S2: Episode 6 - Grief: "The Journey We Bear!"

Stormy and Kodi discuss the journey of grief. (suggested song: "Fix You" - Coldplay) 

Your goodie for the day. Thank you for listening. :) 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Goody Shop for your mental health. My name is Cody. My name is Stormy. And we're glad that you're with us today. So we're going to talk about a topic that we all have experienced in some way, shape, or form. And it's about grief. And this is one of those journeys that we do bear in our lives that we go through. And sometimes it's not easy. And sometimes it's hard for us or it could be challenging for us to go through it alone. However, it's imperative that we do have support around us when we do experience grief. So we're going to talk about that today. So we're glad that you're with us. So, Stormy, my girl, how are you today?

SPEAKER_00 0:52

I am good. And you know, it's just another spring like day, trying to be at least outside. So, you know, when the sun comes out, it out it definitely kind of makes you want to get outside and boosts up that mood a little bit. And also kind of, you know, just speaking of grief, it it kind of seems to be the season to kind of renew some healing processes. And even though grief can happen at any point in time, it's still one of those seasons where you just feel like in some way you can breathe a little bit easier and things are, you know, blooming and all those types of things. And just kind of you can look forward to and think, okay, I'm I'm gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Yeah, absolutely. I agree. And you know, it grief is one of those, it's just one of those areas where it comes in different shapes and forms. There's no one particular way of what grief looks like. And when you think about like what is the definition of grief? So okay, so when we're talking about grief, we're saying like kind of like a deep, like intense sadness, like emotional anguish that's caused by like, you know, a death of a loved one or a significant loss in our life. And it's something that is natural, something that happens to us, you know, in any, you know, journey of our life, whether we're young, old, medium, no, I'm just joking. But no, seriously. But it happens to us in in different areas of our life. And it's one of those things that, you know, it can be it can be overwhelming at times. But I like what you said, Stormy. It's one of those things that we we process, we process through. And we all process differently. So what what does grief look like? What are your thoughts about this, Stormy?

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Yeah, I mean, I think just what you said. I mean, there's so many different ways that grief can show up in our lives, whether whether it's the loss of a pet, you know, loss of a loved one, um, loss of a relationship, loss of a home, loss of a job. Um, you know, it it doesn't always have to mean death. It can just right the loss of a neighbor moving away. Right. It could be a loss of almost like you're grieving the life that you thought you wanted or what you were expecting to have. And that changed out, that changed to be something different that you weren't expected. There's still a loss that can be, you know, felt there as well. And so it is one of those things where we do have to look at, okay, well, how are we gonna deal with this? You know, because there's so many things that are outside of our control, and and loss in a lot of ways is one of those. You know, it's it's a complex issue, obviously. And, you know, just just kind of reminding yourself to give yourself that space to grieve. And like you said, Cody, it we all go through it differently. You know, what I consider grief, maybe somebody else would be like, oh, that's not not so bad. You just move on, you know what I mean? Like, there's some people that can just brush things off more easily and go on, and and that's okay. Like that that's the that's the thing with grief, is there's no like this is how you do it, this is how long it's gonna take. You know, people when they say, just get over it, it's been six months, it's been two years, it's been 20, you should be okay with it by now, you know. Things we can naively think are gonna help somebody. It's like, no, no, because when you lose something, you pretty much grieve in some fashion for the rest of your life. Now, doesn't mean every day you're falling apart crying and not being able to function. No, it just means it's a part of you that stays with you. And, you know, people that have lost a partner, a marriage partner, a husband, a wife, a you know, sibling, all of those things, like there are moments when if you catch yourself smiling or in love again, it's almost like, well, how can you do that when you just, you know, lost a lot of that? People have some misjudgment about it. I know I I feel like I'm kind of knowing all of it. No, you're on it. No, absolutely. But I but I think it just reminds us that we can carry so many different emotions and feelings at once that it's not like when something bad happens and we're sad, it doesn't mean that we can't laugh about something silly the next moment. That's part of healing. And so we want to be careful not to get stuck in that grief. That's the important thing, is we want to be able to laugh at something silly that somebody said, or, you know, be joyful in a moment for something amazing that has happened for ourselves or for somebody else. It doesn't mean we can't be happy again, ever again, because of this sadness. It just means again, it shapes the way we look at things. But that's kind of the point, you know, that's kind of the lesson learned. Like, what is this teaching us rather than getting caught up in the whole like why me, all of the all of those questions that we're not going to be able to answer, anyways, you know.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

