Why Do We Parent SO Differently?: Finding Unity When You Parent

Parenting on the Same Page: Strategies for Unified Parenting

In this episode of the Home and Marriage Podcast, Lennon and Christal Noland discuss the importance of unified parenting and the impact it has on the family. They explore the differences between how moms and dads parent, shaped by their own upbringing and personalities. They highlight the necessity of presenting a united front to children to avoid conflict and tension and share personal anecdotes about their own parenting experiences, from setting disciplinary standards to preparing for their children's departure from home. Essential advice includes talking to your spouse to align parenting philosophies, seeking God's guidance, and learning from experienced parents. The episode is packed with practical tips and wisdom aimed at helping couples become better at home and stronger together.

00:00 Introduction: The Importance of Unified Parenting
00:41 Welcome Back: Weekend Plans and Fun
04:15 Parenting Differences: Moms vs. Dads
13:50 Personal Stories: Parenting Styles and Backgrounds
16:47 Unified Front: The Key to Effective Parenting
22:32 Practical Advice: Consistency and Seeking Wisdom
27:26 Conclusion: Encouragement 

Transcript

Lennon: 0:03

And if you can't parent on the same page, what will happen is you end up in conflict, right? Going behind the scenes, undoing what the other one has done. All sorts of unhealthy behaviors that can really cause tension between a husband and a wife.

Christal: 0:16

Yeah, it's really so important that we're unified. Kids do need to see their parents as a team and not competitors.

Lennon: 0:27

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast with Lennon and Christal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger Together, we are husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home and yours. Hey friends, welcome back to the show. So glad that you're here with us today and, as we are recording, and actually whenever you are listening, the weekend is coming and this is a week where I'm glad it is, uh, both because it's been a busy week, but also we got some good stuff coming up.

Christal: 0:56

Yeah, I live for the weekends, Lennon. I do. And it's when,

Lennon: 1:00

it's when you, it's when you get turned as the kids say. Oh, what does that mean?

Christal: 1:05

What does that even mean? It's, it's

Lennon: 1:07

not good. This is a joke. I'm, I'm making a joke. Oh, that's on the, the old Home and Marriage podcast. I thought

Christal: 1:11

that was Yeah, that's something we probably couldn't put on this We to mark. Well,

Lennon: 1:14

it's so we, it's something we wouldn't do. First of, are

Christal: 1:16

we gonna have to mark, uh, explicit now on our podcast? Maybe

Lennon: 1:19

so. Oh no. We'd probably have to mark cringe because that's what our kids would do if they heard their dad use the word turnt. Yeah. I

Christal: 1:26

don't even know what that word means. I don't even wanna know what that word means. But anyways, I think

Lennon: 1:29

it meant, and first of all, it meant something like four years ago. And it that it probably doesn't, it's probably not a word that's actually used anymore. Let's just move on from this. What are we looking forward to for this weekend?

Christal: 1:41

Well, I will say there's been many times that we've said words that we thought were fine back in our day, back in the nineties, early two thousands that we used, and our kids have informed us that that word means something else. And so we're like, oh, no. Well,

Lennon: 1:55

they've done that when we've tried to bandwagon on a word that it seems like they were using five minutes ago.

Christal: 2:00

I know you can't keep up with these kids.

Lennon: 2:02

No one does that anymore. No one says that,

Christal: 2:04

bro. Bro. I do know. They say, bro. And as I learned from Jimmy Fallon, they say a hundred percent. A hundred percent.

Lennon: 2:11

Yeah. Jimmy Fallon, he's, he's the guide of all of all parenting lingo.

Christal: 2:14

Anyways, all right, let's move on. Yes. Okay. So this weekend, uh, one thing I'm looking forward to, definitely looking forward to date night tonight we have that.

Lennon: 2:22

We do,

Christal: 2:23

Saturday night we already have a plan to watch Lord of the Rings. And we are big Lord of the Rings nerds here at our, well. I won't speak for our kids. Some of them love it more than others, but for me and you, we love Lord of the Rings, don't we?

