SNakes and Toads: When Your Instincts Were Right All Along

In this episode of They Call Me T, I share a personal story about heartbreak, betrayal, dating red flags, and learning to trust my intuition. We explore the difference between people who simply aren't the right fit and those who aren't who they claim to be. If you've ever ignored your gut feeling, questioned your judgment after a relationship, or wondered why the signs only became clear in hindsight, this conversation is for you.

Transcript

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We've all heard the story. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Well, I'd like to file a complaint. Because nobody mentioned the toads, and absolutely nobody warned me about the snakes. Now a toad is one thing. A toad is just someone who isn't your person. They're disappointing, they're annoying, maybe they chew too loudly. Maybe they think WID is a complete conversation. But a snake, oh a snake is different. A snake doesn't simply disappoint you. A snake deceives you. A snake smiles in your face while hiding things. A snake lets you invest your time, your energy, your emotions while they're withholding information that would completely change your decision. And recently I found out I was dealing with a snake. Hello everyone. Welcome to They Call Me Tea, and I'm your host T, storyteller, tea drinker, collector of life lessons, and apparently now an accidental wildlife expert. Thank you so much for joining me today. And if you're new here, welcome. If you've been here for a while, thank you for sticking around. And this space is where we explore life, growth, heartbreak, healing, and all of the strange little lessons we pick up along the way. Today we're talking about snakes and toads. And unfortunately, I have field experience. Can we talk about dating for a second? Because I don't know who designed this system, but I've got questions. When did dating become detective work? When did finding companionship require investigative journalism? I feel like half the time we're trying to figure out whether someone likes us, the other half we're trying to determine whether they're actually available. And somewhere in between, we're attempting to protect our hearts. It's quite exhausting, actually. Now, don't get me wrong, I've met some toads. Most of us have. You know, people who weren't bad. They just weren't for us. Wrong timing, wrong chemistry, wrong values, wrong direction. Those relationships aren't tragic. They're just disappointing. But they're honest. And honestly, I'd take a hundred toads over one snake. Because snakes are different. A snake removes the ability to make an informed choice. That's the real issue. And it's not that they aren't interested, it's not that they don't choose you, it's that they're presenting one version of reality while living another. Let's talk about my latest encounter. I was involved with somebody on and off for over a year, and recently I discovered that for most of that time he wasn't actually single. Now, I want to be clear. This isn't an episode about dragging someone. It's not an episode about revenge. And honestly, it's not even really about him. It's about what happens when the truth arrives, right? How do you deal with that? Your reaction. It's about what happens when you realize you've been making decisions based on information that wasn't accurate. Because that's what hurt the most. Not that he made choices, not that he lived his life, but that I wasn't given the truth. I wasn't given the opportunity to make an informed decision. And that's where betrayal lives. I remember sitting there after finding out. I remember sitting there after finding out, just staring, thinking, are you serious? Not even crying at first, just confused. But when a lie gets exposed, your brain immediately starts recognizing memories. You're suddenly reviewing a year's worth of moments, and you're asking yourself questions you never thought you'd have to ask. Was that true? You know, what about this conversation? What about that weekend? What about that excuse? It's exhausting. And because you're not only processing the new information, you're reprocessing the old information. Here's what keeps coming back to me. My instincts knew something. Not everything, but something. Have you ever had that feeling? That feeling where nothing is technically wrong, but something feels off, right? Nothing feels completely right either. That's where I was. There wasn't one giant flashing warning sign. There wasn't a dramatic movie scene. It was little things, tiny things, things that didn't quite fit. And what makes instincts so difficult is that they're rarely loud. They're subtle. They whisper. They nudge. They tap you gently on the shoulder. My instincts weren't screaming. They were simply asking questions. Questions I didn't always want to answer. Now let's talk about hope, okay? We're gonna like fit this all in. Let's talk about hope. Hope is beautiful. Hope gets us through the hard times. Hope helps us believe in people. That's a big one for me. Hope really helps us