Nusantara Women: Authenticity Grows Alignment? // Episode #11

We explore the honest tension between ambition and family, and why dropping the “have it all” myth creates real freedom. Sarah shares how vulnerability, culture, and faith shape her path, postpartum, and becoming visibly Muslim.

• accepting limits to build a livable rhythm
• the 6 a.m. logistics behind polished work
• vulnerability as strength, not oversharing
• Crazy Cat’s empathy circles and community impact
• motherhood’s identity shift, grief and guilt coexisting
• asking for help early and often
• culture versus faith in expectations of mothers
• quiet ambition and presence as success
• choosing hijab, self-acceptance, and visibility
• conversation starter: what is your crazy

Tag us on Instagram at the Juggleverse with your recalibration moment, subscribe to fuel or top 25% rise together, share this with one woman, healing in silence, and carry Sarah's wisdom into your week

More about Crazycat here: https://www.hellocrazycat.com

On social: https://www.instagram.com/hellocrazycat/

 More about Sarah here.

Nusantara Women Conversations podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/2DwHnh2OUxItsv5EJVeo0A?si=5a211c978c9a41cd

An understanding of why Sarah started it: https://www.instagram.com/p/CazeYMIh4Gy/?img_index=1

 Sara is also in fund raising:

https://www.instagram.com/palestinianscholarship.sg/

This initiative has been endorsed by Singapore’s Prime Minister, Lawrence Wong:https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/over-200000-raised-for-full-ride-scholarship-for-palestinian-students

Transcript

Breaking The “Have It All” Myth

SPEAKER_01 0:00

We talk about juggling, we talk about balancing, but it feels like that sets me up for failure modernity, like juggling. So I feel like I can't, I can't juggle it. I can't do it all. I can't have it all. And I know there are some women out there who say no, women can have it all, but I'm of the perspective that no, women can't have it all. And the sooner we accept that, the better, because then we can do what we need to do in order to have that rhythm or whatever it is for ourselves. So the sooner we can ask for help. It hasn't been easy. And just talking to other friends, for example, other mom friends about it and realizing that I'm not alone. And I think that's one thing about motherhood. It feels so isolating. Sometimes we feel like we're going through this by ourselves, but other women, other mothers are going through the same thing. And the more we talk about it, the more we find community around it. Like that really helps.

The Juggleverse Mission And Milestone

Meet Sarah: Storyteller And Mother

Edit 0:57

Imagine 6 a.m. chaos. Baby screaming, makeup artist waiting, school shuttle dispatched, your first MC Geek four months postpartum. Welcome to the Juggoverse, where mums rewrite the rules. I'm Edit and I started the Juggoverse to spotlight inspiring stories of women, navigating work, family, and that inner fire with grace and grit. Thanks to you, our incredible community, we have hit the top 25% of newly launched podcasts globally. If this resonates, hit subscribe, share with one mom who needs it, and let's keep climbing together. Today, Sarah Bagarib, the storyteller who made investigative docs, built crazy cat for 6,000 plus everyday women, hosts Nusantara Women Conversations, and Wrangles Two Daughters. Spills her recalibration secrets. Hello, Sarah. Welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Hi, Ede. Thanks so much for having me.

