Wired to Stay the Same: The Neuroscience of Why Change Feels Like Danger

You’ve read the books. You’ve set the intentions. You want to change. So why does part of you keep pulling back to the familiar — even when the familiar isn’t working?
In this episode, we go beneath the mindset layer and into the body, exploring what neuroscience actually reveals about why change feels so threatening. We dig into the survival patterns your nervous system developed — often in childhood — that were brilliant adaptations at the time. They kept you safe, helped you belong, helped you cope. But those same patterns can quietly run the show in your adult life, keeping you contracted, guarded, and far from your fullest expression.
We talk about what’s really happening in the brain and body when you try to transform, why willpower alone almost never works, and what actually creates lasting change — hint: it starts with safety, not strategy.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re working against yourself, this one’s for you.

Holos Healing: 30 Days of Somatic Meditation: https://darci-burke.mykajabi.com/offers/FXbMNHJ7/checkout

@safe2bseen

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Transcript

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It's extremely emotionally expensive and exhausting when you begin to realize all of the ways in which you self-abandoned through these patterns that you employed brilliantly and lovingly your nervous system, your body employed these patterns to keep you safe, as we've already discussed. But when you get to a point in your life where you see very clearly those patterns and how actually they were ways in which you were self-abandoning, that hurts. And also, like when you start to realize that because of those patterns and those limiting beliefs and those insecurities and those fears governing your life, as you said, creating this prison, these prison walls that you created, you built them. It's really, it's very difficult. You have to feel the grief of a life unlived or maybe half-lived. It hurts when you wake up to these things and you see yourself, maybe for the first time, and you're like, damn, it's the sadness, the grief, sometimes even the anger of like the ways that you self-sacrificed and self-sabotaged and self-abandoned and did all the things in an effort to maintain connection. So much of our lives are shaped by scripts we never consciously chose patterns around love, success, safety, and belonging. And at some point, those scripts stop working. What once protected us starts to limit us. Safe to be seen is a space for honest conversations about that moment when your body knows it's time for something new. We talk about what it means to build safety first, so growth, intimacy, and expansion don't come at the cost of yourself. This podcast is about updating outdated identities, softening survival patterns, and learning how to stay present through change. We're Darcy and Brandon, and this is Safe to Be Seen. You know, I remember at a point in our healing journey when both you and I were transforming individually and trying to also maintain connection in our relationship and like allow our marriage and our relationship to also transform, it was very difficult. And um, I remember there were several occasions when there were changes occurring, let's just say, that I observed in you that were very obviously beautiful and positive and good. Um for example, you reconnecting to your body, you rediscovering your sensuality, you know, things like that. That at the same time as seeing that those are beautiful and parts of you that I long desired, finding a way to sabotage it, to fight it, because it felt so uncomfortable at the same time. And so today we're gonna talk a little bit about um why is it so damn hard to change? Why? Why is it if you if you know that if you could just live your truth, if you could just live authentically, if you could just break through the resistance that you feel to change, if it were easy, if you could just do it at the snap of a finger, or by making a decision in your mind that that's what you're gonna do, wouldn't everybody do it? But it's not that way. It's it's extremely difficult to individuate, to transform, to evolve, to rewire, to let old patterns die and new patterns emerge. It's so, so hard. And in discussing this today, I want to lay the framework for our listeners that this is not another of many discussions simply saying, yeah, change is hard. We're gonna talk about why it is very specifically, and I want to lay the framework from the standpoint of um you know, it's so easy to look at patterns that have been around for a long time that something happens in your life that shines a light on those patterns or expands your awareness and consciousness around those old patterns. And so you have you gain this awareness of them, and they're no longer being useful to you, no longer serving, of you having that you have that awareness, and that's beautiful, that's that's the first step, but that doesn't mean change. Why it's so hard to change, why you can't just take an awareness of a pattern that no longer serves you. It's it may in fact be destructive or be causing disconnection or be causing disease. But your awareness alone of that pattern is not enough. And it's just it's really important to understand that um like what I had to learn, Darcy, was that the reason that those old patterns are so hard to rewire or to let die is because they actually are the ex the very thing that kept me safe. They are the very patterns that I very strategically and brilliantly, although unconsciously, created to allow myself to feel approved of, connected to other people, or valued by other people, or seen as important. All these patterns in my life I realized they served a purpose. And so it's so important to understand that you're not you're not able to do this work simply by gaining awareness of it and thinking your way through it. And I think the first step is understanding that those patterns were very, very protective. They had a role, they they served a purpose. Usually the purpose of our our patterns that we create are to help us to maintain some sort of connection. And um, in doing so, oftentimes the pattern involves some sort of um self-abandonment, some sort of giving up something of yourself in order to maintain that connection. Yeah. But I just wanted to to lay like the foundation of of today's episode in the the fact that you have you have to realize that those patterns are difficult to to change