Victor Not Victim: Building Resilient Learners

In this episode of the Lady K Podcast, Katy McKinney reflects on her journey from business to education, emphasizing the importance of enabling students to adopt a victor mentality rather than a victim mentality. She shares her personal experiences and teaching philosophy, which focuses on building confidence and resilience in children. Through anecdotes and practical strategies, Katy illustrates how fostering a culture of responsibility and self-governance can lead to significant personal growth and success for students.  In the end, our families, communities, and country are blessed.

For more information about Lafayette Academy, A Classical School please visit https://lafayetteacademy.org/

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Transcript

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Welcome back to the Lady K Show. I'm Katie McKinny, I'm the founder and head of school of Lafayette Academy. I was recently rummaging through some of my files and I found an article that I had written back when I was 23. It was uh right after we got married, I guess, it was 1997. And I had gotten my business degree in college, but then I decided to go back to school and get my educational degree because my heart really I found was in teaching and I wanted to be in the classroom. So, as I did that, we were in San Diego, California and one of the classes I took required us to write an essay. Um and I eagerly did so. I was I was just just so hungry to to, you know, do what they asked us to do. And uh I reread this article and I chuckled because frankly, my philosophy has stayed the same. So that was comforting. But listen to this. It says here, I'm currently taking a class entitled Voice, Diversity, Equity, and Social Justice. And this week, we were asked to answer, describe a time where you were pre-judged, kept down, or left out of something because of personal traits. Describe your perceptions, your experiences, and your feelings. So, as a 23-year-old, I dutifully got my pen and paper together and started thinking about this. And as I did, I really thought, you know, when when have I felt kept down? When have I felt prejudiced against? And I really found I couldn't. I couldn't find a time where I have felt that way. Now, having lived another half of my life, I would say, yes, absolutely. I have felt those times, but at that time in my life, I hadn't felt that way. And furthermore, as I was working to write this uh journal answer, I was actually listening to the Dr. Laura show. And she was talking about a little boy who felt victimized because he was teased about being overweight. As I listened to that conversation, I thought, wow, this fits perfectly to this question that I'm working to answer. Um and so I crafted my own answer according to the to the thoughts that were being shared on the Dr. Laura show as well as my own experiences. And so, I'd like to if it's okay with you, I'd like to just read this to you and talk about how it plays a very big role in our school and how the culture is at our school today. So, I said, everyone could probably fall into a category of when they felt kept down or pre-judged. For example, many people would tell me that as a woman, I would have to work harder to get from point A to point B as compared with a man. Or because I'm part of a small religious denomination that I'm somewhat out of the mainstream and could be pre-judged or discriminated against. However, I have learned that there seems to be a blatant excuse to feel victimized instead of wallowing in self-pity, self-justification, and I rely on my inner strength to see that I am not a victim of outside circumstances. Rather, I have the ability to respond to certain situations and be a victor. It's all about choice. We'll talk about that here in a minute. So, I've been raised to appreciate and express confidence in who I am, not what I look like or where I'm from. I've also been raised to know that I am not a victim. Life is full of choices and we make them every day. What we're going to wear, what we're going to eat, how we're going to respond to certain situations, who our friends are, who we're going to marry, what kind of job we're going to have, and being a victim is also ultimately a choice. A choice I was raised not to entertain. Instead of claiming that as a woman, I am less or I have to work harder, or I have to play dirty to get to the top, or I have to compromise my standards, etc., I have chosen that being a woman is an asset. There are many benefits to being a woman and I'm going to capitalize on those benefits and work to make the world a better place. And rather than feeling discriminated against because of religious beliefs or the color of my skin or my gender, I have learned that my religion, my gender, everything has made me a better person and it's not something to be ashamed of. Within the teaching profession, and with such a view that I have on this issue, I will not be surprised when the claim is made, how can you be able to even understand this child and where they're coming from if you haven't been victimized, or you don't know what it's like to be Hispanic, or black, or Catholic, or disabled? And my answer to