S2: Episode 7 - Anger: Taming the Flames

Stormy and Kodi discuss normalizing anger. (suggested song: "Roar" - Katy Perry)

Your goodie for the day. Thank you for listening. :) 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the goodie shop for your mental health. My name is Cody. My name is Stormy. And we're glad that you're with us today. So, today's episode, we're gonna talk about anger. It's something that we've all experienced. And we're just gonna talk about it. Just kind of shoot the breeze and just break it down to when we experience anger, how do we get through it? How do we deal with it? So, Stormy, hey, the floor is yours.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Yeah, you know, when we talk about anger, you know, no, this is not gonna be like a index session where we, you know, like just tell you everything that you could read up on it. It's more about like just learning what anger is in you, you know, and and kind of personalizing it because like Cody said, we all deal with it, it's a normal, healthy emotion. You know, it obviously there are levels of it that become potentially very toxic, and we'll get into that. But just initially, like just knowing when you hear the word anger, that we don't need to just think about it in a negative light automatically, because again, it really is something that we all experience, and it's a healthy reaction to what we're experiencing, what we're going through, whether it's you know, something that we did, something that we said, something that somebody else did, something that somebody else did, you know, whatever it may be, there's always a reason why we're feeling the way we're feeling. And so it's it's really just kind of just going through, you know, the different ways that we experience it. And like who you said too, like, what do we do? Like when we feel it, how do we express it? How do we get through it? Do we stay there? Well, no, it's not healthy to stay there, obviously. So it's you know, learning what triggers you, you know, if you know those things and just being aware of like what happens in your body when you get angry. And because I think in the midst of everything, it's like when we talk about mental health and our emotions, that awareness is really key. You know, people sometimes just skate over things and don't really get to the root of what's going on, and the root is really how we heal. And it doesn't ever mean that we're never gonna get angry, it just means our way of dealing with our anger is in a place where we still have power. The anger is not controlling us, and that's that's kind of the biggest thing that we'll you know get into further as well.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

No, that's good. Yeah, I love that you said that because yeah, when you think about anger, it's something it's kind of like a it's kind of like a protective factor that we all experience, we go through because of maybe feeling, you know, threatened or you know, frustration, whatever that looks like. And yeah, just like you said, Stormy, that awareness. I think that's gonna be the key for us being able to move through the anger that we experience in our lives. Because we're gonna experience it in some way, shape, or form. And it might not be all the time, but we will experience and we will experience it. Oh yeah, I yeah, because it when I think of anger, for me, it comes down to like a fight or flight response. You know, it's a it's a way to protect you from some danger or unfair treatment or something of that sort. So when you say having that awareness, asking myself, okay, why am I feeling this way? Why am I so frustrated? Why am I so angry? What is causing this? And that is the first step so that you can begin that process of healing because you know where it's coming from. You like you said, you know where the root is coming from. Because anger, it's one of those, it's an emotion, like I said, we all experience, but there's a lot that's going on underneath it. So what what's really going on? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Well, and and and honestly, sometimes you you don't know that root cause immediately. And that's okay too. I mean, I'm not sitting here trying to say, okay, you need to pick apart your brain right now, and this, you know, when you're at a 10, that mouth need to sit with yourself and think about it. It's just it's more of a process that we go and just learning the you know, the whole anger is a secondary emotion type of a thing. And it's always easy easier, excuse me, for us to show anger or express anger rather than for some people, rather than being vulnerable and crying or asking for help or saying I need help or I need support or I'm hurt or you know, whatever it is, you hurt me, you know, whatever it is, it's it goes beyond that just initial reaction, like you said, Cody, that that protectiveness part of it, you know, it's it's a threat to our self, whether that's irrational or irrational, that's another discussion. But at the same time, you're still valid in feeling that way. Right. It it again goes to okay, well, now that I now that I'm in this moment, what do I do with it? And you know, there's different ways that people cope with that. You know, some people do something physical with it, you know, like sort of exercise activity. I mean, obviously, you know, there's ways that we can handle it that are not healthy, sure in a physical sense. And so we do have to be mindful of what are the safe ways that we can express that anger without without just knocking ourselves down to the point where it's like, well, I shouldn't be angry. Well, you it's okay to be angry, like that's that's never the issue, it's always what you do with it that becomes potentially the issue, you know, and and the way you look at it. I know we've talked about this before, just as far as like your perspective about things, but you know, those people that you run into, whether it's at work or at a grocery store or a gas station or a restaurant, and you can just tell that they're pissed off. You can just tell, like they've got that like aura, and it's like, man, that seems like that would be so miserable to be angry all the time. Now, does that mean that they shouldn't be? Well, no, again, it's about how do I almost, you know, compartmentalize my, you know, how do I take care of it to make sure that I'm being safe, but I'm also acknowledging the fact that I'm angry too. So it's finding that balance.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

That's no, I think that's really, really good. And you know, and I'm like going back to what you were saying too about the awareness. I think also too, I think it really, like you say, you're not going to pick it apart. Of course, when you're when you're going through the anger, you're angry, you know, right? But then once once you go through that feeling or whatnot, would you say that it's important for us to be aware of what our body does when anger does arise in us? Do you think that's important for us to?

