Life of a Stepdad

One of the greatest moments of my life occurred when I officially became a stepdad on November 16, 2002. I have been blessed with 3 amazing and loving stepchildren, 2 boys, Arturo and Daniel, and 1 girl, Devina, and it is something that I will eternally cherish.

When I knew that I was going into a relationship with someone with children, I immediately understood that the relationship would be centered around the children just as much as it would be around my girlfriend. I also understood that creating a bond with the children both individually and collectively was an important equation within the relationship, especially as the relationship with the family grew more and more serious. I personally took the time to get to know the children and what was important to them and to learn what they personally thought of me and my relationship with their mom. Understand this...kids' feelings can sometimes be very different from one kid to the next. I mean, it can be really difficult if a particular kid has negative feelings toward you being with their mom, so you have to be very understanding and take the time to build a relationship with that child. Of course, it will take some time but children at a point and time will come to understand that their mom or dad is happy within the relationship which can ultimately change they way the child sees you.

Another key matter in the relationship for me was to get to know the biological father of the children. This can be quite difficult depending on the level of relationship your partner has with his or her Ex. If at all possible, you need to step in and allow the moment to result in good vibes on both sides because there is nothing more nerving than having to deal with an Ex who resents you being around their kid and turns every situation into a negative one. In my case, my wife's Ex and I developed a good relationship that has grown into and exceptional one that is worthwhile and our kids love what we have achieved. At the end of the day, becoming a stepdad was amazing and always remember that while you may become a stepparent, you can at some point drop the "step" in stepparent and realize that you are now a parent because those stepchildren are essentially your children for life!

Transcript

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Hey, hey, what's up out there again, everybody? I'm your host, Greg Mac of the You Better Plan on It Podcast. Catch me every Tuesday at 12 noon Pacific Standard Time. You can also catch me on YouTube live at that same time or go to one of your favorite sites by going to www.youbetterplan on it podcast.budsprout.com. Also, if you like what you're hearing, hit that subscribe button for me. I appreciate your time at any one of those sites that you catch me on. Now with that said, let's go ahead and move forward with today's topic, which applies specifically to me and I'm sure many of you. I want to talk about the life of a stepdad. Again, the life of a stepdad. I became a stepdad in 2002 when I married my wife, Belinda, November 16, 2002. I became an official stepdad. And I'm here to tell you, being a stepdad is very unique, very entertaining all at the same time. And the reason why I say this is because when you're becoming a stepdad prior to, you know, you have to really take into consideration the woman that you marry, her children, the type of kids that they are, the type of things that they need. And specifically, you gotta definitely look at the age. See, I was fortunate because when I met my wife, her kids were already teenagers. You know, they were a little older teenagers. I believe somewhere between 14, 16, or 17, somewhere in that range. So it wasn't as difficult for me. Because I'm telling you, you you really have to think about it. You have to have a plan. You know, if you're gonna date someone and they have children, first and foremost, once you're told that they have children and what the ages are, you get when you're single like me, see, I had never been married, I didn't have any children. You know, so that was something totally different, especially being in the military. It is commonplace when you're a military service member that you are married, usually pretty early in the marriage, and then it all of a sudden falls apart. All kinds of crazy things happen or whatever. Or you marry a high school sweetheart and you're in the military. So uh things just go and go and go. But for me, unlike most of my fellow Marines and other military service members, I didn't get married until later in life. I was in my almost my mid-30s. So it's so much different than getting married when you get married really young and you go through all the tough times. But this was interesting because my wife Belinda, her kids were teenagers, so a little older, you know. And what is interesting about being a stepdad for her children, you know, getting to know them as a stepdad or getting ready to be one, you really have to take the time to get to know the kids individually and collectively. And I'm telling you, if you try to show favoritism, I'm here to tell you, I don't believe that ever works because I had a chance to witness it with some of my Marine Corps brethren and Navy brethren at the units I've been to, and you