Little Things That Strengthen Marriage And Bring You Closer

It's the little things that make a BIG difference in marriage.

In this Valentine’s-season episode of the Home and Marriage Podcast, we talk about how we’re celebrating Valentine’s Day late and how, almost 20 years into marriage, we’ve learned to value simple choices that keep us connected.

From a viral reel by Arthur C. Brooks, we share four small practices that can help even a hurting marriage and we add our own practical little habits that have made a huge difference for our marriage and how we feel connected. 

 We hope by the end of this weeks episode you can make one of these little things happen in YOUR marriage to feel more connected than ever!

Episode where we talk about Having Fun in Your Marriage

Transcript

0:02

Totally unexpected. That while we're talking about looking into each other's eyes. Right now, I'm 45. We've been married almost 20 years. I feel like really shy. Like I need to look away. Really? Yeah. Like, like we're in sixth grade or something like that. And I'm looking at you across the classroom. That's crazy.

Lennon 0:20

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast with Lennon and Christal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger together. We are husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home and for yours. Well, friends, welcome to the show today. We are so glad that you're with us wherever you are and whatever you are doing. On the day of recording. We're leading up to Valentine's Day, though on the day of your listening. It will be a little after Valentine's Day, at the very least, and yet we are looking forward to Valentine's Day with Oh, so much anticipation. Vaguely anyway, because we don't actually get to have Valentine's Day on Valentine's Day, do we?

Christal 1:02

We don't cause Valentine's Day, we're actually gonna be doing a marriage conference that day, so that's a good thing. But no, we won't get to celebrate on Valentine's Day. Which do you like Valentine's Day? I know. I feel like Valentine's is so controversial for some reason.

Lennon 1:19

Why do you think it's controversial?

Christal 1:21

We said that word very differently. Did you notice that? I said controversial? And you said controversial. Hmm. Oh, I don't know which way it's right. Probably you're right. Take a crown hole. See who can pronounce things right. Anyways, but. I think I mean, Valentine's Day can be sad for a lot of people if they don't have someone that they're romantically involved with, or maybe they just got dumped, or maybe they just don't like all the hoopla and they feel like it's a Hallmark created,

Lennon 1:50

Sure. It's all commercial. Commercial. It's all about the man trying to squeeze money out of people.

Christal 1:55

What do you think of it though? I, I wanna ask you personally, do you like Valentine's Day?

Lennon 1:59

I do. I mean, for, for us as a married couple, it's one thing whenever you're single, one thing, whenever you're dating, I feel like as a married couple, it's just a good excuse to go have a really fancy dinner.

Christal 2:12

Oh, that's true.

Lennon 2:13

Because we have date nights. Yeah. And date nights can be taco nights. They can be, let's go have some barbecue tonight. No, but Valentine's Day, it's gonna be something special. And so I actually proposed to you we're gonna make up our Valentine's Day on Sunday night. Mm-hmm. So after going to church that day when we get the kids home, we're gonna go out and have our Valentine's Day on the evening of the 15th?

Christal 2:34

which anytime you say steak, I'm there for it. Yes. So I'm, I love Brazilian Steakhouse, but the thing we started to think about when we were contemplating going there was, do we really feel like. Going to church that morning, coming back home, resting. Do we wanna go back to the city, which is a good 45 minute drive to go to, to dinner? Or should we do something more local? That's the conflict right there.

Lennon 3:03

And this is us almost 20 years in. To marriage. We were honest with each other. Like, you know, it would kind of suck to have to do all that driving again to go back to dinner. So you said, is there a place closer to the house we can go? Mm-hmm. There's a great steakhouse in town. Prime one 15. We're gonna do it. Yeah.

Christal 3:19

Can you tell that we're midlife right now? I mean, that's, that's what life is when you're. Maybe even thirties or later, but definitely forties or later. You don't wanna go too far. That's true. You're tired.

Lennon 3:30

That's true. So my friends, however you did Valentine's Day, I hope you did it. And if you're hearing this and you didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, do it late like we did. As you hear this, call your boo and say, Hey, tonight's the night. Let's at least go out somewhere and eat.

Christal 3:46

Do something.

