Spiritual Dating

Overcoming Dating Fears After Heartbreak

• Joe Amoia

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Are you struggling to date again after heartbreak? Are you afraid of making a mistake and giving your heart to another man who is going to let you down or betray you?

If so, you're not alone.

The hesitation of putting yourself back into the dating scene after everyhting you've been through isn't emotional baggage. It's your brains natural wiring  trying to protect you from getting hurt.

It's a process called emotional dissonance which creates an energetic tug of war between your fears and your heart desires.

When your fear is stronger than your faith your brain essentially says, "Look at your track record—we don't trust you anymore." But what if I told you that with the right mindset and tools, it becomes virtually impossible to make a dating mistake?

Today, I'm sharing three powerful strategies to move beyond fear and date with confidence. First, confront your fears directly by asking "what's the worst that could happen?" When we shine light on our fears, they often lose their power. Second, develop confidence in your ability to protect yourself by honing discernment skills and learning to spot red flags early. I share a powerful story about a client who, after two divorces and a devastating relationship, transformed her dating life by developing these skills.

The third strategy—and this is the game-changer—is developing trust in divine guidance. That intuition or gut feeling you sometimes ignore? That's God's way of protecting you from investing in the wrong relationships. When you learn to listen to and trust this guidance, making another "mistake" becomes virtually impossible.

Remember that past relationships weren't mistakes—they were expensive learning lessons equipping you with insights about yourself and what you truly want. God didn't place that desire for love in your heart without also providing a path to fulfill it.

Ready to transform your dating journey? Join our private Facebook community through the link in the episode description. You're not too old, it's not too late, and the love you desire is absolutely possible!

Speaker 1:

Are you having a hard time putting yourself out there because the last guy you gave your heart to really let you down and you're afraid of making another mistake? Well, if so, pay close attention, because this episode is for you. Welcome to the Spiritual Dating Podcast, where spirituality, psychology and successful dating strategies come together to help you turn the love you desire into a reality. I'm your host, joe Amoya, your spiritual dating and relationship coach. If you're a spiritually grounded woman who has almost everything you want except a great guy to share your life with, you're in the right place. If you're done settling, tired of the dating merry-go-round, and ready to attract a high quality, emotionally available man who will love you the way God created you to be loved, this podcast is for you. I'm here to show you how to date smarter, love deeper and create the kind of relationship your heart desires and truly deserves. Hello, beautiful souls, welcome back to another episode of the Spiritual Dating Podcast. Tell me if this sounds familiar.

Speaker 1:

The last guy you were in a relationship with. The last guy you were in a relationship with, you thought he was something special. There may have been a part of you that even thought he was the one you found the keeper, but then, somewhere along the line, you realized he wasn't the guy that you really wanted. And then, after that relationship ended, you're kind kind of questioning yourself how did you not see it? What did you miss? And now you're having a hard time putting yourself back out there because you don't trust yourself and you're afraid of making another mistake. Well, if that sounds like you, you are in the right place, because today we're going to talk about how to get over this. Because, see, if you're afraid of making another mistake, there's a part of your brain and your nervous system that's going to protect you. You've heard of fight or flight. Well, it literally is a part of your brain and nervous system that is designed to keep you safe. And so if there's a part of you unconsciously that says you know what? I thought he was the one, and then I gave my heart. And then look at what happened, look what I got as a result of that.

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And if you've experienced that more than once in your life, the part of your brain is going to go. You know what? Forget it. You're not good at this. We don't trust you. So you know what? Let's just play it safe, let's just stay back, and it's going to create this internal tug of war. It's called an energetic dissonance, where a part of you consciously is like yeah, I want a relationship, I want to be with someone, but the unconscious, emotional part of you is going to go. Yeah, but you don't trust yourself. Look at your track record. You know what. Just pack it in You're better off being single. And it'll create all these lies which are designed to keep you safe. And that's okay.

Speaker 1:

But what you need to understand that as long as your fear is stronger than your desire to have the relationship that you are truly looking for and that God wants for you, as long as that fear is stronger than that, you're going to unconsciously sabotage. You're going to create experiences in your life. Maybe you're going to pick the wrong guys. You're going to sabotage relationships. You're not going to put yourself out there. You're going to say you know what? I'm better off being single, even though you know that's a bunch of BS. Yes, are you better off being single than in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship with the man who doesn't value and respect you and love you the way God deserves? God, I'm sorry. God desires you to be loved, right? Yes, absolutely, but tell me that you're better off single and alone than in a relationship with a guy like that, and if you are, we'll agree to disagree and that's okay.

Speaker 1:

But what I want you to understand is it's okay if there's a part of you that's afraid of putting yourself out there. There's nothing wrong with being cautious. I think it's smart to be cautious. But when you're guarded and you're jaded and you put up walls or you stop yourself from really putting yourself out there, that's where the issues occur and that's what we want to talk about today. So if you are afraid of making another mistake, I want to tell you it's perfectly okay, that's perfectly normal. Most people who make mistakes in life, who get burned, are going to be afraid, are going to be cautious. We just don't want to make sure that that caution works against you and you become guarded or you become jaded.

