Home and Marriage

Parenting Pressures-You're Not A Bad Parent If...

• Christalnoland

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You're Not A Bad Parent if...


In this episode of the Home and Marriage Podcast, Lennon and Christal Noland discuss various parenting pressures and share the reassuring message that 'you're not a bad parent if...' They explore the anxiety around not buying kids the latest gadgets, not involving them in every activity, and how making the honor roll does not define their children's future. Additionally, they delve into the complexities of dealing with children's sins and suffering, emphasizing the importance of grace, forgiveness, and God’s direction. They conclude by highlighting the pitfalls of comparing one’s family life to Instagram-perfect images and the importance of focusing on what truly matters for families. Throughout the discussion, they provide practical insights to help parents let go of undue pressures and focus on raising their children with love, grace, and godly guidance. Follow them on social media and visit homeandmarriage.com for more resources and information on their marriage retreats and conferences.

00:00 Welcome to the Home and Marriage Podcast
00:55 Date Night Plans and Parenting Pressures
02:17 You're Not a Bad Parent If...
04:54 The Pressure of Buying and Activities
13:39 Academic Expectations and Realities
16:50 Dealing with Sin and Suffering
23:11 The Instagram Illusion
26:57 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

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Lennon:

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast with Lennon and Christal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger together. We're husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home and for yours. Hello Friends. Welcome back to the show. We're so glad that you're here with us, whatever you're doing, whether you're washing dishes on a commute, wherever you are. We're glad that you have us with you. My name is Lennon. I'm here with Christal, my woman, my lover, my baby's mother.

Christal:

I have one for you today. Do you wanna hear it?

Lennon:

Everybody's waiting. Let's see.

Christal:

Okay. I'm here with Lennon, my love, my best friend, my sexy man.

Lennon:

I'll take that. I'll take that.

Christal:

I'm not the best rhymer, but you know what? I came up with. That's all by myself. You did great.

Lennon:

You're turning so red right now. I wish everybody could see you, but I love it. Hey, you know why I love today and what I'm excited about,

Christal:

what

Lennon:

we are recording here and it's early afternoon, but tonight is date night.

Christal:

It is date night.

Lennon:

Yeah. It's

Christal:

what's getting me through my day and we

Lennon:

have no idea what we're gonna do yet. We are, we're kind of debating do we have the energy to leave the house and go somewhere? Do we wanna do kind of our latest thing? Yeah. Which is if we are too tired, we get all these finest meats and cheeses.

Christal:

Mm-hmm.

Lennon:

Set up a charcuterie board watch a movie. Something like that.

Christal:

Yeah. It all depends on, on how we feel. Close to the time for date night, it's, it's'cause it, who knows the day could be crazy and we may be worn out and want to just stay home and watch a movie or we may feel a little adventurous and go out on the town and eat some tacos or something.

Lennon:

Adventurous is a possibility because today's Friday and um, one of our kids is a four day school week. One of'em actually came home early sick today, which is sad. But what that means is this, this afternoon we're not running around picking people up, which is usually one of the things that gets us tired after a long work day.

Christal:

That's true. And, and I will say the sick one doesn't need to stay home.

Lennon:

Sorry. She doesn't.

Christal:

That's something a mom has to say, has to, you know, make sure that's true. People know

Lennon:

that's true. She's

Christal:

not so bad to where I have to stay home and watch her

Lennon:

super self-sufficient. 17 years old. She's just fine. She's okay. Okay, so this is episode four. What do we want to tackle today?

Christal:

So today we're gonna talk about parenting pressures and we're using this phrase, you're not a bad parent. If, and we have a few different topics that we're gonna try to tackle to help parents be encouraged that, we're not gonna get everything right.

Lennon:

Right,

Christal:

but also, We're not doing as bad of a job as we think we are

Lennon:

yeah. I think especially if you're listening to a podcast called Home and Marriage, uh, that at least shows that your heart is in the right place that you're leaned into trying to be better. And to be honest, I haven't talked to a whole lot of parents that feel most of the time, like they're just nailing it. Parenting is tough sometimes, and there's no shortage of pressure on us to get it right. And it comes from a million different areas.

