The Silent Drift Happening in Many Marriages

Have you ever looked at your marriage and realized… “We’re not as close as we used to be”?

In this episode, we’re talking about the silent drift that can happen in marriage — the slow disconnection that often happens long before couples realize how far apart they’ve become. We discuss the warning signs of drifting, why even good marriages go through seasons like this, and the everyday habits that can slowly pull couples apart.

We also share personal moments from our own marriage, practical ways to reconnect emotionally and physically, and simple intentional habits that can help bring closeness back again.

If you’ve been feeling distant, disconnected, or just not as connected as you once were, this conversation is for you.

Your marriage isn’t hopeless. Drift doesn’t have to become disaster. Connection can be rebuilt.

In this episode:
• Signs your marriage may be drifting
• Why busy seasons often create distance
• The dangers of checking out emotionally
• How phones, stress, and distractions affect connection
• Simple ways to reconnect again
• The “10/2 Connection” habit for couples

Transcript

Lennon 0:02

This is the Home and Marriage podcast with Lennon and Christal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger together. We are husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home and for yours. Well, hello, friends. Welcome to the show today. We're so glad that you're with us. Uh, it is a beautiful day, and it is beautiful not just because the sun is shining and it's a nice day outside. It's beautiful because the school year's almost over.

Christal 0:31

This is the last week of school for all three of our kids. Our oldest is actually, it's the last week of high school forever for her.

Lennon 0:39

It is.

Christal 0:40

Which brings a lot of emotions, a lot of things up, right?

Lennon 0:43

It does. You know, she has two graduations. She had a graduation a few days ago, her first ceremony with her associate's degree, which is a very cool thing that she's accomplished as a high school student. So we had this trial run of being a part of watching her walk the stage and hearing her name called, and that was really special, but I know the big one- Yeah coming up this week, this Thursday. That one, I mean, I teared up at the first one. Uh-huh. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna sob at the second one. What do you think?

Christal 1:14

Yeah, I don't know what to expect, honestly. I've been preparing for this moment for a while now, especially this last semester of her high school career. Um- Ha- I've had little moments where out of nowhere, teared up just caught me off guard. I didn't realize I was gonna get so emotional. So I don't know what's gonna happen at graduation night. I'm hoping I've cried enough to where it won't be too bad. I'm trying to get it out more so that night it won't be like a, I won't be a mess.

Lennon 1:40

You've had a little bit of practice for the emotional moments. I don't know if it's been good for you or bad for you. Because You've done this Senior Sunday thing. Every Sunday you've made a post of showing a picture of her whenever she was younger. Tell me, has that been like, "I'm gearing up for saying goodbye," or have you been, like, punishing yourself with- No emotion unnecessarily?

Christal 2:01

This is the way I think, for me, is healthy to recognize what's happening. 'Cause I think the unhealthy way for me would be to kind of be in denial, and then all of a sudden, oh my gosh, she's leaving. So I, I'm doing this in a way, I think it helps me. And I think some moms, it just helps them, like, "Oh look. Look at how when they were little they were in this phase, and now they're here." So for me it's been good, and I think it's, I think it's helpful. I don't think it's torture. It's hard at times, but it's good for my soul.

Lennon 2:33

And this last week was your final Senior Sunday post. Mm-hmm. Of course, you, who knows, maybe you'll do, maybe you'll do just one extra this coming week after the graduation. But I tell you what, your post got me. Oh. Little, little picture of when we were at the beach whenever she was little. Yes. And she's standing there against some white railing with that ocean in the background, and oh man.

Christal 2:52

She's so beautiful. Oh my gosh. Darling. She's such a cute little girl.

Lennon 2:56

Yeah.

Christal 2:56

Yeah. Yeah. Well, here, for all you parents out there that it's your last week of school, you might not even be going through a graduation, but hey, I just wanna say congratulations. You made it to the end of the school year, whatever school year that is for your kid. And hey, one good thing that comes out of this is no more dr- school drop-offs and pickups for a while. Yeah. Right?

