46: Solo: The Loneliness Epidemic: Why Connection Matters More Than Ever

In this heartfelt solo episode, I dive deep into the heart of a silent crisis impacting teens, tweens, adults, and entire communities - loneliness. It's not just about being alone; it's about feeling unseen, unheard, and disconnected even amidst a sea of people. The invisibility. 

You will hear about practical insights will move you to re-evaluate how we connect and care for one another.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Unmasking Social, where we talk about building real friendships and meaningful connections without masking who we truly are. I'm your host, Sharon Bowen, a speech and language pathologist with an expertise in social thinking and how it relates to autism and ADHD. Specifically with our team and quick. Let's dive in. In 2023, Vivek Murthy, our U.S. Surgeon General, declared a public health crisis. I actually met Vivek Murthy a few years back. I have a picture with him, and he was just a pleasure to speak to because I feel like he really honed in on so many things that are going on in our world, in our society from a health standpoint. He was articulate, he was grounded, and there was no politics that was involved. But this national public crisis, health crisis is the epidemic of loneliness. And he stated at the time that this is so bad that apparently 79 of individuals who are young adults ages 18 to 25 felt lonely. This was in 2021, which is the middle to the end of COVID-19 pandemic. So our teens and tweens and young adults are really struggling with this. Vivak Murthy found ways in which we could combat this. And I will share some of those ways, including ways that I have found through my own life experiences as well as professional experiences with individuals who are dealing with this. And the key here is supporting one another. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Unmasking Social. I'm your host, Sharon Baum, and today I am going to have a solo episode, which I haven't had in a while. And I wanted to address a topic that has been impacting so many of our teens and tweens, as well as our adults, as well as just each of us in different ways. The loneliness epidemic. I want you all to think about what comes to mind when you think of loneliness and why loneliness has become such an epidemic. Many people view loneliness as just the process of being alone and not really having anybody around to support you, to guide you, not really having any connections with family or friends, kind of going into a solitude. But loneliness goes deeper than just being alone without a partner, for example, or being alone and going through a transition period where maybe you don't have many friends or you don't really have such a family presence anymore. Loneliness at its core is the feeling of being alone. And that can manifest because of many different things and has only grown, according to the research, since 2021, which coincides with the middle and end of the COVID-19 pandemic. Now, an individual can be in a loving relationship, uh, can have a big community, and can have a lot of friends and still feel alone. And the reason for that, as the research points out and all the articles I've been reading, is that at the core, if a person isn't really feeling connected or isn't feeling valued, those types of relationships aren't really serving them, there will be a sense of loneliness, which is why they there's a song, just because I'm lonely doesn't mean I'm alone. There is truth in that. Someone could be alone and not have the family that they always dreamed of, but also not feel alone. Whereas somebody who has that family that they've dreamt of, just as an example, may feel deeply alone because perhaps their partner or their kids or whoever it may be in their orbit isn't giving them what they need, or maybe just not values aligned. So this loneliness epidemic is something that we have to take really seriously because in an era where we're pathologizing a lot of things, it is important to think about well, what is the root of this quote unquote pathology? So much anxiety, so much depression. Some is labeled as clinical, some is labeled as situational. And at the root of all of it, you see that individuals do so much better when they are connected, when they feel like people are there to support them, where they feel like they can support because there is meaning in supporting others, which is something that as an SLP for nearly 15 years, I have seen. I've set up so many peer mentorships because I've seen how one peer trying to teach another peer gives them the satisfaction and gives them the meaning to keep going and working, even if it's something that they don't want to do. So that is something that is super important during these challenging times. And this loneliness epidemic is impacting the entire society. It's gotten worse and worse, even though, as many people say, we are more connected than ever. I mean, on this phone that I have right here, I could quickly text anybody and I can get an immediate response. I could go on social media and network with a whole bunch of people simultaneously. I can invite people to a party, right? And have it just done so quickly, just with the click of a couple of fingers, and that's it. Make a list of people and then just name a place. So we can connect with people literally all around planet Earth, and yet we feel alone. It's almost like people say, Well, you live in the big city, right? There are so many people around. Well, sometimes bigger isn't always better. Sometimes less is more. Sometimes you can get caught up in such a large space, such a large network that you almost forget to hone in on the people that truly matter, which just exacerbates the loneliness epidemic. So, a couple of things that I've observed just as a speech and language pathologist, from that perspective, but also from the perspective of just being human and facing different situations in my life, is that a lot of times people are asking for help. They don't want to be lonely. Loneliness is a terrible feeling. And after a while of dropping hints, because not everybody's forthcoming and not everyone wants to share that they're feeling down in the dumps. Uh, people don't want people pitying them. People don't want to feel like, well, now I'm gonna need help. I don't want to ask anybody for help. But if someone are dropping clues that they're in and out of social interaction and that they're isolating themselves. And there can be hints of that, of them not