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Yeah, absolutely. Not to be too therapist-y, but you know, when uh when we did versus our teenagers on anger, you know, it was like you had them draw their body on the on big sheets of paper, and we had use markers and different, you know, ways to detail like if your head hurts, if your stomach hurts, if you're clenching your jaw, if you're clenching your fists, uh, if you get hot, if you get red in the face. Man, there are so many ways we can feel our anger, rapid heartbeat, sweating palms. Some sometimes people just get almost like a blackout, you know, they get scary. And so I I do absolutely think that it's important because the more the more we can tell something's going on, the more we have a the better chance we have at controlling it and managing it. You know, if we just went literally from a zero to a 10 and it's after the fact that we're like, oh, okay, now why am I so tense or why does my stomach hurt? Then it's like I've kind of missed the the mark on being able to manage that and and be the one that's in control. I think that's what it goes back to. Like, how do we stay in control even when we feel such immense anger in that moment, rage even, you know, how describe it? It's okay. You know, it's it's just it's about recognizing what happens with you again, so that in moments you could you can almost come up with like a safety plan for what you want to do, you know, if you're in a situation, if you're out in public, if you're at home, if you're at school, if you're at work, you know, really kind of think about what you need to do to take care of yourself, whether that's, you know, making sure you take your breaks, making sure you making sure you stay hydrated. You know, there's so many things that really play into our emotional dysregulation that we're not even aware of. And again, I know we're just kind of repeating that awareness factor, but it really is important. Like if you didn't get enough sleep that night, like the previous night, you're potentially at a risk for some higher irritability. You know, if you're not eating, if you're not, you know, taking care of mind, body, and soul, you know, you you're just more susceptible to get angry quicker or or get in feel any emotion more intensely. Right. Yeah. So it is important that we look at that. Like, what are are we are we doing something physical every day? Are we staying connected to people? Are we staying connected to ourselves? Like, what are we what are what are we feeding ourselves? You know, are we feeding flames or are we feeding ourselves, you know?

SPEAKER_01 11:09

No, I think that's really good. And as you were saying that, and you was I mean, you shared so so much that it's so on point. And it because it can it can get to the point to where anger can become a problem if it gets to the point to where if it's too frequent, or you know, it's it's a consistent thing. Um, you know, like the irrational outbursts and stuff like that. And it's something that's continuum. It's kind of like, okay, like, like what's really going on with me? You know, why is this continu? Why is this being continuous? Why am I feeling like this so much? And like I said, it's not something you're just gonna pick apart right then and there. But that awareness is key. It really, really is. And just and even just talking to like maybe a friend or partner, what you know, whatever that looks like, and saying, like, okay, when I get to the point where I get so angry, this is what I need to do for myself. I need to walk away or I need to take a pause. Let's let's take a break, you know, whatever that looks like. Um, but I think that's something we're gonna learn throughout our whole life. It's like we're not gonna be like, okay, I'm gonna reach the age of 18 and be like, okay, I'm gonna know how to deal with my anger. No, this is like a continuous thing. This is something that we are forever learning about ourselves and allowing ourselves to, well, it goes back to what we say all the time give yourself grace. And especially in the process, like you say, the dysregulation, and you know, just being aware of like, okay, what is going on with me? You know, and just, you know, once you're out of that that anger, you know, just pausing and being like, okay, what just happened? You know, like what is what just what is going on in my mind? I think that is so that is so key. And how do we deal with it? And I like what you said, like having a safety plane, that's I mean, that's genius, you know, and for other people it might be something else. But I think the bottom line is really having that. I know we keep saying it, but that awareness is everything.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

It really, really is well, and it's just it's about learning more about you, you know, and and that's really cool and important and all the because you we are all so unique in our own personalities and the way we look at things, and we need to celebrate that. And I think, you know, along with celebrating, it's of course, there's like, okay, well, maybe this is an area that I need to do more of, maybe I need to do less of. So it's just it's just kind of analyzing how you go through the world and you know what you want to get out of it, you know. If you if you are somebody who always walks around with a chip on your shoulder, or people feel like they have to walk on edge shells around you, things like that. It's just like, well, well, wait a minute. Do I really want to feel that way and come across that way? Yes. And some people don't even get to that point, you know, they're just so caught up in their anger that they're not gonna recognize that. But yes, we do have those moments of picking apart why we get angry and all those things. It's important to do that when we're calm, you know. We do those in the moments where we're still and pausing. It's like, okay, I can think about this calmly and think, okay, well, what what was my responsibility? Did I have a responsibility in it? What does that even look like? And if it's not my responsibility, why am I gonna let that affect me? You know, I'm if that's somebody else's behavior, yeah, put it on them. Don't carry something that's not yours, don't carry the weight of somebody else's bad behavior onto you, because that's not thankful you.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

