Home and Marriage

Conflict in Marriage: Attack Issues, Not Each Other

• Christalnoland

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Navigating Conflict in Marriage: Techniques and Insights

In this episode of the Home and Marriage Podcast, Lennon and Christal Noland discuss effective ways for couples to manage and resolve conflicts. They share personal anecdotes about their own disagreements and elaborate on the importance of addressing issues rather than attacking each other. Key strategies include staying focused on the issue, listening fully before responding, avoiding the use of always and never, and offering sincere apologies. They emphasize the importance of maintaining connection and trust during conflicts, underpinned by Philippians 2:1-4. The Nolands encourage couples to see conflicts as opportunities to strengthen their relationship and reinforce their commitment.

00:00 Welcome to the Home and Marriage Podcast
00:38 Date Night Excitement
02:22 Conflict in Marriage: An Inevitable Reality
04:39 Different Upbringings, Different Conflict Styles
06:03 Handling Conflict: Strategies and Insights
14:35 Avoiding the Nuclear Option
21:03 Effective Apologies and Reconciliation
25:21 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

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Lennon:

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast with Lennon and Christal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger together. We're husband and wife, parents and ministers, and we want God's best for our home and for yours.

Christal:

Well, welcome to the podcast everyone. I hope you're having a good day so far, wherever you're listening today, and my name is Christal and I'm here with my love, my best friend, my sexy man Lennon, the Luscious Noland.

Lennon:

That's a good one. I didn't see that coming. I love being loved. So, it's a good day today. I'm happy today because. It's date day.

Christal:

Yeah, tonight is date night. We record, I guess on Fridays, so that's kind of our date night.

Lennon:

I don't know if it'll always be the case that we record on Fridays, but if we do, you're probably gonna hear us being excited about date night, because that's typically when it falls for us. And tonight we have little barbecue. Our sites.

Christal:

Yeah. I told you last night I was really craving some barbecue and we have a great barbecue place down the road that I'm excited to go get some barbecue.

Lennon:

Yeah, we live, we live near a little, not even a stoplight town, just little stop sign town. Yep. Called Maypearl Texas. And we have a great little barbecue place there. And then also because it's fall, some of our favorite TV shows are popping back up on Netflix. Yeah, on Apple tv. So we're gonna have us a good night tonight.

Christal:

It's gonna be fun. I'm excited. I love the fall. You know, it's not really. Cool. Yet we had our fake fall last week. Mm-hmm. The fake fall week and we were like all wearing our sweaters and stuff, even though I think the high was like maybe the low eighties or high seventies. Yeah. But, um, that's fallish for us. And now I got hot again, and then I hear we're getting a cool front. So probably next week we'll have some really good temperatures. Excited. That's gonna be great.

Lennon:

I'm excited. Yeah. Yeah. Let's wear hoodies live the dream.

Christal:

Yes. I just can't wait till we have our, fireplace started. That's, that's when it gets good.

Lennon:

That is when it gets good. I tell you what, we are not, we are not the people in Texas with a fireplace that never use it.

Christal:

Yes,

Lennon:

we find every excuse to light a fire.

Christal:

Every excuse, even if, if it's on the edge there with the temperatures, we just turn the AC down a little bit and we start a fire. We've

Lennon:

done that. We're so

Christal:

Texan, aren't we?

Lennon:

First world luxuries right there. So the show today is gonna be about something that every married couple has experienced. If you have been together more than 27 minutes, you have probably experienced conflict in marriage.

Christal:

You have, I'm sure you have. I think, we might have had a little conflict happening. When was it this morning? Maybe did, was it? We did, yes. And it was over dog food Do you wanna talk about that?

Lennon:

Yeah, I can, I can bear my soul a little bit. So we have this little hobby farm out here. We have various animals and um, I am known for deciding what all of our animals can and cannot eat. Yeah. And so we were given some dog food that. Isn't going to jive with the dogs that we actually have. And so I had the great idea of giving it to chickens because they're scavengers. Mm-hmm. And I'll just feed them dog food.

Christal:

Right. And you know, and I'm not saying that that idea was crazy because I know you can give chickens cat food. At times, now if you're a chicken keeper and you just disagree with this, I'm so sorry, but I got this advice from my librarian and she was telling me how to do that, and it really does help with their egg production. And we don't give it to'em all the time. Well, so Lenn had the idea, let's give them dog food. And I was like, well, that might work. But I'd like to do a little research on that first before we just go give them dog food. And then yesterday I was in the garage and there was bits of dog food in my chicken Pale. So I knew what had happened.