believe in people because I rarely believe in people. I have this whole trust issue. Again, I've talked about this before on previous podcasts. I am working on that. I need to work on that. So, to be honest, this is the first time I actually kind of trusted somebody. And you know that hope really does help us believe in people. And hope helps us take chances. Another big one for me. I don't take a whole lot of chances, but hope can also be incredibly inconvenient. Because hope doesn't like evidence. Hope likes possibilities. And every time something felt off, hope would show up with a PowerPoint presentation. Hope would say, maybe he's just busy. Maybe you're overthinking. Maybe there's another explanation. Maybe you're being too cautious. I'd always have that in the back of my mind. It's time to let go a little bit. And honestly, sometimes I wanted hope to win. I really did. There was times I really just wanted to think something else. And I would actually let people tell me that I'm being too cautious. I'm overthinking things. And I would just latch on to that. But in my gut, it was like, well, I don't know, something's not adding up. You know? And because hope is very inconvenient, you honestly want hope to win. Because if hope was right, everything could stay comfortable. The truth would require action. The truth would require difficult conversations. The truth would require change. And sometimes we avoid the truth because we're not ready for what comes after it. And one thing I've learned is that when we care about someone, we become excellent storytellers. Not because we're foolish, because we're invested. And to be honest, after it all comes out, you feel very foolish and you think I shouldn't have let my guard down. But the reality is that's not the truth. Again, it's because you're invested and we want things to make sense. We want people to be who they say they are. We want consistency. So when inconsistencies appear, we often write explanations. We fill in the blanks. We smooth out rough edges. Looking back, I can see all of the little stories I created. Not because I was trying to deceive myself. Well, maybe I was. I don't know. I digress. But because I was trying to preserve what I hoped was true, what I was told, what I was led to believe. And that's a very human thing. People always talk about red flags, but I think most heartbreak begins with yellow flags, tiny ones, easy to dismiss, easy to explain, a delayed response, a strange answer, a pattern that doesn't quite make sense, a feeling you can't explain. By themselves, they seem insignificant, but eventually they start forming a picture. And here's the tricky part. Sometimes the picture isn't visible before we're willing to take a look at it. Right? Sometimes that picture is not clear to us. So we're we're not willing to really look at it, put the pieces together. Sometimes our instincts see the puzzle coming together before our minds do. Let that sink in. Because that's an uncomfortable space to be in. And that's an uncomfortable reality. That's an uncomfortable truth. This part feels very important to tell myself I wasn't crazy. Because after betrayal, a lot of people ask, How did I not know? And I've asked myself that question. I still ask myself that question. Probably a million times over. How did I not know? I knew, but I didn't know. I knew, but I didn't want to come to terms with it. I knew, but I didn't want to validate it. I didn't want to see it. But lately I've been wondering if that's even the right question. Maybe the question isn't, how did I not know? Maybe the question is, why didn't I trust what I already sensed? Because looking back, I noticed things. I questioned things. I wondered about things. I wasn't blind. I wasn't clueless. I certainly wasn't crazy. I was receiving information. I just didn't have confirmation. And there is a huge difference. I think that's important because so many women leave situations like this questioning their intelligence, questioning their judgment, questioning themselves, like questioning your value. Questioning your value is a big one. That's what happens in these situations for women. You question your value. I'm not sure if men question their value as much as women do. And if I'm wrong, please send me a message. Let me know. You know, if you're a man out there listening to my podcast, let me know if if if maybe I'm wrong in that perspective. But certainly women question themselves, especially the older you get. You really start to question your value. And maybe the truth is that you were paying attention all along. Maybe you were seeing exactly what you needed to see. Right? You were seeing through blinders, you were seeing what you needed to see so that you wouldn't feel hurt. You just didn't have all of the pieces yet. All the while, your gut is still telling you something and you're ignoring it. The second betrayal. For me, the second betrayal was the conversation I started having with myself afterwards. Because once the truth comes out, there's another battle, the internal one. The voice that says, You should have