Your Cruelty is Their Business Model S2 E4

In this episode, I confront the cruel comments often directed at romance scam survivors — calling them stupid, desperate, or deserving of what happened. These reactions aren’t harmless opinions. They actively protect scammers.

When the criminal is visible, we aim our outrage at them.
 When the criminal is invisible, that anger gets redirected toward the victim.

Through real public comments, historical fraud cases, cult leaders, and modern scam operations, this episode exposes a hard truth: intelligence, wealth, education, faith, and “common sense” do not protect people from manipulation. Grooming, coercive control, and emotional exploitation bypass our internal alarm systems — not our intelligence.

Victim-blaming keeps survivors silent, prevents reporting, and allows these crimes to continue in the dark. Empathy isn’t weakness — it’s how scams are exposed.

If you’ve ever thought, “That could never happen to me,” this episode is for you.

Because cruelty isn’t just collateral damage — it’s the business model.

Transcript

@kathrynj.hernandez8245 - Writes - scammers have better luck with middle-age women who are grossly overweight. Women can save loads of $$ by installing a full length mirror

Syndee Painter:  The women who do this are incredibly lonely and have literally zero self confidence.  And terribly gullible.

@summerofkittylove - I don’t believe it’s because they’re caring—they’re selfish and spend it on a deluded fantasy instead of on their family, grandchildren, rescue shelters, people in need.

@CSB62-Cannot believe how many actually let themselves get scammed, Where’s peoples common sense!

Natasha H Freeman:  I often find that there’s a hint of narcissism coming from people who fall for these scams.  Not saying she is, but I think a narcissist is easily swindled by grandiose fantasies offered by the romance scammer.

In 2023 alone, Americans lost over $1.3 billion just to romance scams—more than any other type of fraud. But less than 15% of victims ever report it. 

Why?

Because of comments like these. These are real comments. Left by people on videos where survivors are trying to warn others."

To the people who left those comments—and anyone reading this who's ever thought something similar—I want you to know something.

The person you just called 'grossly overweight with zero self-confidence'? That could be your mother or grandmother. Your sister. Your best friend. Your daughter. Or — you, five years from now when life looks different and you're more vulnerable than you ever thought possible.

Now let me ask you something.

If I had been caught up in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme and lost $850,000 —  would you think the same thing? Would I be "grossly overweight with zero self-confidence"? Would I be "selfish and deluded or a narssist"?

Or would you call me a victim of financial fraud?

Same amount lost. Same devastation. What's the difference?

I'll tell you what the difference is: You can see Bernie Madoff's face. You learned how his ponzi scheme worked. You can't see Pedro's face and you don’t know his method of manipulation.

And when there's no visible villain, people's fear and anger go somewhere else, so it lands on the only person they CAN see — the victim who dared to speak up

Today I'm going to show you why victim-blaming doesn't just hurt survivors — it actively protects scammers. And why the instinct to say "that could never happen to me" is exactly what makes you vulnerable.

These types of comments follow every scam story, once someone reveals their trauma and just tries to warn others..

They’re harsh, and they’re wrong — but they reveal something important about how we think about the scams, the victims, and most of all… ourselves.

But the truth is — blaming victims doesn’t stop these scams.
All it really does is protect the scammers.

How, you ask?

Because when victims are shamed, they retreat into self-imposed silence.
And when victims go quiet, it allows scammers to keep operating in the dark — using the exact same lies on target after target.

Every time someone says, “They were desperate, gullible, or naïve,” it warns the next victim to stay quiet unless they want to be publicly shamed too.  

And that silence? That’s the scammer’s next payday.

This episode shows you why even the smartest people can be manipulated — and why our knee-jerk instinct to blame victims is exactly what keeps these crimes thriving.

So… what kind of person falls for a scam?

If you picture someone gullible, lonely, or foolish — you’re not alone.
 That’s the story we like to tell ourselves.

What if I told you that billionaires, bankers, doctors, and lawyers — some of the “smartest” people in the room — have been conned just as easily as anyone else?