because they were actually very protective to you and they kept you safe at one point. And so if you would, Darcy, now I'd love with your expertise uh on the nervous system and neuroscience, just talk a little bit about that and like what's going on with the wiring of our nervous system and the creation of these patterns. And then all of a sudden there comes a point in life where, like I said, something usually it's suffering, right? Shines a bright light on that pattern and shows you, okay. Guess what, Brandon? Yes, you needed that, you needed to overwork. You needed to prove yourself through your performance. You needed everything to be perfect for you to feel like you were okay and you were worthy. For a long time, you needed to do that. But there came up there there came a point where I realized I don't I don't need to do that anymore. And then the real work begins in rewiring those those patterns. Can you just talk a little bit about that? Yeah, for sure. It is so difficult. And it's so difficult because you're not just changing behavior, you're changing neural pathways, predictive coding, nervous system states, and identity. Like those are the things that have to be changed in order for real transformation to like truly last and to truly stick. So again, like I've used this comparison before. I can't remember how many episodes have passed, but if you compare your nervous system to like the electrical wiring of a home. So if you were to like strip down the outside of the home and just expose all of the wiring throughout the house, that keeps the home running, keeps the lights turned on, the alarm system, like your home would not function if it didn't have this electrical system running, running through your home. And if you were to like go in and let's say you wanted to completely remodel a home and update it, you would have to go through all of those hundreds. I remember in that one house we built, like going down to that closet and looking at all of the bundles of wiring that was running our home. It was massive. If you wanted, we if a hundred years down the road somebody wanted to come and remodel that house and change all that wiring, it would be so expensive. One, it would take a long time to do all that. Your nervous system is so much like that. The the internal wiring of your home is like the internal internal wiring of your body. When you are rewiring toward a new way of being, it's energetic energetically expensive. So it's exhausting for one. And it takes time that I think a lot of people don't have patience for. They start the process of transformation and and like beginning, it can feel like exciting and like, okay, we're doing this. And then like something hard hits, like that resistance comes up, and they're like, okay, this is this is too hard. And I just want I want people to know that it makes sense. This is not an attempt to like judge or shame anybody. There's actual like neuroscience behind why that is, and which we're going to talk about. But yeah, it's because you're you're changing much more than behavior. People can change behaviors every day, but like true transformation is so much more than that. Like literally changing your very being, not just what you do, but changing your very essence of who you are. So your nervous system is, like you said, wired to keep you safe. And what's safe to the nervous system is familiar. So when you go to step into a new pattern or you go to step into a new way of being or changing a belief about yourself, your nervous system isn't going, oh my gosh, this is so exciting. Like we're doing this, we're changing. Your nervous system is going, no, this is not good. This is scary. This is unfamiliar. So you self-sabotage, you feel extreme amount of anxiety. You want to go back to that, those protective patterns, those survival patterns that even though they didn't feel good at the time, it's what is familiar to you and your system. And those patterns serve to um the the tricky thing about patterns and behavior that don't service is that they take an edge off of discomfort for just like a temporary moment, you know? It's like that dopamine trick of like, so it tricks your brain into thinking like this is actually working, this is actually keeping us safe. And so when you go to change that, it's like your brain is just, it's not there to keep your brain is it wasn't created to keep you happy. It was created to keep you safe and it wants to stay with what is familiar. It wants to expend the least amount of energy possible. And changing requires a lot of energy going toward creating new neural pathways, updating your nervous system state, um, rewiring your entire identity. It's very energetically expensive. And your brain works based upon based upon what's called predictive coding. So when your brain, when you're experiencing something, your brain goes, What information do we have on this? Like it goes to the data, your database in your system. It's like, what information do we have about this? And it uses that information to predict the future. So you're just that's why you keep on repeating behaviors that you don't want to do. Because your brain is like, we've this is what we've done in the past. Let's just keep doing that again. Um, so it's like a this like mind trick, like, you know, yeah. Of you literally like you want to talk about like mindset overcoming your mind, you know? Yeah. Um, that's why it's so hard. It's it's it's it there's neuroscience behind it. Yeah. And how magnificent is it though, that we have these bodies and the these brains that are able to do that? That you can literally create a new neural pathway. Yeah, neurotasticity has been proven scientifically. It's like, no, you can literally create new neural pathways. You just have to, you have to, you have to understand why it's so difficult. Like what is going on? What is going on that makes it so I can't just make a decision about it. But it's like, no, you're stuck in this loop, but it keeps happening. And um, you know, like for example, what I referenced earlier about like you almost sabotaging the very thing that you you want, but because it's so unfamiliar to your nervous system, it screams danger, danger, danger. And you might be able to be like, no, no, no, this is like this isn't danger. But you feel the danger. You feel your mind knows, but your body's like telling you otherwise. You literally feel like you're you're being chased by a tiger. Yeah. And that's also why, like, I think if you're an aware person, there's a lot of aware people out there. We