How to Give Feedback Without Crushing Someone’s Confidence

Why does feedback feel so uncomfortable at work?

Why do annual reviews often feel unhelpful?
 Why do employees get defensive?
 And why do leaders wait so long to address issues that by the time they finally say something, it feels overwhelming?

In this episode, Desiree walks through real workplace scenarios involving feedback, accountability, leadership development, and communication in the workplace. From employees asking for growth feedback and receiving a giant list months later, to managers giving the same feedback year after year without follow-up, this conversation is all about creating a healthier feedback culture on your team.

This episode is especially helpful for:

•  new managers 
•  leaders trying to build trust 
•  high performers who want to grow 
•  anyone struggling with difficult conversations at work 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN:

•  Why feedback feels emotionally charged for both managers and employees 
•  How to give feedback without damaging trust or confidence 
•  Why soft skills and executive presence matter more than most leaders realize 

If this episode gave you a new perspective on leadership development, team management, or how to handle conflict at work, take a screenshot while listening and share it to your Instagram stories. Tag me @desireepetrich so I can hear your biggest takeaway.

And if you know a manager who struggles with feedback conversations, send this episode their way.

Apply for the next Intentional Leader Accelerator cohort 

IntentionalLeaderAccelerator.com

This podcast for managers is here to help you:

• Grow your leadership development
 • Navigate team management with confidence
 • Learn how to handle conflict at work
 • Apply real, practical leadership tips

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Transcript

Desiree (00:01.996)
Today we're gonna cover.

Desiree (00:08.408)
Today we're gonna cover a leadership stumbling block that I have been coming up on all too often with the different groups that I'm working with.

And I wanna talk about this because whether you are a leader who's been in leadership for a long time or an up and coming leader with a desire to do things right, right from the get go, this episode is gonna be for you. So welcome back to You're the Boss, Now What? I'm your host, Desiree Petriq, and our goal here is to help you lead yourself and your team with confidence. So lean in and let's get started.

Desiree (00:43.606)
I buried the lead in the intro on purpose because when I say the word feedback, you're either going to roll your eyes or turn off the podcast, but I'm telling you don't do that because I'm to give you a couple scenarios that I have seen lately that I know are going to look familiar from you, either as the receiver of feedback or the giver of feedback. And I'm going to help you to overcome this stumbling block so that going forward, you're able to do feedback and accountability better.

So one of the scenarios that I have seen lately is that an employee went and asked their boss, how am I doing? They just said, how am I doing? Is there anything I can do better? Do you have any feedback for me? And the boss said, no, you're doing great. You work hard, you show up on time. I appreciate you. You're good to go. And this employee walked away with their head held high and just thought, great, this is awesome.

Then they joined my intentional leader accelerator. This is a group where we get individuals from all walks of life, all levels of leadership, all different industries into a room for a mastermind if you will, a six week accelerator.

Desiree (01:56.363)
a six month accelerator where we cover all facets of leadership. And this last session, we were talking about feedback. I said, you either need to go and ask for feedback from someone you trust, or you need to go and give feedback to someone that you've been meaning to give feedback to. Well, this person said, I just asked for feedback and I got great feedback. They didn't say anything. And I kind of chuckled and I said, I want you to pose it differently to them. I want you to go back and I want you to say,

You have invested in me to join this accelerator. You clearly believe that I have room to grow and you believe in me that I can actually do it, which I appreciate. But in order to grow, in order to know what I have to work on, you have to tell me what I have to work on. So if you can please give me feedback written.

Desiree (02:49.774)
So if you can please give me some written feedback on what I can do to grow, I would really appreciate it. And this individual comes back with a long list of things that their boss told them they could work on. Now on the one hand, this is what we asked for. This is great, something to work on, fantastic. On the other hand, they said, I just had an annual review like a month ago.

And none of these things got brought up. Not a single one of them, not a single area of improvement got brought up. I got great reviews. They gave me a raise. There was no reason for me to believe that there would be any feedback, even though I asked for it in the way that I did. And so rightfully so, this individual, this employee was upset. And I just said, if we ask for feedback without any context,

It feels scary because feedback is usually something that we get when our boss says, hey, can you come in and talk to me for a minute? Or, hey, we had someone come with a complaint. Here's the feedback we got. Feedback is seen as a very negative thing, especially if we're only doing it during annual reviews and giving feedback in a list format like this individual got. Feedback feels scary. So now this person has a long list of feedback, a long list of things that could potentially be worked on.

there's some resentment there. It's like why didn't why haven't you been telling me these things? Why have you not given me any feedback up until this point?

