Spiritual Dating

Beyond the Drama: What His Words Tell You About His Emotional Availability

• Joe Amoia • Episode 11

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Ever heard a man say "I don't do drama" and wondered what he really means? This seemingly simple phrase carries profound implications for your dating life that most women completely miss. Today, I'm pulling back the curtain on this common expression to reveal how it can either be your biggest warning sign or a positive indicator of relationship potential.

The truth is, there are two completely different ways a single man will use this  phrase. When coming from an emotionally unavailable man, "I don't do drama" translates to "I don't want to deal with your emotions or put in any emotional work." These men view normal human feelings as inconvenient obstacles to their good time. But when an emotionally mature man uses these same words, he's communicating something entirely different – that he welcomes a partner with normal human fears and insecurities but seeks someone whose unresolved emotional issues won't become an obstacle to having a happy and healthy relationship.

I share my personal story of using this phrase when dating my wife, explaining how it wasn't about expecting perfection, but rather communicating my desire for a divinely-aligned partnership where both people have done enough inner work to maintain a healthy connection. The key distinction is whether a man believes your emotions are "drama" to be avoided or natural aspects of humanity to be understood and navigated together.

The most powerful takeaway from this episode is a simple question that you can ask which will quickly reveal if he's emotionally available or not.

This one discernment tool could save you months or even years of investing in someone incapable of the relationship your heart truly desires. Remember, God wants you to have that beautiful, lasting love – the kind where you're still holding hands decades later. But finding it requires recognizing the truth of who someone is, rather than projecting your hopes onto them.

Speaker 1:

Would you like to know what a man really means when he says I don't do drama. Well, if so, pay close attention, because in this episode you're going to understand exactly what a guy means when he uses that phrase. Stay tuned, welcome to the Spiritual Dating Podcast, where spirituality, psychology and successful dating strategies come together to help you turn the love you desire into a reality. I'm your host, joe Amoya, your spiritual dating and relationship coach. If you're a spiritually grounded woman who has almost everything you want except a great guy to share your life with, you're in the right place except a great guy to share your life with you're in the right place. If you're done settling, tired of the dating merry-go-round, and ready to attract a high-quality, emotionally available man who will love you the way God created you to be loved, this podcast is for you. I'm here to show you how to date smarter, love deeper and create the kind of relationship your heart desires and truly deserves. Hello, beautiful souls, welcome back to another episode of the Spiritual Dating Podcast. You know I was seeking guidance today on what this episode should be and just to give you a little insight now, at the stage of my life when I'm creating content, when I'm creating videos. I simply seek guidance from the divine and whatever you want to call it God, holy Spirit, universe, divine intelligence, the divine source and I'm like, okay, what is it that you want me to talk about today? And what I received was drama. And like you would think that, like God wants me to talk about drama, and so I kind of you know, I always want to make sure, because, you know, we have an ego and sometimes our ego gets in the way and it causes us to question and doubt. Right, you know what I'm talking about. So I'm like all right, do you want me to talk about what a man says when he says I don't do drama? And it was like, yes, I'm like, okay, good, I got it Right. So this is coming straight from the big guy, because he wants you to understand some of the things that men say. Or do you know we talk about in spiritual dating, the three pillars? Well, one is managing your emotions, right, and understanding psychology, what a man says, right, but it's also having strategies, strategies to screen men. So today we're going to kind of combine the two, right?

Speaker 1:

