Marriage Before Parenthood

On this episode of Girls Corner, Brooke and Lauren talk about the importance of protecting your marriage while raising children. Parenthood is one of life's greatest blessings, but it can also become easy to unintentionally place your marriage on the back burner. The hosts encourage wives to remember that one of the greatest gifts they can give their children is a strong, healthy, Christ centered marriage.

Looking to Scripture, Brooke and Lauren reflect on Psalm 127:4, which says, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth," and Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go..." They discuss raising children to become "arrows" who are launched into God's purpose rather than "boomerangs" who never leave the nest.

The conversation also offers practical encouragement for creating a healthy family culture. From seeking the Lord together and prioritizing family dinners to setting healthy boundaries and protecting your bedroom as a place for rest and connection, Brooke and Lauren share simple ways couples can stay connected while navigating the demands of parenting.

Most importantly, they remind listeners that the way a husband and wife love one another creates a sense of security for their children. When kids see a marriage marked by love, respect, and intentionality, they gain a lasting example of God's design for family.

This episode encourages parents to pursue a healthy balance between marriage and parenthood, trusting that investing in your relationship with your spouse is one of the greatest investments you can make in your children.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Well, welcome back to the Authentic Marriage Podcast. I'm Lauren and this is Brooke. And we are going to talk about, I think, a very important subject matter today that kind of goes hand in hand with the parenting that we uh recently did. And it's don't lose your marriage while raising your children.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

That's so important.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Yes. And I think that, you know, you'll see people in the church and you'll think they have this wonderful marriage, this wonderful family life. And then I know within my old church body, like that was, you know, everybody, all the kids in the families hung out. And then when the kids left, the there was so much divorce within the church. And I think because you know, they've stopped intentionally like focusing on their spouse and their marriage, and they put everything they had into the kids. And we see this a lot. It's you know, it's it seems like it's everywhere, you know. I yeah, I think so. And it's um so subtle.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

I think this drift that can occur in marriage, and it, you know, prior you think prioritizing your kids is a good thing. You want to nurture them and raise them well, and I think too often we fall into the habit of the of um focusing so much on our children that we forget about our spouse. But biblically, marriage comes first, yes, and then the children. Yes, and I think that creates a great foundation for the kids to see when they see that their parents really love each other. And I used to tell my kids, you know, I love you more than I love your dad. And they love that. They thought they hated hearing that. On one level, I'm sure they did because they want to be our little gods. But on another level, that provides such security and the proper framework for your marriage. But unless we're really intentional, yeah, I that doesn't happen naturally.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Yeah, no, I I love I I've started actually taking that statement because it does, I think it gives them a sense of security. Like mom and dad are always gonna be there, they're not leaving their, you know, there there's unity there. Um, and yeah, they may not like that at first, but you know, I think they need that, right? And when the family breaks, it it really, it, it really destroys and has so much effect on the children and um the way that they handle life and move on in life, you know.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

And even I think if if couples stay together, quote unquote, for the children, but then they divorce as soon as the kids leave for college, they haven't actually set up a healthy relationship or example in the house for those kids to see. So even though they've stayed together while the kids are at home, um, I still think they've set some um, what word do I want? Uh an example there that does not set the kids up for success in their own marriage.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

An unhealthy example. Yeah. Yeah. Just staying together and being unhealthy is still not what we're we're looking for, right? Right. Because that is like, then the kids leave and they're like, well, I don't want any, I don't want that. I don't want what my mom and dad had. They fought all the time. There was just chaos in our homes. So um there is like this balance, and it can only really be done with seeking the Lord. I mean, like, and we're always gonna come back to that because that is the core. It is, it's the glue. Yeah, so you know, some of this, you know, um, marriage is is meant to remain. And, you know, if you think about it, your kids like they're gonna grow up and they're gonna leave, you know. And, you know, in Genesis 2.24 it says a man leaves father and mother and is united to his wife. Now, a lot of women that with kids don't want to hear that. They're like, no, my baby, you know, but this is biblical that we do this, and it says, and that this the husband and the wife become one flesh. You know, it doesn't say cleave to your children, you become one flesh with your child. It doesn't say that, you know. So it's very clear that we are to prepare our children to go out in the world, to have their own families, and that their families show who Jesus is, right, in their marriages. Um, and so that's our responsibility, not holding on so tightly and focusing, and like you said, making them our gods, our idols, right? Right. Um idols aren't necessarily a bad thing. It's when we make them above God, you know, and that's where they become an idol. The thing that is that, you know, is not necessarily like children, they are not a bad thing, right? But when you make them above God, that's when that's that's not a good thing. Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

