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The PDA Parenting Podcast
A podcast for parents raising PDA autistic kids and teens. Real talk, personal stories, and practical tools to move from chaos to connection - hosted by parent coach Amy Kotha.
The PDA Parenting Podcast
Life with a PDA Sibling: A Raw Conversation with Devi
What is it really like to grow up with a sibling who has PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) autism? In this powerful episode, I sit down with my daughter Devika -an autistic, ADHD teen herself - to talk about her personal experience as the sister of a PDA child. Devi shares openly about the emotional ups and downs, how family dynamics were affected, and what helped her feel seen in a home where one child needed constant support.
This heartfelt conversation touches on the invisible sibling role, neurodivergent family dynamics, and the unique challenges of being both a support system and a child navigating her own needs. If you’re a parent wondering how to support your neurotypical or neurodivergent child alongside a PDA sibling, this episode is a must-listen!
• Growing up with a sister who struggled with leaving the house for school created early confusion and stress
• Feeling the need to stay quiet and not express needs because they "weren't as important" as her sister's
• Taking on the "mascot" role in the family – using humor and distraction to cope with difficult situations
• Finding school to be a crucial escape from home life struggles
• The importance of discovering "safe people" outside the family who see you as an individual
• Learning that PDA outbursts aren't personal: "They take it out on you because they know you're somebody who will never leave them"
• How sibling relationships can evolve positively over time with understanding and communication
• Advice for siblings currently living through difficult family dynamics with PDA
Download the free guide "Invisible Roles in PDA Families" through amykcoach.com to explore the roles your children might be taking on and find ways to better support all family members.
Welcome to the PDA Parenting Podcast. This show will be dedicated to supporting parents raising kids with PDA autism. I'm your host, amy Kotha, a parent coach and a mom to a PDA-er myself. This podcast is here to provide you with practical insights, real-life experiences and expert guidance to help you better understand your child and to parent from a place of connection, empathy and understanding. Whether you're new to PDA or you're already familiar with the journey, you're in the right place. Welcome to the PDA Parenting Podcast.
Speaker 1:Today's episode is a very important one because today we're talking about something that often lives in the background of PDA family life, and that is the experience of the sibling. In my last podcast episode I talked about this in more detail and if you missed that, you might want to go back and check that out. So if you're the parent of a struggling child, you know that when one child's nervous system is constantly in distress, it can shape the emotional climate of the entire household, and if there are siblings in the mix, those siblings adapt and often in quiet, invisible ways, they end up taking on roles in the family system that they obviously didn't choose, but rather morphed into due to the stress that they're carrying Some stressors, you know they might not even consciously interpret as stressors, but their stress response systems are constantly reacting to this. So this topic really is a big one for parents, and understandably so. I know this very, very well because I have two children myself and I've spent literally years worrying about their sibling relationship, worrying about the dynamic, worrying about how I have parented them, and I have spent so much time trying to deal with the dynamics between a PDA autistic child and her sibling and how I can protect the sibling and avoid long-term ramifications when the PDA-er is struggling. So if you're going through this, I completely understand and I think that this is going to be an important podcast for you to listen to. So it's been a lot.
Speaker 1:If you're going through this, I completely understand and I think that this is going to be an important podcast for you to listen to. So it's been a lot. If you're the parent of more than one child, keep listening. So this is why today I have invited a very special person to help me open up this conversation. I am joined today by my 17-year-old daughter, davika. So Davi has grown up alongside her sister, maya, who is PDA autistic, and Davi herself is neurodivergent but does not have the PDA profile. So together we've lived through the intensity, the chaos, the growth and the grief that can come with raising and being raised inside a PDA family.
