Spiritual Dating

Sparks, Chemistry & Heartbreak— Do You Need To Rethink Your Approach To Dating?

• Joe Amoia • Episode 12

Share episode

Have you ever met a man, felt those electric sparks, given him your heart... and then watched it all fall apart?

If you’ve been focusing on having chemistry with a man you’re not alone. A lot of women believe that if they don't immediately feel that initial "zing," he's not the right guy.

But what if that belief is quietly sabotaging your chances of finding the lasting, soul-connected love you really want?

In this episode, we’re turning that narrative on its head.

We’ll unpack the truth about chemistry—how it can feel intoxicating in the beginning but lead to heartbreak when it's not backed by genuine compatibility. Through real-life stories, spiritual insights, and straight-talk wisdom, you’ll discover why focusing on chemistry and not compatibility is an error. One that can easily be corrected!

We’ll talk about:

  • Why focusing on chemistry isn’t a reliable guide to long-term love
  • The subtle, powerful ways God wires us for both physical attraction and a deep connection and alignment
  • How to recognize the difference between emotional intensity and emotional safety
  • What the 20% of people who experience true, lasting love do differently—and how you can join them

If you're ready to stop chasing sparks and start building something real with a man who shares your values, vision, and heart... this one’s for you.

Ready to find the love that God has waiting for you? Join our private Facebook community:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/spiritualdatingforwomen  or reach out directly to joe@joemoia.com for personalized guidance on your spiritual dating journey.


Speaker 1:

When you're dating and you're getting to know a man, do you quickly dismiss him if you don't feel the chemistry? Well, if so, I want you to pay close attention because in this episode, you're going to discover why focusing on chemistry is a big mistake. Stay tuned. Welcome to the Spiritual Dating Podcast, where spirituality, psychology and successful dating strategies come together to help you turn the love you desire into a reality. I'm your host, joe Amoya, your spiritual dating and relationship coach. If you're a spiritually grounded woman who has almost everything you want except a great guy to share your life with, you're in the right place. If you're done settling, tired of the dating merry-go-round, and ready to attract a high quality, emotionally available man who will love you the way God created you to be loved, this podcast is for you. I'm here to show you how to date smarter, love deeper and create the kind of relationship your heart desires and truly deserves. Hello, beautiful souls, it's Joe. Welcome back to another episode of the Spiritual Dating Podcast, this one.

Speaker 1:

I know I say that all the time, but they really are. They're all good, but why this one is good is because there's a mistake that I see. That happens so often. Now I want you to understand. When I say mistake, I'm not blaming anybody, I'm not making somebody wrong. It's more like an error right. It's that things you think you're doing which actually are working against you. So one of them that I see all the time is focusing on chemistry. You know, I hear it all the time. The context of the conversation goes like this is like why are you struggling, tamika? I just can't find somebody that I have chemistry with. Like I need chemistry. It's important.

Speaker 1:

If I don't, you know, if I sit down on a date, if I don't feel that chemistry, quickly, like you know, I write the guy off and I'm like I get it, I understand, but in my head I'm like that's such a mistake. See, when I met my wife, when I picked her up, I didn't feel this great, amazing chemistry. And if you ask her, either did she. But here we are 24 years later and I'll put my marriage up against anybody else's out there. Not that I'm better than anybody else or we're better. It's just that we've created this divine partnership and very often when I hear that phrase that I have to have chemistry, there's really not an understanding of what chemistry is. So very often when I hear that phrase, I'll go. Okay, cool, I get that. I respect that. I hear you.

Speaker 1:

So what is chemistry? 96 times out of a hundred, it's like um, well, you know I, I just I gotta feel it. Or you know what if, like you know, if I don't feel this instant attraction and let me preface this by saying is that if you're going to spend the rest of your life and have the relationship that god wants for you, there needs to be a God wants you to be attracted to your partner. God knows that if you're not attracted to your partner, how are you going to be intimate with him, right? How are you going to kiss him? How are you going to play tonsil hug, like? So God knows this stuff, right? So God wants you to be attracted to the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. But it's this focus on chemistry and, most of the time, not even understanding what it is. So the good news is is I've kind of cracked that code and we're going to discuss that first, because very often when I'm having these conversations, I'm asking okay, great, tell me what chemistry is.

