Flourishing After Adversity

S2:E24 The Grief Map: How Naming What You're Feeling Moves You From Stuck to Moving Forward

• Laura Broome

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0:00 | 19:47

The 6 Stages of Grief: Name What You’re Feeling and Move Through It

Laura Mangum Broome explains how naming grief can reduce shame and help people move through loss, drawing from her experience of losing her son just before a scheduled double mastectomy while facing cancer. She clarifies that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are not linear or a checklist but a map people may revisit in any order. She defines what each stage can feel like, including risks like prolonged denial, misdirected anger, exhausting “what if” bargaining, and the difference between moving through grief-related depression versus drowning and needing professional support. 

She adds David Kessler’s sixth stage, finding meaning, emphasizing it isn’t toxic positivity and can’t be rushed. She offers a journaling exercise to identify one’s current stage and what it needs, and reminds listeners there is no timeline for grief.

00:00 Why Grief Feels Confusing
00:43 Welcome and Free Resource
01:37 Laura’s Personal Loss Story
03:18 What the Stages Really Are
05:07 Stage 1 Denial
06:25 Stage 2 Anger
07:48 Stage 3 Bargaining
09:05 Stage 4 Depression
10:53 Stage 5 Acceptance
12:13 Stage 6 Finding Meaning
14:18 Why Naming Helps Healing
16:11 Journal Exercise for Today
17:40 Recap and Encouragement
19:07 Closing and Next Steps

Why Grief Feels Confusing

Have you ever been in the middle of something incredibly painful and had no idea what was actually happening inside of you?  Have you ever found yourself completely numb one day and then furious the next, and then completely exhausted by your own emotions?  Or maybe someone told you that you just needed to move on, and something inside of you broke a little because you knew you weren't ready, and you didn't even have the words to explain why.  If that sounds familiar, today's episode is for you because grief has a shape, it has a name, and knowing what you're moving through, actually naming it, can change everything. 

Welcome and Free Resource

Welcome to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Mangum Broome. If you've been knocked down by life--grief, illness, loss, or unexpected change--you're in the right place. Here, we turn setbacks into stepping stones because healing, growth, and joy are not out of reach. They're available to you even in this season. 

 Before we begin, if you ever feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts after a setback, caught in loops of worry, self-doubt, or mental exhaustion, I created a free resource for you called Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. These are the same coping strategies I use when life starts to feel overwhelming. You'll find the link in the show notes 

Laura’s Personal Loss Story

I want to start today with a moment I don't talk about very often.   When I lost my son on the day before I was scheduled for a double mastectomy, I didn't know how to describe what I was experiencing.

I remember sitting in complete stillness, not peace, stillness, like the world had just stopped rotating, and no one else seemed to notice.  And then not long after that, I was angry, deeply, quietly, bone-level angry, and I didn't know what to do with that anger because it didn't make logical sense. Who was I even angry at? The target constantly changed.  Then I found myself bargaining, replaying conversations, thinking about every moment I could have done differently.  Then came the days when I could barely get out of bed, not because I was physically incapable, even though my body was fighting cancer at the time, but because the weight of it felt unbearable.

And then there were moments, brief, tender moments, when something inside me would soften, when I could hold what happened without being completely undone by it.  For years, I moved through all of these states, sometimes in the same afternoon,  without knowing that what I was experiencing had a name.

And then I learned about the stages of grief, and something shifted,  not because the pain got smaller, but because I finally understood what I was living inside of. That understanding empowered me to stop fighting myself and start moving through it. That's what I want to give you today.   

What the Stages Really Are

Most of us have heard the phrase the stages of grief, but a lot of what we think we know about them may not be correct. So let me clear a few things up before we go through them.   

The original five stages of grief were developed by a psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  In 1969, she published a groundbreaking book called On Death and Dying based on her direct work with terminally ill patients.

She was one of the first people to take grief seriously as a clinical and human experience and to give it structure. Her five stages were not meant to be a checklist. They were not meant to be linear. You will not move through them in order, on a schedule, and then arrive at the end with a gold star.

Kubler-Ross herself said the stages are like pieces of a puzzle, not a ladder you climb. You may visit them in different orders. You may stay in one for a long time.  You may return to one you thought you'd passed.  The stages are not a prescription. They're a map, and a map only helps you if you understand what you're looking at.

Now, there's also a sixth stage. In 2019, grief expert David Kessler, who worked closely with Kubler-Ross before her death, wrote a book called Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.  And what he added to her framework changed the conversation in a profound way. Because after years of working with grieving people, Kessler recognized that acceptance wasn't the end. For many people, healing required something more, something we don't talk about nearly enough.  We'll get to that sixth stage in a moment.

First, let's name all six and talk about what they actually feel like. 