The 6 A.M. Chaos And Logistics

Edit 2:00

How was this uh dawn of madness story? Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Yeah. Oh wow, that that feels like a lifetime ago because my daughter just turned a year old yesterday. So incredible. Thank you. Um and you're just thinking back to that story and that moment is bizarre. It's it's yeah, it's it's crazy that that I went through that. Um and yeah, so that story was, I think it was four months. I was four months postpartum, it was my first MC gig. Um, so I do some corporate MCing and I was just really excited to get back into it, but also realizing that it's it, you know, it's a different phase of life. Um I have a newborn-ish. I mean, she's already four months. Um, but also I was also struggling with, I mean, just postpartumness of it all. Um, changes in body and just not feeling my most confident, you know, as well. Exactly. But I was excited. I was excited to sort of, you know, regain that sense of self a bit and do something I love. Um, but yeah, but I think what was, you know, what gave me a lot of anxiety going into that wasn't, you know, the job itself, wasn't, you know, going back into MCing, but it was the logistics of all of it going into the job. Uh so you know, I have uh a six-year-old. Um, she was still in kindergarten at that time. Um, and then I have a four-month-old, and I'm thinking, okay, and my husband is um on a walk trip. So he wasn't, he wasn't home with me. Um, so I have to be at the venue um by I think eight in the morning. And so if I, you know, figure out what how much time I needed to get ready and all of that, in order to get to the venue by 8 a.m., I need to get makeup done and all of that. Um, I thought, okay, wow, um I can't get it done, you know, with my daughter, you know, my four month old by herself. And so I had to um get on, you know, call my village, um, my in-laws, I got them to help me with my baby. Um, before that, you know, my daughter slept over there. And so at 6 a.m., I had to get my newborn and send her over to my in laws, and thankfully they stay like 10 minutes away. So it's not too bad. Um, but it's the logistics of all of it and thinking about, oh, I, you know, I'm still breastfeeding, I have to, you know, pump, I have to, you know, do all that, I have to get rid of all these things. Yeah. And so it's just the madness of all of it just to get to one place at eight in the morning.

Vulnerability As Intentional Strength

Edit 4:21

And plan versus reality, right? Exactly. How it works usually. Yeah. Uh you frame vulnerability as intentional strength, not oversharing. Uh, how has sharing your stories with purpose created that grounding liberation, especially after years of being taught, hold it all together?

Building Crazy Cat: Stories And Community

SPEAKER_01 4:44

Yeah, no, that's really interesting. I think as like in Asian communities, especially, we're told, you know, um, don't talk about feelings, you know, don't, you know, you have to keep that front that you're strong all the time. And and vulnerability is typically seen as a weakness rather than a strength. Um, I think I grew up, you know, believing that as well. And as someone who grew up with a lot of emotions, I am inherently um just someone who's more empathetic, someone who has a lot of emotions, big emotions. And I've been told, like, you know, oh, I'm just too much. My emotions are too much. Um, and so I internalized that. And for a long time, um I hit that, you know, I wasn't vulnerable. I felt like that was being weak. Uh but it came to You suppressed these feelings? Exactly. Yeah, I suppressed those feelings. Uh, but it came to a point when I, you know, this was me in my mid-20s, um, you know, growing into a young woman and just had so many questions. Uh, and I was looking out um to spaces and stories um that I could relate to. But a lot of those stories were women who have already arrived at the destination of success. And I was like, where are the real stories where women are actually, you know, telling their truth or like the vulnerability of how they got to that place? Um, and so I realized that I was actually seeking vulnerability. I was seeking truths, I was seeking the realness, the honest stories. And that's how, because you know, I couldn't find a platform like that or a community like that. Um, I created that myself. And it's called Crazy Cat. It's a media company that supports women's well-being and personal growth through stories, through events and experiences. And all of it is rooted in vulnerability and authenticity. Um, and it's just amazing when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Uh, if it's the other women telling the story of me telling my story, I'm giving permission to other women to be brave to also tell their stories as well. And they get to live in alignment with their truth, with their authentic selves. Um, yeah, and so I think it's just um a wonderful thing what vulnerability allows, and it allows you to foster deeper, more authentic connections first and foremost with yourself and then with the ones around you. Tell me something more about Crazy Cat. How does it look like in practice? Yeah, so Crazy Cat has been around since 2017, 2018. It really started with me just wanting to tell stories of everyday women, um, providing a platform for women to tell their stories. And it's really funny because, well, it's not funny. I mean, it shouldn't be, but when we ask women what is your story, a lot of them say, I don't have a story to tell. And I think that's not true. We all carry stories, we all have a story to tell. We don't have to have survived something huge to have a story. Um, and I think as women, that's how it's been for us. We're told to play small, we're told to share parts of ourselves, uh, we're told to not own the stories, our our stories and our truths. Um, and so that's how it started. I really just wanted to provide a platform for where women can be confident enough in their selves and their stories and share that with other women so that other women can get um feel, you know, get the permission and feel like they can tell theirs too. Um, and so that's how Crazy Cat really started, as like a website, a media platform that that highlights stories of everyday women. But I also felt like what I wanted was a community of everyday women, women who are works in progress, women who want to be their best, most authentic selves. Um, and just trying to figure out how to do that. Uh and you know, if you're in community, you have other women doing it with you, you know, you get inspired, you feel supported. And that's that's just been the beauty of our community events as well, when it all came together. Uh in 2018, we had a launch event where about 300 people, not just women, but men as well, uh, came in an auditorium. Uh, it was at Sota School of the Arts. Um, and it was all centered around letting your light shine. We had a keynote speaker, her name's Norta Jouri, who shared her story about how she let her light shine. And then we had a panel discussion of women who also shared their story. And yeah, I think there was just something magical in the room because when it came to QA, um, some of the some of the questions that uh the participants and audience members asked was really vulnerable. Um, and that's when I realized, wow, there's actually a demand for spaces like that, uh, for women to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel belonged. And that's how, you know, it kind of evolved from there and became a community and a platform to support uh women who are works in progress.

