Home and Marriage

Making Love

• Lennon and Christal Noland • Season 1 • Episode 2

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Deep Dive into Physical Intimacy in Marriage


In this episode of the Home and Marriage Podcast, hosts Lennon and Christal Noland discuss the crucial role of physical intimacy in marriage. They address the challenges and importance of maintaining a healthy sex life within a marital relationship. The discussion includes insights from their course, 'Six Habits of Happy Couples,' emphasizing the significance of talking openly about sex, engaging in foreplay throughout the day, and continually dating each other to keep the romance alive. They also touch on the common obstacles such as busy schedules, emotional wounds from conflicts, and the impact of resentment. The episode offers practical advice on how couples can improve their physical connection and underscores that a healthy sex life is essential for a strong and thriving marriage.

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Lennon:

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast where we help couples become better at home and stronger Together we are Lennon and Christal Noland. We're husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home. And yours, today's episode is brought to you by our course, six Habits of Happy Couples available@homeandmarriage.com. Hey friends, welcome back and thanks for listening today. I'm, uh, linen and I'm here with my friend, my lover, my baby's mother, my co-host, Christal. How are you?

Christal:

I'm good. You have that rhyme down so well. I need one for you now. I need to have a

Lennon:

will I see what up

Christal:

my. I don't know. I gotta figure it out. You gotta give time. I can't do that on the spot, but I will.

Lennon:

Okay. Okay. I, I'd love to hear you freestyle that though. I'm sure everyone listening is like, no, keep going. Yeah, keep going. I'd love to hear that. Well, hey, today, um, episode two, as, as we mentioned in the intro, we're gonna jump into the deep end and we're gonna have a conversation about physical intimacy, intimacy sex. Really specifically, we're gonna unpack one of the habits from our course, right? Make a habit of. Making love. This is not something we talk about much in the church world.

Christal:

It's, yeah. I, and when we have done this at church, we have talked about this subject at churches. We really frequently get, feedback from couples saying, I'm, I'm really, really to, or glad to hear this, talked about the church because we need to know what it's like to have a healthy sex life to, yeah. How can we grow in this area, you know, be encouraged in this area because it is a gift. The Lord gave married couples. Yeah. And so, and it's a huge thing that you see throughout the Bible. Mm-hmm. Whether it's handled rightly or wrong, you know? Right. Like it's, it's a big subject and so we do need to talk about it.

Lennon:

I think so. And like you said, it's whether it's handled rightly or wrongly, I think that because, uh, one, there are so many biblical warnings about what to avoid sexually and because as, as ministers and as people. We've all seen others or had the experience ourselves of sin in this area, taking our life really off the rails and bringing destruction, right? That a lot of times our conversations about this stuff can be all warning and no. Yes. Encouragement,

Christal:

yes. How many, how many of us have had conversations with our parents? If our parents talk to us about this? That actually talked about the good things, right, about sex and marriage. Right. It, it is usually the warnings and we don't get to really understand the purpose and the reason for it In marriage.

Lennon:

And that's a shame because in marriage, the sexual relationship is a, it's a huge gift. Yeah. Is that's what it's, that's what it's meant to be. Mm-hmm. And so, um, but there's more to it than just like moments of can't wait to rip our clothes off. Sexual madness. Right. Uh, we're complicated creatures and sex is more complicated and better than that.

Christal:

Right. That is so true. All right, well, what if we start talking about, just a little bit about what we talk about in our course? Yeah. We're just giving them a glimpse of what we talk about with, the habit of making love. And so one of the things we do say is what comes easy in some seasons is more difficult in others, even sex.

Lennon:

Yeah. And that's surprising, because whenever you begin having sex, um, you have sex and you want more sex. And because of that, it's hard to think that there will ever be a time where, uh, one, maybe you'll be having less sex than you are right now, or two, even harder to imagine that. Wow, this, this part of life can really go dormant or become kind of emotionally fragile. Right. And there are lots of things that can make it really challenging. And you know, we talked to parents too, of course. And you have a lot of Ninos in the house, or even just one, you can be so busy. Yeah. Exhausted and distracted with them that you don't have a lot of time to focus on one another.

