Do It On Purpose

This week on the Rich Spinster Podcast, RS reflects on the loss of Dolly Parton, an icon so deeply woven into the fabric of American culture that somehow, we collectively convinced ourselves she would always be here. Her passing forces us to reckon not only with the loss of a legend, but with the strange grief that comes when someone feels too beloved, too familiar, and too permanent to ever leave us.

From there, the conversation turns to the Netflix documentary "Death of a Pastor's Wife"  and the ways belief can sometimes take an already difficult story and make it unnecessarily tragic, raising questions about faith, judgment, compassion, and what happens when doctrine gets in the way of our humanity.

But because we cannot live in the heavy all the time, RS touches on some much-needed good news. 

A little grief, a little righteous questioning, and a reminder that even when the world feels impossibly dark, there is still some light worth looking for.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

It's just all about love and life and living and freedom. That's what that's what it's all about for me now. Welcome to the Rich Spenster Podcast. Wow. What a week. Dolly Parton passed away this week at the age of 80. And I've seen so many tributes online, so many people who have poured out their hearts, and I've seen so much footage of Dolly. When people think about Dolly Parton, they think about decency. That should not be political. I got a text message from my friend Amy, and she said, not Dolly. And I'm like, Dolly, what? I went online and I just entered Dolly's name in Google and it said Dolly Parton, dead H80. I was in my kitchen looking out of the window, washing dishes, as a matter of fact, and I don't know what came over me. Grief, yes, shock, yes. But I looked out my window and I yelled, Dolly, pardon has died. But I said it like I was playing a part from Gone with the Wind. I don't know where my southern draw came from. And then I started to cry. And then when I looked online and I saw so many people expressing how she felt like the last good person in public life, even though we know that is not true. In that moment, when I got that news, my heart was broken, broken over someone I had never met. And I have a specific memory of being a child, and I heard myself being summoned from my bedroom. They were like, sing the aha song. And I'm like, What? Yeah, the Dolly Parton Kenny Rogers song. Sing the uh-a song. So we would go out there and we would sing it. Sail away with me to another world. And we rely on each other. Going out into the living room and performing Islands in the stream for the adults visiting our home. The only thing that I have ever thought about Dolly Parton's passing before this week was she better not. She better not. Dolly Parton was an American treasure. And American treasures are hard to come by these days. Our legacy, it's not the job that we have. It's not how much money we made. It's not all of those things. It is really and truly how we made people feel. There are just certain artists that come along and they mean everything. And Dolly Parton was one of those artists. But yeah, so anyway, there's just a list of people I would like the Grim Reaper to stay away from now. Morgan Freeman, uh Helen Murin, the Obamas, any Obama. I don't care. Distant cousin Obama in Africa, somewhere, stay away. Celine Dion. Did you all see the comments under the Celine Dion post? And she's sitting on this fence, and everybody under the comments were like, get your ass back inside, Celine, right? Because we're not playing now. Meryl Street, stay inside. Bette Midler, Liza Witta Z, all of y'all stay inside. Larry Fishburn, Denzel, Forrest Whitaker, Stay Inside, Angela Bassett, Jennifer Lewis, Don't You Go Anywhere. Danny Glover, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Jackson, stay home, please, take care of yourselves. There's just so many people whose art has made such an impact on my life. And I'm forever grateful that I have lived in the time where I have been able to witness. Because you know what it is too? When someone passes and they're just known to be good, there's always this thing when you're like, why them? Why them? When there are so many other 80-year-olds whose number should have been pulled, why them? And we will never know the answer to that. But what we do know, and what's obvious to me, is that when it comes to life and death, nothing is fair and unfair. It just is. What we can do is be incredibly grateful for what was. I saw something online. It was a little uh, it was on Instagram, it was a little article, and it talked about Dolly's private life and how Dolly's private life was kept incredibly private. And I have always said that a private life is a happy life, and then she did it so masterfully, being a public figure, having so many rumors about her, so many rumors about her marriage, all of those things. There were some people who said that her husband didn't even exist because they never saw him. People are weird. Nobody deserves access to our private lives. She protected her friendships, she protected her love life, she protected her family, she did not allow you as the public into a sacred space. I love that. But I saw this thing online and it talked about Dolly Parton. I'm trying to see whose page it was on. But I saw this thing and it talked about the luxury of not telling everyone everything. And it was about Dolly Parton's life. There was a quote here and it says, the thing I keep coming back to isn't the music or the charities or the big blonde hair, it's the privacy. There is something luxurious about a life that cannot be fully accessed via Instagram stories. I feel that when you give the world everything, what do you have for yourself and what is sacred? I really believe that the most private things to me need to be protected, need to be cared for. And if you just give that out to the world, to people who could care less and just use that as fodder, then how are you protecting that which is the most sacred? And that is something that that Dolly Parton did. That was an example for me over the years. No one ever saw Carl. She didn't care because she knew that the ultimate luxury of her life was her privacy. And I think that that is a beautiful way to live. The luxury of not giving everybody all of you. And to me, that is a sign of a happy life and a life well lived and a life well loved. Rest in peace, Dolly. One of my favorite Dolly Parton quotes is find out who you are and do it on purpose. Find out who you are and do it on purpose. I love that. I love that because I remember when I heard it for the first time, I was doing it on purpose. And that's that's not an easy feat in the world that's always telling you who to be. And in a world that is always telling you that who you are is not enough. I was doing it on purpose. Create your lane. And if you create your lane, and if you continue to do it on purpose, life will respond to you in ways that you never imagine. Listen, Dolly said it's hard being a diamond in a rhinestone world. And it is shit. It ain't easy, but it's worth it. And I think she was a solid example of just a decent fucking person. And yeah, that feels good to be able to look at someone and say, hey, that's a decent fucking person. A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I was going to do a bit of good news. And let me tell you what happened to me this week that made me feel so good. I uh had to go to Warby Parker to get uh a