Things In Marriage That Get Better With Time

When you first get married, it's easy to focus on the challenges ahead. You know there will be disagreements, hard seasons, and unexpected struggles. But what if some of the very best parts of marriage are still waiting for you years down the road?

In this encouraging episode, we share five areas of marriage that we've personally seen grow stronger after more than 20 years together. From a deeper friendship and richer romance to greater intimacy, better communication, and a growing appreciation for one another, we're talking about the beautiful ways marriage can mature over time.

Whether you're newly married or have been together for decades, this conversation is a reminder that healthy marriages don't just survive—they can thrive and become more meaningful with each passing year.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why friendship is the foundation of a lasting marriage
• How romance can become more meaningful over time
• The difference between intimacy and physical connection
• Communication habits that improve with experience
• Learning to appreciate your spouse's strengths and growth
• Why marriage can become richer and deeper as the years go by

If you're looking for hope, encouragement, and practical wisdom for your marriage, this episode is for you.

Transcript

Lennon 0:00

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast with Lennon and Crystal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger together. We are husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home and for yours Well, hello friends. Welcome to the show today. We hope it's a good summer so far for, for you, but as for us, we have experienced this week a bit of a, a bit of a summer bummer- if you will.

Christal 0:28

I like that phrase, summer bummer.

Lennon 0:30

Why, so- It really

Christal 0:30

fits our situation. It

Lennon 0:32

does. Why don't you tell our friends what happened?

Christal 0:34

Well, so as you guys know, a couple weeks ago we, we, we're talking about on the podcast that we'll be going on a summer vacation with the kids, and we're looking forward to it and all... yada, yada, whatever you call it. And unfortunately, we have a car situation. So we have one car that is large enough for our whole family- Yeah of five. Yeah. With three teenagers with very long legs. And so we, that car is the car that we're gonna use on vacation to go to Missouri. Well, it has some kind of issue, a wheel bearing,

Lennon 1:11

It does. So I took it to our mechanic, the, the trusty Doug, who said, "Yes, you have a wheel bearing going out." Yeah. "I would not take this vehicle on a vacation." Mm-hmm. And so our vacation budget turned into our car maintenance budget.

Christal 1:26

Yeah, so guys, what all that means is that we are not going on our vacation. We do have a trip with our oldest for her graduation, so we, we are looking forward to that with just her. Um, but for our whole family, that is TBD.

Lennon 1:43

Yes, TBD. We will figure it out. So that's our summer bummer, but today's show is not a bummer.

Christal 1:50

Right.

Lennon 1:50

Because we actually wanna talk about something great about marriage, and that is that there are certain things about marriage that can get better with time. I think that it's one of the things that everybody starts to realize as you get further along in marriage. You begin to realize that not everybody makes it. Mm-hmm. We've been married- Mm-hmm about 20 years, and through those 20 years, uh, we've seen friends or just old acquaintances who had gotten married themselves. Uh, we've seen that, of course, not everybody makes it, and big dreams can end up in pain and in separation. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes that can be really discouraging. It's always really sobering- Mm because it shows that, I mean, everybody, we teach this, nobody says, "For better or worse, until death do us part," without meaning it.

Christal 2:41

Right.

Lennon 2:42

Everybody- Right everybody means it.

Christal 2:43

That's true.

Lennon 2:44

And so we never wanna take marriage for granted.

Christal 2:46

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 2:48

But we also don't wanna have the idea that hard times are the primary thing about marriage.

Christal 2:53

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 2:54

And if you make it, it's gonna be by the skin of your teeth, you know, keep holding onto each other. There are some things that can get better with time.

Christal 3:02

Yeah, and I will just, this makes me think of the early years or maybe engagement, whenever you're planning your life together and you're so in love, and you're so excited about living with this person, all the things. And I think at that point you don't realize how good it can get- Yeah because you do know that marriage can be difficult, and fights happen, arguments happen, and situations and life happen that make it hard. But today we're really talking about the other side of that, is that marriage can get better and better, and I think richer and richer. Yeah. Deeper and deeper, all the things you wanna say with that. But marriage can really become something that you didn't realize, I think, when you were first engaged or first married. And we've experienced that, not that we haven't experienced our, the tough times, the hard times. We

Lennon 4:00

certainly have.

