Why Do We Keep Having The SAME Fights?

Every couple has them—the arguments that seem to show up again and again. Whether it's money, parenting, intimacy, in-laws, or feeling overlooked, recurring conflicts can leave you wondering if you'll ever get past them.

In this episode of the Home and Marriage Podcast, Lennon and Christal discuss why couples often find themselves having the same fights throughout marriage and why that's more normal than you might think. Drawing from marriage research and nearly two decades of marriage experience, they explore some of the most common sources of recurring conflict and offer practical questions that can help couples move from frustration toward understanding.

You'll learn:
• Why most marital conflicts are actually "perpetual problems"
• The most common recurring fights couples face
• How unhealthy conflict cycles keep arguments alive
• How past experiences can influence present disagreements
• The difference between expecting too much from your spouse and expecting too little from yourself
• Biblical principles for pursuing unity, grace, and growth in marriage

If you're tired of having the same argument over and over, this episode will help you identify what's really happening beneath the surface and give you tools to build a healthier, stronger marriage.

Remember: The goal isn't to stop talking about difficult issues—it's to learn how to talk about them in ways that bring you closer together instead of further apart.

Transcript

Lennon 0:03

This is the Home and Marriage Podcast with Lennon and Crystal Noland, where we help couples become better at home and stronger together. We are husband and wife, parents and ministers who want God's best for our home and for yours Well, friends, welcome to the show today. We're so glad that you're with us. I'm here with my boo, my lover, my baby's mother, and it's date night.

Christal 0:25

Are you ready?

Lennon 0:26

I am ready. I've really been looking forward to it this week, because last weekend was ministry travel for me. This weekend is going to be ministry travel for me, Saturday and Sunday. So tonight, it's us.

Christal 0:40

Yeah.

Lennon 0:40

We're just, we're going out.

Christal 0:41

And we've been talking about what are we gonna even do tonight, and usually we really like to encourage couples to have a plan, you know? Yes. To have something to look forward to, and we have not done that this week. and so I wanna hear from you, is there anything that you, maybe we haven't done in a while or we've never done and you've been wanting to do. I just wanna hear some ideas from you.

Lennon 1:03

Yes. Something we haven't done in a while, this isn't even terribly creative. I just don't remember the last time we went to a movie theater.

Christal 1:10

Ooh, yeah.

Lennon 1:11

I really don't. Yeah. Like, has it been a year or more?

Christal 1:15

I don't think it's been a year. I know we went to a movie, but it's been a long time. A long time. I wanna say six months.

Lennon 1:20

At least.

Christal 1:21

Maybe. That's a great idea, and it's summertime. There's actually a lot of new movies out, so that could be a really good idea.

Lennon 1:28

The Nate Bergazi movie's out, The

Christal 1:29

Breadwinner. Oh, yeah, I do wanna see that. I do wanna see that. Yeah. Okay. So one of my thoughts was we have not gone to a bookstore in a long time.

Lennon 1:37

Mm.

Christal 1:37

You know, like, we went out, a little dinner, and then we go sit at a bookstore, and we just read things and talk to each other, and it's just a great atmosphere. We haven't done that in a while, so that's something I think I would like to do soon.

Lennon 1:51

Yeah, that is really fun. We do that. We go to dinner, have a late night latte, caffeine way too late. But we do it anyway, and it's a blast.

Christal 1:58

Yeah. Okay. We'll figure it out, I'm sure, at some point today what we're gonna wanna do. Mm-hmm. But So we wanna encourage all of our listeners who love this podcast, can you go onto the platform that you listen from and rate us? and if you wanna take one more step, you can review us. It will really help people find us and encourage other listeners that, hey, this podcast isn't too bad.

Lennon 2:22

It's true. So do that if you wanna give us a five-star rating. If it's less than five stars- you know what? Send us a, send us a message. Tell us how we can improve.

Christal 2:31

Oh,

Lennon 2:31

yeah. And then we want you to rate us whenever you just feel in your heart, you know what? Lennon and Christal, they deserve five stars and nothing less.