have so much information out there, so many books, podcasts. Like, if you're not aware of yourself by now with all the information we have out there to be able to do that, I don't know what to tell you. Like awareness is is one thing. Yeah, awareness is one thing. But I think it's even more frustrating to be aware, but not know how to change. Oh, yeah. That's that's that's torture. Because it's like, no, I know, I know that I'm showing up in this way, but I literally don't know how to get my body to like move forward and to like do what I want to do. I felt that. I felt that in moments where my perfectionism is exposed, where something happens that's not that big a deal, but it's it's just enough similarity to like making me feel like if I can just make this perfect, then I am I am good. I am acceptable, I am a good, strong, worthy husband and father, and like I am everything to all people if this can just go perfectly. And then one little thing comes in and like wrinkles it up, or like one little tiny bump in the road, and I feel that that pattern wanting to resurface. I feel it. And uh it's a matter of recognizing that that pattern it had use at one point, yeah, it kept you safe, but then um it's knowing that it's not it's not a matter of just mindset, change, you know, being you know, having having having awareness and then deciding in your mind, okay, I'm gonna change. I'm not gonna not gonna worry about things being perfect anymore. Things don't need to be perfect, big deal. No, when you're in that just natural lived experience, whatever it may be, and something pops up that makes your thing not perfect anymore, you feel it. Yeah, you feel it, and and and it's all about knowing how true and lasting change occurs in that pattern. Yeah. And so that you don't just keep repeating and staying stuck in that loop of in this example for me, letting that one little thing derail the whole day or ruin the whole moment because one little thing didn't go perfect, you know. Yeah. And your nervous system is it it's the operating system of your body, it determines your perceptions, your feelings, your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors. Your beliefs. Yeah. Everything, your entire lived experience is being operated from your nervous system. And it's subcortical, meaning it's below the head. And so when people are trying to change their life just through thought and thinking and mindset, you can't like I think people can like change a behavior through like willpower and like just, you know, like, but that is forcing, yeah, and that is overriding the body, which ultimately you're just going to create more dysregulation. And it just it it causes relapse. Yeah. I see a lot of relapse with myself, you know, on my journey. I I've seen it and I see it in other men that I work with where like they know they have the awareness, they know the pattern, they're excited, they want to change, they have the desire, but then they try to rush it. They try to force it, they try to pretend that like they're not, they don't need to feel that thing, whatever that thing is. They can just plow through. And that is just another attempt at controlling. And controlling usually has hidden underneath it some sort of fear. Anxiety. Controls is there to cover up anxiety. Yeah, so what I'm saying is like if you try to force it, try to rush it, this rewiring process that you've you've talked about, Darcy, you will you will likely relapse or burn out. Or there will be some it's very expensive energetically, it's very expensive physically, even. Um, and so what needs to happen, you might be saying now at this point, okay, well, what do we do? How do we change these patterns, guys? Tell me, tell me, Brandon and Darcy. Well, it comes from building capacity within. Enough building enough capacity and safety within yourself that you you feel safe finally to let those patterns dissolve or to transmute into something else or disappear entirely. You you've created so you do that through through nervous system work and body connection. But um Yeah, you can force your way into it. You cannot force your way out of a body that doesn't feel safe to move forward. Yeah. And you're exactly right. Like it is, it's about building up capacity within side of yourself to be able to make the changes, make the permanent rewiring happen. And that is done through um gentle, daily, consistent practices repeated over and over and over again. You're you're the new neural pathway is created through repetition. So you're gonna have to um create a new pattern that is serving you over and over and over again until it becomes autonomic. And feel safety while doing it, yeah. Yeah, and so nervous system work, like I actually just spoke about this today on my Instagram stories, is people sometimes are like, well, tell me what you do. Like, you just like teach tools, and I'm like, no. Like, it is so much more than just like do these breathing techniques, do these somatic practices. Like, that's a huge part of it. That's actually what's it's it's it's the first step in transforming is we got to get your body to like homeostasis because your body will not heal. It will not transform if it doesn't feel safe. It will not heal in a in a sympathetic state, it will not heal in a dissociative state, it will not change. In those states. So, like baseline, you got to cover your bases first. You got to get your nervous system in that sympathetic state to where your window of tolerance expands and your nervous system kind of has this its ability to fluctuate. In the parasympathetic. In the parasympathetic, parasympathetic state. All healing, physical, emotional, all healing will only happen in that state. And so from there, then it's like, okay, we we've got you in the state for you to be able to actually be able to rewire patterns. So then we get to like get we get to that state of parasympathetic, and then we're becoming veryware, aware of patterns, aware of habits, aware of behaviors, aware of trauma history, you know, and you're real while you're doing that, you're relating, you're always relating to your body what's happening inside of my body as I'm talking about my trauma, as I'm talking about my patterns. Yeah. Always, always keeping the body on board with what you are expressing, with what you are saying. Then it's like, okay, well, what do you want? Like, what do you want out of life? What are you going after? What type of relationship do you want? Where do you where do you want your career going? How do basically how do you want to