O How We Need Each Other | Ep. 3

We don't like to be needy. But what if, at our most divine, we are made to be just that? That our longing, our dreaming, our wishing, our hoping, is intensely celestial and God-given. I think most of us strive not to need anything or anyone. But I believe we were made to need each other, and seeking to fulfill this need is one of the most beautiful expressions of our faith in a loving God and the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

In Episode 3, I share how we can lean into this vulnerable, beseeching, divinely appointed need despite what may be very lonely circumstances.

Transcript

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Welcome back to Single to the Glory, a cozy podcast for Latter-day Saints singles. I'm Aliyah, and I'm so glad you're here. In today's episode, I want to talk about how we are literally made to love and how all of those desires and needs you have for someone else are actually deeply, deeply divine. Come, get comfy, and let's chat. We need food and water and shelter. We need community, we need connection, and as we've already established, we need love. When our needs aren't met, we fall apart quite quickly. We don't like this, right? We don't like to be needy. But what if at our most divine we are made to be just that? That our longing, our dreaming, our wishing, our hoping is intensely celestial and God-given. I think most of us strive not to need anything or anyone. But I believe we were made to need each other, and seeking to fulfill this need is one of the most beautiful expressions of our faith in a loving God and the gospel of Jesus Christ. But before we explore all of that, it's time for Aaliyah's affirmations. I want you to hear truth spoken over your life and your circumstances. These words are here to set the tone for personal revelation. First, I want you to take a deep breath in. And out. Let's do it again. In and out. Your heart is a beautiful thing, crafted by God to beat, to feel, and to need things. Your longings are not silly, and your desires are not foolish. What you want matters. You were created to be loved and to find people who celebrate you, care for you, and cherish who you are. You are made for connection, designed to need others and to be needed in return. Wanting companionship is not a sign of weakness. It is a part of your divine design. Take a moment to ponder what came to your heart. Keep these feelings close as we go forward. This is episode three of Single to the Glory. Once I wanted a man. Okay, maybe more than once. But what's important is that once I wanted him, I needed him. I needed his gentle calm, his steadying hand, his hidden humor. I needed his ability to make me forget every bad thing that ever happened to me just by being in the same room with him. When a friend asked me why I loved him, I told her he was like breathing. In so many ways, I felt like life had drowned me, dragged me down into salt-burned, choking depths. He felt like air in my lungs, like life itself. I tried to go on as if I didn't need him. I focused at work, I had fun at home. I laughed at dirty jokes around the dinner table and cried over the swollenness of my heart in front of temple fountains. I picked up groceries that would die in my vegetable crisper, and I sat in church pews trying desperately to fill the needs of others. But all I had to do was think of this man, and I needed him, and the very act of needing him reminded me of one of the first gospel truths. It is not good for man to be alone. In those moments of yearning, I realized that the need I felt wasn't just about him. It wasn't only about desiring a particular person, but about the universal truth that we, as a human family, were made for each other. Woven tightly into the robes of our divine nature is a need for committed, caring connections. Covenants do not simply represent an access point to the powers and promises of heaven. They are the living witness of who we are, beings designed to love and be loved. That need we feel for each other is an essential part of our eternal identity. Sister Neil F. Marriott once said, quote, perhaps our life in a loving premortal world set up our yearning for true, lasting love here on earth. End quote. Why then, in contemplating my yearning, did I feel I had failed somehow? Was I not supposed to be wholly self-sufficient, perfectly content and capable as a single entity? I should be able to do it all. And I should be able to do it all alone and with a smile. Of course, our lives can be happy and meaningful regardless of our marital status. But I know, I know that we need each other desperately. And I believe that we cannot be whole in Christ when we seek to replace covenantal connections, born in many types of consecrated relationships with worldly substitutes. One of the most powerful addresses I have ever heard on this subject is by Jeanette Jacob Erickson, an associate professor at Brigham Young University. She said, quote, though our culture may tell us otherwise, we are not designed for self-actualized pleasure-seeking autonomy. We are deeply relational beings, designed not for