Christal 2:38

Right. Well, guys, we are so glad you joined us today, and we are gonna talk about a pretty interesting topic, which is why do we keep having the same fights in our marriage? I know there's a lot of couples out there that are asking this question. Whether you've been married for year or maybe, goodness, 20 or more, you may have that situation where you're s- you're still having the same fight. I think this is a really common thing for married people.

Lennon 3:11

It is really common. There's a well-respected marriage institute called the Gottman Institute. They've done a ton of deep research on marriage across decades now, and one of the things that they say is that 69% of relationship conflict tends to be about perpetual problems.

Christal 3:29

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 3:29

Which means we keep revisiting the same types of things. This can be incredibly discouraging on one hand, because you can begin to feel like, especially if you fight in unhealthy ways, we're never gonna be okay. But on the other hand, hearing something like that might, maybe it should make you feel profoundly normal in your marriage, or at least kind of hopeful, because we tend to hit some of the same areas of conflict over and over and over again.

Christal 3:57

That's very true. So why don't we go over some of the most common types of fights that couples have? I'm sure we have had one in each of these areas- Yes, we are at some point in our- We're pretty

Lennon 4:09

good, not to brag.

Christal 4:11

But let's start off with money fights. I know we've heard this before, but money, the issues of finances and money, is a big reason a lot of people get divorced. Yeah. So it's a pretty hot topic.

Lennon 4:23

Yeah, Dave Ramsey says there is, there's always a free spirit and there's a nerd- Mm-hmm in every relationship. So that might generally be true. I know for us there's a big difference in one of us is just administrative and the other is absent-minded. And so that can, that can raise some challenges in this area for us.

Christal 4:44

Yeah, and I will say in the relationship, I am the spender. I have no problem shopping and spending money, right?

Lennon 4:52

But you're also-

Christal 4:54

But then I'm also the one that's good with finances because, or budgeting.

Lennon 4:59

Yep.

Christal 4:59

My brain works that way. I'm more administrative. I was a bookkeeper for several years, and so I have the skill set and the knowledge. It is the keeping myself in line with the budget, and then sometimes getting you to spend money when you need to.

Lennon 5:17

Yes.

Christal 5:17

I mean, when you need a pair of shoes because you don't have any good pair of shoes to work out in, I have to be the one to say, "Honey, please go buy a pair of shoes," or I go buy them for you-

Lennon 5:26

Yeah

Christal 5:26

and then just say, "Here you go."

Lennon 5:28

You have been telling me to buy a pair of shoes for about four months now- Yeah because my workout shoes are worn smooth.

Christal 5:33

Right. But I do handle the bills and the budget for our marriage, and here's the thing with that, and, and let's get a little vulnerable with this. That has been a struggle at times in our marriage, the whole finances, spending, what not to spend, and I'm sure a lot of couples out there can identify with this. But for us, I really think we've come far in this, but it's been a s- it was a struggle for a while to get you to even talk about finances. Mm-hmm. Right? And, the stress that comes with, "Okay, I'm handling the bills, but then my spouse doesn't really seem to be involved in this"-

Lennon 6:14

Yeah

Christal 6:15

weigh, can weigh on you. And so for me, and everybody's different, every couple's different, I think you really just have to come to agreement with how are you gonna handle the finances. And, here's one thing I will say that we do agree with Dave Ramsey about as well, is that you should not have secret accounts. You need to have... You're one when you're married.

Lennon 6:36

Right.

Christal 6:36

You should have a bank account together so you can agree on where, how you're spending, how you're saving, all that kind of stuff. I'm just gonna throw that out there. But for us, what I need is I, I'm good at handling the bills and the budgeting, but I need communication and support. So we need check-ins. Me and you have, like, financial check-ins every now and then. Or if I do have something I need you to handle, I might say, "Hey, will you please do this one handling of this bill or payment?" And you do that part. I, I feel like it's for me just the support. But I know some couples, you know, they fight about money because they can never see eye to eye, or they just never communicate about how are we gonna do this.

Lennon 7:20

Yes, exactly. And so it ha- it has been a recurring deal at times where you have been like, "I'm willing to do most of, most of the stuff in this area of our marriage, but you've gotta come through on this." And so, uh, so I'm learning.

Christal 7:36

Yeah.

Lennon 7:37

I'm learning.

