Hello everyone, welcome to the Said in Therapy Podcast. Have you ever considered going to therapy and you ended up not going? My question is why? In my humble opinion, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. In fact, I believe everybody should go at least once in their life. My name is Iman Tohami, and I'm a psychologist. This podcast tells you all about everyday cases with everyday people who have everyday problems and difficulties, and sometimes they carry around really deep wounds. These are their stories.
SPEAKER_02So hi everyone, how was your week? Welcome back to another Friday. You made it, it's the end of the week. I do feel really relieved that we reached the weekend. So yeah, today I wanted to discuss something with you that is or has been on top of my head for quite some time. Because for a while now, whenever I enter any call, really, or I have a new patient for an intake, it's nine times out of ten there is a problem that has to do with self-compassion and the inner critic. So I actually wanted to address it because I have never done this before and really break it down for you so you understand what the inner critic is. I'm sure you have heard and read some things about it because you know the internet is alive and there is always some information floating around. But I just wanted to put it into perspective for you and maybe give it a little bit more of a psychological insight that you can use and maybe understand and later on implement tools and techniques in your own life that give you like a toolbox that you can use when your inner critic is getting too hard. So, yeah, who is the inner critic? How can I best explain this? We all have an internal voice that comments on what we do constantly, it's always awake, it's always there, and for many of us, that voice is really harsh. To tone it down, that takes a lot of practice and a lot of awareness as well. You aren't, or I am, or no one. We are not really aware that the inner critic is actually talking to us, and we think that these are our own legit thoughts. Little do we know that we are conditioned to think like that, and this is why the inner voice tends to be somewhat of an enemy sometimes. You are not good enough, is one of the biggest things we all use at times, and I think to understand that is that this is the essence of what the inner critic is telling you, it takes some practice to really break it down and understand what the voice is actually telling you. Why can't you get anything right? Why are you such a loser? You know, all of these statements that we tell ourselves when nobody's listening. This voice, the inner critic, usually develops very early on in life. It might echo things we heard growing up from our parents, teachers, generally speaking, the society around us. And more often than not, the intention was to protect us or to push us towards success, but over time it turned into a constant source of shame and self-doubt. Your inner critic thinks it's keeping you safe, but really it's keeping you really small. So why do we listen to it? The inner critic feels familiar. It's often the voice of someone who has been very close to you. It convinces us that if we are hard enough on ourselves, we will improve. But what actually happens is we get stuck. We avoid trying new things, we disconnect from joy and we lose trust in ourselves. A client once told me something that really hit home. Something along the lines of quote unquote, I thought my inner critic was my coach. Turns out it was my bully. This line captures what many of us eventually realize. The harshness doesn't lead to growth, it leads to paralysis. I just wanted to dive a little bit more into how the inner critic develops throughout our lives. In many cases, if you break down the lines, like for example, I'm not good enough, it turns out that this is a feeling that you had when you heard someone talking to you when you were younger. For example, you were scolded because you did something wrong, or you were punished because you did something wrong, you did something that wasn't really good enough for the people around you. And when something like that happens, when a line like that is just randomly dropped, and most likely by a parent, it sticks. And it translates into I'm not good enough, I can make no one happy, everybody hates me. And sometimes it also leads to if I do better, I will be loved, I will be appreciated, I will be respected. So there are two aspects of the inner critic that we need to keep in mind. It is the feeling that we had when something was said to us over and over and over again, and how we reacted to it. Because in many cases, when we react to what was said to us and it worked out in some type of way, we believe that this is the go-to solution. But in many, many cases, as I said before, we overwork ourselves or we just people please, we just try to compensate in order to never feel that feeling again. However, this is the wrong way to do it. Now I want to tell you how you can deal with your inner critic. Self-awareness is the most important thing. If you're not understanding that what you're telling yourself is basically your inner critic, um some type of voice that has been building up inside of you over the years, basically recording every failure, every mistake you have ever made, and just shame that came along with it. If you don't have that self-awareness, it will be very, very hard to understand what the inner critic is actually telling you. And it always leads to shame. How do you deal with shame? Always, always with self-compassion. What is self-compassion? Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook or it's not laziness, it's not zero accountability. It's treating yourself the way you would like to treat a friend with kindness, patience, and understanding. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, talks about three core elements when it comes to self-compassion. First, self-kindness instead of self-judgment. Second, common humanity, remembering we are not alone in our struggles. Third, mindfulness, being present with our pain instead of suppressing or trying to ignore it. Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence, it's self-respect. I want to make perfectly clear that when you practice self-compassion, it makes you also very aware of where your mistake lies and it gives you more realistic examples on how to fix it that are not tied to shame, they are tied to a positive outcome, a positive improvement. And in some type of way, more often than not, it means growth. So, how do we practice self-compassion? Let's talk through some concrete steps here, and I think these are important because I realized throughout the years in therapy that people really don't have a concept of actionable items that they can use to actually learn what self-compassion is. In many cases, not only is the inner critic something you learned in your childhood, but also something that you didn't learn in your childhood that comes along with the inner critic is not knowing how to show self-compassion when something happens. A lot of us had parents, for example, that really didn't know how to reconcile or console us when something bad happened to us. In many cases, they said just move on, just do better, just work harder. And this is actually in many cases a recipe for a disaster. So again, how do we practice self-compassion? Step number one, notice the voice. I have said this before, awareness is really, really important when it comes to this. Catch your inner critic in action. What does it say? When does it show up? Write it down if you can. It actually helps when you give the inner critic a name. Many of my patients actually have a name for an inner critic, and it's always a name they actually really hate. So whenever it gets really hard, they say so and so has been talking to me and it's been really awful. So again, once you notice what your inner critic is telling you, ask yourself as a second step, what would you say to a friend? If a friend made the same mistake you just did, would you say what you're saying to yourself? Probably not. You would be much kinder, much softer in your approach and well, showing compassion. And then third stage, respond kindly, create a new inner voice that offers you understanding. You're doing your best, it's okay to make mistakes. Let's look at the mistake, maybe we can find a better solution. Force the connection, remind yourself everybody struggles, everyone struggles, and I'm not saying this so you feel better. I'm saying this because this is the most real thing that you will hear in a long time. Everyone struggles, you are not alone. It's very likely that someone who is sitting just right now next to you that you hardly know feels the exact same way about certain certain things in their life. Number five, practice self-soothing. There are a lot of negative ways to self-soothe. I will not get into those, but with some imagination, you will get what I mean by that. So, what is a positive way to self-soothe? Sometimes that looks like putting your hands on your heart and taking a deep breath or saying a comforting phrase out loud. Sometimes it's taking a bath, going for a run. Some type of distraction that helps you not only to process but also to not obsess over the negativity. Talk to yourself like someone you love. Your inner world will start to change. Why does self-compassion matter? When we shift our self-criticism to self-compassion, we create an inner environment where growth is possible. Instead of being driven by fear and shame, we are driven by care, by love, by new positive energy. We are more resilient, we are motivated, and then we also connect to others. I always say that kindness is not only for the people around you. Kindness first and foremost is for yourself. Because you cannot if you cannot show kindness towards yourself, you will burn out, you will become bitter. So yeah, thank you for joining me today on Said in Therapy. If this if this episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who might need it or save it for those really tough days. Maybe you might come back to it and listen to it again. Remember, you deserve the same kindness you give so freely to everyone else. Take care of your mind and your heart until next time.
SPEAKER_00Hey, thank you so much for tuning in, and hopefully you will tune in again next week. It will be another episode talking to or about clients of mine, and you can find us on social media on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. The handle is always @saidintherapy. Thank you so much.