Edit 9:14

What would you say to those women who would like to join this community? Because I think and I believe that always the first step is the hardest, right? To take. So, how would you encourage them to take the first step, take that first step and join this community?

SPEAKER_01 9:28

Yeah. Um yeah, I think to join the community, a lot of it is our events. I honestly haven't been doing crazy cat events for a while because um two years ago I became pregnant. It was a really hard pregnancy, and then last year was all about navigating, you know, being a mom again after close to six years. Um, but that's something I'm looking forward to this year to host events again. And I think a lot of it, you know, people with women, especially who come to our events, uh sometimes they come, you know, they come alone, which is which is beautiful to see that something spoke to them about the theme or the topic of the event. So sometimes we do topics like um the invisible load we carry as women, you know, just celebrating your growth. So some come with friends, some come alone. The ones who come alone, they leave, you know, they come as you know, meet strangers at the event, but they leave as friends. So I feel like um if you want to be a part of such a community, I think uh just be curious, uh, you know, lean into it. If if it speaks to you, just come, even if it's alone. Um, know that you won't leave feeling alone, but instead you feel supported and inspired.

Edit 10:31

Or at least link to someone who can listen to you. Exactly. And uh you can be vulnerable as well and tell tell your story, tell your problems, even if you have your grit and uh your your sadness, even your sadness.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Absolutely. So these events that uh we host, and I facilitate what I call empathy circles through these uh crazy cat events. So, like I said, they're all rooted in vulnerability. Um, and so when one woman stands up and shares her story or whatever that she's feeling or whatever she was journaling about, it gives from the pulls the others, right? Exactly. And it's just something really it's powerful, it's magical to just witness that unfold. You know, I'm facilitating that, but it you know, to just watch that. It's uh yeah, and immerse myself in that experience. It's just so beautiful. Um, and I think, you know, there's so many stories of of women who come in as strangers but leave, you know, being friends. They started businesses together, some collaborated together, um, some go on play dates with their kids, you know. So it's just really nice to see that um they've connected with one another through the stories that they share. And and there is that, right? It's like you you find truths or you find something, you see yourself in someone else's story that you feel like, like you said, you can connect to and you can relate to.

Motherhood’s Identity Shift And Grief

Edit 11:40

So yeah. When motherhood reshapes uh identity, because it definitely shapes identity and the old self no longer fits. Um, what does that grief, guilt, relief, cocktail uh feel like? And how do you navigate women through those coexisting emotions? Even besides crazy cat, because I assume that you talk to other mothers as well. There must be another type of community within your um uh living community as well, besides uh crazy cat. But how do you do that?

