Why It’s So Hard to Make Connections as an Adult at Work

Making connections as an adult feels harder than ever, especially at work.

But the problem usually isn’t networking.
 It’s discomfort.
 It’s phones.
 It’s staying in our comfort zones.

In this episode, Desiree sits down with Nichelle Lund to talk about communication in the workplace, workplace loneliness, and why relationship-building is one of the most overlooked leadership skills for managers and professionals today.

They discuss awkward networking events, making people feel included, building trust at work, and simple ways to create more genuine connections without feeling fake or forced.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN:

•  Why making connections as an adult feels so uncomfortable 
•  How to build better work relationships and stronger workplace communication 
•  Small ways leaders and managers can help people feel seen and included at work 

When you finish listening, I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway from today’s episode. Take a screenshot while listening, share it to your Instagram stories, and tag me @desireepetrich!

While you’re there, make sure you follow me for more leadership development conversations, new manager tips, and practical leadership skills you can apply immediately at work.

CONNECT WITH NICHELLE LUND:

This podcast for managers is here to help you:

• Grow your leadership development
 • Navigate team management with confidence
 • Learn how to handle conflict at work
 • Apply real, practical leadership tips

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Transcript

Desiree (00:01.083)
All right, friends, we are here with Nichelle. And the number one question I asked her prior to hitting record was how do we make sure people know that this is an important message they have to listen to, regardless of how they feel about the word, quote unquote, networking? So, Nichelle, tell us why this is your passion and why they should not stop listening.

Nichelle Lund (00:22.126)
I love networking and I've found that I am really good at it mostly because I've got such a wide array of networking experience. I'm currently in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, so I'm in a big little town. But I also have experience networking in Houston, Texas, which is a huge major metropolitan area.

And then I also have a lot of experience in kind of those small ancillary towns that kind of feed into larger markets. And you have to treat all of them very differently. You network differently in Houston than you do in Sioux Falls than you do in Marshall or Lake of the Woods where my husband's from. So making sure you're stewarding those relationships in the way that they need to be stewarded.

is very important. I have worked with clients here in Sioux Falls that I had way back in the day in Houston, Texas. And that's because I took care of them at that point in time. I hope that people are reading the room and kind of knowing where you're at, but know that it will feed your network and your relationships much longer than right now and what can...

What, can I serve you tomorrow? It's how can I serve you from now until forever?

Desiree (01:52.571)
It's really interesting. I did an event for college students at our local college here. And one of the questions that they asked me was, how do you keep pouring into that relationship, especially one that you make like on LinkedIn or, you know, it's virtually or maybe even you meet them in a networking event and you don't anticipate seeing them again if, you know, for a long time. How are you, you know, maintaining those relationships? You said pouring into them. How do you?

How do you do that when you're virtual and you're not seeing each other on a typical basis? What are some of the steps you can do to do that?

Nichelle Lund (02:27.269)
I like to have kind of buckets for my relationships and different times of year, seasons in life, they're going to come up. And it's recalling that information and kind of knowing where...

They were then and anticipating changes because nobody hopefully is staying the same. Recently, I was helping an organization do some fundraising and I literally went through my text messages and I got all the way to two years ago and I found a contact. like, I haven't touched base with her in forever. And I sent her a text and I was like, hey, life has changed so much in the last two years. I would love to do a virtual coffee with you.

keep me updated where you're at now and let's get something on the books sooner rather than later. And we now have a coffee scheduled for next week. And so much has changed in her life too. And so it's when people come across your desk or come across your mind or come across your text messages, like making the effort to say, you know what? They came across my mind for a reason. I need to reach out.

Same thing kind of goes with your friends. If somebody pops into your head, you never know what they're going through. They may need that, hey, you know what? I was thinking about you. Let's schedule a call sometime soon. So I treat my work relationships and my connections very similarly to the way I do my friendships, because that's eventually what they kind of evolve into anyway.

Desiree (04:04.923)
What about for someone who it's not their job, it's my job and it's your job to make these connections? That's literally how we maintain our work. What about for the person who seemingly doesn't need that? Who's like, just, I go to work and I sit behind a desk and I'm not required to know the outside world and my boss doesn't encourage me to go to networking stuff? A, what's the point of them doing this work that we say is so important, but then how do they go about it?

when it doesn't seem like they need it.