And I understand for some individuals that word drama may be triggering. I totally get it and it's not my intention and I know it's not God's intention to trigger you, but if it is triggering you, I want you to kind of look at it and see why it's triggering you, because very often what probably happens is somewhere along the line. Some guy said that to you, or maybe a guy came along and just ended the relationship or stopped pursuing you because he said you know, this is too much drama, I can't handle this, I don't want to deal with this. He said you know, this is too much drama, I can't handle this, I don't want to deal with this. So if that happened to you, I'm sorry, but what we're going to do today is really understand the two ways this phrase can be used, because, in all full transparency, when I was first dating my wife I don't remember what state it was, I don't think it was the first, but it may have been early on and I said these exactly where I said look, I don't think it was the first, but it may have been early on. And I said these exactly where I said look, I don't do drama right. So I don't want you to think it's always a negative thing, and I'm going to help you understand the context that I was using it for, because, in using it in the right context, it could be a great clue to what kind of relationship partner is and where a man is on his journey. But used in the wrong context, it could be very detrimental. It could be a big red flag. It could be telling you a guy is not the emotionally available, emotionally healthy relationship partner that will allow you to experience the relationship, the marriage, the partnership that God desires for you, which is ultimately the relationship that you desire in your heart.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so the first thing we need to understand is that this phrase can be used in one of two ways. So the first one is when a guy says look, I don't do drama. What he's really saying is I don't do this emotional stuff Right now. If a guy is using it in that context, that's a big red flag. Right, you want to see that? Like, remember the cartoon the Roadrunner? Right, beep, beep, cloud of dust, you're out of like. If a guy uses it that way and I'm you're out of like. If a guy uses it in that way and I'm gonna help you to decipher if he is using it in that way, then you need to see this guy is not worth my, not me, worth investing my time or energy. Okay, because if your goal is to have a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship, that is easy. Okay, because if your goal is to have a happy, healthy, long lasting relationship, that is easy, that is fun, that is divine.

Speaker 1:

Trying to build a relationship with someone who is saying this is like trying to build a house on quicksand it might look good in the beginning, but ultimately it's going to crumble and it's not going to be what you desire, okay. So it's really important to understand Now the context of this, when, when a man uses it in this phrase, like I don't do emotions, he's basically saying look, it's all about me, right? I don't want to understand you, I don't want to spend time trying to figure you out. I don't want to try and spend time, you know, handling your emotions and dealing with you and your feelings and your thoughts. Like I just want to have fun and do what works for me. Like it's a very, very egocentric and selfish approach to dating. Now, if you want to hang out and you want to have fun with those kinds of guys, that's cool. Remember, we all have free will. But if your goal is to have a long, lasting, happy and healthy and fulfilling relationship that stands the test of time. It's really important that you understand that those guys are not the type of guys to have those kinds of relationships with.

Speaker 1:

Now, I believe everyone is a divine creation, so inherently, everyone is a good person, but because of this journey and the things we experience, we create parts of our personality that cause us to think, speak and act a certain way, and if a person isn't doing their work, to look at their stuff, to work on their stuff, to make the changes, then they're going to continue to be who they are, and so that's why, at this point, I'm sharing this with you, so you can see and go. Okay, I think this is a red flag and so I need to go further, I need to move on. I need to let go of this, right? So that's the first thing I want you to understand. Now, the second way and this is the context and how I used it with my wife, right? So when we were first dating now I'll give you the context you know I had just called off an engagement several months more.

Speaker 1:

There was a lot of and I'll explain drama in that relationship, and I was at that point. I don't want a relationship like that again, right, I don't want a relationship where I'm trying so hard to make the relationship work and then the other person, because of their emotional stuff that they're not looking at, that they're not dealing with, that they're not healing, now spreads into our relationship and becomes like a cancer, and so it's like. You know, I don't want that, right. So that was the context I was using it with. So what I was thinking and what I was feeling at that time is look, I don't have any problem with you having emotions, having feelings, right, having insecurities, because we've all got them.

Speaker 1:

There's this thing that like and I understand we tend to see the perception of people that they want us to see, right, it's kind of like Facebook Everybody's putting not everybody, but a lot of people are putting these wonderful pictures of all their celebrations and all the amazing things that happen, but you don't see the other stuff going on in their life. You don't see their insecurities, their fears, their financial struggles, the struggles with their weight, whatever it may be, their, their family issue, like. You don't see a lot of that. Most people don't show you that, right, because it's like hey, if I showed you that you're going to think something bad of me, so I'm just going to show you the good stuff. So I believe we all have these insecurities while we're in this meat suit, and so I had my insecurities when I first met my wife.