Christal:

Yeah, it does. I mean, I feel like, We have these outside voices We see it online, you know, we see beautiful. Pictures. We see how parents should be. Articles we read, and we also have our own expectations of ourself. I mean, some of us can be so hard on ourselves and what we expect out of ourselves as a parent, and so there's pressures from all over. Don't you think?

Lennon:

Yeah, it'd be really interesting, I think for any parent listening to talk to their parents if they're still fortunate enough to have them around and just say kinda, what types of pressures did you feel? I certainly won't think that our parents didn't feel any pressure, but I know that they felt different types. We have a bunch of very odd pressures, some of which we're gonna talk about today.

Christal:

Yeah, I was having a conversation with my mom when our kids were younger and she was telling me, Christal, I don't know. I don't know what I would've done if I had a parent in the day that you're parenting. We did not face the kind of pressures in the eighties and nineties that you guys are facing, like especially with how things need to look or be, and kind of the picture we put out there for people to see.

Lennon:

Yeah, so something to keep in mind is that parenting in general, here's kind of an overarching idea of this thing. Parenting in general, it's more of an issue of compass than a GPS. Families are different situations you're facing or different. What your kids deal with can be different, and there is no one turn by turn. Set of directions that's gonna get everybody to a perfect point. But there is north, south, east, and west especially, you know, whenever you're seeking to live for the Lord. Uh, he hasn't given us an exhaustive resource for everything we face as parenting, but he's given us a good direction and that's really seek first the kingdom of God above all else. And so that being said, let's hit on some of these pressures that parents feel.

Christal:

Okay, so our first one is, you're not a bad parent if you don't buy your kids what everyone else has, right? That's a big one. So I, I really think the fear behind this one could really be, I don't want my kids to feel left out, or I don't want them to feel like I don't love them. If I don't give them what they're wanting or maybe what other people are having, I don't wanna seem less than as a parent, and I don't want them to not feel loved.

Lennon:

Yeah, that's a big one. On the one feeling left out, I can remember, I have this memory that is really tempting to make me as a dad worry about this kind of stuff more than I should, and specifically it's being in. History class in the ninth grade. I had just moved to a new school in the middle of the year, and I was looking down at my shoes, which were Converse, which Converse were not. Necessarily uncool. They had a few commercials on tv, but they were tier three or four. Oh yeah. Shoes in the echelon of ninth graders and all the shallow stuff that's important to them.

Christal:

What were, what were the ones that you could pump up? You know, you could like squeeze the tongue and you could pump up your shoe. That was like the top one. Do you remember what that one is?

Lennon:

Those were Reeboks Re re, Reebok were a big deal at the time. Now

Christal:

Reebok is at Walmart.

Lennon:

No. Yeah, exactly. Now Reebok is at Walmart, but I remember looking down, up and down the row.

Christal:

Yeah.

Lennon:

And everybody I remember was wearing Nikes or they were wearing Reebok. And I remember feeling a little. Out of place or a little self-conscious about it. And so I think sometimes some of our own experiences as kids, whether they're reasonable or not, I felt that way, but it doesn't mean I needed to or that it was wise. Those kind of things can play into this type of fear too.

Christal:

There's more behind this than just the fear. There's also the practical issues. The realistic issues, which would be, first of all, you don't have the money to spend on that toy or that iPad. Right?

Lennon:

Budget's a real issue.

Christal:

It's a real thing,

Lennon:

and it's not a moral issue.

Christal:

It's not, you haven't failed your

Lennon:

kids if you can't, if you can't get them an iPad. Hmm. Sometimes it just doesn't fit into the budget. It's not worth going into debt for, it's not worth beating yourself up for. Sometimes it's just a money issue, but then other times not buying your kids something else that everyone else has. It's not a money issue. It might be an issue of conviction. And if, if you have a conviction that I could get my kids this thing, but I don't feel like it's good for them right now, or I don't want them to have this type of thing in the household yet, whether that's getting them a phone when all their friends are getting a phone or getting a gaming system or something like that. An issue of conviction. Only you can decide, uh, what is appropriate for your kids to have at a certain time. And you don't need to feel the pressure to play the same ball game that everybody else is playing because not everybody else is raising your kids. Only you are.