feel the rest of your life? Yeah. And then creating the conditions to be able to move toward that purpose, to be able to move toward that life that you want. And ironically, the things that you want most in life are the things that are gonna going to require the most healing. That's why they're so profound and so beautiful once you reach that and you realize that. Yeah, when you start to realize the and see within yourself that like your greatest traumas, your greatest wounds, your greatest insecurities, your greatest fears actually have the power to become your greatest gifts and your greatest strengths. Yeah. And your most incredible magic and your most beautiful medicine to give the world. And it's hard to see that in the moment. And it's hard to say that to somebody who's in the fire. Yeah. You know, but it's so true. So, Darcy, if we take uh thank you so much, that's so helpful to hear like some science, some physiology, some neuroscience, and to understand that like this is a nervous system thing. This is not just a my like a mind thing or a willpower thing or a desire. Having the desire is great, having the awareness necessary, but you have to rewire your nervous system. You have to learn how to feel safety within your body. And an example might be, let's just use the example of someone who is avoidant. Okay. So someone who's avoidant, this could look like a lot of things, but we'll just say they are, you know, so if you're looking at avoidance, it can I I view it as having like several, several like subcategories or several things below it that are considered avoiding. Uh let's just say someone who doesn't speak up, doesn't use their voice, doesn't speak their mind or their their heart in really any scenario, whether it be in relationship, whether it be at work, whether it be with friends, they're just they're the kind of the the people pleaser, kind of, you know, the person who just wants to avoid conflict at all costs, because it's just too uncomfortable. And because maybe in their younger years, and maybe this is why they're there's this pattern was wired into them to avoid, was because if they were too much, if they showed too much emotion or said too much, they were shut down, or they were maybe even disciplined or told that they were too much. Like just be quiet, stay in your lane, keep your peace, you know, anything like that. And so they're just trying to maintain connection. They were wired to maintain connection through avoiding, okay? Well, let's say they something happens in their life where they they they acquire a very keen awareness about this pattern, and they start to see, wow, yeah, I've been in all these different ways avoiding conflict so that I could maintain some sort of connection. They start to see it. And so they start to say, Well, I'm gonna change that to hell with that. I'm gonna start speaking my mind. And maybe an opportunity arises with someone, let's just say at work, there's a circumstance where instead of them just nodding their head and going along with whatever's being said to them, with this newfound awareness, they decide, I'm gonna actually say what I'm thinking. And they say something like, No, I I I don't see it that way. I disagree with you, I see it this way. In that moment of them doing that, it is gonna feel terrifying. It's gonna feel so uncomfortable, it's gonna feel so uneasy. And it's that's normal because your nervous system registers this new way of being as dangerous. And it doesn't mean that you're wrong. You know, a lot of people, I think, unfortunately, may look at a situation like that and be like, oh, that that felt so uncomfortable. I'm never doing that again. That must not be. I guess I'm just a quiet, keep the peace, self-abandoning type of person. I guess I just, you know, it's like, no, that's that's normal. Your nervous system is registering that as dangerous. What you need to do now is you need to increase in these micro moments, like you described, your nervous system's capacity to handle that discomfort. And I view it, Darcy, like um, you know, I like to cold plunge, uh, as you know, a lot of people do. It's kind of it's a it's a big thing now. And there's a lot of benefits to cold plunging, but my favorite is because I remember when I first started cold plunging. I mean, I hate the cold. Who likes the cold, right? You still complain about cold plunging. You hate it. But I remember like when I dipped, I dropped in that that 42, 43 degree water, whatever it was, you know, up to my upper chest. It was like, get me the hell out of here. Like I almost literally, upon dropping in, like jumped out, you know. I didn't, I stayed in, but it was like so uncomfortable. And like I'm sitting there like hyperventilating, like I can't catch my breath, you know, like and I'm shivering, and I'm like, you know, get me out of here. Well, I've been cold plunging now for a few years, and you know, little by little, I started to notice that I wasn't, I was able to handle that discomfort better and better and better to the point where now, right upon dropping in, I'm able to go immediately to my deep breathing, my deep, deep, slow breathing and get immediately like there's no there's no rapid breathing, there's no shivering, there's no phase even of like, it's like immediately I'm into my deep slow breathing at a rate of about two breaths a minute. And it's just it that's how our bodies work. If we can show them that they are in fact safe and give them repeated exposures to that over and over and over again. Like you said, lots of repetition in these micro moments of like, no, you I know you want to freak out right now because this feels so uncomfortable, but remember, it only feels uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar. And in fact, you are safe. Yeah. Yeah. I would also say along with that, like you gave the example of growing up, like if you you became an avoidant because you expressed emotion at one point and it was mocked or it was shut down or you were disciplined for it. But you also, as you're growing up, you're also um your nervous system is almost also registering events by what you're observing. So, like if you're just observing something growing up and you see somebody get hurt or shamed or disciplined because of the way that our bodies are designed through what's called mirror neurons, it's as if that is also happening to you. And that's why your environment shapes you so much. You may not have something that directly happens to you, but if you're constantly being exposed to something that you're