Boundaries - are they really helpful?

In this episode of Coffee Talk with Kelley, we explore boundaries through a more honest, compassionate, and human lens.

Somewhere along the way, boundaries became associated with pushing people away, cutting people off, shutting down, or protecting ourselves at all costs. And while boundaries can absolutely be necessary, what happens when they begin creating disconnection instead of clarity?

In this soulful conversation, Kelley reflects on the “sweet spot” — the space where boundaries can exist alongside connection, compassion, honesty, and integrity.

Together we explore:
• The difference between healthy boundaries and emotional walls
• How exhaustion, hurt, fear, and overwhelm can shape the way we protect ourselves
• Honoring yourself without disconnecting from humanity
• Communicating honestly without abandoning kindness
• Remaining open-hearted without overextending yourself
• Navigating relationships with greater awareness and intention

This episode is a gentle invitation to rethink the narrative around boundaries and reconnect with a more grounded, relational, and authentic way of caring for ourselves and one another.

Real talk. Soulful reflection. Meaningful conversation.
Welcome to Coffee Talk with Kelley.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey y'all, it is Kelly Gabral Moja here, and I'm back to Coffee Talk with Kelly. I'm feeling a bit inspired, had to do a little bit of some soul searching about my podcast and me creating it a year ago. Why I still had it out there, but I haven't been posting or recording anything with it. And I wanted to make some decisions about if I would this was something that my soul was really calling me to do, and I got a big yes today, a big yes today. Um, but also giving myself some grace in this journey, right? Um, some grace um in all that I already do and what I have been faced with and how I show up. I opened a new business with a partner of mine, uh, my partner, my business partner, my friend Rachel. Um, and that is just kind of really magically unfolded. Um, and it is a dream come true. Really, it is a dream come true. So, but we're not talking about that right now, but stay tuned for more on Ilaria. I want to welcome you to Coffee Talk with Kelly, a space for real conversations, soulful reflection, honest truth in the messy, meaningful journey of being human. I think one of the reasons I've been stuck about doing this is because I still, as much work as I do on myself, I still feel like I get stuck in feeling like everything has to be perfect and I have to show up perfect. Even though I've done a lot of work about embracing my messiness and my disorganization, but also in the midst of that, embracing my and finding the alignment with my soul and embracing my intuitiveness and how that has always shown up for me and and guided me through. Well, isn't that beautiful? Because that's really the essence of who we are, who I am, right? So uh I'm leaning in, I'm leaning in. So um I'm really grateful that you're here. Um grateful for everybody who um has sought my services. Every single interaction I have in my life, never mind, my life, I believe, is um so meaningful. And in my career, right? In my career, if I look back, you know, to the work that I've done, you know, over the years, it's been thousands of people. And that's pretty like wow, wow. And I think a common theme for me in the work that I've done is about being somebody to hold space for other people so that they could feel comfortable and felt feel heard and feel seen. Um, so I always feel honored in the work that I do that I have the opportunity to walk along people in their journeys, right? In their journeys. So just a little bit more. This podcast is uh where we slow things down a little bit. Take a breather. So, yeah, I have my mugs, but guess what? It's the middle of the afternoon, so I don't drink coffee in the afternoon, but I love my mugs, so I have my water in here. So coffee talk with Kelly. It isn't necessarily about coffee, it's about the vibe, it's about slowing down, it's about sitting and having a conversation, it's about listening and learning, it's about giving and receiving, it's about reciprocity, right? But that pause to sit down, right? To just sit and be. And if it's you want to listen to Coffee Talk with Kelly or listen to another podcast or listen to music, or just sit in some quiet, right? Those are all important things. I've got my notes here because I'm embracing that it's okay that I need notes, right? So um we're gonna talk about things that really matter: healing, relationships, burnout, growth, boundaries, spirituality, purpose, the nervous system, the soul, and all the spaces in between. So you're gonna get a bunch of stuff here. Um, it's not from a place of perfection. Nope, because Kelly has lived and it still comes up for me feeling like I had to be perfect, right? Um, and that feeling of having to be perfect actually took me down, you know, into a crazy couple of years in my late teens and early 20s. Not that I would take it back because I had an awful lot of fun. However, put myself in some risky situations at times, truth be told. Um, so this is not from a place of perfection, but from lived experience, curiosity, compassion, and truth. Truth. There is nothing that drives me crazier than non-truth, than lies and deception. Tell me, just tell me, I can handle the truth. I might not like it, but I can handle it. I can handle it way better than deception. I am about authenticity, and I'm not saying that I've never lied, I'm not saying that I haven't ever deceived, right? Because I am not perfect. However, I have learned a lot about myself and the meaning of that for me and what that means. So, anyway, um, so whether you're driving, folding laundry, sitting with your coffee, walking outside, or just trying to make sense out of life, because isn't that what we're all doing? Um, welcome. You don't have to have it all figured out. We don't, we just take one step at a time. So, today's conversation. I want to talk about boundaries and the reason this is kind of something I often think about anyway. Obviously, I have explored it myself in my own personal journey, and it's something that I have worked with clients about. Um, so it's, you know, and I think it's a hot topic, you know, if you're in the self-help realm, self-care, um, healing journey, um, personal transformation, self-discovery, you know, all those, you know, all of those um hot topic words that are out there right now. And this whole like, you know, self-development, professional development, personal development, boundaries, boundaries. So yesterday I did a workshop on boundaries for a nonprofit in the area that I live in, um, kind of full circle. I do some work with them. I have been for a couple years now. Um, and I get to work with people who are frontline workers and they do outreach. And they do outreach people who are struggling with substances um in South Coast, Massachusetts. Um, and I do some clinical supervision with them. And I the reason I say it's like full circle work that I feel so, you know, honored to be providing them the support that they need in that way is because that's kind of where that's where I started my career. I was an outreach worker. I did street outreach, I did HIV AIDS prevention and education. I did um I worked in the jails, I helped open an outreach center. Um, and it was very meaningful work, and I learned a lot in the years that I was there, um, and the work that I did and the people that I worked with, my team, um, and uh the different individuals I had contact with. Um so yeah, definitely full full circle.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Um so but this might be slightly different way than we often talk about boundaries, and I'm gonna go, you know, like I'm gonna take a little bit of a leap here.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Um because I had some I don't even know what the word was, a little over a year ago when Mel Robbins came out with her let them theory, it wasn't sitting with me too well.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

