My Story- From Burnout to Starting Over

I’m a mom of three, I’ve been with my husband for 19 years, and for a long time I felt like I was doing everything “right”…

Homeschooling my kids, building a life around family, trying to hold it all together.

But behind the scenes, something wasn’t working.

I hit a point where I couldn’t keep doing everything — I was overwhelmed, unhappy, and not taking care of myself. Making the decision to put my girls in school was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Then everything came to a head.

My health started declining. My daughter got really sick. And we discovered mold in our home that was affecting all of us.

In the middle of winter, the week of Christmas, we made the decision to leave our home, let go of almost everything we owned, and start over.

This episode is about that breaking point… and what it woke up in me.

Because on the other side of all of this, I realized something:

I don’t want to keep living a life that doesn’t fully feel like mine.

This podcast is me figuring it out in real time — exploring freedom, family, lifestyle, and what it actually looks like to design a life differently.

If you’re in a season where something feels off… this is for you.

Topics: motherhood, starting over, life transitions, burnout, mold exposure, healing, holistic living, lifestyle design, freedom, family life

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back. Welcome to Outside the Script. This is a podcast where we question the default life and explore what it means to design a life differently. I'm your host, Amanda Kukrew, and this is where I'm sharing what I'm learning, building, and figuring out in real time. I can't believe that I'm finally here and the podcast has been launched, and I'm not sure what held me back and why I made all those excuses for so long. The mind is such a silly thing. I encourage you to go out and do something today that is not within your comfort zone. You can do it. Just do it, just do it. I'm telling you, it's so worth it. I know, I see you, I get it. It's it's scary, you make up the reasons, but it's just once you get to the other side, you're like, oh, what? So I just want to say that. So I figured in this episode, I would tell you a little bit about myself so you can get to know me a little bit more. All right, so I am a mom of three. I have a 22-year-old, a seven-year-old, and a four-year-old. I had my first when I was 19. I've been with my husband for about 19 years. And for so long, I didn't really know if I wanted to have more kids. I was happy with my one, and it was a lot of work. And I had my first so young that I've in a sense like lost those younger years. It was the biggest blessing. I loved being a mom. It was the best thing that could ever happen to me. But you get what I'm saying, I'm sure. And so my husband always wanted kids, but he never really pressured me or said anything. And I just remember one day being like, I know that you really want kids. And if you don't have that opportunity, like, how would you feel? And he said, Amanda, it would be like a hole in my heart. And that hit me like a ton of bricks. Because imagine if the tables were turned. So I for two years embarked on like this conscious conception journey. And so for me, it just I started taking complete inventory of my life in all areas, and just to explore and see if I really didn't want to have kids, or it was something much deeper than that. And so what I realized in that time frame and on my journey is that I, of course, I wanted more kids. I loved being a mom, but I was jaded. My past pains and hurts needed to be faced. I needed to heal. There were things that needed to be addressed. And I'll share more about that in like other episodes, but I just wanted to give you like that context. And I would love to share more about like conscious conception and what that means to me because in my journey of consciously conceiving my two daughters, it became a deep passion of mine. So if there's any interest in that, please do let me know, leave a comment or anything. Yeah, and I would love to share more about that. So we decided to have more children. So when I got pregnant with my seven-year-old Ariella, I started living life differently. I've always leaned towards a holistic lifestyle. It's always been my foundation and my root since I was about 19. But of course, it has evolved and looks different as you get older. Naturally. And I discovered this term called world schooling. It lit me up like a Christmas tree. I was like, what? Say what? You travel around the world with your children, and that is their education. I was like, wow. I was like, I want to do that one day, and I'm going to. Of course, I couldn't do it then and still don't have the means at this moment either. But we just we chose to like homeschool and live life side by side. That felt like the next best fit. But of course, it comes at a cost and a sacrifice. My husband did have to work seven days a week, and he had to work two jobs so I could be home with the girls. And we did that for about five years. But after five years, he started getting tired, and I did too. I wanted some change. I wanted to start getting back out into the world and excuse me. And for five years, five years of breastfeeding straight, of being pregnant, of being the taxicab driver, the accountant, the chef, the maid, you name it. If you're a mother, you get it. Like we don't, I don't need to ramble about all the titles that we possess. Because it's so much, and we just do so much in a day. And just being a mom is so much of that invisible work. Yeah, that I was tired. I was like, we need a change. So at that time, my friend opened up a restaurant in town. So I started working there one day a week, and that was really great. It got me out of the house. I was working again. I was making some extra money and it felt really good. And then we had another restaurant open up in town. It was like a restaurant concert venue. So I decided to work there. And I just I felt really good to be back at work and to have space for my children. And then as I started working, and Jim was my husband, that's his name, Jim, he was able to, and stuff. I realized too, because I couldn't work and be the best mom and go to all the homeschools and be the chef and all the things. Like nobody can do it all. And if they say they are, they're lying, something they're struggling, or something has fallen to the wayside. It's an illusion, or or they have help, X, Y, Z, whatever it