The Leadership Paradox: Why Your "Yes" Might Be Failing Your Team

The most powerful word in your leadership vocabulary might be one you rarely use: "no." We've all heard that saying yes makes you a valuable team player, but what happens when your yeses slowly become nos to yourself? 

Leadership requires more than availability—it demands boundaries. Those boundaries aren't walls designed to keep people out; they're gates that allow you to choose what deserves your energy and attention. When you constantly say yes to everything, you're not being responsible; you're being reactive. And reactive leadership inevitably leads to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.

Many leaders fear that setting boundaries will make them appear weak or uncaring. The truth is exactly opposite: saying no when necessary demonstrates strength and clarity of purpose. Nobody wants a yes-person who agrees to everything without discernment. What people truly need are leaders who stand firm in their values and vision. This is why boundaries and accountability work hand in hand—you cannot effectively hold others accountable without first establishing clear boundaries.

The challenge is learning to say no with both clarity and compassion. This week, try setting one new boundary and holding yourself accountable to keeping it. Notice how it feels. Does it create more space for what truly matters? Does it help you show up more authentically in your leadership? As Audre Lorde wisely noted, "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation." In a world that pushes constant availability, remember that boundary-setting isn't selfish—it's essential for sustainable leadership.

Ready to transform your leadership through healthy boundaries? Connect with me on Instagram or visit livingbeyondaveragepodcast.com to continue the conversation and access more resources for your leadership journey.

Research-Informed Sources 

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.

Lorde, A. (1988). A burst of light: And other essays. Firebrand Books.

Murphy, L. K. (2025). Experiential Leadership Theory: Leadership Through Horsemanship. BAE Publications.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.

Chapters

• 0:00 The Myth of Always Saying Yes
• 3:16 Boundaries: Gates Not Walls
• 5:39 Real Leadership Requires Accountability
• 8:54 Reflection Questions for Leaders
• 14:02 Practice Saying No With Compassion
• 16:22 Self-Preservation as Leadership

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

They say, saying yes makes you a team player. But when you say yes to everything, you slowly begin to say no to yourself. Sometimes it's not even noticeable until it's almost too late. Effective leadership requires boundaries, and that means that sometimes you have to say no. Hey, effective leadership requires boundaries and that means that sometimes you have to say no even when it's uncomfortable for you.

Speaker 1: 0:38

Welcome to the Living Beyond Average podcast, where we challenge oversimplified cliches and simplify overcomplicated ideas. The information shared is grounded in truth, not opinion, facts, not assumptions. Today's episode confronts the myth that real leaders never say no. But let's be honest Leadership without boundaries is bound to lead to burnout. We'll explore why effective leadership demands setting boundaries and the courage to hold others and yourself accountable, and the wisdom to say no without feeling guilt. What if your inability to say no is the very thing that's hurting your leadership abilities? You see, I used to believe that being a great leader meant being available, making myself available for everyone, every request, every crisis and every favor. I say yes until until I was burned out. But I didn't realize it. But when I did, I realized that a leader who who says yes to everything eventually fails the people that matter most, because when we continue to say yes to everything, we hinder their growth.

Speaker 1: 2:51

I'm your host, lionel Murphy. I am an author, a veteran, a rancher, a leadership coach and a truth teller. I'm here to dismantle the truths that keep some of us stuck in what we'll call emotional confusion, and to also help whomever is willing and ready to come into the clarity of true leadership, both at home and at work. In our last episode, we explored the idea of delayed gratification, how growth requires emotional endurance and patience, but this week we're going to switch it up just a little bit. We're going to build on that truth, because patience alone means nothing if you don't have the boundaries to protect your space, your time, your energy and your vision. Know that I speak from my lived experiences. I am not speaking to you as a clinician, nor am I speaking to you as a medical professional. I am not speaking to you as a clinician, nor am I speaking to you as a medical professional. The information shared is not intended to replace professional counseling or therapy, so if you are experiencing trauma or mental health challenges, I urge you to please seek qualified professionals for care.

Speaker 1: 4:21

Our quote for today is boundaries aren't walls, they're gates. You choose what comes in and you also choose what stays out. Boundaries don't isolate. They are meant to protect. They aren't about rejection, they're about intentionality.

Speaker 1: 4:55

You see, in leadership, boundaries are, or could mean, the difference between reaction and responsibility. Reaction and responsibility, and sometimes being, if I'm being truthful, sometimes responsibility includes saying no, sometimes responsibility includes holding others accountable and also protecting the space for those things that truly matter. Our cliche for today is real leaders never say no, but always saying yes. It only makes you reactive, it doesn't make you responsible, it has a tendency to breed guilt, it can lead to exhaustion and it could eventually lead to resentment that is not outwardly expressed. You see, real leadership is not about appeasing. It's about alignment. It's about holding people accountable to themselves. Holding people accountable to themselves In alignment, it requires clear and firm boundaries.

