How Great Managers Prevent Team Conflict (Before It Even Starts)

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Your team finally hits its stride, but how do you keep it that way? Learn the simple mindset that prevents conflict before it starts, builds trust fast, and keeps meetings focused. Practical scripts you can use today. 

Last week we talked about five steps to turn workplace drama into team trust. The week before that, how to handle a negative employee. Today we protect those gains by shifting how you show up, before issues grow.

Teams slip back into artificial harmony, side conversations, and missed expectations. Leaders either jump to conclusions or avoid hard talks, and meetings drag without decisions. 

Pain points
 • Circular, low-energy meetings and quiet disengagement
 • Second-guessing intentions and reacting to incomplete stories
 • Pressure to have all the answers as a new manager 

Solution
 Lead with curiosity. Desiree breaks it into four practical habits you can model and coach:

1. Assume positive intent to create space before you respond.
2. Encourage the right kind of conflict so passion fuels progress, not drama.
3. Test the story you’re telling yourself to get out of assumptions and into facts.
4. Ask better, smaller questions like “What am I missing?”, “What does success look like for you?”, and “What’s getting in your way?”, so people own the outcome.

You’ll also hear how personality wiring (DISC and Working Genius) affects your default reactions, and why curiosity beats certainty when you want a team that’s engaged, accountable, and drama-free. 

Key Takeaways
 • Curiosity before conclusions keeps conflict constructive.
 • Treat conflict as feedback to solve the real issue, not the symptoms.
 • Small, open questions unlock clarity, buy-in, and faster decisions.

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Transcript

Desiree (00:13.774)
You know that feeling when your team finally hits its stride. The tough conversations have been had. The tension is gone. People are working together and even laughing again. And you think, can it please just stay this way? No more drama, no more awkward meetings, just good, solid team engagement. Well, that's what this episode is about. Today we are talking about the one mindset shift that stops team conflict before it starts. This isn't about fixing problems after they happen. It's about creating an environment

where those problems don't have the chance to grow because you address them in an appropriate amount of time. This mindset will ultimately change how you respond to tension, how you handle tough conversations, and how your team will feel about coming to you when things get hard. So if you've ever wished that your team could get to a good place and stay there, this episode is for you. Welcome back to You're the Boss, Now What. I'm Desiree Petriq.

Desiree (01:16.248)
I'm your host, Desiree Petriq, and our goal here is to help you lead yourself and your team with confidence.

Desiree (01:28.014)
For the past two weeks, we've been talking about what happens when team dynamics start to break down. We've talked about how to deal with a negative employee and what to do when that negativity turns it to full blown team drama. Both of those episodes had one thing in common, rebuilding trust after it's been broken. But today, I wanna talk about how to protect that trust, how to stop conflict before it starts or starts again.

Desiree (01:57.944)
So here it is, I don't wanna bury the lead. The one mindset shift that will change everything is leading with curiosity. It sounds simple, but honestly, it's so powerful. Leading with curiosity will keep your team strong, connected, and drama-free because it helps you to stay open when everyone else seems to be closing off, you will be able to bring it back to.

Desiree (02:32.864)
It sounds simple, but it is honestly so powerful. Leading with curiosity is gonna help you keep your team strong, connected, and drama-free. And I know it can sound a little bit fluffy and a little impractical, so let's make it practical. There are four ways that you can actually do this from day to day. Four mantras, if you will, that you can use to guide how you respond under pressure. Before we dive in though, I want you to understand that some people are going to feel like this is easy.

and they're already doing this and they're pausing before they speak and ultimately they just want what everyone else wants and it doesn't matter to them. So it's going to feel easy to lead with curiosity. It's hard for me. Depending on your personality style, it could potentially be hard for you too. If you've ever taken a disc assessment, you already know that we all lead differently and I am a high I and D, which means that I move fast, I decide fast, I talk fast.

sometimes even a little assertively or aggressively, curiosity doesn't tend to come natural to me. But the more I have practiced it, the more that I have seen how it changes everything about how I lead, how I interact with people, how I build my friendships and relationships and how genuine and deep those connections are, it will change everything for you. I could go on and on with all the different personality styles too, but I think that was enough of an example for you.

