Before She Died My Mom Made Me A Video & Audio For Podcast Show

Before She Died, My Mom Made Me a Video & Audio for Podcast Show

Welcome to Mind Life In English, hosted by Profe Lao.

In this episode, you'll improve your English through a compelling story that explores emotions, family relationships, and meaningful conversations. Story-based learning is one of the most effective ways to build vocabulary, strengthen listening skills, and understand how English is naturally used in real-life contexts.

As you follow the narrative, you'll hear practical sentence structures, everyday vocabulary, and natural expressions that help you develop better comprehension and speaking confidence. This lesson encourages you to listen carefully, recognize useful phrases, and practice repeating key sentences to improve your pronunciation and fluency.

Whether you're learning English for daily communication, work, travel, or personal development, this episode offers an engaging way to expand your language skills while following an emotionally meaningful storyline. Regular exposure to authentic English stories can help you become a more confident and effective communicator.

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Keywords:
English Story, Learn English Through Stories, English Listening Practice, Spoken English, English Vocabulary, English Speaking Practice, English Pronunciation, Story-Based Learning, Everyday English, English Communication Skills, English Fluency, English Language Learning, Education Podcast, Mind Life In English, Profe Lao.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone. Today I have a very special video. I always say that, but this one is like extra special. It's extra personal. I don't know if I have ever or will ever share something this personal on this channel. For a while I was debating whether or not to even post it. But at the end of the day, I think it's a cool thing that I want to share with the world. And I think some of you might be interested or you might benefit from it because, well, it is related to English, English speakers, native English speakers. But also some of you guys like more personal stuff because it's more interesting, it's more engaging, and you actually learn more that way. So I'm sharing the video that my mom made for me before she died. She made it in three parts. When she died, I was 14. And in this video, she's talking to me and saying that I'm 13 at the time. So this was about a year before she died, or less than a year before she died. She made a video for me and my brother as well. He has his own video in case she were to die because she knew that she had cancer at the time. And there was the possibility. I mean, there's always the possibility that we could die tomorrow, but my mom was facing something pretty serious. And so she thought it would be a good idea to make a video talking to me and my brother so that we could have that and watch that forever. And I'm really glad she did. The problem is that her friend helped her record it, and whatever they used to record it was absolutely atrocious. It was horrible. So the audio quality is trash. It's really bad. So I don't want you to use this as a way to test your listening comprehension because even I don't understand what she said at certain points. And there's certain certain points where the video it cuts and it goes really fast and nobody can understand. So don't use it to practice your listening. Just use it to practice English in general or like, you know, see how native speakers really talk. Because I put subtitles. I went through the video and wrote the subtitles. I edited all the subtitles so you know that they are accurate. You can read along with the subtitles. All right. Don't feel like you need to be able to understand just off listening. You can read it, and that's what native speakers do when the quality is not very good, anyways. But you can still see and hear generally what she's saying for the most part, even though it's not the best quality. If you've been watching this channel for a while, you might know that I have already talked about my family history, some of my childhood story, my parents, my mom, my dad. And you might know that I didn't have the best relationship with my mom, especially in the years leading up to her death. And so when I watch this video of her talking, there are moments where even today I'm I'm rolling my eyes, like, you know, she she just didn't get certain things. And she did her best. I'm able to recognize that she did her best and she absolutely loved me, even if her best wasn't up to my standards, you know, because I I believe that I am more conscious about certain things than my mom was. And like I've said in previous videos, my mom had a lot of emotional and mental issues. She carried a lot of trauma and things with her. Life was not easy for my mom. She she struggled every day with her emotions and her situations that she put herself in and just dealing with a lot of things. My mom had a lot of stress and she had a lot of anger. I, as I got older, was a difficult child because I am a very intellectual type and I like to challenge her and I like to question everything that she says and does, and I had an answer for everything, and I had a question for everything, and you know, and I that drove my mom crazy. And that was really hard for her. My mom was very much, you know, because I said so, and I was like, that's not a good enough reason. But regardless, I know that she loved me and I know that she did her best. You don't need to remind me of that in the comments because I'm already aware. I just ask that you please be respectful. So, you know, if you're gonna comment something about my mom, please say something nice or respectful about her or nothing at all because it is my mom. Let's let's have some respect, even though I sometimes talk about issues that I had with her on this channel. But, you know, that doesn't mean that you can criticize her for that. Okay. I can, you can't. All right, you got it? Okay. So I think this video is very interesting. It's it's very emotional, just to let you know, she tears up, she she starts crying a few times. So just be prepared for that. But I think it's very interesting to see the way that my mom talks because she talks very much like me. In this video, you might be able to see where I get my way of talking from. Now I edit my videos a lot, but the way that I normally talk is with a lot of filler words, a lot of pauses and hesitation, like I'm thinking while I'm speaking, and I will start a sentence and then uh start saying something else and start saying, you know, like I'm constantly speaking in these broken, fragmented sentences. I thought that I did this very badly, but then I watched the video of my mom and I'm like, oh, she's worse than me. Like, this is where I get it from. Me and my mom are not the best speakers. We we have a lot of like good, good ideas, good thoughts, and you know, a lot of smart things going on up here, but it doesn't come out so easily. And both my mom and and I were good at writing, but when we have to speak in the moment and get the thoughts out in the moment, it can be it can be hard for us. So you might be able to see like a similar speech pattern comparing my mom to me. So okay, enough talking. Thanks for listening through the introduction, and here is the video.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