known, you should have left, you should have listened. And if you're not careful, you end up carrying responsibility that doesn't belong to you. That is not your responsibility to deal with somebody else's lies, to deal with somebody else because they're of unsavory character. That is not your responsibility, and that is not a load that you need to be carrying. To be honest, yes, I wish I had to listen to myself sooner. Absolutely. Absolutely. But I refuse to take ownership of someone else's dishonesty. Those are not the same thing. There's a difference between learning from an experience and punishing yourself for it. That's what we tend to do. I think men and women punish themselves for other people's dishonesty. Again, there's a big difference between learning from an experience and punishing yourself for it. I'm interested in learning. I'm no longer interested in self-punishment. Although, if I'm being honest, that self-punishment is prevalent. It really is. Especially if you're a person that doesn't trust much. If you're a person that questions everything and everyone, you're always wondering about people's motives. You don't want to let somebody in. You create barriers. That's not right either, but it certainly can affect how you feel when you find out about betrayal, because then you really start to beat yourself up, especially if you've let your guard down. And in this instance, I let my guard down. And it's the first time I actually really let my guard down in a long time. Then that self-punishment is very prevalent. But again, I'm interested in learning. I'm no longer interested in that self-punishment. As an older woman, there's a strange expectation that by now I should know. I should know better. I should see everything. And that I should, you know, avoid heartbreak entirely. I think that's the misconception. You think when you get older, you're so much smarter, you won't have heartbreak because you would have evaded it because you're smarter. That is not a thing. You could be heartbroken at 80. It's it's not a thing. But you tell yourself that. The reality is age doesn't make us immune to deception. Experience doesn't make us immune to hope. Let me clear something up. Trusting someone is not stupidity. Believing someone is not weakness. I have a hard time grappling with that one. Because I've always felt that it's a sign of weakness when you actually let your guard down. I have this thing that is actually not right. When you let your guard down, it's a sign of weakness. The flaw isn't in the person who trusted, the flaw is in the person who exploited that trust. That's what you have to remember. If a person sees that you're trusting and a person sees that you've been able to be vulnerable with them, and they exploit that, that's on them. That's never on you. That's on them wholly. That's got nothing to do with you. You don't carry that. That is a them problem, not a you problem. One of the hardest parts isn't losing the person. It's losing the story, the future you imagined, the possibilities you considered, the version of reality you thought existed. Let's define terms. A toad isn't your prince. A snake, though, pretends to be. A toad disappoints you, but a snake deceives you. A toad wastes your evening. A snake wastes your emotional energy. I didn't want this lesson. This is what this taught me. To be clear, I didn't want this lesson. Okay. Nobody signs up for heartbreak. But here we are. And if I'm going to go through something painful, I'd like to leave with something useful. One thing I've learned is that I need to listen to myself more. Not fearfully, not suspiciously, just honestly. That's it. And if you talk about consistency and how somebody shows up, words matter, but patterns matter more. And that is a huge lesson I learned here. Anyone can tell a good story, but consistency tells the real one. The truth hurts deeply. But the truth also gave me something. It gave me freedom. Because I can finally make a decision based on reality. I can finally make a decision and say, oh, no, no, no, no. It doesn't matter what happens from here on in. My decision now is to close that door permanently. There's no going back. Absolutely no going back. That's the decision now I can make off of reality. So where does this leave me? Am I done dating? I don't know. I could certainly say that I'm done dating right now. I didn't seek out this partner, it just kind of happened. And really, right now is I just want to focus on myself. And that's the important thing for people. You have to focus on yourself. One of the things I've talked about before in previous episodes is you really need to learn how to be in love with yourself. You need to learn how to value yourself. You need to treat yourself good. You need to see all the possibilities that you have, where you're going, how you're going to get there, the belief that you have in yourself and everything around you. Because the reality is, if you don't have that, how can somebody else have that? How in the world can somebody be in love with you if you don't love yourself? And I'm not