If you want to understand your own leadership though and what your personality style says about you and the way that you will probably fit into this, you can take your disc or working genius assessment at intentionalaction.net slash self dash awareness. Don't worry, the link is in the show notes. You can go in, take your assessment and I will even do a debrief with you if you would like. So, okay, enough talk. Let's jump in. Mindset number one, assume positive intent. If you've ever been to one of my workshops,

Listen to this podcast, read my book, et cetera. You have heard this one before. Assume positive intent. But I think some people take this wrong. It doesn't mean ignoring bad behavior or pretending that everything is fine. That might feel good for a while and you might even be able to trick yourself into thinking that everything is fine. But all that assuming positive intent means or should mean is that you're giving yourself space, time between what you experience

Desiree (04:57.452)
and the conclusion that you come to. So for example, maybe a team member isn't pulling their weight. They are not doing the things that are within their responsibility to do. You might be really frustrated. Your immediate reaction, like it would be for me, is to jump to frustration. Instead, I say to myself, assume positive intent. I think, could there be something I don't know?

Did I, as the leader, set clear expectations? If I'm another employee and they're my coworker, I'm thinking, do they know that this is their responsibility or is it something that we need to talk about? Did something happen with them? It's a today thing. There's so many different examples of what could be happening, especially if it's not a repetitive thing. Assuming positive intent just gives us time to ask ourselves these questions, to coach ourselves through leading with curiosity.

and you're not excusing the problem, I never want you to excuse the problem. We just talked about in the last episode, if we're staying silent, that is the number one indication that something is wrong. We're just staying curious long enough to find out the real cause. So if it turns out that their intent isn't positive, you get to address that. But curiosity gives us clarity before we react. I know that sounds like something you should monogram on a pillow, but ultimately what it means is that

We have a tendency, I say we as in a lot of people with my type of personality have a tendency to jump to conclusions and maybe even you with whatever personality style you have would still jump to that conclusion. You just would never do anything about it. I'm the type that will jump to a conclusion and act. So taking and assuming positive intent, it's not about being naive, it's not ignoring the problem, it's not letting people be excused from bad behavior, it's about being intentional.

in understanding where you are and where your mindset is and what your intentions are with maybe potentially even confronting that person or maybe you are willing to let it go because it is a one-time thing and it's not a big deal. You have to decide how you're going to utilize it because every situation, whether it's your spouse or a family member or a coworker or a leader or an employee, they're all going to have different circumstances around them. But assuming positive intent is just giving yourself enough time

Desiree (07:12.792)
to have that conversation within your own head before you act or don't act. Mindset number two, encourage the right kind of conflict. So if you're the kind of leader who avoids conflict, this one specifically is for you, because I know that avoiding tension feels easier in the moment. Again, if this is you, go back and make sure you listen to the last episode where we talk a little bit more about why that's not a good thing. But it's going to create bigger problems later. Without healthy debate.

our meetings are gonna get repetitive. Our energy is gonna drop. People are gonna disengage. I think they call it quiet quitting these days. You're gonna end up with artificial harmony, which means everyone is smiling and they're polite and everything seems fine, but no one is saying what needs to be said. There's gossip happening. People are not paying attention and they're starting to look for other jobs. This happens far too often.

because there's ultimately three types of destructive conflict. These are the kinds that our head always jumps to. It's why a lot of us are avoiding of conflict. So first kind, combative. It's all about ego. People want what they want because they want it. This is the kind of person who can't necessarily be coached out of something.

Desiree (08:39.01)
There are three types of destructive conflict. There is combative conflict. This is an ego-based driven conflict approach. Two people at a table want what they want because they want it and they are fighting with no end goal in mind other than if I don't win, I lose. I always think of it like a nasty divorce where you're sitting across with a mediator in the middle, like totally speechless because people have absolutely no desire to actually work it out. They just want to fight to fight. This is what I think of with combative.

I don't know that it ever gets that bad in a work setting, but it definitely is obvious when people are unwilling to bend to a possible solution. That's what combative ego is. It's very noticeable, sometimes even loud. I don't see it all that often because, like I said, most of the time silence is where it comes in. And that definitely aligns with the second type of conflict, which is collusion. Ultimately, we're all avoiding it at the same time. People are walking on eggshells with each other. We're gossiping to people.

outside of the actual people who need to be talking about it. We're standing over the top of a car talking 20 minutes, 30 an hour, let's be honest. If we didn't enjoy what was said in a meeting or something happened where we couldn't believe and we're standing there gossiping instead of addressing it. I call it artificial harmony. I think this was originally said in an Arbinger Institute book, but artificial harmony is ultimately.

