I Don’t Have a Plan Right Now (And That’s Okay).

I almost didn’t record this episode.

Not because I don’t have something to say—but because I feel like my thoughts are everywhere. 

In this episode, I’m sharing what it actually feels like to be in the messy middle of life...the in-between phase where everything feels uncertain, plans fall through, and you’re trying to move forward without a clear direction.

I talk about navigating big life decisions, outgrowing parts of my life, balancing money, work, motherhood, and the pressure to figure it all out… while still choosing to show up anyway.

This isn’t a polished episode. It’s real, honest, and exactly where I’m at.

If you’re in a season where things feel messy, unclear, or heavy....this one is for you.

You’re not alone in the middle.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome everybody. Welcome back to Outside the Script, a podcast where we question the default path and explore what it means to live life differently. I'm your host, Amanda Cuckoo, and this is where I'm sharing what I'm learning, building in, figuring out in real time. Oh, happy Monday, everybody. I am so tired today. I did not sleep well. And then last week my girls were on school vacation. And I don't know if there's such a thing as balance. I just everything was just dedicated to them. And then I had to work most evenings last week. And yeah, space, I feel is my love language. If anybody's familiar with the book Love Languages, I think there needs to be another love language. Space. Space feels really important to me. And it's hard when you just don't have any space, and then I had no space to create, and I didn't get to my mic, and then I'm just like, I'm like, how am I gonna ever be able to handle all the things that I want to create in this lifetime? But you know what? I don't need to have that figured out today, and it will sort itself out. I trust that. So yeah, I'm grateful that the girls are back at school. I think they're really happy to be back at school, and we had a good week together, and yeah, I'm ready back. I'm ready for more structure and routine though. Again, I think, like I shared another podcast, my big word this year is structure because I've always been such a person who loves to go with the flow, but I'm like learning the power of this word, structure. And I'm really falling in love with just structure, and it just feels really good. Yeah, I was like, oh, I just have so much to do, so I almost didn't show up again to my mic, but I'm like, I'm doing this, and it's not because I have something to say, not it's not because I don't have something to say, but honestly, I just feel like there's just so many moving pieces, and but there's a part of me that's maybe I should wait till I feel a little more clear or more stable or more together, but that's not the intention of this podcast. That's why I am showing up to my mic, and I've created an Instagram account, and I'll probably be working on creating other socials, and it's just just showing up and not having it all figured out, Amanda. So I have to remind myself of that as well. It's such an interesting dance. Yeah, and I just feel like I'm in this really weird space and this in the in-between phase, and it's hard and it feels messy and uncertain and definitely heavy at times, and there's a lot of question marks in my life like net right now. If someone dropped in today and they're like, they'd be surprised at how much is like in the air and how much I have going on. Yeah, and it's not necessarily light or fun, but yeah, I just I don't know what our next steps are. I don't know where we're going to be living, I don't know what the plan is, and there's just so many moving pieces, and we have to be out of our winter until by May 31st. And I thought maybe we would gonna go live with my husband's parents, but they don't want us there, and we took that a little hard because it was only gonna be for a few months, so we're just processing that as well, just because you think that family would always have your back and be there for you, and we could just figure it out together and make it work, but yeah, that's not gonna work. Yeah, and just trying to balance all this and money and work and just showing up at my mic and working on creating multiple streams of income, being a mom, running a household. The girls were on school vacation last week and just doing it all, but like trying to figure out what the next step is. And yeah, I think there's a lot of pressure in that, and I'm like trying to move away from that like pressure place because that was so much of my default. If this is real life, right? So yeah, it's just like what do we do next? Do we stay in Gloucester? Do we move somewhere else? Do we try to buy a house? Do we try to just like I don't know, just what are we gonna do? Yeah, yeah. And then like at the same time, like I'm just growing, evolving, and I feel so much of myself outgrowing these parts of myself, and especially my job. I'm so grateful for my job, but I'm just like, there's just so much, I have such a big purpose in this life, and there's just so much I want to do. And the weird part is I do have so much just gratitude, and I'd like it, I do, but it's like getting harder for me to show up in the same way and be the sunny person that I am. Of course, I still go to work super sunny and positive and all that, but like inside, I'm just like, this is getting harder for me, and I want I know that I want more freedom, I want more flexibility. I definitely want more time with my family as a family unit, and it's like my body knows that, even though my reality hasn't caught up with that, and I've been noticing something else lately, is just like people. The last couple weeks has felt really challenging in terms of like interactions and relationships and expectations, and I've even just touched on that with family, like that really hurt us in a lot of ways, and it made me see things differently, and I'm always have been the some like someone who sees the best in people, like I always want to pick apart their greatest assets, and even if they're not great, I'm like I can find the beauty in that person, and I trust easily, and I want to believe in people, and I still do, but I'm also realizing that everyone does not operate from the same place, and that's just been like super hard for me, and it brings up like the question of boundaries like how do you stay open and kind and trusting