showing up to things so much, that are family-oriented, or them not really hanging out with their friends as much as they used to. And you see it, you see a pattern happening where you ask them, what are you doing for the weekend? What are you doing, you know, in your free time after work, and you know that they don't have much going on, and you know that's really hurting them. Well, then a suggestion for you to help solve the problem is check in with them. This is a good friend, if this is a family member, check in. I see people doing something interesting, and with my teens and tweens, I see this as well. Where a family member said, you know what, this weekend I'm gonna carve out half an hour, maybe an hour of time. And uh, you know, I will definitely interact one-on-one, because then my child will feel more connected and we can both feel really present beyond video games and all these other obligations. And while I think that's great, I think that consistency is really key. So if you have that idea of that our time, which is just one-to-one based on somebody's interest, or just they just want some attention and they want to call, do that weekly. Have that weekly check-in at the same time in the morning or in the afternoon and check in. When someone is going through this loneliness, it's not enough to just say, you know what? Check, hung out with them for an hour, not lonely anymore. Check, brought them in with the family a little bit, so they're not gonna feel as lonely anymore. Check. And there's such a disconnection because I don't even think people realize that you need someone checking in with you in order to feel less lonely. It could be a five-minute check-in, it could be a 20-minute check-in, but the consistency of it is much more important than one moment in time or two moments in time where you've checked off a box that you engage with the person that's feeling lonely. Now we come full circle to how we have the ability to connect at our fingertips, but yet still feel alone or still feel lonely. Well, yes, there's social media that's accountable for that. Is and so we can connect in easier ways. However, is that human connection? Are we connecting human to human by sending a text to one another? Are we connecting human to human and having an authentic connection by sending an email to one another at work? Human connection is so key and important to everyone's success, to everyone's emotional well-being, to everyone's mental health, that if you're not having this in-person check-in, this in-person communication, you're gonna be missing out on a lot of what it means to be socially connected. And as humans on planet Earth, we need social connection. Our teens and tweens need social connection, our neurodivergent teens and tweens need social connection, and our neurotypical teens and tweens need social connection. And one thing about this podcast that I also want to share with everybody is that this podcast is evolving. So as it evolves, it is taking more of a meaningful, purposeful, centered approach that is applicable to all. And I had an epiphany the other day because I remember when I worked in a specialized program for individuals with autism with the social communication challenges, we were equipped with many, many tools to support these individuals. And what I learned, and what we all learned collaboratively together, and the research ends up showing, is that all these tools can equip anyone who is dealing with any social, emotional, or social communication or regulation challenge. So why not share the secrets with everybody so we could all live a more meaningful and purposeful life? This is a very authentic conversation. So a lot of it is just coming to me as it goes. It's not scripted, it's not chat GBT'd, this is just me. But I had a thought while I was speaking, actually, because I seem to multitask with speaking and thinking. So, what if you had two weeks left on this earth? The aliens were planning on coming and they were gonna take over planet Earth, and that's it, all of us were gone. How would you want to spend those last two weeks? Would you want to spend it maybe running around from one activity to another that gives you joy and really helps you with your mental health and stability? Would you want it to be with connecting with other people and supporting others in need? Would you want it to be buying as many clothes as you can from designer places? Would you want it to be going and traveling the world? I mean, many things can exist at the same time, but the promotion won't last beyond those two weeks. The experience can last beyond those two weeks just sitting in your soul, but the meaning will never, ever go. Viktor Frankel was a Holocaust survivor who was a psychiatrist and therefore was able to observe human behavior in the concentration camps. And Hirsch Goldberg-Polin was someone who was held hostage, an American citizen in Israel, held hostage after October 7th. And even though he was executed in captivity, he gave people a lot of strength by using Viktor Frankel's words, which is he who has a why can bear anyhow. He who has a why can bear anyhow. And he supported others who really felt like, oh no, their life is over. How are they gonna get through this, these barbaric conditions, hell on earth if you really wanna go there? And he would remind them that they all have a why, and it's identifying the why, it's identifying the purpose that can allow you to carry anything heavy. And I read Mansurch for meaning many, many, many years ago, and it uplifted me, it grounded me because it showed me that even in the most horrific human conditions and suffering, there is a way to attach yourself to something meaningful, as small as it may be, and hold on to that meaning for dear life, literally, and not let that meaning and purpose go so that you can survive and endure the most painful of things. And so I circle back to those two weeks left on Earth. What will you do with that time? And I think just based on things I've read and just based on my experiences, and based on all the interviews that are done with people when they know that they have limited time left on this earth, is that in general, when those people are asked what is it that they would want to do more of, or what is it that they regret that they didn't do enough of? And so many of them answer I wish I could have made more of an impact. I wish I could have done something more meaningful. They don't mention the job so much, or at all, actually. They don't necessarily even mention specific