I have been wanting to create this video for you, and I I I wanted to create one for your brother, um, for you to have as a keepsake. Even though I've rehearsed this, even though I practice what I'd like to say to you. I mean, there's lots of things that I say to you every day. Um, this can be emotional for me, and um, and sometimes, you know, as humans, we get emotional, and and and if I get that way during the video, it's just because this is a kind of an awkward, funny thing for me, too. Um I want you to have the opportunity to see me physically speaking to you, um, because you know, even though I believe that we're not just physical beings, we're also spiritual beings, I will always be spiritually in your life, I believe. Um, if I even if I wasn't here on earth, say something happened to me and I was not here. But I just want you to know that I feel like I want you to have this opportunity to be able to look at me and see me speaking to you in this way. You know, I've been dealing with breast cancer and it's been uh ups and downs and you know, since my diagnosis, and I've been trying to keep you informed. It's hard because right now you're 13 years old, and when I was diagnosed, you were you were you know you know two years younger, and it's hard because I know you, your friends, your friendship school, and all of the daily, you know, your sports and everything is such a such an integral part of your life right now. Um, and I know from having been 13, parents are not really the most important thing right now, and probably won't be for several more years. But this is my gift to you. This is my as your mother, and I apologize if my eye looks a little funny, but mom just had radiation and I'm trying to focus with one eye. I'm not gonna put my pirate patch on because that would be a little silly and I don't want to play dress up for Halloween, but basically, I I know that there's been videos made for, you know, parents have made videos for children if you know they think something might happen to them or they would just like to make a video just to have. And um, I've seen some of the formats of how they've been done. The way I would like to create this video for you is to give you a sense that I there are many things that I would like to say, and there are many things that I would like to wish for you as you venture through life that I, you know, if for some reason something happens, I'm not able to say those words or do that. I don't think that I would cover everything that I would think of, every detail. I don't expect to do that, but I I don't expect to be my long-term goals are to be at major events in your life, major landmark events such as joyous things that you're gonna experience that you haven't even got to yet. Your graduation from high school, um, a prom, maybe going to a prom with a boy, haha. I know that's not something that you think about, but you know, those are things that I think about as a mom. Um possibly a wedding. We don't know, you know. I mean, you never know. I know you talk about different things and you have a lot of ideas, but you're 13. So you might change your mind. Um, a new job, going to college. Those are gonna be major things that happen to you, but they're also gonna happen to me. Because as your parent, I'm gonna experience those on an emotional level. Um, since I gave birth to you and I've been a part of your life and I in raising you and all of that. Um if for some reason I am not able to physically be at those events, um, those are my long-term goals, and I have every intention of being, then I hope that this video can give you the opportunity to just hear what I wish for you without having to be right there in the moment. I'm not gonna go through details and try to just be there because you know, you life changes and what I might wish for you now may not be what I wish for you, but it but in general, I would like to. There are certain things that I know feel. Um, I'm gonna go back to your birth because this is where it all started. My relationship with you started when I discovered I had life, when I found out that I was pregnant with you, and I want to, even though I've talked to you and you've asked me questions on the bed and we've chatted about stuff, I really want to kind of go through that with you to lead you it to the place where you know the next segment of this video will be sort of just you know going through the journey of your life. Um, but I want to start back at your birth. 13 years ago from September, um, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I knew, even though I was not a married person, um, I knew I always, you just know growing up, you just know whether it be, I don't know if I was in middle school, high school, I don't know if it was when I was a child. I just knew I would always have children. I always wanted children. I chose a profession around children to be a teacher, and I have that passion to to educate and be and help children in that capacity. And so that was always with me. And I always knew that that's what I wanted to do. And I went through so much as a child myself, I felt like I really just wanted to, it was my mission and goal to make sure that children had, in all fairness, the benefit of experiencing happiness and quality in their childhood as best as we can. Now, when I found out that I had life inside me, I was overjoyed. I mean, I was just thrilled. I mean, it may have been a surprise at first, but I talked to you when you were in the womb. I I even bought books because I knew my, you know, my education that, you know, this was going to be beneficial. I read to you, um, I ate well, I did everything that I possibly could to make sure that you had a good start to life. And I think that um, you know, and that was just such uh it was a time of like anticipation, and I I did have some nervous feelings naturally I was gonna be a mom, but I just always had this confidence that I was destined to be a mother and you were somehow I had this instinct motherly instinct or whatever you want to want to call it, that you were first of all, I I knew you were a girl before I had the scans. I don't know how, but I did. And I was correct in in thinking that, but I I also had this feeling that you were a strong individual. Don't ask me how. I just had this feeling that you were going to be a strong-willed, a strong girl. Um, maybe because of myself, maybe because I I knew that I had some of those qualities, but I I just had a feeling that you were going to be, and we were gonna be okay. And um, you know, your dad, when he learned about the pregnancy and things, of course, I don't mentally don't think that. I mean, I'm not gonna speak for him. I don't think he was quite ready at first, but I but I was 100% ready and willing. So um I didn't have all the answers, I didn't have all the results of how you know my living arrangements, how things would pan out financially, what was going on, but I did have a job. I had uh a teaching job, and I was I was just you know, and my doctor wished