And that's not good for us spiritually. It's also not good for the kids. Yeah, they can't go around thinking they are little gods because the world's gonna tear them down pretty fast. Um, and I think the other thing is uh our I our goal is to raise them to leave. They're meant to be, as like Chris likes to say, arrows, not boomerangs. Right? We want to prepare them for the world. And I'm gonna somewhere in here, there's a scripture about that.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

Which one's the Psalm 127? Yeah. No, you go ahead and read it.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Um, children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring of reward from him, like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them, they will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies at the city gate. But like arrows in the hands of a warrior, you know, we are meant to get them ready and prepare them to be launched into the world. And um, and if we hold on too tightly, yeah, we're not launching them. Yes, you know, there's to be with us temporarily. Always, always we love them. Oh, yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

But we need to get them ready for the world. Yeah, I love I love that that the Lord. It's so cool to me that like God wants us to have a successful life. He gave us everything that we need in his word to to show us like what that looks like. And um, I just think it's really neat that you know, he's showing us like your children are a blessing, but they are for me to use, you know, like they're I have a purpose, I have a plan for them, you know, and um I'm entrusting you with them for a season, you know, and then um, but we as parents are called to raise them, you know, uh what's the scripture that says um train up a child in the way they should go and they will not depart from it? So that's our role as parents. Um and you know, I'd even like to just say a little couple things on this too, like, and Sean and I have talked about this, you know, it's not a bad thing to put your children into sports and and um to see what they're good at and to keep them, you know, to have something that they enjoy doing while going to school. But what I find is that we make it all about that. And we, even as parents, are so worn out because all we're doing is bringing our kids to this function and this function and this function and this function. And we have completely destroyed like even the having dinner at home as a family because we can't. We're too busy, we're bringing them to they're involved in this sport, this sport, this sport, this sport, and school. I mean, I think there is um everything in moderation. Um, and I think that that also doesn't prioritize your marriage because where does your marriage fit into that? By the end of the day, you've gone to work, right? You've gone to work. Now you're picking your kids up and you're taking them to another uh one of their you know functions, and then the next day, another one of your functions, you get into bed, you're exhausted, you do it again, you do it again. And then on the weekends they have games. And so Sean and I have talked about listen, if we're gonna do this with our kids, they're gonna be in one sport, and it may just be one semester, one, you know, a fall or spring. Um, because we like to travel and we like to do things as a family, and it makes it very hard to have that balanced family life, or even for us, like we like to have date nights and things like that, and that's hard. And we're not going to put that above what God is calling us to do because it doesn't say biblically to put them in every sport possible.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

