Seven Deadly Signs You're in a Romance Scam (Or About to Be)

What if the person you’re falling for… was never real?

In this urgent, reality-check episode, Anola walks listeners through the seven most common psychological and behavioral signs of a romance scam — the same playbook used on her and millions of others worldwide.

This isn’t theory. It’s a diagnostic test.

From unsolicited messages and tragic backstories… to sudden work deployments, financial probing, and love declarations that come too fast — each “sign” exposes how trust is engineered, intimacy is accelerated, and victims are methodically prepared for financial extraction.

If you answer “yes” to even three of these signs, you may already be inside the scam.

This episode doesn’t just raise awareness — it provides an emergency exit plan.

Because the most dangerous scams don’t begin with a request for money…

They begin with a request for trust.

Transcript

Most of us grew up watching movies where robbery involved the physical presence of the thief and the use of force.

Guns pointed at the victims heads. Threats. Someone tied to a chair, terrified they might not make it out alive.

Or sometimes the quieter version — a house emptied while the owners were away,

the damage only discovered after the fact.

Those images trained us to believe that theft looks a certain way.

But even theft evolves.

Today, the most effective robber doesn’t need to use violence or plan a break in.

In the age of social media, constant connectivity, and now AI — theft begins long before anything is taken.

Trust gets re-engineered.

 Reality is slowly distorted.

If that sounds familiar — think “alternative facts,”

but aimed at one person instead of the public.

Emotional defenses are lowered — intentionally.

And when the loss finally occurs,

It's because the groundwork has already been laid.

NOT because someone gave permission.

(pause)

And THAT’s what we’re talking about today.

I’m going to provide you with some early diagnostic tools for you to evaluate your current, former or past online relationship. 

So, stop what you're doing. I need you to think about someone right now.

Maybe it's someone you're talking to on a dating app. Maybe it's someone who slid into your DMs. Maybe it's someone on LinkedIn who seemed... you know — interesting.

I'm going to ask you seven questions. And if you answer 'yes' to even three of them, you need to understand something:

You're not in a potential relationship. You're in a scam. And it's happening right now.

This episode isn't theory. It's a test. And by the end, you'll know exactly where you stand.

SIGN 1: THE STRANGER

"Question 1: Did this person contact YOU first—someone you'd never met, never messaged, never interacted with before?"

[Pause]"If the answer is yes, keep listening. If the answer is no—if you reached out to them first—I still want you to keep listening, because the next questions matter even more."

YOUR STORY:

For me, I got contacted by my scammer on LinkedIn. “Pedro” messaged me and wanted to connect. Attractive profile. Looked professional. And I thought, 'Well, it's LinkedIn, it's not like it's a dating site. This must be legitimate networking.'

That was mistake number one. Because here's what I didn't know then..."

THE SCIENCE/PATTERN:

Scammers hunt for prey.  Actually, LinkedIn is a great hunting ground for scammers because they can find men and women with good paying jobs and may look for those they think — has a high probability of good retirement plans.  So they’ll target. And they cast a wide net—hundreds of messages a day, looking for someone who responds.

If a stranger initiates contact, you're not special. You're a lead.

WHAT TO DO:

"Here's your first action: Think critically.  Ask yourself, 'Why me? Why would this person in [another state/country] reach out to me specifically?'

If you can't answer that question with a logical reason, you're already in danger." There was no reason for me to connect with Pedro.  He was an “oil rig supervisor” of some sort and I work in the travel industry.  But I did, simply because he had a nice face.

SIGN 2: THE BACKSTORY

QUESTION:

"Question 2: Let’s say you engage in conversation with this person.  Did they tell you they're widowed, divorced, or recently lost someone they loved? Do they have a child who lives somewhere else?"

YOUR STORY:

"Pedro told me he was originally from Spain. He lost both his parents in a car accident when he was 14 and so he was raised by his aunt.  He moved to San Diego 20 years ago and lost his wife to cancer 5 years earlier.   He had a young son at boarding school in Texas. He told me all this to lower my defenses, and it worked.  I assumed he was reaching out because he now wanted a chance at rebuilding his personal life.  I didn't realize I was listening to a script. The same script he's likely used on dozens of other women."

HERE’S THE PATTERN:

"The widower story serves two purposes: It makes them sympathetic, and it explains why they're 'looking for love' outside normal channels. They're not creepy—they're grieving. They're not desperate—they're healing.

And you want to be the person who helps them heal."

WHAT TO DO:

"If someone shares a tragic backstory within the first few conversations, that's not intimacy. That's manipulation. Real people don't trauma-dump on strangers." You have no obligation to engage or try to make this person feel better.

SIGN 3: MOVING OFF PLATFORM

QUESTION:

"Question 3: Did they ask you to move the conversation to WhatsApp, Google Chat, Telegram, or text messages within the first week?"

YOUR STORY:

"For me, I actually offered to move to phone texting. I didn’t like the thought of constantly being on LinkedIn and wanted to make it easier for us to talk. I didn't realize I was doing exactly what he wanted me to do.

