Why Does My Therapist Ask About My Childhood?

Ever wondered why your therapist keeps circling back to your childhood, even when you're focused on what's happening right now? In this episode of Therapy Backstage, we explore the connection between early life experiences and adult mental health.

Joh Knyn unpacks:

• How your childhood shapes the way you see yourself and others
• The role of early attachment experiences in adult relationships
• A gentle breakdown of the four main attachment styles
• Why looking back doesn’t mean you’re avoiding current issues, but a way of reflecting on where your pattens may have come from (an important step in healing)

Whether you're new to therapy or years into the process, this episode helps make sense of why the past is such a vital part of the therapeutic present.

Plus: Tips on some boundary setting phrases you could use with your therapist if talking about your childhood feels too big or too much right now.

Transcript

Welcome to Therapy Backstage.

I’m Joh Knyn, an Australian psychologist and your host, - and this is the podcast where we talk about what actually happens in the therapy room and why.

So, whether you're a client, a clinician, or just curious...

this is your invitation backstage.

Today’s episode is called, "Why Does My Therapist Ask About My Childhood?"

Firstly, thanks for being patient with episode three – not only am I your podcast host, but I am also a practicing psychologist here in Australia with a full case load of clients. I am glad to be back making episodes. 

Today’s episode is Why when you are in therapy, your therapist may Ask About My Childhood.

 It might feel a bit cliché at first — like something out of a TV show or movie. But there is a reason why I, and so many therapists ask about your childhood experiences. 

And today, we’re going to break that down:

·      Why it’s relevant and part of the therapeutic process

·      How it influences you as an adult client

·      And what to do if talking about childhood feels too big, too much or unsafe right now.

We’ll also chat a bit about attachment styles, what you can notice between sessions, and I’ll give you some tips and prompts to take to your next session with your therapist.

So why does childhood matter when it comes to therapy. let’s start here. 
 
 Put simply, our earliest relationships shape how we see ourselves, the world, how we expect others to interact with us, and what we believe we deserve.
 
 From a psychological perspective, this includes:

·      How we attach to others, like our attachment style

·      How we regulate our own emotions, and

·      What kind of strategies we have learned to survive stress, rejection, chaos, or conflict (interpersonal and intrapersonal).

This doesn’t mean childhood causes all our problems - but it can often be a place, in therapy, to start understanding where our patterns may have been developed – in our way of coping with big emotions and the world and people around us.
 

If you’ve heard the term “attachment style” before and thought, “Oh that sounds like some sort of quiz I could do online” but been unsure of what it really means. Let’s talk about it means.
 
 Attachment styles reflect our patterns of behaviour and emotional responses we exhibit in our relationships with others. These patterns are shaped by how safe, seen and connected we felt to our caregivers, our parents, when we were very small. 
 
 Based on attachment theory by John Bowlby (that’s bowlby) there are four main styles:

Secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganized. 

Let’s start with secure. 

A person develops secure attachment as the result of feeling secure with their caregivers, parents, from childhood and being able to receive reassurance or validation without punishment.

Ultimately, this person felt safe, understood, comforted or soothed, valued and emotionally seen during their interactions with their parents, as a child. An adult with secure attachment is able to regulate their own emotions, can soothe and comfort themselves, build trusting relationships with others and feel safe to seek support from others. 

However, if a person did not receive that level of care, validation etc during childhood, they may develop a different attachment style. 

Like avoidant attachment.

An avoidantly attached person, or non securely attached person may have real challenges in building healthy, lasting long-term relationships with others and have difficulty with being emotionally intimate. They may prioritise self-sufficiency or independence (such as hyper-independence) and may seem uninterested in close, deep relationships or appear detached.

This is because, when they were a child, their caregivers or parents were likely distant, expected the child to be independent (by leaving them to fend for themselves or praising when they were independent and punishing them when they needed something). As children, a person with an avoidant attachment style might have experienced a lot of rejection from their parent when expressing their emotions or needs or consistently showing their child disinterest in their emotions and needs.

But what if the caregiver or parents were inconsistent in their attunement to the child’s needs.

Then they may develop anxious attachment. 

This is where the adult fears rejection, abandonment and depends on their relationships for validation of self and to regulate their own emotions. Unlike a securely attached person who can do that themselves.

When a child experiences inconsistent care from their parents, sometimes they received some care, and at other times they didn’t. The child can, understandably, become very confused and anxious about when they may get their needs met. If they weren’t sure whether they were going to get their needs met, feel seen, heard and validated – then they would almost anticipate that each time, might not be the time they get it. This would create a lot of anxiety and stress in any person. 

Lastly, our disorganised attachment. 