Lennon 3:47

Do something. Mm-hmm. So we are about to do something on this episode, and that is we are going to talk about little things in marriage that make a big difference.

Christal 3:56

It is the little things in life that really make all the difference.

Lennon 4:01

Did you just say back to me exactly what I said to you?

Christal 4:06

I did. I feel like that is like. Something that would be on a card

Lennon 4:11

It does, but good quotes are true for a reason. And so this episode really came out of, it was sparked by a viral reel that. You know, friends, as you listen, you may have seen this reel on Instagram or TikTok, and it was an author named Arthur Arthur C. Brooks, talking about things that can turn around a hurting marriage. Now, Arthur C. Brooks, he's an American social scientist, he teaches at Harvard. He does a lot of work on the subject of happiness and purpose, and so he was talking specifically about the things that can help a hurting marriage, and he gave four, and these four things were so fantastic. Really simple, really helpful. So we're gonna talk about those four things and then give a quick four or five of our own. And that's gonna be the podcast.

Christal 5:02

I like it. All right, so the first thing he did mention was having fun together instead of just focusing on grievances, which really means, you know, sometimes when marriage we're going through a really tough. Moment, a tough situation or we're in therapy or something like that as a couple, and we're trying to deal with our hard stuff. And so it can get really easy, I think, for us to focus on that or hyper focus on it to where all we're doing is the hard work and it's just constant. And we forget to have fun in marriage and to enjoy one another because it can't just be all about that one issue. We really do need to bring in some joy and fun in our marriage.

Lennon 5:49

Yeah, hard things are real, but it, it's like. Anything else that you use that word hyperfocus. If you're to pull a quarter out of your purse and you're to hold it up, you know, you see the quarter and you see everything else, but the more you bring it in to like one of your eyes, that becomes the only thing you can see. Mm-hmm. And so even in the midst of hard times, we wanna be having fun times. And so having fun together is what reminds you that life is hard. Parenthood is hard. Things aren't always rosy. But we really enjoy each other. Yeah. We just have to remember that there's more to our marriage than daily frustrations, so we gotta get out together, manifest an endorphin. Go watch a movie, walk around the park. I don't know what's fun for you friends that are listening, but, but you do and it's important to do some of those things together so that you remember. Oh yeah, we are. We're into each other

Christal 6:44

and there's so many ways to have fun in marriage. We actually did a whole episode just about having fun in marriage. I believe it's episode 13, but we'll put it in the show notes. So there's a link for people if they wanna click on that and just. Just have some ideas on how to have fun. So we won't go into that today, but it is important to have fun. And I just had this memory back when we were living in North Carolina and things were really tough at that time. We were going through really difficult, uh, job ministry season and we had three kids, three and under, and there was just a lot going on. But the thing that I love doing with you and it's so simple, was watching a comedy show? One of our favorite ones, the Office? Mm-hmm. We would would watch that and laugh together and I felt like it helped just lighten the tension, lighten the mood, and so very simple kind of thing to do. But I remember doing that with you and that brought a little joy just to laugh together about something.

Lennon 7:41

Steve Carrell made a big difference in our marriage. He did. Thanks Steve. So have fun together. The second thing that Arthur Seabrooks talked about was learning to connect in prayer. He says this, that the most intimate act of a marriage is not always sex, often, it's actually prayer. Mm. And he uses a sociologist language of this is a way that we fuse the right hemispheres of our brain. I'll leave that to you guys to do a little research on that, but. The point he is making is that praying unites us in a way that nothing else does. And I know, honey, this is a real heartbeat of yours, that a couple that prays together finds a strength that they lack if they just worry side by side.

Christal 8:25

That's right. And prayer is really powerful. Prayer really does bring intimacy into your marriage. I mean, when you pray together, when you're sharing your heart to the Lord together, it, it really draws you closer to one another. Helps remind you that you're really on the same team. And I do think prayer is a form of spiritual warfare, but it's a way to fight together.

Lennon 8:47

And so prayer really does connect you in a very intimate way. I believe there's a guy that we both love named Tim Keller and pastor Tim Keller has gone on to be with the Lord, but in the final year or two of his life, I was listening to an interview with him and he was talking about praying with his bride, Kathy. And he said he was almost a little embarrassed to admit how long it took them before they began to pray together consistently. Mm-hmm. But the, the secret was they would just pray together for a moment before bed.