Christal 4:01

But I think today we really just wanna encourage our listeners with if you're married, whatever, you know, phase you're in, whatever situation you're in, that marriage can get better and better.

Lennon 4:13

It can. So We wanna talk about five specific areas today where we have experienced marriage getting better. Yeah. And I think that you can experience it as well, friends. So five areas. We'll start with the first one. The first one is simply friendship.

Christal 4:27

Mm-hmm. I think

Lennon 4:28

that friendship between a husband and wife can actually get stronger through the years.

Christal 4:33

Yeah. Yeah. This is making me think of a movie, really old movie, called Shenandoah with James Stewart. I remember the thing that he asked the guy who wanted to marry his daughter, he asked the question, well, first of all, he said, "I love your daughter, sir, I wanna be with her forever." And he goes, "Well, okay, I believe that you love her, but do you like her?" Hmm. And the, that, that phrase has always stuck with me because it's, marriage isn't just being in love, but it's liking one another and actually enjoying spending time together, and, and our friendship growing. Yeah. And so it makes me think of that, but I know for us, I wouldn't have married you if I didn't feel like you could be my friend, right? Right. We enjoy being together and hanging out. That was a big deal.

Lennon 5:20

Right. No, that was a big deal, and it's something that I think when the tests or some of the difficulties of marriage come, or you start rubbing each other the wrong way, I think sometimes couples can get to a place where they notice the rough edges a lot more than the good things. Right. And so I do know some couples that did make it until death do them part, and they did love each other, but she could not stand the way he breathed. That weird thing he does with his nose. Drives me crazy. And he would, always felt like she was on edge, and so they did love each other. Didn't seem to like each other- Yeah a whole lot. Mm-hmm. And so I think a great friendship and marriage really does, uh, it, it grows based on continuing to, I don't know, what do you think? Focus on the good things? Make time to enjoy- Yeah each other?

Christal 6:14

Yeah, I think, I think that is very true because we can all get in our heads about the things that we don't like about one another. There are just gonna be things we don't like about one another. Let's just get real. I mean, there are little habits we both have- I know I get on your nerves sometimes. and I'm s- I'm sure it's vice versa. Oh, I shouldn't say that.

Lennon 6:34

Well, I'm sure it's vice versa. I think I'm the one to say that. I'm sure I get on your nerves sometimes. In fact, I know I do.

Christal 6:41

Yeah, but I really think friendship is such a huge part of it, and if we lose sight of the friendship, if we only focus on the physical or the, um, sexual part of our relationship and we don't just enjoy one another and go hang out together or plan things that help us enjoy time together, then, then you're missing a huge part of marriage and what it could be. But I do think our friendship has grown over the years because we've gotten to know one another even better, and we've seen each other through a lot of ups and downs and hard situations. Yeah. And so because of that, our friendship has grown because we want the best for one another as well. Right.

Lennon 7:27

What do you think, I mean, if, if someone's listening and they're like, "Well, we do love each other, but honestly, we don't like each other so much right now," or, "I don't feel like I would categorize my spouse as a friend. They're the one I love, but I don't feel like they're a friend," what are some ways that they can begin to develop that friendship?

Christal 7:47

Well, I think it makes me think, like in any friendship that you have, you have to learn to be vulnerable with one another, to share things that you're going through or that you're thinking about. Mm-hmm. And so I think you have to... Maybe that could be because you're not opening up very much or sharing much with your spouse, that that's what they're also there for, is to be your friend and to see you through those hard things. So it could be, depends on the couple and what the situation is, but it could be that maybe you need to focus on spending some time together and opening up and sharing. That's, that's my first thought. What do you think?

