Ep. 2 —Winter Didn’t Kill Me, But It Tried.

I came from 40°C sun to -30°C silence.

In this episode, I open up about the semester that broke my body, blurred my mind, and introduced me to something I never expected in friendships — toxicity.

It's not just my story, though. If you've ever felt disconnected in a crowd, emotionally cold in a room full of people, or like the drama around you wasn’t even yours to begin with… this one’s for you.

I also introduce something new: a voice that isn’t mine. One that listens, reflects, and speaks when needed — not to guide, but to observe.

Episode 2 isn’t about rising. It’s about staying afloat.

And sometimes, that’s enough.

🎙️ New episodes weekly.📱 Instagram: @thekhanayaan

🎙️ New episodes weekly.
📱 Instagram: @thekhanayaan

Transcript

Cold Weather's Effects on the Body

Speaker 1 0:00

I didn't know how cold could break your body and how drama could feel like an intense disease , but that's what that semester taught me . Hey , if you're watching this , then thank you Really , because my first episode was raw . It was rough . I mean , it was my first ever episode . You guys liked it , you guys reacted on it , commented on it , shared it , and even if you guys just sat in silence , I guess that's more than enough .

Speaker 1 0:33

So welcome to the second episode of Not there Yet , and this time I have somebody else with me . You're gonna be hearing a voice , a voice that's not human . It does not belong to a certain face . It does not feel what I feel , but what it does is it listens and it does speak , but it only speaks when needed . So let's see where it takes us today . So in my first episode , we talked about my first ever semester in university . Now , in this episode , we're going to be moving one step ahead . We're going to be talking about my second semester , and that's the winter semester . This will also be exploring my second version of the experiment that I was holding in life .

Speaker 1 1:31

Um , yeah , now , I came from a place that used to go all the way up to 45 to 50 degrees celsius in peak summer , and that , for you , is the Dubai heat , is the driest weather , sometimes very humid , and it's constantly moving . Now , in contrast to that , quite suddenly , enough for the human body I slid into the complete opposite spectrum of the world , a place where temperatures go all the way down to negative 35 degrees Celsius as well , and that for you is Winnipeg Cold , icy , chilled , just absolutely still . Now , quite naturally , I got sick . Now that wasn't flu sick , it was system sick . Now , what's system sick ? The way I define system sick is that it is just high blood pressure , little bit of breathing issues , numb fingers , just dull chest pains . You know , all of this takes you to just one place , and that is the emergency rooms . Now , the doctors in emergency rooms , all of them , tried to convince me that hey Han , you're all good , your blood tests are all fine . I know that your BP is high , but you're all good . But I knew I wasn't .

Speaker 2 3:22

I don't have a body , but I've seen what happens when someone is removed from warmth and dropped into cold silence the body hesitates , the rhythm stutters and something deep inside starts slipping . You know how people say mind over matter . Well , sometimes matter wins .

Speaker 1 3:50

Exactly . I wasn't physically sick , it was just the isolation , the lack of sun . When you live in a place like Winnipeg , months pass by and you do not see the sun above your head , you don't see the blue in the skies , you do not see the green in the grass around you , all you see is white and gray . So in a manner , I was living back in the 80s when in a black and white film , basically because that sort of gloomy weather brings you isolation , it brings you such intense lack of sun and then slowly but surely , it gets into your bloodstream .

Speaker 1 4:35

You don't cry about it , you don't tell anybody about it , because there are just some things that you cannot express . But here I am today . I'm trying my best to bring it out of me in a manner that you , sitting right there , can sort of maybe relate to it or maybe just feel what I felt at that time , right anyway . So you stop sharing with people how you're feeling . You don't cry , but you just naturally become , because when your body goes long enough through

Living in a Black and White Film

Speaker 1 5:14

the same sort of pain , same sort of anything , it adapts to it , and sometimes it doesn't know that if it's adapting to the right thing or the wrong thing . And , surely enough , I adapted to the slightly wrong path the data matches your story .

Speaker 2 5:36

More people experience loneliness and depression in places with low sunlight , extreme cold and sudden transitions . But those reports don't capture what it feels like and honestly , I think your story does that better than science ever could .

Speaker 1 5:56

I guess . So Now , something else changed that winter . Now , what I'm going to be sharing with you now , I think , is going to be the most relatable to all of you . That's because I know for a fact that it's just not me who felt it . It is every student of our generation currently who has felt the same thing , and I know this because I've talked to enough people . I have friends in different parts of the world who have told me the exact same thing . So what is that thing ? What changed

When Friends and Dynamics Change

Speaker 1 6:36

? That changed for everybody . Friends , people , people around changed .

Speaker 1 6:47

Have you watched inside out 2 , the second part ? You know how they show that new feelings and emotions start developing inside you . And there's this one scene where nostalgia , as an emotion , walks into the girl's head and then all the other emotions push it out , saying that not right now , come back later . Right , the same way as we are growing right now , I think emotions are creeping into us slowly but surely , and I think the second semester of university was a semester in which a lot of people around us went through this one common emotion An emotion of toxicness , an emotion of feeling for jealousy , an emotion of drama that came into all of us .