Christal:

That's right. And so what we really want more than just stuff, cause stuff just collects and it breaks and, and it'll satisfy them for a moment, right? It ends up losing its charm after a while, so really what we want. We want to have a home that's joyful, that's stable that's worth more than any kind of toy or gadget we could ever buy.

Lennon:

Yeah. The atmosphere of the home that we're in is so much more important than I, I guess we're saying the accessories.

Christal:

That's right.

Lennon:

Because we're not talking about things we really need. We're talking about things that would be nice. Mm-hmm. And, um. Some things would be nice, but they're not needed. But if your home is one of peace, if you're spending time together, if you're doing that kind of thing, you're providing them what they need much more than anything that you could buy for them.

Christal:

And so we don't, we don't wanna raise spoil kids. We want a home where, where they don't expect to get whatever they want.

Lennon:

Yes. One of the things that we can do to help our kids, specifically to be thankful for what they do have and also get their heads around what real need is, is to serve the poor, to be around people who are still trying. Just so hard to take care of true needs. Not once, but real needs enough food in the refrigerator, things like that. We have found, and we've seen this over the years, that specifically serving with our church at our monthly food distribution, uh, like we've done before, it was something that is really good for. Our kids.

Christal:

Yeah. It was, I remember even watching them in action and we get up early and we have to go and, and they're maybe not awake and we do have teenagers but they get there and then they start bagging the groceries and they start bringing out the supplies and then they start giving them out. And I love watching them and seeing. They were joyful in the middle of that serving too, and they were having a good time. And then we'd have some great conversations afterwards too about the day and what happened.

Lennon:

Yeah, so don't try to buy your kids happiness, right? Don't, don't try to fill, fill those needs with, with things that you can purchase. You are not a bad parent if you can't buy your kids the latest and greatest. The next thing is you're also not a bad parent if you can't involve your kids in every activity.

Christal:

Mm-hmm. That's true. One of the fears behind this would be, I'm afraid that if. Don't involve them in every activity. They won't be, you know, well-rounded adults. They won't grow up with all the skills they would need to have. What do you think, what, what do you think is another fear behind that?

Lennon:

I, I think it's just also that they're gonna miss out on something. They could be. If I was only smart enough to take them to this place. Yeah. Or to get them into this program or to have them, you know, knowing Mandarin, Spanish, and French Right. By the time that they're seven. Yeah. Like we don't want our kids to miss out on opportunities and so we can feel like we need to run them everywhere, pay any cost to get them involved with anything.

Christal:

Yeah. I would really encourage parents. To know that first of all, God has gifts and callings on each of us, our and our kids. And so if that's true, which it is even if we don't get every lesson for them or, or maybe a certain sport at a certain age, and we don't get'em involved when they're four instead when they're seven or eight, right? If we as parents are not able to do that. That does not take away from the calling that God has on our kids and the gifts that he's put in them. I know for me, like I ended up doing, music and I ended up singing and all that stuff. My, my family was never a musical family, but me and one of my brothers both got involved in singing and playing so. What I find really encouraging about that is it wasn't really because my parents did all these things for me, then I got the opportunity to be, a worship leader, right? So that was something that God, called in my life, and I think that's the same for our kids, that we can take comfort knowing that God really has callings and gifts and we don't have to. Spend tons of money and put'em in all the activities to make sure that they don't miss their calling.

Lennon:

No, that's a wonderful point. Because it is a reminder that God is involved with the direction of our kids' lives. Mm-hmm. He knew all of their days. Scripture says before one of them came to be. The Bible also says that he's prepared good works in advance for us to do that. We can walk in them. So it's just a reminder that he is in this and he is with our kids. He is. And that we aren't the architects of their lives. We can provide what opportunities that we can, but in the end, we've gotta trust God that exactly what you're saying. He has a plan for them. If we're doing our best to help them love the Lord and live godly lives, God is gonna make sure they get where they need to go.

Christal:

Right. You know, there's a lot of benefits about dinner around the table and your, the health of your kids and the health of your family. Like, there's a lot that that impacts. If, if you can have a few nights a week around the table, dinner together, there's a lot of beautiful things that come out of that.