Speaker 1:

I wore a hairpiece. I started now. I met my wife when I was in my early to mid thirties. I started losing my hair in my late teens, like like around 19. And it was very traumatic for me, right, I was very insecure. Now this is back in the day where you know the big hair day. You know I came from New Jersey and if you grew up in, you know the mid to late eighties, like that those were your teen and college in. You know the mid to late 80s like those were your teen and college years. You know. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You know the hair that was teased with the hairspray. You know, if you remember the old Bon Jovi videos and the hair metal bands of that day, you know what I'm talking about. So I started losing my hair in the height of that era, right. So it was like really, really traumatic for me because, because at that point a lot of my identity was tied into my physical appearance and having a full set of hair and so losing it at that point was very upsetting, very traumatic. It led to a lot of insecurities, which is why I went to get a hair piece. Um, and so also I got a hair piece because I was insecure about my looks, about my hair.

Speaker 1:

So I'm sharing that because, to be upfront, honest and transparent, like we all have insecurities and so it's OK, that's part of our humanness, right is to say, hey, I struggle with this, I'm insecure with that. The thing we want to understand is that when those insecurities don't stop you from being a healthy relationship partner, right. So, for instance, with my hair and wearing a hairpiece, it didn't stop me from putting myself out there, from showing who I was, from loving a woman to the best of my ability. It didn't stop any of that. I didn't hold back because of my insecurities. It didn't change my behavior at all, other than I was self-conscious, I was insecure about it, and that was one of the things. When I met my wife Now, I was one of those individuals who was like you had to really look close to see that I wore a hairpiece because I had family members that wore them.

Speaker 1:

If you ever see family members that wore them, it looks like they take a dead animal off the side of the road and they put it on their head and it's like why are you doing that? It actually makes you look foolish, and so I didn't want to be one of those individuals. I wanted to make sure that you really had to look closely or you wouldn't notice at all. So when I was first dating Natalie, she was like she wasn't sure, she didn't know. Now she had dated someone previously who did wear a hairpiece, so she was looking, she kind of had an idea, but ultimately it wasn't an issue for her and that was one of the many reasons that I loved her, because for some women, being with a partner who didn't have a full head of hair was important to them, and I don't judge them for that. That's their truth, that's okay. I just wasn't the right person for them and they weren't the right person for me.

Speaker 1:

So you know, circle back around, having insecurities is okay, and so in the context that I was using it, I was like you can have insecurities using it. I was like you can have insecurities. You know, when I was first dating Natalie, we we went to a family function and she had a little too much to drink and she knows this story and she has no problem with me sharing it and she kind of had a little meltdown and like her insecurities came out because at that point, like I've always been into personal growth and development and trying to make myself better and really working at working on myself, and at that point in her journey she really hadn't. You know, she went to school, she got a master's and she was just being the best, but she had some insecurities. So one of her insecurities is look at you, you're here and you're this and you have your practice and you have your house, like all this stuff. Now she had that little meltdown. I didn't run away, I didn't go oh well, bug it, you're doing drama, I'm out of here. Because she was human. I had a soft spot in my heart for her because I saw that that wasn't something that was becoming an obstacle, it was just a little insecurity she had. And it became an opportunity for us to communicate and to talk about her insecurities and for me to reassure her and for us to get on the same page.

Speaker 1:

So when a man says that he doesn't do drama, like in the context that I used it. How I was using it was I just don't want your quote unquote drama to become an obstacle to us having a happy, healthy, life, holy relationship Like that was the relationship that I wanted. I wanted to divide, I wanted a relationship where I knew I was with my person and that we were going to be one of those couples. And I always admired those couples. You ever see them, you know, walking in the park or at the store. They're like in their eighties and they're shuffling along and they're still holding hands, like after 40, 50, 60 years, like they still love each other that much that they're holding hands like after 40, 50, 60 years, like they still love each other that much that they're holding hands as they're walking down the road. I'm like that's the kind of relationship I want. I don't ever want to lose that love for my partner and I want to feel that kind of love.