Speaker 1:In this episode we're going to talk about what it's really been like for Davey and get honest reflections, maybe talk about what helped, what hurt and just what it's been like If you're parenting multiple kids, especially neurodivergent kids. I hope that this conversation helps you to feel less alone and maybe even gives you some tools to help your whole family to feel more seen and to keep moving forward. And if this topic resonates, be sure to grab my free guide Invisible Roles in PDA Families. It's a companion resource that helps you to explore the roles that your children might be taking on, often without even realizing it, and you can download this guide right now through my website at amykcoachcom. So let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Thanks so much for being here today, davica. I am so glad that you were interested in having this conversation with me because it is really so important, and I know when you were younger and things were more chaotic in our household, especially when we had absolutely no idea what was going on, I would have like paid any amount of money. I would have given anything to hear from someone who had your experience, so let's just dive in Welcome.
Speaker 2:Hi, I'm Devi. I'm really excited You're willing to talk with me for the podcast. This is a chance to help other families understand what it's like growing up with a PDA sibling.
Speaker 1:Okay, so Devika, tell me just let parents out there know, like maybe how old you are, where you're at in school right now.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm 17. I'm going into my senior year of high school, which is crazy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can't even believe it Ridiculous. And your sister, Maya, who is my pediatric child. She just graduated herself from the same high school and is getting ready to go to college in just a couple of months here. So very exciting times for everyone in the family.
Speaker 1:All right, davey. So let's see, you know you lived in a house with a. We're just going to dive right in. By the way, you lived in a house with a PDA sibling for 16 years. I mean, I know you're 17, but you were adopted from Calcutta, india. Both of my daughters were and didn't come home with us until you were 14 months, so we missed a little sliver of your life there. But for 16 years you've been here. You've been with your sister. She's older than you, so you know. I'm just wondering, looking back, you know what are your first, some of your earliest memories of Maya and maybe of Maya needing a little bit of different support?
Speaker 2:I remember, um, she did have a bit of a hard time going to school when we were really little and it was a little more hard for her, harder for her to get ready than it was for me yeah, yeah, I remember that a lot of PDA kids have trouble going to school, right.
Speaker 1:So that must have been. It must have been tough for you because you still had to get up and go, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did that feel like?
Speaker 2:it felt confusing to me because I just didn't understand why, like it was hard for her and I, it was hard that I, it was hard to like just see her struggle, you know.
Speaker 1:What are, I don't know. Can you remember back when you were really little and some of your memories with Maya good, maya good, bad, whatever any memories, what are some of your earliest memories?
Speaker 2:I remember we had this swing outside on like the patio kind of, and like there was a grill there and we had the swing and we'd always sit there while dad was making food and stuff oh right, it was like a built-in like gazebo type thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had in the backyard. Yeah, yeah, were those good memories? Yeah, yeah, do you think you were? You were probably pretty little then. Yeah, yeah, because I know we have one of your favorite things to do right is watch old videos. Yeah, I love doing that. Yeah, and some of those like really happy times that we got on video from back then, yeah, those are really fun. So do you what might be like your earliest memories of when things might have started becoming a little difficult with Maya? I know you mentioned that it was hard seeing her struggle to go to school. When you had to go to school, when do you think that you started realizing that she definitely needed more support than you did?
Speaker 2:some that she definitely needed more support than you did. I think I started realizing that when, in the mornings it was, we would get ready, but then it was hard to get out the door. I was okay with that, but it was hard for her to get out the door and I started to realize that, oh, this isn't just a I don't want to go to school thing, it's like I can't do it. You know, like there's something there that's really really hard and like stopping her from doing it yeah, and did that affect your mornings as well?
Speaker 2:yes, it did, because I was scared of her yelling.
Speaker 1:I was scared of her yelling and it was a lot of a lot of noise for me and you know, you just get scared at loud noises and stuff and that's what's hard. None of us knew what was going on for a long time because she didn't get diagnosed until she was in her teens with autism and then with PDA. So, uh, there was a lot of confusing and I think, a lot of, I think all of us were a little scared, for sure so yeah, um were there times when you felt maybe like you had to stay quiet or calm or not show your feelings.
Speaker 2:Yes, a lot of times where I felt like my needs weren't as important as hers, so I couldn't voice my own needs because they weren't as big as her needs and I felt like I had to be quiet a lot or just not share my needs. And that was hard. I just kept it in and it was hard to say yeah that's really hard.
