Overcoming a Critical Spirit

On this episode of the Authentic Marriage Podcast, Brooke and Lauren have an honest conversation about the impact of a critical spirit in marriage and how it can quietly create distance between spouses. Through Scripture and personal reflection, they discuss how criticism often stems from our own insecurities and how allowing it to take root can build walls in our relationships.

Brooke shares a passage about David worshipping the Lord freely and wholeheartedly, while his wife responded with judgment rather than encouragement. This example opens a deeper discussion about how easy it can be to become critical instead of supportive, especially toward our husbands.

The conversation reminds listeners that criticism can weaken unity, while encouragement strengthens it. God calls spouses to build one another up, not tear each other down. Brooke and Lauren also talk about the importance of open communication and discernment, recognizing that correction may sometimes be necessary but should be done with kindness, humility, and the right timing.

This episode encourages wives to examine their hearts, seek the Lord to soften areas of insecurity, and choose words that bring life and encouragement into their marriages.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Well, hi, I'm Brooke. This is Lauren, and we are part of the Authentic Marriage Podcast. And this week, you're gonna get some time just with us girls, and we're gonna chat a little bit about things that are relevant for wives. So I was reading 2 Samuel and the story of where David is coming back into the city and he's worshiping and he's just letting it all out for the Lord. He's singing, he's not wearing much, and his wife Michael is in the window watching him. And it says, as the ark of the Lord was entering the city of David, Michael, daughter of Saul, watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart. When David returned home to bless his household, Michael, daughter of Saul, came out to meet him and said, How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants, as any vulgar fellow would. And that was how she welcomed him after he's out there worshiping. And it struck me how critical her spirit was of her husband.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

And it goes on to say that Michael, daughter of Saul, had no children to the day of her death after that. And we can get into that, wasn't I don't think that was punishment necessarily, but it was a consequence of this criticism. But it struck me that I can kind of do the same thing with Chris.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

I can have this really critical spirit. And um and lots of times I think it's in my mind, it doesn't come out of my mouth, but sometimes it comes out of my mouth, right? And and I don't want to be that wife. Right. You know, I don't want to do that. And so I think the Lord Holy Spirit really spoke to me as I was reading this. Like, Brooke, you can really be like Michael. Yeah. And I thought, oh, Lord, help me not to. Yeah. So let's talk about maybe what that looks like in our marriages. I think we all experience a little bit. Well, I don't know. I love that he spoke to you through that, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Because every word in the Bible proves true and it's in there for a reason. Yeah. And um, it's interesting how we can read a scripture one time and it not really speak to us, and then in a different season it does, right? Um, but I think this is relevant to all women because I think we struggle with this as women because, well, I mean, I would say in in her case, she might have had some insecurities. It sounded like she might have insecurities because she named that he was in front of other women, right? Sounded like an insecurity to me.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

True. Um I hadn't thought of that part.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Yeah, yeah. And so I did I, you know, I agree. I've I've I can struggle with having a critical spirit. Just the other week I had a critical spirit and I and I had to apologize for it. You know, I I had asked Sean to go and get a particular product at the store, and we like to eat very clean. And the product that he brought home had nothing clean in it when right next to it, which I know because I've been to the store, is the clean product. And so, but he chose the other one. He never looks at the ingredients. But, you know, and and so when he comes home, I'm like, this is what you got, you know, in in in just a tone that was, you know, not nice, right? And critical. Like, how could you do this? Why, why, why did you do this, you know? And he immediately was like, Well, I can't do anything right, you know, and then that was like, oh man, I I was very critical in that moment, right? Instead, I should have been grateful for him even going to the store. He didn't have to go to the store, you know, and we could have communicated about it later and I could have been kind about it, you know. Hey, you know, thank you so much for going to the store. Next time I'd love to get the one that has the cleaner ingredients, you know. But instead, I was so critical about it. And I had to go and apologize and you know, give him lots of kisses and hugs. But don't give too many, or he's gonna keep buying the wrong thing. That's true, that's very true. But yeah, I mean, I think we we can quickly, because I I I realize that I like to have control over things, yeah, which is is part of, you know, what are some what are some things that cause critical spirit? Well, control, yeah, you know, being um like she was, insecurities, right? Um, expectations, uh, you know, um that aren't realistic, you know, these are things that cause that, can cause that critical spirit. And really, that's something in us that we need God to change in us.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

It is, and that's a a process, you know, because I'll still catch myself. Um, Chris recently retired and he's been home 24-7 basically, you know, and this is what we wanted. This is a good thing, right? But it's certainly an adjustment. But I keep catching myself like thinking these negative things or interpreting things negatively, and I'm just like, Lord, help me to see him the way you do. Help me, I know his heart. Why am I this is about me, this is not about him. Why am I being so critical? Yeah, um, because he's wonderful. I'm so blessed to have him. But, you know, I'm not always feeling that way, and and feelings can get us into trouble sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