Lennon 3:18

Yeah. And that's gonna be really nice, and we're gonna enjoy that. And then, like all parents eventually, we'll be like, "When do I get to drop these kids off and pick them up again at the end of the day?" Really? Well, you know, sometimes summer- can be pretty crazy. Kids are at home all eating all the time. Oh, when are we

Christal 3:36

gonna g- I see what you're saying. When are we gonna get these kids out of the house and doing their thing for a while? I g- I get it, yeah.

Lennon 3:41

You know what? There's no need- to live in the future. Let's enjoy the present.

Christal 3:45

All right. But- Well, today we are talking more on the marriage end of things, I think a lot of couples deal with at one point in their marriage or another, and that's the silent drift That happens in marriages, just the drifting away, It's not a all of a sudden thing, but you just realize, wow, we are not close like we used to be. We have been really drifting apart. And there's a lot of reasons for this, um, and I think it's pretty common for marriages. What do you think?

Lennon 4:13

I do think it's common. and sometimes we find out that it's happening in the marriage of somebody we know, and we only find out that it's happening whenever y- you find out they're in crisis. Mm. Or maybe you see a surprise post. Somebody, you were at their wedding years ago, and now they're, they're getting divorced. And so things like that are really disheartening. And for sure, like, long before the big we're done moment came, they were drifting apart from each other in marriage.

Speaker 3 4:42

Yeah. And

Lennon 4:42

that's what you hear sometimes where someone's like, "Our marriage was over a long time before it was really over. We weren't the same anymore. We weren't connecting." Like, those drift, the drift thing is, is, is real. And so you wanna catch it long before you get to a disaster point.

Christal 5:00

You know, even really good marriages can have this happen. Yes. It's not even marriages that started off rough or people who just have a hard time getting along. I mean, it really can happen to really good marriages. And so I think that's why it's so important for us to talk about this because none of us are exempt from drifting.

Lennon 5:18

No.

Christal 5:19

Right? So, so there's some really good things that we can do. And it's good to talk about this so we can recognize if we are drifting or maybe just encouraging couples to to keep from drifting.

Lennon 5:32

Yeah. Let me, let me ask you. I mean, in a podcast appropriate way. Mm-hmm. Have you ever felt like in our relationship we are not close right now, we, we are not connected? I know that the answer's yes. I know the answer's yes.

Christal 5:47

Yeah. Yeah. Because I

Lennon 5:48

remember some times like that, but what do you, what do you think?

Christal 5:50

Yeah. I really have one specific time where I felt like we had drifted. And it wasn't even, I wouldn't say it was a long period of time. It was just a time period after the kids. The kids were young, and I think we got through a lot of different hard seasons, which I think we're gonna talk about later on how this can happen to couples pretty easily. But the kids, you know, when you're raising little kids, and you're trying to get that sleep, and you're trying to get routines, and there's a lot of changes that come with that. And so at this point of our marriage, I don't know if you, if you're on the same page of when this was, if you know what I'm talking about. But I remember having a conversation with you in a hotel room one night, and I was like, "I don't feel like we're close anymore. I feel like we've drifted apart, our connection is not there like it used to be, and I can feel it, and I know it's happened." And I really think it was mainly to do with just the seasons that we had just gone through or we were going through.

Speaker 3 6:53

Yeah.

Christal 6:53

Just tough seasons and a lot going on, and I could sense it. I think when I first brought it up to you, I don't think you were thinking it was that bad.

Lennon 7:04

It's, uh, the... And that's very, that's very manly of me. Yeah. Not- Well, it's very

Christal 7:08

common. Yeah Yeah. Well,

Lennon 7:09

not to assume that I represent the entire male species, but as, as men, and certainly just me myself- Yeah I am much slower to realize relationship tension than you are. Mm-hmm. And sometimes, uh, there's a song that we used to joke about a lot. It's, remember that song by Pink, and she's singing with, uh, gosh, I think his name is Nate something. But the song is called We Can Learn to Love Again, and she's singing about how distant they are- Mm-hmm and everything. And then he comes in, and his exact lines are, "I'm sorry. I don't understand where all of this is coming from. I thought that we were fine."