independence, but for radical dependence and connection. Our individual agency endows us with the responsibility and privilege of becoming beings who can experience the deepest forms of connection. End quote. That my responsibility is to become as independent as possible. I need to not need anyone. If I need someone, I'm not drawing on God's power enough. I should only need God. But then if I need God, my faith isn't strong enough. Have you ever felt bad for being so dependent on Jesus Christ? As if to say, I'm sorry, I had to use the atonement. I don't want to need it. But God knows we need his son. He knows we need to be chosen, to be cared for, to be cherished. He knows we are beings of radical dependence because he is the one who made us that way. And he has given us all we need to fulfill one another in a way that mirrors deity. We can experience that right now. Our deepest needs can be met by each other in more holy ways. For example, I've been praying with so much more confidence and hope recently that the right people will come into my life. I'm looking for the people God is sending, and I'm preparing my life for them to come in and do what they need to do. That takes work and effort on my part to be vulnerable, to make space, to take the time to connect. Am I willing to risk myself for the glorious reward of discovering the people who really want to be in my life and be an answer to my prayers? When we soften our hearts and expose them to others, seeking to know and be known, we reflect the very nature of God, a God who exists in eternal communion, a God who taught, quote, and this is life eternal, that they might know thee, the only true God, end quote. In both Hebrew and Greek, the words used to describe this knowing denote more than an intellectual understanding. Instead, the verbs describe an intimate understanding, a covenantal relationship, one that is brought about by interaction and experimentation. You were made to interact, to experiment, to love, to know with God and with others. But this is a podcast about being single. So I understand the difficulty and heartache that comes with trying to do this. I wanted to need this. Oh, oh, good man. And I wanted to be needed by him. He didn't feel the same. Neither did the man before him or the man after him. So I have this desire to yoke myself to someone in holiness and love, but it goes perpetually unfulfilled. I can't help but wonder. Maybe God didn't put me here on earth to experience love. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Maybe I've got my hopes all wrong, and I'm not made to be anything to anyone. Can you relate? Do you feel alone? Do you feel forgotten? Do you feel stuck and aimless with no one to truly love and no one to truly love you? My experience touches on romance, but what about our friendships? What about our church congregations and ministering relationships? What about our families? Oh how we need each other. And oh how great the sorrow that comes as we are kept from each other, whether by fear, exhaustion, heartbreak, negligence, sin. So what can we do? How do we lean into this vulnerable, beseeching, divinely appointed need, despite what may be very lonely circumstances? I think this is gonna take multiple episodes of this podcast to try and discern. But there are some things in my heart that I've been trying to work through, and maybe they'll be helpful for you. Friend, sit kindly with your needs. When it's almost midnight and you re-downloaded Mutual again, don't make it worse by telling yourself you're stupid and should be over all of this already. Don't berate yourself because you're lonely, because you want a friend, because you want deeper relationships, because you want marriage. Your needs and desires are holy and from God. Our needs can be educational and revelatory. They can tell us what to hope in, what to seek, what to commit to. The ache you have may actually be in the shape of the person called to love you. Learn about the ache and you'll learn about what God has prepared for you. These are just a few ideas I thought of. If you need more spiritual intimacy in your life, God may wish you to attend the temple more frequently. If you need more companionship, God may hope you commit intentionally to your friendships, family, or church callings. If you need emotional support and stability, He may want you to attend therapy and talk to trusted leaders. If you need more clarity about who to date, God may want you to study your past relationships, what you've learned, and what you know you want. Needs are made to be met, so honor them. Friend, also experiment with expressing your needs and see who responds. I know it's painful to feel like you're begging for help from people who don't care. And if they do, they don't care enough. However, I believe there is power in vocally expressing our needs. Our literal cries are tender to the Lord, and He will work to draw those into your life who can best help you. Prayerfully consider how to talk about your hopes and dreams and desires more. Consider how to talk about the real feelings of your heart. Consider how to ask for help and who could