Christal:

Another thing could be maybe our jobs or careers.

Lennon:

Like, we

Christal:

all have those busy seasons where we're trying to maybe, you know, do really well in the company. Uh, so it requires a busy season. We know as ministers we've had beginnings in like a new ministry or starting a ministry. What's the

Lennon:

busy time of each year? That always comes Exactly. In any profession.

Christal:

Exactly. So sometimes you have busy seasons or busy, times in your job. It just really can create. A situation at home where maybe you're passing like ships in the night, you don't see each other like you did, and you're just, you're just worn out, you know? Yeah.

Lennon:

Yeah. Another area that can really complicate, uh, physical intimacy is how we handle conflict. Yes. If you're really, if you're bad at fighting and if you tend to say things that are wounding, uh, don't be surprised if. Somebody if nobody wants to get naked with you. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Like if, if I, if I attack you in an argument and say things that are wounding and hurting, you are not gonna want to be physically intimate with me. Right. Uh, that's such a vulnerable position to be in. Mm-hmm. And who wants to feel like they're vulnerable to somebody who calls you a name? Yeah. Or who, who just really tore you down that can really wound the physical intimacy in a marriage.

Christal:

Yeah, it sure can. And I think there's really a long list of things that can get in between our, our sex life of what it we want it to be and what it is. Okay. And another point that we talk about is early in marriage, sexual attraction magnifies. Emotional connection, and then later in marriage, it's the emotional connection that will magnify sexual attraction.

Lennon:

Right. Yeah, that's, that's kind of an interesting dynamic in how we, how we grow over time. It's not entirely black and white, but if you think about it. When we first begin enjoying our sexual relationship, it brings the sense of oneness like nothing else does, right? Uh, we're becoming so physically close that we, we grow an emotional bond just so strong, which is why sex is so powerful, right? And why the Bible says, Hey, this is for marriage and never outside of it. But as we grow, like in marriage, year four, year 14, mm-hmm. Year 40, whatever we come to find out that. How we're doing together emotionally has really big repercussions on how excited we are about connecting physically.

Christal:

Right. So what, when you say emotionally, what, what do you mean by that? Like what? Give, give us some examples.

Lennon:

So, so that if you and I are in an argument, right, and we're having a big fight mm-hmm. And I say something to you that just really, that just really stinks. Mm-hmm. Or really wounds you. Yeah. And then later on I'm like, Hey, you know, it's Friday and Friday's when we go to Funky Town, you know, or whatever you wanna call it. Um, you're not gonna, you're not gonna feel like being physically intimate with me if I've wounded you emotionally.

Christal:

Yeah, yeah. Wounds. And that's really the thing, right.

Lennon:

So on the other hand, if I am connecting with you on an emotional level mm-hmm. If the way that we handle conflict is healthy Then that's gonna also incline us toward one another physically. Yeah. Because intimacy is more than just physical. It's, it's it head and it's heart. And it's body.

Christal:

That's right. Speaking for women, I feel like one of the greatest gifts a husband can give. If their wife is to be emotionally available. Mm-hmm. And to be open and to share, you know, parts of him that maybe are not easy, but for women, that really helps them feel like they're connected to their husband and they're emotionally available. They're there, they're sharing, and that causes intimacy. And, and definitely can be improve your sex life, I think.

Lennon:

Yeah, definitely. And it's kind of, it's kind of bro science wisdom that men can just, we've, we've all heard, you know, men are microwaves, women are crockpots and mm-hmm. And I do think that's generally true. but even men are affected sexually by the sense of emotional connection they have. Yeah. That if, if they feel like they're being disparaged or put down or disrespected Oh, yeah. Uh, they're not gonna want to be physically intimate either. Right. So all these things can, can cause us to push apart sexually. But one of the important thoughts is that if you're in your marriage, you're not sexually connected right now, it's an urgent situation, even if it feels like an afterthought. Mm. Like you may be at a place where you're like, Hey, we've had our time. I don't even want to be with them that way. And I'm not worried about it. Right. But it is a red flag whether you feel worried about it or not.