Stage 1 Denial

Stage 1 is denial. Denial is almost always the first response to loss. It doesn't mean you don't know the truth.  It means your mind is protecting you from the full weight of it while your nervous system catches up. Denial sounds like, "This can't be real. Maybe they made a mistake.  I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream."

Denial also looks like numbness, going through the motions, feeling strangely calm right after a devastating event, making phone calls, handling logistics, nodding at people's condolences, and then wondering why you haven't cried yet.  That's not strength. That's your mind doing what it was designed to do, pace the pain.  Denial is not a problem to be solved. It's a buffer, and when your mind is ready, when your body is ready, it will all begin to lift.  The danger is when you stay in denial by choice,  When you use distraction, substances, or constant busyness to keep the reality of your loss at arm's length indefinitely.  So the question to ask yourself in this stage isn't, "Why haven't I cried yet?" It's, "Am I allowing reality to land a little at a time, or am I working hard to keep it away?" 

Stage 2 Anger

Stage 2 is anger. Anger often shows up after denial begins to break down, and it surprises people because grief is supposed to look like sadness, right? Tears, quiet, a soft kind of devastation. But anger is one of grief's most honest expressions. Anger sounds like, "This isn't fair. Why did this happen to me? How could they leave me? I'm furious at God, at the doctors, at myself."  Anger and grief often gets turned inward, which is when it becomes dangerous, or it gets misdirected, which is when it damages relationships, careers, and health.  But anger itself is not the enemy.  Kübler-Ross wrote that anger is a necessary stage of the healing process.

It's a sign that you're connected to the loss, that it mattered, that you love something or someone deeply enough to rage at its absence.  The goal is not to eliminate the anger. The goal is to feel it without letting it become a permanent address.  If you're angry right now at the situation, at the person who died, at the diagnosis, at the life you didn't get, that's allowed. Just don't live there. Feel it, name it, and let it pass through. 

Stage 3 Bargaining

Stage three is bargaining.  Bargaining is the mind's attempt to regain control over something that was completely outside of your control.  Bargaining sounds like, " if only I had called sooner.  What if I made a different decision?  Maybe if I paid closer attention. I'll do anything, just let this not be true."  Bargaining lives in the past and the hypothetical.  It's the what-if and if-only stage, and it's exhausting  because you're playing out scenarios that can't be changed. You're giving yourself responsibility for outcomes that were never actually in your hands.  Bargaining is grief disguised as logic. Your mind is trying to find the lever it could have pulled, the thing it could have done differently. Because if there's something you could have done, then maybe there's still something you can do now.

There isn't, and the sooner you can begin to let that go, gently with compassion for yourself,  the sooner bargaining loses its grip.  Here's a question that helped me:  Is this review of the past helping me heal, or is it keeping me stuck in a story that punishes me for something I couldn't control?

Stage 4 Depression

Stage four is depression. This is a stage that most people are afraid of and the one that gets the most misunderstood.  When Kübler-Ross talks about depression in the context of grief, she's not referring to a clinical diagnosis, though that can develop, and it should be taken seriously.  She's describing the quiet, deep, heavy sadness that descends when the reality of your loss fully lands.

Depression and grief sounds like, "I don't see the point. I have no energy for anything. Nothing feels good anymore. I just want to be alone."  This is a stage where withdrawal makes sense, where you may pull back from people, where food doesn't taste right, sleep doesn't restore you, and the things you used to love feel dull and distant.

This is grief doing its deepest work, and here is something I want you to hear clearly. This is not weakness. This is not something to push through or perform your way out of. This is your mind and body processing a reality that is genuinely terrible.  The question to ask in this stage is not how do I stop feeling this?  It's am I moving through this sadness or am I drowning in it? 

Moving through means you feel it, you allow it, and it has some movement to it, even if that movement's slow.  Drowning means it has completely stopped your life, that you have no support, that you cannot function at a basic level, that thoughts of self-harm have entered the picture.  If you're drowning, please reach out for professional support. Grief deserves a witness. It's too heavy to carry completely alone. 

Stage 5 Acceptance

Stage 5 is acceptance.  Acceptance is the most misunderstood stage at all because people hear acceptance and think it means, "I'm okay with what happened." that is not what it means. Acceptance does not mean you're fine. It does not mean you are healed. It does not mean you have stopped grieving. It means you have stopped fighting the reality of what happened.  Acceptance sounds like, "This is real. This is my life now. I cannot change what happened. I can only choose how I move forward. I can hold this loss and still keep living." 

Acceptance is not the end of grief. It's the beginning of a different relationship with it. And I want to name something important here, something I believe deeply and teach inside the iCope2Hope System. The goal is not to move on. It's to move through. Moving on implies you leave the loss behind,  that it no longer exists, that you close the chapter and never look back. Moving through means the loss becomes part of your story, not the whole story. It means you carry it differently.  It means you can honor what was without being consumed by what is gone.  Acceptance is where that shift begins.