me all the luck and had confidence in me. And so I just went on my way um with all of that. As you developed inside me, and then you know, your birth, you know, I I knew I had a healthy pregnancy, it was a it was a great pregnancy, and um I felt good. Um, and then it came to be that you were ready to be born and you weren't gonna wait. You, you know, it was a it was my first pregnancy, so it was a long, you know, 24 hours. I I had started my labor, and then I, you know, they they did have to break my water and I went in, and so it was a long process, but it was well worth it. I had a my college roommate Mary with me, and you know, your dad popped in, and then of course granny came in, and um, she wasn't invited, but she came anyway. Um, I I just had a good feeling about the whole thing, and I just knew that we, you know, things were gonna be great. Um, you were born in the dark under a spotlight because I was just so exhausted from all a whole day of just you know, I thought you were ready to come. They said you were, but it just took well, so we're both stubborn. And so when you came finally under that spotlight, uh Dr. Ziggler handed you to me, and I just watching you, I just knew, oh, this is you know, I I could feel your strength, I could feel your um just how how strong and vibrant and healthy you were as A B. And I knew, you know, I didn't have any worries. There was no you weren't weak, there was nothing wrong, all you you checked up great, and um, so all of that was great. Um, but from that time, from that moment, and you know, and I brought you home, and of course it wasn't easy. You had some stomach issues and you were cocky, and and I had to kind of like troubleshoot with the um the formulas, and I know you get upset with me and wonder why I didn't nurse you and things like that. And if I could have gone back, there were some changes I would have made. We are not perfect. I I made that decision based on my work and being a single mom. It wasn't something that I would have made a couple years later, but life happens that way. I was a formula-fed baby. I felt that would be okay. Um, so I I did um move forward, and and when you got past your colic and all that, I watched you develop into a little girl. And from the time you were a baby, I just all I could do is just stare at you. Of course, you were my first child, and I think that had to do with it. But I just found myself in awe. Um, I had taken developmental site classes, I had studied babies, I loved babies, I I worked with children, I was a teacher, but it your development in learning and growing, it just amazed me. And that was, I mean, that if you ever experience that as a mom someday, even if you don't, you know, you choose a different path and you don't have children, that is fine. Um, but hopefully you feel some of that joy that that just it just that I felt. And probably not all parents feel it, but I did. And I do think there are a lot that do. And it's just your heart is bursting with how proud you are. And I watched you just all I could say is that it was like you were a sponge. You you looked at me with eyes that were knowing, all knowing. You were aware of your surroundings. I knew that this is a this is a bright child who is just taking in her world left and right, and she's not gonna stop until she gets all the information she needs. And the important thing is to keep doing that. And we do that the rest of our lives, but I just want I want you to know that I just found myself in awe of you. And um, you know, I of course did my my nightly books with you and I would read to you, and you know, you had your little uh Good Night Moon book that I used to read to you, and of course, Brown Bear Brown Bear and all those beginner books, but I had Goodnight Moon, which the verse changed, and it was a book that wasn't really repetitive, so but it it did, but it didn't, and you just it was unbelievable how quickly you were able to just learn the words and the language that developed from you, um, and the and the methods in which you you picked up the book on your own, and it I knew I had worked with you, and I know that I had kept that that um going with you, and I felt felt very good about that. But it was just, it was all experimental. It was just so cool because I was experimenting as a mom. I had watched children's minds develop in in classrooms, but I had never ever experienced how early it can start, and how quickly it can happen if given the opportunity and the time to do it. And you just amazed me how quickly you picked up a language and how you just took to books, and I was just so pleased with it. Um, and when you started to say words and you were so articulate at a very young age. Um, so all of that just intrigued me. And I found myself just staring at you with your bottle between your lips and I rocking you and then laying you down, and then I'd leave the room, and then you know, a commercial would come on television, I'd go in and I would just stare at you and watch you sleep. I mean, I'm sure there are lots of moms who do that, but I but I just really want you to know that that's where I was at. That's where I where I felt I was just so content in being such an important part of your life at that moment. And you were very loved, you're very loved. You had an aunt who who just adored you. You know, she wasn't she didn't have her children yet, she wasn't in that motive, but she just, you know, had gifts for you all the time. She just you could tell the way she spoke and the way she came over. It was just she was just so proud of you and and happy and to see you and and listen to me about stories about you, things that you were doing and developing and growing. She learned, I think, a lot from me before, and then that helped her later. I think she had her own children. Um, but I took a lot of pride in that, you know, and you you know, your dad is a different person and we didn't end up together, and and that was a good thing, but that was be we just, you know, things had involved that way, but I don't think, you know, his love for you came in it, it was a a whole different, you know. I mean, it it was there and it was unconditional, and he felt it too in his way, and I could see that he did. Um, but I, you know, for me, it was just this whole other world of just like just immersed in everything you did, everything, growing, developing, everything. Um, now later on, as you know, you you turned into a girl and you became school age and I made, you know, we'd made decisions about where you would go to preschool, and we we decided all of those things. Um, and you were a sweet girl and you and you were very a good girl, and you you listened and you know, I I was blessed. I really didn't have a lot of I didn't have to make a lot of effort with you. You just were very, very good and and and fairly easy. Um, but I have to say, you know, um, and you were flexible and people are just like, wow, you know, she can do this and do that, and they were amazed by you. Your very first babysitter was amazed by the things you could do. Um and, you know, and this isn't just mom speaking, this is really how I've observed you over the years as you've grown. Now, as you've developed and grown, I noticed