Asking For Help And Finding Belonging

Culture, Faith, And Modern Motherhood

SPEAKER_01 12:11

Absolutely. Oof grief and guilt. Um, I feel like it's disorientating, you know, disorienting at first. I mean, it's it's two emotions that, you know, it's just funny because like when I became a mom like six years ago, six and a half years ago, um, I was actually grieving my old self, the me before I became a mom. And that's just at odds with, you know, wow, this blessing, you know, that I have, that this most rewarding experience of becoming a mom. Why am I grieving my old self when I have something more? You know, like life grows and evolves. Um, so I, you know, for for a while I was, I was grieving and I was guilty for grieving, um, and guilty for wanting more than what I have or what I had. And so to rec reconciling that wasn't wasn't easy. But and it took me a while to kind of figure out that actually the tree emotion, like they can all coexist. And the sooner I accepted that, the better. Because, you know, yes, you know, I have this beautiful life now, you know, there are there are many women who who want what I what I have, you know, and who can't. Um, and so it's such a privilege, it's such a blessing to be, to be, to have that. And so I think remembering that, you know, we're all, you know, everything happens for a reason. It's more of like asking myself, what is the season trying to teach me? Um, I think that's that's been that's something that I've I've learned a lot, especially since I became a mom, is um investigating uh and asking that question, what is this season trying to teach me? Um and so, you know, I learned quite early on that I, well, in in motherhood that, you know, I I had to figure that out for myself because if I don't, then how am I going to show up to my for my daughter? Um and it became you know a big responsibility that that I wanted to take on and I had to take on, right? As a mom, we we do that. Um we have all these ambitions, we have all these dreams and goals, and then we become mothers. Uh, and it's the most beautiful, rewarding thing ever. But we also have all these other things that we want to achieve for ourselves. So how do we then reconcile that? And so I think it's, you know, we talk about juggling, we talk about balancing, but I feel like, you know, it feels like that sets me up for failure, modernity, like juggling. Because I feel like I can't, I can't juggle it. I can't do it all, I can't have it all. And I know there are some women out there who say, no, women can have it all, but I'm of the perspective that no, women can't have it all. And the sooner we accept that, the better, because then we can do what we need to do in order to have that rhythm or whatever it is for ourselves. So the sooner we can ask for help, for example. Yeah, it's it hasn't been easy and just talking to other friends, for example, other mom friends about it, uh, and realizing that I'm not alone. And I think that's one thing about motherhood. It's it feels so isolating. Sometimes we feel like we're we're going through this by ourselves, but other women, other mothers um are going through the same thing. And the more we talk about it, the more we find community around it, like that that really helps.

Edit 15:18

For Southeast Asian and Muslim mothers, those cultural and faith-shaped expectations hit uh different at work versus home, uh, especially as someone who's built a, for example, crazy cat like you or the Nusantara conversation. So, how is it how is it going uh in your culture? Yeah, I think it's unfolded somehow for me.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Yeah, thank you so much for asking that question. Um, I think, you know, as a Southeast Asian and Muslim woman, there are a lot of, I guess, cultural expectations. It's very separate from faith. I think um I recognize that quite early on that a lot of it is how we've internalized, you know, like our mothers who have grown in this, in this culture, in this world where they've had to do it all. They've had to be uh moms who are martyrs, for example. And what I mean by that is moms who have to do it all, who have to uh let go of their own needs just to raise their kids. Um, and that's something that's cultural and expectations put on on mothers more than it is got to do with faith, for example. Um in Islam or as a Muslim woman, you know, being a mom is actually um what we what we call a responsibility, or in Arabic we say amanah, uh, and also it's part of worship or ibadah, as we say it. So we're not never meant to choose one or the other. Uh, but I think there are still some, you know, because we are, you know, I see myself as a millennial mom, um, and we have the tools and the resources now and the language to understand and discern that. Um, I feel, you know, we we understand how we approach motherhood a lot differently from our moms, for example. Because my mom, she was a stay-at-home mom. It was just more of, I imagine, a conversation my parents had where my mom, you know, had decided she'll just stay at home and my dad would be the breadwinner. But, you know, growing up, she was, I felt like she wasn't her happiest self, perhaps. And it really is because she had to give up all the things she loved, you know, the things she wanted to do to raise my siblings and I. And and I because, you know, at the time, you you don't think about like maternal mental health. Like mental health wasn't even a conversation or topic that they they understood or they knew. So to them, it's like this is how I have to do it, and this is how I have to do it. Um, and they didn't realize, oh, there's actually another way to do it, that they can, you know, get help, they can, you know, do all of that. And so for me, ever since I became a mom, I knew that I had to confront all of that. And I knew um, you know, I didn't want to, I wanted to raise my child differently. And I'm not saying it's any fault of my mom. It's because she didn't know better. Of course. Yeah. And and for me, it's like because I have the tools and the resources now, I want to do things differently.

Edit 18:08

Do you think it roots from the cultural background? Because I I can hear you and I can see some uh similarities with uh my culture as well. So compared to your mother, my mother also did almost the same. So I think maybe it's a kind of generational fixing that they try to balance it somehow and push themselves in the background.