new pair of glasses that I got. I had to exchange them and get another pair adjusted. It was a whole thing. So I go in Warby Parker, and this woman was like, How can I help you? So I'm doing my thing. I'm also chit-chatting with her at the same time. And she said, Um, have you shopped at Old Navy over there before? And I said, Yeah, I have. She goes, I remember you. Now, her remembering me, I did not feel like was a big deal because I kind of stand out in the area where I live. There's not a whole lot of black people. Like, I didn't think anything of it. Like, of course, you remember me because how many black women who came in there look like me? You know what I mean? So anyway, um, she was like, I remember you. And I was like, really? And she said, Yes. She said, You were coming in and you were asking about a collab. She goes, I don't know if it was Disney or if it was Devil Wears Prada, but it was something like that. And we had this really, we had this fun exchange. And when you left, you walked out, and I thought, wow, that was a really great person. Y'all, when she said that, I wanted to hug her, cry, all of that at the same time. But when I have moments with people, I remember them, a lot of them. At least the moments that mean something to me. But this was a moment that meant absolutely nothing to me. I had no memory of it. She did look familiar, but our exchange, no memory of it whatsoever. When she said that, one, it made me feel amazing. It made me feel really good, but it also made me think about the ways that we leave people. How do people feel when we walk away? We never know. Most times we don't really know. But the fact that I had an exchange with her and that it wasn't a big deal to me, but it was something that she remembered and she remembered me. And her thought was, wow, that's a really good person. Y'all, I floated off of that. That was my that was my good news for the week. And in fact, as soon as she said it, I thought to myself, oh, I'm putting that in the car in the podcast. That has to be in there as my good news for the week because it made me feel seen. I'm so glad she had that experience with me. And it just made me feel amazing. And that the in that the universe brought us back together for her to tell me that. I needed that, especially during the week that Dolly passed away. I want to talk a little bit about grief. We're all experiencing a sort of collective grief with the passing of Dolly Parton. I really feel like the country has been grieving honestly since COVID. So I believe that there has been unexpressed, unacknowledged grief for a long time. And as things have happened politically and socially in this country, I think there's just been a lot of bargaining. All of those things, all those stages of grief that we tend to ignore as a society and we just push on through. But this week with the loss of Dolly, I have seen people just stop, just stop and acknowledge grief. And grief, though painful, though inconvenient, it is absolutely necessary that we go through the fire of grief. But a lot of times we don't want to go through all of the stages of grief because that transformative power of grief is scary and it's weighty and it's inconvenient. And what the fuck? No one talks about that. So, by the way, have you guys stocked up on your meat out there? Have you stocked up on your beef? Listen, a lot of the people that I know, we're just not going to buy it at all. I'm fortunate that during the summer, I have neighbors who provide most of my vegetables, but I want to maybe create a garden or have a local butcher. Like I'm just I'm just not trusting. And as we see, all the food recalls that are happening. Look at all the food recalls: eggs, alfalfa sprouts, iceberg lettuce, guacamole, and other produce, rice, pickle products. The fuck? We have mangoes, we have salad mix, jalapeno ranch dressing, outshine fruit bars, potato sourdough bread, chocolate dip, vanilla donuts, dips, salsa, guacamole, and other products containing jalapenos. Y'all, you can't eat shit. This administration does not care. What? They do not care. They don't care if you are all on the toilet screaming for God. They don't give a damn. I don't know about y'all, but when I was a kid, I used to eat all kinds of stuff, like pickled sausages and pickled eggs. I love pickled anything. I still love pickles, but a pickled sausage, now if my stomach could take a pickled sausage, I really feel like my stomach could almost take anything, but I'm not chancing it. So much is fucked up. The Supreme Court is fucked up, the administration is fucked up, the environment is fucked up, and now you can't even stress eat. Gotta talk about this because I watched this last night. If you all watched The Death of a Pastor's Wife on Netflix, oh if you have not watched that, go watch it right now. And what you will see is so much religious fuckery. If you have not seen it, go see it and then come back and listen to the rest of the Rich Penser podcast. Because I gotta talk about this. I am not a hundred percent sure how this woman died. I don't know if she died from her own depression, or if somebody put something in her ear. If somebody told her, God said do this, or God told me you should go meet him. I don't know. But something about the way that she died did not sit well with me. But when you see the cult-like nature of religion, this man was up in the pulpit preaching about sex and marriage and a woman's duty to her husband, which was basically to lay on her backs and spread it wide, was basically what he's saying. And you're sitting there with women and men in the congregation, amen, and going every Sunday. This minister is having affairs and marrying this woman who he had an affair with and abusing her sexually. This man was preaching on Sundays and then driving her around and paying homeless men to ejaculate on her. What? She had to have sex with him like four times a day because that was her wifely duty. She started taking testosterone to keep up with his sex drive. And she did, and in the name of Jesus, what are we talking about here? Now, now, mind you, bless her heart, she suffered with mental health issues. So oftentimes we see religious psychosis and mental health issues go hand in hand, right? I'm talking about the people sitting up in the congregation knowing that a lot of this stuff was going on and doing nothing. And when I say doing nothing, they kept coming to church. This man, you know, had another affair, ended up marrying the woman after her, marrying after she died. He ends up marrying somebody else. He still has a congregation. He still has people who listen to him minister. Let me tell you something. And this is, you know, a lot of people don't like to hear this, but the skills of a minister are the exact same skills of a con man, they're the exact same skills as cult leaders, they're exact same skills as salesmen. That is what a minister is: a salesman. They are selling you Jesus. Imagine being told by your minister, who's your husband, that basically your value as a woman is wrapped up in a man. Your value is wrapped up in your husband, and your job is to satisfy him sexually. If that ain't some shit some men put together, I don't know what is. And for women to not only sit there and listen to it, but to believe it. You know how many women I have talked to who have tried to convince me that proof that they should be subservient to their husband or to their man is because they came from his rib. You did not come from a man's fucking rib.