Nichelle Lund (04:35.948)
Yep. I would say that everybody has a voice for your company, whether you own the company or if you're just an employee. If you want to clock in and clock out nine to five and not think about that place ever again, you are still a representative of that organization and it does matter because who you present yourself and how you present yourself to the outside world is

regardless of whether you're Clapton or not, a reflection of who you work for and how you present yourself. So I would say it does matter a lot more than you think. And even if you sit behind a desk all day, every day, having a little bit of pride in where you work will go a long way. And the first two questions anybody ever asks you is, how are you doing? What's your name? And what do you do?

And so having that answer of like, this is who I am. I'm not my job, but this is what my day job is. And this is what I do. And you might make a connection. And again, it might not be as straightforward as I am a business development specialist for XYZ. could be, you know what? I run numbers all day for this company and it could strike up a conversation.

My aunt did that, my uncle did that. That six degrees of separation situation can come up in any conversation and it could lead to other things and that's relationship building, whether you want to see it as that or not.

Desiree (06:17.839)
When I spoke to these students, I kept using the word uncomfortable. Like we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations because they're going to do so much to multiply our value that we have, you know, with ourselves, with other people, whatever. And I was thinking about you the other day because for those listening, Nichelle and I met when we were preparing for Disrupt HR. And if you don't know what that is, literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's five minute talk.

Nichelle Lund (06:43.084)
Yes.

Desiree (06:44.987)
with those slides progressing every, was it five seconds? No, every 20 seconds. I was like, God, it was harder than I remember.

Nichelle Lund (06:49.038)
Every 20 seconds. Every 15 seconds, because it's 20 slides in five minutes. So every 15 seconds.

Desiree (06:57.627)
Yeah, I don't math. But the reason that I say that is because I we could have went in there thinking like we're competitors. There's a prize at the end. We need to crush the competition, whatever mentality that would look like. But instead, we went in and we kind of reveled in each other's panic and all the different things. And I said, now, any time that I think about your town, not even just you, but that town, I'm like, the people there are friendly.

The people there are going to support you. And that's how I want you to think about this with your work too. Like be that person that creates a positive experience for the people around you to say, the people that work at the company you work at, they are so friendly. They are so kind. If I saw them out and about, they would know who I am. They would remember my name and they would make me feel good. Like you might not think that you hold that much weight for your company's reputation.

But you do, whether you're in accounting and you never leave your office or you are the face of your company, you have so much more weight than you would have ever realized.

Nichelle Lund (08:03.734)
And one thing, and we do this in the workplace, we do this at networking events, we do this when we're out and about, and it's something that I very intentionally try not to do, and I try to be very open, is we tend to, somebody made the analogy, we make a bagel, or we make a donut, or whatever, and we keep the circle tight, and we close ranks when we're having conversations with people we're comfortable with, and I have,

started to kind of make a crescent instead. And so I'm constantly angled so that there is an opening to bring people in, join our conversation. Like we are not a clique. I don't want to ever be seen as somebody who is cliquey. It happens, but that the goal is not to be that person. And so I recently commented on somebody's LinkedIn post. And I was like, my

biggest flaw, and I know that this is a flaw, is if somebody gets introduced to me, and this happened yesterday, I was very self-reflective on it. Somebody was introduced to me. She was new to this organization. Nichelle, this is Peyton. Peyton, Nichelle. I was like, hi, how are you? Tell me a little bit about you, what's going on? New to the area, amazing. I would love to introduce you to a few people.

And then I proceeded to introduce her to quite literally almost 20 to 30 people. And while that was probably a wonderful way to be introduced to this group of individuals, I know she left there going, what just happened? What whirlwind situation did I just get into? And my goal was so that she could come into the next situation and know somebody.

be comfortable coming into a room of strangers and saying, okay, I know I met at least one of these people last time I was in this room. And so the goal was genuinely to be nice and to be very Midwest as it were, but I'm pretty sure I overwhelm more people than not in that scenario.