In every case, we recognize manipulation when “the villain” has been identified.

But when the scammer is invisible — when it’s a fake profile or an AI face on the phone — why do we aim our outrage at the only target we can see: the victim?

This episode is about why we blame the victim when we can’t see the villain — and why that’s not only wrong, it’s dangerous.

In 1960 he founded  Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities. — Former 3 time NASDAQ chairman. A pioneer in electronic trading. A trusted advisor to regulators and philanthropies.

And behind that spotless reputation? The largest Ponzi scheme in history.
Over decades, he stole an estimated $68 billion — not from naïve amateurs, but from banks, charities, universities, and even seasoned financial professionals.

 He stole from:

• Elie (Viezel) Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor and Nobel Prize winner who lost his entire foundation
• Celebrities like: Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick
• Steven Spielberg
• Owner of The New York Mets

Alerted by Madoff's sons, federal authorities arrested Bernie in December, 2008. By March, 2009, he pleaded guilty to 11 federal crimes and admitted to operating the Ponzi scheme. That same year he was sentenced to 150 years in prison, the maximum sentence allowed.  The Madoff victim fund has paid out over 4.3 billion. He died in prison in 2021.

So what does the Bernie Madoff story teach us?

Financial sophistication doesn't protect you from manipulation.

His victims weren't amateurs. These were people with wealth managers, accountants, legal teams—every resource you'd think would keep you safe. And yet, they lost everything.

If billionaires with financial advisors can be conned, why do we assume a romance scam victim 'should have known better'?"

Let’s look at Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell — Exceedingly wealthy predators and master manipulators.

• Epstein built influence as a financier with a shadowy rise, cultivating relationships with billionaires, politicians, and royalty.
  
  
• Maxwell, the daughter of media tycoon Robert Maxwell, became his closest partner — recruiting and grooming young girls under the guise of opportunity and wealth.
  
  
• For at least a decade, they lured underage victims and groomed them with promises of education, modeling, or career connections, then trapped them in a web of abuse and blackmail.
  
  
• Epstein was arrested in 2019 on federal sex trafficking charges and died in jail.
  
  
• Maxwell was convicted in 2021 for sex trafficking and related crimes, sentenced to 20 years in prison.
  
  
• Together, they weaponized trust and authority 

Here's what Epstein and Maxwell prove:

Knowing people with wealth and power doesn't protect you from predators.

These girls came from all backgrounds—some wealthy, some working class. The manipulation worked because Epstein and Maxwell understood how to exploit trust, how to use authority, and how to isolate victims from anyone who might intervene.

The survivors weren't stupid. They were targeted by professionals who made exploitation their full-time job.

Next, for 23 years, starting in 1955, a man who presented himself as a Christian minister and faith healer,  manipulated hundreds of followers with promises of jobs, homes, and a just, united world. People joined believing they were part of something good — even allowing him to “think for them” because they trusted his vision.

 That man was —Jim Jones, founder, Peoples Temple

He exclaimed: “I represent divine principle, total equality, a society where people own all things in common, where there’s no rich or poor, where there are no races. Wherever there are people struggling for justice and righteousness, there I am.”

In the beginning, it worked.  As Jennifer French brought out in episode 3, people don’t join cults, they join a good thing.

But by 1978, his ever increasing control and abuse, led more than 900 intelligent, capable adults — including 153 men, 452 women and 302 children — to die in the largest mass murder-suicide in history. 

Jones didn’t target fools; he exploited trust, used fear, love, and isolation to push people to the unthinkable. What began as a utopian dream ended in a jungle tragedy, driven by one man’s delusion and greed for power.

His followers included nurses, teachers, activists—people who genuinely wanted to build a better world. They were manipulated not because they were weak, but because Jones exploited their strengths: their hope, their compassion, their desire for justice.

Those same qualities—empathy, hope, trust—are exactly what romance scammers weaponize."

Intelligence and idealism doesn’t protect you from coercive control.