Christal 7:37

It's getting better. But I think it really is helpful to be on the same page on it. It is. That's kind of the thing.

Lennon 7:44

Yeah. Same thing with a lot of these. That's true for money fights. Yeah. It's also true for parenting fights. Sometimes they are recurring issues with how we handle the kids, whether it's, "You always let this one get away with this. You don't see how they're handling you, but you're being handled." I know that's a pretty common theme we've heard with parents. We can't let this slide. This, this is what my parents expected out of me. This is what we should expect out of our kids. Sometimes we bring differing parental philosophies into marriage with us. And so this isn't the podcast where we try to untangle all that, but it causes recurring issues. Mm-hmm. So getting to agreement in how you handle parenting issues is incredibly important. You cannot raise kids together well if you can't get on the same page.

Christal 8:32

And that makes me think that if you're gonna going to come into agreement about something, you're, somebody's compromising. Somebody's probably letting go of maybe the way that they would love to do it, but you come to an he- a healthy agreement about how do you handle this situation- Yeah right?

Lennon 8:49

Yeah, for sure.

Christal 8:49

So that's, I think, very common. just to add one more thing on that, you're so right. We come from two different parenting households. We were raised very differently. Most all of us are raised very differently, and so we're just gonna see things differently. That's very normal to see one situation with a kid, one parent may be like, "Oh, that's no big deal," and another parent may be like, "This is a really big deal," you know? So we are just gonna differ because of the way we were raised.

Lennon 9:18

Yeah, for sure.

Christal 9:19

Okay, the next one that's pretty common is we call it sex fights, right? So intimacy fights, whatever you wanna call it.

Lennon 9:28

Mm-hmm.

Christal 9:28

Sexual situation arguments. Here's the deal with this subject. It can be very sensitive, very emotional. I think these are pretty deep conversations usually-

Lennon 9:41

Yes

Christal 9:42

and sometimes very painful. And so I would say in this area, it needs a little extra care and understanding, right?

Lennon 9:51

Yes, it does. And it could be very good for one or both of you to do some reading- Mm-hmm with some, um, reading. That's, uh, I'm not talking about smutty romance novels or something like that. No. Uh, Gary Chapman and a- his co-author Deborah Filletta have a great book called Married Sex, and that, that can really give some insight for couples in this. But the big point here is just this is an area of recurring conflict in relationships. You're not weird if you're thinking- Mm-hmm should this even be a problem? Shouldn't this just be an area of pure joy and, and simplicity? Well, that would be nice, but like you said, honey, this is a, it's an incredibly vulnerable... there's nothing more vulnerable than being naked with another person and being joined in sex.

Christal 10:39

Mm-hmm. And it's another area that really needs communication, of course, and communication can be hard. I know when we teach our Six Habits course, we really talk about this subject in general, and one of the things is sometimes it's just hard to talk about it or f- you feel awkward, or you feel like you're a kid again, it can just feel awkward to talk about it, right? We don't, we're not usually great at talking about sex as couples sometimes. What do you think about that?

Lennon 11:06

I think you're right about that. In mentioning where it makes us feel like a kid again, I think that it specifically applies to, to guys. If you're in a group of guys and someone says the word boobs, you're gonna see everybody in the group smile. There's something about this that makes a, makes a man feel embarrassed and blushy. But the fact is, we're not, we're not teenagers anymore. We are, we are men. Mm-hmm. And this does have to be an area where we can talk openly and with some depth to our spouse.

Christal 11:36

Yeah, because here's... Oh, here's what you don't wanna do, is laugh or giggle when your wife is opening up something intimate or deep about s- your sexual life and needs to talk to you about it. Right. That would be the, that'd be the wrong way to handle it.

Lennon 11:51

That's true.

Christal 11:52

Okay. So what about the next one?

Lennon 11:54

In-law fights. In-law fights are a big deal in marriages. The whole leaving and cleaving thing as mentioned in Genesis i- is a, is a big deal. And sometimes one or both spouses' parents still have way too much input or sway over the dynamics of a marriage. And say a, say a husband's mom is still very vocal and very s- and maybe very critical-

Christal 12:23

Mm-hmm

Lennon 12:23

about how kids could be raised or something like that, that can be incredibly discouraging, frustrated to, frustrating to his wife.

