Hello everyone, welcome to the Said in Therapy Podcast. Have you ever considered going to therapy and you ended up not going? My question is why? In my humble opinion, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. In fact, I believe everybody should go at least once in their life. My name is Iman Tohami, and I'm a psychologist. This podcast tells you all about everyday cases with everyday people who have everyday problems and difficulties, and sometimes they carry around really deep wounds. These are their stories.
SPEAKER_02So let me start with a story because a patient of mine told me something I cannot stop thinking about, and it has been a theme for at least four months now. People talking about the same thing in different stories in different scenarios. So she said, I don't even know if I can call it a breakup. It's more like I got erased. The thing is, when she met the person she was dating or having a situationship with, um, it was that type of connection that makes you believe love exists and everything is great and everything is magical, you know? What we see in movies. So there was everything you could think of: the good morning text, the goodnight text, the long voice notes, the lovey-dovey messages in between, the kind of attention we all want, right? I don't know. The way she described it, it was very strong, and she was very, very sure that this could lead to something very serious. They were going to dinners together, they even introduced each other to friends, they did events together. Um, basically the last step, and they talked about this, was to introduce each other to the families and then take it to the next level. And then out of the blue, one day, everything changed. The guy stopped sending long messages, suddenly he was always busy, and then sometimes he would even ignore her phone calls. Phone calls, generally speaking, became very short. He would always say, I have to work, I have to work, I have to work, you know? And then sometimes they would get ignored, as I said. So the interesting part here is basically it's more common nowadays because people forget how it used to be, you know. But the idea is this is how you start understanding that probably the other person is trying to ghost you. Okay, there was no fight, nothing dramatic happened, and there wasn't really something you know that she could pinpoint to say, okay, this happened, and now he's trying to get away from me. And also, she didn't have this famous conversation to have closure, you know, closure. Everybody wants closure. It's just like one day, poof, and everything was gone. And then one day she decided to give it one more try, and she asked him, Are you okay? I really miss you. And the response was, I just have been overwhelmed. That's it. Overwhelmed. That single word is where the story starts to really break your heart. Probably because you or someone you know has been going through it before. And yeah, because overwhelm is this this this modern word and it's just this dating word that becomes part of the vocabulary when you're dating. It's either overwhelmed or busy. And sometimes busy is just the first warning that you are about to get ghosted. Not because you did something wrong, but because someone doesn't know how to leave like an adult. So if you have been ghosted, left alone without any closure, slow faded out into this weird state of a breakout that doesn't make any sense, this episode is for you. Because we need to talk about what's happening right now. Dating isn't getting harder because you're unlovable. Dating got really hard because avoidance is the new normal. So, hi guys, welcome back to the Said in Therapy Podcast. Yeah, as I said before, let's talk about ghosting and how unsafe dating feels lately. So the most important thing is how can you, when you start seeing someone, stop yourself from taking everything personally? Especially when that someone suddenly disappears, detaches, or leaves. Because here is what people don't tell you. A lot of the modern breakups or ghosting situations don't end with closure, they just end with confusion. And this has been a theme for at least the last five to six years. So let's get into it. Alright, the dating scene. And this is something global, it's not something that is a local issue. However, I do believe that there are some places that have a local problem when it comes to dating, where it's basically manufactured. Dating is complicated, especially in this day and age, especially where privacy is becoming almost this impossible currency to get. Privacy is basically something that has become very rare. Everything has to be showcased right away and shown to the world and blasted to the world, what kind of gifts you got, what type of flowers you have gotten, and then there is Valentine's Day, you know, Valentine's Day is approaching. Why does it feel like everyone's love, but nobody wants to be committed? Why does it feel like everyone is replaceable? Why does it feel like the minute you ask for clarity, people vanish? And I think we have to be honest about this. Dating apps didn't just create convenience, they created a new mindset. When love is one swipe away, people start treating humans like options instead of relationships. You used to meet people through friends, family, community. There was a context around meeting people. There's a reputation, you could rely on the fact there are that there are friends or family members of someone, and you could actually relate to that and then find out for yourself if they are a good person or not. But the basis was there when you know that the people around them are decent. There was some type of accountability, especially when you met through a friend, met through a family member. But now you meet someone the way you order food, basically, or order your new jacket. It's a profile, photos, and then you look at them, and then you decide based on visuals if you want to meet someone or not. Modern dating turned into, you know, that retail state that replaced romance. People