know, they try to show favoritism to one child over the other, and you know, you're a stepdad. You have to look at things in an equality-like basis. So the plan is, from start to finish, is if you know that you're going to become a stepdad, step one is getting to know the children individually. The likes and dislikes and how they feel about you dating their mom or how they feel about you making the decision to marry their mom. And then you need to do it step two, collectively. You know, pick a time where, you know, once you learn about them individually, and your wife to be is going to tell you everything you need to know, at least the majority of it, and then you just be watchful and see how they respond to who you are. Because I'm telling you, not all kids are going to look at it the same. One child might decide, oh man, I really like this man from my mom. Or the other child might decide, I'm not feeling it. And that is a difficult situation to be in. I was fortunate because I had a chance to get to know the kids. My wife was really strict about me just coming over. So we dated for a while before I ever met her children. But once I got a chance to meet them, you know, I decided to just take my time and learn about them individually. So I asked a lot of questions about each of the three. I have two boys and a girl. Davina's the youngest, Daniel's the middle son, and Arturo is the eldest. Close in age, a year to two years separate uh the group. But getting to know them individually and learning about them was so important. I mean, I'm talking about very important. You have to get to know them individually. I don't care what anybody tries to tell you. The kids, you might think they're similar and they may be in some ways, but for the most part, they're different. Especially when it comes to boys and girls. If it's three boys or just three girls, it's probably a little different for you. It might be a little easier to figure out. But when you have a mixed bag of boy and girl that's going to become your stepchildren, you really have to figure things out. So take your time and get to understand and know each one of them individually. Find out who they are. I mean, really. Offer some expertise sometimes. I mean, you know, they have homework, they have chores, they have different things that they're required to do. And if you are around at the time, help them out. Show them that you're willing to get in there and assist if you know that you can. Don't just look at them and assume, well, they got it. I'm not going to get in the way of it because I don't want to look crazy or anything. Get in there and help. I did not mind if I was asked a question about homework. I did not mind if they were doing something like dishes or something, jumping in and helping. I actually quickly developed a really strong relationship with my stepkids. I really did. It was, they were just really good kids. Now, don't get me wrong, they're just like any other kids, they have their moments where they're out and about and they're doing some things, and then you get that phone call and they need your services. Now, as a stepparent, here's where it gets interesting. I tell you what stepkids will do with the parent with that stepparent. When they get into a situation, they might go around mom and dad and call you the stepparent because they got in a little bit of trouble. Now, I've been down that road and it is entertaining to get that phone call. Now you have to make a decision as a step parent. Do I tell my significant other what's going on? Now, if it's nothing more than they just got stuck somewhere and they need a pickup or they're running late for something and they need a pickup, that's that's simple enough to just go do. But when you get that phone call that says, Hey, uh, I'm over here at a club or something. I went out with my friends and they have been drinking, which means they're underage and they've been drinking. And even though they have driver's license in a car or riding with friends, no one can drive. So the friends get together and play the okie doke on you. They tried to figure out which parent or step parent can we call that's cool enough and has those easy ways of going about doing things without a bunch of drama. And they're gonna call you. And I've been down that road. I just have a really good, easy way about me. Don't get me wrong, I can get I can get bent up, but it takes a lot for me to get bent up. I'd rather do things simple and without a bunch of craziness and drama when at all possible. So you get that call and then they look at you and go, Hey, uh, I'm out here so-and-so. And they try to say it as though, you know, their mom or dad is on the other end listening when they're not. They, I'm stuck over here. Or uh a couple times, you know, the boys got into altercations, and then, you know, the police detain them, but not planning to do anything more. Then you can, if the parent is coming to get them because of nothing major, then we will let them go, but you have to come get them. And now you get that phone call. Now you're the stepparent. They have no intentions of calling mama, dad. They're calling stepmama, stepdad. Hey, can you come get me? They won't release me. And then you know, you talk to the officer, or