No, and you said the word balance, and that's so important that we have that balance in our lives because again, we are modeling for our kids what life, godly living looks like, and if it's out of balance, if there's not a sense of peace and rest, then we're not modeling what God has called for us. Yeah. Even though there could be some turmoil in some areas of our lives, we're still called to have his peace that passes all understanding in our lives. And when we're constantly striving, which is what I think a lot of that is, is striving and forcing our children to strive, that's not peaceful. Um, and I think just yeah, that balance and let them explore. You know, we we lived overseas when our kids were growing up, so we moved a lot, so it was hard for them to really get into one thing and stick with it, which in some ways I think was really okay because they tried all kinds of things. Tyson played tennis, he played cricket for a little while. You know, Mackenzie did acting classes and she did some ballet and not sports for her. That was really good to get there. So they got to try all different things, and in some ways I felt like I felt like maybe we let them down because they didn't ever really get involved in one thing, but in other ways they got to try all kinds of things. And we prioritized family dinners when Chris wasn't traveling, and and just having some time together and having that space, yes, which we might not have been prioritizing our marriage as much as we needed to have been during that season. But at least with the kids, I felt like for the most part we kept a pretty healthy balance. And yeah, and even if you have one or if you have two kids or more and you're letting them each do one thing, that can quickly become every night of the week.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

Exactly. Right? So again, maybe yeah, maybe this semester, you know, little Bobby gets to do his thing, you know, and then the next semester. I think you really need to seek the Lord and you need to you as husband and wife need to talk about what how do we have boundaries to where we are showing them that that mom and dad's relationship our for first relationship with God is most important, and then our relationship is taken very seriously that we're intentional. Our marriage relationship, right? And then our family relationship. And I think that just really comes down again to commute communication with one another, praying into that. What does that look like? And sometimes God will be like, This is a season where I don't want you to do anything. And then sometimes it is like a season where he has you a little bit more busy. So again, he he wants good for you. So why don't we go to the source of who created us, who knows us best, who wants good for us, and ask him, what do you have us doing this this semester, you know, as our family, you know? Um, and uh he he's so faithful, he wants to tell you, you know, because he wants that for you. Um, and you know, I think too, I'd like to um, you know, I I just want to say we're not saying don't put your kids in things. Oh, absolutely not. We're saying there's boundaries and and um the amount of things and and just prioritizing what's what's important, you know. Um but I would say too, too, um another aspect that I find that we tend to prioritize our children more, and that can be a um um um a hindrance to our our marriage and our intimacy with our spouse is allowing our children to sleep in the same bed. That came to me as I was really asking the Lord to show me things, and and I it's not that it's um it's not like intentional most of the time. It's like, you know, our kid woke up, they don't feel good, and and as a mom, we are very nurturing. And so we immediately want to snuggle, we want to take care, you know, it's very hard for us, especially if it's our first child, right? Um, to let them go. You know, um, it's kind of like the pacifier. If it drops on the first kid, you're like, clean that thing, get a new one, go buy another one because you can't reuse this one. And then the second child, you're like, oh, it fell. Okay, put it back in your mouth. But um, you know, I just want to speak into that because what I find is that the you're you're training the child, you're teaching them that they can come into your room at any point and get in between mom and dad's bed, and that really wreaks havoc in your intimacy. And what I've seen even in my own friends is they've allowed this to happen that it their child is sleeping with them all the time now. Or and then like they have to break that, and um and that then they're on the floor and then they're still in that room, and and it really disrupts the intimacy and and just the almost like that room is supposed to be your place of um is the word sauce uh that I'm looking for, like almost respite or for the two of you. It's almost sacred space.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

It's a sacred space for you and your spouse, your husband, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:09

And um, and so I would just encourage those parents that are doing that. Like you're not a bad parent because you did it, you know, like we've all done it. I did it with my first. Like, I'm I'm I'm speaking to me, and I learned very early on, like, hey, I can't do this because I had to break my first from being in the bed, from being in the room. It was very difficult. And it it you know, it did have wreak havoc, you know. Um, and so I'm speaking from experience, and then I also see friends that are doing it. And so um, you're not a bad parent, but I would just say um at this point, want being aware of it now, start the transition, you know, of like we're gonna we're gonna stop this now, yeah. Right, because it's important for our marriage.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