Speaker 1:I feel that for sure. Do you think you were protecting Maya, or protecting me, or dad or you? Where do you think that came from?
Speaker 2:A little bit of each, I felt like I was protecting me and you because I felt like I didn't want to put too much on you and I also didn't want to be seen as like oh, you're making this about you, it's about you like yeah, it sounds like you felt really overshadowed.
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, I think that happens a lot with the siblings. It's super hard, that's a lot of stress going on and you were little, you know Nobody's really equipped for that, but especially a little kid. Do you remember there was a time when Maya was in an inpatient program? She was having a really hard time and I think maybe she might have been around maybe nine or ten and the we used to go and visit her and I bet that was hard too. How did that feel for?
Speaker 2:you. It was hard. Being like not being able to see my own sister all the time, like having to go on certain times was really weird and something I had to.
Speaker 1:It was really confusing do you remember the time she was in the program and this was when we were in Colorado and, um, they did a the therapist did like an experiential therapy.
Speaker 1:It was a teaching hospital and they were so interested in Maya's case right, so she had not been diagnosed autistic or PDA, and PDA, like it still is emerging, like a lot of health professionals don't know about it, but this was maybe like almost 10 years ago and so it was even less known and they thought she would be a great case study. They wanted to study her and try to figure out what was going on because she wasn't falling into any of their typical patterns and they were super nice and they really wanted to help and they had us do this, what they called like an experiential therapy, where we went into that big room and it was a teaching hospital so there were people like lined up around the room sitting on chairs See, if you remember this, you were pretty young and they had us sculpt ourselves. It was called escape family sculpting. We had to put ourselves into like statues, or help sculpt each other, into showing what a typical, what our typical relationship is like at home, like a typical scenario. Do you remember that?
Speaker 2:Yes, I do remember that, yeah.
Speaker 1:So first we had to sculpt the current situation, and then the people around the room the volunteers, the observers talked about what they saw, and then they asked us to re-sculpt into what we would like our relationship to look like. Do you remember that? Yes, yeah, what did what? Do you think about that?
Speaker 2:it was really interesting because I never. That was the first time I'd seen it like how it is versus how you want it to be like. That was the first time I'd seen it like how it is versus how you want it to be Like. That was the first time I was introduced to that, you know.
Speaker 1:Right, I thought it was so interesting too. I thought it was. It was super, super powerful. Did you get that too? Yes, do you remember what came like, what came to light for you, because I remember a few things that I kind of figured out through that. Do you remember? So, if we talk about, um family roles that was to refresh your memory. It was like some kids kind of fall into like the helper role, where they feel like they have to help out all the time and do do everything to help the family. Um should not rock the boat.
Speaker 1:And then some roles kids fall into are, like you know, the quiet one um there's the way, the scapegoat yeah, that's kind of the one who acts out, it's kind of the identified problem, which I think that was probably. That's usually the PDA or in this kind of situation, right. And then there's the mascot, which is someone who is like funny and entertaining and trying to divert everyone's attention. There's the lost child who fades into the background because they're just not seen. And then there's the, the hero, which is a person who kind of saves the day or thinks that they need to. Where do you think you? Do you remember where, where you landed at that time, like how it was affecting you?
Speaker 2:I think I was the mask, or no, um what mascot then? I remember I would always in hard times.
Speaker 1:I would always try and just distract from everything and just think about like other stuff, just find random things to distract with yeah, do you remember you would get really, really silly, yeah, yeah, you get super silly and like flip around and get loud and it was like maybe taking the trying to get the attention onto you instead of Maya. Yeah, and then I think over time because remember you had a therapist and that was when we lived in Montana who helped you with that.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Because I think you used to try to do that when you were with her as well in therapy. What do you wish people understood about how much energy it takes to live in a house like ours was back then?
Speaker 2:People wouldn't understand how much energy it takes. It's a lot, it's draining for everyone because everyone is in a role and that's hard and you just get used to being in that role and that's hard and then like when you're out of the house and stuff, people don't understand that and it's hard having to just show that, show the world only like half of who you are.
