Hey everyone, how are you? It's been a while. Welcome back to Said in Therapy. And I just wanted to sit down today and talk to you a little bit. I think I again lets quite some time pass, and I wish I would be, I wish I wish I was more consistent. You know what I mean? The reality is um life is complicated sometimes, and I have been through a lot of ups and downs um on a personal level. But yeah, um, I also think that so much has happened throughout um the last weeks. And if you've been following the news, I'm quite sure that um in so many situations, you probably ask yourself why is this happening? You know, I live in the Netherlands, as you all know, I think by now, and it's hard to see how some countries are more privileged than the others. They're pretty much, you know, there are so many countries still struggling with the pandemic, and it's a real thing. And I've been thinking about this quite a lot. Like, how is it possible that some countries are almost all vaccinated, and then there are countries who are still dealing with outbreaks. So, yeah, that's quite heartbreaking. That's where my headspace is at. And as I told you, yes, I went through a lot of things on a personal level. It's all good, but it takes some time to readjust and you know, plan life differently if we can plan life anyway. So I wanted to actually talk to you about something that I get quite asked quite often. So a while back, I asked you to send me questions that I should answer in my podcast. And I realized most people who sent me questions were talking about heartbreak and breaking up, um, breaking a relationship basically, and how to get over that. If you are going through a heartbreak right now, heartbreak is hard, not only because your heart is literally aching. No, it's because it feels like a big loss, almost like a death. And the reality is that the brain doesn't distinguish or you know differentiates between if someone died or you broke up with someone and it's a true loss to you. The feeling is the same, the parts of the brain that are affected are the same, and dealing with these emotions shouldn't be any different. If you lose someone, it's grief, and you should allow yourself to grieve and go through that. You know, on a scale from one to, let's say, extremely bad, uh getting your heart broken is a solid, absolutely awful, you know. Most of us have been there at some point. Most of us were left wondering how to get over it. And while there is no you know, blueprint that works for everyone, and you certainly shouldn't avoid heartbreak because this also makes you heart and you know makes life not really enjoyable. But yeah, how do you get through something like that? And how can you actually start believing that you will be happy again at some point and maybe even fall in love again? If you're going through that, you may maybe don't see it, but yes, there is a possibility that you will fall in love again. Not a possibility, it's actually a promise. You just need to allow allow yourself to walk through the waves and up and downs. So, my first tip for you would be allow yourself to feel your feelings. I always talk about this, but especially when somebody breaks up with you, you're going to feel a flood of emotions. It's like trauma, it's a shock to your system. And you know, if you have been with this person for quite some time and they took a big portion of your life, your day, so they took space in your life. You really need to learn how to be gentle with yourself and to allow yourself to feel your feelings. After all, your feelings are there for a reason, and they can help you to, you know, move through difficult experiences, but you need to release them. In the days following a breakup, allow yourself to cry, acknowledge that you know it's basically a breakup, avoid denial as much as you can, because sometimes there is still hope that the relationship can still be mended, but you have to really take a rational look at the situation. And if you see this breakup is not mendable, avoid denial and make yourself comfortable with the truth and accept it. So if that means for you that you have to cry and scream and yell and journal or do whatever you need, do it because it's important. So I also want to tell you, and this is probably the second tip: don't become your feelings. Sometimes breakups can make us very bitter. And even though it's important to express your feelings, it's also important to stop for a short time and breathe, you know. Just allow yourself to take a break, be distracted if you need. So if you need to be sad, be sad. But you know, don't allow yourself to be sad by yourself for a very long time, because this can also cause different problems that you cannot anticipate in the minute where you feel so miserable. So try to go out, have a walk, meet friends, talk to them about it, you know, treat yourself to a good meal. Uh, you know, practice self-love. So self-love is not only, you know, spa treatment. I always say that all the time. So if you feel that self-love at some point is basically, you know, taking your car and doing a road trip, then do that. If um self-love is reading a good book, then you should absolutely do that. Allow yourself at least 60 minutes a day to do something differently, other than just being miserable. So don't allow yourself to be your feelings. Feel them, but don't become your feelings. The third point is, and it's probably the hardest thing