Christal:

Yeah. You know, sometimes the lack of your sexual connection can be from other symptoms of other things. Yeah. Like, it's like, just thinking of some examples, maybe it's, they're not helping you around the house, for maybe mm-hmm. Whoever's the, the one that stays at home most of the time and has the kids to deal with, but then the spouse gets home and doesn't help or be a part of that situation. They can feel very resentful. and then when you have that resentment buildup. You know, you don't wanna be intimate. Yeah. And so sometimes that lack of sex is really just a signal that there's other things

Lennon:

Right.

Christal:

Going on. Right. And it can be a variety of things.

Lennon:

Yeah. And whenever those other things are going on, if it's resentment or something like that, that really is where, I mean, the Apostle Paul talks about in one Corinthians seven where he says not to deprive each other except. By mutual consent and for a time. and he gives the example, like if you're devoting yourselves to prayer, you're fasting or something. Yeah. And he says, but then come together again so that Satan won't tempt you because of your lack of self-control. And so I think the idea is that whether it's through resentment or really anything other than some spirit led reason mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. To not be connecting intimately. And again, we've joked a lot about, we've yet to meet the couple over the years. Who's doing that? Yeah. I'm not saying it's not valid or Paul wouldn't have brought it up as an option. I've just never met that couple. Right. It's like we just hadn't had sex in a really long time. 'cause we've been praying so much for the advancement of the gospel and stuff. Yeah. I just don't, I just don't really see that. So we don't want Satan to get a foothold. Right. The thing is, whenever we're not connecting with one another in a sexually healthy way, yeah. That desire can pop up somewhere that it shouldn't. Right. That's so true. Like pornography. An affair at work, or even just an emotional flirtation that will lead to other things.

Christal:

Right? Right. So

Lennon:

sexual relationship is important, even if it feels like an afterthought.

Christal:

Right? So we also talk about how we say it like this, which I think is fun, three ways to make magic happen. Yeah. So we give them three ways. Maybe we can get through those three ways the first one is don't just have sex. Talk about sex. So talking about sex can feel really awkward, right? Mm-hmm. I mean, even if you've been married like almost 20 years, like it can, if you're not used to that or you haven't done that a long time, it can feel very awkward to get that conversation started, right?

Lennon:

It's really, yeah, it can, and I don't know why. I mean, if, you know, if you're a wife listening to this. Whenever you are around your husband, next I want you to put your hands on the side of his face and say, honey, look me in the eyes. And then I just want you to say this one word. Just say boobies and he is gonna start laughing and turn red, or at least he is gonna smile big. For some reason, we really can feel awkward whenever it comes. We turn, we turn into like 11-year-old boys again. Right,

Christal:

right, right.

Lennon:

But we've gotta be able to grow up and talk about this because there's no other area of our life that we would assume is healthy if it's off limits to even talk about. Yeah. Yeah. And so what do you think, honey, are some of the, the healthy ways we can talk about sex? Like whenever we are coaching couples on this, what kind of things are we encouraging them to communicate about?

Christal:

I think just to check in, like to even just ask the question, how do you feel about our sex life? What would you, what do you like? Maybe start with a positive.

Lennon:

Mm-hmm.

Christal:

Um, like, what do you like about our sex life? What, what turns you on? You know, those kind of questions or, what do you wish we would do more of or differently like? Yeah. Is there anything that you wish and would like? Just being able to give a voice to each other. Mm-hmm. To be able to check in and say, is there anything with our sex life that you would like differently or that you really do love that I could do more of?