Lennon 8:28

I think that, I, I realize dates go into romance, but spending time together outside of the intensity of home things or parenting things can really, you know, you see your, you see your spouse doing something in a different light than you have for a while. You're laughing together, and you just realize, "Oh, I do like this person. This is my person." Yeah. "This, this is my friend." I know yesterday I was coming back into town from, uh, from Houston, where I was ministering this weekend, and this was a trip I had to go on by myself. And whenever I got home last night and walked in, you were clapping your hands because you were excited. You were excited to see me. That, that honestly meant a lot to me. Yeah. It, it really, uh, lifted my heart, and I was like, "Yeah, this is my, this is my wife. I'm so glad to be home. I was looking forward to being with you." Yeah. And so love is important. Devotion is important. There's something about this category of a friend that we don't wanna reserve just for people outside of the home. We can be friends together. Yeah. And that can get better with time.

Christal 9:34

It really can. It really can.

Lennon 9:36

Okay, so what's another area that can get better with time?

Christal 9:39

Well, I think that's romance. So we're talking about friendship first. Now this is kinda going into a little deeper- Mm-hmm the depth of the relationship. And so I would say romance can get better. And I really think one of the reasons that is is because you start to learn your spouse better. You start to understand them better. What- Mm-hmm you know what I mean? What they love, what really makes them feel loved, and that's something at the beginning, it can be a little tricky. Yeah. We Do you remember we found that out in some way, like how to feel loved and the romance that, we can share, and like what can I do to make my spouse feel loved in that romantic way? I remember you were really sweet and while I was at work, you cleaned the house.

Lennon 10:27

Yeah. And- This is like in our first year- Yeah of marriage. First year and a half.

Christal 10:31

But what did you think that would do for me?

Lennon 10:34

Well, I just thought, "You're gonna walk in and you're gonna be so happy that I've cleaned the house for you, and it looks amazing." And whenever you walked in, one of the first things you said to me was like, "Why didn't you call me at all today?" And, you know, I can joke about this now. Well, I didn't call you because I was waging a war against dirt in our home. Yeah. You know, I was doing all this, I was doing this. But the thing that moves your heart romantically is, "Hey, I'm thinking about you today. How's it going?" Things that we usually perhaps did, which is why it felt weird that I hadn't texted you or called you, like, all day. Mm-hmm. And so if that was an insight that sometimes we view romance through our own lens.

Christal 11:15

Yes. If-

Lennon 11:17

That's a good way to say it if I come home and you've cleaned for me, I feel relieved and happy. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, "Oh, man, look at how, look at what you did for me."

Christal 11:25

And I just did that when you were away, 'cause I knew that would- Yeah make you feel so loved and happy when you came home. And so I really wanted the house to look really nice in our room and everything, and so I did that. Because I know you now. Yeah. I probably would have assumed that it was, like, spending time to get quality time, which is, like, one of my top, um, love languages.

Lennon 11:48

Yeah.

Christal 11:48

But, and not that you don't enjoy spending time with me.

Lennon 11:52

Like, you're gonna call me while I'm on the road. And we're gonna have a great long conversation on the phone.

Christal 11:56

That's not likely. No. I, that's not likely to happen with us. 'Cause you know I

Lennon 12:00

peter out pretty quickly with that. Yeah, you do. Like, "Well, okay."

Christal 12:03

Yeah, you're not much of a phone talker. No,

Lennon 12:05

I'm not.

Christal 12:05

And so anyways, I think the thing is with romance, you do start to learn about what each other loves, what e- Mm-hmm how each other feels loved, the things that really just make your spouse glow. And so you just learn that through time, right? Yeah. That's not something you're gonna know at the beginning.

Lennon 12:25

No. Well, so there's something little I learned about you recently, or I thought about you, and it turned out to be right. Um, you know, I think lots of husbands periodically bring flowers home for their spouse, and so I like to do that, but also flowers are really expensive.

Christal 12:40

Oh, yeah. Like the,

Lennon 12:41

you know, a dozen roses- A good, yeah from somewhere in a, in a vase. Mm-hmm. Not a vase, but a vase. May cost you, like, 65 or 70 bucks.

Christal 12:49

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 12:50

And that's not a casual spend for flowers for us. And so a lot of times, I will buy a wrapped bouquet that I'll see at H-E-B or something like that and bring it home. They're good at

Christal 13:01

H-E-B.