One of the most common reasons a person has disorganized attachment is because they experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse as a child. Beyond the inconsistency received from parents that leads to anxious attachment, children whose parents where a source of comfort at times, but also a source of fear – leads to disorganised attachment. As adults, it can feel like a push-pull dynamic when trying to build relationships; the deep human desire to be close and connected to others is often a source of strong fear or even terror. 

It's important to remember, that your attachment style is not your ‘fault’, it isn’t a character flaw. It simply helps us understand more about how you developed as a child, during those early years when your first relationships (those with your parents) shaped how you began to view how the world works, and how you work within the world. 

So hopefully by now we can start to see why, when your therapist asks you about your childhood, they are trying to get a picture of your attachment style and how that may have developed – not just asking to be nosy or avoid the issue you’ve come in for.

But what if I’m not wanting to talk to my therapist about my relationships with others Joh? I hear some of you ask. 

Great question. As we’ve talked about, attachment and our very early experiences in life also teach us how we connect with ourselves, our emotions and how we learn to cope with things. 

Even if you are there to talk to your therapist about issues with your own thoughts, behaviours – separate from your personal or professional relationships. Having your therapist understand your childhood experiences, helps them understand how you relate to yourself. How you cope with big feels. Why you may choose to do or not do something in the face of stress. It helps us understand the beginning, of you. It is an important part of your life story and can inform how treatment may look. 

But what if it talking about childhood feels too big, too much or unsafe in therapy right now. That’s ok. 

Your therapist’s job is to meet you where you are at. 

As we’ve talked about in previous episodes, your therapist is not there to make you feel worse, or push for some agenda they think is best for you or to watch you cry for entertainment. 

Your therapy sessions are just that, your therapy sessions. 

You are allowed to say ‘I’m not ready to go there’, or ‘It’s actually really hard to talk about my childhood’. These are small ways (that can sometimes feel really big, depending on your attachment style *see what I did there, linking content*) These are small ways you can set boundaries with your therapist. Which we know is a healthy part of any relationship.

Here’s an example with Kerrie, *Kerrie being our fake client*; she’s seen her therapist for a few sessions now. And the dreaded question comes up.

Therapist: ‘So Kerrie’ ‘Is it ok if we talked about your childhood experiences?’

Maybe this is where Kerrie starts to dissociate* a bit or takes a biiig sip of water to avoid the question for a moment. *if you’re interested in learning more about dissociation, leave us a comment anywhere on our socials*

Therapist: ‘So Kerrie’ ‘Is it ok if we talked about your childhood experiences?’

Kerrie: *sigh* ‘Well, I had a really tough time as a kid and I don’t think I’m ready to go there.’

Therapist: ‘I hear you. Talking about our childhoods, especially when we’ve had tough ones, can be really hard’.

Kerrie: ‘Yeah. It’s just something I haven’t done with anyone before’.

Therapist: ‘Thank you for letting me know that. I helps me understand why this might be a hard topic to talk about. Is there anything that you need from me, to feel more comfortable or feel more supported in being able to talk about your childhood?’

Kerrie: ‘to be honest, I have no idea.’

Therapist: ‘That’s ok. Why don’t we start there. We can talk about, what it might be like to talk about your childhood – like…meta therapy. What would that process look like and maybe feel like, before we actually talk about it’. ‘How does that sound?’

Here – the therapist meets Kerrie where she is at, validates that it is ok to not want to go there and have no idea how to feel best supported to talk about her childhood. This is part of therapy, not knowing how to talk about something – and your therapist validating that. Because if you knew how to do therapy, what the answers were, how to solve the problem or issue already – you wouldn’t be there. It is ok that you don’t know, it is ok that it feels really big, it is ok to have no idea where to begin. That’s part of therapy. It can be scary, and overwhelming – and your therapist is there to support you, at your pace. 

So – I’ll invite you to think about these questions, which ever one resonates with you.

What might be your attachment style? 

Are there parts of your childhood you may not be ready to talk about with your therapist and is that something you could tell them? ‘Like, I have never talked about my experiences in grade school, I wouldn’t know where to start’

And lastly – how might your childhood experiences be impacting or influencing the way you interact with yourself, others and the world?

As always. 

Thanks for joining me backstage.

I hope this episode helped make sense of something that can feel formal and clinical —and allowed you to see how talking about your early experiences as a human can really help your therapist understand you as an adult and what may be a layer that is perpetuating or continuing the issues you are there to talk about and work through.

If you did find this helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with someone who is contemplating going to therapy and may need a peak behind the curtain of what to expect in therapy.  Or leave us a review.

And if you’ve got a “Why does my therapist…” question you’d like me to answer, send me a message on Instagram @therapybackstage.

Make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss any future episodes as I get back into recording.

and however you found your way here – I’m so glad you did.

This is your invitation backstage, anytime.

and

I’ll see you soon.