for a lot of people, because I hear this all the time, but you cut off communication with your ex. You actually go through withdrawal symptoms after a breakup breakup. It's much like a drug. And if you break up with someone, you will have withdrawal symptoms. The feel-good hormones you get from your partner are just suddenly gone, and then you're sitting there actually craving to have these feelings back. When your partner is no longer there, you start to crave those feel-good feelings, and the hormones are all over the place. So you will do a lot of things that are actually counterproductive, like texting him or her, um calling them, you know, just to see where you stand and maybe get yourself that affirmation that you're craving that maybe they're struggling to, that you feel still loved by them, and all of these things. So if you don't cut off the communication with your ex, you will find yourself stuck in the relationship, even though you're no longer in the relationship. Cutting all contact in the beginning is very healthy. It allows you to break your attachment and it also allows you to reinvent yourself in a way, redefine yourself to find out where you stand in life and what you want to do from now on. The fourth tip would probably be find a support system. Good friends are so important, you know, talking with your friends, you know, and discussing how you're feeling and you know, maybe going out with them a lot. Just, you know, be available when they want to do something with you, if they want to call you. Certainly not all the time. I'm not telling you, you know, force yourself to have a conversation with someone when all you can think of is cry, but maybe you can find someone you can cry with. It's so important to feel supported. So reach out to your family and friends, and even your therapist. So if you're going through a hard time because of a breakup, make sure you find people to talk to about it. The fifth tip is, and this is actually very important, other than going out, going for a walk, try to exercise. You know, breaking a sweat may be the last thing that you want to do, trust me, I know, but it really helps. The hormones produced during exercise will help you get through the withdrawal symptoms post-breakup. And also it will build confidence, you know, because if you're feeling that your body is strong, listen, it's not about losing weight or changing the way you look, it's all about feeling strong and having energy, and that really, really, really helps. So, yeah, I think the next thing that I want to say is remember what was awful. Remember what sucks in a relationship. A common response, you know, post-breakup is to idolize the other person. Write a list of all the negative aspects of your partner and also write down while the relation why the relationship actually ended. This mental exercise helps you to counterbalance all the obsessive thinking. And, you know, it makes you experience the breakup a little different because you're putting a lot of effort to you know bring back the rational side that will basically help you to process the breakup. It's absolutely normal that you will miss your acts, but also remember what you will not miss. And then, of course, take care of yourself. Every expert, I know, psychologist or not, experts in heartbreak or not, everyone will tell you take care of yourself. And as I said, taking care of yourself is not going to a spa spa, doing your nails, doing your check with yourself throughout the day and ask, okay, what do I need? And maybe it's a healthy salad salad, maybe it's a phone call with your mom, maybe it's going out for a walk, maybe it's journaling. You know, you need to find a space where you can actually ask yourself, hey, what do you want to do? And then you can give it to yourself. It's really important. Also know that feelings of rejection diminish when your self-worth is, you know, re-established or rebuilt. Because, you know, also when a relationship ends, self-worth can suffer a little bit. But when you validate yourself and affirm yourself and give yourself what you need, you're also working on your self-worth. I think what's also important is don't judge yourself if three months after the breakup you're still not over it. The length of your healing process is not really important. The important part is that you go through it. A lot of times people are like, oh, it's been six months, it's been almost a year, I'm still devastated. But you know, um, there is no rule of thumb. You cannot say you have been for uh three months with a person, it will only take you a month to get over it. It doesn't work like that. So, whatever time you need, give it to yourself. But also change the narrative, you know. If if you you always go back, look at this relationship, and you see it as the best thing that ever happened to you, you will have a hard time getting over it. This is why you also need to understand how to have a very realistic lens on the relationship and why it ended. So, yeah, I think the next tip would be don't internalize the breakup in the aftermath of a difficult, very difficult split. And avoid thinking, am I good enough? Is there something wrong with me? Because, you know, let's face it, we all do that in some way, but instead, you know, try to find a problem in the relationship because it always takes two to tango, you know, it's not only you in the relationship, it's also them. And it's