So we were able to talk about the mental shift, the frustration that came with this. We're starting to work on some of these things. But what I want you to understand from both points of view is that one, as the employee, as the new leader who is looking to grow, you have to ask for feedback with context. Here's why I want it. I don't want you to sugarcoat it. When I would go and ask for feedback, I'd say, give me a good old fashioned kick in the butt. You don't have to do that. It doesn't have to be that aggressive. But you do have to give context as to what you're going to use the feedback for.

Desiree (04:50.356)
I would say.

something along the lines of, need this feedback from you because I have growth plans within this company. I have a desire to do more, be more, make more, lead better, et cetera. And I need to know what that looks like from you in order for me to get to those places. That's the only way we're going to be able to grow and to get into different levels of leadership within a company is if we know what it is they're looking for. So you can ask for it very specifically, ask for feedback with context and ask for it more often than once every three years.

Ask for it every month. Ask for a one-on-one meeting. It doesn't have to be formal. It doesn't even have to be scheduled. Pop into the office and say, do you have five minutes to chat? Here are the things I've been working on. I would love to know your perspective of...

Desiree (05:39.555)
how things have been going. Do you have any additional feedback for me?

If we can create a culture feedback, one where we're getting it in drips and drabs and not all at one time and not in a compliment sandwich where we're not, we don't know if we should be looking at the positives or if we should specifically be looking at the negatives. If we can make it something that's happening on a weekly, monthly basis and it's done with trust and respect and kindness and clarity, it's going to be very different. It's no longer going to be taboo. It's no longer going to be a scary thing

to ask for. That's what it looks like as an employee if we want to ask for feedback. Now I want to give you the perspective from that boss's standpoint because from the boss's standpoint when they got

Desiree (06:31.214)
When they are put in charge of an annual review, they fill out all the paperwork, they've been already given the 3 % raise that they're allowed to give. It's not really based on performance as much as we tell people that it is. They are probably having to do 10 to 15 to 20, I don't know how many in your reviews, especially if it's put on HR. That's a whole nother topic that we can talk about at a different time.

But those annual reviews are not a place where that feedback should necessarily be given. From the boss's perspective of wanting your employees to grow, wanting to give them opportunities for advancement, wanting them to be better people and be given opportunities to do things differently, we need to start building trust and respect within that culture so that when we do give feedback, and it does have the potential to come off as negative, it's not something that they are going to cringe over. It's not something that they're going to resent

over. We can come at it and it might sound like, I believe in you. I know that you have a great growth trajectory. No one talks like that, but we could say it. You have a great growth trajectory in this company, but in order to get to the next level, here are the things that I'm seeing that could potentially be improved.

List maybe two things, maybe three things. Don't give an entire list that's way too overwhelming. Give a couple of things that within a week or two weeks you can give accountability on. Hey, do you remember how I told you that cursing is something that is not going to get you to that next level of leadership? Well, that meeting we just had, I noticed it come out of your mouth a couple of times and I just wanted to make sure that you are aware of it. Make sure you knew that it happened. Maybe we can come up with some sort of signal that when it happens again, we can work on it more.

that immediate response, the immediate accountability doesn't feel scary and it doesn't feel like you're picking on them. It's not aggressive because you guys have talked about it. You have come to a mutual understanding that that is something they want to work on because they have the goal to grow.

Desiree (08:30.538)
If you give feedback to someone and they say, I don't care, I'm just here to make a paycheck, I don't really care if I grow, again, whole another conversation, whole another issue, but it's gonna be a lot harder to hold that person accountable because they don't care to be held accountable to anything. I'm guessing if someone is in leadership, that's not them. They are high performing, they're highly motivated, they want to grow. Giving them that feedback is something they're going to want to be held accountable to. It's gonna make it a whole lot easier.

but also as the person in leadership, the person as a mentor, the person giving this feedback.

you have an opportunity to practice making conflict a positive thing. Giving feedback is a form of conflict. is a form of uncomfortableness that we have to do in order for our teams to continue to grow, in order for individuals to actually make some progress on things. And giving that feedback gets to be a positive form of conflict if we are doing it in a way, again, where we can build trust and respect and have kindness and clarity around it. It doesn't have to be something that our

Desiree (09:40.399)
Another scenario that I want to give to you is an individual who took this prompt, they went to their boss, they said, I'm in this accelerator, here's the goal, I need to know what you want me to work on so that I can work on these things, prove to you the investment, prove is a weird word. I want to show you that the investment in me was worth it because I'm taking it seriously and I do genuinely want to grow. Please give me feedback.

And this boss sent feedback that was identical to feedback he had given a year ago. Same feedback. And when I asked the individual, I said, have you guys talked about this since a year ago when he gave you this same feedback? He said, no, it's never been brought up again. I said, well, have you worked on it since then? And he's like, no, it just it kind of never really got brought up. I've been stuck in putting out fires day to day. And so it just hasn't really been at the top of my mind.

