Why does my therapist ... just stare at me?

Silence in therapy can feel awkward, intense—or downright confusing. In this first episode of Therapy Backstage, I explore what’s really going on when your therapist seems to just sit there and stare.

We’ll look at:

• Why therapists use silence in the first place
• What it might bring up for you as a client
• How silence can reveal things that words can’t
• Why it’s not about making you cry or feel uncomfortable on purpose
• How to talk to your therapist if silence doesn’t feel helpful

Whether you’re new to therapy, in it already, or just curious—this episode is your invitation to peek behind the curtain and better understand one of therapy’s quietest tools.

📍Want to go deeper or suggest a future topic? Come find us on Instagram at @therapybackstage

Transcript

Welcome to Therapy Backstage.

I’m Joh Knyn, an Australian psychologist and your host, and this is the podcast where we talk about what actually happens in the therapy room and why.

So, whether you're a client, a clinician, or just curious - this is your invitation backstage.

Today's episode “Why Does My Therapist Just Stare at Me?” – we will focus on the use of silence, within the therapeutic process. So, let’s talk about it.

Imagine, you’ve gone to therapy for the first time perhaps, you’ve had trouble at home and have been talking to your therapist about a conflict with your partner – something that you’ve been confused about – something distressing even. 

And as you finish telling your therapist, there’s that moment when your therapist just sits there… quietly… maybe even staring.

You might then start to think:

·      ‘should I keep talking?’

·      ‘have they fallen asleep with their eyes open?’

·      ‘were they even listening?’

·      ‘do they think I’m just complaining, and it’s not even that bad?’

·      ‘am I even doing this therapy thing, right???’

·      ‘what is going on?”

Let me first acknowledge, that yes – having your therapist sit there, after you’ve just talked about something you’ve been going through, and they sit there, in silence, looking right at you – can feel.

·      Awkward

·      Unsettling

·      Like your being judged

·      Uncomfortable

·      Confusing 

You're not alone – this can be a common experience, and exactly why we are talking about it – so you can better understand what is happening during those moments of silence – and why us therapists often use silence as a therapeutic tool.

This is the ‘behind the curtain’ stuff. 

So – what is the purpose of Therapeutic Silence – the intentions your therapist may have when silence is used, functionally and purposefully, in your session. 

We are holding space for your thoughts, the narrative or story you’ve just told us. The silence can be a way to acknowledge the weight of your story. It can be used to allow space for you and your feelings.

Therapy is not just about talking through your issues, we might call that intellectualising - It’s when someone talks about their feelings in an overly analytical way — rather than actually feeling them. Through silence, your therapist is creating space for you to connect with those feelings, express them.

With our example, you’ve just told your therapist about how sad you’ve felt after that thing happened at home. Your therapist, through the use of silence, is inviting you to feel that sadness – which may be crying, a big sigh, or something else. It’s a way to show you, the client, that it is ok to not just talk about it, but experience the full spectrum of it – feel it. 

Perhaps without this silence – you may feel….rushed, ‘to get to the next bit’. The subtext may be ‘ok, ok, so let’s fix this. I call this ‘moving straight into solution focused mode’ – which bypasses a vital step. Feeling the feelings you’re talking about. 

If we go back to our example; you’ve just said to your therapist something like – ‘and it hurt me so much what was said’. And straight away you hear your therapist go ‘sure, ok, but let’s figure out why this happened’. That hurt, might feel invalidated, dismissed even.

If we added silence then, back into the mix. It might sound more like this:

Client: and it hurt me so much what was said

SILENCE

Clinician: yeah, I hear that.

And that moment of silence, and a breath, the therapist is allowing that hurt to be seen. It can be a very powerful tool, when used correctly. 

Let’s look at it another way.

Silence may be used as a way to reveal things, for us therapists. I can be a way for your therapist to get a great understanding of your capacity to connect with your feelings – your ability to tolerate silence itself, which is an important skill. It’s also important to say—therapists aren’t perfect. We’re human too. Sometimes a therapist might use silence out of habit or without fully noticing the impact it’s having on you. That’s why it’s okay and encouraged to talk with your therapist about the process itself. 

But, if we get back to our example - you’ve just said to your therapist – ‘and it hurt me so much what was said’. Your therapist may not say something straight away, sit with you in the silence. And you start to feel sooooo uncomfortable – and then you just….keep talking. 

‘so yeah, I mean, it’s not like it happens all the time, they don’t always say things like that. You know? Does that make sense? Yeah.’