observing and seeing and feeling, your registration, your nervous system is also going to be like, okay, that's not safe. You know, you're you're that's why there's there's so many things that shape us as we're growing up, not just things that happened directly to us, but the things that we're also observing. Um, and also I would add to that that there is a system of rewiring in a way that's actually going to help you build that capacity and do it in a way that's sustainable. So if you have never before felt safe voicing an opinion and have never spoken up, I suggest that your first time speaking up would not be inside of a huge board group room in front of a bunch of people. Like that, your nervous system is just gonna retreat and be like, no, hell no, we're never doing that again. You have to use very small, titrated moments. It's like going to the gym. Your first time going to the gym, you're not gonna deadlift 200 pounds. You're gonna start out with smaller weights and you're going to build up to that. That's a great point. It's the same thing with your nervous system. So, my my clients that I work with, when they are needing help with this, of like using their voice, standing up for themselves, expressing a need. And they have they're literally they literally have no experience with it in their life. They don't even know how to do it. Like, even telling me what their needs are are hard. Well, first they practice with me. Like, tell me a need. Tell me what you want to say. Act like I'm the person that you want to say that to. And then I just I have them sit with the discomfort of telling me. I don't respond. I just, I just want you to like, where are you feeling that inside of your body right now? Like connect with that part. You know, show that part so much love. Or mirror work, like practice saying things in the mirror. If you need to have a difficult conversation with somebody and you're just like you're sweating bullets because of it, look in the mirror and practice saying it in the mirror to yourself. Make voice notes and hear yourself saying it over and over again. These are giving your brain and your nervous system experience with it before it like actually happens. So when you are in that situation, again, your nervous system has database to go back to and be like, oh, okay, we've had experience with this before. It doesn't know the difference between real and perceived. It doesn't know if you're having this conversation with somebody in the mirror or you're having it with the person in front of you. It just knows experience. Yeah. You know, but this also works for you in so many ways. When you're trying, when you're thinking about your future and your future self and your future life and your future goals, this is why you should act as the wish is already fulfilled. Because your nervous system doesn't know the difference. So, like, I actually keep voice notes in my in my phone from my future self, like 2027 Darcy. And I taught and I listen to those from her. So I'm like already given my nervous system and my brain experiences with a reality that hasn't manifested in the physical physical form, but my my nervous system doesn't know that, you know? Um so it's quite amazing what we are able to do with our own bodies in in creating our own realities. It's just knowing the neuroscience behind it, the language behind it, the actual steps to get there. And um, I couldn't have done this without like somebody helping me, without my education, without my resources. Like, you're more than likely going to need help with this. And there's something, so much to be said about somebody witnessing you in this experience. Yeah. It's so important to have somebody there holding space for you, co-regulating with, holding you accountable, you know, being having like a compassionate witness to your story. And there's so many layers to transforming because at the root of every pattern is a limiting belief that was formed because of trauma, because of disconnection. And people also who are like wanting to transform, you know, they probably like, I'm fine, I never experienced anything traumatic. Well, then why do you need to transform? Then why do you need to change? You know, because you're you are born whole. You are born complete, you are born whole. And as you grow and you develop, you get wounded in some way, shape, or form. Because we're conditional human beings, we're gonna hurt each other. And that that creates a belief about yourself. A belief of I'm not good enough, I have to earn love, I have to work so hard for love. Um those beliefs then create patterns that then create habits that then are creating your whole entire reality, you know? And so getting to the root of that helps to dissolve a lot of shame and a lot of anger and a lot of frustration with yourself. Yeah. Of understanding, like there, you make sense. I say that all the time. You make sense of why you are the way that you are. Quick pause before we continue. One of the biggest things I see is that people try to change their lives from the mind. But the nervous system is what actually determines what feels safe, possible, and sustainable. That's why I created my somatic repatterning audios. They're short, guided practices designed to help your body release old survival loops and create new patterns through sensation and embodied awareness. If you're ready to move from insight into real integration, you can access the audio library through the link in the show notes. All right, let's continue. Yeah, very well said. I mean, I I think that we're not going to go into all the the all that it takes to to change. We've touched on some very important aspects of of what is needed to change. But um Yeah, I really like how you just talked about um these these beliefs that are formed based on your wounding and your your trauma. And basically what what you need to do to change is you need to be you need to become a person. Well, I guess I'll put it this way. It's wild, Darcy, that you're actually not becoming you know, we talk about transformation and identity shifting and rewiring. As if we're becoming a new person. That's not what's happening. What's really cool and beautiful is you're actually unraveling and unbecoming everything that you're not, but that you had to become, or you had to implement whatever pattern into your life to maintain connection, to receive love and belonging, to be protected, to feel safe. And so you are always you. It's just you get buried underneath all the stuff, all the patterns, and all the necessary