It wasn't sitting with me too well because I kind of felt like that phrase um pushed people away from each other. That's how it made me feel. I don't know if anybody else feels that way.

SPEAKER_00 9:15

Um you know, and I didn't read it, and don't get me wrong, I I respect Mel Robbins and I think she does wonderful things and talks about wonderful things and supports so many people in the ways that she does it, um, with her podcasts, you know, and with her books and everything. So this has nothing to do with that.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

It was just kind of I was concerned about the trendy vibe that it might create.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

Um because as I mentioned, we are at a time that there are so many people isolating and separating and feel divided. And even with the best of intentions, right, because I do believe Mel Robbins has good intentions in you know what she does, people can without some guidance, people can take something and shift it to their own narrative, which can be tricky, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:26

So um I did end up reading the book, it took me a while.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

Um but I have clients coming in, you know, saying, Kelly, have you heard about this book? Have you heard about this book? And I was just kind of like, you know, like I felt like uh what was gonna be in the book was mostly what myself and maybe a lot of other therapists and coaches work with and teach people every single day, and it was just putting this like sort of phrase to it. Um so I did end up reading it, and it did kind of validate what I was feeling about it. There was one chapter that really spoke out to me. Um, but I'm not saying it hasn't helped a lot of people, I'm not saying that at all. I my my concern is about the separation, let them let me, creating divide, right? Because my question is, are boundaries really helpful? Well, my my concern about the word boundaries and boundaries is the same as I'm talking about let them, right? Because to me, when we talk about boundaries and even let them, I feel like sometimes it can be twisted to you know, you do you and I'll do me. And does that come from a real place of love, compassion, consideration? Now, obviously, or maybe not obvious, this is where bound bound what I'm gonna talk about right now is why there are boundaries, and we need to learn about boundaries, right? Because sometimes we can be in toxic relationships or we can be in difficult situations, um, or we're learning about different relate relationships, if I didn't say that word already. Um, and how do we um we use this word keep ourselves safe in those situations? How do we honor ourselves? I like to say honor ourselves, and one of the phrases I like to use is that when we honor ourselves, we honor each other, right? Um, how can we say no with kindness? Right, because the reality of it is is that we are constantly interfacing with each other um my story with your story, my wounds with your wounds, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:14

So do boundaries help or hurt now.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

I come from the lens that humans need connection for lots of reasons, for healing reasons, for um evolution reasons, for learning reasons, um, to get the job done reasons, to have fun reasons. Um we are creatures that need each other, and we see ourselves in each other. And when we learn a little bit more about that, that can actually help us and help us heal if we're open to it.

SPEAKER_01 14:02

Now again, and back to boundaries. Back to boundaries. Um because when somebody sets boundaries, I think when it's not we d when we don't carefully think about it.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Uh I don't even know if think about it is the right word. But what can happen is I think, and in my ex my experience, and I've I've seen this with people that I work with, that people feel like um they're being cut off. Um that they're being pushed away. Um and sometimes some people are okay with it, and sometimes it hits their wounds of rejection. Right. You know, so I I think there's a sweet spot. I think there's a sweet spot. You'll hear me say this in other podcasts, um, because there's a sweet spot for everything, right? We don't have to have these hard core boundaries about in relationships with people we love.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

With people we love, consider that. Why do we push people away? Why do we say no? Why do we not have the conversations with people that we love? Now we can talk about fear, we can talk about trauma, we can talk about toxicity, right?

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Now if we're choosing and we know that this is a person that we love, family member, friendship, you know, whatever, why do we want to push them away?