that characteristics of you and and things that have come out um are human traits. You know, I start to s start to see other aspects of you as a young girl and and how you are taking the world in and how you responded to things. And I could see that you had a little perfectionism in you where you wanted things to be just right, you felt that was your comfort zone, you wanted things to be right, and you admit that today, that that's that's how things are for you. And I I see that you still have that um quality about you, and we talked about how that can be a good thing and that can be a bad thing, but mostly it's been a good thing for you to search you well in your endeavors, and it's made you a successful uh girl, and and it's it's made you noticed by your teachers and um recognized, and I I think that it's been it's been a good thing for you. Um sometimes you were hard on yourself, you know. Gotta learn how to do that cartwheel, gotta learn how to do that, that hula hoop, gotta learn how to do that. And you were so cute trying to learn it. And of course, you know, being your mom, and I had I had to share you for a couple years with with Nicole, who loves you so much, and I am so thankful for that family that had just I felt very pleased with myself that I was able to step outside the box. And I think maybe the teacher in me allowed that to happen. I knew how important it was for you to have those relationships, and I when I knew that they were healthy and good, I stepped back and I allowed you to have them. If I didn't think they were, then they'd have been a whole different story. Um probably not one that I would have would have liked to have remembered or tell, told. I'm so glad it worked out the way it did. We got very lucky. I don't think your dad knew, you know, knew at the time how good that that family was to you and and how it would pan out in the end. But I think that he probably realizes it now. It's just very it was a very good connection, very good thing. I kept like a teacher, I kept that communication going openly with her. We talked, she's younger than me, but we we talked and it it didn't matter. It was women woman to woman. I wanted so much for you that it really didn't matter to me how I got it. If it meant communicating with somebody who who loved you like a mother and and cared that much to spend an hour and a half on the telephone I was willing to do it. You know it it meant that much to me. So over the years I watched you grow and of course you know when Darren and I got married and you were um such a cute little flower girl in my wedding and and walked me down the aisle and I I was so proud to have you next to me. I mean that's really ultimately what I wanted you know I mean that relationship with with you know and that that's something that you know I mean um I just wanted to nurture and grow and Darren was natural with you and had nieces and nephews and he just thought you were adorable and just really just took you very naturally and and for me that felt good. That felt very good because there was no stiffness about it. There was no it was just it just all just flowed and that was also important to me as a mom. So you know over the years I've you know I've just really wanted I just always had this confidence that you were so strong that you could just you could handle things what as they happened and and you could you know a lot of times you know you were part of like the adults around you because you know even before you had your little brother on the scene you know you you kind of were um you just had this I always knew you had this little like older intuition about you like a like an old soul like you just you just had these these thoughts and these um you know right now at your age now I'm watching those kind of like transition like I'm starting to see more for the actual age that you are because that 13 year old age is tricky. It's just a very complex complicated age it's a transitioning time and um but but like I said you know as you developed and things I just was so proud of you and I um I want you to know okay that with all my love and with all my dedication with all of my I mean all of these things just were naturally poured from my heart and instinctively I I was your mom and I wasn't going anywhere. Unfortunately you know we still as humans we bring things to table that we don't always intend to and there were moments as your mom and I'd like to address those moments um without going into detail because I don't think it's necessary or relevant at this point but I I do I do want you to know that my my innate kind of my my I don't even want to I don't want to say primitive but my kind of my behaviors from as a result of things I grew up with and things I were ex I was exposed to as a child and sort of the real anger and I've talked to you about this before the real struggles that I went through at your age now was the worst of it. But I went through a whole period of just resentment and anger and even as a young child anxiousness that was fair you know it was unfair for a child my age to to have gone through what I had to go through because I unfortunately grew up in an alcoholic home and the dynamics of growing up in an alcoholic home are just I mean there's lots of books on the bookshelves about that. And I don't need to go into all of that but I do I want you to know that there are roles that we play in those families. I mean no family is perfect and we all have dysfunctional stuff that goes on. But as your mom there were moments when you saw me in a place where I should not have been in front of you. I should not have exposed you or lashed out or put myself into this all I can describe as childlike behavior because really that's what it does. It just goes right back to my childhood and it's behavior that is like primitive. It comes from me without control. And even though I was there as your mom an adult I still have these you owes to it you may have seen it I may have lashed out and but then I retreated in absolute guilt um because I knew I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. If we could go back and like say our life was like a cookie dough and we could just go back just pluck out the raisins or whatever. I don't like raisins in my cookies but if I could go back and just take them out one by one and do so. Have the weekend left if that's possible I would go back and do that. It's not possible. And unfortunately you know these things happen and and it does affect us and um and I'm I'm a fool I know how it affects because growing up in the home that I did and the behaviors I had witnessed um exposed to I had to then reflect back on those box later on and really look back on my father, on my mother and think in terms of all right, you know, they did the best I could did I do that at 13 no I didn't have the ability because I was still in that inner mode. Later on I did. And it doesn't mean that I look for counseling I still try to figure why maybe I'm touched certain things in my life or why certain things didn't fall into place because I spent like my 20s just you know I had you learn my but I felt like life was just a fall before me and I really didn't have a sense of control. But you having