protective, adaptive parts of you. Yeah, absolutely that had to come about. Yeah. Yeah. I think a huge part of this whole process too is understanding like you are made up of different parts of yourself. You are very much still anchored to and tied to all the different versions of you that haven't felt safe throughout your life. Eight-year-old, you, 12-year-old, you, 21-year-old, you, 30-year-old, you. Like your nervous system um literally has what's called neural tags. Those neural tags are like these like like beeping signs that go off, especially with high intense emotional experiences called neurotransmitters. Like they leave an imprint in your system. And so when you are like wanting to step more towards your purpose, you're wanting to do something different, you're wanting deeper connection, you're wanting deeper intimacy, you're wanting more in life. That it's really important to make the differentiation between your adult self and the part of you that is the vulnerable part, vulnerable part and the protective part. So let's say historically in the past, um being seen was not safe. Being exposed was not safe. Well, as you go to step toward your purpose, the the protector part of that. So you have the vulnerable part that got wounded, that maybe got hurt or embarrassed or shunned if they became seen, if they became exposed. Then you have this like protector part that is like, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it so you never have to feel that again. You never have to get hurt again. That protection part looks like you know, self-sabotage. It looks like avoidance, it looks like insecurity. And um then you have this the adult self, like this higher self that's like, no, I want like I want this. And you have these other parts that are like keeping you inside this prison. Yeah, they still have a voice, uh yeah. It's like they're like keeping you inside the walls of your own like self-limiting life. A prison that you created. Yeah, that a lot, some a lot of times you don't have choice over, though, like these younger wounded parts. Sure. But they're they're trying to keep you safe. Yeah. And it's learning how to like there's there's a lot of like work with like internal family systems and somatic parts work of reparenting those parts, of showing them like it's okay, like I got you. I will never let you get hurt again. Like that's that's it's okay, it's not going to happen again. I got you now. It's those younger parts of us, those, those wounded parts that are preventing you from stepping into the fullness of your life. You know, being able to make that differentiation is really, really important. So you know how to like step in when you're stepping toward your purpose, you're stepping toward deeper love. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Yeah. Of the work with what with your parts, calming them, of soothing them, of letting them rest. Yeah, and that's where, to your point earlier, it's so useful to have help. Both you and I had help uh along the way on our healing journey, on our transformational journey, which continues all the time, by the way. I must, you know, but early on, we were seeing a trauma-informed therapist, and that was very helpful. Yeah. And so this is our shameless plug for the work that we offer our clients. And the reason that we do is because we benefited so greatly from help. You know, it's just it's it's a it's it's such an important part of the journey. Yeah. Um, and like I said, Darcy, although we're not gonna go into like all the different ways that you can employ on your journey to help you transform, we mostly just want to like talk about why it is so difficult to change and go through you know, deep lasting transformational change. But I will say one of the I I do find it helpful to bring to light patterns or you know to help me like work on these things, and that is I try to catch I try to to to notice whenever I am judging another person in any way. Because oftentimes when our our our judgments are just like hidden deep underneath that judgment is is some kind of fear or insecurity of of our own. Some kind of um Unmet need or unfelt emotion. For example, like if you if you judge someone as being too much, too showy, too, like why does he always have to do that or whatever, that kind of judgment? I would never do that. Well, maybe actually, underneath all of that, you really have an unmet desire to be seen. That's exactly what it is. You want what you're judging. That's just my point. Is like I'm trying to say the things that I try to do to like increase my awareness around these things, and also, like we said, awareness itself is not enough, but to also then try to start realizing how I'm going to change these patterns that are no longer serving me, be aware of my judgments, be aware of my decision making. Because a lot of times, if we put ourselves in a situation where we have like we'll call it a binary decision or a decision between just two options, and we're paralyzed by the fear of choosing the wrong option, usually underneath that there's some information for us too. Some unfelt emotions or some parts of us that are wounded that need to be seen, need to be witnessed, need to be heard, need to be held, you know? Yeah. So judgments, decisions, and then self-talk. Or even more specifically, like, where are the occasions in my life where I may not say it out loud, but I'm saying to myself, Brandon, you can't do that. Anything you if you say you can't do something, or maybe you don't even say it, but you view someone else who has what you want as special, as more gifted than you, as smarter than you, or in some way elite to you, because that's why they have what they have and you have what you have. Just take a uh a gentle, honest look at those three things: the way you talk to yourself, or like beliefs about yourself, especially when you say say things like I can't do this, or I can't do that, or I can't be that, I can't be that. Your judgments of others and your decision making. Those are really helpful little gauges for me to see where maybe I'm still not feeling something that needs to be felt or healing something that needs to be healed. Yeah, that's really good. I actually have never heard you say that you can't do anything. I I like to, again, you know, I I I've operated most of my life from a place of believing that I can do anything. But it was often rooted until recently. And I'm still, it's like it's a constant work, right? We don't ever want to give the perception or to have anyone, you know, think