Christal 7:48

Mm-hmm. And I'm

Lennon 7:49

pretty good at that- not to brag. Well,

Christal 7:51

I think that's just a common thing for one person in the relationship, usually the husband, not always, but may not recognize how much they have drifted apart or that the connection is not what it used to be. And, and here's the truth about marriage. It's not like you feel fire... What do you call it? I'm thinking of the fire emoji. You're, it's not like you're feeling 24/7 goosebumps all the time, and some- Right seasons are much more just like on the mountaintop. Not that that's a bad marriage. It's just every marriage will have seasons that you go through. You mean

Lennon 8:28

like valley seasons? Valleys or- Yeah just,

Christal 8:31

just more dry seasons at times. Yes. And I think that that is just because of life, and it's not like you're a bad person. I really don't think this always is the deal because one dramatic, horrible thing happened. Do you? No. It's not like that.

Lennon 8:46

No. I, I don't think that. I don't think that at all. And something I wanna say before we go into the little things that can happen Is whenever you told me that you were feeling distant, it can never be the right response in a moment like that for me to tell you that we are fine.

Christal 9:03

Oh, right.

Lennon 9:04

So in, in our marriages, if one of us is feeling d- if both of us are feeling distant, let's acknowledge that. But if only one of us is, the other person who would say things are going fine, we really do need to listen right there. That's a really important moment.

Christal 9:19

Yeah, you really can't dismiss that- when someone brings it up. It's a... To me, that's a little signal of like, "Oh, I need to pay attention right now to what's happening." If they're saying that, something needs to probably change, or we need to get on the same page about how we are connecting and what we need to do about it.

Lennon 9:36

What do you feel like are some of the warning signs that, that you're starting to drift apart?

Christal 9:41

Yeah, I really think it's the little things like maybe you're not talking as much or communicating or having that eye contact type conversation. You're not dating one another anymore. You're not really planning on going on dates again. Your physical intimacy, like having sex, is a lot less. Now, here's the thing about that. There's different reasons that that could be happening. Yeah. But I think that lack of physical intimacy, if you notice that sex is just not on the agenda- Like it should be. Yeah. And that should be really is up to you and your spouse.

Speaker 3 10:16

Yeah. But

Christal 10:16

you notice that's been a big change. Mm-hmm. I think that's a good sign that something is not, you're, you may be drifting apart a little bit.

Lennon 10:25

Yeah.

Christal 10:26

What do you think? What are some other things that stick out to you?

Lennon 10:29

Yeah, I think whenever there's a kind of a simmering annoyance with- Oh, yeah each other, like you're frustrated with any- anything. Like a little thing gets on your nerves in a really big way. Yeah. Being frustrated or just feeling apathetic, that's a big one. I feel like you're really wanting to laugh at me right now. No, I'm

Christal 10:47

laughing about that simmering annoyance because I'm also thinking, "Or that's perimenopause," but not really. Yeah. No, it, it, it can be a thing when that's consistent where you're constantly getting on each other's nerves and-

Speaker 3 11:00

Yeah

Christal 11:00

so I think it could be that, like perimenopause, or maybe there is something else going on. I think that's a really good sign, though. If that's happening and you don't normally have that issue, it could mean that there's something else, just that you're not connected like you, you should be. Yeah.

Lennon 11:16

Yeah, and I think on the other end of, of feeling annoyed with each other or really frustrated or being volatile is just being apathetic. Mm. Just not caring, not wanting to engage, and like I think these feelings are sometimes, they end up being fueled by habits. Like, there are little things that can really contribute to a drift. You know, we have a friend, of course, who's a, a therapist in Fort Worth, Texas, and so one of the things that she mentioned to us is- Mm there are three issues that she is seeing really commonly with couples- that are driving really big wedges between them, and one is weed, just marijuana use- Yeah gummies- Yeah smoking, whatever. Um, the other one was gaming, and then the third one was throuples. Bringing a third person into the relationship. All of those things can be incredibly destructive. We'll leave it to someone else to address throuples. I'm just going to, to hope that we're not having to help anyone untangle a throuple- Yeah, right in their relationship right now. But I know these other things like weed and spending too much time on video games, these are, um- More common than they should be

Christal 12:25

Yeah. I would wanna add to that, I'm not a therapist, but just from what we have talked to couples about, and it's so much more common as an issue, would be porn. When that's in your thought life- Yes and that's in your bedroom or whatever it is Oh, will destroy a marriage for sure. But I do think when someone is involved in porn, that that's gonna affect your intimacy and your connection and all the stuff. Yes. You know, it will cause you to drift for sure. Yes.