Warren Jeffs — Prophet of the FLDS church and master manipulator 

Son of longtime FLDS leader Rulon Jeffs, Warren was groomed for power early, serving as principal of the sect's private school to control and indoctrinate youth.

When his father died in 2002, Warren declared himself prophet, claiming divine authority and consolidating absolute control.

He assigned marriages, expelled dissenters, stockpiled church wealth, and arranged dozens of unions between underage girls and older men—even taking child brides himself.

Placed on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list in 2006 for child sexual assault, captured later that year, and convicted in 2007.

In 2011, sentenced to life plus 20 years.

But here's what makes this case so chilling: Jeffs STILL controls the FLDS from prison.

Despite being incarcerated in Texas, he continues to issue orders, direct marriages, excommunicate members, and maintain absolute authority over thousands of followers. Prison officials have stated there's nothing they can do to stop him—when family members visit, he gives instructions that they carry back to the community.

His followers believe he's innocent, imprisoned to atone for their sins. They pray daily for his release.

Jeffs manipulated entire families, controlling marriages, money, and every aspect of their lives—and even from behind bars, that control continues.

Faith and community don't protect you from manipulation—they can become the weapons used against you.

Romance scammers do the same thing. They don't just create a fake relationship—they create an entire belief system around it. A future. A dream. A new identity for you. And they use your own hopes and values to keep you invested."

In all these cases, it is easy to identify the villains.  Their pictures have been plastered all over the news and social media.  It’s easy to point to them and know that they broke the law and needed to be punished

Each one of these criminals manipulated others to gain advantages for themselves.

Here’s what I find so interesting. 

Why don’t we look at Madoff’s and Epstein’s victims as people who should have known better?  

Why do the Jones and Jeff’s victims receive empathy?  Is it because we have physical concrete evidence of the leaders of these deceptions?  We know who to focus our anger towards?

Why is it that when victims of romance scams speak out, there’s mainly ridicule and humiliation and all sorts of indignation that they should have known better.

Why is that?  What is happening?  What is the difference? 

Here’s the thread running through all these cases:

Manipulation bypasses intelligence.

I know I keep reiterating that it’s not about IQ, or education, or common sense. It’s about trust, emotion, and fear — all human traits that scammers know how to manipulate.

The Invisible Criminal 

Now let’s bring it closer to what we’re talking about today: the romance scams.

These scams don’t happen overnight. Scammers don’t just strike up conversation, then ask for money and take off with it in a matter of days.  They groom and manipulate their victims for months before the abuse begins. 

As I keep trying to hammer home,  scammers mirror the victim’s values, they build deep emotional trust, then isolates them slowly. It’s emotional grooming — the same psychological tools Epstein, Jeffs, and Jones used — just with a different end game.

But there’s one big difference.
With Madoff, Epstein, Jeffs, and Jones — we saw their faces. We had a villain to point at. Outrage had a target.

Romance scammers? They’re hidden behind fake profiles, burner phones and online apps like WhatsApp or Telegram.. They’re operating out of foreign compounds or moving money through networks you’ll never see.

The FBI estimates that 90% of romance scammers operate from West Africa or Southeast Asia. They work in shifts. They use scripts. They're part of organized crime networks. 

But all you see is the profile photo of 'Pedro'—a stolen image of a real person who may or may not know their face is being used to steal millions.  They may learn about it later, but can’t stop it from happening because big tech continues to enable these scammers.

When there’s no visible bad guy, people’s anger has to go somewhere. And it lands on whoever’s visible — the victim who dared to speak up.

So why — when someone gets caught in a romance scam — do we suddenly throw all that understanding out the window?

 Why do we treat these victims like fools, like they deserved it, like they were “asking for it”?

Right now, in compounds across Myanmar, Cambodia, and Laos, tens of thousands of people are being trafficked, and forced to run online scams and are tortured if they do not perform. 

Many were trafficked after seeing job ads promising legitimate work. When the media shows us those images, nobody blames those workers. We blame the people at the top—the ones running the operation. 

We instantly recognize the workers are being abused.