Lennon 13:02

And you like those, but a few weeks ago I was in town, I wanted to bring you flowers, and I thought about this little coffee shop we have in Waxahachie called Bloom Pour. Mm-hmm. Where they do coffee, but then they also do flower arrangements. And they have these little bitty glass vases where it's just the smallest arrangement. There's like a primary flower and a few supporting flowers. It's, it's very small, but I was like, "But she will love that." The- Yeah skillfulness of it, the way it's arranged. And so instead of bringing you a wrapped bouquet, I spent, say, the same amount of, of money, it, it was like 15 or $17, to bring you this, and it was much more like a, like a present that you loved.

Christal 13:47

Yeah, it was really special. I love that it was just something unique, and it was from a place that I love, their flowers are just really pretty. So yeah, that was really special to me,

Lennon 13:57

I think that a bottom line with romance is romance is about making the one you love feel a certain way- Mm-hmm and showing them that you view them in a way that you don't view anybody else. And so those romantic things are important, and it is the case that being with you for a couple of decades now- Yeah instead of a couple of years, I have the benefit of I know she will really like this, or I think she will really like this. And so that's an area that can get better with time, romance. It can.

Christal 14:25

And can I say one more thing about romance, is that I think that if you're in a place where you really don't know what makes your spouse feel romantic or that you are pursuing them or loving them in the way that they need to, ask them. Yes. Just say, What is it that I do, what can I do that you would feel really loved or feel like our, our marriage is romantic?" Yeah. And so I think it's, honestly, I think that it doesn't matter how long you've been married to keep asking that question here and there. Because there are some things that you, you just maybe have never heard your spouse say out loud and didn't know about them, Yeah.

Lennon 15:01

Yeah. Being together forever doesn't mean you know everything about them.

Christal 15:05

No. That's right.

Lennon 15:06

Okay. So things can get better with friendship, things can get better with romance, and then I think, third, intimacy can get deeper- Mm-hmm with time. Yeah. Now, romance and intimacy, they're connected, but not exactly the same thing. How would you define intimacy?

Christal 15:23

Oh, goodness. That's that's hard. How would you define- And do I need to remind

Lennon 15:26

you as a woman that intimacy is not just sex, okay?

Christal 15:29

Yeah, I think every guy should say that out loud, is that romance and intimacy, or romance and sex are not the same thing.

Lennon 15:37

That's true. Connected, not identical.

Christal 15:39

Right, exactly. To me, intimacy is letting the other person, um, deeper into knowing you and sharing yourself even in a deeper way. Yeah. What do you think?

Lennon 15:53

Yeah. Well, okay, it makes me think of, we were on a date a couple of weeks ago, and on the way back we're listening to music from Spotify, and you played this song from the artist Olivia Dean called- Mm-hmm called The Man I Need. I think it has something about that. And she's singing, "Be the man I need." Basically she's saying, "Don't leave me guessing about how you feel about me." Yeah. "If you've got something to give, I want it." Right. These are her lyrics. Mm-hmm. And you were really enjoying the song, and I asked you why you loved it so much, or I said, "This is how women think, right?" And you said, "Yes, it is." And you used the line, I don't know if you'll remember saying this, but you said, "It's like she's saying," you said these words specifically, "tell me your soul." Like reveal- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm reveal your inward workings to me. And I think that is- Right that is the cry of a woman's heart.

Christal 16:48

Yeah, it is.

Lennon 16:50

At least the cry of yours, but I think that's more general for women, right? Yeah.

Christal 16:53

Oh, I think so. This is the reason why you see musicians or singers who are not that good-looking really get all the women that they want. Yeah, yeah. Because when they're writing a song or lyrics, they're sharing their heart, like the deep parts of them to the world, and there's something about that that's very attractive. Mm-hmm. And so I would say with intimacy in our marriage, opening up, sharing how you really feel about them. Don't leave them guessing that they, that you just... They should know that you feel a certain way about them, that you love them. You need to express it. Sometimes it's easier, I think, expressing it by writing it down. You know, sometimes- Mm-hmm some people are really good at writing down their feelings and sharing that with their spouse. But I really think to be more intimate, you have to open up more. You have to share maybe the scary things or whatever. But then you also, I think sharing about how you love them, how you feel about them-

Lennon 17:58

Mm-hmm

Christal 17:59

is gonna help your intimacy get better.