That's very true. That's very true. And so, you know, I think um, you know, I always like to bring scripture back into, you know, like we talked about the story, and that scripture is really helpful to see that the Lord doesn't like a critical spirit, right? That's that's not from God. Um, but also, you know, he's very much about building each other up, you know, in Ephesians 4.29 it says, let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up. So, you know, I have to recognize that even when I feel like, oh man, that what he did, I wouldn't have done. And instead of allowing my tone to come out where it's critical, or my words to come out where, you know, uh it's critical. And you know, a lot of people will say, Well, I'm just I'm just being honest. Well, it doesn't matter if you're being honest or not, does it build that person up? Right. You know, you can be honest in a way that builds somebody up, and you can be honest in a way that's critical and tears somebody down. Yeah, so is it helpful? Yeah, like if it's not helpful, maybe you shouldn't be saying it. Right. And not everything do you need to address either, you know, like not everything nitpick, right? True. Like what's really important, you know, and um, you know, discuss that. But you know, some other ways that this might look is saying you always, you never eye rolls. I used to do them all the time. Sean always says, Well, you have such big eyes, you can definitely see your eye roll.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Yeah, but I think always and never are not ever appropriate. Right, because they're they're not ever true. Right. That's very true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

So be careful of those words for sure. Yep. Um, but you know, what happens that I've seen um when talking with other women is that having a critical spirit leads to contempt. You know, um, and contempt ultimately destroys your connection with your spouse. Absolutely. Um, so this is really serious to really, you know, I would even say, Lord, where where do I tend to have a critical spirit? And what is the root of that? Because I want you to lift that root out, right? Because it's a seed that's been planted. I want you to just rip it out, and I want you to plant a seed that is, you know, of gratitude, of honor, those types of seeds towards my spouse.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Um and I think it's important, there's some things we can overlook, you know, like we're like, okay, that's just me being grumpy or snarky or whatever. Right. And then I think we just need to like release them. But if you can't release them, it's also really important then to lovingly and when you're not feeling worked up about it, bring it to your spouse and talk those things through. Because Chris and I, especially I have been notorious in the past for just not ever saying anything. And then you're talking about that root of bitterness, and I feel like it starts to build these almost like little bricks. And it's these bricks in your heart toward against your spouse, but each one of those is actually then between God and me too. And I think it's so important to make sure we don't let that wall start to build, because I mean that can over time that can become a really big wall that can eventually lead to real marital problems.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

That if we nip them in the bud, so yeah. So knowing when to let go of things and overlook them, and then knowing when it's important to address, I think having discernment there is important.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

And then knowing too, like when you say when to address, you know, if it's something that you do need to address, you may not need to address it right then and there because it might create, you know, uh instead, like for Sean, right? Yeah, probably would have been best for me to address it later, but thanked him right then and there, and then later on kind of talked about it. Um, you know, because especially like right at the onset of it, right when it happens, you can take offense quickly, you know, you can s and and we can see each other in a bad light. Not that, and that's you know, again, that's just uh something we also need to work on is not seeing each other negatively, true, right? Yeah, but um, and and both spouses can have that issue, you know. Um, and so I think uh the timing of it too is important, you know, when you address things as well. So absolutely. But um, you know, I I even sat this morning and I talked to Sean and I said, you know, I asked him, you know, how you know, do I encourage you or do I do I correct you more or how do you see me? You know, and we were able to really talk about that. And I think that that's helpful too to maybe sit with your spouse and say, where are areas that you feel like I'm critical? Because you may not always see that you're critical. And so that's very helpful, I think, to kind of like because they see it, you know, you don't always see your faults, you know, and it's helpful because if they see it, then they're feeling it. And so to address that, you know, um, and I even think, you know, um we our good friends Sandy and Brendan, they weekly check in with each other. And part of, you know, that could be one of the questions, you know, have I have I been critical at all? And where? You know? Um, because you want to nip that out right away. You don't want, like you said, it's like a brick. You don't want to keep building. Yeah. Because it it will eventually lead to contempt for your spouse.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

And I think that comes back to like having that conversation, asking them and not assuming we know what they think. Exactly. And actually, Chris and I had that conversation a few weeks ago, and um, we were doing that the weekly check-in that they do. And it's, you know, is there any place where there, you know, was bitterness or hurt or whatever? Um, and I had felt like I had been really critical about something and was not feeling good about myself and that, and he actually was like, Oh, I didn't really get that from that. So sometimes I think it's is it's self-awareness, but sometimes I think it's like the enemy getting in our heads being like, Well, you're just and he wasn't seeing that at all. So I think it can go both ways. Yeah. Um, so just having those open conversations is really good.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Yes, I think open communication is so important.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

It all comes down to that. It does, it does.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

We'll always say that. Yeah, we will. We will. Okay. Well, I think we're we've we've touched enough on a critical spirit, and um I would just encourage anyone who's listening to kind of just ask right now, Lord, where where am I where is where am I critical towards my spouse? Um, and he'll and he's so good. He he wants to answer and he wants to show you because he wants you to be more like Jesus, right? Um, and so I love that. I love that he's such a good dad. He's not gonna withhold that information, he'll tell you right away and he'll help you. He's our helper. And he wants our marriages to succeed.

SPEAKER_01 12:29

Yeah, so when we s bring him into the marriage, he will help them to be successful. So should we pray out? Yeah, you want me to? Yeah, sure. Okay, all right. Uh Heavenly Father, we just thank you so much for this time. This time to chat with the the ladies with the wives out there. God, we just pray that um we've shared something that uh touches them and helps them to know you better, but also to be a better wife. Lord, um marriage is created by you, it's designed by you, and this world and the enemy try to tell us other things and to tear it down. But we want to build strong marriages. That's what um love for a lifetime is all about, is strengthening our marriages, God. So we thank you, um, Holy Spirit, that you are present and that you guide us, you give us the tools we need as we go, if we'll just include you in our lives. So I pray blessings on every single wife listening to this. And um, Lord, we just thank you for who you are. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Amen. Thanks so much for joining us. Again, I'm Brooke. This is Lauren, and um, we'll see you next time.