No, that's that's true. Yeah, like because you can, oh, that would be like a spiral, like why me and this and this, and it could just really put you in a place where you know it's not not healthy, you know, because it does, it happens to all of us. And it's just one of those things that it's like how what's the best way for me to be able to process this and be able to, you know, get to a place where I can still think about that person or still, you know, like uh recognize what I went through and still be able to move forward. I think that I think that's the biggest thing with grief. It's like we do we have a tendency, like our society, I'll just say society in general, we have a tendency of like putting like a time limit on grief, you know, something, you know, it like you said, you know, six months. I mean, grieving the process, like you said, it I think that's the beautiful part of us being humans, us as human beings, we all embrace and we all deal with things in a different way. But just knowing that regardless of the time frame, it's all about making sure that we're moving forward. You know, I mean, we both have lost significant individuals in our life. And it's been, it's been a while. You know, like my grandmother, I lost her back in 2004, right? So, you know, yourself, you've lost, you know, your father, you know, that's that's hard, you know? And we still deal with that till this day. But the difference is that even when we think about them and we, you know, think about their memories and how much they mean to us, we're still able to move forward in our lives. I think it really gets to the point to where, and you said something significant, that if if you get to the point to where it's like you can't move forward and you're stuck in that grief, that can be that can be detrimental to, you know, to you, as far as mentally, physically, you know, because it's like it's hard for me, it's it's hard to move forward. But I think that's the thing with with grief is that uh grieving is part of the process, it's part of the human experience. We're gonna experience it in any way, shape, or form. But as long as we're able to still move forward, still keep living, you know, not just existing, but living and and just able to just to still thrive, even in the midst of our our heaviness. And I like what you said, you know, being able to have that moment to laugh or, you know, think about something silly, do something, you know, whatever that is, but still being able to move forward. So if you're listening out there, if you're grieving something, someone, just know that you are not alone and give yourself grace. Because it is, it's a process, it's a journey. It's not some of you just gonna be like, all right, 30 minutes, you know, it's been 30 days now, I need to move on. No, no, you you go through your experience. You experience that, you know, make sure you have the support around you that you can, you know, reach out to. I'm glad I have stormy for myself, you know, and then I have my other sister of Florida, and then I have other people, you know, just I have a small group, very small group, but when I'm going through those things, you know, I have someone I can reach out to and just, you know, even if it's just saying one word. I mean, I think that's the beautiful part of the journey that we go through is that you're not expected to be a certain way, act a certain way when you're going through your grieving process. It's just a matter of just doing what's best for you as you're experiencing the loss, you know, the hurt, the heaviness, you know, just allowing yourself that opportunity to experience it, um, go through it, but then at the same time, you're still coming out on the other end as well.