Christal 9:18

Yeah. It's so simple.

Lennon 9:20

It is. And that's one of the greatest theologians of all time. Right. And so friends, if, if this isn't something you do often, don't beat yourself up about it. Yeah. Just find a way to start.

Christal 9:29

Yeah. Just start and make it simple. Don't overcomplicate it. I love that because I admire Tim Keller very much, and so that makes me feel way better. But it's, it's not about praying for a whole hour together. Really start simple and start before bed. I love that. I think that's a great way to do it.

Lennon 9:46

It is uncomplicated. Great starting point. The third thing Arthur gives us is to increase eye contact when talking to your spouse. Look each other in the eyes when you're talking, and he makes the point of saying, this is extra important for women. He says it's more important for your wife than it is for you because she gets three times more oxytocin, which is a bonding chemical, in situations like this. And because she flourishes with that more, he says she also feels the lack of it more when things like eye contact and communication are not happening. Mm-hmm. And so my question for you is, is that true?

Christal 10:29

I think it's true.

Lennon 10:30

Do you feel that,

Christal 10:31

I mean, I think it's true. I haven't sat and analyzed when I look into your eyes if my oxytocin is going up, but I would guess that that's probably happening. Yeah. I mean, I love looking at your eyes though. Your eyes were the one of the things that drew me to you in the first place.

10:45

Girl, can I just say that? Yeah. But I think it's really important because if you're with somebody and you're talking to them and they don't really look at you, you kind of wonder, first of all, are they even interested in me? Right. Or what I'm saying? But also, are they being dodgy? Like, can I trust this personship? Yeah. I don't know. I feel it. When I look in your eyes and we're talking, I do feel like we're way more connected. Totally unexpected. That while we're talking about looking into each other's eyes. Right now, I'm 45. We've been married almost 20 years. I feel like really shy. Like I need to look away. Really? Yeah. Like, like we're in sixth grade or something like that. And I'm looking at you across the classroom. That's crazy. So, so this chemistry even right now, even right now, so look at each other in the eyes. It is, it is really important. Like you're married to a person. Yeah. And when they're talking to you, honor them with. Focus. Yeah. With looking at them in in the eye. Yeah. So the fourth one is a BT. Always be touching. I love that. It's something really easy to remember and to always think about, but always be touching. Wherever you are walking down the road, maybe you're going on a walk, Driving in the car, wherever you're at, you can always be touching. So I'm curious because you are a physical touch person and I am not, that's not high on my list. I like to, have a connection by holding your hand, but so what if you're not a physical touch person? Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure Sir Arthur would tell us here that there's some permission to play within these, within these principles. Uh, but, uh, like he points out just like the, the third one about. Making eye contact mm-hmm. Is generally more important to women. He says that this one is generally more important to men, that men are extra responsive whenever their wives are physically touching them. And I know this is big for me. You mentioned I'm a physical touch guy, so whenever we're sitting on the bed watching a movie or something, I'm usually going to reach out over to, to your hand or to your leg at some point. Because I am a physical touch person, but I know that whenever you reach over and initiate, or maybe you'll reach behind my neck and start to massage my neck or something like that, that really, really makes me happy. Yeah. And so it makes me feel very connected to you yeah. Always be touching. Enjoy