Lennon:

There is, and that's something Friends, if you're listening, that's something worth. Google seeing the outcomes in kids' lives that really change, not from being involved in a million activities, but from eating dinner with their family on a regular basis. Yeah. So don't feel like you've gotta run all over the place. And don't feel like you're a bad parent if you can involve your kids in every activity.

Christal:

And our third one is, you're not a bad parent if your kids don't make the honor roll. What do you think about that one?

Lennon:

I think this one's gonna be hard for some people to accept.

Christal:

I think it is too.

Lennon:

Yeah. Um, I, I realize that different families place different levels of emphasis on academics. The big thing is that we, we need to not take our kids' performance in school as a personal assault, on our own competence.

Christal:

Yeah. Do you think that's what, what parents are afraid of? What's the fear behind this? What are parents mostly worried about if they're. If their kid's not making Straight A's are they feeling like as a parent, maybe they're failing?

Lennon:

I, I do think that can be one. As a parent, I'm failing. My kid is, he's behind, he's not doing well. What have, what have I done? And then I think another fear is if they don't do good in school, they're not gonna get into a good college. They don't get into a good college. They won't have a good career. If they don't have a great career, they're gonna be off the rails and it's all gonna be my fault because they're not in the honor roll.

Christal:

And How many of us actually even ended up using the degree that we got in college

Lennon:

change? Oh, don't ask that question.

Christal:

Yeah, we change our minds. We change our where we're gonna go, and so we really can't put too much pressure on the perfect grades. There's so many people who didn't make. An a average and they were still super successful in their lives. So it's more about, I think, character and the type of person they're becoming and you know, are they, are they giving up on everything or are they working hard to complete a goal? Are they doing their best? Too.

Lennon:

Yeah. That's the big deal. I I, and that's, honestly, I feel like that's what we are more in control of as parents whenever it comes to our children's academics and, and control might be stretching it, but we do need to emphasize, hey, we need to be helping them. Early on, Hey, this is how you study. Are you ready to go for this test tomorrow? And as they get older and academics are more and more in their hands, we're wanting to see them become people that do what they're supposed to do when it's time to do it. They may or may not have the gifts to be an academic rock star, right? And to make the grades that we maybe have dreamed for them to make. But I cannot be totally honest. The only people. That have ever asked me about my GPA in high school and college have been our kids.

Christal:

Yeah. And it's

Lennon:

because they have a tendency to put all the pressure they could possibly need on themselves without me putting it on them.

Christal:

Yeah. I had a good conversation with a friend their daughter was, in school and she was trying to encourage her Like, remember you're getting a degree. No one's gonna ask you when you have that degree on your wall from college. No one's gonna say, what was your GPA when you graduated? They're not gonna care. They're just gonna care if you're a doctor. If you're a doctor, you actually graduated and you got your degree and you know what you're doing. The GP is never on our diploma, right? Mm-hmm. Okay, so let's go to number four. You're not a bad parent if your kids sin or suffer. Those are two big things

Lennon:

and we went back and forth as to whether or not to even include this right here. Not because it's not important, but because it's hard to do it justice. It is, uh, in, in a podcast. This stuff should be the subject matter of an entire. Parenting seminar or maybe a Sunday sermon or something like that. But, and they're, and they're really different things to sin and to suffer or are different categories. But the overall fear is that if we were good enough parents, then our kids wouldn't go off the rails and sin. Or if we were good enough parents, we'd be able to keep our kids from hurting.

Christal:

Right. And I love what you always say about Adam and Eve had the perfect father. And yet they sinned. So it's not about our performance as a parent or if our kids will ever make a mistake. And so the fear to me is this, is this my fault that they're, first of all, if it's sin, is this my fault that. Maybe I didn't teach certain lessons well enough, or maybe I wasn't hard enough on them, or maybe I was too hard on them and they did this thing, and then in the suffering, I think it's the same. Is this my fault? Could I have prevented this situation? It's really crazy where our minds can go, especially when a kid, if it, our kid is diagnosed with something. My, this is a mom thing maybe, but my thoughts go back to the womb, you get in these crazy thoughts of how could I have messed this kid up? What did I do for this to happen?