Nusantara Women Conversations Vision

SPEAKER_01 18:32

Exactly. Perhaps so. Perhaps so. I mean, I think for us, there's so many women who are Southeast Asian and Muslim who were already paving the way for women like myself today. Um, but I think what was lacking was um seeing them visibly, like the platforms that they were given. You know, they weren't either not given the same opportunities or they were not um acknowledged as such. And so I think for me, that that was exactly why I wanted to start Nusan Tarowan Conversations podcast, is because I wanted to create this space and this platform for women who look like me, women who identify with the same, you know, culture and beliefs, um, and highlight our stories. Uh, I think growing up, that was also something I didn't see enough of. I didn't see women who look like me in visible spaces of success. And so I internalized that as like imposter syndrome. I thought I wasn't good enough. But it's actually because I don't see these women in those spaces. And so the podcast was there mainly because I wanted to platform these stories and also pave the way for my daughters so that one day when they grow up, you know, they have all these examples of women who are doing amazing, wonderful things and they can see that for themselves.

Edit 19:41

Uh tell me something about this podcast and something more about this podcast. Yeah. So how many episodes uh have you had so far?

The Conversation Starter: “What’s Your Crazy?”

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Um I've only had four so far, and I did that like a few years ago. Really, it it stemmed from a space of self-discovery. Um, I think with the same way I started Crazy Cat, it really was this space of self-discovery. Um, and I think what evolved with and how it evolved with New Santa Women conversations um was because I became a mom. And I think I really wanted to understand myself. Who am I? What, you know, um, and I have all these questions and I was very curious about the answers. And I started it because I didn't have the answers, I wanted to speak to other women who could understand my background, my culture, um, and what it's like growing up as a Southeast Asian Malay or Muslim. And I wanted to figure that out. So it really is has been that journey of investigating, of being curious, of wanting to know. Um, and that's why it has existed.

Edit 20:41

Women committed to healing often feel alone in their inner conflicts as well. As you mentioned with with you, it happened also and also with me. What's one conversation starter that immediately makes um them feel seen and understood in the struggle? If we talk about your podcast or uh the crazy cat uh community, what did you see there?

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Yeah. With crazy cat, the question I ask is, what is your crazy? Yeah. And and how we want to redefine crazy. When we think about crazy, we think of someone who's just lost their minds, right? But really, your crazy is your unique strength. Your crazy is your truth at your core. Who are you? What what do you love? You know, what is your crazy? And so all the women that I ask, uh, what is your crazy? They're like, what is this? But you know, it really is what is the story you want to tell? And so that somehow allows them, it gives them like, like, oh wow, firstly, like this question is is not usual. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's not usual. The question itself. Exactly. And then it makes them, it helps peel the layers. When I say, what is your truth? What's it, what is your crazy? Who are you really? Um, you know, it gives them permission, it gives them, I guess, some form of like psychological safety where they feel like, okay, they can open up and they can share that with me. Um, and it's the same with Nusantara women conversation. You know, it really is, I think, I think it really starts with, you know, me being vulnerable and practicing that vulnerability. Um and yeah, giving them permission to tell their truths essentially.

Edit 22:16

Postpartum with the second baby after a six-year gap, uh, how did that identity shift force you to redefine who you are as a mother and creator as well?