Stage 6 Finding Meaning

But for many people, something else is needed to get there, something beyond acceptance.

That's where David Kessler comes in.  In his book, Finding Meaning, David Kessler writes that acceptance without meaning can leave people in a state of survival, alive but not truly living. And after years of witnessing grief, including the death of his own son, he came to believe that the deepest healing doesn't come from accepting the loss.

It comes from finding what the loss made possible, not because the loss was good,  not because you would ever choose it, but because the question, "What can I do with this?" has the power to transform even the most devastating experiences into something that serves others. 

Finding meaning sounds like, " I want to make sure no other family goes through this alone. Something in me changed because of this. I want to know what to do with that. I want to honor them, not just by grieving, but by living differently.  This broke me open, and what came in through the cracks is who I'm becoming now."  Finding meaning is not toxic positivity.  It's not forcing a silver lining into something that was devastating.

It's the question that changes everything. What do I do now? For me, it was one of the reasons I built iCope2Hope, not because grief handed me a roadmap, but because everything I had survived gave me something, a language, a framework, a way of seeing that I could not keep to myself. That's meaning. That doesn't erase the loss, it transforms it. 

And here's what I want you to hear: meaning cannot be rushed. You cannot skip stages one through five and arrive at stage six. You have to move through the pain before you can find what lives on the other side of it. But stage six is available to you, not someday, eventually, in the right season, with the right support, and with the courage to ask the question.

Why Naming Helps Healing

I want to talk about why naming the stages matters because some of you are going to hear these stages and think, "Okay, that's interesting," and then close the podcast and go on with your day. And I wanna stop you before you do that because naming what you are experiencing is not just an intellectual exercise, it's one of the most powerful acts of self-compassion you can give yourself.

Here's why. When you can't name what you're feeling, your brain fills in the blank with shame. If you feel numb and don't know why, your brain says, "Something's wrong with me." If you feel angry and don't understand it, your brain says, "I'm a bad person." If you're bargaining and can't stop, your brain says, "I'm stuck. I will always be stuck."  If you're in the deep fog of depression, your brain says, "I will never be okay again."  But when you can say, "I'm in the anger stage of grief," this is what anger looks like in this context, this is normal, this is part of the process, something changes. The shame loses its grip. You're not broken, you're grieving. There is a difference.

Naming your stage also gives you a framework for what comes next. It helps you identify, "Am I moving through this or have I gotten stuck here?"  It gives the people around you a language for what you're experiencing, which can help them support you better, and it gives you something incredibly important: hope.

Because when you can name the stage you're in, you can also see that there are other stages on the other side of it.  You're not at the bottom of a pit with no exit, you're at a specific point in a process that has shape and direction, and eventually a door. That doesn't make the grief smaller, but it makes it survivable.

Journal Exercise for Today

Here's something practical you can do today. Grab a journal, a sticky note, or the notes app on your phone.  Write down the name of the loss or hardship you're currently navigating or one from your past that still shows up. Then honestly ask yourself, where am I right now?

Not where you think you should be, not where you were six months ago, but where are you today? Write the name of the stage: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, or finding meaning.  Then ask yourself two questions.

Question one: Is this stage moving or have I been here a long time without much movement?

And question two: What does this stage need from me right now? For example, denial needs gentleness and a slow invitation to reality.  Anger needs expression, not direction at other people, but expression, movement, writing, talking it out.  Bargaining needs compassion, a reminder that you could not have controlled the uncontrollable.  Depression needs presence, someone to witness it, and small, consistent acts of self-care.  Acceptance needs time and truth.  Finding meaning needs the question, what do I do now? You don't have to have all the answers today. You just have to be honest about where you are.

Recap and Encouragement

Let's recap what we covered today. Grief is not one feeling. It's a process with identifiable stages.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages in her book On Death and Dying:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are not linear. They don't follow a schedule. You may revisit them. You may move through them in your own order.  David Kessler added a sixth stage in his book Finding Meaning:  discovering what the loss made possible.  Naming the stage you're in is not just intellectual. It breaks the shame cycle your brain creates when it can't explain your pain.  The goal is not to move on from grief. It's to move through it. 

This week, if you're experiencing grief, name the stage you're in and ask what that stage needs from you.  If you're in the middle of grief right now, or if you've been carrying a loss for years that is never fully processed, I want you to hear this. You're not behind. There is no timeline for grief. There is no correct way to do it. There is no version of this that means you loved less or healed wrong or need to be fixed. You're in a process, and processes move even when you can't feel them moving. You're right where you need to be. Growth happens one step at a time. 

Closing and Next Steps

Thank you for listening to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. If this episode helped you, please share it with three people who are in a hard season right now. Leave a review and connect with me online at iCope2Hope.com. The link is in the show notes. And don't forget to grab your free guide, Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. The link is in the show notes, along with other free resources. 

Until next time, adversity can make you bitter or better. Choose better! You've got this!