Lennon: 2:37

We do love some Tolkien and they did such a good job with those movies. And there's something about the holiday season. We're here at the end of October heading into the good stuff that always sparks this feeling like it's time to enjoy a few classics. And so yeah, we got Lord of the Rings coming, but we're not just gonna watch. A Lord of the Rings movie, you also have a good plan for us to eat some Lord of the Rings appropriate food.

Christal: 3:02

Yeah, I, I'm doing basic Lord of the Rings food, but I am making a roast. That night, you know, roast with potatoes and carrots

Lennon: 3:10

as carrots as Sam Wise would say. Potatoes.

Christal: 3:13

Potatoes. And then we will have some kind of like dessert. It's not really Lord of the Rings theme, but we will have a dessert. But, yeah, I, I thought about going all out, like I got on Pinterest and started looking at all the cool recipes for Lord of the Rings nights, but they were intense. Like you can make. Lumps. Lius limbus. Limbus bread. Yeah. Which is like the Elvin bread. You can make that yourself and wrap it in like leaves and make it look like elf bread. And so I thought about that for a moment, but I was like, that's gonna take too much time for that. I dunno if I had the time to do all that.

Lennon: 3:47

Well, that's okay. That's the thing. That's a preview of holiday pressures in general, right? Oh, lots of things are cute, but to try to do all the cute things just kind of takes the joy out of everything and makes it way too much work to even have fun.

Christal: 4:01

Hey, and I know we're gonna have an episode coming up pretty soon about the holidays. We will, we're gonna talk about the, the pressures of the holidays, how to get through your holidays with peace, hopefully, so that's common. That will be good. That's gonna be a fun episode.

Lennon: 4:14

It will be. So we're gonna talk about parenting today and specifically kind of the different things that a husband and wife, that a mom and dad. Bring to the table. And it's not just specific between a mom and dad, sometimes just two parents as personalities and the experiences we've had growing up, we can just parent differently. And this can either be a source of strength or it can be a source of frustration. And probably over time it's gonna, we're gonna experience both at some point. Right,

Christal: 4:45

exactly. Because we are two different people raised in different homes and I think. First of all, just marriage in general. You deal with a lot of things because you are so different, right? Men and women are different. We know that's just a fact. And then you and I, just out of our own experience, we know we're different people. We think at the beginning, like we said last week, we think we're so the same. And then you get married and realize you're not exactly the same and you're you. You handle situations very differently. And I think in parenting it really comes to light. We start to see that. We are just very different. And the way we see this situation is different too. And that, I think that plays in just as, like I'm saying, person to person, but also men and women, mothers and fathers are very different. Right.

Lennon: 5:35

Yeah. And that's, and that's an important thing to recognize and it's also an important thing to appreciate.

Christal: 5:41

Yeah.

Lennon: 5:41

So why don't we lean into that just for a second, that moms and dads themselves. Are different. Mm-hmm. God designed us to bring unique strengths and to need each other in specific ways. And so what's one of the differences you think that really come to light with how a mom and how a dad approached parenting?

Christal: 6:02

I say the first things that come to mind about dads and mom's tendencies are dads tend to be really good at encouraging and pushing a kid into what they need to learn or grow into, or, they really believe, Hey, let's. Let's let'em do this thing. Right. And the moms tend to be way more nurturing and comforting and, oh wait, maybe they're not ready for that thing yet, so let's just hold on to'em a little longer. You know, we tend to be that way. Yesss what comes to my mind first?

Lennon: 6:32

That's a pretty common one. And all of these things show up in the other parent at times, but these are kind of broad themes. Yeah. And you are right that as a dad I am. Sometimes from a much too early age, I'm like, no, they're ready for this. They can, they can do this, and they're, they're gonna be fine. Tough it out. And that mom does want to lean in and encourage.

Christal: 6:54

Yeah. I remember when our kids first started learning to ride bikes. Yeah. So we have, three kids that are very close in age. The first two only have two years between them, and then the last two have seven months because our youngest is adopted. So we have this almost like Irish twins that, that we raised, yeah. In the home anyways. I remember the day Addie had already been riding her bike. She's older, and then Ethan was learning to ride his bike with the neighborhood kids. First of all. I didn't even know this was going on outside, that they were learning to ride bikes. Yeah. And this,

Lennon: 7:28

this was the big remove the training wheels day.