Returning To Work Too Soon

Quiet Ambition And Family Presence

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Yeah, no, that's such a loaded question because I feel like it's still unraveling for me. Um, yeah, like my my second gistant one, it's been a whole year of navigating that. Um, it's interesting because if I go back right to the start of that journey, um, I was actually diagnosed with secondary infertility. Um, and so what that is is, and not many women or not many people hear or hear about that or understand that. So you hear about infertility, but then there's where it's difficult for a woman to bear a child or to get pregnant. So that's the reason why you have uh six years gap. Yeah, the gap. So secondary infertility is when you have um you have a child already, you have given birth once, but then it's it's difficult to conceive another. Um, so that's something, you know, that that I've been praying for and hoping for. I really want to have a second kid. Though it took me a while, like I think we only started like wanting to have another kid like four years into um after we had our first. It was only when I, you know, have have some semblance of self again. And I was like, okay, maybe we can try to have another. Uh, but then we tried for a while and it, you know, still hadn't conceived. And so that's when I went back to my gynee and I and I said, let's do some tests. Um and that's when, you know, I was diagnosed and I was like, okay, wow, um, never thought about it. You know, we we just assume that once we've given birth before. What can be wrong if you already have it? Yeah. Um, so for a long time it was, you know, I carried that quiet kind of grief, um, silent grief. I think we don't talk about it enough. And and there are all these questions where other people will ask, oh, you already have a child. When are you when are you gonna get number two? You know, and and it hits you hard sometimes because like, yeah, I too want to have a second. It's you know, I've been, you know, we've been trying. Um, so it's you know, right from the start, my second daughter has been, you know, um a baby I've been praying for for a really long time. And so once I finally um got pregnant again, I was obviously really happy, but it was a really, really hard pregnancy. You know, we talk about morning sickness, it was all day sickness for me throughout throughout the pregnancy. And anxiety as well. Exactly. Anxiety, all of it. It's like, okay, yeah, wow, like this is happening. I've prayed for this, but at the same time, it's so hard. And I struggled with that. I was quite guilty about it because wow, this is something I've been wanting. And I know so many women, so many friends, so many close friends um who also wanted you know the same. They've been trying to conceive. Um, and I here I am, you know, having the privilege and the blessing of this, and yet I'm struggling. And yet, you know, I'm finding it really hard. So I was really navigating a lot of that um throughout the pregnancy. So 2024 was was a lot of that. And it was, it was really hard to show up as well. Um, you know, building crazy cat with, you know, I'm also, you know, an MC. And it's a lot of like having to be out there, you know, put myself out there. Um, and and that was hard because I was really struggling, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. And so it took me, you know, I just kind of accepted that, okay, that's just a season of trying to um show up enough where I need to be, um, but then rest as much as I needed to. And then when baby was here, um, I mean, it's just so beautiful. My my daughter, my six and a half year old, she's been wanting another sibling since she was three. So she's been, and and her prayer has been very um uh what is it, uh uh very clear. It's been, I want a baby sister. And we've been telling her directly. Yeah, exactly, very direct. And we're telling her, yes, sure, but we can't, you know, we can't choose whether you get a baby brother or baby sister. So really like it's her answer prayer as well to have, you know, have a baby sister. So seeing that unfold, um, you know, and to have just one kid for so long, you know, we've already built that family dynamic. And then now after All of a sudden there's a baby again. Exactly. So it's like, and for a while it was really funny because it really felt like she was a stranger. I mean, with every child, you feel like, you know, someone new in your life, but even more so because we already have this, and then now we have another one come in and like how does how where does she fit? Um, so the first week especially was very, very hot. Um, you know, going through the newborn phase again after six years. It's like, okay, number one is already sleeping well and you know, got her own thing. We can communicate with her. We know what she wants, what she doesn't want. And then here we are going through it all over again. Um, and again, like such a blessing. So in my head, it's like, I need to be grateful. I need to be grateful, I need to be grateful. But at the same time, oh my God, it is so hard. And so I think I needed, I really, really, really needed to give myself a lot of grace. And that that's something, you know, the people around him were telling me, you know, it what you're doing is not easy. Um, give yourself grace, like be kind to yourself. And and I knew that that's what I needed to do for myself, but we're our biggest uh critic and um we're harsh to ourselves. And and that was how it was for me. I'm like, no, I need to, you know, um, no rest. I just need to figure this out. And again, I think because at this point I've already established my business, I was already doing some MCing. Um, you know, I wanted to develop that as well with the podcast and and the community. Um, and so I wanted to go back to work. And I went back to work like eight weeks postpartum, which was crazy. I don't, you know, in hindsight now as well, like what was I thinking?

Edit 27:52

What was the reason for that? Tell me.

