I Tired to Be His Type...and Lost Mine

Ever looked up in a relationship and thought...

"Wait... when did I stop being me?"

In today's episode of This Isn't That, I'm getting real (and a little too honest) about the time I slowly started changing myself to fit what I thought a man wanted. From switching up my personality, to dressing different, to literally second-guessing everything I did-yeah... we're unpacking ALL of it.

And don't worry... we're laughing too. Because baby, the realization phase? Embarrassing. Humbling. Necessary.

This episode is for anyone who's ever; shrunk themselves to keep a relationship, ignored their own voice to avoid conflict, looked back and said "girl... what were you doing?"

I'm sharing the moment it all clicked, how I found my way back to myself, and why losing that relationship was actually the best thing that could've happened.

And stick around till the end-because that motivational talk? Yeah...it's one you didn't know you needed. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Tell me the right thing. Tell me the right thing. Tell me the right thing.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Hey besties. It's your girl, Alyssa B. So let me tell y'all something real quick, okay? If you ever see me drinking something I don't even like, or like laughing at jokes that I don't even think are funny, or saying I'm okay when clearly I'm not, just know I might be in a relationship. Because baby, the way I just shape shifted in this relationship, Academy Award Performance. Okay. So welcome back to This Isn't That, where life be life in, okay? Relationships be teaching, and I be coming back stronger, funnier, and slightly more delusional, but in a healed way. Okay. And today we're talking about the time I turned into somebody I barely recognized trying to be what I thought a man wanted. Like let's start at the beginning. Because it didn't just happen overnight. Like it never does, right? At first it's small, cute even. Just start like liking what he likes, listening to his music, watching his shows, you know, laughing at his jokes that sound like they were written by a middle school boy. Just a little bit. You think, aww, I'm just being supportive. No. No, ma'am. You're slowly entering your customizable girlfriend era. Okay? Because why did I go from I don't like sports to wait, what quarter is this? Oh, okay. We're doing good. Like, who is we? I don't even know these men on the field. Not even a little bit. Like, at all. I'm really not even interested. And it's funny at first until one day I look up and realize I don't even recognize my own routine anymore. Let's talk about the personality switch too. Like, because this part, this part is wild. I went from being loud, funny, expensive. Okay, maybe expensive's not the right word. Expressive. That's the one I'm looking for. To suddenly being calm, reserved. Let me not say too much. Let me not do too much. Like, excuse me. Since when? If you know me, you know. You know. I started filtering myself like I was editing a podcast episode. Cut that out. Trim that part. Definitely don't say that. Like, baby. I was muting my own personality in real time. And the crazy part, nobody told me to do that. Now let that sink in. Nobody said, hey, can you be less you? But I felt it. I sensed it. And instead of standing firm, I adjusted. Now let's get into appearance. Because whoo you ever start dressing for somebody else without even realizing it? I'm in the mirror, like, would he like this? Hold on. Let me ask a better question. Do I like this? Because why am I wearing outfits that don't even match my spirit? Why am I toning down my style like I'm the problem or I'm on probation? And don't let me say he likes a certain type. Oh, it's over. Now you're researching hairstyles, outfits, aesthetics, trying to accidentally on purpose become that. Meanwhile, your real life is in the background, like, girl, this is not even us. And what about the mental gymnastics? Can we talk about that? Because relationships will have you overthinking things that should just be simple. I started analyzing everything: his tone, his text, his pauses, his movements throughout the day, like truly monitoring and analyzing everything. Why did I become a human lie detector? Why am I reading between the lines that aren't even there? Like, are we serious? And the worst part, y'all, convincing myself that confusion was normal. Let me say that again. I convinced myself that confusion was part of love. That right there, that was my sign. Now here's where it gets real. There was a moment where I said something and it didn't even sound like me. And I paused and was like, hold on, who the fuck is that? Because it wasn't me. It was the version of me that had been edited, filtered, and adjusted to fit into a relationship that required me to be smaller. And in that moment, I realized I've been performing, not living, performing. Let me give y'all a story time, okay? Because you know I got one. So boom. We're having a conversation, and by conversation, I mean I'm explaining my feelings calmly, respectfully, like I got some sense, right? And he hits me with, you're doing too much. Too much? Oh. Okay. So now I'm too much. But this whole time I've been less than myself to make you comfortable. And then something in me just snapped. Not loud, not dramatic, just a quiet realization I'm losing myself trying to keep this. And baby, I like me. So why am I trading me in for a relationship that don't even feel good? The breakup? Yeah, it hurt. I'm not even gonna lie to y'all. I still low-key kind of feel some way about it. But when you've invested time, energy, emotions, you don't just walk away untouched. But here's what hurt more. Realizing how far I had drifted away from myself, that part kind of hit different. You know what I'm saying? Because now I'm not just grieving the relationship, I'm reconnecting with a version of me I haven't seen in a while. Now, this part, this is where it gets funny again. Because relearning yourself is awkward. I'm sitting there like, so what do we like to do again? I had to literally reintroduce myself to me. I started doing little things like playing music, wearing what I actually want to wear and like to wear, saying how I actually feel. And let me tell you, she came back quick, quick as fuck, loud, funny, and unapologetic. Do you feel me? I said, Oh, you were still here? She said, girl, I never left. You just stopped choosing me. And that's crazy, because what? Now let's wrap the lesson in a nice little bow, okay? If you have to shrink, it's not for you. If you feel confused more than you feel secure, that's your answer. If you're constantly adjusting yourself, you're not being loved. You're being managed. And I don't know about y'all, but I'm not I'm not, what's the word? I'm not a setting. Okay? I'm not something you just adjust. So let me talk to you for real, for real. If you're listening to this right now and you feel like you've lost yourself in a relationship, I need you to hear me. You are not too much. You were just giving too much to someone who couldn't hold it. You are not hard to love. You were just trying to be understood by someone who never took the time to learn you. And you don't need to become someone else to be chosen. The right person will meet you where you are, not where you've edited yourself to be. Now, take your power back piece by piece, day by day, just like me. Laugh again, speak freely again, be bold again. Because the version of you that you're trying to find, she's not gone. She's just waiting for you to choose her. Alright, y'all. If this episode had you laughing, thinking, or side-eyeing your past decisions just a little bit, I need you to do me a favor. Leave a review. I might read yours in the next episode. You never know. Share this with somebody who needs to hear it, and follow me so you don't miss the next episode. Because over here, we're healing, we're growing, and we're never, ever shrinking ourselves for love again. And just remember, trying to be somebody else, this isn't that.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Tell me the right thing, oh wound. Tell me the right thing.