you in my life was like the ground you were the anchor in my life not in an unhealthy but in a way that pended on you was a way that it just it grounded me and me realize this is what our goal is. This is your aim to do this is your focus right now. So it's your focus fortunately there are times when I know that focus would just get cloudy and I would just you know you see me have a temper dam or get angry in a bad way or say thing up or not the most thing to say plug them up go back and take them out. Hope someday I can just um know that your heart as you really will be able to material reflect on me. That's not as a human being and you know put the pieces there and somehow understand it's hard when we're close at age and cyber close we want to be able to be our parents we want to be able to to say that and we understand it. And even as adult times we have trouble tr struggles in because sometimes we feel cheated and um that's a whole other thing I know I talked to you about and I obviously I could talk more about you know how as a girl you know if I look back as an adult I was shit of my relationship with Bob and I think it's important to have a relationship with their fathers a healthy relationship so I'm very grateful that I had I always talk about my grandby my uh mom's dad because he was he was the only male role model in my life that brought good things to the table and he was a stubborn guy but he was he had a deep faith in God. He had values and morals and beyond. I mean he it just you know I mean he raised I I have a lot of admiration for him uh and I I always talk about his life because he went through struggles and um I just develop a respect for that. Um he worked hard he was a hard worker so there was no there was nothing about him that would ever make me think that he didn't try hard enough or whatever. I I think that he used all of the skills he had available to him and he used them to his ultimate optimal best and I and I have nothing but good to say though. And even though I felt cheated by my father I I I you know I I wrote my letter I was in college I went back and on my time when I felt ready I arranged it with him and I sat with him and I let him know. Now he's no longer alive and I can no longer speak to him. But there's no need to I have nothing that was it for me. That that was finished that was business that you know um I more feel feel sad for him. I feel bad that he was also cheated out of a relationship with his two daughters that he could have had later on and he missed out of course on the grandchildren all that you know but you your grandmother's around she's and she's never left and I you know my relationship with my mom I've always told you it's you know I love my mother dearly my mother's always been there for me she's a rock but she's uh you know her and I have had a lot of history of ups and downs and you know all of that and and I think a lot of why my mom you know being in that relationship for as long as she did it doesn't make me hate her in any way I love my mother. I mean my mother again did what she did based on what she had available to her. Do I wish that she made some different choices? Yes. Do I feel cheated by her? Yes yes I do you know but I I want you to know that even though I'm not perfect and I've I've been you know I've had my flaws as a mom I I I I want you to know that my intentions and my intelligence and my understanding of the world I feel is steps maybe even more above what my parents had. So I know I know that I would even if I may not have always I was very capable and very able and and and mentally I was more on the scene I think with you mother to child than you can ever imagine. I hope you get the sense of that someday you know if you watch this video or if you even if you just just know that about me that I am I've always had the most unconditional relationship and love for you and always will and I have so much respect for you and I'm very very proud of you and I so look forward to being a part of so many more events in life that are going to be so important to you and to me. But like I said, you know I mean I'm not going anywhere but the nature of this illness you know I try to keep you posted on my doctor's appointments I try to keep you updated. I just don't have all the answers and there may come a day when I have to face a certain a situation where you know I have to make a decision that is the next phase of my life which is you know and I I don't know when or if or what or what we don't know. I mean none of us know but for right now it's important for me to to let you know that no matter where you are out you know what happens to you and what you know when you graduate when you make all these big transitions in your life I have so much confidence in you you can't even imagine I mean I just know that everything that you do is going to be successful. And even if it's not you will work it out because you've been working things out since you were that little baby in the corner picking up a book and reading the words or remembering the words and then just developing you in your language and just everything just everything that you've done I've watched you do. And I see how you are about it and I just know that I've had confidence in you since you were in me in my womb and I just want you to know that I have I've always had that feeling. I've learned something over the past couple of years in my journey with cancer and my journey in trying to really get in touch with my spiritual inner my soul is that this what you feel here is far more important than what's up here. I mean sometimes our heads can mess with what we really feel here and I I've discovered that and I've seen that I I I'm seeing it a lot um and uh you know that's my take on on on things and I I'm not working right now I got done with work and I and you know what in this time that I'm not working I I really really hope to solidify to really really solidify our relationship and and what better time than 13 years old when you are just you know this is like I said that awkward age I remember gosh my 13 year old you know what I did I was dealing with cancer and I mean I was a whole other place but I but I was struggling my parents I didn't know if they were together separated divorced what was going to happen and I've told you this before my life's topsy turvy I mean I went to three different schools in the sixth grade I you know I I just didn't know and I was kind I was lost I was a kind of a lost child but I've always but something I've learned as an adult that I never lost you know I may have been lost in many ways but I I never really lost is that I I'm strong I'm a strong person inside and um I'm determined and um I can't say that I've always been able to pride myself in that verbally throughout my life but I can say that now I say now and and and you have that you have that in you and and that is going I feel like that it's gonna take you far. I feel like it gets me to places where I need to be when when times are down I sometimes when you know you just think all hope is lost and and I've reached that place. I told you that you know we we we we reached that place and um but my biggest concerns are you and Logan your brothers