Once we were off LinkedIn, there was no oversight. No monitoring. No safety features. Just him and me."

THE PATTERN:

"Dating apps and social platforms have fraud detection. They monitor for scam language. They can ban accounts. Scammers know this.

Scammers prefer text messaging because it allows for frequent contact , it can accelerate perceived intimacy and creates an illusion of relationship longevity.

WHAT TO DO:

"If someone pushes to move off the platform—or if you feel the urge to suggest it yourself—stop. Ask yourself: 'Why can't we just talk here?'

If the answer is anything other than 'we can,' you're being maneuvered."

"Okay, stop. We're three questions in.

If you've answered 'yes' to all three, I need you to hear this: You are being set up to be scammed. Not 'probably.' Not 'maybe.' You are.

I know what you're thinking: 'But he's different. But she's real. But we've talked for weeks.'

I thought the same thing. And I was wrong.

The next four questions are going to get harder. Because by now, if you're in this deep, your brain chemistry has already begun to change. You're going to want to defend this person. You're going to want to make excuses.

That urge? That's not love. That's the scam working.

Let's keep going."

SIGN 4 (Educated/Moral):

"Question 4:  Have they asked you if you’re religious?  Have they told you that they are, and go to church every Sunday?  Do they talk about their values, did they tell you about where they went to college?

All these attributes are designed to make themselves seem trustworthy, moral and altogether a good person.

Morality and education aren’t shared to connect with you — they’re used to lower your skepticism.

My Story

One of the first things my scammer said to me as we were introducing ourselves to each other is, he told me he was a practicing catholic, went to church every Sunday, then asked if I was religious. 

I told him I was not, wondering if this would be a problem for him.  He immediately said he didn’t care that I wasn’t and that he wasn’t worried that I did not share his same views.

I even remember one time during the scam where he said he was assigned to pray for widows and did I know anyone that he could pray for.  I needed to provide him with their whole name.  

I thought this sounded like something my former religion would do and thought that was a lovely gesture.

I didn't realize what he was actually doing until months later, when I was sifting back through some of our texts.

He wasn't looking for prayer requests.

He was using me to scout his next targets!

How insidious. How evil this seemingly innocent gesture turned out to be.

He turned my compassion into his contact list.

Pattern:

Claiming to be religious does more than signal to you that they have good moral character.  

It is a trust accelerator and short circuits your threat detection.

When scammers tell you they’re religious, it’s not about faith.

It’s about increasing trust, but without verification — and your doubt becoming more of a moral failure instead of a safety skill.

What to do:

Feeling comforted by faith doesn’t mean you’re naïve. It means you’re wired for connection.

That takes shame off the table — and shame is what keeps people stuck.

If shared faith makes you feel safe, pause — not because faith is dangerous, but because that type of comfort can outrun evidence.

You’re allowed to believe and verify.

Discernment isn’t doubt. It’s protection.

SIGN 5 (Career Explains Distance):

"Question 5: This is an important one.  Are they military? Oil rig worker? International contractor? Doctor overseas? 

Any job that explains why they have to travel and can't meet you, or maybe a job that requires strict security so this is the reason they cannot talk to you over the phone or on a video call?

Distance isn’t accidental. It’s operational. (Pause)

My Story:

During my first scam, “Pedro” had supposedly been contacting different oil rig companies for work.  Of course, a few days before we were to meet up in person, he told me he got hired by the Abu Dhabi National Oil Company for a 30 day maintenance and repair job.  

He even sent me what was supposed to be the offer document and a letter from the employment director.  I was shocked to see that on the offer, he was being offered 6 million US dollars for this job that was only supposed to last a month or 6 weeks.  It’s laughable now, but at the time I was really confused about why he would be paid so much money for that amount of work.

Pattern: Manufactured Absence

This is a classic, repeatable maneuver, and once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It’s not random, and it’s not just “being busy.” It’s a control move with a very specific psychological purpose.

The scammer does not disappear early.

They wait — they wait until:

• daily contact with the target is established
  
  
  
• emotional disclosures make you feel close
  
  
  
• routines are formed (good morning / good night)
  
  
  
• They wait until you feel chosen
  
  
  

Only after attachment forms do they introduce distance.

This timing matters.

Before leaving, they flood you with reassurance: They jump directly to:

I’ll miss you so much

“I wish I didn’t have to go”

“I’ll message when I can”

This locks in emotional credit.

You’re now holding promises, not presence. And that absence creates the problem that justifies the ask

Next: Comes, The Setup for Extraction

Soon comes:

frozen account
equipment fee
emergency expense

And because:

• they were working
  
  
  
• they were doing this for you
  
  
  

Helping feels justified.

Your brain fills gaps with idealized versions of them.

They become more real in absence, not less.

When someone suddenly has to leave for work right as intimacy deepens, that’s not bad timing. That’s the play.

What To Do:

Ask yourself, and this is crucial.

Do an internal check:

“Does this absence increase transparency — or reduce it?