And I think there are times, you know, we didn't have the kids sleep in the bed with us. Um they were both in our room for the first two months because it was easier for me. They were in their basinette. At the very beginning, and then for quite a while, Tyson would come in if he had a bad dream or didn't feel well, but it wasn't every night by any means. And he would come in and I would let him stay for a little bit. But and um, and I that I think is it from time to time it's okay. But when it's every day, every night thing, because really to me, what that's showing is who are you prioritizing? Yeah, you're prioritizing that child over the spouse. And it doesn't mean that you always need to have availability to have sex with your spouse, like right, you know, and it's not even about I think sex, it's more of just sometimes probably probably, yeah, it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 15:54

Yeah, no, I agree, and I'll say like Roman uh no Noma recently had come in and uh into our room and he wasn't feeling good and it was like four o'clock in the morning, and I was like, I'm waking up at 6 30. So I let him sleep in the bed real quick. And um, and so we're not saying like there's one-offs, right? Of course there's one-offs. And um, and if and and when you have a new baby, like of course you're gonna have the baby in the bassinet. We're talking about as they get older and and not consistent. That's what we're talking about. Yeah, you know, um, it's the consistency that causes the tear. Um, so I totally I'm glad you brought that up, you know, because there again, it's boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and communication, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:43

There are extremes. We do not want to go to the extremes. They're not helping. Right. And and I know as as moms, we are nurturing, and especially when it's our first, you know, we just want to we're consumed by this child. But we have to be really careful to maintain our identities. Um, not yes, one of our identities is as a mom, yes, but that's not all of who we are. And I think being aware of that, and you know, was our kids were growing up, I always had things I was doing outside of the house that wasn't didn't relate to the kids, what church work or whatever it was. And I think it's important to maintain that because it's we've talked about this in other podcasts, it's not fair to make your child your identity because that puts way too much pressure on them.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

Um, that's also it's just not good for us as well. But then we get back to this point we started off talking about um when you become an empty nester, if your identity is your child and your child walks out that door to not come back except for visits, you're lost. Yeah. Um, and so that just comes, yeah. Let's make sure we just don't have our identities just in our children and then being intentional in our marriages is so important.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

And I just want to, I know we need to wrap up, and I just want to make a quick uh point. Let your kids see the affection between the two of you. Hug, kiss one another, hold each other's hand. Show them that that is an important aspect of marriage, and it gives them that security in the house as well to see that mom and dad love because part of uh communication is not just verbal, it's it's right, it's visual, it's through our, it's it's through our touch, it's through how we look at each other, and it and they're seeing that, you know. So like we could say all day long, oh I love you, I love you, and that's good. I love I love the I love you's in the home. Um, my dad grew up in a home where he wasn't told that. And he's it's he's an incredible dad, and he says it in our family, but it had it was a total switch for him. It was like, whoa, this is totally different. And my mom grew up in a home where she was told, I love you all the time, very affectionate Italian family. My dad grew up in a not really affectionate family. So my mom really like helped my dad to understand the importance of that, and he was able to break that off and bring um that into our family, the affection and the the words of love and things like that. But there is a difference between just saying it all the time and actually showing it. So make I would just say be a home where your children feel secure in it and they see how you love each other well, how you bless and serve each other, right? Because marriage is about serving one another and blessing one another with our servants, um, servanthood. And so let them see that because it's a horrible thing to say, but you do become like your parent, whether you like it or not. Right. There might be some aspects that you don't, but some that you do, you do. I mean, like I see a lot of my mom in me at times, which is a blessing. And and and you know, but you emulate what you see. Yeah, you know, and um that is just how that, you know, so so realize your kids are watching all the time.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Right. And and they might not like it. They may be like, ew, don't kiss, or you know, they might not like to see that. They might not think that they like it, but I still think it provides security and comes back to don't let the kids rule the house. Exactly. You're the parents, you set the boundaries, you set the tone for the house and stay the adult. I know it can be really hard with kids, and especially as they get into teenage years, that you kind of get pulled pulled into them and can be arguing with them because they're just they can turn into these little creatures period of time. But like to try to just be like, okay, Lord, help me stay the adult here and not feed into this, and you know, set the tone in your house and be affectionate with your spouse. And Chris and I aren't necessarily touchy-feely people, but there's times I'm like, but they need to see this, and it would be help us to be more so. So, you know, do do that and don't let them keep you away from doing that. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