well being and your happiness and our our um stability and you know we have issues with five family dynamics right now and right now you're not getting along with Darren and I know the whole there's a whole issue there. But I have confidence that that will work through I I know that you're going through a lot right now and this is a a funny age but I'm home and I'm able to really I want to really connect with you. That's my goal is to really no not be up in your face but just be there for you and and to to solidify our relationship because with what I'm going through and you're my daughter and I know you're going through it too. You know I know it's not something you like to talk about and we've tried the counseling route um and I think you're pretty strong with or without counseling but I really I think that it's important for me to just be there. I'm not gonna call up someone come to the house to talk with you and here I am right here. You know it's let's let's talk. Let's let's sit down and talk. Let's I'm here I'm an open ear for you whenever you know I I I may be recovering from radiation or on medication or not feeling my very best, but I'm gonna try my darndest to be able to be in here to you even if I'm just laying there half listening. Please know that I'm listening. It's important to me it's important to me just as much as it was important to me to communicate to you when you were in the womb because I knew that would be beneficial to you later on. It was it's as important to me for me to read books to you at night for me to help nurture your mind and your in your in you and and just really facilitate all those things all of those things I did as a mom to benefit you. Those were just as important as me laying on a couch listening to your stories about school and your friendship situations. I want to hear them I want to hear them and you know if I give advice or if I you know say things to you that you know you might not want to hear um it's okay to let me know that too. Right now I've been a little bit tough on you because I've been demanding a certain degree of respect because respect needs to happen. It just needs to happen I've I got you on your way into life and I have done a fairly good job I feel as a monk to get you to a good place at this point. You know you may not be completely thrilled everything and emotionally I know sometimes you feel a rack and you know you feel like sometimes you can't stand Aaron and you want me to make decisions to but you know what my you know how I feel on that. You know what my take is on that and I I just want you to please hang in please hang in please know that we love and support you. We and I don't speak for anyone else but I do know that the love comes from Dan as well. You just don't even see that. You don't see that you know everybody everybody has you you know when somebody really loves someone I it and you know when they don't and I I would know if that were the case it's not the case at all. It's just that we all have different ways of presenting our love and sharing our love and my approach I'm a different person. We're different people. We're all different people on this earth and that's the biggest thing and I just want you to know that as you go through life please understand and and I'm just trying to teach you in a very trying in a simplistic way even though you're very smart and know you can understand I I want to try to in simple terms explain to you that you are going to run into so many different people and personalities in life and sometimes they bombard you and you just don't even know where they came from and and life doesn't seem worth living sometimes and you're just like what is this but as long as you stay true to yourself and who you are which I have complete confidence that you will be you've always been that way you can't go wrong. You cannot go wrong. So just don't be quick to reject others don't be so quick to shoot people away you know out of anger out of frustration out of and you you will and accidentally we always we make these mistakes and we do but I I want you to to just know that I've I've learned from my experience and I'm not perfect believe me I'm not but I just want you to really get that message that you just have to be know where you stand but really be able to step outside and be able to look at where other people are coming from seeing all different other perspectives and seeing where some might be coming from and trying to take in another point of view is a good healthy thing to do. It's probably the best thing you can do when you're trying to develop relationships it's gonna help you. It's gonna help you to cope. Unfortunately no a lot of these things I didn't learn until later. I mean I didn't I didn't learn these things right off the bat I we uh we all live in like our little bubble and we think we've got things figured out and we think we handle things the way we choose to handle but something new comes up and then we have to deal with that and it's like oh okay so lifelong learners is really what it's about. My grandfather was a lifelong learner some people are some people aren't but I strive to be that lifelong learner. Even after I was diagnosed I I knew that day I wasn't gonna stop learning about what was happening to me, what could happen to me what other things are out there I I wasn't gonna stop. And I know that you're that way and that makes me really pleased that you are you don't give up and you're passionate about the things that you like and are interested in and I'm I'm thrilled with that. Just don't shut out other people's opinions because in the process of you developing your own knowledge and abilities shutting people turning people away isn't really going to help you get your point across to others you in whatever way you want to share it with the world or with other people I you know opening keeping those doors open it's gonna help you with that. This part of the video I just wanted to just address you know where I'm at right now I wanted to talk about your birth my feelings from the moment you were born and moving forward watching you grow from a little girl into a young lady and you know you are not a woman in my eyes yet but you are a young lady who is on her way well on her way to being a very strong woman someday and I'm very proud of you and um in the next time you know in this video I hope to just sort of talk about some things that may happen to you later on that I just want to give you you know talk to you a little bit about my feelings um without trying to be in that moment because I don't I don't want to take away from anything that you might experience individually I just want you to hear from me and uh I love you. I just want you to know that I say it and you might hear it and it means you know mom's words I love you and it just kind of comes and goes but I but I want you to know my love isn't just a love. It's that deep deep unconditional love that means there's nothing attached to it no strengths it's just it is here and it will it could never be broken up or leave nothing nothing could ever happen to it. From the moment you were born I signed a contract with my heart that that Love began and my contract continues.