That's true, that's right. You know, it made me think about remember when we have those groups, I know we're going therapisty, but but you know, using our I statements. You know, I feel this when X, Y, Z, whatever. I mean, I think that's something that's another thing that we could use to uh help us to get through, you know, the anger that we're going through. And just saying, you know, I felt like this when, you know, this happened. And it really, you know, it really angered me or really frustrated me. And just being able to to express that to that other person, you know. And I like what you said, like not taking on people's bad behavior. It's not really about that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

And not, yeah. I mean, learning how to not take things. Yeah. And it's very hard. I'm by no figured out. It you know, but it's it's it is more about getting to a place where, you know, if you can't say those I feel statements to to that person, right. Say them to a friend, write it in a journal, write it on a piece of paper and then throw it away, light it on fire, put it down the toilet, you know, whatever it is, it's all about getting those thoughts and feelings out of you so that they're not just swimming around and eating you up when, you know, you do have to look at it like, okay, is this is this really gonna be beneficial for me to express my anger to this person if that's what's going on, or is it more important or more safe, excuse me, for me to find another way to express it? Because honestly, you do kind of have to analyze that because not everybody's gonna hear you. And sometimes that can make us even more angry when we're we're don't feel heard. I think that's one of the biggest things that trigger that triggers anger in all of us is that that we're not being heard. So if somebody says, tells you to do something that you don't want to do, or says something in a mean way, or you know, what whatever it is, it it just gets us and it gets us to a place where it's like, well, wait, like that that doesn't feel right. And so, but I can't say that because I still have to make a choice. Do I just do what this person is asking or do I challenge that? And I think that's where we get stuck a lot of times. Again, whether work or relationships or whatever, we also have that kind of side of us to some some of us, most of us maybe, want to want to please other people, you know, and so it's like, okay, well, but if I if I please them, am I pleasing myself or or am I the one that's suffering because I'm pleasing somebody else and not pleasing myself?

SPEAKER_01 18:12

And then we wonder why that anger begins to intensify, you know, because it's like, yeah, that makes total sense. Yeah. So I mean, when you think about anger, um, like I said, there's so many variables to it. But I think we could both agree that at the end of the day, it's really about, you know, having that awareness. How do I, you know, how do I, how do I allow myself to go through the process of anger? What does that look like for me? Because it's going to look different for all of us.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

And and be in and like you said, just it's it's normal. It's something that we all experience. You're not a bad person if you deal with anger. That's not what we're talking about, because we all deal with it in some way, shape, or form. This is a matter of, you know, what does that look like to us? You know, how do we how do we get through it? How do we process the anger? How do we get through it? How do we overcome? You know, do we have do we have a safety plan? I love that you talked about the safety plan, you know, what does that look like for me? And I think just like you said, our life is really a journey about us really learning who we are. Like I say, we never arrive. So allowing ourselves that space to say, you know, I don't know everything about me. Even when anger does arise in my life, you know, how do I I mean the way I handled it five years ago is gonna be different than how I handle it now. You know, but just allowing yourself that that that ability or that space to be able to allow yourself to to change, to grow, to develop, and just to, like I said, not telling yourself like I shouldn't get angry, but no, you're gonna get angry, but it's just a matter of how do I go about dealing with my anger when it does arise.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's that's definitely a takeaway for sure, is just normalizing, normalizing it. Because I think again, it's like one of those tainted words of like, oh, I bet get angry or I'm angry all the time, you know. Right. We're we all experience it in a different way, and it's just important to be okay with that and just kind of understand that, like Cody said, you know, you're not a bad person by any means. It's not wrong for you to feel anger. If anybody says, oh, you shouldn't feel that way, don't tell me what I should feel or should I shouldn't feel because my feelings, I own them. Nobody owns them but me. So if I'm pissed off, then I'm gonna be pissed off and I'm allowed to be pissed off, you know, for however long I see fit. You know what I mean? Like to an extent. But you know, yeah, like yeah, I'm in control of that. Not gonna allow somebody else to control me. I'm not even gonna allow the emotions to overcome me, overtake me if I can, you know. I know again, that's difficult to do in those because again, sometimes our anger hits sometimes we're blindsided by it, honestly. Sometimes something happens in a moment. We're just reacting and goes back to that fight or flight, you know. What am I doing? But again, yeah, and it's just the the biggest thing is just to know that you're okay. Yeah, you want them to survive being angry, you know. We would be more concerned if you never get angry. Honestly, how much That's like, well, you know, anger is a secondary emotion, so you know there's other emotions going on. So it's okay to say I'm angry.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

That's right. That is so true. Well, we're so glad that you all joined us today. Enjoy your day. Take this information. Hopefully, you'll use it for yourself. And just know that being angry, it's one of those things that's a normal response. We'll talk to you soon.