Speaker 1:

And so when a man uses like I did that, hey, I don't do drama. What we're just trying to say is that look, if you have any stuff, any insecurities, any fears, any trust issues, anything that is going to become an issue for us having a healthy relationship and partnership. Having a healthy relationship and partnership, then that's not what I'm looking for. Now you can look at that and say, well, that's very selfish. And my question is is it? If a man is clear on what kind of relationship and what kind of partner that he is looking for and he communicates that upfront, not in a way to put anybody down, not in a way to ridicule anybody or criticize, but to simply say, hey, you know what, this is what's important to me and this is what I'm not willing to settle for, is that really a bad thing? Now, let me preface this by saying this should be a two-way street.

Speaker 1:

So I know some of your listeners go Joe, you think that there are guys out there who don't have drama. No, I absolutely know it, 1,000%. There are a lot of guys out there who have emotional stuff from their past insecurities, trust issues, fears, not feeling worthy, not feeling feeling good enough, whatever it may be. That can create drama for you in a relationship, and I believe that one of the best forms of self love is having healthy boundaries. See, when I was communicating to my what would be, ultimately, my future wife that, hey, I don't do drama, I was just showing that this is a healthy boundary. This is not something I'm willing to settle and compromise on or for, and the reason why is because I knew if I did, if I settled, if I compromised, I would never have the relationship that I desired in my heart, which is the relationship that God wanted for me. So that's why I'm sharing this with you.

Speaker 1:

This is a two-way street and you have every right to speak your truth and say, hey, I don't do drama, and it's not always a negative thing. It is the context of how it's used. And so I'm sharing that with you today. Because when a man says that your job is to discern, okay, is this one of those selfish guys who says you know what? He doesn't want to communicate, he doesn't want to have empathy, he doesn't want to work with me to understand me so we can have a happy, healthy relationship. Like he's expecting me to be perfect and he wants it to be all sunshine and rainbows and he's not willing to deal with any of the challenges in life. Like if you see that, then it's like again, I want I invite you to consider is that the kind of guy you want to build a future with?

Speaker 1:

Can you have a happy, healthy, long lasting relation with someone who is currently thinking, speaking and acting like that, or is it in the context of what do you mean by that? And just everything I just explained? It's not that you can't have insecurities, it's not that you have to be perfect, not that you can't have other things that bother you emotionally, like you don't have to be this perfect human specimen. You can have stuff. It's just your stuff can't become an issue to us having a healthy relationship, and it has to be a two-way street as well. My stuff couldn't be an issue to us having a healthy relationship.

Speaker 1:

So I believe in a relationship that both individuals have to hold each other to a certain standard, and those relationships that stand the test of time, that are amazing, that are easy, are the relationships where they are, as it says in the Bible, equally yoked, right, and so that's kind of what we're talking about today. So when a man says because I know the questions, so how do I discern? How do I tell if he's selfish and it's all about him and he's not a good relationship partner? Or how can I discern if a man is saying and telling me that he has this healthy boundary because he's really committed to having an amazing relationship and he realizes he cannot have an amazing relationship with a woman who has emotional stuff that she hasn't processed, she hasn't helped, she hasn't healed or she hasn't dealt with to get to a place where she can open up and be an equally yoked relationship partner. So it's really simple you ready?

Speaker 1:

So the guy says hey, look, I don't do drama, this is what you do. Hey, I understand. I'm just curious what do you mean by that? What specifically is drama to you? That's it. You come from a natural place of curiosity to see what he means and, based on his answer, he will give you a good indication of he's one of those selfish guys where it's like he doesn't want to deal with your emotions, he doesn't want to deal with your insecurities, he doesn't want to deal with any challenges, he just wants it all to be fun, it's all about him. And if you and your stuff become an issue, he doesn't want to deal with any challenges, he just wants it all to be fun, it's all about him. And if you and your stuff become an issue, he doesn't want to deal with it.

