Navigating Stress: When You And Your Spouse React Differently To Stress

We all handle stress differently, and marriage brings those differences face to face!

In this episode of the Home and Marriage Podcast, we discuss the challenges and strategies for managing stress within a marriage. Emphasizing the importance of being supportive  as scripture shows us, we highlight various stress responses such as anger, withdrawal, and unleashing emotions. 

We share personal anecdotes about dealing with stressful situations, encourage offering grace and patience, and suggest practical steps like praying, taking breaks, and maintaining self-care to better handle stress. Join us as we explore how stress doesn't have to divide you but can be an opportunity to grow closer together.

00:26 Welcome to the Home and Marriage Podcast
00:57 Winter Weather Forecast
02:31 Handling Stress in Marriage
04:52 Common Stress Responses
08:15 Supporting Your Stressed Spouse
12:41 Promoting a Stress-Free Home
18:59 Self-Care Strategies for Stress
21:53 Conclusion and Resources

Transcript

Lennon: 0:01

Well, I got it all done because you helped me because you stepped into my stressful situation and you were my helpmate, which is what scripture says we are to be to each other.

Christal: 0:10

Look at us. Go look at us, go. I think this is only happening because we have learned that reacting to one another when we're stressed doesn't fix anything.

Lennon: 0:19

Right. That's the truth. Yes.

Christal: 0:20

We have learned. So you might as well just be a friend and help each other. Yeah. Yeah.

Lennon: 0:26

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast with Lennon and Christal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger together. We are husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home and for yours. Well, friends, thank you so much for gathering with us today, gathering with us in whatever way you can, wherever in the world you are. We're glad that you're with us today for the show.

Christal: 0:51

Hopefully you have something warm with you. Maybe a hot mug of tea like I do. I have this, tea that's, good for your immune system Lennon Because we are in that season where things get cold, where people get colds and I wanna be prepared.

Lennon: 1:06

Yeah, we, we have had one of our daughters reached out to us from school. She wasn't feeling so great. Went to the nurse and it does look like she is not just, I'm not feeling well. Can you bail me out? But she's really not feeling well because she does have a cold or something going on and it is getting intensely cold here in Texas. As we record this, we are looking at a weekend where. There will be ice on the roads, uh, snow, sleet, all the stuff. And one thing about Texans, we don't know how to people, when it gets genuinely cold.

Christal: 1:41

We don't, we have no idea what to do. We go into emergency mode. I went this morning to the grocery store and I was really concerned. It would be crazy packed and everybody would be. Emergency buying toilet paper again. But luckily I didn't see any of that. And right now, according to our local weather man, it looks like it could get bad, but you know, it's still a little early to tell. So guys, when this comes out, it. If it got bad, we will be bundled up in our home hoping the electricity doesn't go out because, you know, we just don't, we never know what to do In Texas.

Lennon: 2:16

We don't. Our friends who are in, uh, if you're in New Jersey or Colorado where we have some listeners scattered, you guys face legit cold, legit weather, and you don't bat an eye. You just continue with your business. You handle life. But not us baby, not us. As I transition into our point today mm-hmm. Would you say that bad weather stresses us out?

Christal: 2:36

I, you know, I have this, um, actual excitement about bad weather sometimes. I just like to be prepared. I'm ready for it if I, if I'm ready for it with my, food. Some cozy things like a blanket, candles. Today I made sure we had enough batteries. If I'm prepared Lennon, I feel much better. But some things we just can't prepare for. But I could see how it could stress people out.'cause people handle things differently and we handle stress differently. Each of us do. Today we're actually gonna talk about that when your spouse handles stress differently than you, because we do handle it in different ways.

Lennon: 3:16

We do, and because we handle it in different ways. The way that you handle stress can then stress me out, and the way I handle stress can stress you out. Yeah, and this is one of the things that I would say over the years. I have had to remind myself of again and again that you are not on the attack because you're stressed out about something that, that is weighing down heavily on you and because that stress might change the way that you interact with me. Mm-hmm. I have been known to be a little sensitive, just a little, little too my, a little too gentle whenever you are feeling weighed down by something, if it changes your interaction with me. Yeah. I have a good. I have a good potential within me to get offended.

Christal: 4:01

Well, don't we all? I think we all can get offended when our spouse is stressed and sometimes our instincts aren't kicking in to realize they're going through something. Sometimes we react to their reaction. But the thing is, we tend to show our stress to the ones that are closest to us because we feel safe with them. That's true. True. That's why that tends to happen. I had a good friend of mine comfort me about a situation with someone that's close to me that was really letting out everything. And I was just baffled by why is this happening, and she said, now remember those that when they feel safe with you, they tend to unload. And so that is a tendency, and so safety's good. But stress can come between us, a marriage if it isn't handled well.