Desiree (10:11.736)
Artificial harmony is exactly what it sounds like. Everything looks fine. People are being polite. They're smiling at each other, but they don't actually like each other. They're not willing to trust that the other has the other's best interests and heart. And ultimately it leads to the next kind of conflict, which is combustive. Everything is fine. It's fine. It's fine. And then it explodes. Whether the best employee or the most engaging employee leaves because they couldn't handle it anymore.

Maybe there actually is a blow up over the conference room table and people are screaming at each other and someone storms out, all of these different things. It's gonna look different for every workplace. But those are the three kinds of destructive conflict.

Desiree (11:03.96)
This is what I mean when I say encourage the right kind of conflict. We don't want to encourage those types of conflict, the combative, the collusion, the combustive type. There is a type of conflict that we want. This is the type where people are challenging ideas and not one another because we have the best.

Desiree (11:33.026)
because we have a desire to have the best outcome. We are disagreeing because we have a desire to have better decisions and we're not scared. We have enough trust that allows for that kind of honesty to say, is my opinion and I'm okay changing it, but I need to have a solid conversation around why it needs to be changed in order to be able to move off of this. That's what constructive conflict is. Ultimately, it's just a conversation.

Yes, it might get a little heated, maybe a little passionate, a little bit of spirited debate, but it is constructive at the end of the day. And you can leave that meeting knowing that there are no hard feelings. There will be no gossip because everything that needed to be said was said during that time. We can dive into this more if it's a topic that you're interested in. But these different types of conflict, they're all prevalent in our workplaces. We just have to make sure that as the leader, we are leading with curiosity. We are shaping.

the tone by asking the questions, by listening to the quieter voices, maybe even encouraging those quieter voices to speak up. It makes sure that everyone's voice is heard. And even though sometimes it feels a little uncomfortable, ultimately it is productive. Conflict is not proof that something is wrong. It is proof that people care. And we need to encourage that in our team. Even if it's a little uncomfortable, I promise you it will get better. Mindset number three.

test the story that you're telling. Have you ever noticed how fast we make up stories? Someone doesn't reply to an email or they don't smile at us when we walk in the door on a Monday morning and we are immediately convinced that they are mad at us. I do this too. I called my sisters the other day to confirm weekend plans and one after the other they didn't answer and my immediate thought was what did I do wrong? Even though I had spoken to them the

the day before and there was no time to do anything wrong. It's just where our head goes. We can spend that five minutes or two days spiraling in negative talk, or we can go back to the first two points and assume positive intent where we either recognize that it's probably not us and give it a little time or we confront them with it, assuming they answer. The second piece is that we can engage in some positive and productive conflict and say, hey, this is the story that I'm making up in my head.

Desiree (13:55.854)
Can you help me to work through this? We do this at work all the time. Someone skips a hello or pushes a deadline or forgets an exclamation point in an email or a text message. And suddenly we've written an entire narrative in our head that they are frustrated or mad or we did something. Leading with curiosity just means that we test these stories inside our head before we make a conclusion. Try saying, the story that I'm telling myself is that you're frustrated with me.

with me about this project. Can you tell me what's really going on? That would be an example of vulnerability in action. I saw a post on LinkedIn the other day. It's like vulnerability gets a bad rep because everyone assumes it means that you are crying and telling your entire life story and wanting people to feel bad for you. And I had to laugh because I see this all the time. People are scared of vulnerability. Vulnerability is just admitting that you're not perfect. You...

are able to make mistakes, but you're also able to ask for help that you don't have all the answers. And that is going to build trust way faster than pretending like nothing is wrong. The stories that we tell ourselves in our head are only prevalent to us, and they're only going to affect us if we don't say something out loud, if we don't ask the right questions, if we don't test that story. So stop reacting to the story in your head and instead ask yourself,

What is true? And if you need to go even further, ask the other person what is true. I promise you, you're going to save yourself a lot of headache. Mindset number four, ask better questions. This one is tough for me and I kind of explained it in the intro, but with my personality styles and honestly, like a lot of leaders, I want to have all the answers. Sometimes I feel like that's what leadership is, is just having all the answers. But when I walk into conversations and I'm trying to prove that I'm right,

or if you're asking.