people. They just mention that they wanted to do something more impactful and they wish they had more time to do something impactful. And when you listen to that, you see that at the center of all of us is a desire to change the world. Because if you actually impact one person, as it says in uh Sanhedrin, which is in Latamach in the Jewish scripture, you saves one life as if it's as if they saved the entire world. If you made an impact on one person, if you checked in with that person weekly, and it meant, and it does mean in many cases, the difference from them succeeding at rehab versus not, versus caving into their addictions, or the difference between them taking their lives or not, or the difference between somebody quitting a job or not, the difference between someone staying in a toxic job or not, the difference between someone just going deeper and deeper into isolation or not. The difference between someone really getting sick because of the lack of connection or not. You really are changing someone's course of their life by showing them that you care, by showing them that you can show up, by showing them that they have value, that they matter. Because unfortunately, in our society today, many people are struggling with their identity. They're not sure what their identity really is. And I'm not going to espouse whether or not you should go to church or you should go to a mosque or you should go to a shoulder or synagogue to find community. But I do see that there is a breakdown in this in terms of people not really having that community. And this is all about neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals. And in an effort to stay the course, I will say that neurotypical to me, it goes beyond just not having autism or not having ADHD, dyslexia, OCD, and all of that. Neurotypical to me also means being able to fit into society and what those expectations and standards are so that you can go into this box. And if you're in that box, it's comforting because then you have that community. You have those people surrounding you, you have the connections, you have the things that everybody is doing together at every stage of life. But what happens when you go off the script and now you're neurodivergent? Because you're not like your family. You're not like your siblings, you're not like the community that you grew up in that said that X, Y, and Z needs to be done by this state. And if not, then you will be forgotten or you may feel invisible, right? And so many people are struggling with this, with trying to not be neurodivergent and trying to be neurotypical by conforming to what society, what their community had taught them, even though their community doesn't even exist anymore. And they're struggling to find this identity. And it's not necessarily going to be in the religious places because sometimes there's no community for certain people in those places and the houses of worship. And sometimes it's it won't even be in a place of interest because some people may not connect with the people that they are doing something they love with. For example, cycling or running or kickboxing. If you're sharing an experience with people who you don't really connect with, and the only thing you connect with is on the activity that you're doing, well, that's a start, but it doesn't necessarily help you in finding the identity or helping your loved ones find their identity, especially our teeth. Because those are the pivotal years where they are really seeking out that identity, where they're really figuring out who they are, what they love, what they don't like, what kind of people they really want to be, what kind of people they don't want to be, who they may not want to be around, formative years in terms of forming all the aspects of what makes people who they are. And so it's a difficult time. And I feel like we're always reinventing ourselves as humans. We're always evolving. Different stages of a life help pivot our identity because our identity may look similar throughout our life, but there are going to be changes made to it. There are going to be different ways that we start looking at things, depending on how life goes, because again, life is not scripted. Life is a very curvy, windy path. Nothing is linear. It's like this ups and downs, peaks and valleys. And so knowing that identity, knowing what really matters to us is key. But even more importantly, is making sure that you let other people know that they matter. The person that's sitting alone, that doesn't have anyone to talk to at a large event. Go over to them, say, hey, how are you doing? Right. The person who is at a family gathering and is sitting at a table alone for whatever reason. Go over to them, say hello, how's it going? Very simple, right? Just hey, how's it going? Nothing more, nothing less. The person who is in the cafeteria sitting alone, a fellow teen and tween, maybe, a peer, who just sits there with their book and seems like they don't want to have connection, but maybe they do. Go over to them. Hey, how are you? When you see someone in a sort of place of isolation, why not go over? Instead of going on the phone and then texting and then doing all these other things on Instagram, and then before you know it, you're just kind of enthralled in that, but you're not even paying attention to the people right in front of you. And yes, this happens all the time, and yes, we can't fix what's happening in society. But what we could do, we could always do is make it density. So, how do we address the loneliness epidemic? By trying to make people less lonely. On that note, I just want to let everybody know that more podcasts are coming your way that are going to be very meaningful, very purposeful, and that will inspire you. There will be some episodes that are going to be a little bit more sad than others in terms of what people have been through. However, the goal is that we all can learn about how we can face our fears, be resilient, and how neurodivergent individuals can find a way to feel like they belong. On that note, thank you so much for listening to my solo episode. I hope I didn't ramble too much. Thanks for joining us on Unmasking Social, where we neurodiverse advocates and those who support them, explore how real friendship begins when we start showing up as opposed. If today's episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, or follow me for more conversations that provide information on neurodivergent ways of thinking and communicating. Until next time, think so show.