SPEAKER_02 16:01

Interesting question, right? Interesting question.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

So I'm gonna just take a sip here for a little pause on that. So we have to keep I think upfront with ourselves in our own journey. Um the ideas around connection, compassion, and integrity. And do we really want to isolate ourselves?

SPEAKER_00 16:35

Because usually the uncomfortability or the fear that we're feeling doesn't have anything to do with the person that we're dealing with. Now it may be like it very well maybe. If we're talking about a toxic relationship, if we're talking about an abusive relationship, those that's a different category. If we're talking about like real safety, real like safety from harm, we need to set some very clear boundaries, not just energetically, not just emotionally, not mentally, but even sometimes like physically, like creating absolute physical space. But what happens, and I think what's been overused in the terms of boundaries, it becomes like I don't even want to have a conversation with you. Well, why do you want to have a conversation? Why do you want to be in my life if you don't want to talk to me about something?

SPEAKER_02 17:44

Hmm.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

I don't know, just something to kind of think about. Um sometimes boundaries are actually walls that are built from exhaustion. I'm looking at my notes here. Fear, hurt, resentment, and overwhelm. And sometimes we push everyone away, we unintentionally hurt ourselves too.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

But in that statement, it's all of this other stuff that's happening. Exhaustion, fear, hurt, resentment, and overwhelm. And isn't it interesting because we could actually get the support we need from those people in our lives that we love.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

And for me for me, and I know I'm different and not everybody's the same, right? But that's what part of I think what why I love people so much.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

Um when I'm down, when I'm feeling um like I'm having struggles, I I love being with the people that I love. I love being with the people I love because it helps me feel better.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Um, and again, I know I'm different and uh everybody else, you know, has their own ways, and I'm not telling people that they shouldn't honor who they are at who they are. I'm just like sort of throwing out can we deconstruct this um boundaries thing?

SPEAKER_01 19:30

And really maybe consider that we don't need as many as we think that we do. Because what are we really afraid of?

SPEAKER_00 19:44

You know, I do trauma work with people all the time, and most of the time those fears are are related to past traumas and related to the wounds. So what does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 19:56

That just means if we're ready, we can ask for help around that so it doesn't hurt our relationship. So it doesn't hurt our relationship.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

So the question continuously becomes how do we honor ourselves without disconnecting from humanity? Right? Because it's important remember it's important to honor ourselves. It's important that you know, boundaries, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Boundaries, but we also want to live from a place of love and compassion and connection and to know that ultimately we are going to be okay, even if we're not okay.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

Even if we're not okay. So communication communication with each other with kindness.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

We talked yesterday a lot about um you know asking asking the people you love if they want somebody to listen or they want some feedback and then being okay with either one.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

But then also being willing to to talk and reach out. Um how do we keep an open heart with balance and not overextending ourselves? Right? Balance, the sweet spot.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

So I'm really curious about people's thoughts about boundaries because how do we have boundaries to support ourselves without keeping us isolated or separated from each other and trusting that your your relationships that you feel are trusting and loving relationships and healthy relationships are that are that because presence is so important today, it's so important today with everything that we have going on with you know with social media um and I use social media with AI and I use AI um with everything you know instant gratification you know that we can um text and reach out and um that way but the presence we have with each other is essential and being in each other's company is essential it's so so important um to show up for each other with loving, compassionate hearts, with kindness, with integrity, um, and to rebuild, to rebuild that trust and that love.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

So this was just something to you know kind of make you go, hmm.

SPEAKER_00 23:52

I'll probably talk a little bit more about the boundaries, and maybe there'll be a boundaries part two. Um and maybe I'll offer some workshops um and conversations about that. Um, but it was just on my mind that I wanted to get back to the podcast. You know, if it's good for you, it's good for you. If it's not, that's that's okay too.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

There's thousands of podcasts out there. Um I just want to share from my heart to yours because that's what makes my journey that much more worth it.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

It's already worth it because of me, because of me and who I am, and but also my family and all of my friends and community. So I'm grateful, you know, for the abundance that's in my life, but the work that I do is a part of it, and if I can share, you know, my experiences and share my knowledge and wisdom and my thoughts that can help other people, then that's what I'm here to do as well.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

So there we are.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

Think about boundaries, whether they are helpful or hurtful, and maybe there is that sweet spot in between that can be the most supportive for you in your journey, um for you to maintain connectedness for yourself and with other um in this beautiful journey of life. So for some reason you catch this on video kind of chuckling because it is the end of May, and right above me, there is still a winter frame with snowmen above me. Maybe it'll get down and maybe it'll make its way through next to next winter, who knows? But anyway, from my heart to yours always, um, feel free to send me a message if you have a thought about boundaries. And um maybe I just gave you a little something to think about and maybe think about it in a different way. Um right, this difference um between exhaustion um in your nervous system and um compassion without feeling overwhelming, um, connection versus self-abandonment, um and honest communication. Honest communication. It's okay to be able to sit down and talk. It really, really is. It feeds the soul. So, enough of that. Thank you for joining me today to some for some coffee talk with Kelly, and stay tuned for another episode.