Hello everyone, welcome to the Said in Therapy Podcast. Have you ever considered going to therapy and you ended up not going? My question is why? In my humble opinion, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. In fact, I believe everybody should go at least once in their life. My name is Iman Tohami, and I'm a psychologist. This podcast tells you all about everyday cases with everyday people who have everyday problems and difficulties, and sometimes they carry around really deep wounds. These are their stories. Disclaimer, the following episode discusses suicide attempts and might be triggering for some people. Full disclosure, I was trying to get away with the fact that I didn't post an episode last week. But many of you noticed, and I found this very sweet that so many people are actually expecting episodes now. It humbled me in a way, and I want to tell you how grateful I am. So back to the initial question. How are you? You know, that question always meant something to me. As I grew older, I started and started traveling a bit more. I learned that how are you's are used as greetings sometimes. And in a way, it always disturbed me. But also, there are those moments where the question is being asked in a way that it doesn't leave much room for anything other than fine. Are you fine? How are you really? I find myself asking myself this question lately, and I'm not sure how to respond to it. So, with this episode, I want to fight the urge to give in the narrative of toxic positivity. Sometimes things aren't fine, and that's okay. And it's okay to talk about it. So, again, how are you really? Happiness is a choice. I'm sure everybody heard that before. Don't get me wrong, to some extent, I really believe that a positive outlook on life is a choice, especially when it comes to gratefulness. But what I notably realize is the fact that all those happiness mantras are sometimes hijacked and used to shame and isolate people. And if I'm being honest, it has become very toxic. Well, raise your hands if you have heard any of those phrases before. Only good vibes. Be happy. No drama, please. Everything happens for a reason. Just be positive. I have to be honest. If those phrases are used in random conversations I hear, sometimes I have to fight the urge to intervene. In most cases, I'm actually very successful at this. I know they are often spoken with good intention to be helpful and kind and encouraging, but they often are the complete opposite. Toxic positivity is completely minimizing and dismissing some of the most painful and difficult emotions. Please understand that part of being human is struggling. And I'm guessing if you are here listening to this podcast, you have some burden you carry at the moment. But here is what I want you to understand. As unpleasant and painful those emotions are, they are important. Toxic positivity is generally cutting the lifeline of those emotions and forces them to hide under the surface. And that can be very dangerous. It keeps difficult but yet very important emotions bottled up until that bottle is full and then it explodes and leaves you with all kinds of mental struggles and anxiety, for example. So if you use toxic positivity with people or even yourself, because that's what you're constantly fed through social media and other outlets, I'm sure you don't mean that. But you are shaming and blaming that person or yourself. So how do you know if your positivity is toxic, whether you use it against yourself and self-talk or direct it to someone else? Because we all can agree, nobody wants to be negative or even radiate negativity to the surroundings. So where's the fine line between realistic and toxic positivity? The general rules are it is overly simple. I'm a huge fan of simplifying life, cutting off noise that hurts you, or changing habits that aren't beneficial. But if you say to yourself or others, just think positive, doesn't that sound too easy? If it was that easy, I would be out of a job. So you see, you cannot simplify individual stories without understanding them. Sure, there can be ways to simplify life and access to emotions, but this phrase isn't one of them. Then I would say if the phrase or self-talk doesn't leave much room for pain or emotions, such as, I don't have time for this right now, or happiness is a choice, just move on. It's almost like you force those emotions to suffocate. Trust me, the only way to truly get over emotions is to walk through them. And yes, that absolutely sucks. Last but not least, when you use all or nothing phrases that include words like everybody, nobody, always, never, these things isolate. It almost gives the sense that feeling certain things is abnormal or wrong. Those examples are very subtle, but they are examples on how toxic posity can look like. We discussed it a couple of times, and in the end we agreed that this was a better choice for her. We first met in the beginning of 2014. She was twenty three at the time, and she grew up in the United States, but relocated to Dubai with her family a couple of years prior to that. Her mother discovered a suicide note while cleaning her room. As you surely can imagine, she was devastated. She didn't understand why her daughter would want to end her own life. Here are a few words of the suicide note. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. Please forget that I existed. I know you all meant well, but I cannot do it. The case of Nancy is especially tricky because she comes from a very religious background. That way toxic positivity got a new nuance that didn't seem obvious for many. But I will get to that later. The life event that seemingly set everything in motion for her was the fact that she wasn't able to graduate. After six months of sessions, we broke it into three aspects. Self-loathing, not feeling understood, couldn't identify the life advice from people around her. You see, Nancy's parents were especially religious and even active members of their community. So whenever she approached them with a worldly problem, the conversation ended in a phrase that highlighted God's divine impact and that she should trust whatever he had written for her. For Nancy, this created a great sense of disconnect. She wasn't able to talk to her family, nor her friends, who often forwarded motivational videos about failure and how to get over it. Get over it. That was basically the message. And the more Nancy listened to these phrases, the more she felt isolated and that something was wrong with her. The less she was able to truly speak her mind and share her emotions, the more she felt lonely, misunderstood, and worthless. In our sessions, I found out that she attempted suicide twice. Fortunately, it didn't work out. But also because she was so determined to succeed that nobody ever knew. So it wasn't a way to get attention. I won't share more at this point, but know this that one note her mother found was already five weeks old. And her latest attempt had failed. What really helped Nancy was to understand that she wasn't alone in her feelings. And that there were actually people out there who struggled the same way and couldn't get over their own feelings. Just like her, they just couldn't move on. Nancy and I took a deep look into what was going on. One time Nancy invited her parents to be part of the session. That session was for all of us very educational. Not only had the parents faced their own shortcomings, but also came to the realization that yes, religion greatly helps when you connect to it, but does cause a lot of harm when someone is drifting away. It was an invitation for them to rethink their approach and help their daughter understand what they really meant without simplifying it. Please understand I'm in no way, shape, or form saying that religion is harmful or wrong. Again, it is a very powerful tool and often used in therapy if and only if the patient is open to it. But I can say it's also potentially dangerous if generalized without listening to the real struggle human beings have. Nancy and I concluded the therapy in summer 2015. So almost a year and a half later. No, Nancy did not fall out of religion. In fact, she was one of those patients where it could be used to help her to recover. But she gained a deeper understanding for it when she was being heard and appropriately advised. And that was a group effort, first and foremost, by her, her family, and close friends, and by myself to help them navigate through these dark times. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed the episode so far. If you have any questions or suggestions, please don't hesitate to reach out. You can find me on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. The handle is always @saidintherapy.