that we believe that we've like arrived somewhere. That's uh hell no. No, so much work. But all I can say is I used to much more uh operate in that like I can do anything. It was, but it was coming from an energy of like, I need to prove it to you. Like I need to prove it to gain your respect or your validation or you know what I mean? It's coming from lack, not fullness. So thank you. I agree. I've always in fact I used to I I I teach our kids and I always taught our kids we do not say I can't. We don't say that. But you know, to your point, like it's it is something I've always like believed. Yeah, I love that about but um it's better when it's like coming from a place of no need to prove. Like, I just know that I can do anything. Yeah, it's awesome. So the other thing, when you were talking about judgment, um I have this in my notes because I heard this quote the other day. It was so good by Robert Edward Grant. He said, We attract everything we judge until we no longer judge everything we attracted. Isn't that good? Yeah, we no longer we attract everything we judge. Yeah. It's just a yeah, everything's a mirror. When you realize that about life, everything changes. And so then you start to realize, oh, when I'm judging someone, I'm actually just saying the the quiet part out loud. Yeah, but I'm saying I'm revealing to the world my most inner insecurities and fears, and actually what I wish I could be. Yeah. And as long as you continue to judge that, you will continue to see it. Yeah, you will continue to attract it. That is how reality works. That's how patterns work. Yeah. Like you will, reality will constantly be putting in front of you an opportunity for you to be faced with exactly as you are. Yeah, I know. It's so beautiful. And reality shifts when you stop, when you pause and you respond instead of react. When you love instead of you judge. If there's a characteristic or somebody, uh something about somebody that you just don't like. You know, you find them annoying, whatever it is, you're judging them, basically. Yeah. You will continue to be faced with people like that in every area of your life. You'll see it everywhere. You'll see it everywhere. Yeah. It will can it will bother you, it's going to bug you. And that's by design. Because hopefully you get the you get the point. And you realize, oh, this is because I need to look at something within myself. It's because it's the way that life is supposed to go. The thing, yeah, the thing that you judge in them, you have with inside of yourself. So when you judge other people, you're literally judging yourself. Yeah. It's a hard truth to face, but yeah, that's the reality of it. You know, think about like again, like looking at these patterns and realizing that there's something deep underneath them that just needs to be it, like it, they're they're if if you if you look at them really closely and you expand your nervous system's capacity for safety so that you are you are able to handle this the the discomfort and and make changes in real time, you you realize that like like for example, jealousy, jealousy is such a difficult thing to go through for all of us humans. But I but if you realize oftentimes jealousy is just really asking you to see an unowned desire of your own. So good, yeah. Like it's crazy, but like we we look at that jealousy, for example. Now it could be any emotion, but jealousy is a hard one, so I picked it. It's a difficult emotion, and it's like, oh, I just can't stand to feel jealousy, and it's just trying to teach you something, it's trying to show you to you, it's trying to show you what's possible for you, and it's trying to like break you through, but you're resisting it because it's so damn uncomfortable to feel, and you want to then project that the reason you're feeling it is because someone else is doing something that they shouldn't, or you know, and it's like, no, you just need to you need to be able to feel your entire lived experience and know that it all makes sense, like it all has messages and information for you to show you to you. Yeah, absolutely. You could just utilize your emotions as teachers in just the way that you just said is what is this teaching me about me? What is this showing me about me? And if we could like completely change, like reframe that when we're feeling a difficult emotion such as jealousy, uh being like, thank you, thank you for showing that to me, because now I know like what's possible for me. If they can have that, why can't I have it? If they can be that, have that relationship, have that career, that life, whatever. They're just showing me what's possible for me too. Yeah. Especially if you don't give in to the lie of separation, you believe that we're all one consciousness and really feel into that and believe that, then everything becomes possible. You don't see people as better than you or separate from you, and you don't see them as so threatening. Yeah. And I think, oh yeah, sorry, we're gonna say, yeah, you feel safe to allow people to be them. And that allows you to be you. Yeah. So yeah, that's that's really good, babe. I would say um, let's maybe head into the the closing moments of this podcast episode uh as time is getting short. I wanted to touch on um one other thing that I learned from personal experience about why transformational change, why individuation evolving, whatever you want to call it, is so difficult. And that is it's extremely emotionally expensive and exhausting when you begin to realize all of the ways in which you self-abandoned through these patterns that you employed brilliantly and lovingly your nervous system, your body employed these patterns to keep you safe, as we've already discussed. But when you get to a point in your life where you see very clearly those patterns and how actually they were ways in which you were self-abandoning, that hurts. And also, like when you start to realize that because of those patterns and those limiting beliefs and those insecurities and those fears governing your life, as you said, creating this prison, these prison walls that you created, you built them. It's really it's very difficult to you have to feel the grief of a life unlived or maybe half-lived. It hurts when you when you wake up to these things and you see yourself, maybe for the first time, and you're like, damn. Uh yeah, I just the sadness, the grief, sometimes even the anger of like the ways that you self-sacrificed and self-sabotaged and self-abandoned and did all the things in an effort to maintain connection. Yeah, it's