Speaker 1:

Ultimately, it comes down to two things. It comes down to a physical attraction and it comes down to emotional connection, right. It's like, yes, yes, I'm attracted to the guy, right, but I also feel this connection, this emotion, and it's hard to put into words. I get that and I agree 100%, completely. I think if you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you need a physical attraction, a physical attraction and an emotional connection. But here's where we go wrong. If you're only focusing on that and you believe that's what chemistry is, because that's what most people think chemistry is that's where you're going wrong.

Speaker 1:

See, when I met my wife now I'm going to be transparent, you know, that's how I roll In my past that's exactly what I did. That's what initially attracted me to my ex, right, and it basically attracted me to everybody I had a relationship with. There was an attraction, and then there was this connection and I'm like, oh, this is great, right, and in the beginning let's face it, it's amazing, right. I'm like, oh, this is great. And in the beginning let's face it, it's amazing. It's like, yeah, this is it, this is awesome. And what happens? Somewhere down the road? They realize that you're not what they're looking for. Or, ultimately, you realize that, yeah, we had this physical attraction and this emotional connection, but it burned out and this isn't the person that I really want to be with anymore. Like it's it's just like almost like right Ever been there. Like it's like what happened, like it was so great and everything was wonderful in the beginning. Right, those are the magic words. When I hear those words, it's like the nails on the chalkboard. Well, in the beginning it's like, yeah, well in the beginning is different than how it is now. So we can't continue to go forward if in the present it's not what you want and it's not what God wants for you. Okay, so let's start by that.

Speaker 1:

So when I was dating, that's what I did. I focused on the physical attraction and the emotional connection and I met someone and we had that connection and we had the same goals, we wanted the same things, and so we're both like you know, yeah, let's go forward and ultimately went forward. And it was a freaking nightmare, like it was so not the relationship that I desired in my heart, and I had no clue. I didn't understand anything that I understand now, and so I continued to try and make it work because ultimately we both we thought we wanted it to work, but we didn't want it to work because you are the right person for me, and I know that it's. We want it to work because we wanted the end result and we were both afraid of being honest, first of all with ourselves and then with the other person, and then admitting that it wasn't the relationship that we truly desired, and then admitting that it wasn't the relationship that we truly desired.

Speaker 1:

But that experience I call it an expensive learning lesson. It was probably my most expensive learning lesson that made me realize that you know what I'm doing something wrong. And that's when I took some mirror time and that's where I realized oh, I have this pattern. It's not a good pattern. It's good in the beginning. I have this pattern. As I meet someone. There's this attraction, there's a connection, and then next, you know, after a couple, we're like in a relationship. And like that, literally, was almost every relationship I had, from when I first started with my very first girlfriend when I was 16 years old. That's how it worked.

Speaker 1:

And then, after about 15, 16 years of that and several relationships, I realized, hmm, I'm a slow learner. That's not really working too well. It's not leading to the results that I really desire in my heart the marriage, the partnership, the relationship that I really desire in my heart, the marriage, the partnership, the relationship that I really want. So I've got to do some things different. So I'm like, okay, now again I struggled with that, you know. Well, I got to have it. I got to be attracted to someone, like how can I spend the rest of my life with someone if I'm not attracted to them? And so I realized, okay, on some level there has to be an attraction.

Speaker 1:

Now, in the past I'll be quite transparent, especially when I was younger, I was very superficial, like like a lot of guys. It's like, you know, she had to be hot, she had to have the perfect body, you know, like, like all that, that's superficial stuff and it's great when you're a teenager, you're in your early 20s and realize that, okay, I did a lot of girls like that and had relationships with some like that and you know what that didn't work. So maybe I need to kind of reevaluate what's attracted and I literally said to myself look, I just need to be attracted. There needs to be some level of attraction there. So I'd rather take a woman that I'm attracted to who may not be a 10, who's like an eight, but I still feel that attraction too.