physical touch. Okay, so from Arthur C. Brooks, those are four little things that he feels can turn around almost any relationship. A few things that we would add, a fifth thing, if you will, one would be little acts of service. Just little things that we do for one another are pretty important. Yeah, for me, that kind of stuff makes me think that you were thinking of me, and that means a whole lot to me. So one of the ways that you did this for me this week, uh, I was, I was outta town speaking and so on Tuesday I had a speaking engagement in one city and then I left that city to drive to South Texas to have another one that night. And so I got back home after one o'clock in the morning on Wednesday. I'm usually the one that drives the kids to school. You pick them up from school, but the little thing you did was you just let me sleep and you took care of it. I was so wiped out, so exhausted. You easily could have said, well, this is what you do. This is your part. You can relax afterwards, but you just took that duty for me that morning. It blessed me in the hugest way. I'm glad it blessed you so much because to me, I felt like you sacrificed for our family and you're working hard. Why would I not sacrifice too, or you know, Maybe someone's listening and they're in a marriage where they feel like they're the only ones sacrificing, but I do feel like it's still worth it, even if they're not doing it. For you to do those acts of service, those kind things for them is really a loving thing to do. I know you don't feel like you can speak for every woman in the world. Mm-hmm. But for a husband who might be listening, saying, that doesn't come easy to me. Like, where do I start? Mm-hmm. Like, what's a little thing that I could do for my wife? What kind of encouragement might you give us? Yeah. I don't know if it's just woman specific. I, I did hear, this was interesting when we were at our marriage conference last weekend, we asked our audience, so what are some of the things that your spouse does for you that just really make you happy or make you smile? There was a lot of people out there who said, their spouse would bring them coffee or make the coffee or one of the ladies said, my husband, when I leave for work, he hugs me and prays for me and just all these little things. You could tell they were huge to the people who were sharing them. And for a wife, I think anything, I mean, you can do that. You may think it's really little or insignificant, but it really. Kind and thoughtful. And if you see her struggling maybe, or having a hard day, you pick up the slack for something anything. Bringing a cup of coffee is huge or bring in their favorite tea or their favorite drink. That's mm-hmm. Huge. I mean, even Jesus said that in the Bible he did. And Jesus is always right. He's always right. Okay, so the next thing that we would say. Uh, a little thing that makes marriage work well is specific words of encouragement. Encouragement doesn't mean as much coming from anyone else in your life as it does your spouse. Words that anyone might say to the person you love pale in comparison to what you would say. Mm-hmm. And so this is also what words of encouragement. I think, honey, this is also a safeguard for a marriage. You can't let your husband or wife get more affirmation and encouragement. At the workplace or anywhere else than they do at home, right? Or from a boss. It needs to come most from you. How important are those words of encouragement, like building each other up? I appreciate what you're doing as a mom. I notice what you do around the house. Mm-hmm. Why does that matter so much? I think we're also our, our own worst critic a lot of times. So we mentally are critical of ourselves and to hear someone saying, you're doing a good job, or Thank you for doing this, or Honey, you look beautiful. I mean, another thing I think we can get outta the habit, it's just telling our spouse those things, or especially for husbands to wives saying, you look beautiful.