As a therapist, this might give us a clue behind ‘your curtain’ so to speak. It might reveal to your therapist that you have a hard time being with your feelings. And this may be something that you could work on in your therapy – as part of building your internal resourcing skills – a fancy way of saying your ability to tolerate unpleasant emotions. Again – a great skill to have as an emotionally healthy adult.

Through this silence, your therapist has learned something about you – without having to ask you ‘so how good are you at feeling unpleasant emotions?’ which 1, would be a strange question to ask, so directly – and 2, most people either say ‘im ok at it’ or are unsure and laugh because it’s an awkward question to be asked.

But why is it so uncomfortable to sit in silence with my therapist? I hear some of you asking. That’s a great question. 

 It could be for a number of reasons, but here’s a couple to consider. 

Whilst yes, silence can be uncomfortable and awkward. For some, silence can be triggering or highly activating. What I mean by that is; it can bring up really strong feelings, from old or maybe even current wounds. Wounds that taught us that silence was a way to punish, disapprove, judge or be abandoned. It is important for us to understand that this is a different experience to simply being uncomfortable and feeling awkward in silence. 

For those who have experienced silence as a means to harm – I see you, and am sorry that happened. For you, it is important that you work with your therapist on their use of silence, ensuring clear communication about the way silence is used in your sessions. 

For those who are spicy brained, neurodivergent, silence may activate rejection sensitivity, or be over-stimulating. Again, it is really important you speak with your therapist about this so that they understand how you and your brain work – and can collaborate about the therapeutic process. That meta-therapy thing. 

So – now hopefully it’s a little clearer as to why your therapist may use silence as tool in the therapy room. 

1 – it’s a way to invite all of your experience into the room, or session

2 – it’s a way us therapists can learn about how you relate to silence and what happens for you in those moments where perhaps you are experiencing unpleasant emotions.

It’s not about withholding support, to reject you or ‘make’ you feel uncomfortable. But it is important to remember that silence without attunement can lead to disconnection.

If you’ve been in a therapy session and your therapist has used silence – and you’ve felt overwhelmed or uncomfortable. Or you’re worried about your therapist using silence as a tool. Here are some tips to help therapy feel safer. 

1 - Talk with your therapist from the beginning about silence and how you have a really hard time with it. It might sound like this;

‘Hey therapist, I know sometimes silence can be something that happens in a session. But it makes me really uncomfortable. I get in my head, and start to spiral – or my body starts to tremble and I worry you are judging me’. Can you instead, just talk me through things when hard feelings come up? – or I feel more seen by having you reflect back to me what you see me feeling in the moment, versus you being silent while im having a big feeling. Or silence can be really triggering for me. I’m not ready to get into the why of it, but can you not use silence so much in our sessions. 

This is you being a collaborator in the therapy room, which can help your therapist know this about you from the get go. It also establishes from the beginning, that you know this about yourself and are asking for what you need from your therapist at that point in time. 

Another option could be.

2 - You can ask your therapist, in the first session, how do you use silence in the therapeutic process?

It’s a great question. And it may help you feel more comfortable in hearing specifically about your therapist’s ‘behind the curtain’ thought processes. 

These kinds of conversations, with your therapist, is meta-therapy. Which is when you and your therapist talk about the therapy itself—its structure, boundaries, dynamics, or even what’s happening in the room between them and you—before, during, or after the actual therapeutic process.

If you’d like a full episode on Meta-therapy, head over to our Instagram page, @therapybackstage and send us DM or comment on one of our posts. We’d love to hear from you and what you want to know about therapy.

What do we now know. 

Silence in therapy is a tool, used purposefully. It is not a judgment or a way to manipulate you in the therapy room.

It's meant to support your process, not hinder it or hurt you.

I invite you to reflect on the following question.

“Think about a time when silence between you and someone else felt meaningful or really challenging in your life. What did it bring up for you?” What is your relationship with silence like? 

Thanks for joining me backstage for this first episode.

If sitting in silence has ever left you wondering what’s really going on—I hope this helped make sense of some of why it happens in the therapy room.

Therapy isn’t about performing or ‘playing along’ because you don’t know what is happening. It’s about being present with whatever is happening for you at that time and collaborating with your therapist to get the most out of that service. 

And sometimes, silence is part of what helps us get there.

If this episode got you thinking, I’d love for you to share it with someone or leave us a review.

Make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss an episode—

and come find me on Instagram at @therapybackstage to share your thoughts, questions or ideas for future episodes.

However you found your way here—I'm really glad you did.

This is your invitation backstage, anytime.

and

I’ll see you soon.