Speaker 1:

So I'm here to tell you what I believe is that you need to be attracted to someone unless you're, mother Teresa, right? Unless you can say you know what, I don't have to have any attraction whatsoever. I could kiss someone, I can be intimate, I can wrap my arms around someone, and I don't care if I'm attracted to them or not. If that's you, that's cool, I applaud that and I admire that. But I don't think that's most of us. If we're real and again, I don't think God wants us, wants that for us I think God wants us to say you know what? Yeah, I'm attracted to you, right. But so there needs to be a base level of attraction. And, again, there needs to be that emotional connection, right, you need to feel that connection in your heart, in your soul, that lets you know yeah, this is the type of person I'm looking for, again, the type of person I'm looking for.

Speaker 1:

But this is the missing link, and this is the game changer for me. Well, one of the game changers Is that, instead of focusing on chemistry, I started focusing on compatibility. And it sounds like such a subtle thing and it sounds like it may be the same thing, but what I've discovered is, for most single men and women who struggle with finding that person that they think they can't find chemistry with it's, that they're not focusing on compatibility. And so when I started focusing on compatibility, things shifted. So I would go on dates and I would find someone that I was really attracted to or I felt that emotional connection. But as I was going on dates and I was asking questions and I was screening, it became real easy to decipher and discern if that was the right person for me.

Speaker 1:

Because, see, tell me, if this is familiar, like kind of what I did, right? Is you meet that guy? Right, and you feel this chemistry and butterflies and tingling, right, and you're like, oh, we like the same music, we grew up in the same era and we like to travel to the same places. Right, you know the attractions there, the emotional connection there, and you jump into bed and you jump into the relationship and then, down the road, you realize that, oh, he's so not the relationship partner that you're looking for, right, why? Because you weren't focused on compatibility. You thought that physical attraction and emotional connection was enough, and I'm telling you it's not. I call that superficial chemistry, right, where it's kind of superficial and look when you're in your teens and your 20s and you just want to have fun, that kind of chemistry can work.

Speaker 1:

But if your goal is to have a happy, healthy partnership relationship, the kind that God wants for you, that divine love, well, you got to focus on compatibility. You got to determine is this person the right relationship partner? And when I was dating, that was one of the things that I did. When I met my wife, yeah, first date, I'm like okay, she's attractive. Okay, check that box, we're good.

Speaker 1:

As we started. To date, we developed a connection. We had the same values, the same morals, the same goals, the same desires right, there's. So, emotionally, there was a connection there and shared values. But then it was is this the right relationship partner for me? And also, am I the right relationship partner for her? Because here's the thing you might think that person is the right relationship partner for you, but if that person doesn't think you're the right relationship partner for them, then ultimately that relationship is not going to work, and I see that all the time. It's like, you know, he was the perfect guy and I'm like, but he didn't think you were the perfect girl and because of that the relationship ended. So that's part of the compatibility is to discern am I the right relationship partner for you and are you the right relationship partner for me?

Speaker 1:

That's part of the process and again, it's one of the biggest mistakes I see, especially if you're focused on chemistry, because you just jump right in right and you focus on the wrong thing and now that caused you to go down a road that's never going to lead to the road that you truly desire and again, that's not the road that God desires for you. I am here to tell you that again, this is my truth, to tell you that again, this is my truth. God wants you to be with someone that you are attracted to. God wants you to be with someone that you feel an emotional connection with in your heart, in your soul. But God also knows that he wants you to be with the right person. Now here's where the challenge comes again, because you have free will. So if you want to focus solely on the physical attraction and the emotional connection, god says, okay, knock yourself out Again. That's what I did with every relationship other than my wife and none of those relationships worked out. But when you focus on the compatibility, which includes the physical attraction and the emotional connection. That's when you hit the lottery and that's when God can assist you and do his part.

Speaker 1:

Because one of the things I see all the time it's kind of like you know what, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Well, what I believe is that if you have a desire in your heart, that desire comes from God, which means you are meant to experience it. And I'm talking in desire in your heart, not in your mind, not in your ego. In your heart that's kind of like God setting the coordinates of the GPS. This is where you're meant to go. But if you use your free will to make choices, decisions that take you away from experiencing that, it's not going to be what God wants for you, which is ultimately what your higher self wants for you. Now, it's kind of like the GPS right, ultimately what your higher self wants for you.