this question is, what is the goal? Is it to provide opportunities for our children to express their given talents and learn what an incredible asset they are to this world, or do we want to further illustrate to them that why they are different from their peers, why they should be sad when they don't succeed, or why they shouldn't expect to be a raving success? What is our goal truly? Even if I understood a student's position, how they were pre-judged or discriminated against or kept down, how is my understanding of that going to help that student be successful? I'm in the business of realizing every child's potential and creating opportunities for them to realize their own success, how they are solely responsible for their own actions. Not to emphasize their differences and further divide them from a majority. Ruth Carney states it well when she asks us in her book Teaching Children to Care, quote, what is good academic learning if young people don't learn to become contributing contributing members to society, unquote. Victims are not contributors, they are consumers. I say that often at our school. My husband and I say it often on our family, we are looking to help nurture and cultivate contributors, not consumers. I think it's even on our website. Consumers take, take, take and they take sympathy and energy and time and money. They're concerned with themselves and if we create a society more concerned with ourself and how terrible our life is, how is that going to promote a more competitive and progressive society? Hint, it won't. So, when I begun when I began teaching, so remember, I'm 23 years old, don't yet have even my first classroom, but here's what I was thinking. When I began teaching, I'm going to view my classroom as a society. We will be with each other nine months of the year, six hours a day. And we're going to be a mini society, we're going to be a community and I'm going to expect that the members of my society are going to be contributors rather than consumers. I view all children regardless of race, gender, color, religion, as individuals who have an invaluable gift to give. That gift is the talent to be a responsible individual, to be thoughtful, to be givers, and to be thinkers. I don't see others as less, but I see them as equals. I have already put this philosophy into practice and have seen its success and my goal is to bring out more in that child than he ever knew he had. That's the joy of a teacher. That's the pleasure of being a student and that's not the product of being a victim. So, how does that play a role in what we're doing today? Well, as I think about the American founding, well, go back even to the pilgrims. Talk about a people who did not think of themselves as victims. They were on that Mayflower and they were heading towards the new world to be victors. And then you move fast forward towards our founding fathers and they too were in it to win it. And that, that culture has continued to pervade American culture, whether it's through our books, our movies, what have you, our own spirit. And that's what, in my opinion, we need to continue to cultivate in our classrooms and we do that by helping our students realize that first they have a choice over themselves, over their own thinking. Now, let's talk about how we do that. So, there's a fabulous book out there called The Entitlement Trap. The Entitlement Trap is a book we've read in our school as a book club a couple times now since we've been around. And in it, it talks about cultivating a certain economic structure within your family that allows your child to do certain things within the family structure, but in that vein, they're earning money, obviously, for their own well-being. And part of the goal of this book, the structure of the Entitlement Trap, is to pass that economic baton from you to your child at developmentally appropriate levels such that when they're 18, they can walk out um of the house and be ready to be their own governors, their own suppliers of whatever they need. And it's extremely powerful. We have used it in our family for probably last, I don't know, 10, 12 years and it's beautiful. I have loved the results of what we're getting. In our family, we have extremely grateful children and that's because we make them earn it. They also, because they earn their way, they earn their keep within reason, of course, right? We provide a roof over their head, we supply their food and their warmth and their cooling and, you know, at the beginning of life, all their clothing and their shoes and their haircuts and all of that good stuff. But I won't get into all the nitty-gritty, we could talk about that in another podcast, but by the time they turn eight, they have their own account, their bank account, it's obviously under yours, but um their own account, they're making their own way, they're earning their own money and they slowly start to buy things that they need. Be it their clothes, their shoes, their uniforms, birthday presents, eventually the goal is their first car, their insurance, and then again, college, you know, paying for that first semester of college. In any case, all of this is contributing towards nurturing American citizens that earn their way and that are