Lennon:

Yeah. It's true. Yeah. This is heavy. Even talking about it. It is. But with with the sin part, you're exactly right. Adam and Eve had an unfiltered relationship with God, and it wasn't God's fault that they chose to sin. Judas had Jesus, he heard Jesus talk about being aware of greed and the love of money, and yet Judas is stealing from the treasury, the money bag that Jesus and his disciples are are using, right? We cannot be good enough parents that our kids will not know what it's like to live with. The flesh.

Christal:

Yeah.

Lennon:

And go through temptations, it's gonna happen.

Christal:

And really they start off that way. They're not born perfect. And so we, whenever they sin or they do something that's shocks us or surprise us, think at the younger years, you know, they throw a fit in the middle of Walmart. I mean, it, it can surprise us. Like, where did this come from? But, they're humans. And so they're not born perfect. They're gonna sin, they're gonna mess up, they're gonna make mistakes. It's g it's just gonna happen.

Lennon:

So here's what we have to know with sin and with suffering. Again, too big topics, but your kids are gonna need the grace of God and the sustaining power of God every bit as much as you do. And so our opportunity, whenever our kids' sin, is to show them what forgiveness looks like, and our opportunity when our kids are suffering is also to say again, the Lord's mercies are new every morning. God is already there. He's with you in it. So the big lesson here is just to, to look in the mirror and to be able to be honest with yourself and, and receive this, that your kids are going to need both the forgiveness and the grace of God every bit as much as you do. And it's about preparing them for the world that they're gonna live in, uh, more than shielding them from it when they sin small and big. Can you model the mercy and grace of God and whenever they suffer, can you. Weep with them while they're weeping and just let them know that. God knows what it's like to suffer. Jesus has gone through all of this and he loves you and he's present with it, but whenever your kids sin or whenever they suffer, it does not automatically mean you are a bad parent.

Christal:

Right, that's true. We know that our kids are gonna go through this world and at some point they're gonna suffer with something. And like you're saying, I think really just being able to point them to Jesus each time to remind them We have a comforter, we have a healer, we have a savior, we have someone who, who understands our troubles. So if we can point them to Jesus, then I feel like. When they're out of our house. They will know where to go to.

Lennon:

Yeah, and one more thing with you mom and dad, that's that's true for you as well. When your kids are suffering or when your kids sin mm-hmm. You also can go to the Lord for his comfort. Here's one of the things I used to tell myself that was actually a lie. I remember when one of our kids was going through an intense season of suffering, and I would be feeling really bad myself. I would feel hurt, like I, I would be really hurting. Yeah. I remember trying to strengthen myself by saying, okay, they are the ones who are really suffering here and kind of buck up and, lean into my responsibility as a dad. Now, I did have responsibilities as a dad, but I think that I wasn't giving myself. Permission to need the Lord's help too. The truth is, I was suffering because exactly what you're saying mm-hmm. Is the case for almost every parent. If I could take this on myself, I would. I would trade it. Mm-hmm. Multiply at times 12. If I could only keep you from doing it or from going through it. That's its own form of suffering. It's, we need the grace of God too.

Christal:

Yeah. And we have a savior who did that for us, who took everything on himself and died for us and we couldn't remember that. Like you're saying, that's available for us as parents and we need that. We need to go to him when our kid's going through something, maybe if it is suffering, or maybe they're making some bad decisions. As a parent, we really need to lean into the Lord and trust him to be our help and to remember that he is with us and he is gonna help us through that time. So parents, you're not a bad parent if that's what's happening with you right now, if they're making some bad decisions. If their character has some flaws like we all do, or if they're suffering and they're going through a hard situation that you can't fix. You're not a bad parent, but you have an amazing God who can help. With any situation, and he has all the answers, he has all the healing that we need. All right, so let's move on to our last one.

Lennon:

The last one is, is simply this, uh, you're not a bad parent if your life doesn't look like Instagram.

Christal:

What? You, are you saying that I shouldn't have a Instagram Perfect family?

Lennon:

Well, I'm saying you don't have an Instagram perfect family,

Christal:

but I can make it look that way. Right?

Lennon:

Yeah. And that's the key, right? It's it's look that way. Yeah. Why do you think, why do you think this is a, a pressure that we feel like, what is the fear that we have if our lives don't measure up to what's in our feed?