Christal: 7:31

Oh yeah. Yeah. And so I remember being really nervous and, and them saying, oh, look, Ethan can ride a bike. And we go out there and he's learning how to maneuver that bike, you know, and I felt nervous. I was always scared. They're gonna, they're gonna hurt themselves,

Lennon: 7:45

like he'll be fine. Rub some dirt on it, he'll be fine.

Christal: 7:48

And then Lizzie the same day. I wanna learn too. My natural tendency was say, let's just wait a little longer for you to learn. I think I can only handle one kid at a time as they're learning to ride their bike. But you would be very different in that situation.

Lennon: 8:03

Yeah, I, I remember. So specifically hearing our oldest say, dad, look at Lizzie and, and her and another one of the neighborhood kids were kinda walking alongside her, pushing her on the bike, and then they just all forehand. Came off the bike and there was Lizzie wobbling and riding down the driveway. And I mean, goodness, that's just a picture of a million things that come up as our kids do get older. And you're right, dads do default into kind of you can, you can do this. Go for it. Toughen up. And moms have kind of a nurturing and comforting heart for sure.

Christal: 8:40

They do. Another thing that this makes me think of is how, With moms being more nurturing and comforting. Moms understand daughters better because they're a woman. Right? There's just things that you understand about your daughter that dads may not get, and it may be harder for moms to even understand things about their sons that the dads are gonna know. Yeah. And understand. So I, that's, that's really a, a great thing to have, and we'll talk a little bit more about that later. But one story that comes to my mind too, personally, I remember when I was about 13. And you know what happens around 13 for girls? Yes. So I remember being very just emotional. And one night we were sitting at the dinner table, and I cannot tell you why I was crying, but I started to cry over something that happened and I was just eating my dinner crying and my dad being the loving dad, he wouldn't know how to fix it. Right. But he could not figure, and I couldn't tell him. What was wrong? He couldn't figure it out. And I was just crying. And I remember him saying, there's nothing to cry about what's going on? I mean, why are you crying? And my mom jumping in in that moment of just like, honey, she's just going through some things right now as a woman. And I remember leaving the table and going to my room, like crying, and my mom comes back there and she's like. Listen, this is part of, this is a part of the changes that you're going through help, helping me understand, but then helping my dad understand. Yes. So

Lennon: 10:08

that's such a, a key thing of moms helping dads understand and dads helping moms understand. With sons, there is some expertise we have with our. Our gender because we've been there and done that. And I know so many single parents have to bear the burden of raising their kids by themselves and have to look for ways to, uh, supplement the strengths that they bring to the table. But we should never take for granted having one another. Like, I need you. To help me understand these young women that we have in our house right now. And you need me to help you understand our son.

Christal: 10:45

That's right. And this makes me also think of another phase that we have not gotten to yet, but we are approaching and I think that's the whole kids, you know, leaving the home, leaving the nest, and the way that we handle that, and I will just say. Already preparing for that. Mentally, I'm, I get way more emotional. You get emotional. I know you do, but I like cry more often about thinking of our oldest one leaving to college. Um, I post, um, a senior Sunday picture most every Sunday because it helps me like start to mourn that loss. Yeah. You know, that's the way I'm handling it, but I have a feeling. You, I will be crying a lot more often, more days, not because I love my daughter more, It's because I, I handle it. It's harder for me letting go and I think you're really good. And dads tend to be really good at preparing them and pushing them out into the world as well. Not that moms can't, because I know there are moments that. I rise up and say, Nope, you're gonna do this because you need to learn the real world.