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that that's the biggest thing is knowing who your support system is and also giving yourself time to be alone with it. Exactly. It's not like we have to fill every moment to try to keep ourselves busy. It's that combination. It's knowing like when I need to take a step back or you know, any of those things, you know, like like Cody mentioned, my my dad passed away. It's been 20 years. And so if you think about it just like in a general term, that's like, oh, that's a long time. That's you know, over half of my life. But at the same time, it's like, well, yes, I can still cry about it, yes, I can still be sad about it, yes, I'm still angry about it. Yeah, all those things, but I'm also not like breaking down every day, you know. Now maybe I now I was, you know, 20 years ago initially when because again, you are allowing yourself this traumatic experience, and we don't know what how we're gonna handle it until we handle it. You know what I mean? It's like people can sit there and say, Well, I don't know what I would do if I lost my parent or if I lost no, you don't, and then that's okay. You're not you're not supposed to unless it's something that you actually go through. So, you know, what I would say is if you are listening and and you are somebody who is wanting to support somebody, like one of your friends that has lost a parent or a you know, partner or whatever, and you're like, Well, I don't even know what what do you even do? You know, support them. It's like there's no magic wand. I think it's just being there. It's like enough on people. Hey, do you want to meet for lunch on Thursday at 12 o'clock? You know, make make specific type plans with people to where it's like not just, hey, we should get together sometime, or that that's too much. That's too big for somebody who's grieving to then reach out to you in that way. Right. For and not this is just my own opinion. What would be helpful would be for somebody outside of that to be like, hey, like I just said, like lunch on Thursday, I'm coming to pick you up, 12 o'clock, whatever. And then obviously, if that doesn't work out, that you change right, right, right. Like you make the schedule for that. You intentionally, you know, make that time for that person, and you just you give that person space to whatever, if you want to talk about it, if you don't, it's like either one there, you don't have to talk about 24-7, but at the same time, sometimes you need to talk about 24-7 for you know, for a while, because again, you know, there's there's a shock factor that sometimes happens, you know, even when you can be expecting grief to happen. Say somebody is sick or somebody's elderly, you know it's gonna happen in your head. But when it happens, your heart has another way of responding sometimes. And so we can only be prepared as we can be, and then we have to just just be aware of ourselves and what we need and go from there and not try to figure out what am I gonna do tomorrow? How am I gonna do all of the things? It's like goes back to one day at a time. We're we're not we're not expected to pick up and go to work the next day, type of thing. Some people do that, some people can do that and need that, and again, that is okay. There's no right or wrong way. People can comment and you know tell you you should do that or you shouldn't do that. Let them, it's not about them, it's about you. Well, that that's fine for you to do that, but this is how I want it, and you move on, yeah. You don't you don't let that external pressure confine the way that you process grief because you know yourself better than anybody else, right? If you want to take a day off and just think about that person and listen to music and cry and lay in bed and watch movies that remind you of that person, whatever it is, do it. You know, it it's not it's not a one fit one size fits all type of a thing. And you know, what works for me may not work for somebody else. And again, that's okay. You know, it's giving yourself, like you said, giving yourself grace to process on your terms and just know that it's gonna be okay. I mean, that that's really all anybody through it's gonna be okay. You're still gonna function and do the things. It's it's just I mean, you know, and you can sit there and say, Well, I wish this or what if this. I mean, yeah, of course. Look at all the all the things, all the grandkids that my dad never got to see. I mean, all the miles, all the things that we've gone through the past 20 years that he has not here for. And yes, that's sad. And but at the same time, they're still happening. Um, you know, and and I think that's the beauty of it, is that it's the beauty and pain part of it, you know, it's like it goes on, even though sometimes you feel like it's standing still, but it's still still moving forward, and you're still gonna move forward eventually, eventually.