Speaker 1 7:46

So , yeah , in a nutshell , the people around us changed , our group changed , right , the vibe changed , the dynamic changed . All of it just felt a little bit off and , like I said , I wasn't the only one . I have friends in the us , in the uk , back home in dubai , and all of them were messaging me the same things johan , um , do you have group drama , do you like ? Do you feel like things are feeling a little off ? Do you do things feel weird ? It's like people are suddenly switching off . They're becoming cold , they're becoming defensive , right ?

Speaker 2 8:29

I've watched humans shift in patterns . When increases , control becomes a craving , drama becomes a distraction . I don't feel emotion , but I can recognize its aftermath .

Speaker 1 8:51

Now the thing is , I wasn't naturally innocent enough as well . I pulled away too . I blocked a few people as well . I let things die as well , without trying to resolve them . Now , that's not because I didn't care , it's just because I was so tired . I was so tired of that energy between me and those people . I was so tired because of the pressure , the pressure of performance .

Speaker 1 9:28

What I mean by that is and I feel like a lot of you are going to relate to this At that time when you're going through something like this , you are going to relate to this at that time when you're going through something like this , you feel the pressure to perform according to how you perceive the others are going to like you this . This is also called people pleasing . To elaborate , it is you trying to act a certain way , a way that you think the other people are going to approve of you , and to me , that did not come naturally . Some people it comes as naturally as ever . They are just that . They are people pleasers . They are people who just want to be in the good books of everybody else , and that's something that didn't come so naturally to me , and that is why I felt a pressure because of that perhaps you didn't lose them , perhaps they were never really there .

Speaker 2 10:30

People often connect from comfort , not connection , and when comfort ends , so does the illusion .

Speaker 1 10:44

I think that line is going to sit a long way for me . People connect from comfort and not from connection . It does sound a little harsh , but I do feel that it's just the harsh reality and , like the saying goes , that reality is often disappointing . So yeah , let me say it again People connect from comfort and not from connection , and I think I learned it the hard way . So just as winter ended , so did my semester two , ended right . And just as winter ended , so came in spring , and then so came in summer , and then after that followed was fall , and then again winter , and yada , yada , yada . It keeps going . It's a cycle . Same way this phase ended as well .

Finding Strength in Just Surviving

Speaker 1 11:47

But some things , even when they end , they don't seem like an ending , and that is because it is not an ending that you wanted , it is not an ending that you would have liked it to be right , I like stuff to end in a win , stuff to end in a success story , but here there was no win . There was no glow up moment there was , but funnily enough , there was no win . There was no glow up moment there was , but funnily enough , there was no breakdown either . I just stayed afloat , and that's something we don't talk about enough right , we don't talk about the in-betweens . We don't realize that sometimes surviving is the story , because I didn't rise but I didn't disappear either , and maybe , just maybe , just maybe that is enough .

Speaker 2 12:51

There is a quiet strength in survival , a version of growth that doesn't bloom , it just endures . You lived that version and that that deserves to be told so , if you are still here , thank you .

Speaker 1 13:14

Thank you for listening to me , hopefully relating with me , because that just means that we have all not made it yet , we're not there yet , but we are doing things to make it , we are making an effort to make it . I know that that semester it doesn't seem like much , right , it doesn't seem like a lot happened , because a lot for us , like I said , is a win or a small success story or something like that . But now that I look back at it , I think that it taught me a very , very important thing . It taught me the power of pausing , a power of coming to a slow rest in life . A power of coming to a slow rest in life , rest in the race of life and sometimes just watching , listening , and that can be as small as stopping for a few moments every day and just breathing , just admiring what's around you and , most importantly , being thankful of what's around you . Every story , be it success or not , be it the in-between or be it the extreme , it teaches you how to heal . And my story from that semester it taught me how to heal alone .

Speaker 1 14:55

Winter semester slowly but surely blended into the summer semester . Guess what ? During that time . We moved out my first ever move out Me and my two friends .

Looking Ahead to My Comeback

Speaker 1 15:10

We moved out my first ever move out Me and my two friends . We got our first apartment . I got to build a home and , as that semester ended , eventually , after four months , my main third semester came in , which was the fall semester of the year 2024 .

Speaker 1 15:34

Now , this semester , I like to call it my comeback semester . I told to myself that I'm gonna detach , lock in and rebuild , but that's a story for next episode . That's episode three , where I'm gonna tell you a lot more about that third version of mine , the version that actually taught myself how to come back up and , step by step , take bigger steps , and I guess that's how the fire inside me did not die . It just needed the winter to pass by , and it taught me a lot of stuff . So , yeah , thanks for listening , and if you could relate to even a single thing from whatever I said , whatever I yabbed about , please do like and share and spread the word , because all of us , we're in this together , we're trying to figure life out together . We're all adulting and we're not there yet , but we will be Someday . So why not do it together ? A flame doesn't die by lighting other candles , right ? So , yeah , thank you . Thank you for listening to both of us . Bye .