you talk to the bouncer, or whoever you talk to, and they tell you what took place, and hey, we're gonna hold them here until somebody comes to get them. If nobody's coming to get them, then we're gonna turn them over to authorities or whatever the case may be. So now you as stepmom and stepdad, you gotta decide to yourself, oh man, what do I do now? Do I even tell mom or dad what's going on? Now, in my case, I know how my wife is and I know how she operates. And I know if I don't say anything, even though the kids don't want me to say anything, I know what's going to go down for me. I gotta deal with the headache. The big bad wolf is gonna huff and puff against me. And I don't do a bunch of drama. I'm not built on drama. And for me, when you are a child, you can call me, but last time I checked, you are the adult, you are the stepdad or stepmom, you are the parent, period. Now that child might want you to do it a certain way, but it's incumbent upon you to say something to your significant other, period. Even if it's a minor offense. Now, I know you may not want to do that, and you probably shunned it. Now, don't get me wrong, there's been a couple occasions where I shunned it and took care of the situation and then go back and say something later, and I had to deal with it. So, you know, as a step parent, just treat the children like they're your very own. Don't ever get in a situation where you don't like a particular child or you think this one's so much better than that one, that you treat this one the right way and that one. You treat them the right way, but when your spouse is not around, you treat them differently. And then they start to build a little distrust and hatred for you. Because I'm telling you, as a step parent, you can really build some hatred. And I've been in some situations as a Marine, uh dealing with young troops, being in situations where they are stepparents or even parents, where they favor, and then you got a child that dislikes you or don't want to be around you, that is a tough situation. So you have to think of it, especially if you're a stepparent, because you gotta remember, if you are a step parent, there is another parent involved that's the biological parent. And I had to meet their dad and get to know him so that he can understand who I am and I can understand who he is. We first met him, you know. I know that he was skeptical. And as well, he should be. I had no issues with that. He doesn't know me, he doesn't know who I am. He's got young teenage kids. He don't know anything about me other than, yeah, he's military. But at the same time, he doesn't really know anything about me. Only what my wife told him. So I'm sure, you know, he was hesitant and skeptical and kind of wondering, you know, okay, well, wait a minute, you know, okay, how is this guy? First of all, he's a marine. What type of, you know, temperament does he have? Because I can tell you, military people, we can be very, very temperamental because of how we operate. You know, and when you come in from a combat level organization and, you know, you you've been in different units and different sections of life during your military career where you're used to screaming, yelling, and things are done a certain way, especially authoritatively, then you can't just go into a family and think that you can talk to someone's kids in that same exact manner right away. And that's where a lot of step parents fail. Period. You go into a relationship and you automatically think that you can talk to their kids like you're their biological father, and you can get in and whoop ass like you're their biological father. I'm here to tell you, that does not work. I've been around it, I've seen it. I was very careful because I got a chance to watch over the years, well before I got married, to see how things operate. And then, you know, I wasn't married, no children, but my young Marines and sailors coming to me to talk to me about a situation that they have. Even as biological parents, when you act a certain way or you treat them a certain way. But as a step parent, I'm telling you, the one thing that I want you to think about, if you ever plan to be a stepparent, is once you get to know those children, and once you have established a bond with those children, remove the word step from step parent and just say parent. Remove the word step from stepmom, stepdad, and just say mom, dad. Just treat them as though they're your own, you know. And I know when you get ready to introduce the kids to some of your family, friends, and other loved ones and whatnot, you'll say, This is my stepdaughter, my stepkids. I just say, This is my son or this is my daughter. Now, yes, I do use a step on the occasion as well, but I try to remove it when someone asks me, because I have great stepchildren who are my children. And we have a great relationship. And you know what? And one of the greatest things you can also do as a stepparent, period, is to develop a great relationship, at least a good relationship with the biological parent on the opposite end. You know, you don't need to have drama where you're dealing with altercations with the biological parent. I have a great relationship with my stepkid's father. Great relationship. We hang out, we