Speaker 1:

So before we get into the ways you can protect yourself from making another mistake, I want to share something that I've learned. I really don't believe in mistakes. I believe that they're expensive learning lessons. See, I made a lot of what most people would say mistakes with my ex and what I learned is that they weren't mistakes because I learned from them, I grew from them. I'd made changes as a result of them. So those things that other people, including my mother, still call mistakes, I call as expensive learning lessons, and those are things that I had to, unfortunately, learn the hard way in order to make the changes. And that's how we are as human beings.

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In Italian we say cabodas which means thick us are stubborn, we want to do it our way because we think we know better, and then that's why we ultimately get bitten on the ass is because we're doing things against God's will, against the way God wants it for us, and that's why we wind up making mistakes. Now, if you know like you shouldn't date a certain guy, or you're in a relation with a guy who's not valuing you, loving you and appreciating you, and you continue to stay with him and make excuses, and you know that, well, yeah, I would call that a mistake because you know better. But even that I would give you some grace, because if you know better and you're not doing better, there's something going on underneath the surface. So I always try and look at the world and people going through this journey through the eyes of God, through the eyes of love. Is that we're all doing the best we can. We didn't get an instruction manual, and so if we're not doing things that are leading to the results we desire in our heart is because there's something going on that we're just not aware of, and that's where we need to do our work. Okay, so let's talk about this thing, about making another mistake, because what I know to be true is that it is impossible to make another mistake when you are aligned with your true self and you are aligned with God. Okay, and so we're going to talk about that today, because once you realize that, oh wow, you mean, it really is impossible for me to make a mistake. Yeah, you have to be really stubborn and really ignorant to choose to make a mistake, and what I know is, most people don't consciously want to choose and make mistakes. They inherently do it, because there's something that they're not aware of which is causing the behavior, which is causing them to have experiences in life that they don't desire or that they are looking for. Okay, so here's the first thing If you want to get over the fear of making another mistake, the first thing I invite you to do is ask yourself what's the worst thing that can happen.

Speaker 1:

Right, it's to confront the fear. What I found in life for most people is they're so afraid of the fear that they don't even look at it. It's kind of like remember when we were little, the fear that there was a boogeyman under the bed or in the closet. We wanted to avoid it at all costs, but it was just illusion that we believed was being true. It was a perception that we accepted as being true, but it wasn't really true. And so very often, if we just confront the fear, we'll see that you know what, it's really not that bad and there are ways of getting past it and around it and protecting yourself.

Speaker 1:

So if you can just sit with the fear and ask yourself what's the worst thing that can happen, right, it's like, okay, I give my heart to a guy and you know what he cheats on me. Okay, great. So what's the worst thing that can happen? I'll feel embarrassed. Okay, I'll feel embarrassed. I'll feel stupid. Okay, I'll feel stupid. What's the worst thing? And what you're really going to understand is you're not going to die, right, and you're going to be okay.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you might have some egg on your face, you might have some regret and things like that, but what if that became an opportunity to learn, right? So let's say, you picked a guy and you gave him your heart and he cheated on you. What if you can learn from that? What if you can say oh okay, there were some things that I missed, there were some red flags. I didn't screen them enough, I jumped into it, whatever it may be, and then that mistake turns into a lesson, right? And so I believe that we don't have to make these lessons over and over. We can learn really, really quickly if we're paying attention.

Speaker 1:

But if we're not and we're letting our mind and our ego dictate and cause us to make choices and decisions because we want what we want when we want it, instead of making them aligned with our heart and aligned with God, that's where we get ourself in trouble. Okay, so that's the very first thing you can do to get over your fear of making another mistake is just confront it, like, just ask yourself what's the worst thing can happen. Okay, so that's the first thing. Front it, just ask yourself what's the worst thing can happen. That's the first thing. The second thing is you need to develop your confidence in yourself and your ability to protect yourself from making another mistake. See, one of the reasons you're afraid of making another mistake is because you don't have confidence in yourself and your ability to protect yourself from making another mistake. That's why I say is, once you understand that it is impossible, if you have the skills and the tools and the strategies, it becomes impossible to make another mistake. It really, really, really does. So let me give you an example A woman I had worked with a while back and when she came to me she was in that exact boat.

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She was in a relationship. Now she already had two failed marriages, she'd been divorced twice and she was in a relationship with this guy and, like the relationship had ended, it had been over a couple of months and she came back to me. She's like I'm embarrassed to tell you, like the crap, that I put up with this guy. And she's like I can't, like I still can't wrap my head around why I was with this guy and why I stayed with this guy. Now, I never judge anyone because I understand we all do the best we can with what we have, and she was at that point where she wanted to go forward.