unknown 44:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:05

Hi honey, it's mom. As you can see, I've changed a little bit up top since last time. Well, first part of this video. And when I look back on it, I'm missing my hair already. But um I know that there are some things that you know you've you're going through right now and seeing my hair gone, but I know you wouldn't admit it, admit to it. I guess for I guess for me it's just kind of a natural thing because I've lost my hair before in my life and I've been on chemotherapy before, and so for me it it it doesn't seem like such a big deal, and I'm more prepared for it this time um than I certainly was at twelve years old, which you know was like I've told you before, it was a very rough time. It's a it's a hard time in your life to begin with, and um um you don't see that now, but you will someday, and you know, to lose your hair and you know, to make sure that you know your friends don't know. I had one close friend that that um knew about I knew about things that she went through and she knew about things that I went through. Um she was the only one that knew that I was wearing a wig. Um and maybe some kids suspected that I was, but I I thought I got away with it pretty well. So as long as psychologically um it helped me quite a bit. Putting this tape together for you, I really just wanted to give you a sense of where where um you know my mind is in in how I've raised you and how I've um, you know, things that I've done over the years, you know, good or bad. Um, and I know someday when you become an adult, you will understand that, you know, we make mistakes, we fall down, we get up and we dust ourselves off, and we move forward as best as we can. Um, and that's all I've ever tried to do. And and there are times in my life when you remind me of me in many ways because I am hard on myself and I've been hard on myself and worried about about what other people think, and it's natural to to feel that way at your age, but then again, it's part of and part of my personality and part of who I am. Um, you know, just some of my insecurities, you know, we call them insecurities, but you know, I I've worried about what people thought and things like that. Um, you know, I'm not super old and I don't have, you know, lots and lots of years and years of wisdom to tell you, but I do have I do have 41 years now that I can say that I, you know, I I know that in my heart those things don't matter as much anymore. And I know that at some point in your life you'll get to that place too, or you just don't it's not that you don't care, it's just that little things like that just don't matter. Um whatever you decide to do in life, as far as whether you get married, have children, I know you you are very opinionated. Sometimes I think it's very funny, you know. I laugh about it inside, and there are other times when I take you seriously, because I know that you're such a planner and you you follow through with a lot of things that you say. But I also know that you're 13 years old and that a lot of the things that you say they may not materialize the way you think it's going to. So just keep that in mind. You know, if you plan to to get married someday, I hope you are absolutely in love with person that you can call your friend, your the person that you can, you know, talk with and go to if you have problems. Um, I know in my heart at this point in time in my life that there are certain things that we do in life and we don't know exactly how it's going to be. But there's one thing I there are some things that I d have learned over the years, and that is these important little things, and you just don't know until you go through it. And you know, you may find yourself in a place where you're not in a place where you want to be, and it but it it's never too late. It never ever too late to change your mind or to change your decision about things. Um the only thing that makes it difficult and that I've learned over the years is that once you have a family, once you have children, and children become a part of your life, it does complicate things a little bit more so that if you make a decision to not either be with the person that you think you is your soulmate for the rest of your life, or you think that, you know, maybe you could have made a better decision at some point along the way, it's a little bit more difficult to just go back and fix. You can't really do that, can't go back and try to change things as easily when you have children because you know, we want certain things in life to be stable and to be um just the same, you know, your children. You don't want, you know, I I don't I I've been very careful about not upsetting your life too much. And, you know, whether it be changing schools, um, you know, there was a time when I really did in my heart, I wanted to move closer to my own sister to be, you know, but I don't want you to feel in any way, shape, or form that, you know, when you if you watch this someday that you think, you know, maybe you could have done that for your mom and and um allowed me to be closer to my doctors and things like that. But I I want you to know that I made this decision because I care about you and I love you and I want you, but it wasn't just about that, it was about not upsetting your life and making it so difficult that you couldn't stand to not only have a mom with cancer, but to have to meet new friends and go to a new school. All of those adjustments I took into consideration, and that's why, you know, we chose to live where we live and we we made these decisions because I really thought carefully about what you the things you had said to me and your little your four-page letter to me, I'll never forget. Um that's just proof of what a planner you are, and when you mean business, you mean business. And I and you do your homework, you do, and I have to give you credit for that. And I hope you always do your homework. I hope you always, you know, research things, look, look, look up things before you make decisions and step into, you know, hot oil and water, so to speak. There've been many times in my life when I've been very impulsive and I've kind of made quick decisions, and it's just part of growing and figuring out, you know, me thinking that life is going to take me to a certain place because I just was convinced that if I do this, well, it'll just happen, you know, I'll uh it'll all work out. Sometimes it had, it did work out for me. Sometimes it didn't. And what I like very much and what I'm so proud of of you is that you do your you look at things before you just make a decision. Um, you know, you might not right now because of your age, but you definitely have that that is part of your personality. And it was when you were a little girl. I mean, you didn't just do things quickly. And I'm really I'm reassured that you're gonna make decisions someday. And then even if they're not the right decisions, they're gonna be ones that um you've done your homework for, you you looked at before you jumped into, so to speak. Um, you know, you say often that you and your your brother are very different, you're very different personalities. I do say that, I say it pretty clearly because it's pretty obvious, and it's obvious to a lot of other people, other than, you know, your mom and your dad. Um, but I have to say that I have told you this many times. There are just there are things about you that I absolutely love. I absolutely love about you. I love that you are who you are in certain ways, just like I love, you know, how your brother is, about his little personality and things. It'll be interesting over the years to see how that grows and develops. Um, just like I have I've gotten to watch you develop in just 13 years, but you know, it hasn't been very long. But I so look forward to, you know, many more years of watching you um grow into in and have your personality and your um just watch you change and mature and you know, maybe um and I'm very uh thrilled and excited to be uh thinking about being a part of those times. And I want you to know I tell you this often, I don't know how often you hear me, but I'm there all the time. I had to go over to Walmart and um get some new tapes, and um Kathy did that with me. And um, I just wanted to sort of um I watched the end of the last tape, and I think I'm pretty not quite sure exactly what I was saying to you at the moment in that moment, but I know that um at this point I just want to see you um I was talking about decisions that you make later in your life and um how much no matter what you make for a decision, no matter what you