Lennon: 11:52

Right, right. So moms and dads do have differences, but we don't just bring to the table of parenting, our gender roles, per se. We also bring to the table who we have grown up to become, and sometimes our backgrounds the type of household we grew up in. The, the clinical term is right. Our family of origin and all that entails also affects how we think about parenting, whether it's stuff we want to emulate or it's things that we instinctively run from, and so that can have a big effect On the tone of a home, what kind of home did the parents grow up in? Did you know at homeandmarriage.com you can get our six Habits of Happy Couples Course. A lot of couples think that what makes for a better marriage is grand gestures, especially if you're in a time where you're a little disconnected or things are a little tense. We can feel like we need to do something huge and big to get things back on track. That's actually not the case. A happy marriage comes down to the little things, the everyday things. It comes down to habits. And so that's what's behind our six Habits of Happy Couples course. You've got six distinct habits that I teach on, and then Christal and I unpack those together. Each section has a PDF that is meant for you and your spouse to be able to talk through, some of the material and come up with your own ideas about how to improve your connection and improve your marriage. This course is$70, but for you as a listener of the podcast, if you use. Coupon code Podcast 20, you'll get$20 off of that. And so that is a better marriage for less than the price of a date night. So again, for podcast listeners, code podcast 20 at homeandmarriage.com. Get your course today. So for me, as far as something I think about in our home, I came up from a home that was touched by divorce. So I I had a stepmother, for part of my life. I had a stepfather as well. All of those things introduced interesting dynamics and so, You, on the other hand, came from an intact family. You grew up with mom and dad, married, they're still married. You had a brother and then a really young brother in the household. We had two pretty different experiences growing up.

Christal: 14:21

We did, and I think about that, not only just having The situation, having married parents still together versus divorced and the kind of stuff you go through, with both of those situations, for me, we had responsibilities at the house, like we did chores for sure. But I know for you, you had like a crazy chore situation versus the way I had it.

Lennon: 14:47

My stepmother, who has passed away now, but she was really a drill sergeant of the household. She was gonna have no kids just laying around and sleeping in. I had a Saturday. Chore schedule,

Christal: 14:59

right? That

Lennon: 14:59

would take my friend's breath away. They could not believe, and not just Saturdays, but a lot of times in the house as well. And so for us parenting that's really shaped me and what I expect that our kids can, can do and how they can contribute around the household. And maybe sometimes I can get a little bit extreme and you have to reign me in on some things, but that's something that we have to realize that with whatever background we've both come out of. It's not necessarily the case that everything we learned was ideal. Mm-hmm. And just because our spouse went through something different, they don't have any values to bring to the table. That might be beneficial as well. Even if they're different than ours.

Christal: 15:41

Yeah. I think no matter what, every person. comes to a place, whether it's in their teen years growing up because they're frustrated with the way that they're, being treated or parented. They will say or realize, you know what? My parents did this right, but I think I'll do this differently than my parents. Like I even have friends who were raised by military parents and that Can be different. The way that they're disciplined or raised to do chores can be different and they may go with that and think that was a good thing for me, or they may say that was a little too much. In my family I will do it differently. So I think it does really affect how you parent and then there's moments where, we just instinctively do some things because that's the way we were raised. And whether we really agree that that's really great. Sometimes we just do that thing and we don't stop and think about should we do the this, this way?

Lennon: 16:32

And it's the case for our marriage and a lot of marriages that sometimes those instinctive reactions in parenthood can horrify or frustrate the other one that does just does not see things the same way. And this is really. Where we wanna make a turn with what we're talking about here, because it's so important for parents to come to a place where, uh, philosophically in terms of discipline, whatever, where they're on the same page. And if you can't parent on the same page, what will happen is you end up in conflict, right? Going behind the scenes, undoing what the other one has done. All sorts of unhealthy behaviors that can really cause tension between a husband and a wife.

Christal: 17:14

Yeah, it's really so important that we're unified. Kids do need to see their parents as a team and not that we're competitors. I think once we show a front that's not united, it shows our weakness.

Lennon: 17:27

Yeah. That lesson was something you learned growing up in your house.

Christal: 17:30

I did. I remember even a specific time where I, I had some kind of disagreement with my mother and I don't remember what it was, but I was very frustrated and I remember going to my dad saying, dad, mom thinks this way. I think this way. What do you think? And my dad was really clear with me, and I didn't expect this, but he was like, Christal. Your mom is my wife, and me and your mom will always be on the same page about things. So you can't come to me to try to get me on a side. I will always side with your mom and you know, teen years, you know, who knows what it was about. But I remember that to this day It, it opened my eyes to what husband and wife was really about and how they really were about unity.'cause they were always gonna be together. Us kids, we will always have our parents who always have our family, but we're not gonna live there forever. We're gonna one day move out, but them two will always be. Together.