So why can't we see the people on the other end of these scam operations —the ones being emotionally groomed and drained of their savings—with the same clarity? 

Both are victims of the same criminal machine. The only difference is which side of the screen they're on.

So why does the public lash out at romance scam victims instead of the criminals?

Because there is psychological comfort.
 If I say “that victim was just desperate, lonely, stupid, or narcissistic,” I get to believe it could never happen to me. Victim-blaming is a shield. It feels safer than admitting anyone can be manipulated.

Because of Media framing.
With Madoff or Epstein, the cameras were on the perpetrator. In romance scams, the cameras point at the victim — because most scammers are faceless. All we see is the tearful interview and the lost money, so our brains twist the story: “The victim must be the cause.”

Because of Social bias.
We expect victims to be perfect to deserve compassion. The minute someone looks flawed — maybe they were online dating, maybe they were lonely — we decide they brought it on themselves.

The truth is that scammers target humanity, not stupidity. They look for empathy, for trust, for hope. Those aren’t weaknesses — those are human strengths. And that’s what makes this crime so cruel.

“If it can happen to the most financially savvy people on earth, don’t kid yourself that it can’t happen to you.”

• Financial sophistication doesn't protect you
• Wealth and power doesn’t protect you
• Intelligence and idealism don't protect you
• Faith and community don't protect you

Let’s also consider how victim-blaming serves scammers operationally:

• Keeps law enforcement data incomplete
• Prevents pattern recognition across victims
• Stops platform accountability, that is to say: if it's "not reported," platforms claim it's not their problem
• Protects the infrastructure  of wire services, crypto exchanges, etc.

Here's My Call to You: Let’s change the Narrative

When you mock the victim, you’re doing the scammer’s job for them. You’re keeping people quiet, too ashamed to speak out — which allows these crimes to keep spreading in the dark.

And if you think you’re immune, ask yourself:

• Have you ever trusted the wrong person?
  
  
• Believed a lie because you wanted it to be true?
  
  
• Gotten taken advantage of in business, in love, or by a friend?
  
  

That’s all it takes. These scammers are professionals. They don’t need you to be dumb — they just need you to be human.

We don’t shame Jim Jones’ followers.

We don’t laugh at Bernie Madoff’s victims.

We see Warren Jeffs as an evil manipulator

We don’t blame Epstein’s survivors (or shouldn’t).

So is it fair that we ridicule people who fall for romance scams?

Every time we call them stupid or naïve, we’re doing the scammer’s job for them. We silence the newer victims, the crime goes unreported, and we make sure it continues to happens over and over and over.

Pause

Manipulation and brainjacking bypasses our internal alarm systems, not our intelligence. It’s not about IQ, education, or “common sense.” It’s about trust, love, fear, and hope — human traits every single one of us has.

The question isn’t “how could they fall for it?”
The real question is: how do you stop pretending it couldn’t happen to you?

At the start of this episode, I told you that blaming victims doesn’t stop scams and here’s the point: 

Victim-blaming is a kind of re-victimization. It doesn’t protect anyone. All it does is shame people who might otherwise warn others — and that silence is exactly what scammers want.

So the next time you see a romance scam story and feel that urge to comment, to judge, to distance yourself—remember this: Your cruelty is their business model. Every time you shame a victim, you give scammers another year of silence to work with.

You’ll start hearing this more — that there's a scam out there for everyone. It may not be a romance scam. It might be investment fraud, tech support scam, fake charities, or something that hasn't even been invented yet. But make no mistake—you will be targeted.

The question is: when it happens, will you have the courage to speak up? Or will you remember the comments you're leaving today and stay silent?  Because I promise you—the scammers are counting on your silence."

If you're a survivor of a romance scam and need support, resources are available on the FTC's romance scam reporting page. You're not alone, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Next time, I’ll be talking to Martina Dove, PHD and author of the book “The Psychology of Fraud, Persuasion, and Scam Techniques.  I hope you’ll join me for this truly interesting discussion. 

This is The Romance Scam Rebellion. Thanks for listening.