Speaker 1: 6:26

So how does this look in a relationship? Well, the male leader, or the husband he becomes everybody's yes man because he knows that the family is leaning on him and he does not want to let them down. But inside he might feel empty and eventually he stops showing up, not necessarily physically, but just emotionally. Showing up not necessarily physically, but just emotionally. And it's not because he doesn't care, but sometimes it's because he's just burnt out. You see the wife she feels she may see the husband's efforts as, or see his efforts, but feel the absence. And we've talked about this in a couple episodes before too. You know, and it's not to say that the woman who might be acting as the leader in a certain relationship would feel the same thing and relationship would feel the same thing the emptiness, the exhaustion. Because being someone's yes man or yes, woman is not only emotionally taxing, it's physically taxing.

Speaker 1: 7:53

At Bay Ranch I had to teach a horse how to stop. The horse would over-respond to every cue because they were new and didn't know what I wanted them to do. Constantly moving, constantly trying to please, you know, but not knowing the answer to the question that I was asking. And this was done until the horse wore himself out. Fatigue set in. You could see sweating, you could see confusion, and people do the same thing, especially leaders. We move from one task to the other and we make one request then another until there's nothing left for what we were actually trying to accomplish.

Speaker 1: 8:53

Leadership, again, requires discernment and sometimes the most powerful leadership move is the pause In teaching. We call this thefortable silence. It allows for others to hold themselves accountable to themselves. To say no, not now, is powerful. Many men fear being seen as weak or unavailable or leaders, not even just men, but just leaders, whether it be male or female. They fear being seen as weak or unavailable because as a leader that's what a lot of lessons teach is that you make yourself available to your people. But that doesn't mean that you can't set boundaries, because setting boundaries is not selfish, it's actually a sign of strength. Nobody wants a yes man. They want leaders who can stand firm in their purpose and in their clarity and in their vision. Boundaries are what make accountability possible and again, it's uncomfortable sometimes, but we have to set boundaries if we want to stay healthy.

Speaker 1: 10:48

I've learned over many years is and what a family member told me was that the first order of business should always be self-preservation, because if you are not in a space where you are healthy and safe and sound, then how can you be of service or of any benefit to anyone else, or of any benefit to anyone else? So I would say that without boundaries, especially without accountability, you're not leading. You are a manager and not just a manager. You're eventually leading yourself into being a manager of chaos. Real leadership says I care for you, I empathize with you, I support you, but in supporting you I'm going to hold you accountable. I'm going to hold you accountable Because it's a failure for me to say yes to everything that you desire. So I will not sacrifice my integrity or my priorities to keep anybody comfortable.

Speaker 1: 12:13

So this week we have three reflection questions. One of those questions is what part of your life or leadership feels out of control and would you benefit from setting boundaries? Ask yourself that. Two are you holding others accountable for how they affect your time, your peace, your energy and how they might invade your space? Three where do you need to hold yourself accountable for overgiving, oversharing, over empathizing and over committing? Ask yourself those three questions and answer them. Three questions and answer them.

Speaker 1: 13:15

Your leadership practice for the week is say no to at least one thing. Say it with clarity, say it with compassion. I'll even venture to say say it with love, because, again, saying no is not a bad thing. Sometimes saying no is protection for yourself. Then, if you feel the need, write down your results. Then ask yourself did things fall apart? How did it make you feel? Did you feel more grounded? Did you feel more in tune with self. Did you feel more powerful in using the word no, because it's not about disrespect, it's actually about respect, respect for yourself. It's not about disrespect, it's actually about respect, respect for yourself. So just remember leadership without accountability can lead to chaos. It's just noise. Leadership without boundaries can erode a relationship.

Speaker 1: 14:42

This week, your challenge is a simple one Say no. Set one new boundary. Then I want you to hold yourself accountable to keeping that boundary. It's easy to fall back into some of the old habits and old patterns and old ways because of how we are so used to treating others and allowing others to encroach on our space and our time. But I want you to hold yourself accountable to keep that boundary that you chose to set, because every yes to someone else should not be a no to yourself or to your mission.

Speaker 1: 15:42

Before we break for the day, we have our Black Thought Leader for this week, and that featured leader is Audre Lorde. She was a Black feminist poet and civil rights activist. Poets and civil rights activists. Lord once said caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation. So, in a world that pushes overextension, just remember that self-preservation, through boundary setting, becomes an act of leadership, even in your own life. If you're interested in the references used to inform this episode, you can find them in the captions. If today's episode sparked something in you and you want to keep growing in your leadership journey, you can find more tools in real-time conversations at livingbeyondaveragepodcastcom. You can also connect with me personally over on Instagram at livingbeyondaveragepodcast. I'd love to hear what resonated with you with this episode, or any episode, and if you're ready to take your leadership to the next level. My book Experiential Leadership Leadership Through Horsemanship is now available on Amazon. Until next we meet, I want you to lead with integrity, ride with confidence and live beyond average.