without closing myself off or getting hurt? Yeah, so I'm just like noticing that and I'm navigating that and I'm learning from it, and I feel like underneath all this, I feel something is shifting. We know that my life is shifting. My life has completely changed so much in the last year, half a year, especially. And like I just feel like it's getting louder and more real and more undeniable, and at the same time, there is definitely a little bit of fear, definitely a whole like tons of trust. That uncertainty, I feel like there can be that uncertainty in there, that fear, and just like heaps of trust. Cause I truly do trust life, and I too truly do trust that life works for me, and I'm just holding that both and like honoring that it's okay to feel the fear, and like I've talked about before, I've been like the queen of suppression and not allowing these big emotions to come up, or like what we would label as negative emotions or feelings. I would definitely try to positivity that away, and that is not helpful. I need to feel it all, and so just like really just feeling it, and just so much big emotions and feelings, and all these things have really been brewing the last couple weeks. Yeah, but when I zoom out, is what I want is actually really simple, which is I just want more freedom, I want more flexibility, more time with my family, more presence, more adventure, and I don't want to feel like I'm just going through the motions of this life. I don't want to feel stuck in the same loop, and yeah, I just want to live the life that it was meant to live. I want to live a life of a purpose, an inspiration, and just feel like I'm truly living in my dharma. Yeah, and and this podcast is just me documenting that process, not from the other side, but where I am right here in the middle of it. And something else that's been coming up for me is like, even when I get to the other side, like I don't think everything suddenly becomes easier, or even for any of us, like we have these big dreams and we have all these other things, and then we think, okay, like when I get there, or when I do this, or even think about moving, like you think like you have these rules colored glasses, and like, okay, I'm gonna go move here, and then everything's going to be better. And I just think, of course, it's gonna be the furthest thing from the truth, it's just gonna soul stretch us in a different way, and our problems don't go away because we moved here or did this, or all of a sudden, because our dreams finally become our reality. And I don't think this there's like a magical place where life is just smooth and perfect all the time because I think every version of our life is always gonna have its own challenges, and so I have to remind myself of that as well. And I love this saying, I think I heard it from Cody Sanchez, she's really phenomenal and inspiring. I would give her a follow. I heard her say, let's just choose your heart. Like everything is just choosing your heart on some level. So it's like for me, like thinking, yeah, we can go work to a nine to five. That's gonna have its own set of challenges, or like you could say be a business owner, and that's gonna have its own set of challenges and hard. So, like, uncertainty is hard, pressure is hard. Anything like building something from scratch is hard, but also like staying in something that doesn't feel aligned is hard, being stuck is hard, not going after what you want is hard. So we just have to choose a heart. I don't know if I love that word, but you get what I'm saying. And I think the difference is when you're moving towards something that actually matters, and that's in your soul, and you feel like this is your purpose, and you want to truly do this, and you're moving from a place of, oh, this feels so good. Yeah, this is what my heart wants, this is what my soul wants, it's gonna feel different, right? It's gonna, it's gonna, you're gonna feel more alive, you're gonna feel, it's gonna feel more meaningful, it's going to, it's gonna feel different. And that's what I'm moving towards. And I don't think I've ever truly have had that quite yet. I think I've tried to create that in a lot of ways, but it was not from the right state of mind or mindset, and it came from just place of pressure, and for what I'm doing now, showing up to my mic and creating socials. This is I don't I'm not putting pressure on myself or any of this. Like I'm just showing up and sharing what's going on in hopes to inspire somebody else. And hopefully other you guys can inspire me. I love to be inspired. I love inspiring people. It's just such beautiful energy to me. Yeah, and I just want to say, even if I don't know how it's gonna play out yet, even if I don't have a complete clear plan, even if this last couple weeks have felt super heavy for me and messy and uncertain. I'm still moving, I'm still showing up the best I can. I'm still choosing to figure it out as I go, I'm still sharing it with you. And even today, I'm recording this a whole week late. Like I didn't even I wasn't even able to show up to my mic last week. It was just like I had chose my family, and that's okay. It's okay. Like life never goes as planned, and it's okay if I didn't. And so just being like super kind and gentle with myself, and I think that all of us need to learn to be just super kind and super gentle to ourselves because life is hard enough, like we don't need to be harsh toward towards ourselves, yeah. And it was just like one of those weeks, and but yeah, and maybe that's the part we don't talk about enough. Like, it's okay to like to be messy, it's okay if nothing's perfect, like still just showing up and being in that messy middle, being in that murky middle, and when nothing feels clear, but something is shifting, and I'm just trying to make the next best decision. So if you're in that place too, where things feel uncertain and you don't have it figured out and you're questioning everything, just know that you're not alone. And I'm here with you. I'm so here with you, and I don't have the answers yet, but we're gonna keep plugging along and keep sharing with you, you know, what I'm doing, what I'm up to, how I'm feeling, what I'm processing. And maybe right now that's enough. That's enough. So I love you all. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. And if this resonates with you, I would love for you to follow along. And I'll see you on the next episode. Have an awesome day. Bye.