Lennon:

You knew what had happened. And what had happened was this something I very gosh, I very frequently do, which is, I decide, I know it needs to happen and I plunge ahead without much conversation or maybe I rush through and half listen to what you ask of me. Mm-hmm. And so, yeah, I fed the, I fed the chicken's dog food whenever you specifically asked me to wait.

Christal:

Thankfully. I don't think anything bad was gonna happen. And I did find out they can have some, they just can't have too much. And so, I held my cool, uh, I politely I tried to just say it in a good way. Well, I think we got through that conflict. You grabbed me

Lennon:

by the shoulders and gave me a good, hard shake.

Christal:

Stop.

Lennon:

No, you didn't. People are gonna think

Christal:

you're serious.

Lennon:

No, you didn't. You didn't.

Christal:

So conflict happens big and small, and we're gonna talk about that. And first, let's talk about how we were both, we're raised very differently with conflict, weren't we? We came from two different homes.

Lennon:

Yeah. Your parents. Pretty, pretty chill people overall. Yeah. And I don't think you grew up watching them work out a lot of conflict, did you? No. I

Christal:

mean, I know that if they did have something they really needed to go discuss, they would go to their room to talk about it. And I also remember there being some tense moments, but nothing crazy. And I could tell they were like, let's go talk about this later. Not in front of the kids. They are very much the type, let's not fight in front of the kids, which I really appreciated. I didn't wanna see mom and dad going off on each other in front of us. Right?

Lennon:

Yeah.

Christal:

So yeah, that's how they handled conflict.

Lennon:

So you grew up seeing a few tense moments? I grew up in a tense. Household. Mm-hmm. The show cops, I've joked a lot over the years that that show cops. I always called it mama's friends because we were on a first name basis with police that we were not related to. Hmm. And so we didn't just have conflict in our home. We had domestic. Disputes. Yeah. And so whenever we got married, certainly we had come from two very different backgrounds. Now that can be challenging, but it's also pretty normal that whether or not your situations were as extreme being opposites as ours were, it, it's, it's very much the case that we come from different families of origin. Mm-hmm. We, and even that aside, we just have different personalities in different ways of handling things, and so this is why. How we look at conflict matters because you are going to fight. Yeah. It's gonna happen.

Christal:

We are all gonna have conflict. It does not matter, how long we've been married. Conflict is gonna happen and it's very normal in marriage.

Lennon:

And it's also the case that you may not be. At each other's throats or even vocally disagreeing over anything in particular. But it's not always a good sign if you're never having conflict.

Christal:

Yeah, if you're at a place where you're, you're just not even dealing with the issue anymore, there are issues obviously there, there are still some things unresolved, there's some tense stuff happening and you just stop talking. That's actually more of a dangerous place than if you are, working it out. If you're like, we can't ignore this. We need to address this, that's a good thing. So to shut down and decide, I'm not gonna talk to this person anymore. That's a dangerous place.

Lennon:

That is a conflict strategy. You may be thinking, we just don't have conflict. But putting your head in the sand is a strategy of dealing with it. Just like blowing up, slamming a door, saying harsh words. That's also a strategy of dealing with it. And so what we have to remember is that what's really at stake whenever we're. Butting heads over an issue is not just the thing that we're actually dealing with. Uh, what's at stake is also how close are we gonna feel 30 minutes from now. Mm-hmm. And whether or not we kind of go to war over something, or we focus on a problem and resolve it together really does affect the tone of our home and the amount of tension that is present in our marriage.

Christal:

And women and men are very different. First of all, let's just acknowledge God made men, he made women with different tendencies. and Not everything needs to be stereotyped a hundred percent, right? We don't, we're not trying to do that. But women and men may handle conflict a little differently.

Lennon:

We all have defaults. We

Christal:

all have defaults, right? Yeah. So I would say that the first thing could be to shame. Their husband in a conflict that could be a temptation to want to say something that, you know, would be hurtful and, make them feel shame, you know?

Lennon:

Yeah. And I think that comes under the desire to really get your point across. And maybe feeling like as a wife, you've really pointed something out to me like, let me research the dog food before you just feed that to the chickens or, so something like that. A a lot of times a woman will escalate into. Being fierce with her words whenever she has felt unheard or disregarded.