Speaker 1:That's really powerful. Dave Devi, so I know as a kid especially right, you're spending half your life at school. Yeah, so school's a massive, massive part of your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then you had this home, which was sometimes really chaotic, sometimes scary, sometimes not, so it was very unpredictable scary, sometimes not, so it was very unpredictable. And I know it was difficult too, because your dad also struggled with his own struggles as well and this was extremely hard on him. So there was, it felt like, maybe even a little more difficulty going on difficulty going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how did that affect? Did that affect you at school? Yes, it did, because it's like when you're at school you're like it's an escape from your own life. It's like just you can not have that role at school, but then you leave school and you have to be in that role again and that's hard. Carrying that role is really hard and school is helpful because it's a break from carrying that were you able to find help at school Sometimes?
Speaker 1:Yes, right, I remember, because you were also dealing with your own neurodivergency, right, so you had your own hard. You know things at school were probably not always super easy for you, am I right? Yeah, yeah. And then there was kind of this layer on top of stress, just basic stress, you know from things being hard. I remember you went to, when you went to the, there was a private school you went to in Colorado, the Christian school. Yes, yeah, you really liked that, right, yeah, that was really helpful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what was helpful about that, do you think?
Speaker 2:I had friends there and, like everyone there, had so much energy which helped me a lot, and religion was kind of one of your special interests too at the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so maybe that was helpful too, because you got to add that into your day. You think, yeah, so maybe that was helpful too, because you got to add that into your day. You think, yeah, and your teacher was amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she was really helpful. She was really nice understanding.
Speaker 1:She helped me a lot, except for the fact that she kept giving you strep throat. Oh, yeah, I got that. You guys went back and forth having giving each other strep until she finally got her tonsils removed that year. Yeah, that was ridiculous, huh, so that was that was really helpful. And then you went to um Havern School, remember, yes, and in Colorado, and and how was that for you? Did you find somebody there as well?
Speaker 2:so I went there for like a few years and the first it was hard because when I first started going there I couldn't find anyone and it took a while. But I in my second year I had to take a whole set, two school years to find someone and that was hard. And the first year I felt really alone and that was really hard and I felt unseen, unheard, not understood, dismissed.
Speaker 1:Wow what made you feel all those things, do you think? Was it a teacher? Was it just everything?
Speaker 2:I think just everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that coincided as well with your sister having maybe the hardest time of her life, yeah, yeah, and you really carried that with you like I don't. I think during that time you couldn't shake it. And then didn't you also have the issue with, uh, because Maya went to that school when she could make it to school, which wasn't much, um, but she had a friend there, jules, remember you know, earlier I said school was like an escape with him.
Speaker 2:I know he was just trying to be nice, but he just kept asking me about Maya and it was hard for me because I just wanted to escape that. But being having someone constantly reminding you of that stress is hard, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't think I understood that back then. Um, I'm not sure how you were if you were able to really talk about that back then. I get it now, though, and I'm really sorry that that happened. I wish we would have understood it a little better. We might have, I don't know, I might have been able to help you out a little bit more with that. Did you have, uh, teachers that understood not the? A little bit more with that. Did you have teachers that understood? Not the first?
Speaker 2:year, but the second year I think you did. Yeah, I had Miss Codel, yeah, she was amazing. Yeah, she knew Maya too, so like she understood me for me and I finally had found someone who saw me for me for not just. Oh, you're Maya's sister. Oh, you're Maya's sibling. Oh, maya went to the school. This is her younger sister. No, she understood me. You're Devi. You're you. You have your own life.
Speaker 1:You're not just Maya well, yeah, that's, that's so meaningful, devi. I mean, I know, like, even like in neurotypical families or whatever, like, growing up in my family, people saw my sister go through school before me because we went to this small private school and everybody knew everybody and I thought that was annoying. But this is like a whole other level, because not only are people seeing you and then thinking about her and then bringing it up to you, but this is a place where you're trying to go to escape. Yeah, how difficult. Did you have anything else in your life that helped you at that time to escape?