very, very painful. It is just that part of it. It's really difficult. I see a lot of people get stuck in that stage because the shame and the grief is too much. Yeah. And facing that and feeling that is really hard for people, understandably so. It's like coming to the realization of like all these years I've been labeled and seen a certain way, and like this personality that I actually didn't really choose in a lot of ways. That's not really me. Like owning feeling that and owning that is really hard. And you have to give yourself that space to grieve. You cannot bypass that stage. So important to grieve. You cannot bypass that stage, and that's also where capacity building becomes really important. So you have the space within yourself to sit with that grief. And to, I know, especially like, well, I think men and women feel it both, but a lot of shame, a lot of shame for past choices, past self-expressions, past reactions. And getting stuck in that shame just creates um a cycle of deeper shame, a cycle of deeper victimhood, a cycle of like, you know, it can be really difficult to come out of that shame cycle. But that's where like the compassion, the only thing that will counteract shame is deep empathy and understanding like why you are the way that you are, and giving compassion and offering empathy for those parts that created those patterns that created those dynamics with inside of yourself. So you can actually like move forward. There's a lot of self-love learned throughout this process. I was just gonna say, thank you for saying it. I I think this is where you really learn how to love yourself when you see all the ways that you didn't love yourself, yeah. And you love those versions of you so much because you finally see them. Yeah. That's why um Justin Bieber's performance at the Coachella. What is that, was it called Coachella? Yeah. Um, was like all over social media, such a big deal because he pulled up videos of his younger self. And you know, all these, he's been in such a big spotlight for so long of the damage and the harm and self-destruction that people have been witnessing him go through for so long. And it was just such an epic moment for so many people. It was like inner child work literally on display because he brought up these YouTube videos of him as a younger boy singing all of his famous songs, and then him as his adult self, like singing those songs with him. And it was just like this moment of like, you could just see like so much deep love for his younger self and what he had to go through to survive the environment that he was in. And it was like everything like coming together, and that's what I mean by like integrating into your whole self is these fragmented parts, these wounded parts that got fragmented to be a certain way, and they're like tethered to your adult self your whole life. It's like those fragmented parts are the ones that are like creating so much disruption. It's because I think they're like, hey, I'm right here. Yeah, see me, feel me. Please just see me and love me. Do you see why I was the way I was? And they're like screaming for that, witnessing. Yeah. And and and I just you just gotta go through it. It's so hard. So hard, but it's so beautiful. Inner child work is imperative to this work, yeah. Um, yeah, so important. But I just, yeah, I just want to end with like giving people hope. Like understanding the science behind all this was like mind-blowing to me because it's it goes beyond so much more than just behavior and just talking. Yeah. And if you're frustrated with just talking about your life over and over again with somebody and not getting anywhere, I want to say there's another path, there's another way, a much more efficient, long-lasting way of creating the actual change that you want. And me and you talk about this all the time. Like, we're not trying to like pedestalize ourselves, but the the ways that we have been able to change because of this work. I mean, it's completely changed our entire reality. Yeah. And we have been able to like make the invisible visible through this work. Like nervous system work, neuroscience isn't just about like healing the past, but it's about creating your future moving forward. Yeah. And systems and techniques and daily practices that you can do to continually rewire yourself toward abundance, toward expansion. It's a lifelong pursuit. And once you learn it, it's like, okay, like let's do this now. Yeah. Like I know how to do this now. It's like I figured out the video game of life now. I'm ready to play this figure. I figured out the some cheat codes, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go level up a few levels here. Yes. Or whatever character you are in the video game, you're gonna you figured out ways that you could like acquire certain assets, like maybe armored protection or a really fast car or whatever you need, you know, to win the game. Yeah. But um, yeah, Darcy, you know, as we finish up here, um, I just want to say that um it's been it's it's been such a beautiful journey, so difficult, but so rewarding. And I think if if nothing else, if our listeners can just know that if you don't take your awareness and couple it with nervous system work and create a strong body connection and be deeply connected to your body and increase capacity for safeness, you know, for safety within, able to withstand the discomfort that comes with this transformational journey. You will inevitably, if you don't do that, if you don't do all of that work to change, you will inevitably continually project onto your future your past wounds, your past hurts, your past disappointments. Everything from your past that was painful and hurt hurt you in some way, you continually project onto your future, and you wonder why you just keep repeating the same habits, the same patterns, the same life, the same toxic relationships over and over and over again. Because what you know what's wild? We don't actually create our futures when we're in this kind of this this stuck place. We don't create our futures, we remember them. It's crazy, but we are literally recreating from our past, our future, until we learn how to be the conscious creator of our life and rewire these patterns. It's beautiful work, necessary. Yeah. Well, thank you for all your help in helping me rewire and trans transform and and grow. I appreciate your partnership. I appreciate you being my mirror, my sacred mirror, my lover, my best friend. Thank you so much. Ditto to all of that. I love you, babe. Love you too.