Christal 12:31

Right.

Lennon 12:32

It can be as simple as holiday expectations.

Christal 12:34

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 12:35

And disagreeing on who we should go see, or can we go see both sets. These things can cause a lot of frustration.

Christal 12:43

Trying to make everybody happy- That's it is a really hard thing. And honestly, you're not gonna make everyone happy. Someone's gonna be upset. Better that your spouse is not the one unhappy with you than your in-laws or your mom or dad. You wanna... I, I mean, don't you think? Yes. Honestly. There's a... That's, maybe that's too simplistic to say that way.

Lennon 13:05

Well, but it is the case that the two of you are trying to find a situation that works for your marriage- Mm-hmm where you honor each other as the new priority. Yeah. If somebody's gonna be a little disappointed, I, I want to do as much as I can do to make sure that we are okay. Mm.

Christal 13:25

Yeah.

Lennon 13:25

I'd rather live with my mom or my dad or your parents being frustrated than us being frustrated.

Christal 13:32

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's just, and you can have amazing parents or in-laws, and someone's gonna just be disappointed at some point. the in-law thing can really cause a wedge between your marriage, and if you aren't able to work through that or come to an agreement, it can continue to be that way. Well, the next one is time and attention fights. What do you think about this? Why does this cause conflict in our marriage?

Lennon 13:58

This is a pretty broad area, but this is about feeling, this is about feeling noticed and like you're a priority to your spouse. These kind of fights can look like you are constantly on your phone. I can't even talk to you. It can look like you work too late and it doesn't seem like you have to. Um, I, you know what? I work, too, or I've been here with the, the kids all day. It'd be nice to, to have you come home. Uh, you give all your emotion and time to the kids. I am, like, fourth priority. I just don't feel like I matter. Those things are different manifestations of, like, time and attention issues.

Christal 14:34

Right

Lennon 14:35

So those are several categories that pop up again and again. Why don't we, why don't we do this? Why don't we talk about if we're gonna run into these things over and over, what are maybe some questions we could ask that can help us look at these repeated issues from helpful angles?

Christal 14:53

Right. I think these questions are really important because you don't wanna go in marriage is to a place where you stop fighting altogether because you're never talking about anything. And we're not encouraging you guys just to ha- have it all out and have a lot of fights. We're just saying it's not a healthy thing, though, to cut off the talking about it, and then you both live in separate corners of the house, you're living with a roommate and not a spouse anymore. The way that you interact is just, you just get through it. W- we do need to talk about these things. So I think these questions are really important to bring out some possible resolutions, Or just a good start, on how we can work through this, and how can we stop having the same fight over and over again.

Lennon 15:41

Yes. So these are gonna be questions that you begin by asking yourself. And One of my favorite authors says that the type of questions we ask determine the answers we get.

Christal 15:53

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 15:54

So you can ask unhelpful questions about the way you fight in marriage, such as, "Why can't we ever agree on anything?"

Christal 16:00

Mm.

Lennon 16:00

Why don't they love me?" Those aren't helpful questions. Those only lead you to really discouraging answers.

Christal 16:07

And bitterness too.

Lennon 16:08

And bitter- yeah. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Bitterness too. So these are some helpful questions, and the first o- question to ask about a recurring issue is this: How do I personally address frustrations? What are my patterns whenever I'm upset about something? How do I wade into frustration?

Christal 16:27

Yeah. This is really difficult, 'cause You can be very hurt, upset, and you need to talk to your spouse about something that's very important to you, but maybe when you do, it comes out in a way that's really accusing and really hurtful in return. And 'cause it's true what they say, hurt people hurt others. Yes. And sometimes when you're hurt, your words come out as hurt to the other person. And so you may be approaching it in a way that shuts the other person down pretty easily, and then you just don't get very far with that. And so I think you do have to ask the question, like, how am I coming across to my spouse when I'm talking about this subject or bringing it up?

Lennon 17:12

So this is one of the things we teach about at our marriage conferences. Not to be overly simplistic about genders, but there are trends. So for you, honey, w- why don't you speak on behalf of, of women. Whenever you're addressing frustration in an unhelpful way, what might be some things that you lean into that make the situation worse instead of better?