important to realize why the both of you didn't work. Once you change that lens that I've been talking about and you look at your relationship in a very realistic way, identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors. So if you find yourself clingy, if you find yourself avoiding the other person, you know, all of these things are very important to understand. Understand any impulses you might be having, like texting your ax, checking their Instagram every hour, or you know, replaying every situation, every fight that you ever had, all of these things are very important to identify and that you actually tend to do these things and then try to change the behavior. It's not only about identifying what went wrong in the relationship, where you went wrong and what you could change, it's also your behavior in the breakup. Because let's face it, if you're checking Instagram at all times just to see how they're doing, if they're happy or not, you're basically still in the relationship in your thoughts. And this is a behavior that you need to change. As hard as it may seem, don't cyber stalk your acts. And then also, as I said, when you break up, it's almost like something huge is taken out of your life. So you have to create new routines for yourself. Let's say every morning you received a good morning text and a good night text, and you had several phone calls throughout the day, if not met every day. All of these things need to replace some with something else that you do by yourself for yourself. So you don't have this void where you actually, you know, fall back into thinking, oh, usually I would go out for lunch with um for lunch with them. So create new routines for yourself that may help you to get through the day. And also, you know, explore old or maybe new interests. Maybe you had a hobby that you, you know, neglected because of the relationship, because especially in the beginning, you want to spend as much time as you can with the other person. So if you were into sports that you haven't done in a long time, pick it up again. If you were playing an instrument, pick it up again, or maybe try something new. Maybe you always wanted to learn piano, so take some lessons. This is something good to do, especially you know, to occupy your mind and give yourself a new routine. So pick up all the new interests, it's very important. The next tip would be accept that closure is something you may need to find on your own. So let's say for some reason your relationship ended on really bad terms and you ended up, you know, not in a good place together, and you feel that your ex is actually owing you an explanation and he's not willing or she is not willing to give it to you. It's very important for you to find closure by yourself. Because sometimes the other person is not even able to give you closure. If your former partner couldn't explain the reason for the breakup, create your own healthy narrative. And if that isn't enough to provide closure, consider talking to a therapist. Also, if your breakup triggers thoughts and feelings about other losses in your life and you're having a hard time processing it all, definitely try to seek help. So I think last but not least, I would like to say if at some point you decide to start seeing someone else or meeting someone else, getting to know someone else, do this slowly and with a lot of caution, not because of the other person and the fear that they might hurt you again, just because you need to understand if you're ready or not. Rebounding is a really, really, really, really common thing. So if you think you just got out from a relationship and you instantly fell in love with someone else, chances are that you're actually having a rebound. And this is not fair for the other person as well. Trust that the pain won't last forever. You know, it is a no-brainer, of course, but I still feel that this is something that I need to say all the time. You know, down the road, let's say in two or three years, you might look back and actually think, oh wow, this is the best thing that happened to me. Not because the person was bad, just because you learned so much, or maybe, you know, this relationship helped, whether it is professionally or personally personally. I know a lot of people who actually moved countries because of their relationship, and then the relationship stopped, and they still, you know, stayed in the country they are in and found themselves in a much, much, much better place just because they have changed their environment and changed the living standard after they moved, right? So it's not always bad when a breakup happens. Sometimes when you look back, you can say, Oh, you know what? I met this person for a reason. And finding meaning, having this narrative in your mind can actually really have to work through all the emotions that the breakup brings. So yeah, I hope that's helped. Um, I will try as much as I can to be consistent. Forgive me, forgive me if I'm not. It's actually very difficult lately, but I promise soon I will have more time and I will record more often. And until next time, thank you so much for listening. Hey, thank you so much for tuning in. And hopefully, you will tune in again next week. It will be another episode talking to or about clients of mine, and you can find us on social media on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. The handle is always @saidintherapy. Thank you so much.