Christal:

Yeah, I do. I do feel, we can get into a pattern of nagging and no one ever sets out to be a nagging wife. Right? That is in the Bible in Proverbs 21, 9. It says, better to live on a roof than with a nagging wife. Like we know that scripture as wives. And no one really wants to be that person, you know? But I think sometimes we can turn into that or have that tendency at times, I think it's really because of fear. Of fear of not being heard or when you say, Hey, I need you to do this. Or, Hey, this is really important to me. And it seems like your husband hasn't really listened to that or taken that account. Practice that it kind of makes us feel a little helpless. So what else do we do? Well, we turn to saying it over, over and over again. Maybe if we say it so many times, they're gonna get it finally. Or maybe we,, we resort to, yelling or letting it all out because you're so frustrated. I'm not saying that that is a good thing that we should do or that it's okay. I'm saying that, sometimes we feel like there's nothing else left. And so it really takes a lot of patience and self-control. It's like the fruit of the spirits. You have to practice that because,, when you want to say it again and again, but it's not really making a difference and you don't wanna lose your temper, sometimes you just need to. Pray, do something else instead of turning into that nagging person.

Lennon:

Yeah, I think the fruit of the spirit is the answer to a lot of things. Yeah. Whenever it comes to conflict, I think if there's a trend with, with guys, if, if that's a, a trend with women, a trend with guys is that we very frequently shut down. Or we withdraw in conflict. And the reason is, is out of a sense of, this can't speak for every guy all the time, but a reason that men shut down a withdraw is that they're keenly aware. At some point when the light finally comes on, I have disappointed the woman I love, I didn't come through for her. And there's a level of embarrassment that comes about with that or a sense of, uh, kind of inadequacy. I really failed here. And we're not always the best at dealing with that. And so we might slam a door and leave or we might, um, just absolutely shut down. And leave our wives asking questions that we are just not, we're just not answering. And what happens whenever we go into our defaults is that we both end up really frustrated and we end up feeling disconnected and alone, even though we share a bed with somebody.

Christal:

Well, I think that's really good for us wives to hear that because sometimes in a conflict, if your husband is the type that just shuts down. Does not speak for a while. I think it's good for wives to know because there, there's more to it that's happening than maybe we see. And so I think that's really helpful for wives to know that.

Lennon:

And if you have, and this can be true for women too, but if one of you as a person that does not do well when they're being pressed, like I know whenever we are in conflict. My gears turn really slowly. Mm-hmm. I, I am not a fast thinker in conflict. You know, it's true, don't you? Yes. And so if you press somebody who needs to process in conflict for an answer and a response, you may not like what comes out. If they're, if they're forced to snap, that almost never ends up good.

Christal:

Yeah, for me, I like to process everything out loud. I like to say it all, get it all out. And as I'm even saying it, it's making sense. It's coming together. It totally makes sense to me. Yeah. And I don't know why it's not making sense to you. And did you not just get what I just. Said, you know, and, and there can be some opposites sometimes like that. There's, the guy likes to talk it out and the girl really just shuts down or, we've

Lennon:

definitely seen that

Christal:

that can happen. But I have learned over the years, I'm better at this now than when we first got married, but, when I say something like bearing my heart and you don't respond right away. To not take it as a, you're, you don't love me, or you're not in this to win it. You're just trying to process what I just said.

Lennon:

Yeah. Right. Yeah, definitely. And we need time, so we have these defaults and what we have to avoid is, like you're saying, is the big assumption about the other person because they're not reacting in this situation how I want them to or feel like I need them to.

Christal:

Okay. So for, for husbands, that they shut down and they need to leave the situation. What is a good way for guys to do that? Because that's been done wrong before too. Where the guy just shuts down. The wife is like trying to get them to talk and they just leave the house you know, and they don't say anything, so. So what would you say would be a good way to do that if you need to process.

Lennon:

The simplest thing, I remember hearing this in a premarital, in a premarital course that I was sitting in as a, as an intern, and the guy who was teaching just made this point. He said, if one of you is really conflict avoidant or has a hard time dealing with it in the spot, and you need to leave the situation for a minute. Always give the one you love a lifeline and here's what it looks like. I don't like how I'm feeling right now. I'm having a really difficult time. I love you. I need to go on a walk. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be back, I'll be back in a little bit and that is so much more hopeful then. Just stomping out and pulling out of the driveway tires, spinning. So that's a really big thing that you give the person a lifeline, you affirm your love for them instead of just being like a, a tornado, you just always wanna avoid the nuclear option, whatever that is for you in your relationship. Uh, going nuclear is always the most destructive thing.

Christal:

What does nuclear mean? Give some examples. Oh, lord. Like we all kind of know, right? But what are some nuclear ways, ways we handle that?

Lennon:

Well, I feel like I keep saying the words. Slam a door in this episode, but that's an example of nuclear, just getting physical. Maybe not even with the person, God forbid, getting physical with, but that would be an example of going nuclear. Oh yeah. Uh, to of course to be physically violent with the one you love. There is never. There is never a legitimate reason No. To get physical with your spouse. Right. Ever. But I would also say there's never a legit reason to call names. That's another nuclear option people use.