Lennon: 18:28

Yeah. And you cannot present a united front as parents if you're not united. Mm-hmm. Which means somehow, some way before moments of intense parenting, uh, you as a couple need to discuss what is important in your home. What are your values for your kids? This will require some conversations when the kids aren't around. Yeah. Here's the thing. Both parents always want what is best for their kids. Mm-hmm. That sometimes they just define the best differently. And so in conversation, you've really gotta come on, okay, what is the best? What are we shooting for? And most importantly, in any home, and most importantly in the hearts of any parents, what we feel is the best for our kids need to be what we believe is God's best for our kids. We have to want for our kids what we believe God wants.

Christal: 19:23

That's very true. And I will say, just responding to what you're saying about discussing things and being on the same page, I feel like this has happened even more now that the kids are growing up. And so there's so many times that. A kid has asked me a question, mom, can I go do this? But this is not a me alone kind of decision. This is something you and I have to talk about So many times have I said, you know what? I need to talk to your dad. Me and your dad need to discuss this before we can give you an answer. And I have noticed kids are smart. They tend to go to the parent that they think will give them the answer they want.

Lennon: 20:00

Oh yeah.

Christal: 20:00

It's okay for parents to say, you know what, me and your dad need to figure that out, or you, me and your mom need to talk about this before I can give you an answer.

Lennon: 20:09

So I think it would just be a basic encouragement that at, there have to be points where you and a husband and wife. Step out of the parenting for a moment, and that can be stepping out onto the porch or talking in the room at night, but discussing what's important and how you're going to approach it together. Praying through, Lord, how do we face what it is that we're facing right now? Um, it's important for parents to be on the same page with what discipline. Looks like I've seen this almost fracture marriages where one kid grew up in a home with a certain kind of discipline. Another kid grew up in a home with an entirely different kind. However, you're going to discipline your kids. You must be agreed that is more important than anything else in your marriage that, well. Anything else concerning your relationship with your kids that you were agreed on how to. Approach the important subjects?

Christal: 21:03

Yeah. I think this goes back to the way we're raised. We were all disciplined a little differently. There were some things that I was surprised talking to you about that you were able to do that I was not able to do. You know, like Yeah. Watching horror movies when you were, how old were you?

Lennon: 21:18

Oh gosh.

Christal: 21:19

Your parents let you do ten

Lennon: 21:21

eight. Right. I remember being dropped off to see the New Nightmare on Elm Street. I mean, I'm like nine years old or something like that in the theater by myself watching Nightmare on Elm Street.

Christal: 21:32

Yeah. Yeah.

Lennon: 21:33

I would never do it

Christal: 21:34

right. And there's some things my parents would be okay with that Yours wouldn't be. I just think that's what's interesting is that there may be things that I might be harder on than you are, or that are more important to me than, than it is to you, or vice versa, we're all gonna have our tendencies in how we discipline. Some of us have been affected, I think, by certain styles of discipline that we're just like, I'm not gonna do that to my kids. You know? And I think that's where you just need to have a conversation together about what you feel is really godly and Right. And I think like what you said earlier, going back to the scripture, going back to how God would want things, we need to go to that first. The Bible and having wisdom from couples. Who have been there and done that, we can see from the outside that they have a very healthy family. Their kids are doing well. It's just those are the people we need to go to and say, what did you do during this phase?

Lennon: 22:26

That's a great point, and I feel like that's almost the best parenting advice we would give anybody. Is have other people in your life who have successfully raised kids who are functioning adults and who love the Lord. Mm-hmm. And now it's definitely the case that great parents can have their children go off the rails. It doesn't matter how good a parent you are, you cannot guarantee that you kid isn't gonna sin. Mm-hmm. Sinners are gonna sin and they're gonna make bad choices. But you also don't want to take advice from anybody who will give it, and so you want to ask people who seem to love the Lord, who love their kids, whose kids love them because you are after Jesus said this about wisdom, he said Wisdom is proven by her children.