not afraid of hard work. So, that's one component that we do and we we I I we do it in our family, but now I've been sharing that with other families. And in fact, we've had, gosh, I'd say three, four, five families this last year where we've done some one-on-ones with me. I've shown them the whole system, given them everything they need. They go and implement it. And I had one family who began this with their fifth grade boy. Um there was some contention um with this guy. And it occurred to me, he was ready for more responsibility. He wanted to have more autonomy over his life, and I think mom and dad were just not necessarily aware of that. And so, as we talked and we kind of structured this to give him more autonomy, wow, did he change? In a great way. And about four months, three months later, at pickup time, the mom said, hey, just want to let you know, our family has changed drastically and changed for the better. It was very exciting and I've seen a great change in that young man. He's more calm, he's happier, um he's more responsible, but on his own accord. That's beautiful. That's a case to me where he has learned how to have he's he's got a choice and he's learning how to um govern that choice with great responsibility. Okay, the next way that we foster this victor, not victim mentality is through another book called With Winning in Mind by Lanny Basham. So, we have been using this book within our domain of shooting sports. At our school, we have a shooting team and we uh we coach our kids in trap, skeet, sporting clay, and now even bunker. So, which is the Olympic side of shooting. So, with winning in mind, is a fabulous book. It goes a little bit more into the the process of the thinking. And it's a it's a bit deeper. I love it. We have been using in shooting for the last five years, we're going into our sixth year. What has happened as a result of using the techniques in this book, which I'll tell you about what that is in a minute, is we've taken beginning shooters from very beginning, never even held a a 12-gauge shotgun, to becoming national champions. And in fact, one of them is even pursuing the Olympics. The the way in which they're doing that is because of the techniques taught in this book. So, very high level, what it is is students learning how to govern their own thinking. And they do that by way of a process of first identifying that they have a choice in making that that they can make a choice in the moment. And secondly, mentally managing themselves. Super powerful. I wish I had had this tool when I was 10 years old. All that to say, it's never too late, right? So, I highly recommend. In fact, the parents who I've shown it with, they're like, I got to read this book. This sounds amazing. So, what we're doing is we're really teaching our children to respond rather than react. Let me give you an example. Um so, my husband has been doing this, he's the he's the captain of the shooting team. And all of a sudden, it hit me this year. I was like, you know, I wonder if we could use this on the academic front. So, what I did was, I started piloting it with um just one or two children. One of our children, she was in fifth grade. She was, I will say, very, very shy. To the point that when you would chat with her, just try to have a conversation like in the classroom, she would freeze up and bless her heart, she couldn't move. She couldn't talk, she couldn't move her arms, she couldn't do anything. So, I thought, you know what? I think this strategy could be helpful to her. Okay, so, fast forward, I talk with mom. She asked, this would be a great idea. So, we get her own mental management journal and in there is a part of the process is identifying yourself with what is the goal? Where do you want to go? And in the book, Lanny Basham talks about his story is great, but he talks about him wanting to go to the Olympics and he became a multi-time world champion in shooting and eventually earning the gold in the Olympics and all of that. And part of the process is stating, it is like me to blank, whatever it is your goal. And for him, it was it's like me to win the gold medal in the Olympics. You got to be very specific about it. No time frame, just very specific about the goal. So, I sit down with this beautiful 10-year-old girl, who's very shy. And of course, she's not going to say anything, but I just start talking and I share with her, hey, I'm going to give you this journal, and we need to come up with a goal statement. And I don't want to put words in your mouth, but we kind of brainstormed and we said, okay, what would be a good goal? Eventually, we got it out and her affirmation goal was, it's like me to take a test without interruption. Specifically, she would take a test, she would get really nervous and she just would freeze up and she couldn't complete the test, which she knew the material. So, we had to retrain her brain to first off know that she had a choice and that she had dominion and she could govern herself, right? Over that moment. So, she began writing these affirmations daily. Then we would talk about only the good, we would only focus on, what did you do well today? And so, she would write down, you know, I got dressed, I got to school on