Christal:

Oh, yeah. Even, even saying anything like, well, you're acting like a jerk. Maybe they did say you're a jerk, but they said you're acting like a jerk. That's still like. Borderline, don't you think?

Lennon:

Well, it's not helpful. No. And here's what, here's what ends up happening in a situation like that, and we've never had a situation like that, right? Right. Is you end up arguing over, I can't believe you just said I'm a jerk. No, I said, you're acting like a jerk and then you're in a stupid war of semantics.

Christal:

Yeah. It's, uh, and one thing leads to another and, and so. Keeping out the name calling, keeping out even using the word divorce. We pledged at the very beginning of our marriage to never say that word. Yeah. To never use that word as a threat. Or as a thing we throw out. We will not do that when we're in a conflict or a fight or anything.

Lennon:

Some couples will do that. And it's incredibly wounding. Just, I don't wanna deal with you anymore. We should. We should just split up. Yeah. And that's. That's no good. Here's how we need to think about this. Just like in the news right now, this country has their nuclear weapons. This country is so close to developing this. What we know is that diplomacy is always the best way. We don't wanna launch our missiles. We don't want them to launch their missiles and in marriage, each of you know how to take the other one out. You, you know, the other person's failures and flaws. And if you want to, you can destroy them. If you do that in the process, you're gonna destroy your marriage. And so we don't wanna go nuclear. We want to learn to attack issues instead of each other.

Christal:

That's good. I like that. Let's talk about what that looks like.

Lennon:

Yeah, we have a little list actually of how to do this that we've been teaching in these conferences and retreats from our six Habits of Happy Couples course. And so the first one is this, that whenever you're dealing with a conflict, stay focused on the issue at hand and don't What about a lot of other issues?

Christal:

Okay. So like if we're in a conflict and I'm like, why didn't you take out the trash? I keep asking you to, and then you say to me,

Lennon:

well, what about you? I mean, you, you said that you were gonna get home and clean the house. Mm-hmm. And I came home and it was still dirty. And so the house is a bigger deal than the trash. So see how ridiculous that is? Yeah. That's bad. It's, we could deal with an issue, but we, what about other things? Because we're trying, Hey, I'm not the bad guy here. I'm a good husband. I'm a hardworking man, and so I've gotta pull something else into it so that I can, so that I can win win.

Christal:

Yeah, that's, and that's not what we wanna do. We'll talk about that later, but yeah, that's really good. So there's another one is describe how you feel. Not who they are.

Lennon:

Right. Whenever you're in an argument, and this is a tried and true counseling technique. Mm-hmm. So we didn't invent this, but boy have we learned it. Yeah. And so, and that is this, that if, if we are in a disagreement, I'm not gonna say, you know, this is always what you do. Like, you just make me feel like I'm not good. Anything. And so what has happened right there is we were dealing with something and now I've just attacked your character and I've said, this is who you are as a person. And because I'm dealing with someone who is like you are as a person, and that is so hurtful and it escalates the fight because now you feel like you have to defend who you are. And again, we're not talking about one thing. You're trying to make me believe that you're not a monster,

Christal:

and we also learn not to use these two words in an argument or in a conflict. We don't say the word always and never, because that really attacks the character of the person like you always do this. To me, or you never do this. And so when we say those words, we're saying, you're totally that way completely. Which isn't ever true. Yeah. No, some, no one is always, and never anything really. Right. So that, that never helps the situation. It, it just adds to the hurt

Lennon:

and adds again to the defensiveness. Yeah. The third way to attack an issue instead of your spouse is to be sure that you listen fully to what they're saying before you respond to what they're saying. Because here's what we can do, is that while one of us is trying to unload their heart or talk about their feelings, I'm intervening with you telling you why you shouldn't feel that way, and I'm not leaving letting you make your case. And again, I'm realizing even as we're talking, how much this comes down to defensiveness, but you wanna let your spouse feel like they are heard. So that they feel understood and that your answer is actually trying to address how they're feeling and not how you think they should feel or not what you think they're getting wrong before you've let them even finish what they're saying.

Christal:

And if you put the other person before yourself, I think you're gonna do that. Sometimes that naturally takes care of a lot of the, I'm just gonna interrupt and interject. You know, I'm gonna really listen to you and see what's going on with you, and I want everything to be okay and I care about you. Maybe that will help too, just changing the way we're thinking.