Christal 17:34

I know in our relationship that the times I w- was really hurt and I finally came out with saying something that was really hurting me or upsetting me, it came out in the moment, in the heat of the moment, because I'd been bottling it up a little bit too long, and I just let it out. And when it comes out, it comes out really harshly. We've had those situations where that happened, and it did not help a thing. Here's what I imagined was gonna happen when I let it all out. You would be like, Oh, honey, I'm so sorry that you felt that way. I never would want to do that." You know, I thought you'd be immediately apologetic, trying to make it all right. But what, that didn't happen when I came across in that way. It was a different reaction. And being married longer now, I understand why that reaction would happen from you. And so for me, I really did learn how to speak your language. I think that's a way to say it, speaking your language and still getting across, "Here's my needs. Here's what I need you to hear. This is why I'm hurting or upset," but helping you hear it better than me just unloading on you. That really makes it harder, I've, come to see.

Lennon 18:51

Yeah, for sure.

Christal 18:52

And not because you're a fragile flower or something. That's not the point. Anybody who gets accused of a lot of things that they didn't realize they were doing or had happened, or maybe they didn't know it hurt them in that way, they're gonna be defensive. That's usually the, the case

Lennon 19:07

And I hope that nearly 20 years into our relationship that I can handle things better and that you don't have to voice a frustration in the perfect way- Right for me to be able to lean in and... Because what I know about you whenever we're not in fight or flight argument moments, is that if you get there, it's taken a lot to get there, because you're not just a person who is critical. So hopefully I've matured to a place where I handle some of that better. But at my worst, what I will do, and what men tend to do, is just power off and shut down. And some guys, that manifests by them leaving the situation, "You know what? I don't have time for this. I'm not listening to this." Mm. And we bolt. Or just sit there and say nothing at all. Just- Yeah stare blankly into, into the ether. And what that does for a woman is it makes you feel like, "I'm, here I am pouring out my heart. He doesn't care."

Christal 20:05

Well, it really causes even more pain. Yeah. Because like what you're saying, you're, you're, you're being vulnerable, you're finally letting out what's been hurting you. You're telling them, you're entrusting them with your pain, and when they just seem to do nothing with it or they don't care or they leave, that causes and inflicts even more pain. Yeah. It really can become a cycle, and I I think that's one of the reasons why we do keep having the same fights over and over, is because we're stuck in a cycle of I'm sharing, and in return you're hurting, but I'm sharing harshly now, and you're h- you're hurting too or you're defending yourself- Mm-hmm trying to show me, or sh- the husband showing the wife, "I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad guy. I didn't have those intentions." Right.

Lennon 20:51

Right? Right.

Christal 20:52

So, yeah, it can be, it can be a cycle. So I think we do have to just really think about those things. Not that you have to be perfect on how you say things, but saying things in a way that isn't in the heat of the moment, Not trying to wound them because you're wounded, but opening up and then the person on the receiving end being able to handle it in a way that doesn't cause more pain

Lennon 21:17

Yes, I think that's, I think that's really good. So how do I personally address frustrations? And part of that also is how do I react when my spouse is frustrated with me? Uh, we learned a lot from a book called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, and the two co-authors make a great point there. They say, "When a woman stokes a man's shame, his sense of inadequacy, 'You can't be who I need you to do. You're not making me happy,' she is wrong even if she's right. And then when a man stokes a woman's fear, 'I don't care. You can't talk to me. I'm not gonna deal with you right now,' He is wrong even if he's right. So how we handle frustration will determine if recurring issues are something we can helpfully deal with, or it's war right now, and it will be war again soon.

Christal 22:10

Right. That's really good. So here's another question you can ask yourself, is there an issue beneath the issue? And I will say almost every time there's usually an issue beneath the issue or a deeper thing that's happening. that might be fear, that might be some pain that you had before you even met your spouse. It may have nothing to do with your spouse, and there's some fear that comes up in you because of a past relationship or situation that happened in that relationship. You're scared that that person will do the same thing.

Lennon 22:44

Yes.