Lennon 12:56

And I, I, I would bet a million dollars that before a person was ever invited into a couple's bedroom, that porn was probably present- Mm-hmm in one or both- Yeah of their lives. So but the thing is, each of these things are... They're all, they're all distractions from connecting together. I mean, weed, alcohol use, this is about numbing and checking out. It's hard to live life as one with somebody whenever you're trying not to feel anything. Gaming, if you're stuck in front of a screen for hours, you don't wanna be distracted. It's not just that you're away from your spouse or your children when you're at work. When you're home, you're not really home- Mm because you're playing Call of Duty with the homies. Or I'm not just assuming this is a guy problem, but we really can check out and be unavailable to each other.

Christal 13:45

Well, that's making me think of the phone. I mean, when you're sitting on the couch together and you both have your phones and you're sitting there for an hour and you don't really say a word to one another, but you are, you know, scrolling endlessly. I mean, so many of us are guilty of this. And in marriages I think especially we can get very just used to having our phone even when we're together, and instead of putting the phone down and looking at each other and talking about our day, you know, we just sit by each other and scroll. Yes. I, listen, I do love when we watch some reels together and laugh. Yes. It's a little bit better with connection, I mean, at least. Yeah. But I would say if we're, only on our phones and we're not really talking, then that's probably taking away from that time that we could be talking together and connecting and working on some stuff with, with each other.

Lennon 14:39

Yeah. Do you think that sometimes we want to check out because there are just so many things going on that are causing, like, pressure and busyness?

Christal 14:47

Oh, definitely. I mean, goodness, when you have, like we talked about earlier, when you have little kids or you have a baby that you finally put down for a nap and you're exhausted, you don't always wanna spend your time trying to connect and make the effort, because it is an effort to be more intimate together or to share. You usually, your human nature, you would just wanna, like, take a nap or-

Lennon 15:11

Yes

Christal 15:12

lay down and, and, and look on your phone or something. So I think certain stages in parenthood can really make it harder or make it much easier to drift. Um, also just, goodness, what about careers, like people's jobs? We have these stressful times in our jobs that when we come home we may not want to connect. It might be very hard to do that.

Lennon 15:34

Yeah. If you're like, "The boss has been on me all day," or, "I- I'm peopled out. I'm peopled out," and that includes, "I don't wanna talk to, I don't wanna talk to my spouse right now or my kids." And what can really happen is we start dealing with our emotions and our frustrations entirely separate from- Yeah this other person that we're sharing life with. And that sort of leaves the other person guessing. Yeah. "Why don't they want to connect with me? What's really going on here?" Right. "Is there something, is there something big going on here that I don't know about?" Uh, we end up both suffering, but separately- Yeah instead of dealing with hard times together.

Christal 16:12

Yeah. And this is just making me think that, first of all, drifting is an easy thing. This is not something we have to work on doing. It's an easy, natural thing to do. And so to counteract that, you have to put in the effort and the intentionality to not drift and to stay connected. Yeah. So I'm just, I'm just saying, thinking about all these things that we've all dealt with at some time or another, it is easy to drift.

Lennon 16:40

Yeah. we mentioned whenever you sort of, you opened your heart to me that night in the hotel room and let me know how you were feeling, and I don't recall taking that particularly well in that moment, to be honest. It's something that I hope that I've grown in to this point, that I would handle that differently today because we've learned some things now that we didn't necessarily know then. But where would you say that a couple should start? Say there's someone who's listening to this, and probably she, but say he or she is thinking, "Yeah, that's us."

Speaker 3 17:13

Yeah.

Lennon 17:14

That's us." And I don't know if they feel the same way, but where would you encourage them to start?