Lennon:

Yeah. Because again, I don't have to win this. We're, we are in a marriage and I want things to be good between us. Yes. And so if I can stay leaned into that, instead of feeling like this is a battle I have to win, then we're gonna come out the other side. Yeah. A lot better. Yeah,

Christal:

that's right. And the last one that we talk about is apologize correctly. Not just apologize, that's important, but it's the way we apologize. That can make all the difference.

Lennon:

It is. And we're really bad at apologies. Here's how you know if you're bad at apology. If, your apologies look like this. I'm sorry if you mm-hmm. I'm sorry that you, so that if I've hurt you or wounded you with something I've said and you tell me. That. Then I say, well, I'm sorry you took it that way. Ew. Which is, which is a way of saying I'm not sorry at all, but I, but I'm really sorry. You're so sensitive.

Christal:

I You're crazy. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're crazy. Oh, I'm

Lennon:

sorry. You're crazy. Yeah. I, I'm not crazy. But if I was, I would probably have taken that the same way you did, so, I'm so sorry. Oh gosh. A bad apology is worse than no apology.

Christal:

Yeah. And never call a woman crazy. If you just don't do that, that's a really, that's a really good thing.

Lennon:

They do not like that. They do not like that. Oh yeah. Have I ever done

Christal:

that? Oh, why are you asking that right now on the show?

Lennon:

I don't think I've done that. Have I done that?

Christal:

No, but you just don't do that. I don't think you have either. Good. No, I You have not called me crazy. Okay. Thank the lord. I felt crazy at times, but you don't want to hear it.

Lennon:

That's, that's good. That's good. Okay, so here's the two parts of a real apology, guys. It is, I'm sorry, for blank and what needs to go in the blank. What you're sorry for. I'm sorry for speaking to you that way. I'm sorry that I gave the dog food to the chickens, even though you told me to let you research first. Like be specific. That's good. And then here's something that is very helpful at the end of that, will you forgive me and will you forgive me, is it's a reset button. In that moment, and there's, there's something to it. Even if something is stinging and tears are flowing and this is gonna be a rough night or a rough day, will you forgive me? Just shows I see what I see, what I've done. I didn't wanna make you feel that way. And it's important to me that we stay close.

Christal:

I like that. And I think, I think that's healing, saying, will you forgive me for that? And maybe it was a really rough fight and as you're healing from that fight reiterating that you love them and that you never wanted them to feel that way. So I think. Giving them, you know, assurance and reassurance.

Lennon:

Yeah. Because whatever it is you've been arguing over, you wanna stay again, connected at the end of it. And my friends, that's the ultimate goal. Not winning, but staying connected. Remember this basic truth, you're on the same team. You have pledged to walk this life out until death do you part and so the way that we ensure that that journey is, is loving and. Fruitful and good is not to never have conflict because we're gonna have conflict, but to handle conflict, well attack issues not each other.

Christal:

I love that, um, scripture in Philippians two, one through four, and that the parts that really stand out to me, is like you're saying, beyond the same team says, be like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of mind. And then the other part, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather in humility, value. Others above yourselves. I think that's the key right there. If you value others above your own selfish gain or ambition or what you want out of the argument you will avoid a lot of. Pain.

Lennon:

That's right. And pretty much most everything that is true of the church that is written in scripture, like Paul here talking about the church and how we love one another and how we relate to Jesus, it finds its fullest expression in marriage. This is where we get to walk out. Being one in spirit and mind on the first and even the deepest level.

Christal:

Yeah. Somebody you live with, you spend all your time with, you have kids with. Those are the ones that are gonna try you the most because we see everything in each other. We see all the good and the bad together.

Lennon:

That's exactly right. So friends, as we wrap up today, just take this with you. Conflict is inevitable, but war is not. And if you can begin to lean into a different way of handling conflict, believe it or not, your next few disagreements can be opportunities to move forward in trust. Every resolved issue can actually be a building block of trust because it just shows you and reminds you that the two of you are capable of handling for better and for worse. And so this week. Fight for your spouse, not with your spouse, and just keep trying to love each other well.

Christal:

That's so good. So friends, don't forget to follow or subscribe, so you never miss an episode. We drop new ones every Tuesday, and if today's conversation encouraged you, would you take a minute to leave a review? It really helps more people find the show and join our community. To connect further, visit us@homeandmarriage.com for more resources, including our six Habits of Happy Couples Course. And if you'd like us to come speak at your church, you can schedule us through the website. You can also follow along on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. All of the links are in our show notes.

Lennon:

so thank you again for joining us on the Home and Marriage Podcast. We really do believe that home can be your favorite place. We'll be back again next week with more encouragement and wisdom to help you become better at home and stronger together.

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Christal Noland

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Lennon Noland

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