Not Crashing out...Over Him!

I’m not even gonna lie… this episode almost didn’t happen.

Because I was this close to crashing out.

You know that feeling? When your emotions are loud, your thoughts are louder, and all you want to do is text them one last time just to feel something back?

Yeah… that.

In this episode, I’m letting it all out—the confusion, the anger, the hurt, and the part nobody really talks about… still wanting someone who already let you go.

From the “it’s complicated” conversations…
 to the closure that wasn’t really closure…
 to the moment everything actually ended—

this is raw, unfiltered, and very real.

No pretending I’m healed.
 No acting like I’ve got it all together.

Just me… choosing not to lose myself in a moment that could’ve cost me my peace.

If you’ve ever fought the urge to crash out after a breakup…
 this one is for you.

Because sometimes…
 it’s not about getting them back.

It’s about getting YOU back.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I'm not even gonna lie to y'all. I'm this close to a crash out. Like text messages have already been typed, then deleted, then typed again. Phone is being picked up and put back down. I'm crying one minute, mad the next, and I'm trying really hard not to embarrass myself in between it. So instead of crashing out, I decided I'm about to hit record. Because if I text him, I might say something I can't take back. But if I say it here, at least it turns into something. Right? So boom. The vibes have been the vibes have just been off between us for a minute. And you know that feeling when something just doesn't feel right, but you keep you keep trying to convince yourself that you're just overthinking. Like yeah, that's right. I'm just I'm just overthinking, right? But he was moving different, talking different. Energy is just off. And I'm one of them people I don't like to beat around the bush with nothing, like nothing at all. I'd rather you just come straight out and say what's on your mind or on your chest and say it with your chest. You know what I'm saying? So I just came straight out and asked him, are you seeing or fucking somebody else at this point? Now that's a pretty straightforward question, right? Yes or no answer, right? Well, instead of a yes or a no, I get, well, it's complicated. Complicated? How is that complicated? Again, it's a simple yes or it's a simple no. So now y'all, I'm irritated. Because don't play in my face like I'm slow. Don't give me confusion when I ask for clarity. Like what? So I'm like, what the fuck is complicated? Like seriously, what the fuck is complicated? And that's when he hits me with I can't live up to your expectations of being your boyfriend.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

And I need space. Space.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Not honesty, not accountability, but space. Okay. Now listen, I'm not about to sit here and act like I handled that perfectly. Because I didn't. And for my closure, I slept with him. One last time. And when I tell you, he took me through there, y'all. Like, probably shouldn't have done that because he really took me through there. And that's the most dangerous part. Because now I've got heartbreak mixed with attachment, mixed with memories that not just hit your mind, but your body as well. And that combination, yeah, that'll have you acting so out of character real fucking quick. Because here I am trying not to act out of character. So right after that, he finally says it. He wants to break up. Now my emotions all over the fucking place. Because how do you break my heart right after reminding me why I loved you? So I'm trying not to cry, trying to keep whatever dignity I got left, and I just say, big bet. Big fucking bet. But let's be real, that wasn't strength. That was me trying not to fall apart in front of him. The next day, I went to work. And honestly, like really honestly, that helped. Because distractions are cute during the day. But then nighttime hits and nighttime don't play fair. I got home and it hit me all at once. The silence, the absence, the reality that it's over, like really over. And so I drank. Not even gonna dress it up, not even pretend like I was all peaches and creams and rainbows and sunshine. Cause I wasn't, and I drank because I didn't want to feel it. I didn't want to feel it as loud as I was feeling it. And then this is the part that nobody ever wants to talk about the urge to text him, to call him, to pull up, y'all, but to pull up, to say something, anything, not even to like fix it, but just to feel like I still matter. Because sometimes we don't reach out for love, we reach out for the escape of the silence. So I had to sit with myself and really ask if I crash out right now, what do I actually gain? A response? Maybe. Closure? Probably not. Peace? Definitely not. So now I'm sitting here hurting, missing him, low-key, mad as fuck. And still choosing not to crash out. And this right here, this is one of those this isn't that moments. But what feels like rejection, because that's really what it feels like. But it's really redirection. So what feels like losing him might actually be me getting back to myself. I'm not healed, I'm not over it. I'm still thinking about him. Probably will always think about him. I still want to reach out. But I'm choosing not to lose myself. Trying to hold on to someone who clearly has already let go. And so if you're listening to this and you're fighting that same urge, don't trade your peace for a moment of attention.