see each other. People don't do that nowadays. I do not know why. They don't even want to get into it. And most of the time it's because of the mom or dad, the biological mom and dad, and the type of divorce that they go through or whatever happens there, that they have no intentions of having any kind of a relationship with the ex for whatever the reason. My wife and I have a great relationship with her ex and his wife. We hang out, we see each other, they've been here to our place, we've been there to their place multiple times, and we just realize that, hey, you know, these are our children together. And no matter whether you are a step or biological, you have to treat them as though they're your own, especially when you've been around them for as long as I have, and as long as many of you have. If you can't have a at least a decent relationship with the biological side on the opposite end, then there's going to be problems. I can assure you, there will be problems. So as a stepmom, a stepdad, a stepparent, I want you to dig deep and take a look, especially if you're going to become one or you a new stepparent. If you've been one as long as I have, uh, I think 2002, whatever the date is now, 26, you know, 2026. Yeah, it's it's simple now. We are a family. Those are my kids, my children, my grandchildren, all of the above. But for those of you who are new at this, I warn you now, make sure you take the time to get to know your stepchildren individually. That way, if there's some animosity between you and that child, especially if that child does not care much for you, you can take the time to build slowly a relationship. Don't rush into anything to try to force a good relationship. Build it steadily. Always make sure the mom and dad on the biological side help you understand more about them to move the relationship closer, especially if you're going to be married and you're going to become that stepparent. Get to know them collectively. One of the things that people won't do for some reason that I noticed early on in the relationship, they don't ask the stepchildren to go somewhere without the mom or dad. I didn't mind if my stepchildren wanted to go hang out, grab some pizza or whatever the case may be, to go somewhere without mom or dad. I was okay with that. That is something you can really do that really helps the situation because they're going to talk to you, they're going to ask questions, and then you may have some questions that you might want to know about them. What can you do better to make sure you have a really good relationship with your stepchildren that are now your children? Get it done, move fast at a good pace to make sure that you are ready for what you're about to become, and that is a stepparent. You know? And when I say move fast, I mean get yourself ready. Not push them, but get yourself ready. Think about what you need to do. Talk to those that have been step parents, those that are step parents, people that you know. They can give you some advice on becoming a stepparent. You'll be just fine. It may be some discomfort along the way. There are gonna be some touchy situations where you know you get tested. They're going to check you just to be sure. They're going to call you to get them out of situations that they're not going to call biological mom and dad. They're going to look for situations that benefit them because you are the new step parent, or you are the step parent, period, that's going to help them ease the situation with biological mom and dad. But I'm telling you, it is a great, great thing to be a stepparent. I have truly enjoyed it to this day. My stepchildren, well, my children have given me some beautiful grandchildren. We have a great time. We are a close-knit family. And I don't care what anyone says. If you are a stepparent, you can remove the step because you are a parent. Because if you have a great relationship with them, they're going to treat you as though you're their biological parent. And it is a wonderful thing. Now, with that said, in closing, thank you for your time. Thank you for those of you that are out there that are stepparents, stepmoms, stepdads, those of you that are about to become stepparents, stepmamas, stepdads. Again, I say it is a wonderful thing. You will enjoy it as it goes. There's going to again be some touchy situations and touchy times in there where you have to, you're going to be tested, and you have to just be prepared to move forward in the right way and be a parent. Remove that step when it comes to really difficult situations and become the parent. And you'll be just fine. Again, I'm your host, Greg Mack. You can catch me every Tuesday at 12 p.m. Pacific Standard Time at noon. And you can also catch me by going to YouTube live and catch me at that same time, or go to www.youbetterplan on the podcast.bursprout.com. Also hit that subscribe button, man. I'm telling you, I got good stuff ahead and I want to share it with you. And always remember the one thing you can do is having a daily plan, an effective daily plan, or a plan that takes care of you from sunup to sundown each and every day. And always remember a plan that succeeds is a plan that can fulfill one's need. Thank you. God bless you. Simplify. We'll talk soon. Rain.