Christal 17:19

Well, I think it's what we just talked about, what I did, and not that I was great at it. Honestly, probably the way I brought it up was way more emotional and hurt than I would want to communicate. But I think being able to bring it up and starting to communicate about that. So if you're, if you're a spouse and you feel it, you feel, "We've drifted. We are not close like we used to be. We're getting to a place where this is just, it's gonna hurt us really bad, or something bad could happen," um, I would say go, go open that conversation to your spouse. And here's how I would say for wives to do that. Not that you can't be hurt, and not that you're not sad about it, or maybe you feel kind of neglected. It doesn't mean that person intentionally was trying to do that. So I would say present your feelings in a way of, "This is how I feel. I'm not trying to accuse you, but this is what I feel is happening in our marriage, and I don't want that to happen, so what can we do to get back to where we were, where we're more connected?"

Lennon 18:23

Yeah. I think that's really great. That's kind of a ninja level encouragement, because that will work much better with a husband- Yeah than, uh, what may be tr- a, a true representation of a wife's feelings might be, "You don't even look at me or care about me anymore." And he may be giving you every reason to feel that way. Yeah. But what you just described is a way that he is more likely to say, "Oh, okay." And hopefully he's gonna try to help you with your feelings- Yeah instead of defend himself and tell you why you're wrong.

Christal 18:54

Yeah, I don't want wives to like say, "Hey, I heard a podcast today about couples that drift, and listen, buddy, we're in a bad spot," and, you know, get into fear- Yeah and get into too much of that. Like, there is a way to talk to your spouse about it that would get a much better reaction or willingness to want to connect again and, and bring that back to that place. So yeah, you don't wanna go about it that way. I think it just, it just tends to be harder to resolve.

Lennon 19:23

Yeah. I think that- Whether the initiation is coming from a wife or a husband- Mm-hmm you want to approach this like any other problem you could have in your relationship. You want to address this as a problem that you need to solve together, not as you are destroying this marriage- Mm. Yeah and if you would just listen to me. And so this idea of you're trying to restore some emotional intimacy and bring some, bring some connection back to your marriage, it's gonna take being intentional.

Speaker 3 19:57

Yeah.

Lennon 19:57

So what are some things that you think need to be kind of restored in this situation? Or maybe for a while we really need to lean into, communicating and prioritize connection. What can that look like?

Christal 20:09

Mm-hmm. You- we talk about the 10/2 connection, and that's a really simple way to start, and it r- and you could get that on our website. If you go to homeandmarriage.com\connect, you're gonna find it there. But it, just to give a brief explanation-

Lennon 20:25

Yeah, let's describe it. Yeah. I think that'd actually be a great way to wrap this up.

Christal 20:28

Okay. Well, it's really just that physical contact, that hug, um, and not pulling away for at least 10 seconds.

Speaker 3 20:36

Yeah.

Christal 20:37

Cause you start to feel it, and you, you talk about what this does to your brain when you're connecting in this way.

Lennon 20:44

Yeah, this is one of the most popular scientific things that is out there, known to a lot of people, is the effect that holding a physical hug has on a couple. Yeah. You, you... What can happen is, especially when we're really feeling disconnected or we have a tendency to rush this kind of stuff, that you hug, pat, pat, pat, and then you walk away- Mm-hmm and say, "Boy, am I beat," you know? But it's this idea that whether it's in the morning or maybe the first time you see each other in the afternoon, to lean into each other for six, eight, you know, 10 seconds or so, and just hold onto each other. If you're married, you ain't hugging anybody else in your life like that. You better

Christal 21:25

not be. Yeah. And

Lennon 21:27

just that, that simple thing of an extended hug, it gives you this physical reminder of, oh my gosh, this is my person. Yeah. Also, this is kinda great. Why don't we, why don't we do this? Yeah. And we're saying, make this a habit. Like, for a while, treat this like drinking water. This is something we're gonna do every day.

Christal 21:45

Yeah. Can I add to that? Yeah. I say after you're getting good at that, to really move into kissing more. 'Cause you know what? Yeah. It's the same thing. If you haven't been good at kissing your spouse, what tends to happen is, wow, why don't we do this more? Or why haven't we done- Yes this today yet? So that is so important, I think, too.