time, I got my books ready, I, you know, it was very simple stuff. And slowly, as tests came about, she was able to finish the test without interruption. And I would ask her, how did you do that? And in the book, it talks about pre-decisions. You have the ability to pre-decide an outcome before you get to that specific scenario or situation. So, we talked about the importance of pre-deciding. So, when she would get to those moments with the test, she would pre-decide, I'm going to take this test without interruption. And low and behold, she would do it. And she did it, and she did it, and she did it over and over again. And this started in October, and I worked with her through May, looking forward to picking it up again in uh September, but long story short, this amazing individual not only could then take tests without interruption. She also had a challenge doing what we call our recitations, which is memorizing and and uh executing beautiful poetry or prose, either with the class or individually. Very hard for her to do it with the class. She had made some progress, but it wasn't consistent. And Lord knows, she would never ever ever do something in front of her class, much less the entire school. So, flash forward, months down the road, turns out they were memorizing a beautiful poem, not poem, it was prose. It was uh from Martin Luther King and it was his letter that he wrote while in the Birmingham jail. And each child was asked to memorize just a little snippet of that whole letter. And um she had her little snippet and wouldn't you know it, she was able to recite her little portion, not only in front of her whole class, her whole class, but in front of the entire school. Talk about a triumphant moment. It was incredible. So, through the process of the affirmations that we would write down, the goals that we would set for her, um and then the constant acknowledging of the good that she was doing every single day. That confidence slowly grew and grew and grew and we rarely had a setback. Okay, so, all of that goes back to this article, Victor, not victim. The culture that we have at our school is focused solely on the fact that every kid who walks through our door has the ability to be a victor, to be victorious in whatever challenge they're facing. Now, we're not going to give them an impossible task. We're going to give it to them in bite sizes, but the goal is for them to make that progress. And I remember in my article, in fact, when I was 23, I said something to the effect that, we're going to bring out in that child more than that child ever knew they even had. My first year of the school, I had a seventh grader in my class and he claimed, oh, I'm not good at writing, I can't do this. I said, okay, that's fine, but we're going to we're going to still do it. You know, we're not going to let you pass that chapter of of education. And so, we worked and it was hard. It was hard for me, it was hard for him, but he did the work. And when we were done and he was re-reading his story, he he puts his paper down and he looks at me, he's like, Miss McKinney, I didn't know I could write like this. And I was pretty honest, I go, honestly, I didn't know you could either. But it was such a beautiful moment. Now, how do we get there? By saying, oh, yeah, you really are limited in writing. Oh, yeah, you really aren't that great. Oh, yeah, this is too hard for you. Let me give you something easier. No. We went into it saying, we are going to be victorious. We are going to do this, we're going to do it excellently to the best of our ability and you're going to do fabulously. And we do that in everything we do. All of our teachers reaffirm that with our students, we do it in P.E. when they're doing their time to mile test, whether they're in kindergarten or they're a senior in high school. Um we do it when they're going up on stage, we do it with recitations, we do it in math and science and history and literature and writing and everything. And what we're finding is that the self-confidence, first off, it's authentic. It's not a pat on the back, you fogged a mirror, good job. It's actually real because the child is earning it. They know they're doing the work. They know that it's grounded, it's solidified and it's eternal in them. It can't be taken away once it's been gained and then they demonstrate it over and over again, but it keeps going up and up and up and up and it's extremely inspiring as as an educator. I think that's my favorite thing about teaching is watching these kids, giving them the tools and then watching them take off. So, all that to bring that full circle again, when I was going back and I was going through my files and I found this article. I was pleased. I was pleased that my philosophy has stayed the same. And then of course, little did I know back then when I was 23 that that I would do the craziest thing of starting a school, but but we've done it and we're in our ninth year and we're going to have over 120 students this next year and um it's a real privilege, it's a real joy to quote myself. The goal is to bring out more than that child ever knew he had. That's the joy of a teacher, it's the pleasure of being a student, and it's not the product of being a victim.