So those are just some ways I think that we can create an environment where they feel safe and secure. And I and and one last thing too is you know, um, let them see your relationship with the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

Yeah. Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

If you want them to have a relationship with the Lord, they are gonna find it, they're gonna see it first through you. You are their example, period. You are so, and that is by far the most important aspect, I think, that is in as a parent that you that that's number one most important. And from there, everything else just kind of falls into place. The more you're seeking the Lord, the more you have the heart for intentionality towards your spouse, and the more you're a better parent all the way around. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

And it's and it's walking the walk, it's not just talking the talk. Exactly. I think you really have to be in the word and seeking for yourself to follow and not just telling your kids what to do with what they should do. We have to. Do it because our kids are really smart and they notice things. But we've really the last 10 years or so have really been pressing into the Lord, and Chris really started doing that at that point as well. And so our kids are now oh, Tyson turned 22 yesterday. Wow. Actually, and Mackenzie will be 25 in October. And they've seen the difference in us and in our marriage just because we've started walking more closely with the Lord. And that's the biggest testament, I think. That's all the best thing for them to see. So even, you know, great for the little kids to see. And if you like, I know you grew up with that in your household. I didn't really grow up with that in my household. But it doesn't matter the age, they're still going to see it because the Lord changes us when we let Him and holds us.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

So and you can start changing now. And you know, I even asked the Lord, in the areas that I have messed up with my children, would your grace just cover it? If there were areas that they saw things that uh, you know, were not good for them to see, help that to either use that and turn it around for good for them or just erase it. You know, like don't don't feel like, oh, well, my kids are already 15 or 8. No, you can start not too late. It's not too late, you know. Uh, and even with our oldest, like he didn't get to see all that, you know, um, because of our, you know, um blending of families and stuff. He got to see it not presented well, but now he sees God in a whole new light and he was out of the house at that point. So there is hope. I promise you, he's now like fasting on his own. He's seeking the Lord for all that he's doing. It's incredible, it's incredible. And so, but it was only in the last 10 years that he started to really see who God was because it we turned the page on that and we started, we just started, you know, seeking the Lord and going in that direction. So don't ever think that, oh, it's too late. God can redeem lost time.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

I will restore to you the years that the angry locusts have stolen. Joel, I think. That's scriptural.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

It is. He will restore it.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

He'll restore.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

So be encouraged.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

All right, we'll wrap it up now. I think we could keep talking forever. All right. Um, I can pray us out. Sounds good. Okay. Lord, we thank you. Uh, we thank you that you have given us your word to lead us and to guide us. Um, your word is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. And Lord, um, we just pray that you speak to each person who's hearing this. Lord, convict us in any area, Lord, that we are putting our children above you, above our marriage. Um, Lord, show us that. And Lord, help us. You are our helper, Father. Help us to um know how to change that. Um, and what does that look like for us? And how do we intentionally um put our marriage um above our kids and and you above all of it? And um, Lord, would you just, I thank you for marriage and I thank you for children, Lord. They are a blessing. And Lord, we thank you that we get to uh steward these little kids and these precious babies, Lord. And we pray, Lord, that as mothers that we prepare them um to be like an arrow, that we can shoot them off and they will all they will continue um just kingdom work, Father. Um, so Lord, help us to raise them up, to know you, to know who you are and the love that you have for them, that they can stand against anything that the enemy comes at them with because they know who they are and their identity is in you. And Lord, help us to know as women our identity in you so that we can be all that you are calling us to be in our marriages, our motherhood, our friendships. We love you, Lord. Thank you for all that you do for us in Jesus' name. Amen.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

So thank you so much for joining us on the Authentic Marriage Podcast. Again, I'm Lauren, and this is Brooke, and we'll see you next time.