Lennon: 4:51

Right. So let's work through the list a little bit of some kind of common stress responses because not everybody stresses in the same way. Mm-hmm. We tend to stress in, in different ways. And so, I mean, one of the ways that that we can stress is by getting angry that because I feel pressure, whether that pressure is financial or it's about how something is going at work or relationships here within the home. Some people handle that pressure by getting angry.

Christal: 5:21

Anger is a very common way, uh, to unload your stress. And I don't think you realize sometimes when you're super stressed how angry you're getting at the little things, you know, especially the little things. I think that's a good indicator that something else is going on here with myself. If I am really ticked off about things so easily, so yeah, anger's a very common one. I think also some people tend to withdraw, right? And kind of go into a cave or go into their own mind and they just kind of simmer and they're just in their own little. Space and you almost feel it when you're around them, but you, you know, something's going on, but they're not talking about it. So some, some of us have a tendency to go the opposite way and just keep it all in.

Lennon: 6:09

Yeah. And you as a, as a good mom or as a good wife, or as a good friend or maybe someone else, that you can ask all the questions you want. You're trying to be there. Hey, I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And that can be just like throwing a tennis ball off a brick wall. It just doesn't get in because someone that handles stress by withdrawing, um, doesn't know how to communicate what they're feeling in that way.

Christal: 6:30

Yeah. I have another way of describing maybe ways we handle stress, that's what I call unleashing the Beast. Okay. And it's not like, I mean, that sounds like an angry thing, but to me when I think of that, it's like all the stuff that's piled up, you just let it all out and you just kind of say everything, but you don't even say it with any filter. There's no filter there. It's just letting it out. Letting it out. Yep. Possibly crying, which isn't bad. You're not wrong for crying, but it's kind of like everything just flows out at once. Yes. You know what I mean?

Lennon: 7:03

I do know what you mean. I may or may not have, have, uh, experienced that before. Have you, experie Dunno. Has this ever happened in our house? Yeah. Things can really pile up and come out in a flood. You, you mentioned crying. You know, sometimes with stress there's a big fear response and some of the, the lashing out and unleashing the beast is because of just a real fear of what's gonna happen. Are we gonna be okay? Yep. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And you know what? Is a cousin of withdrawal just going to sleep? Oh yeah. This is it. Honestly, if we're to work out, okay, what are the ways that we tend to stress in our marriage? I think for me, I handle stress. My default in a negative sense is probably withdrawing and just wanting to go to sleep. Mm-hmm. I don't wanna talk about it, honey. I just. I just wanna go to sleep.

Christal: 7:53

Yeah. But see, something in me really feels like, I know if you were to like start talking about it, you're gonna feel better. Mm-hmm. I think that's a gift of a wife or a mom. Not that we need to dig into every little thing, but sometimes just, Hey, I'm here for you. Do you wanna talk about it? That can relieve some stress,

Lennon: 8:15

It can. So those are the common ways that we tend to express stress. And there are probably some others, but whenever you, as a wife or as a husband, you can see that your spouse is dealing with something. Mm-hmm. And you can see that they are stressed out. What's a good first step? Because obviously a good first step is not, Hey, what's your problem? What's going on? Yeah. In that sort of exasperated sense.

Christal: 8:40

Mm. Uh, yeah, maybe asking the question just in a better way, kind of ob observing them and, and you know, when your spouse is off or if they're not their normal selves. And so I think first just observing is this just a moment or something going on? And then asking them kindly, are you doing all right? Is there anything happening that you wanna talk about? You know, just kindly asking them. Don't be like Michael Scott in the office. There's a funny scene where the women are talking to him and they say, when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods, and Michael Scott says, well, I have to know whether you're serious or not, you know?

Lennon: 9:21

Yeah. You know, that joke had to be drafted by a collection of husbands. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Christal: 9:27

So, you know, When we're dealing with spouses, we're dealing with a man and a woman, and we're made so differently and you don't wanna get on the woman's bad side by being like Michael Scott and, and wondering if it's just your period or is something really going on? Yeah, because I, I will say speaking not for all women, but for me, hormones will bring out things more intensely. For sure doesn't mean something's not going on. Maybe our re response to it might be a little more intense than we normally feel, but you don't just go straight to well. It must not be that serious. It's just her being hormonal,