Becoming Visibly Muslim And Self-Acceptance

SPEAKER_01 27:54

Um, I mean, one thing was actually, you know, it's just with with the Singapore government, you get you get 16. Yeah. I know, but you I I feel that you also wanted you wanted to prove something. Yeah, I think I wanted to prove something. So one of it was also, okay, if I for me in the work that I do, because I'm a service business, if I don't work, I don't get paid. So that's one thing as well. It's like, okay, government only covers like eight weeks, so I have to get back eight weeks. And then um, the other thing was also, I, you know, part of me was like, oh, you know, I've done this before. I've had a first kid. I'm sure like with the second, it'd be fine. There is that. It's like, yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Um, but yeah, going back to it, I was miserable. I was like, there's so much guilt with, you know, leaving baby um with, you know, with my village and my in-laws and my parents, um, having to go to work and show up. And and so I wrestled with that a lot. And and it came to a point like six months in. I was like, what am I doing? Um yeah, but I felt like, you know, I I I loved like the M scene, for example, going back four months post-batoum, like being on, you know, stage again, feeling like I'm in my element. It really reminded me of why I do what I do, and it really solidified my purpose as well, um, of wanting to pave the way for my daughters. Um, and so, you know, there are glimpses of like joy, and then when I get back, it's like just sheer exhaustion. And then you wake up the next morning and you go again. Um, but yeah, that's how it what it's been like navigating. Um, but it came to a point where I realized that last year was really all about um becoming someone new within that experience.

Edit 29:34

So it means that it reshaped not only your identity itself, but also the family dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Yeah. Absolutely, 100%. And also, you know, as someone who's quite like, you know, ambitious and you know, a creative as well, um how it what it did for me was it kind of reshaped that that that belief that you know becoming has to be loud, that ambition has to be loud, that showing up has to be like loud and out there. But then for me, realizing that, hey, you know, showing up for my family, showing up for my goals, um, being present with them, like that is also a form of yeah, or of me, you know, that that a different kind of ambition where I want to be present and I want, you know, reconciling both those ambitions. And you have to do the work inside as well.

Edit 30:27

Right, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

A lot of work. It's a lot of work. Um, and it's been it was so, so, so, so uncomfortable.

Edit 30:34

Sometimes it is. Yeah. Sometimes it is. Cultural expectations can uh whisper perfect composure, as we we said. While faith goes for presence, how do you balance those tensions when ambitions pulls uh one way and family pulls another?

SPEAKER_01 30:52

I think it's it's it's a really interesting question as well. And it's something that I have been really investigating and discovering, especially in the past, you know, two years. I think for me, it's more of a choice. Like, for example, and what I mean by that is how that has looked for me, especially in terms of culture and faith and identity and all of that, is only in the past two years I started covering my hair and I started wearing the hijab. So even that has been a very confronting um journey. Because I think for me, it's it is a different identity. It's something, well, it shouldn't be. I mean, I've always been Muslim, but I've not been a visible Muslim. So I think when you cover your hair and you have a cloth over your head, like somehow there are conscious biases, yeah, unconscious biases of Muslim women. And there was, there was that that I felt like I had to navigate. And that all coincided with me being pregnant, giving birth. And when you, you know, for me, like there's no separation to being a mom again after six years and this identity shift of being visibly Muslim. And so what that looked like for me is how I show up as well and trying to reconcile, you know, being very front-facing, being out there publicly, like on stages and things like that, and how I look very differently. And to be very honest, it's still some, it's still a journey that I'm that I'm on. Um, because like if my website uh and all of that, like still have my old photos. And I think um in the past year, especially when I say it's been uncomfortable, is because I've been sitting with that. I've been, I've been trying to figure out how do I show up and what does it mean to show up as my full and most authentic self and how I needed to do that for myself and accept that for myself first before I can be out there.

Edit 32:41

And so the whole year And you do it for yourself and because of yourself, and uh it's a kind of expression of yourself while you do that, right?

Owning Truth, People-Pleasing Recovery

SPEAKER_01 32:50

Exactly. And and it's my choice as well. And it's you know, uh faith has been something that uh a value of mine that has been very close to me, you know, since for for as long as I can remember, but even more so in the past few years, and especially since became I became a mother as well. And um I think for me it's just how do I want to pave the way for my girls and what that looks like exactly. And I think I needed to be in full self-acceptance and in my truth and owning my truth. Um the the more I do that, the more no, I'm giving permission for my daughters to do that one day. Um, and so yeah, I think it hasn't been easy. I think, especially reconciling the inward and the outward, um, my own self-discovery and self-journey versus people's perspectives of me, of what I do, of what I look like. Um, and I think, you know, it's not easy. It seems like generally people are like, oh yeah, you know, it doesn't really make a difference. Um, but it but it does. It does. It does. It really does. And it's okay that it does. I mean, it shouldn't, but it's okay. I think it's okay that it does. Um, because then it's up to me, I feel, to kind of really own that and be like, this is me, this is how I am. It belongs to you. It belongs to me. And and if you don't agree for whatever reason, then that's on you. And it's okay then that essentially that's just that's on you and it's not me. Um, so yeah, it took me a while to accept that this is who I am now, this is who I want to show up in the world, um, and what I want it to look like for my daughters. How do you find uh have you find found your uh truth already?