Lennon 18:01

Yeah. And how are you feeling about life? How are you feeling about this thing that we're going through together? Yeah.

Christal 18:07

Mm-hmm. I know

Lennon 18:07

you're hurting, but you're not saying anything to me. I don't feel like we're going through it together. I think that that is something that took me a long time to come to understand.

Christal 18:19

Mm.

Lennon 18:20

But it's been an area where we've grown a lot together.

Christal 18:23

Yeah, yeah. And I think for couples listening, that that's an encouraging thing, that you can grow in intimacy. I would say one more thing about intimacy in the sexual way that helps you stay connected. Because sex is very important for your marriage because it does keep you connected- Yes and it keeps you on the same page a lot of times, all that kind of stuff. There's a lot we can say about that. But what I think m- all, every marriage needs is not just sex because it's fun, it's great, it feels good, it's pleasurable, all that stuff. I think we need the connection side of the intimacy, which I think most women, honestly, that's on their mind a lot more often or, or not, maybe not more often, but that's- No, more often maybe so. Okay. Yeah. So it's more often on women's minds that sex isn't just feeling good, but I wanna be close to you and I wanna be, I wanna know you better. And so I think in our marriages, we really should make sure that we are having that kind of sex too, not just the only enjoyable whatever- Right you wanna say about that.

Lennon 19:28

Right. And I think the more you are opening up your heart, the more vibrant your sexual life is going to, is going to be.

Christal 19:36

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 19:37

And so that's important.

Christal 19:38

Yeah, that's really good.

Lennon 19:39

Okay. So intimacy can get deeper with time. Communication-

Christal 19:43

Mm-hmm can

Lennon 19:44

get better with time. Another area that I wouldn't say we've mastered, but we have grown really, really dramatically in communicating better with one another.

Christal 19:55

Yeah. Communication has gotten a lot better in our marriage. And I think that's to do with the fact that when we aren't understanding each other we work on how can we resolve this and how can we understand each other better. I don't wanna, like, I don't wanna say that you just need to drill everything into the ground, but I do think leaving things to the place where you don't ever talk about it, something happens and you don't communicate or you don't work it out, that's not a healthy thing. But what would you say about that with communication?

Lennon 20:31

I would say that one of the things that really helps communication is just a, a level of patience- Yeah as we talk to each other. For sure. And because men and women are really different in general, because you and I are really different in particular, I cannot always assume that I understand what you mean- Oh, yeah or what's behind something. For example, one of the stories that I always think of with communication in our marriage is, uh, we have some friends that mean a lot to us, Landon and Sarah. You know, they're some of our best friends, and I've known Landon since I was 11 years old. And so they'll come into town, come in our house, and I learned one of the things that really bothered you was when they would get here and I would say, "Hey, me and Landon are gonna run into town. We're gonna get some pizza. We're gonna get some Dr. Pepper, some stuff like that." I would just sort of tell you, "Hey, we're leaving for a while." And that would frustrate you. And I remember when you shared that with me, I felt like, "Why don't you want me to hang out with my friend? I feel like you're trying to control me." And you're saying, "No, I don't wanna control you. I would just like us to have a conversation about how the evening is gonna go, and you just not disappear, and then we're here with all of the kids." Right. And what I realized was that you were just wanting there, you were wanting there to be connection and conversation.

Christal 21:49

Yeah. Yeah.

Lennon 21:50

That we're making a decision together. It wasn't that you wouldn't have said, "Yeah, go for it. We'll, we'll connect later." But it was just kind of- Being an afterthought

Christal 22:03

Yeah, yeah

Lennon 22:04

Right?

Christal 22:04

Yeah, I think the deal is, like, I didn't mind y'all hanging out and doing things, But it was more about, I think we both have individual things happening, individual plans we wanna do, but if we don't talk about things and coordinate things, me, To me it can lead to chaos or misunderstandings. And so a simple connection of communicating, "Hey, what's on your agenda? What's on my agenda?" And being able to work on that together so we're both able to do what we need to do, but we're, we're a unit. I mean, we're, one also. And so we have to communic- about things so we can have peace. Yeah And we can have, you know... The expectations thing can be understood. Yeah Even if it's not, expectations aren't met perfectly, that's not the point. But being able to talk about those things and plan, I think are very important.