shop for love, like they're comparing products. And what happens when people have too many options? They stop working through this comfort. And discomfort is part of every relationship. They stop repairing when something happens, they stop staying when they feel it's too much, they start feeling overwhelmed, and then they decide, well, this is not something I signed up for. I don't want this. A relationship has to feel good at all times. But because when something really gets hard, the brain says to you, there is someone else out there. I don't need to do this. It's like this app you open and you shop for someone new. Not because the person you are seeing right now is evil, not because you know you don't like them as much, it's just because you are training your mind that there is always something better, something new, something more exciting. And ghosting, because of that, became very easy. Ghosting is basically emotional avoidance, and it gives you the opportunity to act like someone who isn't an adult, like children, basically. When they don't like something, they run away from it. So let's talk about the slow fate. Let's talk about ghosting that messes with your mind and brain. And I think ghosting, generally speaking, is not just a phenomenon in in dating. No, you have it everywhere. It's basically you apply for a job, HR reaches out to you, maybe you make it to the first step of the interview, and then you never hear back from them ever again. And you are the one who needs to ask for feedback. So it's basically this compass that we have. Everything needs to be fast. And if you don't hear back, it means basically it's a no. And when it comes to the dating art, especially, you start hearing things like, oh, sorry, I fell asleep. And that's valid. People fall asleep. You guys, I really need to put this out there. People fall asleep, okay? But then it is a repetition of like, oh, I have been busy, um, I'm not using my phone a lot at this uh at the moment. Oh, and this one is one of my favorites, I'm better texting. And literally it takes three seconds to write a short message message in the bathroom. So when someone tells you I'm better texting, don't buy it. Anyway, when you are trapped in this situation uh in a situation like this, you try to be understanding because you also think, okay, I need to give some space, I cannot be um desperate, I cannot check in all the time. But also when you say, I totally get it, when you make yourself a little bit too soft, what happened what's happening is you're watching someone quietly detach from you while you're pretending everything is just fine and great, and they will just be back. It just takes a little bit of time. The slow fade is the most violent kind of ghosting because it makes you doubt your own reality. When you are basically in a relationship or a situation that you attach some romantic feelings to, when it goes from great to slowly fading out, you start questioning yourself what you did wrong, what you could have done better, maybe you should give more space. When you keep thinking what could have been wrong, you also calm yourself down. Maybe I'm overthinking, maybe I'm too needy, maybe they're going through something, maybe I should just chill out. And while all of these thoughts are valid, you're basically also becoming the person you never wanted to be. You're always waiting, checking, maybe not going out with your friends anymore, rereading old messages, trying to match their energy. You know, if someone is not having a good time, you're trying to be around, lurking almost, waiting for the next message. And here is the reason why it hurts so much. Your nervous system can handle an ending, but it cannot handle uncertainty. Uncertainty is the real trauma of model dating because your brain keeps scanning. Are we okay? Does he still like me? Does she still think about me? Did I do something wrong? This is why ghosting feels like withdrawal. It messes with your dopamine, the intermittent reinforcement. They show up, they disappear, show up, disappear. It creates this type of addiction. The person who ghosts you often becomes more addictive than the person who loves you consistently. And that's the truth. And this is also why people start to spiral. It's not because you're weak, it's because your nervous system is really trapped in a loop. So back to the story of my patient that I talked to you about in the beginning. She texted him and asked, Do you still want this? And the response was, I don't know. Can you imagine? I don't know. I don't know is the most dangerous sentence in dating. Because it means I don't want to decide, but I still want to have access. And it's actually interesting in the most negative sense how people accept that. They stay, they wait, they soften their need, and then when the person eventually leaves, you also start realizing not only have they abandoned you, you also abandoned you. The breakup starts the first time you silence your needs to keep someone comfortable. And then eventually it happens, the final message comes, or maybe there isn't even a final message. I can't give you what you want, you deserve better, I'm overwhelmed, I'm not ready for this. And then actually, you must watch the person you spent weeks with detaching from you. And that's when you start asking, how did this move so fast from great to bad? They didn't move on fast, they disconnected early, you just didn't realize. They mourned you while you were still around. And that's why this breakup, this ghosting phase hit you like a truck. Because you were softening your knee around the fact that someone isn't ready. So I want you to understand something. A lot of people are dating while emotionally unavailable. Not because they don't want to love or they don't want to receive love, but because they don't want to have the commitment. They want connection with control, love without responsibilities, intimacy without emotional risk, attention without accountability. It's all of these things that are great in a