Desiree (16:03.97)
But when we walk into conversations trying to prove that we're right, if we engage in a sales conversation and try and prove why we're the best fit as opposing to why we can help them overcome what's happening with them, if we ask judgment questions disguised as trying to be helpful, like didn't we already talk about this or why didn't you do it the way that we originally discussed? I know they sound like questions and I'm sure your intent is to be helpful by reminding them what was already discussed. But ultimately, they're judgments and they shut people down.

If we are leading with curiosity, if we are asking better questions, it's going to sound more open-ended. It's going to sound more curious, like asking an employee, can you explain to me what I'm missing? It immediately shows that you are willing to be open to different perspectives. You could ask, what does success look like for you? It's going to show that, yes, you have an idea of what success is going to look like. You have an end goal in mind, but they do too.

And if those goals don't match and the project is now finished and you're upset because it didn't look like what you wanted it to, that is on you as the leader to have not asked better questions so that you could come to a place where the end goal looked the same for both of you and started that conversation early. Again, proactive as opposed to reactive. You could ask questions like what's getting in your way? We did an entire episode on one-on-one meetings and this is a huge one.

This is making sure that you are asking them upfront what is getting in your way as opposed to waiting for that to explode in a combative type of conflict where they say, well, you have not helped me and this is I don't have enough time and I have too much on my plate and this person isn't helping me in the way that they should, et cetera, et cetera. If we are asking that question, what is getting in your way? And we have built up enough trust for them to actually be vulnerable and honest enough to share that with us.

we're gonna cut a lot of that frustration down. We're gonna stay in a place that feels good, even though we are still having that conflict and it still does get a little heated and uncomfortable, we're not gonna have to worry about it exploding on us. So these types of questions, they invite ownership both for us, but for the other person. And that's what drives passion. If we can get them to answer questions and to feel invested and to be passionate,

Desiree (18:26.658)
they're going to stay engaged far longer. They're going to care as much as you want them to. This creates the space for people to think, to actually have an opinion and not feel the need to constantly defend what they're doing, which is when people start to pull away and to take a step back. So because your job as a leader isn't to have all the answers, we have to recognize that it is to help your team to find the right path forward. Curiosity is going to beat that certainty every time.

And even as a leader, you might have the answers, but it's not your job to share them all the time. It is your job to help your team to come to conclusions and hopefully all of the end games match in the end. So I want to do a quick recap of these. If you take nothing else from today, just remember that curiosity will always beat certainty. Curiosity is going to be the thing that allows your team to continue to grow stronger.

and to understand one another better. When you assume positive intent, you waste less energy on frustration. When you treat conflict as feedback, you stop taking everything so personally. When you test the stories in your head, you get out of the drama and into reality. And when you ask better questions, you create more ownership and passion on your team, which at the end of the day is what I am told time and time again from leaders that they want. More engagement, more ownership, more passion.

This is how you protect trust. Whether you had a huge conflict that you overcame or you've never had it and you just don't want it, this is how you stop conflict before it starts. Leading with curiosity is the ultimate proactive approach to good team engagement and leadership development. It is what separates managers who react from leaders who coach. And I know that you want to be someone who brings other people up and grows them. You wouldn't be listening to this if you weren't.

So just remember that leadership

Desiree (20:39.022)
So please recognize that I understand this isn't easy. Me more than anyone recognizes that this approach isn't always easy, but it has made an ultimate.

Desiree (20:53.944)
but it has made a huge difference in the way that I lead. It has made a huge difference in the executive leaders that I have worked with and their teams. I promise you, it will make a difference. So let me know how this goes for you. Let me know if you feel like this is easy or if this is gonna be an uphill battle for you. I would love to support you. Send me a message on LinkedIn or send me an email. The link is in the show notes.

Next week, I am joined by fellow leadership facilitator, Nadine, and we are going to dig into how managers can build trust and

Desiree (21:34.946)
how managers can build trust in an AI world, what stays timeless, what needs to evolve, and how to keep your team connected no matter how much technology changes. So make sure you hit follow or subscribe so you don't miss the next episode. Thank you for being here. Send me a message on LinkedIn if you found this helpful. Share this episode with a friend. I appreciate you all for helping to continue to grow this podcast. Thank you for being here. And just remember that leadership is a privilege, but it's also a really big responsibility.

and you're the boss now. So what are you gonna do with it?