This is the other stumbling block we get into when we give feedback. We maybe get up the courage, we get up the willingness to engage in this conflict, we give the feedback in a productive way, in a way that it's received well, it's accepted, but then we don't talk about it again.

then we don't give any sort of form of accountability around it. We don't tell them whether they're doing better or whether they had a setback. We don't tell them if it's getting them closer to the goals and we just forget about it. And then a year later, nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. And we passive aggressively send them the same list of feedback that we did a year ago because they've asked for feedback again, but they haven't fixed anything. Is that the individual's fault or the leader's fault?

Some people are going to argue with me and I think the responsibility is shared here. It's 100 % responsibility for the individual to focus on working on some of these things, but it's also the leader's responsibility that if these are things they want worked on, that they follow up and that they ask how things are going and that they offer help and encouragement and maybe some resources if there are opportunities for growth for these individuals.

Desiree (11:47.029)
It is the leader's responsibility to not only ask for feedback and to do something with the feedback to actually show that it mattered that they took the time to write it out for us that they cared enough to say, if you want to grow, here's what you need to do. But it's also the leader's responsibility that when you give feedback, you follow up and you hold accountable and you say the hard things sometimes and you get a little bit uncomfortable. Don't wait until it becomes.

Desiree (12:57.74)
The funny thing is when it comes to feedback, I've been called into companies and they say, I need you to work one-on-one with this leader. Great, absolutely, I can do that. What do you want them to work on? And they'll say things like, they don't make enough eye contact. They swear too much. They don't speak up in meetings or they talk too much in meetings or they're not delegating in the way that they should or they're not taking responsibility. They're not showing any confidence.

These are all skills. These are all leadership skills that we are not talking about as skills because they're soft skills. They're things that aren't going to move the needle forward or move it backward. They are just...

Desiree (13:45.081)
They are not obvious things that are going to move a revenue report forward or backwards. They're not obvious things that are going to lead to a more effective meeting. They're not obvious things that are going to help us to reach our revenue numbers.

They are soft skills that show up in our meetings. They show up in the relationships that we have with people. Being able to make eye contact is a form of confidence. It's an executive presence things. Being able to sit up straight in posture, lean in over a conference table to show that you are engaged. If you have a team who does not enjoy swearing, being able to hold back on those swear words. If you have a team who doesn't enjoy sarcasm,

try to be less sarcastic. That one's really hard for me. But what about companies who do swear, like sailors?

Part of the understanding of conflict is recognizing what is allowed in the workplace. What is encouraged? What is tolerated? What is being asked of me at this point as far as culture goes, but also making sure that we are not exploiting something just because someone hasn't told it to us. So even if you're not getting direct feedback from your coworkers, from your boss, even if you aren't at the point yet where you can ask for it, these executive presence things, I'm gonna list a couple of them again, eye contact.

cleaning up your language a little bit. And that could look like decreasing filler words like so and like and I still say them, but it's way less than I used to because it's consciously getting work done. It is leaning in with energy and having something to say, but not so much that you're talking over other people. They're all ambiguous things that you really couldn't measure even if you wanted to, but they make a big impact. So even if no one is giving you a list of things that you need to work on.

Desiree (15:35.69)
Look at your day. Look at how you show up. Look at the soft skills because every single time a manager has given feedback and that feedback has been shown to me by one of my clients, it's things like you're not very friendly or again, you're swearing too much or you don't make enough eye contact or you don't talk enough in meetings. I know I'm repeating myself here, but every single time I have seen feedback, it has been soft skills. It has been relational focused. It's not tactical.

They're not worried about spreadsheets not being right. That's talent and skill. Those are things that we pride ourselves on, but we forget about the relational piece of things. Being able to connect with our coworkers, not gossiping in the hallways. These are all things that we get to work on with or without that feedback. They are things that we get to hold ourselves accountable to. And next week, we're gonna talk about imposter syndrome because that's another huge theme.

Desiree (16:34.786)
that has been coming up with the next generation leaders that I've been working with, the high potential employees. Imposter syndrome is something that I don't think we typically put a name to, but we often recognize it for how it's showing up for us in the workplace. So make sure you hit follow, make sure you hit subscribe so that you don't miss that episode next week. And if you have any interest in checking out what the Accelerator is, the Intentional Leader Accelerator, it's a six month course specifically designed to be paid for by your company.

because it is something that is going to directly benefit them, but it is all about the self-awareness, the soft skills, the relational focused way that we can show up at work to not only better ourselves and the people around us, but also the end result for the team. Go into the show notes or go to IntentionalLeaderAccelerator.com to check things out. You can fill out an application. I would love to chat with you about what that looks like for joining us in the fall. And just remember that leadership is a privilege.

but it's also a really big responsibility. And you're the boss now. So what are you gonna do with it?