Christal:

Well, I think the first thing that comes to my mind is if we don't look like everything's great, people will find us out for who we really are. Maybe people will, it's kind, it's really vain, you know? And I think if there's a fear behind it, I think we're not measuring up or comparing to one another well, it really is. A messed up way of thinking, but it is so human and all of us deal with it in some way, you know?

Lennon:

Yeah. I think that this is one of those fears that is hardest to articulate because we know how stupid it is. Yeah. We're like, I, I shouldn't be comparing my life to someone else. So because it's never articulated, sometimes what it is, is it's just this unspoken weight that we feel and this suspicion that everybody else is doing it better than us. Mm-hmm. Everybody else is a better parent. Their kids are happier, all of that kind of stuff. So it may not be something we can articulate, but it's there.

Christal:

Yeah, this Started back before Instagram was even a thing for me. I remember just like in the time our kids were little, the big thing to make everything look beautiful was Pinterest.

Lennon:

Pinterest and

Christal:

Pinterest is still around and doing well from what I know. But, you really wanted to have things, what they call Pinterest worthy. And so I remember going to some kids' birthday parties that were just amazing, like they looked like a Pinterest worthy party. And I remember feeling like. I don't even know if I could do this, even if I tried. You know, this is not my gifting to make amazing birthday parties. And some people it is, and they're really good at it and they love it. So there's no, no shame in that at all. But I just felt the pressure. Our day when our kids were little that every birthday party had to be so beautiful. And if it wasn't beautiful, like it may not be worth having or something like, something ridiculous like that. You know? I did end up doing a couple parties that I worked so hard on for the kids, and it was, it turned out pretty good. But you know, I also did some just kind of like throw it together parties and really they had just as much fun. Yeah. I don't remember them ever complaining that it didn't look as good as the last one.

Lennon:

It's such a, it is such a trap. To get into and it pulls us out of the moment. Yeah. With, with whatever we're doing, it can really just pull us out of the moment if we are wondering how what we're doing is gonna compare to someone else, or, my goodness, going back to the feed later to see what people have said about the amazing thing that we've. That we've shown. Yeah. And so the reality is whenever we post something, we're posting our very best. Whenever we see somebody else's post, we're post. We we're seeing their very best. And daily life isn't a highlight reel, and so that's where you wanna post a picture? Post a picture, yeah. Just don't compare how things are in your marriage or with your kids to what you're seeing in someone else's feed. Yeah.'cause whatever you're seeing, you're not seeing their life.

Christal:

Mm-hmm. This really connects a lot to the first topic we talked about with buying them everything that everybody else has. I think it's really, it's really about a comparison thing Let's just, let's just really do our best to please the Lord. You know, that's who we're really ultimately trying to please is God right?

Lennon:

That is, and that's. In fact, I think that's a pretty good way to begin to wrap this up. The words of Jesus in Matthew chapter six, seek first the kingdom of God in his righteousness, and the things that we need will be added to us. Uh, parenting, it's, we said early on, it's not a GPS thing. Turn by turn and everything will end up perfect. But we have the compass of godly priorities and God's word. Let's want for our kids and want for our family what God wants. To the best that we can discern while loving him and praying together as husband and wife about the direction of our family and some of these other things can just, can fall to the ground. There's enough real stuff to worry about, to not worry about keeping up with others or our kids on the a honor roll. How do we look online

Christal:

and there's no perfect parent. There's just no perfect kid or parent. And so we can be encouraged that, we're doing our best and that there's always gonna be something that our kids are gonna grow up and think, I would do that differently. But really it's about looking to the Lord and what is he asking of you as a parent?

Lennon:

Okay. This has been a great discussion. So friends this week maybe reflect on what pressures that you can let go of. There's plenty of legitimate things to focus on. Let's just go with that.

Christal:

Yeah, and we'd love for you to follow us on social media. We are on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, and you can go to home and marriage.com for more information. If your church is looking for a marriage retreat or a marriage conference, we would love to come and speak to your couples there.

Lennon:

Well, Friends, thanks again for listening today. We really do believe that your home can be your favorite place and that however good things are today, you can be even better at home and stronger together. Thanks for being with us today.

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Christal Noland

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Lennon Noland

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