Speaker 1:

Now, it's kind of like the GPS right. If the GPS says right, you set the coordinates, you know where you're going. And the GPS says go right. And you're like but I don't want to go right, I want to go left. It's like okay, knock yourself out. It's just going to be more difficult to get where you want to go, and if you keep doing that, it's going to be impossible.

Speaker 1:

But the beautiful part of the GPS the same thing with God is that even if you make the wrong terms, you can learn from it. See, all the, I made a bunch of wrong terms and went down roads that were never going to lead to the relationship that I truly wanted, but that didn't mean that I could never get it. It just took me longer, and that's okay. But the beautiful part is, no matter how long it takes you, once you find it, once you get to your destination, whatever happened in the past no longer matters. And I believe you know, I like to think of God as having a sense of humor, like because you have to like, otherwise this world that we live in can be like confusing, frustrating, depressing, like it can be all that.

Speaker 1:

So I kind be like confusing, frustrating, depressing, like it can be all that. So I kind of believe God's up there going, oh my God, like really, again you're going to go after the same person, you're going to focus on that chemistry and and be so superficial again, like when are you going to get it? But then when y'all, we ultimately figured out and we make the changes. God's like. I knew you, I knew you were going to do it Right, yeah, and I had to help you. I had to, you know, put some obstacles in your way to kind of wake you up. But the good news is is that you got it and now that you have it, you can sit back, you can enjoy it for as long as you both are in each other's lives on this earth.

Speaker 1:

And that's the beautiful part of what I call is the divine love, and it's like no other love in the world. And the truth is, not everybody gets to experience that love and, from my experience and my research, only a very small percentage, like less than 20%, get to experience it. Now we can say, oh, that's depressing, that's demoralizing, the odds are against me, and, yeah, you can look at it that way. Or you can say what do I need to do, what do I need to learn, what do I need to change to be in that percentage, to have that kind of divine love? And that's really that's why we do this is because I was told I didn't set out to do this.

Speaker 1:

Most of you don't know my story. I went to school to be a chiropractor. I was a chiropractor for 20 years until it was revealed to me in my journaling you need to help others find love, and I fought, I resisted, but it was something that has been reinforced over and over and over again. So we're here to tell you you're never, it's never too late, you're never too old, and there are no obstacles to you achieving and creating the love that God has for you. The only obstacle, 99% of the time, is you, and it's not because you are intentionally being. There are things you are unknowingly doing which are making it harder. It's like when God tells you to turn right, you say no, but I want to go left and that's a podcast for another day because the fear is that if I don't turn left, I'm not going to get what I want, and so you're trying to control the road instead of letting God guide you. But again, that's a podcast for another day.

Speaker 1:

So, as always, love to hear from you. What's your thoughts Like? Take some mirror time. Have you been focusing on chemistry more than compatibility and, if so, what were you focusing on and how is this going to serve you as you go forward? Let me know. And, as always, if you have any other questions, comments or feedback, feel free to reach out. My email is either in the description if you're watching this on one of the podcast servers, or if you're getting this through our email or Facebook group. You can just reach out privately and I'll send you my email address. All right, I love and appreciate you. I'll see you next time, god bless.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for spending this time with me on the Spiritual Dating Podcast. I truly hope today's episode helped you to feel more hopeful, more empowered and more connected to the love that you're meant to have. If this episode resonated with you, please make sure to follow the show so you never miss an episode. And if you really feel inspired, I'd be so grateful if you left a review or shared it with another amazing woman who you know deserved to have a great guy by her side to share life with. And if you're ready to go deeper and get real guidance on your spiritual dating journey, come join me in our private Facebook community. Just grab the link in the description of today's episode. Until next time, remember you're not too old, it's not too late and the love you desire is absolutely possible, because God didn't put that desire in your heart for no reason. This is Joe Amoya, your spiritual dating coach, reminding you that true love is your birthright, so let's make it your reality.