Edit 34:30

Or you are on the way, still on the way.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

I think I I think that journey will continue evolving. Um, but I feel like right now I have. Um in essentially my truth is how I want to show up as my most authentic self. And for me, as I shared, like faith is is a big value of mine, and and I want to be unapologetically that. And it took me a while to kind of get that and own that. Um, but I feel like something unlocked and something clicked. And uh, and it really, it really is being a mom again. And then I've been sitting with that a lot. I'm like everything happens for a reason. You know, I've been, I've been waiting for for a second kid, and it coincided with with me, you know, choosing to wear the hijab, um, and then continuing to kind of reconcile all of that and and why am I placed in this moment that I am now? And it and it is for that, it is for me to accept that this is who I am and who who who I how I want to be, and and yeah, and and I'm excited to kind of um live in that and be in full alignment of that.

Edit 35:37

Uh, what's the most liberating part of owning uh a truth that's still unfolding, if there is a bit, as as you are telling me? Uh messy seasons, quiet ambition, um, or maybe all of it, and uh, how has that shifted your relationship with yourself and even more with others? If you're talking about your village, yeah, as you said.

Closing Reflections And Community Call

SPEAKER_01 36:02

Yeah, exactly. No, I think it I think when you are living in alignment with your truth, like that's just the most liberating feeling. It's you know, growing up, I've always been a people pleaser. I think most millennials are a perfectionist, and I like to say I'm a people pleaser in recovery. Even older. Yeah. I'm a people pleaser in recovery. Um, I I care, I have cared a lot about what people think of me. And and that's something that I have been struggling with, especially so on this journey of you know, how I look differently now and and all of that. But I think the more I accept that for myself, there is that great self-acceptance. And what that looks like actually is feeling at peace with this choice, feeling at peace with who I want to be and who I am. And well, will I not care completely about what people think of me? Obviously not. I don't think it would be a lie for me to say that I won't. Uh, but I think it's how I react to it that that makes the difference, how I take it in, how I um how I reconcile or how I process all of that, that would be quite different. It's that feeling where, you know, I can be me and and I I feel joy. I think feeling joy, all of it. There's joy, there's grief, there's guilt, there's, you know, all of the parts of being a mom, the parts of being human. I mean, we're living in a time where it is just a horrible time in the world. We have genocides, we have uh just whatever that's happening, you know, uh in the West. Um, and it is such a painful time. It's a painful thing to witness. And I think for me, that duality of life as well, um, acknowledging that so many different emotions can coexist, um, and recognizing and acknowledging why we're here in this world and the role that we play in this world. I mean, for me, I feel that my role is, you know, to allow others, especially other women, to be themselves fully, you know, and be in alignment with their truths. I think the most liberating thing is because I feel the most aligned with my purpose.

Edit 38:14

Sara, thank you so much for uh the inspiring conversation. And uh I really liked your passion about Crazy Cat, the Nusantara, and everything you do, and it's very authentic.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

Thank you so much. It's been such a wonderful time talking to you, Edit. Thank you for having me. Thanks for coming.

Edit 38:32

Sarah just illuminated cyclical ambition, tender, unfolding, and fiercely authentic Amit, identities, quiet revolutions, and cultural crossroads. Sarah is modeling vulnerability as intentional bridge-building, cultural truth, reshaping how we show up, and owning messy contradictions as the route of real connection. The Juggleverse Circle, claim your next honest pose, which inner conflict deserves your intentional story today. Which cultural pull gets reframe tomorrow? Tag us on Instagram at the Juggleverse with your recalibration moment, subscribe to fuel or top 25% rise together, share this with one woman, healing in silence, and carry Sarah's wisdom into your week. Keep juggling, keep shining, keep owning your unfolding truth. Until next time.