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Like this was a person. She had such a big heart, she was a beautiful person in every way. She was successful, like every area of her life was was awesome except her love life, and she really wanted that special person to share her life with. But after her two failed marriages and after her debacle with this last guy, she's like you know what? I don't trust myself. She's like you know, my picker's broken and I'm like, okay, that's great, because once we understand what the problem is, we can work on fixing it. And so I helped her develop the skills and the tools and the strategies to screen and to discern and to work with her intuition and to work with her divine intelligence, to work with God and, ultimately, the mistakes that she used to make in the past, the paths that she used to go down. She stopped going down and we used the past and turned it into a valuable learning lesson and in developing the skills and the strategy, she stopped investing and she went back and she saw you know that last guy she's like if I would have had these skills and tools, she's like I would have never went on a second date with him. Right? But again, we do the best we can with what we have and, long story short, she's now engaged, they're going to be married. They're building a beautiful home. They're getting ready to retire. To be married they're building a beautiful home. They're getting ready to retire. She's just in a much better place because, ultimately, she developed the skills and the confidence in herself and her ability to protect herself from investing in the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

Speaker 1:

So that's another way you can get over your fear of making another mistake. It's to develop your confidence in yourself and your ability to protect yourself, and it's really not as hard as that may sound, okay. So I know you go, joe, how do I do that? Don't worry, we got stuff coming for you with that. But today we're just putting in the foundation to help you understand that getting over a fear of making another mistake is just developing the confidence, the faith in yourself and your ability and learning to lean on God, which is the third way, right?

Speaker 1:

So if you want to get over the fear of making another mistake, you must. You must like. This is the, this is the jet fuel, like this is the catalyst that will just take it to a different level, and it's to develop your trust and your faith in God, knowing that he will do everything and anything to protect you from making another mistake, right? See, god doesn't want you to give your heart to these buttholes. God doesn't want you to invest in the wrong relationship with the wrong guys for the wrong reasons. But God loves you enough that he gives you free will and he says with the wrong guys for the wrong reasons. But God loves you enough that he gives you free will and he says if you want to date the same guy over and over again, that's okay, I'm going to love you anyway. But it doesn't have to be that way and God wants to protect you. He's there. The divine intelligence that God is is always within you. You may call that your intuition, your gut instinct, your higher self, whatever it may be. That's the part of you that's connected to the divine, to God, and it's there to protect you.

Speaker 1:

So I was having a conversation the other day with a woman, a member of our community, who was afraid of making another mistake because she's terrified of getting hurt again, which I totally understand and when we were talking about this and I was explaining that you cannot make a mistake right, when you have the courage and you have the confidence in yourself and your ability to protect yourself and you also have the faith and the trust in God to protect you. It is impossible to make a mistake. It just can't happen. And I used a scenario of what will happen with intuition and signs, and she's like. You know what she's like, I'm afraid to admit it. She's like in my prior relationships and she had been married a couple of times as well. She's like my intuition was screaming. She's like my intuition was screaming. There were signs left and right, she's like, but I chose to ignore them and I'm like great, what a valuable gift that is right now to have that awareness.

Speaker 1:

Now, as human beings, we can go back and we can beat ourselves up. We can shit all over ourselves Like I should have done this or I should have done that, but I'm a big believer in giving yourself permission to suck, like giving yourself permission to be human, like you didn't get an instruction manual with your life, did you? I know I didn't, and so everything that is a perceived mistake is something that I ultimately learned from, and that's how God sees us. God sees us through those lenses, through those glasses. So this is what I want for you in this episode today is to understand that if you're afraid of making another mistake. That fear is just your brain's way of trying to protect you, and if you learn to develop the skills and tools, including incorporating these three suggestions that I gave you today, well then your faith and your confidence in yourself and your ability to make the right choices for the right decisions, and in God to protect you, simply increases exponentially. And that's really the way it's supposed to be, and that's what we want to espouse here with spiritual dating is that there are three pillars to turning the love you desire into your reality, and when you understand the different aspects of these pillars and incorporate them into your life, then it simply becomes like clothes shopping, it's you just keep trying them on until you find the right one, and I know that sounds so simple, but what if it is? What if it really really is? What if it doesn't have to be as difficult as it appears to be? And I'm going to leave you with that. I'll see you next week. Much love.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for spending this time with me on the Spiritual Dating Podcast. I truly hope today's episode helped you to feel more hopeful, more empowered and more connected to the love that you're meant to have. If this episode resonated with you, please make sure to follow the show so you never miss an episode. And if you really feel inspired, I'd be so grateful if you left a review or shared it with another amazing woman who you know deserves to have a great guy by her side to share life with. And if you're ready to go deeper and get real guidance on your spiritual dating journey, come join me in our private facebook community. Just grab the link in the description of today's episode. Until next time, remember you're not too old, it's not too late and the love you desire is absolutely possible, because god didn't put that desire in your heart for no reason. This is Joe Amoya, your spiritual dating coach, reminding you that true love is your birthright, so let's make it your reality.