Lennon 22:05

It is. It is. So start with a hug. Uh-huh. At, at least, at least start there. But yeah, practice, practice kissing again. But like not, not a quick peck, but hang with it for two or three seconds, and you're gonna remember something physically that, "Oh yeah, we're really attracted to this person." But we call it the 10 and two thing. Mm-hmm. So the 10th second, it's a ten-second hug- Yeah and then what is the two?

Christal 22:29

So the two is about having those two questions that you ask about each other's day, which also puts you in a position where you're looking at one another talking. Yes. You're having real communication. And the two questions really need to be things that you, you show that you're listening, you were listening to them, or you know what's going on in their life. So you might ask them, like, "How was that meeting with your boss today?" Yes. "Did that go well?" Or, you know, "How, how did it go with so-and-so's doctor's appointment?"

Speaker 3 23:00

Yeah.

Christal 23:00

Just Having those specific questions showing, "I'm paying attention to your life, and I wanna know how you're doing and what happened in your day."

Speaker 3 23:09

Yep.

Christal 23:10

And so just having that to start is a really good place. It's simple. You don't have to have, like, a an hour-long conversation unless you really want to.

Lennon 23:17

Yeah.

Christal 23:18

But it can connect you and keep you connected through each day.

Lennon 23:23

It really can. And the, the magic behind the two thing, I mean, you ask whatever questions you want to, but kind of the idea is that you ask a question that is unique to them. Like you said, you describe the scenario. So that meeting with your boss, how did it go? "Oh, it went pretty good. He, he was... You know, he gave me some encouragement." And then a follow-up question. Mm-hmm. "I'm gl- You work really hard. I'm glad that he did." Mm-hmm. Like, how did that make you feel? what you're reminding each other of is that you're interested in each other, and you're good at connecting. Yeah. And things may go on beyond this, but the reason that you wanna do something like this daily and make it an exercise for a while, especially if you've been drifting, is it just, it normalizes physical connection and conversation, and it takes the awkward out of it. Mm-hmm. And whenever you're drifting, you can feel awkward doing the most basic things. You don't need to feel awkward.

Christal 24:18

Yeah. That's right. Yeah it's just showing intentionality. And here's what I will say, too. I mean, our Six Habits of Healthy Couples course is great for couples that have drifted- Yes or they're headed that way, or they can sense, "Hey, we are not close like we used to be." It doesn't even mean you have to be in a crisis, but it will reignite that flame when you do these habits. It reignites it. It brings you closer together. Some of these things we may think, "Oh, I know that," but then we haven't really done or implemented in our marriage in a long time.

Lennon 24:51

Yeah, that's right. I mean, that's the whole heart of what we do with Home and Marriage- Yeah is trying to help people close the gap between the marriage they have and the marriage they want. And so friends, in closing, we've kinda given you two things that you could do here. One for absolutely free, homeandmarriage.com/connect if you want this, uh, PDF, this 10/2 connection thing. And then there at homeandmarriage.com also, you can find the course. If you do want something to go through with your spouse for less than the cost of a date night, you have about an hour and a half of content, some great follow-up questions. And if you go to buy the course, there's a code that you can use as a listener to the podcast, PODCAST20, that'll knock 20 bucks off of the price there and give you guys a tool that you can enjoy. Above all, the message of today is that if you're feeling like you're drifting from each other, it doesn't have to stay that way. You're not weird. Your marriage isn't hopeless. You guys didn't make a mistake. Things can get better. The Lord is with you, and things can get better. So friends, don't forget to follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. We drop new ones every Tuesday. If today's conversation encouraged you, would you please take a minute and share this episode with someone you know? It really helps people find the show and join the community. You can visit homeandmarriage.com for more resources like our Six Habits of Happy Couples course. And if you'd like us to come speak at your church or event, you can schedule us through the website. You can also follow along on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. All those links are in the show notes.

Christal 26:26

Thank you for joining us on the Home and Marriage podcast. We really do believe that home can be your favorite place. We'll be back again next week with more encouragement and wisdom to help you become better at home and stronger together.