Lennon: 10:03

right? No. So the question of what's behind this cannot be, it cannot be sarcastic. It cannot be, are you PMSing really bad? It needs to be. And right now we're talking like, this is all with women, but it's not, when you see something is going on with your husband, uh, he's not just being angrier, withdrawn. There's something that he's wrestling with. So even just the effort. To, okay, I'm gonna take this as an opportunity not to get offended, not to react, not to roll my eyes in being frustrated. I wanna understand, honey, what are you dealing with right now? Help me understand that. A lot of times we're too prideful for this. I mean, I remember we put out. On social media, a clip from our course, six Habits of Happy Couples. And the clip was of something addressing, bearing with your spouse and their emotions, this kind of thing. And I remember one woman commented and just absolutely went off saying, it is not my problem, it is not my responsibility to manage his issues. And she went on and on and on. And I'm just thinking, you know, it's not your full responsibility. For his emotions. But if you're not inclined gently and to help this person, you're married, I wonder what your house is like? Did you know at homeandmarriage.com you can get our six Habits of Happy Couples Course. A lot of couples think that what makes for a better marriage is grand gestures, especially if you're in a time where you're a little disconnected or things are a little tense. We can feel like we need to do something huge and big to get things back on track. That's actually not the case. A happy marriage comes down to the little things, the everyday things. It comes down to habits. And so that's what's behind our six Habits of Happy Couples course. You've got six distinct habits that I teach on, and then Christal and I unpack those together. Each section has a PDF that is meant for you and your spouse to be able to talk through, some of the material and come up with your own ideas about how to improve your connection and improve your marriage. This course is$70, but for you as a listener of the podcast, if you use. Coupon code Podcast 20, you'll get$20 off of that. And so that is a better marriage for less than the price of a date night. So again, for podcast listeners, code podcast 20 at homeandmarriage.com. Get your course today.

Christal: 12:41

I'm just gonna say like, there's so many things that could happen to where one of us, a husband or wife gets into a real time of stress because maybe it's a job situation, you know, or a health battle and we need to be there for one another. Not to make one another feel bad about being stressed, but to come alongside them and, and help as much as we can.

Lennon: 13:07

Do you think that sometimes we get too used to having like a stressed out atmosphere in the home that. That sometimes families can, I, I know in families where one of the spouses really is out of control with their stress mm-hmm. And they're kind of volcanic interruptive that everybody kind of begins to manage their interactions and keep their distance and just kind of wonder what version of dad am I getting today? I think that sometimes stress can be really prolonged and we lean into living that way. But I don't think we have to. Do you?

Christal: 13:42

I don't think that that's something we should be okay with in our own lives, and we may have people that tell us loved ones that say, Hey, you seem really stressed all the time. That's a really good indicator that you're not your normal self or that it's gone on for so long that people don't know how to be around you anymore. That's at the point definitely where I think a. Reevaluating of what is happening with me. Is there something I need to change? So I am not that person that is chronically stressed because sometimes I think we do wear it as a badge of honor in our culture. It looks like if you're stressed, well then you're just productive. You work a lot, you're a hard worker, and that is not the same thing. You can be a hard worker and not chronically stressed, and so if it's something that you can do to make changes. You need to make those changes. You know, whether it is going to get help going to your doctor, talking about what's happening. If it's a lifestyle change, goodness, like sometimes the job we have may not be the job we need to have forever because we are so stressed all the time. You can't live that way forever.

Lennon: 14:57

Yeah, we don't need to accept a stressful atmosphere in our home. And, uh, we don't need to let stress turn us against each other and cause division in our relationship. So we're talking about asking ourselves the question, okay, what is behind this? Asking our spouse the question, using their stress as an opportunity to understand them, uh, from this perspective right now. So. Whenever we ask ourselves, okay, how can I help my spouse in this moment? What are some things that we can do to help them? If this person we love, we're seeing that they're weighed down and they're really stressed out, I want to help them. Let's talk about some things that we could do to serve our spouse.

Christal: 15:37

First of all giving them some grace and having some patience. if you yourself could give extra grace when you know this is something deeper than just the normal day-to-day stress stuff, give them some grace and have more patience with them. That really starts with ourselves. So I think that's the first thing we can do. And then another thing that is huge that I've noticed in our marriage, and that's really made a difference for me is giving them a break. And so when you've seen me really stressed out and you're like, honey, you want me to just do that for you? Or you will just say. Encouraging things to help me unload. So if it's a load thing, maybe I've got too much going on. Either you give me that permission to be like, you should probably just let that go. That doesn't have to be get done today. You'll be that voice in my head of like, yeah, you know what? I don't have to do all this today. There's no way I can get all this done or you are offering to help me. And I think that's huge.

Lennon: 16:37

That is, and that's something we've had to do for each other even in the past couple of days. Uh, you had something you were dealing with that was just, it's something that is usually in your wheelhouse, but it was just stressing you out. And so you said, can you please do this? And I said, yes. Then this morning you stepped in for what I usually do, I usually drop the kids off at school in the morning because I had a work deadline that I worked on late into the night last night. Still wasn't done. Needed to be able to tackle how am I gonna get it all done? Well, I got it all done because you helped me because you stepped into my stressful situation and you were my helpmate, which is what scripture says we are to be to each other.

Christal: 17:18

Look at us. Go look at us, go. I think this is only happening because we have learned that reacting to one another when we're stressed doesn't fix anything.