unknown 16:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

I like that. And I always think about, you know, when I when you, you know, when she was talking about your father, I'm thinking about my grandmother. I mean, she was like my second mom, you know, she was like my everything. And and I you said something that really resonated with me was when you said, um, just being intentional. Even well, let me go back. Being intentional, like as a as a as a person supporting someone who may be grieving. Um, and just like I said, doing the little things, whether it's being silent, sitting next to someone, like you said, just reaching out, sending a text message, you know, doing those things, those things mean a lot to that person, even though they may not even respond right away. But just knowing that that what you're doing is is showing support. Because I know a lot of times we we kind of have a tendency of making it about us because it makes us so uncomfortable, you know. It's like it's like, oh man, I don't know what to do. You know, it's you know, even if it's sending a card or, you know, just send a food to, you know, maybe your friends or your loved ones' house. I mean, just it's the little things that we do that can really have an effect. Um, and sometimes even asking, it's okay to ask. It'd be like, you know, how can I support you in this moment? You know, what can I do to help you? What how what can I do to support you? And that means a lot. Even if they don't even know, they might say, I don't even know, but just the thought of you just even asking means a lot to them. So I wanted to say that. So I'm glad that you said that. That really resonated with me. And the other area where you're talking about just oh man, it's just so much, it's so much to grief. And I don't even know. It's just there's so many thoughts going through my head, and I'm just like, man, you know, like, because there's not a time limit, you know, and when you were talking about just allowing time for yourself to go through the process and not allowing, like we were saying, not allowing somebody to tick to dictate to you, well, this is what you should do. Because like I said, and you said it perfectly, like you know yourself better than anyone else, and you know what's best for you. And I think that's a biggest thing too. And even sometimes we may not even know what's best for us, but just the thought of us that we're even thinking about it, I think that, you know, that means a lot because it's like, okay, I don't even know where to go from here. Like, I feel like I'm a mess. And I don't know what to say, you know, and that's okay. That's okay to be in that space. And I'm glad that you said that, Stormy, like allowing yourself that time just to just to go through all the different emotions. Sometimes we feel we have to, you know, suppress them and be like, well, you know, I gotta be there for everybody else, and I gotta, you know, this and this and that. And it's like, okay, I appreciate, you know, it's like, I know you gotta be there for everybody else, but you gotta be there for yourself too. And and telling yourself that it's okay. It's okay to cry, it's okay to break down. You can still gather yourself up and keep going, but just allowing that flexibility, I would say. Because sometimes when we think about grief, it's either one way or the other, and it's not, it doesn't, it doesn't happen that way. It, I mean, you'll experience all of it all at one time, and just being able to maneuver and and just maneuver the best way you can. That's just how I look at it.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

And recognize that there's gonna be like reminders and like triggers for lack of a better word, not triggers in a high way, but just like yeah, there's honestly, there's sometimes I'm driving and I'm happy, nothing's going on that's you know, making me in any particular mood. And then if Toto Rosanna comes on, the tears are coming, you know, whether I'm at a railroad crossing or a drive-thru or target parking lot or wherever. And it's just like, man, like there's certain things that just hit you, and it's not a oh, I gotta pull over and break down for a minute. It's just I'm driving along and tears are coming along with me, you know. Awareness, like you said, yeah, exactly. It's just awareness that we're gonna have moments that are gonna be tough, but at the same time, there's other there's other times when a song will come on and it just makes me smile, like Mustang Sally, my dad, you know, playing a rock band. Yes, Mustang Sally was the last song that I heard him sing. And it it's it's we played it at my brother's wedding, we played it at my sister's wedding, like it, it's an intentional thing that we did. And it wasn't a sad, I mean, it was sad, but the for the majority of it in that moment, it was a happiness, like we're celebrating. This is the way to bring that person to the here and now for this moment. Yeah, having that support in that way, like we were all wanting to hear that song. It's not we're not shying away from it. You know, sometimes we can get to a point in grief where it's like, okay, I don't want anything that reminds me of that person. I can't listen to that song. I can't go to I can't go to this restaurant, I can't order this type of drink. You know what there's may attach it to those memories. But one of the again, this is just my perspective. In some ways, that's that like embrace it, embrace it. It's from saying, I'm never gonna do that again. Go get that iced caramel macchiato that he got. Have that heel shot once a year. He got whatever it is, like, don't don't shy away from those moments. Let let those moments um get you in a place where you take back control and that and let it be a happy thing and not just a sad thing. That's the worst thing. Like, yes, it can be sad. Yes, it is sad, but there's a piece of it that's happy as well.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

Because I look at it too, I I was just like I I have to remind myself sometimes I'm like, well, at least I had him for 27 years. You know what I mean? I would never have had him for that long and lost him than to never have experienced that at all.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