Desiree (10:17.679)
So how do we say, I'm an individual, I'm listening to this, okay, you girls convinced me, I'm gonna go to a networking event. How do we go in and make sure that we don't leave feeling overwhelmed? Or we do go in and make sure that we aren't feeling like we're not allowed in the clicks that are already there, because everyone knows each other. How do we start those relationships?

Nichelle Lund (10:39.542)
I think one amazing thing that is actively changing around organizations is that they have almost like an ambassador or diplomat committees or even welcoming committees that have special name tags. And those people are very much designed to be your go-tos if you're new. And so...

you are encouraged as new members or the staff will come up and say, hey, this is a new member. You know, can you kind of show them the ropes and acknowledging that, you know, it's very overwhelming. It's overstimulating and it's extremely uncomfortable to be a new person in a big room with a lot of people and remember what it felt like for you. I would find. When I was new.

I would find one conversation and try to connect with one person in that circle. I have no problem going up to a group of people and inserting myself. A lot of people aren't that way. That is very unusual. That is not the norm. And so I think that if you are that person in the room who's comfortable,

Desiree (11:43.173)
same.

Nichelle Lund (11:54.955)
acknowledging the people, the wall flowers, the people that are standing by themselves and making a conscious effort to include them. And it might just be in that small group. You know, it might just be one or two people that they have a conversation with. And if you know that they're new, encourage them and say, you know what, you only need to be here for 20 minutes. But in that 20 minutes, I really want you to try and connect with one person because that could make the difference between them coming back or not. This person.

you kind of read people. She probably left very overwhelmed, but she was grateful to be introduced to everybody. She had really good conversations with everyone. knowing your audience too helps a lot. But I would say keep an eye out for the people that are by themselves and.

Always remember what it felt like to be the new guy. Always remember what it feels like to step into a room and be extremely uncomfortable and not know anybody. Because there is at least one, if not more, people in the room like that every single time you go in there.

Desiree (12:58.267)
I was listening to a podcast the other day and the title was like, why are we so nostalgic for the 90s? Why does it seem like that was the year or the decade that we need to go back to? And one of the things was meeting people felt so much easier. And one of the reasons being that when we were at a bar or a coffee shop or a networking event, like there was no phone to be our scapegoat. We had to look up. We had to look people in the eye and say hello. Otherwise we were just

you know, sitting there by ourselves. And that's a really big piece of my advice to myself. Even if I go to a coffee shop or something like that, I'm like, put your phone down and look up every once in a while, see who's around, see who you can say hi to, smile at. You don't know the ripple effect that you can have on someone simply by the fact that you were paying attention.

Nichelle Lund (13:48.803)
Right. And I think we are especially, and maybe this has shifted in the last, I'm going to say two decades, or maybe just as I've become an adult and kind of stepped into it, but you are what you do and we self-identify so much of like what we bring to the world. And I've liked to kind of,

Hi, I'm Nichelle Lund. What was the most recent book that you've read? And asking something that's not related to a job or a title, because there are a lot of people that are...

solopreneurs trying to figure it out. There's a lot of people freelancing who are like just one project after another. There's a lot of people who are sitting in a box, they're in an accounting office and they don't talk to anybody all day. So that's not a question they're comfortable with. like, theoretically, everybody's read an article or two, I've read some headlines, it's fine. But asking a question that isn't related to your job or related to your career,

I think is a great doorway to more than just like a standard conversation. And so trying to find those nuances. What's something that was a win this week? You know, what was a big hurdle that you overcame? Is there something you'd like to share about your family? Are you there's so many more things and more aspects to.

human beings than just our jobs. And so I think bringing that more into the conversation and more to light is something that we like in the 90s, we talked about like, okay, did you hear the new like grunge album that just dropped or you know, what's the latest boys to men song that you're listening to? We talked about so many more different things than just our work. And I think that that is a shift because our work became our lives.

Nichelle Lund (15:55.758)
because we're accessible all the time to our jobs.

Desiree (15:59.011)
Yeah, my two go to two go to questions that felt really weird to say are what are you? What series are you binging lately? Because people just get so excited to talk about the thing that's like taking up their evenings. And then what habits are you working on right now? Because you can tell a lot about a person by what it is that they're working on.

Nichelle Lund (16:18.927)
Okay, so now I'm going to ask you, what you binging and what habits are you working on?

