Hello everyone, welcome to the Said in Therapy Podcast. Have you ever considered going to therapy and you ended up not going? My question is why? In my humble opinion, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. In fact, I believe everybody should go at least once in their life. My name is Iman Tohami and I'm a psychologist. This podcast tells you all about everyday cases with everyday people who have everyday problems and difficulties, and sometimes they carry around really deep wounds. These are their stories.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I know it's been a very long time. I last posted or published an episode. I don't know about you. The last year has been extremely difficult with everything that's going on in the world, and without going too much into details, I felt that any content that I could produce would not be appropriate, if you will. I held myself, to be honest, and I felt that posting considering everything that's been going on in the Middle East, it just didn't feel right. And I hope you understand. And yeah, anyway, it's 2025. I'm trying to start a new chapter. I'm back. Actually, to be very honest with you, today's episode is one I've been really eager to share with you. We are diving into the world of third culture kids. People who grow up navigating multiple cultures and often feel like they belong everywhere and nowhere at the same time. That's basically me. And especially the last few years, I felt that I need to explain this term a little bit more. As I have been traveling a lot and meeting a lot of people from different backgrounds, and I think it's very important for people to understand as this term is growing, and people who have this background are actually quite a few. And for you to understand when you're interacting with people like this, how you could actually address them, or if you are a person like that, that you can actually hear you are not alone with your struggles. This identity comes with a lot of challenges, but it also has a unique set of opportunities and chances. There is this aspect of managing feelings, of ruthlessness, to finding a sense of belonging in a constantly shifting cultural landscape. But most importantly, what triggered me personally is that I grew up at typical, by definition, third culture kid. And I also realized that a lot of people that I've met, especially when I travel to places where people don't really travel that much or have never lived outside their country, that they have a hard time placing me when they interact with me. For example, when I'm around Egyptians, most of you know that my parents are of Egyptian descent and that I didn't grow up in Egypt. And when I speak with Egyptians who mostly live their lives in Egypt, they have a hard time placing me as I'm mostly fluent when I speak Arabic. And when I'm around Westerners, obviously they can see the difference as my features and appearance is obviously not white, but when they hear me, and actually a lot of people have told me that, they get really confused. I'm talking about specific settings, not really day-to-day. I'm talking about work-related um settings or an academia, and especially when I speak German. So yeah, later in this episode, we will hear from my former patient, Zizi, and she's sharing her personal experience with us as a third culture kid. Her story is very complex. These emotions have been like a line, like a thread throughout her life, and she's still struggling with that. But I'm excited to integrate her point of view into our episode so you can have an insight into how people with multiple cultures to juggle feel and how they navigate their lives. So, yeah, in short, this episode is about third culture children, and I hope you're going to enjoy it. So, what exactly is a third culture kid? The term originally was coined by John and Ruth Useem in the 1950s. It refers to children who spent a significant part of their development outside the parents' home culture, whether they are children from diplomats, experts, military personnel, or in my case, or in many cases, especially in Europe, the children of migrants. Third culture kids often juggle multiple identities and they navigate their lives in different worlds. This is what it means when I say or when the term is used, third culture kids, because they're they generally create a third culture to fit into every unique setting they're facing, every unique situation they're facing. And it's a totally new and unique identity that blends elements of their home culture with the cultures they have lived in. It sounds really fascinating, but for the most part, it's really exhausting for the people who live in these settings. But it also creates a lot of opportunities and chances. But I will talk about this later. What is more important, I want to speak about the emotional and psychological challenges. Third culture children often report feeling very ruthless, very lonely, and caught between worlds. They may struggle to answer a simple question as where are you from? And I have that. Every single person who has ever met me, when they're asking me, Where are you from? I need to pause. And then, depending on who I'm addressing, my answer always shifts a little bit. For many, many, many of us, there is no easy answer. Psychologically, this sense of not fully belonging anywhere can lead to identity crisis, identity confusion, anxiety, and even depression. But it's not all hardship. I don't want you to look at this and think, oh my God, poor third culture children, because there's privilege in this identity as well. Third culture children also develop this great sense of being able to adapt and understand cross-cultural settings and have a lot of resilience. It's a mix of blessings and challenges that shapes who they are. Now, I would like to bring the voice of someone else into this who has lived this experience also very deeply. So I'm going to share with you a monologue with one of my former patients. Her name is Zaina, but she goes by Zizi mostly because, as she says, most times people had a hard time pronouncing or saying her name right. Her words are a window into a very emotional landscape of third culture children. So have a listen.