Speaker 2:At the school.
Speaker 1:I really started getting into drawing and stuff and that helped me escape too.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's good. Yeah, that must have. Was that when your interest in art started up, because you still love art? Yeah, yeah, that's really awesome. Well, that's really awesome. Well, that's that's really good. Yeah, sometimes, when we're in a very hard situation like that, um, it really points us into a direction where, uh, we figure out, you know how to care for ourselves, especially if we feel like no one else is there to do it for us, which is really sad. Yeah, that makes me really sad for you, but I am glad that you found ways to cope with it that are have turned into big strengths for you in your life. Do you think there are other strengths that you've achieved, like things, um, that maybe have changed you by having a sis you know sister who struggled so much because there's lots of negatives, for sure Like with Miss Goodell.
Speaker 2:I saw her as a safe person, someone who I can talk to about anything, who I can just talk to, who will listen and who'll stay, who won't be like wanting to change the subject, who won't care what you have to say, will listen and be there and help. She was my first safe person. Throughout my life I've found lots of different people who have helped with that and taken that role for me as a safe person when, in times that your family can't be there.
Speaker 1:So it sounds like you're able to identify people that are safe for you and know how to, maybe how to look for them or how to connect with them. It is that's definitely a strength, davey, because when I was younger I never had that and I could have used it sometimes too. I mean, my growing up wasn't, you know, the same at all, but I was a very anxious kid and it would have been very helpful to have been able to be vulnerable. I think that's what I'm trying to say. It's a vulnerability, like do you think you sound to me much more emotionally mature than a lot of kids your age? Like you have this ability to be vulnerable and open up. What do you think?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think so too. Yeah, when you think of the other kids at your high school kids, you hang around with other other kids I won't name any names but do you feel like maybe, when it comes to that piece, maybe you're kind of on a different level? Yeah, so what has helped you in high school? I know that you have found some help and I think that it's important to talk about, because as a parent, I had no idea that these things existed for high schoolers. I went to a really small high school and they didn't exist when I was a kid. But you go to like a huge high school. How many kids are in your school? I have no idea. Like 5,000, davey, it's like a small college campus, right? Yeah, it's crazy. You're so spoiled. You get like coffee shops in there. Sushi Fridays good food bagels every day.
Speaker 1:So okay, so you're in this huge high school which we had worried a little bit about, that maybe you'd get lost and that you know it would be harder than a small school, but what?
Speaker 2:do you? What do you think has been helpful about your school environment that has helped get you through some of these hard times as well. What's so helpful about my school is that it's a big school. People are coming from everywhere, like all over, different differentities, different race, different, like all different backgrounds and, like in this school, there's got to be at least a whole group of people that you can find that you click with, because, yeah, there's so many kids that, like you won't be alone, you'll find someone. Why don't you?
Speaker 1:tell me a little bit about, uh, the group that you found that has been super, super helpful to you through the last couple of years. Yeah, my stress group and you have to be interviewed to be in it, right, and they make sure that everyone is everyone who is in it that you're like.
Speaker 2:It's a good group with um, that you fit and that you have like enough to talk about and is that what is helpful?
Speaker 1:is it? What do you like about it?
Speaker 2:I like the people who run the group. They're really understanding and nice and a lot of these people in this group have been through like they understand. You feel they've been through the same thing, but not exactly, but it's the same thing, but like, not exactly, but like they've been through that situation Really.
Speaker 1:Wow, did you feel like maybe you were the only person in the world until you met them?
Speaker 2:Yes, I did, because I felt like no one would understand the stress that I've had to live with, that I've had to live with and the challenges I've had to deal with and overcome. And this group helped me a lot. It made me feel seen that's amazing.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad. Yeah, that's so hard, davey, as a parent who hates to see their child feeling like you were feeling. You know, not being seen, not having anyone to talk to, having to keep all of that inside, because when it's inside it just grows, it doesn't go away, does it? No, it's not no. And I think that's a good thing to let other parents know right, like if they're, if they have you know more than one kiddo that the siblings need to get it out, right, yeah.