Lennon:

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Those are helpful questions that lead to helpful answers and not just kind of resentful. Yeah. Resentful things. Mm-hmm. Yeah. How are you feeling about our sexual connection? Even a great conversation is, you know, what is one of your favorite sexual times we've ever had together? And what'll probably happen is that you'll tell the story of some overnight, or remember whenever we took kids to the grandparents and we came back home, or just whatever. Yeah. But being able to talk about it in a addressing difficult things or celebrating joyful things is really healthy. So. Being able to talk about sex is incredibly important. Mm-hmm. And the other thing is realizing that foreplay doesn't start just whenever you lock the door and mm-hmm. And lay down in bed. Right. We really encourage people to engage in foreplay throughout the day.

Christal:

Yeah. I've Seen some hilarious reels, Shows what a husband must do, if they really wanna have sex that night. and it's usually them doing all of the chores around the house. I'm gonna do the dishes, I'm gonna vacuum and I'm gonna straighten up. Yeah. You know, it's all the things that would turn on a woman and making things easy and showing her how he loves her in that way. So, I mean, I think that's hilarious and somewhat true also, but it isn't just about, that moment all of a sudden.

Lennon:

Right, right. Yeah. It's, it's About freeing up your minds and time as well. Mm-hmm. Like one of the things that has happened to some people, never to us, but might be that you are about to, you're about to get it on. All sorts of things are going through your mind. Okay. I think usually probably the woman's mind. Uh, is the door locked? Are the kids sleeping? Right? Did you talk to your boss about the thing that you said you would talk about? And so that doesn't sound like, uh, something to consider when it comes to foreplay. And yet it, it is something that can get us into a good space whenever it's finally time. Where we can, where we can be together is to make sure that we have the opportunity to engage emotionally because we've taken care of some practical things. Those are surprisingly, surprisingly sexy.

Christal:

Also we've talked about some ways to connect if you're, you know, you're probably not at home together all day, so you're probably away from each other and maybe sending some texts, maybe romantic sweet texts, but also some more intimate texts to one another.

Lennon:

Mm-hmm. To just

Christal:

connect. Mm-hmm. And tell each other how you're thinking about each other. And you wanna. You wanna make a plan for tonight? You know, it's not just an afterthought, but it's something you've been thinking about day.

Lennon:

Yeah, definitely. So, so foreplay is a big deal and it's, foreplay is so much more than light touch right before you go to heavy touch. It's all of these things. But then one of the things that just keeps us romantically inclined to each other. Yeah. For a strong sexual connection. Is just the level of, of romance that we have on a normal basis dating each other. Like those kind of things are huge. Yes. Date nights frequently lead to sex.

Christal:

That's so true. I mean, date nights is it's all about putting aside everything else, focusing on one another and you're relationship your marriage, how you love one another. I, I think that's one of the keys to really a great sex life because it does create space there to where you're not only thinking about the kids or your job, and I know for us, we really do make it a point to not talk about work, right? Or even the kids, you know, like as much as we love our kids and sometimes we wanna talk about 'em, like it's good to just get to think about other things. It's, and, and even ask each other questions that. We wouldn't be asking normally, like, yeah, more about you. Or What are you reading? Or what do you, what do you think about this or that? Like, a wonderful time to get to invest more in your marriage.

Lennon:

Yeah. So friends, those are, those are a few solid categories of, of tips to help you make magic happen. Uh, don't just, don't just have sex. Talk about sex, uh, engage in foreplay throughout the day and just continue to, to date your spouse. Here's the deal. There is no substitute for a good sex life, and it's gonna take work for it to stay healthy and strong over the long haul, but it is always worth the effort.

Christal:

It's always.

Lennon:

So honey, will you wanna leave them with any final thoughts?

Christal:

Yeah, you can, uh, like and subscribe to this podcast and, be listening because we're gonna have some more episodes coming out soon. You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and you can also check out our website@homeandmarriage.com for more information. And so we just wanna thank you for listening in today and we will be back soon.

Lennon:

Well, Friends, thanks again for listening today. We really do believe that your home can be your favorite place and that however good things are today, you can be even better at home and stronger together. Thanks for being with us today.

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Christal Noland

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Lennon Noland

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