Christal 22:45

And it could be something that happened when you were a kid or bring- or insecurities that you have and they kinda spill over to your spouse.

Lennon 22:52

Yeah, I think, uh, an illustration of this could be like say some situation of... Let me take one that has never happened to us. Say a wife is chronically frustrated with a husband who will see the dishwasher is full whenever he puts the last couple of things in there, but he will never turn it on. He will never turn it on. Mm-hmm. And then one day she finally just gets so frustrated with it and says, "You know what? I don't feel like... You just don't listen to me. You do not care what I think. You don't care what I do, that you won't do this." And he is thinking, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. All of this from not starting the dishes?" Mm-hmm. "A little bit over the top." But the issue beneath the issue-

Christal 23:35

Yeah

Lennon 23:36

could be that he is not hearing something she really has asked in a nice way a bazillion times.

Christal 23:44

Mm-hmm.

Lennon 23:44

And so it's really not about the, the dishes in that moment. It is about hearing your spouse.

Christal 23:50

Right. Exactly. Yeah. I think we say that a lot of couples will deal with the fear of a spouse being unfaithful, especially if they had a p- a previous relationship where the person was unfaithful to them, so that really makes them a little heightened to that, and every little thing they do they're worried about or they're a little, a little too controlling or a little too, you know, the trust there, even though that spouse may have never done anything to break trust, but the other person is really hurting from past experiences that they're always worried about that. Yeah. And so that can come up in different ways, in different little arguments that seem maybe insignificant, and why is this such a big deal? But it comes down to something deeper. So that's pretty common.

Lennon 24:35

One of the things we can do together is that whenever we're getting into one of these recurring arguments, or really any argument honestly, with this point is just, okay, this seems a little over the top, or this is more intense than I feel like it should be. Is there an issue beneath the issue-

Christal 24:54

Yeah

Lennon 24:54

right here?

Christal 24:55

I mean, we do this with our kids, especially when they're little and they can't voice as much about what's really bothering them, but it comes out in a way, like they're really upset easily about something, and you're like, "What is the big thing?" And then you realize, oh, there's, there's more to this than just what's happening on the surface. So I think that's great. That's a... You need to look at that as maybe there's more going on to this, maybe handling them a little easier if they're, this is not their normal thing that they're freaking out about the dishwasher.

Lennon 25:23

That's a great point.

Christal 25:24

But just being like, "Hey, is something else go- Are you okay? Is something bothering you? And what, what can I do to help?" Having a little more grace with them

Lennon 25:32

Yes. Another thing that we can ask, this is hard, this is hard to be humble enough to ask this question, but am I expecting too much from them?

Christal 25:42

Right

Lennon 25:43

If I'm always frustrated about the same thing with them- Is this something I should just get used to and overlook? Now, a lot, not everything is.

Christal 25:52

Yeah.

Lennon 25:53

Like, a, should I just get used to my husband laying beside me in bed scrolling his phone at, at 3:00 o'clock in the morning? No.

Christal 26:02

Right.

Lennon 26:02

You shouldn't get used to that. Right. Should I get used to the fact that he never seems to shut a cabinet door? Why is it so hard to shut the cabinet door? Maybe. I don't know. Yeah. What, what do you think about this?

Christal 26:14

I don't know. I think this can go both ways. I think there are some husbands that are pretty intense about wanting stuff a certain way and expecting too much from their wi- wives, but I think a lot of wives can get on this, this track of expecting too much from their husbands. Yeah. And I think, I think that goes, honestly, into a deeper thing, where you expect your husband to be everything and fulfill every need. Yes. And you stop looking to the Lord getting your fulfillment from the Lord I guess your biggest fulfillment from the Lord. Yes. And sometimes we look at our husbands in a way that, "You gotta fulfill my every need, meet every expectation." W- it can happen to the best of wives. And so I think what we need to do is say, "Hey, is this something I can let go of and just not be too worried about?" Just let go of it, you know? It's nothing that's gonna change our marriage in a dramatic way. There are just... You do have to pick your battles if you see every flaw and you address every flaw all the time, that will wear your spouse down.

Lennon 27:15

That's right.