Desiree (16:21.486)
Ha!

Desiree (16:25.211)
My go-to answer is I'm always re-binging Schitt's Creek friends and Full House because I don't actually need to be paying attention to them. I've got four and a six year old, I'm always multitasking. I can do other things. My habits are always steps, especially with it being nicer outside now. I'm like, gotta get out, get some vitamin D and figure it out.

Nichelle Lund (16:33.999)
Mm-hmm.

Nichelle Lund (16:46.839)
I love them. Yeah, that's amazing. So my word for this year, and I just finished up my water, is consistency. And so I am really working on connecting with people that I don't know well, trying to kind of get uncomfortable, or get comfortable being uncomfortable, and really...

Desiree (16:49.647)
What about you?

Nichelle Lund (17:13.923)
doing walking meetings with these people. It's so much easier to have a conversation, good, bad, or ugly, when you're both looking in the same direction. Sometimes then it is sitting down having coffee. So I've really enjoyed kind of walking meetings, especially as you said, since it's getting nicer outside. I just came from two different ones that really just kind of filled my cup.

Desiree (17:15.993)
Mmm, that's very good.

Nichelle Lund (17:40.065)
So habits are walking meetings so that gets steps and new connections in place. And then, binging love Schitt's Creek. is that one. and then it's not a show, but I am binging every time I'm in the car. turn on the house of Mar podcast with Alona Mar and her sisters. and it's, it's just so much fun. And I have so much to respond.

Desiree (18:01.315)
Yes, love them.

Nichelle Lund (18:06.882)
to say to them and they're not listening and I don't know why.

Desiree (18:11.195)
That's a really good point, too, for, you know, conversation because Project Hail Mary is one of the new movies in the theaters right now. And I'm like, I read that a million years ago. I should reread that so that I have something to talk about that's a little more current than other things. So it's like it doesn't have to be hard. I think that's the point we're trying to make is like it's just life. It's just meeting new people because it's hard to make friends these days. It's hard to make connections and to forge friendships. Yeah, 100 percent.

Nichelle Lund (18:19.118)
We know.

Nichelle Lund (18:29.762)
Yes. Yeah.

Nichelle Lund (18:35.918)
Especially as adults. Like, and I don't have children. And so there is almost a built-in community with parents too. One of my best friends, she has a mom group that she's constantly referencing and I love that for her. She needs to have that support team. And I'm like, I don't have that.

But I have a wonderful group of women around me at all different stages of life that have kind of been there to fill my cup and to be there for me when I need. And it took a long time. It probably took about five years to kind of curate that. And we're all really good friends. hang out all the time. But finding kind of your tribe, if you will, it is hard work. And so.

building relationships, building my connections, going out into the world and being open to chatting up a stranger in a grocery store. You never know where that's gonna lead.

Desiree (19:37.689)
Yeah, they're you know, they say that we are in the middle of a loneliness epidemic and it's because we're always looking down as opposed to up and around. So as we finish out this conversation, which I don't even know if we made our point other than to say like it's it's hard, but it's doable and you should try. And I hope that you know, if you're still listening to this, you felt inspired. And if you need ideas on where to go, where other people are also looking to forge friendships.

Nichelle Lund (19:45.549)
Yes.

Desiree (20:05.315)
Reach out to myself, Nichelle's LinkedIn will be in the show notes. There are so many amazing places that are curated for you, so you don't have to do the work of finding the people. They're there. You just have to show up. And we can, you as an individual can overcome the loneliness epidemic with a little bit of willingness to be uncomfortable.

Nichelle Lund (20:27.476)
and I forget her name off the top of my head, but she has the famous quote of, do it scared. You don't have to be a brave, courageous soul. It's okay to be scared going in. Just find one person to talk to.

Desiree (20:43.343)
Yeah, amazing. Well, thank you so much, Nichelle, for coming on. I am thankful for your friendship, even though it was forged out of something I'll probably never ever do again, ever.

Nichelle Lund (20:51.918)
Never say never, I've done it twice now.

Desiree (20:54.731)
no, probably never. But yes, thank you so much for coming on. And friends, just remember that leadership is a privilege, but it's also a really big responsibility. And you're the boss now. So what are you going to do with it?