just talking about love. I mean really be in love with yourself. Really feeling yourself. I'm not talking about ego. That's a different thing. But I mean really in love with yourself. You take care of your temple. You eat well, you sleep good. You take care of your body, you work out, you meditate if that's your thing. If that's not your thing, that's fine. You read, you're glowing, you dress well. Your body's your temple, your mind, all of that. And it shows when you step out of the house, I just want to take the time to really do the things that I haven't been able to do or that I've been lacking or that I've chosen to ignore. That's what I want to do. I have some plans. I'm going to be traveling, have a new job. All of those things. My creative projects are starting to come to light again. All of those things that I want to do, those are important for me. That's what I need to focus on. My health. And definitely take the lessons that I've learned from this last experience. This is not a good experience. I would have much rather not have had to have this experience, but it happened. And it opened my eyes. And that's what I want. I want to take something negative and build something positive out of it. Because at this point, that's all you can do. And really learn to love myself again. Because this did beat me up a little bit, and I allowed it to beat me up. Then I just had to wake up and say, okay, this is what happened. You can now make an informed decision. Move on. And if there's one thing about having somebody in your life that is of unsavory character, they don't know what they do to you. And what they do is build a stronger you because that's what you take out of it. What you say is, I choose me, I value me, I am priority. That's what you take out of these situations. And this isn't about revenge and hoping that person will come back. There is no coming back. Because when you let somebody like that come back into your life, Whether it's even on a friend basis, it's the energy. They chose to treat you like that and you allowed it. So you now cannot allow that negativity in your space anymore. Am I done with dating? I don't know. Ask me next week. Ask me next month. Ask me in six months. But right now, I'm definitely not actively seeking a relationship because I don't have the space for that. And at this point, I'd like honesty and consistency and communication. Apparently, those are luxury items. But I'm a bougie chick. So I can afford those things. What I know now is this. Number one, my instincts deserve my attention. My peace deserves protection. And my heart deserves honesty. And you have to be able to say that you love those things for you and that you deserve those things. That is so deserving. If you do not understand what you deserve, you will never navigate through this life in a positive way. Because you'll always be looking for somebody else to validate. If you don't love yourself and you're always seeking somebody else to love you, it's never gonna work. Never. And if you don't understand what you need, what you deserve, what you want, then you're gonna go through a lot of heartbreak. And I'm not saying that you can't put your trust into somebody and think that they're going to give you that because they've said it and you believed them and it didn't turn out that way. It's not weakness. What I'm saying is you have to be very clear about your boundaries. Write it down. Write down what you want, write down what you deserve, write down your boundaries. Write down your non-negotiables. Because if you do that, you'll have a better understanding of self. And also don't give chances. I think there's just some things where you just do not give chances. You cut things off. If you are dealing with somebody and he is not consistent and you have caught him in lies or he's been deceiving you, don't go back. Because for a man and a woman, if a man chooses you, he chooses you. If a woman chooses you, she chooses you. But if you hurt that person time and time again, you're never going to be on a level where your emotions are concerned, where your value is concerned. Unfortunately, we are in a space and we are in a time where honesty does not come fruitfully. That's why I say you really need to know what your heart deserves. Looking back, I've kissed a few toads, but I've definitely met some snakes. And if this last experience taught me anything, it's that a snake can break your heart, but it can also sharpen your vision. Because now I trust myself a little more. I listen to myself better. And I understand something I didn't fully understand before. The goal isn't finding perfection. There's no such thing. The goal is finding truth. And I'd rather have a painful truth than a comfortable lie. Thank you for spending time with me. Thanks for being here today on my little rant. And hopefully you got something out of this. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need it. Like, subscribe. And remember, protect your peace. Trust your instincts and be careful in the swap. I'm T, and this has been They Call Me T, until next time.