Christal 27:16

So I do think we need to ask that question, am I expecting too much from them? I will just say, i've seen that we both have different strengths and weaknesses. That's just the deal, right? Yep. There's stuff, there's things that I'm really good at, like the budgeting, that you are not good at. Yep. And that's okay, but I was in a job interview and I was talking to, the interviewer, and he was telling me about some of his ways that, he operates and the way his brain functions he's not administrative, and he forgets appointments. And I, I told him, I said, "I totally get that," because my husband is the same way. And I, at first, that was really hard for me. I was like, "Why don't you think like I do? Why are you not organized like me?" And over the years, I've been- able to say, "That is the way he is. He's not gonna completely transform. His brain isn't gonna completely change and have the strengths that I do."

Lennon 28:12

Yeah.

Christal 28:12

So I'm gonna do what I'm good at and bring that to our relationship and not expect from him something that he couldn't give me. Yeah. So that is just the thing you have to do over years of marriage. You have to realize what are the things that they're just not gonna be able to do. but at the same time, we don't wanna expect too little from ourselves.

Lennon 28:34

That's a great point because that's the other side of are you expecting too much from them is am I expecting too little of myself? Sometimes we wanna cling too tightly to, "Well, this is just the way I am. You, you should have noticed this when we were dating. I've always been this way." Like, we have to be sure that we're not falling into this idea that self-expression is the most important thing- about, about me in our marriage, me being myself, me not being trampled on. we don't wanna trample on one another, but we wanna remember this, marriage through a Christian lens.

Christal 29:10

Yeah.

Lennon 29:11

The world may not feel this way, but you, if you're listening to this podcast, I'm guessing you're a believer, that we're speaking from Christian ministers perspective, just as people that are following Jesus. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition-

Christal 29:27

Mm-hmm

Lennon 29:28

where I give what I'm supposed to give. You give what you're supposed to give, and if, if I don't feel like I'm getting enough from you, maybe I'm gonna hold back some myself. It is 100%, 100% proposition-

Christal 29:41

Right

Lennon 29:42

where we are both giving all that we can to love this other person well. And so it does have to matter to me. I can't become a perfect person to meet all of your needs- Mm-hmm but your needs need to matter to me.

Christal 29:56

Right.

Lennon 29:56

And they need to matter to me deeply in a way that no one else's do because you're my person. You're my spouse. We are two becoming one flesh, and so I can't look at my own shortcomings and just decide you gotta deal with it. Right. You gotta deal with it. You can give me grace. You can serve me, but I cannot look at myself and decide how you need to deal with me-

Christal 30:22

Yeah

Lennon 30:22

and that you just need to get over it.

Christal 30:24

If there's anything marriage has taught me over these years, it's how to become a less selfish person.

Lennon 30:30

Yeah.

Christal 30:30

It's always... And it's, it's always happening. You're always learning how to lay yourself down for the other person more and more, and that really is what makes a great marriage is to give up your own, maybe your own preferences at times or things that you would love to see happen for the other person. And i- if it goes both ways, that's a really great marriage

Lennon 30:52

At the end of the day, Christian marriage can only happen with the heart of Christ. And so what he wants for us- Yeah is what we want for our marriage. Christ said that we're to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and love our neighbor as ourself. You are my ultimate neighbor. Oh, that's good,

Christal 31:08

yeah.

Lennon 31:09

The one, the one I share a bed with. And then we're told to seek the kingdom of God first and his righteousness, and that everything else will be added to us. And all that means for this, friends, is that we may disagree over some recurring issues, but most of all, we want what God wants for our marriage. If we can start there, we'll find ourself fighting for what Jesus wants and agreeing on that instead of fighting for what we want, which will be selfish and will divide us.

Christal 31:37

Right. So these things can really get better. We can learn to get better at our fighting, so to speak, or our arguments. We can get better on how to understand one another.

Lennon 31:50

Well, friends, you can visit homeandmarriage.com for more resources, like our Six Habits of Happy Couples course. And if you'd like us to come speak at your church or event, you can schedule us through the website. So thank you for joining us today for the show. We really do believe that home can be your favorite place. We'll be back again next week with more encouragement and wisdom to help you become better at home and stronger together