Lennon: 17:27

Right. That's the truth. Yes.

Christal: 17:28

We have learned. So you might as well just be a friend and help each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good that, that's made a huge difference I think, in our marriage, and I think you're not gonna go wrong by helping your spouse out when they're stressed out. I would say too, we need to not be afraid to bring up the obvious what's happening in the room. When you see someone's stress and it's not going away, and you can tell. It's okay to bring it up to say, Hey, I know you're stressed about, is there anything you wanna talk about? I just think the timing is really important too. Yeah. What do you think about that?

Lennon: 18:07

Yeah, I think, I think pushing can go sideways sometimes, but you're not being pushy just because you say, okay, listen, we really need to get something out here because this, this is not something we can maintain. Mm-hmm.

Christal: 18:21

Yeah. And mostly, and not that this is our last resort, but pray for them. we talk about this in our course a lot, but the Lord can do for them what you definitely can't do. And the Lord can comfort your spouse in a way that you can't and speak the words they need to hear to them. And so prayer is really important especially when you're dealing with something, maybe that's lasted longer than anticipated. Yeah. Or a stressful situation that you don't know when this is gonna end. Right? And so pray for them. Pray for your spouse. Don't forget to do that,

Lennon: 18:54

right? So that's great. That's, those are different ways that we can help our spouse. But I want to finish by talking about how can we help ourselves? Like if you are the one that is stressed, you are the one that's carrying the weight, you're finding yourself snapping at your spouse or being short with the kids. What can you do for yourself? Um. One thing is what we finished the last point with, to pray as a first response, not as a last resort. What I found, whenever I'm super stressed out is that if I will go to God first, I'll be better with you. Mm. Yeah. I can handle stress better in interactions with you if I've been with Jesus in prayer.

Christal: 19:34

Yeah. That goes for me too. That is. That's a really good point.

Lennon: 19:37

Another thing is, I think whenever you're really stressed out, if you need to leave the situation. Don't slam a door, don't peel out in the driveway. You say, I need to step out. I'm not handling this well, but you always throw a lifeline, but I, I love you and I'll be back. This is very different than throwing a tantrum and leaving. If you're really worked up in the moment, you need to leave the situation. I love you and I'll be back. Go take a walk.

Christal: 20:04

And to the spouse who wants to talk about it because that's how they deal with it. Give that other spouse a moment to breathe and process versus pushing them to talk about it now, talk about it now. You know, that does not fix anything.

Lennon: 20:18

No. And if you force them to talk, you're probably not gonna like what comes out.

Christal: 20:22

You probably won't.

Lennon: 20:23

Yeah.

Christal: 20:23

So be understanding. Yeah. Let them have a moment.

Lennon: 20:26

Mm-hmm. And I think another thing that really helps with stress levels is taking care of your body. A lot of times we feel badly and we're dealing with life and stress poorly because we are run down. And why are we run down? Not simply because life is hard, but we're run down because we're not taking care of ourselves. We never manifest an endorphin. By going on a walk or playing basketball or something. Um, making healthy changes to your life is a big deal. I know whenever I made a dramatic diet change after a period of weeks, you noticed a big difference. Not in my body, not in my weight, but in my emotions. In my personality. Do you remember that?

Christal: 21:10

Yeah, I think it affects you mentally first before you start to see the outward change. It really relieves a lot of tension. And I did notice that in you. I know for me the same, if I'm outside moving around, I feel better. And then also if I'm eating better, that's just the deal. I mean, it's like a vicious cycle because you can be stressed. Well,'cause I'm stressed, I'm going to eat all these donuts. Mm-hmm. And then the donuts make you feel terrible. Yeah. And then because of that, you don't wanna go walk. And then it just keeps going around and around. So I think making some healthy decisions for yourself. We'll help a lot with stress. So Make those healthy changes. That's just good wisdom. So guys, remember we wanna encourage you. You may be going through a stressful time, or your spouse may be going through it right now. Remember, stress is inevitable. It's gonna happen like we're all gonna deal with it. But slowing down, giving grace, praying for them. doing the things that you can do to help is gonna make a huge difference rather than just reacting to their stress. Different stress doesn't have to divide you. Sometimes stress even can bring you closer to together.

Lennon: 22:20

Thank you honey. Alright, friends, we'll call that an episode. Don't forget to follow or subscribe, so you never miss a show. And if today's conversation encouraged you, would you take a minute and share this with a friend? It really helps more people find the show and join our community. You can always visit home and marriage.com for more resources, like our Six Habits of Happy Couples course. And if you would like us to come speak at your church or event, you can schedule us through the website, you can also follow along on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. All the links are in the show notes. Thank you for joining us on the Home and Marriage Podcast. We really do believe that home can be your favorite place. We'll be back again next week with more encouragement and wisdom to help you become better at home and stronger together.