Healthy work obligations still allow:

• video calls
  
  
  
• predictable check-ins
  
  
  
• verifiable details
  
  
  

Scam obligations do not.

And the external rule:

“No major emotional or financial decisions during absence.”

If they need you most when they’re least available — stop. — Just stop!

SIGN 6 (Financial Independence):

"Question 6: Have they indicated in some way to let you know they are financially well off?  Do they tell you their income so you will also reveal yours?  Have they asked you about how much you have in retirement accounts?

Pedro did this with me.  He told me that he makes between 400,000-500,000 thousand per year, which sounds like a ton of money to me.  He then asked me how much I made, if I have retirement and do I have a home or rent.

I remember thinking that I’ve never had a conversation like this one and don’t believe it’s typical conversation, especially so early on when getting to know someone, but I pushed it aside and likened it to cultural differences.

When I felt uncomfortable and told him about it, he came back at me to say I didn’t trust him.  He applied guilt, saying that he was doing this for “our” future and if we don’t start planning for the future, then what are we doing?

The Pattern:

Money talk isn’t intimacy. It’s reconnaissance. (Pause)

Mirroring to Extract Disclosure

Once they share their numbers, the pressure flips.

You feel compelled to:

• reciprocate
  
  
  
• be honest
  
  
  
• not seem secretive
  
  
  
• not break the tone of openness
  
  
  

This is the trap.

They are not bonding.
 They are mapping your financial terrain.

They are determining:

How much can be taken — and how fast.

This dictates the type of scam they will run next:

• crypto investment
  
  
  
• emergency transfer
  
  
  
• business opportunity
  
  
  
• long-game extraction — Romance Scam Opportunity

What To Do:

If someone brings up money before they’ve earned real trust, they’re not building a relationship — they’re assessing risk and reward.

Ask yourself — Would I ask this question of a stranger I actually wanted to date?

If the answer is no — the scammer is doing reconnaissance.

This next item is critical for you to be aware of.  If you don’t pay attention here, you’re toast!

SIGN 7 (Love Bombing):

"Question 7: Have they told you they love you—before you've ever met in person?"

If you answered yes to question 7—if they've declared love without meeting you—you are in the most dangerous phase of this scam. You're toast if you don’t reject this. And those love bombs? They're the sweet butter being spread all over you because their words “sound” so nice, especially to someone who has not had attention in some time.

Here's what you need to understand: Everything before this was a setup. Everything that comes after this is extraction.

Love bombing isn't romance. It's a neurological attack.

When someone floods you with attention, compliments, and declarations of love, your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin—the same chemicals released during drug addiction. These chemicals override your logical thinking. They create powerful emotional bonds with someone who doesn't exist.

And once your emotions are compromised, separating you from your money becomes easy.

This is not about being weak or gullible. This is neuroscience. Your brain is responding exactly as it was designed to. Scammers have just learned how to exploit that response.

So if you're at question 7, and you're making excuses for this person, and you're thinking, 'But this is different'—I need you to understand:

That feeling? That certainty that it's real? That's brainjacking. That's the scam working.

Okay. So what do you do?

If you're already talking to someone who fits this pattern, here's your emergency exit plan.

Everything I’m about to say is about taking control back from someone who never deserved it in the first place.

1. This is how you verify reality.

Require video call within one week.  Ask them to hold up 3 fingers, turn around, show their room, etc

Actually you should have already had at least one video call with them if you’re at this point.  If they declined this for any reason, this is a hard stop.  

This is how you interrupt manipulation

Be skeptical. Get on your computer and do a reverse image search or google their name.  Use Google Images orTinEye. Are there different aliases that come up?

Save and document everything.  This is important later on.

3. This is how you stop the financial bleeding

If you've already given them money.  STOP!  Do not send any more of your hard earned cash to them.  They should have other sources of money if they are who they say they are. 

Successful business people have more than one resource for money.  If they say their bank account is frozen, don't believe it.  They are creating urgency where there is none.

Reach out to a trusted friend or family member.  Tell someone who will be honest with you, not someone who will just be supportive. You need someone who will help you see clearly.

💡 THE CLOSING 

"If you listened to this episode and realized you're being scammed, I know what you're feeling right now.

Devastating shame. Embarrassment. Denial. Anger—at them, at yourself.

Here's what I want you to know: This is not your fault. You encountered a professional manipulator using strategies designed to brainjack normal human emotional responses.

Falling for these tactics doesn't mean you're foolish. It means you're human.

But now you know. And knowing means you have a choice.

You can walk away. You can save yourself. You can refuse to send another dollar, another minute, another piece of your heart to someone who was never real.

The scam only works if you stay. So leave. Block them. Report them. And talk to someone you trust.

You are not alone. And recovery is possible.

I'm still in the fight myself. I'm still digging out of the financial hole they left me in. But I'm here. I'm talking. I'm trying to help others see what I didn’t.

That's the recovery I can give you right now—not a complete happy ending, but a fighting chance.

Please remember to like and subscribe, and I'll see you in the next episode."