Christal 17:07

I love that dress on you. Anything complimentary to her, sometimes you don't let'em outta your mouth. Right?

17:15

Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the most important things I think us, as guys can realize, is that some of the things that our wives most need to hear from us are things that we assume. Of course, she knows. Of, of course. I think she's beautiful. Mm-hmm. Of course I love her. No, we need to vocalize those kind of things. Yeah. Because it's hearing it, that is, it's, it's not knowing it. Mm-hmm. That matters. It's hearing it afresh that matters.

Christal 17:40

I know you told me before it really means a lot to you when I tell you thank you for what you do for our family. Yeah. Thank you for working so hard. I see what you do and it can help our husbands know that we do see what what they sacrifice.

17:56

So I think it's important to say that every now and then, instead of being critical, because I think in some ways we are, we can become too critical of one another and we don't wanna become that. Or maybe we have been critical lately and we need to realize, okay, I need. Say some things that are really kind and good right now. No, no, that's really good. Yeah. Encouragement over, over criticism, encouragement's, gotta outweigh criticism by a whole lot. Mm-hmm. By a whole lot. So specific words of encouragement. That's something that's a little thing that can make a marriage work. And then number seven, just, we talk about this all the time, but we talk about it because we do it and because we've seen the power in our relationship. A little thing that makes marriage work is a consistent date night. Right. And we also have a episode on date nights that I'll link here if you wanna go deeper into that. But date nights are just a good way to say, I'm setting aside time in my week, my month, however, often you go on date nights, it's saying, I'm putting aside other things and putting you as a priority. And I Want it to be just about me and you right now. So, date nights are so important That's good. So two final things. We want to encourage you friends to kiss one another. Goodnight. Yeah, it's a little thing. Makes a big difference. Kissing Goodnight. I think that's like a Hobby Lobby poster or Hobby lobby son. Always kiss goodnight. Yes. You always hear that. It's so true though. We've, we need to connect one more time before we sleep. You know, this is really, maybe really sad to think about. I don't know why my brain is going here, but what if your spouse is not there the next morning? I mean. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but that's really like, why not? No, let's just edit that out. Nevermind. No, we should. We should go with that. He's what if the next morning you wake up and they're not moving and they're cold? You know, we're not promised another day to love our spouse. I can't stop laughing. I mean, I had the thought, I think this is a wife thing, but I had the thought this morning, early in the morning, I woke up and you're not a quiet sleeper and I could not hear you breathing. Oh, no. I almost did the test where I put my finger up under the nose, Uhhuh Uhhuh. I kept myself from doing that. I held it together, but anyways, I dunno. What if you didn't wake up before? What if I didn't wake up? Okay, friends. So kiss your spouse goodnight. Okay. We read ourselves to sleep. Pro tip. Sometimes I'll kiss you goodnight a while before I say goodnight.'cause sometimes I get extra tired. Yeah, you do. And to sit up and roll over and sort of wakes me up again. Well, sometimes we just fall asleep reading our Kindles. Because guys, we have, we both have kindles that light up so we can turn off the lamps and we can both go to bed reading, which is our favorite way to go to bed. Yes, it is. And so we don't wanna just fall asleep with our Kindle in our hand and never say goodnight. So sometimes before we get tired, we just say goodnight. Go get a kiss each other, kiss, make sure we have a kiss before we go to sleep, and then we can fall asleep. Kiss each other. Goodnight. And then the last thing, the last little tool that we want to give you is, is the ten second hug. Mm-hmm. Make it a habit within your relationship. Say the first time you see each other in the day, or maybe the first time you see each other, at the end of the day, you get home from work when you see one another. Don't just give each other a hug. A little bit of rub on the back. A little. Pat. Pat. Okay. That's good. No. Embrace each other for a good 10 seconds. Honey, why 10 seconds Doesn't seem like a long time, but when you actually do it, you're like, wow, this is a lot longer than I would think, Uhhuh. But what it does for you is it will actually initiate the release of oxytocin, which is your love hormone, and that reduces stress and promotes that sense of calm and connection. It also reduces cortisol levels, which who doesn't need their cortisol to drop when you're living in the world we live in. So it, it just helps connect you and, just helps you feel more in love and relaxed, right? It does. When you feel more in love and relaxed, that will enhance the mood of your whole home. If you have kids, this will enhance their experience as well. Mm, because mom and dad are into each other. Mom and dad are relaxed. They're having fun, and it keeps you connected emotionally. In the midst of, of really daily pressures. I mean, it's so difficult to walk in the house, stressed out, and then you've come from work responsibilities. You jump right into home responsibilities, and I'm glad I have this roommate here who helps pay the bills and clean the house. But it's not just a roommate that you have, it's, it's a lover. If you wanna know more about the power of the ten second hug, we really do have a great little tool that we've created. It's free if you go to home and marriage.com/connect. We have a PDF that we created called the ten two Connection. We need to wrap up the show here, so I'm not gonna unpack what the two means, but this is a great tool that can help you have with, about two minutes of effort a day, a better marriage by Friday. I really do believe that. Well, that was a fun episode. I enjoyed talking about those things'cause it helped me remember just some things that we can do every day that helps us feel more connected. And so I think it's true. These little things really do make a huge difference, in our marriages. And you may be in a spot, right now where your marriage is in a tough place to start doing these little things. You might really surprise your spouse by doing them. But they really make a difference and they really matter. They do. Grand gestures are overrated. It's the little daily stuff that makes a marriage. So friends don't forget to follow or subscribe, so you never miss an episode. We drop new ones every Tuesday, the. And if the show helped you today, would you share it with someone else that it can help? You can also visit home in marriage.com for more resources like our course, and if you'd like us to come and speak at your church or event, you can schedule us through our website. You can also follow along on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok throughout the week. All those links are in the show notes.

Christal 24:23

Thank you for joining us on the Home and Marriage Podcast. We really do believe that home can be your favorite place. We'll be back again next week with more encouragement and wisdom to help you become better at home and stronger together.