Speaker 1:So what do you think other parents, including me maybe, could do to help siblings like you to feel more supported or feel more safe? And let's say, first of all, let's talk about not me, let's talk about parents who have kids, maybe, who were like your age when Maya was struggling at her worst, you know, when you were like eight years old and I think it was very hard for you back then because we were parenting Maya really in the best way that we knew how, but it wasn't the right way for a PDA or we were doing. You know, our mental health teams were trying to help us. They were telling us to do things that were like a hundred 180 degrees from what you should do to help a PDA or to help calm their nervous systems? Uh, it was treated behaviorally, which made things harder for her and escalated her Right, so she would get upset.
Speaker 1:And then we would push back on her and then she would get more upset. We would push harder and you know that's what people kept telling me to do. You're not being consistent and push harder Like, oh my God, that's not the right way, but I had to try it because I felt, like you know, I had to. So if you think back to those times, was there anything that helped you to feel safe? Do you remember how we used to make safety plans?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Were those helpful at all.
Speaker 2:Yes, they were helpful. They were helpful to keep us safe, but they weren't helpful for us to. I know we were just kids then but, like you know, we're worried about our parents getting hurt and the pediatric getting hurt, hurting themselves, hurting someone else and like, yes, you're away from that, but just but also not seeing it helps but also hurts, because you just don't know what's going on, but also you want to know what's going on, but also you want to know what's going on, but you also don't that just I feel that, Devi, I remember how Maya would be in a big struggle and our safety plan would be that you would leave and go to your room and close the door right and put on headphones and and do something sensory to help yourself, you know, feel better and kind of detach from the situation, and but you you didn't want to do that and that makes sense.
Speaker 1:So it sounds like you were in a push pull right. You would stand there and you would refuse to leave the room and I would be so worried about you standing there. So we've talked a lot about hard things. It's been a lot of a lot of hard things. Pdaers also have a lot of strengths, right, your sister has a lot of strengths as well as challenges, things like creativity, and she can be really like funny and silly sometimes, I think yeah what I don't know.
Speaker 1:Can you, can you give me an example of maybe something that you guys have done together? That's one of your favorite things, like maybe a favorite memory of something you did together or something that she did for you?
Speaker 2:she would always make pictures and drawings for me because she knew I liked art and that would always make me really happy.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's really nice and I remember you guys playing things like um, and we tried to travel when we could, and you guys have some crazy game of pillows or something where you beat the crap out of each other with.
Speaker 2:Oh, wasn't there one with like the hotel bath mat or something? Oh my gosh, like the bath mat. There was a game I don't like, I don't know. We took the hotel bath mat and like it was like a home base or something like I don't know.
Speaker 1:I know there was something called pillow, though, right, I remember you guys screaming pillow yeah yeah yeah, you guys. You guys had some very silly times and you still have very silly times. What do you think right now, like what's your relationship like with maya now? She's almost 20, you're almost 18, which I really refuse to accept, but uh. So can you tell me how your relationship is these days?
Speaker 2:it's, it's good it's. We don't really have those hard times anymore. So like we spend time together, we go out and like do activities together, we get food together, we watch videos together, sometimes Share funny videos and stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it seems like you guys have a pretty, a pretty decent relationship now and one thing that I think is interesting over watching you over the past several years is that you seem to have grown in being able to stand on your own when you um, when you talk to her, when you relate to her like if she's struggling. There was a time right when we were really young and it was scary and you just ran away and then you were, you tried to diffuse the situations and then you kind of became the lost child. But now over the last couple of years, it seems like you are really, you know yourself and you know how to help her sometimes, because there's been times where you're like I got this right, you've told me. Do you remember? Like, um, when we were back in Montana, sometimes you'd be like I got this mom and you talk to her and you guys would have these conversations and you would help her. You don't remember? No, it's okay if you don't, but you did, you did. That was a big transitional time for you. I remember that.