Speaker 1:

If he's one of those guys or he's a guy kind of like I explained how I was with my wife. Well, my soon to be wife and just explaining my truth is that, look, I'm not expecting you to be perfect. I'm not expecting you to have insecurities, to have fears I've got them but those things can't become obstacles for us being healthy relationship partners for each other. Because the truth is, if one of the two individuals in a couple has those issues that haven't been dealt with, that haven't been healed, that haven't been processed, it puts a big, big strain on the relationship and it makes it so much more difficult to have the relationship that God designed for us.

Speaker 1:

Now, again, we have free will and God says if you want to be in that kind of relationship and you want to try and make a square, peg, fit and round hole you want to settle, you can, but you don't have to. And that's really what we're espousing in this podcast and in these series is that you know what you can have, whatever relationship you desire in your heart, and I believe the relationship that you desire in your heart is the relationship that God desires for you and makes possible. But God can't do your pushups for you right. You have free will and the choices and decisions you make ultimately determine what shows up and what you experience in life. So if a guy tells you, look, I don't do drama, and you just say, oh, I don't have any drama, and you know that you have some stuff, some insecurities, those fears, things from your past that you haven't healed, and you go and try and make that relationship work, it's still not going to last, it's not going to be the relationship you desire. Hopefully that guy's going to check out and you're going to feel like you know why did he do this to me? And it's like, well, he kind of showed you his true colors up front.

Speaker 1:

And that's what we're doing in this process is giving you the tools to help you understand how a person is showing up in your life. And one of the things that I've seen is, very often we don't accept the person for who they are. We want them to be different than they are. We have these expectations and we project those expectations onto the other person and we get mad when they show them who, when they show us who they are, because we want them to be something different. What we're trying to show you to do here is that just sit back, ask the questions, follow the process, create it and allow the truth to reveal itself, and it always will. We just want to get to that truth much quicker, if we can.

Speaker 1:

Right, we want to figure out within a phone call right A date, two dates, maybe a couple of dates that this isn't the healthy relationship partner that you're seeking, versus thinking he is, and investing your time and your energy and everything else, only to figure that out months or years later. Right, because God doesn't want you to waste months and years of your life on someone who's not the right relationship partner. God says look, I'm here to help you figure this out. But if you choose to ignore, you want to make excuses, you want to lie to yourself, you want to buy into his BS then, and ignore the yellow flags? Well, you can, that's your free will, but that's not how it's supposed to be.

Speaker 1:

So I'd love to hear from you, you know, when a man says I don't do drama, what comes up for you, like, is that something that you find triggering? Is it something that you immediately get pissed off and you like write him off? Is it something that you inquire about to try and discern what his real intentions are, or is it something that you haven't even given a thought to, and now, after listening to this, it's like, hmm, I now see it in a different way. So, as always, love to hear your thoughts, love to hear your feedback. If you have any questions, any comments, please feel free to reach out. You know if you're watching this through Spotify or listening to this through Spotify or Apple, you know the links are there. You know to send us any questions or to comment Spotify or Apple, you know the links are there. You know to send us any questions or to comment. And if you're watching this through Facebook or through our email list and you're receiving this and you have questions or comments, please feel free to um, to reach out and to post and reach out personally, because I'm here for you. All right, my dear, as always, and I'm privileged to be with you. I'll see you next week, much love.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for spending this time with me on the Spiritual Dating Podcast. I truly hope today's episode helped you to feel more hopeful, more empowered and more connected to the love that you're meant to have. If this episode resonated with you, please make sure to follow the show so you never miss an episode, and if you really feel inspired, I'd be so grateful if you left a review or shared it with another amazing woman who you know deserve to have a great guy by her side to share life. And if you're ready to go deeper and get real guidance on your spiritual dating journey, come join me in our private Facebook community. Just grab the link in the description of today's episode. Until next time, remember, you're not too old, it's not too late, and the love you desire is absolutely possible, because God didn't put that desire in your heart for no reason. This is Joe Amoya, your spiritual dating coach, reminding you that true love is your birthright, so let's make it your reality.