decide to do, I'm gonna be there to support you 110%. Um and it doesn't mean that I won't be there to give you motherly advice. My mother tries to give me advice today, and sometimes I find myself getting caught up in telling her that I already know, I know, I know, I know. But sometimes there's been many times in my life when I walked away, and when I think about it, her advice hasn't been so bad. It's actually been advice that she'd given to me from hard-earned experience, and you can't really argue with any of that because sometimes our mothers just know best. It might be an overused little saying, but it is just what it is. It's hard to explain sometimes to people how that happens, but it just does. Sometimes I get advice from her that I don't always want to accept, but it is it is it turns out to be good advice, and maybe because she's from the outside looking in on me and has known me since I was born, and you just have to trust that that's how I feel about you. I've known you since you were born, and I know you always say, Well, I'm a different person and you don't know everything little thing. But you know what? I give you credit because I do know quite a bit. I do know a lot more than you think, and when you um give birth to a child and you raise that child, you you you know a lot, tend to know a lot about them. Um do I know every little thought that goes on in your mind? No, I don't. And I'm glad that you have you're able to have, you know, your opinions and your old thoughts that you can keep to yourself and or write down whatever you whatever it is, however you like to to do. I know you and I are different that way. I'm sort of write my thoughts down on paper, and that's kind of how that propelled me into wanting to um you know write a book about my life and things like that. Not everybody likes to do that, not that's not for everybody, not everybody likes to put their feelings on paper, and and you and I are a little different that way. Um, and I hope someday to be able to have that book for you to be able to read and or share with others, or just I hope to have both of these things. I wanted you to be able to see my face and whether I'm here 10 years from now or 20 years from now, or whether I'm not, for you know, God forbid something happens to me with this illness or whatever. I mean, we don't know what could happen to any of us from day to day, moment to moment, but I I know that this making this tape for you is important to me, for you to be able to see my face talking to you. Um even if you've heard many of these words before, um, it's still important for me to be able to say them again and have you hear them again and have this as a keepsake that you could play again and again to listen to whenever you so chose to. Um, you know, I I've said this and I've said this in the early part of the tape that, you know, I'm very, very proud of you. I'm proud of everything that you've done. It just ceases to amaze me what you are capable of doing and what you have shown me that you're able to do. And I so look forward to future years of just watching you be successful and grow. Um, but the most important thing to me at this point, especially where the age that you're at right now, where you're sort of kind of struggling with, you know, am I an adult? No, am I a child? No, you're not. You're not a little kid anymore. And you do have opinions and you want to voice them and you want to have the opportunity to do that. And sometimes you fight me and you fight Darren and you you're fighting the world right now because you feel like your opinions need to be voiced and they're strong. You're a strong-willed girl, and you're a very strong um personality and in your in your beliefs, and those the idea that you are is I'm very proud of. I like the fact that you are a strong girl. But nobody's really going to persuade you to do anything that you don't want to do, really. And that I know for a fact. I've known this about you since you were five years old. I've known this. But I do, I want to go back to, you know, exactly how I felt about you from the moment you were born. I knew that you were a strong person and you that's a very good quality to have. Um, but there are times in during your growing up years when I've noticed that sometimes your strong personality and your strong opinions have kind of gotten in the way of you being able to see all that you can around you. And if I could give you one last message, that would be to really open up your eyes, to really look around, make sure that you're not using your strong opinions to propel you to doing things and making decisions about other people and other things, and being sort of allowing it to create sort of an ignorance and sort of opinions about things that unless you, like I told you this for day one, and I know this, having been through cancer in my life, having been through hardships in my life, even people who have been through it, they can't always speak to this. But I have to say this is very important to me as a mom saying to you, unless you walk in somebody else's shoes, do not claim to know how they feel or what they're going through or what they should do or what they should have done. Because everybody makes their decisions based on in the moment, what they are feeling, and they make it based on what is best for them. And not everybody makes good decisions, and I haven't, I've told you this throughout the tape. I've not made the most perfect decisions in my life that I could have made for myself. But and you're not going to. I want you to know that no matter what you decide to do, I will support you. It doesn't mean I'm not going to give you my opinion as a mom on what I think you could do, but I would never ever push that on you in a strong way and lead you to feel so differently than what you feel already about yourself. I want you to try. I I really would like to see you make a decision and I will either support you or I will share my opinion, but it's going to be in a really, really neutral way. If I don't, you're allowed to remind me of that as you get older. I will give you permission for that. But please be gentle and please be respectful when you do. Um I I wish looking back that I had been a little more respectful and a little more gentle on my mother and some of her opinions on things. Because I know she meant well in the end, but I didn't always take it the way. It's hard for us to know that when we're growing up, but I know in time you will learn it because you're a smart girl and you've I've watched you evolve and mature and learn things over time that you didn't get when you were seven years old. You get now at 13. So my last message to you is I absolutely love you with all of my heart, unconditionally. There are no strings attached. This it is just a love that will never ever decrease or diminish no matter what happens, no matter what. You could say very hurtful things to me, and I'm gonna tell you they hurt me, but it doesn't mean I would ever stop loving you as a person and as my daughter. And I am feel very, very lucky to have you as a daughter, and I feel very, very blessed to be able to see you achieve things that you want to achieve, and you go after things, and you talk to me about things, and I just know in my heart that you're gonna be successful no matter what you decide to do. And if you fail, if you feel in your heart that you failed, just know that you can get back up again, brush yourself off, and start again. You don't, it is not the end of the world. It is not, it is never too late to sometimes we can't undo things that have happened, but it is never too late to change and fix things. I mean, I've met older people along the way, people in groups, 10, 20 years older than me, that are just discovering things about their lives, making changes, and become extremely happy in a way that they've never been before. And I know and when you see this happening, you know that life is just a series of learning events and it it continues, it's never ending. And you know, what you learn today doesn't mean you're not going to change your mind later on and evolve and think differently about things. So just keep that in mind and keep an open mind, please. I love you very much, and I'm very proud of you. And I guess that's really the bottom line. That's pretty much all I have to say at this point. I hope you enjoy watching this video tape. Sometimes you might get a little bored with it, especially if there are things like I said you've heard before. But I hope someday it become it's beneficial to you, and I hope that you can watch it and and think, get a good sense of who your mom is.