Lennon 22:58

Well, and I think what you just said, too, is the underlying reality in communication frustrations. We are one. We're a unit. Mm-hmm. Kinda that's what marriage is. Marriage is working that out.

Christal 23:09

Yeah What

Lennon 23:09

does it mean to be one flesh? And so I felt like I was being controlled, and you felt like, I think, you were being forgotten or disregarded. Mm. Yeah. So in that- Mm-hmm circumstance, we just weren't accounting for each other.

Christal 23:25

Right. So anyway-

Lennon 23:26

Yeah communication has gotten a lot better in our marriage.

Christal 23:29

And I think at the beginning, too, it's hard to feel like you can communicate or what to communicate Honestly, this can happen even when you've been married a while. Sometimes you just have a hard time really saying what you need or sharing or talking about a situation- Yeah that you may just wanna, "Oh, I don't wanna bring that up. I don't wanna open a can of worms." But it's something that is affecting your marriage, and it's not resolving. And so I think, I think it can be just really hard to start that or open up about it. And we have learned, here's another thing I feel like in communication that's gotten way better, is we have learned how to present or talk about some harder issues- Right in a way that each other doesn't feel attacked or ignored or hurt. It's gotten better that way.

Lennon 24:23

Yeah. Just like becoming more tactful and understanding how the other person best hears- Yeah something. Yeah.

Christal 24:30

I think so. And men and women are so different with how they receive things and how they- are thinking about the situation that I think we've learned a little better, and I think couples over time can get better

Lennon 24:43

Yeah, for sure. Okay, and I think the last area I would say that can get better with time, probably a lot of things, but these are our five things, but the fifth thing is just appreciation. I, just as your husband, have such a deep respect and appreciation of you that's grown because of all that we've gone through over the years of seeing... I'm not gonna cry. You're not gonna cry. But of, of seeing you show up for our kids whenever they're going through something really difficult, of seeing your tenacity with our family, of seeing you grow and change, just all of that. Man, in marriage, we put in so much work with one another.

Christal 25:23

Yeah.

Lennon 25:24

Why would you ever wanna begin that work anew with someone else? Like, there's, there's so much that can happen positively when two people are really devoted to- living as a living sacrifice before God-

Christal 25:37

Yeah

Lennon 25:37

and continuing to try to love each other well.

Christal 25:40

Yeah. Well, that means a lot to me, and I'm trying not to cry too as I talk. But I feel like what I've learned to appreciate is relying on you in your strengths, and the things that you're really good at and you're strong in, i've l- I've loved seeing you grow over the years, but also just being able to appreciate who you are and your strengths, and not focus on things that you're, is not your thing and you're not good at. Because I'm good at usually some of the things that you're not. Mm-hmm. And same vice versa. Yeah. We love using that word today. And vice versa. You know, like, I appreciate who you are and the things that you are good at too, and not... And, and that's what I've loved. I think that's a lot of kinda how you were talking about the beginning with friendship. I think it's about what you focus on and where you put your mind. Because if you can just think about the things that they are good at or that they do for you, or that the way that they've loved you. If you think about the things that they do, not the things that they don't or aren't good at sometimes, um, I really think that it can help the way that you see your marriage. And so appreciation is really important,

Lennon 26:59

So friends, those are five things that we have really grown in and that have gotten better and better in our marriage. I hope that those are helpful for you, and I bet if you look at it with your spouse, you guys have some areas where you have also grown. Don't take those for granted. Share them with each other and talk about it

Christal 27:18

Friends, thank you for listening today on the Home and Marriage Podcast. Don't forget to follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. We drop new ones every Tuesday. If today's conversation encouraged you, would you take a minute and share this episode with someone you know? It really helps more people find the show and join our community

Lennon 27:38

No, I think so. You can visit homeandmarriage.com for more resources, like our Six Habits of Happy Couples course. And if you'd like us to come speak at your church or event, you can schedule us through the website. You can also follow along on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. All the links are in the show notes.

Christal 27:53

We really do believe that home can be your favorite place. We'll be back again next week with more encouragement and wisdom to help you become better at home and stronger together.