is. Yeah, and I was just becoming really like unhappy and overwhelmed. And I had to make a really hard decision and a painful decision decision. Oh my gosh, I cried and I felt like a failure. And I was so sad, but I knew for this moment I couldn't homeschool my girls and I couldn't be with them 24-7. And I had to put them in school. Gosh, it was so hard. But you know what? I think that we know best for our children, and of course, in many ways, we absolutely do. We are their mother. But it has completely, it's been okay. It's really been okay. And they are both thriving and really, really happy, and they're doing so well. But with this step in my head, I was like, this needs to be for right now. I don't want this for my kids forever. But it's okay for now. So I can get things figured out, I can get myself back, and my husband is like working less. So yeah, it was just for the moment. It's more than a moment. It's gonna be probably for a few years. And it's been like, I think we're going into like year two. So yeah, I just kept that in my like back of my head. I'm like, this is not forever, it's right now, and it's gonna be okay. And it really has. So if there's any moms out there, just overwhelmed with homeschooling and all the things. Just know I see you. I so see you. You're not a bad mom. Okay. I love you. You're doing great. So, anyway, so last year they went back to school. That was their first year, like full-time. And then I decided to go back to college and I went for graphic design. I'm not necessarily I'm good at it or anything, but I wanted that skill. I wanted like a tangible skill. And then, like, I in my mind, I was like, okay, I'll gather these skills. And these will be great skills to possess because then I can bring them like on the road, and it fed into my larger vision for my family. Yeah, and I wasn't necessarily passionate about it, it was the it was a skill. I think skills are good to have. And then, yeah, I went for a full year, and then I just had a really tough time with one of the teachers, the professors. And no, it was really toxic. And I ended reporting her to the dean of the school. And for me, like, I wasn't gonna go back because I wasn't going to subject myself to that type of energy. I'm like, nope, it's hard now, not doing it. I'm not passionate about it enough. And then in that time, I started learning more about AI and the opportunities around AI and how really graphic design in a lot of ways is going to become obsolete, especially just more so like the way they're teaching it as as well. So, like in this day and age, I think it's more or less about what degree you possess, it's more about skills, and I think more and more companies are looking for people who are knowledgeable about AI and know how to use the tools. So there's that. So that was like two reasons I was like, I'm not gonna go back. And yeah, and it really was really hard and stressful to be in college full time, to be working, to be a mom. What am I doing to my this is just crazy, and for something that I'm not passionate about either. So there's that. So there were many layers to that. And then summer came and I started feeling really off. I was like so depressed. I'm like, this is so unlike me. I am very sunny by nature. Like, I'm a very sunny, optimistic, see the glass half full. So it was a very foreign feeling for me. I'm like, what is this? And yeah, and then my cycle was off, and like the second half of my cycle, I was not feeling well. And I'm like, okay, I feel like a hot mess. What's going on? So I thought maybe I was going into like perimetopause or something, and yeah, I just I didn't know what was wrong. Then my four-year-old Layla started getting sick, like in September, towards the end of August, and she was like throwing up a lot of her food, but she was like, Okay, weird, okay. And then like I knew that she would have a lot of breathe, breathing issues, and like her digestive was off, and something was just off. For her, I got her tested first. We did three different tests. It's called organic acids, GI maps, and vibrant wellness. You do have to pay for these out of pocket, and and then I did some of my own testing because I'm like, I am I going into what's going on with my hormones? And so I did the Dutch test, and then my hormones were like tanked, and then I did some blood work, and then like my ferritin was really low. Like I had like next to nothing, vitamin D where I live, that's typical. So yeah, and there was just like some other things. I was like, okay, that's odd, because I really have always had pretty much vibrant health, and I've always been healthy and have taken care of myself. So I got Layla's test results back, and I found out that she had high levels of mold in her body. And prior to that, I suspected that we had mold in our. I did know there was like a little patch in our bedroom growing mold. I told the landlord right away, this was like two years prior to all this happening, like the health issues coming up. And he would keep checking it and checking it, and he was like, Yeah, okay, like I'm gonna take care of it and we're gonna fix the roof. Okay. And in my head, I'm like, all right, every house has mold. I live on the east coast where I live by the ocean. And I think, I don't think actually, I was in denial. I was in denial. Yeah, my house isn't poisoning me. We're fine. Yeah, and then again, like the patches like started growing and expanding. And then I would tell him, he's okay, I'm gonna fix the roof, I'm gonna fix the roof. Yeah, you know how that went. Of course, I'm gonna fix it, I'm gonna fix it, I'm gonna fix it. Yeah, and he never did. And when I found out that she had all these different high levels of mold tracing back to indoor water damage, my heart sank. I was like, oh my gosh. And I didn't get my I didn't get tested because I'm like, if she has high levels of mold, I have I had definitely had mold. And so does my family. And like for me, it affected my hormones. I don't know. I think maybe indirectly, it affected like my blood levels and all that. So yeah, I was just like a hot mess. I did not feel well. Layla was not feeling well, and then I like circled and circled for a while. Mind you, this was in the dead of winter, a week before Christmas. I get these results, and I was just like, oh my gosh. And we loved, we were renting a house. We loved our house. We lived next door to where my husband's parents. We had it was like a unicorn. The rent was insanely cheap. Like he gave us a deal. It was a unicorn, but it