SPEAKER_00Not because I'm unsure, but because I'm all too aware of how much that question weighs. I was born and raised in the West. My parents came to escape war and chaos to give me a chance at something better. And I'm grateful, truly. But it hasn't been easy. In school, I was always the odd one out. I packed freshly baked pizza bread for lunch when everyone else brought Western sandwiches. My name was mispronounced so often that I eventually stopped correcting people. Just call me ZZ was my go-to reaction. It was easier than explaining. But there's something deeper, discrimination. It's subtle mostly. Like when I'd be the only one asked to prove my answer in math class, or the way store clerks would watch me a little too closely when I shopped, I remember being 16, sitting in a history class as the teacher spoke about Iraq. A map flashed on the screen, all red and shaded with conflict zones. My classmates turned to look at me. One even whispered, Is your family an ISIS? I laughed it off, but inside, I felt this deep, sinking shame, as if I was somehow guilty by association. To get ahead, I had to work twice as hard. I juggled academics, part-time jobs, and cultural expectations at home. My parents didn't understand why I couldn't just focus on school. You're in the West, that's say. You have everything. But they didn't realize how hard it was to navigate two worlds. At home, I wasn't Iraqi enough. At school, I wasn't Western and liberal enough, or progressive enough. It was exhausting, always having to prove myself in spaces where I was already seen as lesser. And then there is identity. Iraq is a huge part of me. Our language, the smell of cardamom in tea, the music that fills every family gathering. But the truth is, Iraq isn't my home. The few times I've visited, I was reminded of how different I am. My accent was wrong, my Arabic awkward, my behavior too Western. I don't belong there, and I don't entirely belong in the West either. So where do I fit? Who am I? When I moved to Dubai, something shifted. For the first time, I was surrounded by people who looked like me, who sounded like me. No one questioned my name or stared at my lunch. Dubai is this unique blend of cultures, a melting pot where being in between feels normal. I saw women like me, ambitious, juggling tradition and modernity. I stopped feeling like I had to hide parts of myself. I could be fully Iraqi and fully global at the same time. But even here, I know I'm still figuring it out. The struggle doesn't disappear. It just changes form. I still grapple with feeling enough. Enough for my family, enough for the world. But I've learned that identity isn't fixed. It's fluid, evolving as we grow.
SPEAKER_01She didn't want to have her voice out there because she didn't like to be recognized. And my friend Coco was so extremely kind to record this monologue for me that she has written for us. And I think she did beautifully. I should have her on this podcast more often. She's actually another very interesting person to talk to. Anyway, I'm here with the reflections and takeaways. As you know, or as you can hear, Ziz's words capture so much of what it means to be a third culture kid. The struggles, but yes, also the growth and the sense of possibility that comes from living across cultures. What stood out to me personally and something that I relate to is the inside about belonging. As humans, we often look for belonging in external places, a hometown, a community, a passport. But what if belonging isn't about geography or labels? What if it's about a feeling? What if home is not really a place? You know, there is this cliche saying, home is something inside of you, or the people you love, or it's not necessarily a place or a piece of land. And I feel that so deeply. I think for me, this is the most powerful takeaway. In multiple conversations I had, professionally and personally with third culture children, there are so many of us, but also, you know, the thing about third culture kids is basically they can blend into different societies and don't really stand out, but they do because they feel different. I would like us to continue this conversation. If you are a third culture kid, and if you ever felt like you don't quite fit in, share your story with me. You can reach out via email and I will link it in the description, or you can actually send me a DM on Instagram. I'm not always so good at responding, but I will definitely read it. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Said in Therapy. If you enjoyed today's discussion, please subscribe, rate, leave a review. It's always helpful to have a review. Remember, no matter where you are, who you are, what your culture is, what you call home, your mental health matters. Take care of yourself and we will speak soon again. Thank you.
SPEAKER_03Hey, thank you so much for tuning in. And hopefully you will tune in again next week. It will be another episode talking to or about clients of mine, and you can find us on social media on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. The handle is always @saidintherapy. Thank you so much.