Christal: 23:14

Mm-hmm.

Lennon: 23:15

Meaning that wisdom always shows up over time. And in the end with maturity, it's the same for approaches to marriage and parenting. So that's a big deal. Yeah. I'm glad you brought it up.

Christal: 23:26

Yeah. So find, find people that you, you look up to and admire the way that they parent and you can tell, that they're doing a good job with it. I know we've had those phases, we've gone to friends in the toddler stage. I went to my parents a lot about this too. I remember asking my dad once about one of our kids that was having a really intense, two, 3-year-old stage you know? um, I remember asking the questions, what do I do with this? I don't know what to do in this situation. I feel like I don't know how to, how to discipline them well or something. And I remember asking my dad this question, he told me, well, you just stay consistent. Stay consistent with them. The stronger will kids need to know this is my yes, and this is my no. Yeah. And I'm staying consistent. And then he even told me, you know, but you wanna be careful with a strong-willed kid not to break their will. You don't want to, to be so overbearing, where it hurts them because there's a gift in that being strong-willed as well. And that was just parenting advice that was so important and help me in the future. With what to do in certain situations. So go, go find those people.

Lennon: 24:34

Absolutely. So I feel like we've had three primary encouragement in this episode. Then as we begin to wrap up, we've talked about the importance of being on the same page with each other, talking to each other, not just talking to your kids. We talked about talking to God. About your kids and about your household. And then we talked about talking to others who have raised kids who love them, who they love, who love the Lord. Those are three pretty good encouragement that wherever you are friends in your parenting journey, whether you're trying to get your first one to sleep, you're trying to get your first one out the door, you're gonna need those three things.

Christal: 25:13

Hey, can you tell, what we learned at a parenting conference once with Dr. Ken Wilkis and how he was talking about the sailing as a parent,

Lennon: 25:22

yeah. I'm gonna, I'm gonna botch it a little bit, but Dr. Ken Wilkis, who will be on our podcast very soon, he's been a very important influence in our parenthood journey. Listen, this is a guy who people would consider a parenting expert, but one of the encouragement that he always gives is like, this isn't science right? There's, there's no one perfect way. To do this, there are principles that are godly. There are general directions, but you're gonna have to figure out some things on your feet and you're gonna feel confused sometimes. And that's okay. And I think he made the statement that it's more sailing than science.

Christal: 26:00

Mm.

Lennon: 26:00

Sometimes you're responding to the wind and you don't have a black and white play by play for exactly what you're doing. But if you keep your general destination there, respond to the wind, work with what you're getting, you're gonna get there in the end. And that's really. I mean, goodness, if you're a parent listening to a podcast on parenting, you're probably doing better than you think.

Christal: 26:25

Yeah,

Lennon: 26:25

and that's an important thing.

Christal: 26:27

Yeah. I love that because I know for us as parents, we have definitely come to some light bulb moments of, Hmm, maybe that wasn't the best way to parent that situation. And we find out after the fact.'cause we're just trying to do our best in the situation. But I think that's where God's grace comes in and he really does help us. We are just not gonna parent every situation perfectly. Right. We're not gonna do that. But if we're staying together in our hearts unified as husband and wife, I think we can go forward with Lord, forgive me for not parenting that situation. Right? But I wanna continue to do what you would want us to do. And I really do think that. Keeping unified as a husband and wife is so, so important. And then knowing that God is going to help you with your mistakes that you made in the past, and he's gonna help you grow in your wisdom and learn from those mistakes as well.

Lennon: 27:26

That's a perfect wrap up. So friends, don't forget to follow or subscribe so that you never miss an episode. We drop new ones every Tuesday, and if today's conversation encouraged you, it'd mean a lot to us. If you would add a review to the podcast to help other people find it, go to home and marriage.com for more resources. We have a great course there called Six Habits of Happy Couples, and throughout the week for more content, you can follow us along on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. All those links are in the show notes.

Christal: 27:54

Thank you so much for joining us today on the Home and Marriage Podcast. We really do believe that home can be your favorite place. We'll be back again next week with more encouragement and wisdom to help you become better at home and stronger together.