Hello everyone, how are you? I really hope you all had a fantastic week. And today we are going to discuss the 9 signs of a toxic friendship. Friendships are a very vital part of human life. They're basically chosen family. But what if a friendship feels draining each time you meet or when people you should be able to rely on let you down too many times? If you wonder what a toxic friendship looks like, and you are interested in how to deal with it, then this is the right episode for you. But before we start, I am Iman Tohami. I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, and I started Said in Therapy to make mental health education more accessible and to unravel some of the stigmas around therapy. Okay, let's jump into the science of a toxic friendship, or any relationship really. But I really want to focus on friendships here because I believe we glorify friendships a little bit too much, and we believe how once we have a friendship, it is a relationship that we cannot leave. And therefore, many times we keep people around that actually are not good for us. Let me be clear about something. We all make mistakes, and this is not about a rigid, you know, rigid type of scorekeeping or pointing out every time someone has done something wrong to you. It is more about a pattern of behavior, first and foremost. So that means this behavior has to be repetitive and it has to be something that is always very in the forefront of the friendship and always annoying you. So please don't take this episode as a free pass to actually just nitpick on your friends or point out stuff that happened once or twice. It is very important that we make sure that this is a pattern of behavior that does not stop. You know, the fact that sometimes in subtle ways we all change, not for the better. And sometimes, and this is also very important, it is actually us who have become toxic. So keep that in mind. Okay, number one, if you feel overly anxious and insecure about seeing, meeting, or talking to a friend. I guess we all had that sometimes. You meet someone and then you feel overwhelmed spending time with them or you feel very drained. I used to call them energy suckers. And generally speaking, this is something that can take a while to notice. So I would suggest pay attention after meeting someone. Do you always feel overwhelmed or fatigued? Do you feel that you really don't want to see them anymore? Or do you really need a long time recharging after meeting them? If that's the case, then there is something wrong. The second sign. They never apologize. Or they say things like, I'm sorry you feel that way. But when you tell a person that you feel hurt by their behavior and they cannot apologize, it's a huge alarm sign, especially if you express your hurt very clearly. So if someone cannot apologize, keep that in mind. This is a huge alarm bell. Number three, guilt trippers. They're my favorite really. I learned to identify them very, very quickly, and I put an end to that very, very early on in my life. Guilt trippers are never good. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are guilt tripped into doing things you really don't want to do, you know, one of the most common examples is someone asks for your availability 24-7. Let's say they're sending you a text message and you don't respond right away because you're doing something else or you're talking to someone else, then they say stuff like, I have seen you online, why didn't you respond? Oh, I have called you, why didn't you pick up? You know when someone gets upset about you not being available right away, that only means your boundaries are not respected. Put that into account. Pay attention if you are doing the things out of guilt or because you want to. Number four, very obvious, but sometimes not considered enough. You stop trusting them. For whatever reason, you could have caught them talking badly about you or lying to you or they broke their promise too many times. If trust is gone, this is a real issue and must be addressed. Number five, it is a one-sided relationship. Meaning you're the only one investing, you're the only one putting effort into helping, meeting, doing, whatever it may be, if the relationship is one-sided, it gives too much room for resentment. And that's never a good place to be in. Number six, dreading communication with that friend. If you see a text or a phone call from a person and you're avoiding them on purpose, and more, you know, you only do that with them and no other person, because we also have to rule out depression. It is a clear sign that your subconscious is telling you that something is not okay. Number seven, they criticize you a lot. Now, I want to be clear, this is not about feedback or constructive criticism, which is crucial in a good relationship. They are aimed at helping you, improving, and be and to be the best version of yourself. If someone says something negative about you, or the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you walk, whatever it is, the may the way you behave, or constantly puts down your dreams and goals, it's all a clear sign that someone is not helpful. Instead, they're trying to put you down. Number eight. And this is to me a very serious one. It is backbiting. If someone is constantly talking negatively about other people behind their back, be sure that that person is also talking negatively about you when you are not around. This is not a good trait and must be addressed. And if they cannot change it, then you should consider not sharing too much with that person, but even better, not sharing anything with them at all. Meaning, you know, maybe cutting ties. Number nine, finally, last but not least, they don't respect your boundaries. This can have various forms based on your personal boundaries. But for example, I'm a slightly introverted person and I like spending time alone a lot. And if someone doesn't respect that and they're always overstepping, you know, it is very crucial for me to talk about it. Now, again, boundaries are crucial for a healthy psyche. And if they cannot be respected after pointing them out clearly, then trust me, those people are not your friends. Now I don't want to end the episode just like that. I want to offer you some ways on how to deal with friendships that are potentially toxic. Because if you like someone, if you love a friend very deeply and you feel that the relationship has turned toxic, I think we kinda owe it to the friendship itself and the time we have invested and spent with them that we at least try to address the things that we don't like and see what happens. So, number one, talk to them and give them the chance to change. And this is very important, time to change. So I don't expect you, you know, to talk about uh to talk to them and then after two days you just had enough. Give them time to change. It's very important. Tip number two, set boundaries and express them. Now I know it's not as easy as it seems or as easy as it make as I make it out to be, because trust me, even I have problems with boundaries. But if you really want to give a friendship friendship a chance, you must trust that expressing your need will not be a deal breaker. So set boundaries and express them. Number three, put some distance between you and them, and then regroup and approach the topic again. Giving yourself room to be less available will also give you, you know, time to think and reconsider certain things you have done in the relationship, and maybe you will come to a conclusion that this relationship is worth fighting for, or this relationship is basically not a good fit anymore. Please guys, I am not talking about ghosting. Ghosting is never good. But you can take time to be by yourself, reflect and think, and then get back to them. And number four, finally, cutting off that friend. I have cut off two very significant friendships in my life. And sometimes I miss those people, like truly, truly, truly miss them. And yet I will confidently tell you I don't want those people back in my life. If you feel things are not changing, boundaries are not respected, and you feel constantly overwhelmed, it is maybe time to cut off that friendship. I will say this is tricky because believe it or not, sometimes it's us who turn toxic. It is sometimes us who hold too much resentment because our expectations were not met. And in that way, also we can become toxic. Being in a toxic friendship doesn't mean that the other person is a bad person. Being in a toxic friendship means that sometimes two people who used to fit very well do not fit anymore. Also, you always have to consider the time you actually met that person and developed that friendship. We change over time. That means if you have a friendship that started 15 years ago, it's fair to say that 15 years ago you were not that type of person. And sometimes we change alongside each other, and sometimes we shift directions altogether. It is okay to say this is no longer a good fit. And I hope that you will listen in next week again. Alright.
SPEAKER_00Thank you so much. Hey, thank you so much for tuning in, and hopefully you will tune in again next week. It will be another episode talking to or about clients of mine, and you can find us on social media on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. The handle is always @saidintherapy. Thank you so much.