be an untapped resource of love and care. I found that when I express myself more, my true self, I quickly discover who is intentional and excited to be in my life, and those who are ready to fade away. Here's my pro tip for how to get better at this. Start with using this one word when someone asks you how you are. Actually. Actually is a word that generally precludes a truthful statement that may be contrary to what someone is expecting. Actually, it gives you space to say something a little more real than you would otherwise. For example, actually, I'm kind of cranky right now. Actually, I've been having a hard time at my job and it's been really frustrating. Actually, I'm kind of lonely. Would you want to set up a time to do something? I don't know if that's oversimplifying things. There are so many other ways you can do this. But the risk has been worth it for me. I found unexpected friends and help with these small bids for connection. Okay, finally, friend, seek out how Jesus Christ can fulfill your need. I don't think it's as simple as saying that Jesus Christ can overflow every cup we have. It's been my experience that Jesus is more content than I am to let me be unfulfilled. But I think he stands ready and willing to be more in our lives than we let him. When there's no one to talk to, Jesus listens. When there's no one to celebrate something with, he's excited for us. He's our savior, our teacher, our healer, our friend, our family. And yes, while we wait and yearn for marriage, Jesus can be our helpmate. Invite him to fill a role in your life and see what he does. It'll probably sound dramatic, but one thing I've asked Jesus to be for me recently is my chief mourner. Some of these big feelings I've had that I've needed to let go of, it's been devastating. A lot of times it doesn't feel like there's room to mourn in the church. I've just got to be cheery about it and say that everything will work out in the end. But Jesus has been willing to be really sad with me about my broken heart. We've had a shared grief, and that has been tender and healing for me. God knows who he made when he made you. He knows what he has put on your heart and what is yet to come. I know it hurts to sit in that empty space of need, to draw attention to it, to really feel it. I just think Jesus is there in it, a bit farther down than I've often been willing to go. So be needy. This next week, instead of trying to outrun your need for connection, I want you to consecrate it. Bring it to God on purpose. Go boldly to the throne of grace and ask him for opportunities, not just to give, but to receive. Because needing each other isn't just about giving service or doing good. It's learning how to let yourself be known. It's learning how to stand in your God-given ache without shame and say, I was made for connection and I trust the Lord to teach me how to find it. So slow down. Notice your needs. Express one of them out loud. And when someone else reaches for you, even in a small way, let it matter. Let it be holy. Let it be practice for the kind of covenant belonging we are all ultimately being prepared for. To need each other forever. If any of these principles have touched your heart or you want to learn more, visit singletoteglory.com and download the study guide for this episode. It includes questions and study prompts, resources and even art. I hope it helps you. Let's close with prayer. Father, we need so much that sometimes it's overwhelming. We need forgiveness from our sins. We need help to make it through the day. We need a reason to get up in the morning. And we need love. And in that way, we're grateful because we know that all of this aching and all of this longing is because we know what real love is like from thee. We know that it is a part of our eternal story. And that we come from a place that is all about love and all about sharing it with others. Help us in our need to see how Jesus Christ is the answer. How he can help us to feel more at peace, to feel comforted. We invite him to sit with us this week, Lord. We invite him into our lives to be with us in our need, to fulfill these roles that we're longing for others to step into. Help Christ be there first. Help him teach us more about what we need and what we can seek out. Father, I pray for those who are hearing my voice right now, who are in a place of great need that has gone unfulfilled for a really long time. And who are wondering if it's even possible for them to feel a little bit better. Help them know that they're seen. Be with them. Be over them. Please help the people in their life see them and know them and act in their behalf. May we all have that spirit and may we all have that willingness to be a little more dependent on each other. Help us pass through those times when perhaps we need to hunger and thirst and feel that it can make when those needs are met even more sweet and even more useful to thy glory and to thy gospel and to the building of thy kingdom. Father, in our great need, may we turn to thee and thy son again and again and again. We love thee. And we say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.