Speaker 1:And then we moved here, which we live outside of Chicago now, and yes, we've moved a lot, which sure isn't super helpful, but actually probably is, because I think each time we've moved actually probably is because I think each time we've moved it's given more resources to you guys. But now if she hurts you, whether she means to or not just you know PDA-ers have such an ingrained need for you know they see threat if they don't have autonomy and equality, et cetera. So if she says something that hurts your feelings, you know how to handle it. Now, like you don't just let her right, you don't just walk away. And what do you do in order to? Like that would be a relationship rupture. That's what we call that a rupture. How do you move on from that? Can you explain, like, the kind of things that you do, or even things that you're thinking about?
Speaker 2:it's also that, like now, I understand more. So like that's, what's really helping is that I understand more stuff now, because I didn't really understand much when I was little and I have learned for different tone of voices.
Speaker 1:Like, tone of voice is a huge thing yeah, because sometimes I think you can tell that she's becoming dysregulated before even I can.
Speaker 2:It's like a spidey sense yeah, like sometimes, if you suddenly get upset, I can hear the change in her voice like oh, I need help, oh, I need help. Like I can just hear that change and sometimes I can just tell and and then you usually can alert me, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes you'll tell me you'll be like hey, mom, I think she's getting upset. Or maybe you just look at me, because I think over the years we've become very in tune to body language and we can just kind of look at each other right. Not just tone of voice, but we kind of look at each other. Right, not just tone of voice, but we can just look at each other and we can know yeah yeah, what would you say to a sibling?
Speaker 1:actually, like if there were siblings of pdaers who were watching this right now to see somebody who's lived what they're living right now and they're in the hard part and you're kind of over that hump and in a different season.
Speaker 2:Now they take it out on you because they know you're somebody who will never leave them. No, it's not your fault. No, what they're saying is just their own fear. They don't mean it.
Speaker 1:That's extremely, extremely insightful. Thank you for bringing that up, because we hadn't touched on that at all, but I think that's really, really hard when you're living it right and you're scared and you feel alone like if they say, oh, you're ugly, you're so annoying.
Speaker 2:No, that's how they feel on the inside. Yeah, they, they're calling you what they feel see themselves as exactly that's a very good point to make.
Speaker 1:And then I think it's important to let you know these siblings know, these kids know that their voice is important and their needs are important don't be scared to speak up if you need something to say it, but just know the right time to.
Speaker 1:Right, and sometimes finding other people outside of your family. I mean, you know, always talk to your parents because they are there for you too, even when you, even when you feel like they're not. You know like I was thinking about you and worrying about you and trying to figure out how to help you constantly, all the time, even when I was helping her, and but you know, sometimes, just to be real, things are hard, especially, you know, some kids have a single parent and then that makes it even harder. But I think what you spoke about today, talking about um, how it's possible to find people at school or maybe aunts and uncles, have you found other people?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you. Actually that's part of what you do when you or you. What you started doing when you started getting concerned is you would call people, right, you would call your aunts and uncles and they would help you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because nobody no kid needs to grow up feeling scared and feeling alone. We don't ever no parent wants that for their child for sure. Thanks, Devi, it was a great conversation. Thank you so much for being open and talking about something that I know is hard and the memories are hard and sometimes they're triggering and it's it's difficult, but I think this was a very important conversation that I think is going to be helpful to a lot of people.
Speaker 1:I hope parents, if you are raising more than one child and one of them has PDA autism, I hope this episode was in some way helpful to you. Siblings carry so much that we don't often see, but there are ways that we can show up for them. There always are ways that we can show up for them and when there are ruptures, when there are difficult times, there can always be repairs. Be sure to download the free guide on my website, that is amykcoachcom. It includes some questions and tools to help you reflect on your own unique family system, and you might find more help there as well. So until next time, thank you so much for being here and for walking this road with me, and for all the love and work that you are putting into parenting differently. Thank you so much for being here and for walking this road with me, and for all the love and work that you are putting into parenting differently. Thank you.