turned out to be a multi unicorn. So that was really hard too. Like, rent is insane where I live, like crazy. But I knew that I couldn't live there, and I knew that he wasn't gonna take this seriously or do it professionally. Yeah, I was just like, all right, we have to move and I'm gonna get rid of everything. I'm gonna get rid of all of our stuff because I was so worried about mold spores. I didn't have to get rid of everything, probably. But for me, it was like the symbology as well of okay, this is a fresh start. Like, we're starting new, clean slate. We're just gonna get rid of everything. Let me tell you, that was the most, it was crazy. It was such a crazy and liberating experience to literally get rid of your whole freaking life. Like, we had nothing by the end of it, like absolutely nothing. So I I was I felt like bipolar. One minute I was crying, and the next minute I'm like, I'm so liberated. This is a clean slate. This is putting us closer to our dream. Like, we're gonna do this. And the next minute I'm like, oh my god, like we're getting rid of all of our stuff. Like we have nothing. Where are we gonna go? What are we gonna do? So we got rid of everything, and then we just decided to move into a winter rental that's fully furnished, so I didn't have to think about paying first, last security and fully furnishing a full apartment in the dead of winter, like in a couple weeks after Christmas at this point. So that's what we did, and like I just had to sit in complete trust. And so we're still on our winter rental. We're here till I want to say May 31st. I have no idea what we're gonna do next. That's still up in the air, but I know that I don't want to pay first last security and furnish a new apartment that's gonna cost at least $15,000. And there's just so much better things I could do with $15,000, right? So that's a big question mark. And then the beautiful thing about my job is that it's seasonal. So I did have the winter off, and that has been a huge blessing. So I've had this space to like heal, reflect, get clear, focus on my health, my family's health, and just like focus on family. And I'll tell you, for the first time in so long, I feel so clear. The mold was really clogging up my mind. And who knows how long that mold is there, was there until I could see the patch in the bedroom. And it was always like damp land and in the basement, sometimes like you would see like little water patches and stuff. So there were signs, but I think I was just in denial, and I loved my home. I loved this home. I manifested this home, and I've always wanted to live in this house and rent this house, and it was just there were so many beautiful perks to it. But in the end, yeah, it turned out not to be the best thing. There's lessons in gold and everything. I truly believe that. Yeah, so over this winter, yeah, like I said, I was able to get really clear, and now here we are. Like outside the script was born. I'm here and I just want to I realize I just have so much to share, and I just want to inspire and be of service. And yeah, I just needed to start. Like, I needed to start without it being perfect, and I have got caught up in thinking I need everything to be perfect. And I think so much, so many of us get caught up in that and get caught up in this circle of I need to have this and I need to have that, and I need to look like this, and then I gotta lose 10 pounds before I go, like all the things. You name it, we have made all the excuses. I've made all the excuses, not everybody, but I have. And so I just decided like this winter, as I started feeling better, I'm just gonna stop with the excuses and just start doing it. Just start living, start sharing, just put yourself out there like you don't know, you know, where that can take you and who you can inspire, who you can connect with. So I've birthed this and I feel really good to be sharing this. And like so many of us, we want a life of freedom. We want to live with our family side by side, we want to explore, we want a life of adventure, we want our kids to give them the best. And I've always wanted this, but I've got boggled down by all the different things. And I bet you want something different too, and I want that for you. So I'll be sharing what I'm learning, what I'm working on, what I'm exploring, and I definitely will be including AI because I am learning about that and I have been learning about it slowly over like probably the last year and a half when I was in graphic design school. It really came through, and that was like one of the reasons, like I said, that I left just because of the AI take up life, it's gonna be very different. But I don't think that we need to revolt against it or oh no, I think that we need to incorporate it and learn those skills and learn different things. We used to incorporate it our in our life, but still be very human. And that's gonna be my angle. Yeah, let's use it, let's buy time back, let's maximize the opportunities that we have at hand and use it to create more freedom and create more time. And yeah, I think in this podcast, though, like it will be organic and what comes up and what flows. And my my intention is down the road to start bringing on guest speakers and different people, and even in the holistic field, because I am so passionate about holistic health and healing and motherhood and conscious parenting. So we'll see how it evolves. So let's start dreaming, let's start living our lives. Life is really short. So I think what do they say? The average life expectancy. I don't even know what it is, but say if it's 75, if I'm 41, what is that? Like I have 25 years or something left, maybe. No, 35 years, 35, something like that. Clearly masked up my thing. But you know what I'm saying? So say if I only have 35 years left here on the planet, like that's really not a lot of time. Like, time is limited here. Life is short. Let's start finding a way to live. Let's figure this out together. Yeah, and I will never ever claim to have it all figured out. And this is more of a podcast that, like, let's figure this out together, let's do this together. Yeah. And if you're in a Season like this, too. Just know that you're not alone and I see you. And I look forward to connecting with you. And I just want to say thank you so much for being here and listening. And yeah, I'm just really excited for the journey ahead. And if this resonates with you, I would love for you just to follow along and subscribe to the show. And yeah, we'll connect so soon. Thank you. Love you.