relationship, but the hard part in a relationship they don't want. And modern dating is full of people who want to be loved but don't want to be known, don't want to be committed, don't want to be relied on. And what happens is when you get too close, too close to really knowing them and actually start expecting things from them, they start to panic, they run away, detach, they leave. And you see all of these ghosting mechanisms put into place to push you away as fast as they can without actually the confrontation of saying, I don't want this. It also means they do care, but they cannot handle it, so they run away. This is why breakups today feel like I don't even get a chance. And the reality is you didn't get a chance. You were dating someone who exits emotionally, internally, before they exit physically. Some people don't break up, they just move on. Here is a thing I actually want you to stop doing after ghosting, or breakups generally speaking. So if you are being ghosted or you have been going through the ghosting process because someone disappears, you start talking to yourself and start looking for the flaws in you. You start telling yourself, I'm not lovable, I'm too much, I'm never enough, I'm too scary to be around, I'm too much to handle, should have been cooler, I should have been calmer, I should have asked for less. All of these things, you know? Ghosting makes you think that you are rejected. But most of the time, you were just avoided. It doesn't make the situation better, but I want you to understand people ghost because they lack emotional skill skills, not because you lack in worth. And I really want you to let that sink in. People ghost you because they lack emotional skills, not because you lack worth. And here's another thing I want you to think about really deeply. If someone can disappear on you, they were never safe to be around. Not because they're bad people, not because they didn't love you or like you enough, because consistency and commitment needs to be learned. And if someone's nervous system can tolerate accountability, they also cannot tolerate partnership. A lot of people don't need a partner, they need healing first. So last but not least, I would like to leave with some type of blueprint. How can you date differently? I want you to think about this as something practical, even though it feels a little bit clinical. But think about this in a practical way. Because if you're listening, you're not here just to understand. You are also here to protect your heart. I want you to first, and this is really important, to stop dating potential. Potential is really a fantasy. I'm not saying that there aren't people with a lot of potential, but capacity is reality. A relationship doesn't need more chemistry, it needs more character and dating people with consistency, effort, clarity, and people who are actually able to repair when there is something broken, when they have emotional courage and when they sit down with you to actually discuss things and show emotional availability. This is capacity. Alright? Potential is not the profile you see someone having, the job they have, the potential future they might have. No. Capacity is more important than potential. So, second, watch what they do after discomfort. The real test isn't how they act when you're easy to be around. The real test is how they act when you have needs. If asking for clarity makes them disappear on you, trust me, you didn't ask for too much, you asked the wrong person. You need to stop glamorizing, being easy. You need to stop glamorizing, being calm and chill. Being chill has become almost a survival strategy, you know, being low maintenance isn't a flux anymore, trust me, because if you step into a marriage, let's say being someone who expects very little, that will also cost you your emotional safety. Last but not least, learn the difference between peace and being numb. Some people say they want peace, but all it means is I don't want to feel anything. I want to be numb. Detachment isn't healing. Detachment isn't healing. So I just wanted to end this episode with with my client and how the story ended. She said to me once, I keep thinking if I had just done better, they wouldn't have left. And I said no. If you more sil if you if you were more silent, maybe they would have stayed longer. Maybe it would have been more convenient to be around you. But you know what? Once real life hits and when you have a real problem, they would have left anyway. And this is not what relationships are about. You're not supposed to be uncomplicated. It's supposed to be there for each other, to have capacity for each other. And if you're grieving someone who ghosts you, I want you to repeat this. They didn't leave because I was too much, they left because they weren't enough. They didn't choose someone else, they chose avoidance. They didn't choose someone else, they chose avoidance. They didn't reject you, they just revealed themselves. And that reveal is really a gift to you, so you can start rebuilding your life and looking for the things that you really need. Your future needs clarity. I hope that this episode somehow helped you and somehow gave you a blueprint for how you're feeling right now, if you've been recently ghosted, or what you should do in order to find someone who really matches you. I want to make a part two of this, and I will call it how to find a real partner in an era of ghosting. You can find it next week. But until then, be gentle with your heart, don't be ruthless with your standards. We will also talk about standards because I also don't want you to obsess over standards and needs and everything. But for now, be gentle with yourself. Thank you so much for listening.
SPEAKER_00Hey, thank you so much for tuning in, and hopefully you will tune in again next week. It will be another episode talking to or about clients of mine, and you can find us on social media on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. The handle is always @saidintherapy. Thank you so much.