So that's right. See, you know what? What you just described is just perception, how we view it. And that really takes a, I mean, that makes a big difference in our grieving process too. Yeah. I mean, yeah, because you say I've had them for 27 years. Like, that's huge. You know, it's all about how you look at that. Uh as you were talking and as you were sharing, I was just thinking about the number of people that I've lost in my life. And they were young, like that really had a significant part in my life. I think about Mario and Mama Tina and my grandmother, and just these people that really played a huge part in my life. And and I've noticed like recently, like I've been, you know, you know, when I'm driving around and, you know, doing errands and stuff, like you were talking about memories. I think about the places that we went to, like the restaurants and you know, places where we hung out. And, you know, it's like lately, it's been really, you know, it's been really intense for me. Not sure why, but I think, yes, I do know why. Let me take that back. I'm gonna tell you why I know. Because this, like, as we're talking about grief, grieving, right? So the month of March is always a heavy, heavy month for me, because this is the month that my grandmother passed away. And so it's one of those, I call it an anniversary month because somebody I love dear, you know, has passed away during this time. And I think it's really imperative for us to, because you said when you said awareness stormy, that just hit me, right? Being aware of when those anniversary times come in our life. Because sometimes we'll we'll feel heavy or we'll feel like, well, why do I feel like not doing anything? Why, like I just feel blah, like, what is going on? Always think back to did anything happen during this month or did anything happen? And that really helps you to kind of navigate through what you're feeling and what you're going through because it's like, oh, I get it. Like, you know, I was having a conversation with my mom, and you know, she was just talking about how heavy she felt, you know, and how things were just, you know, just really heavy. And I was like, well, this is a month, you know, that we did lose, you know, you lost your mom and I lost grandma. She's like, you know what? I didn't think about that. So taking time to step back and say, you know, why do I because we do, we have seasons that we go through, seasons of grief, we do. You know how it, you know, it comes, sometimes it comes in waves, sometimes it doesn't. But I think when you said Stormy, that awareness, I think that's that's everything. And just kind of giving ourselves, and that's another way we give ourselves grace too, because sometimes we're like, why, why can't I do this? And why am I not being, you know, and it's like, no, you know, a lot has happened. Remember, you know, four years ago, XYZ happened, or just a year ago, this happened, you know, just give yourself grace and you know, just allowing your time, allowing yourself that time to to grieve and recognize, and like you said, embrace it and but just know that still being able to keep moving forward too, but just knowing that this is part life's journey. So yeah, yeah, and validating it.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

I think that's kind of like the takeaway, right? Like always think about how you can move forward, even even and and I'm not meaning like you have to have everything solved or every question answered. It's just, you know, still taking care of yourself. That's that's the biggest thing, you know. You can you can be grieving, you still wanna get appropriate sleep. Sometimes it's more than needed, but that's okay too. It's just it's it goes back to the awareness for the self-care too, you know, making sure that you're showering, making sure you're eating, right? Those those three things sleeping, eating, hygiene, you know, that those are things that we still we we want to maintain those things because I think sometimes when we're grieving or when we're stressed or all of those number of things, it's like self-care can be the one thing, the first thing that goes away. You know, and it's like we've got to remind ourselves that we have to take care of ourselves because nobody else is going to do it. And so to talk about our mental health, I mean, that's the biggest part, you know. You think you don't have the energy or the desire to do anything, but taking that hot shower, once you step out of that, you'll feel like a different person. Now, I'm not saying that that your whole life is gonna just change in an instant. Right, right. But it's again those moments that make you feel human again, you know, it's like eating some crackers, having a cup of coffee, whatever it is, getting eight to ten hours of sleep at night. Yeah, all of those things are how we can handle grief, you know, in the healthiest way that we can too, you know, is by being on top of our self-care. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

I think that's the takeaway right there. Yeah, just being on top of it and yes, and and it's yeah, I mean, that's the takeaway right there. I mean, that's everything right there. Just taking care of us. Yeah. One step at a time. Every minute, every second, you know, every day. It counts. But so for you all that are out there, you know. I hope this episode was beneficial for you. And just know that, hey, if you have anybody out there for you, we're for you. So just know that. Because we know the the struggle can be real, and at the same time, it's it's it's universal. It's something we all go through. And just know that you're not alone in this. So we thank you for being with us today, and we look forward to talking with you all soon.