unknown 18:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:23

Learn some science, motherfuckers. We're valuable just as you are because you were born. Okay? Because life took a chance on you, not because men needed help.

unknown 18:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

That is not why you are here. But here's the thing, too. When you demonize sex, that's what happens. When you make sex something that shouldn't be talked about, when you make sex abnormal, and you have all of these abnormal rules and regulations around sex, and it's sinful to even think about it and all of that kind of stuff. That's what happens. That's what that brings out deviance, I believe. Y'all won't even talk to your children about sex, but you'll talk to the children about the Easter bunny. I had many conversations growing up about God and religion and and how Jesus died on the cross, then three days later, his ass got up. All of this kind of stuff, right? But I had questions. Did Jesus have siblings? How did he just get up? Was there decomposition that happened between the first and the third day? What about Rigamore? All of that just went away. If God is full of love, why would he sacrifice his son if he knew all of this shit was gonna happen? Isn't that a little sadistic? I had questions as a child. Nobody could answer them, just believe. But what we want you to do is believe this. Let's talk about the Easter Bunny, let's talk about Santa Claus, let's talk about all this stuff, but we're not gonna talk about sex because sex is dirty. Then of course, you grow up and you marry the first person you think that you're in love with, and of course, y'all join this church, and you end up in this culture of pastor worship, and it ends up being about the church and the culture of the church, and it never ends up being about God. Because if it was really about God, you wouldn't need the church in the first place. What would have happened if that woman had been freed from the burden of her faith? If she had been liberated from the burden of her religion, could she have uh fully addressed her mental health issues in a way that would have sustained her? Perhaps. But I can tell you her life would have been better. That pastor's up there with Diddy. Who the hell is fucking four times a day? That's religious repression, that's a sexual repression that makes it more desirable, right? You tell somebody not to do something, you tell somebody it's dirty, tell somebody not to talk about it, don't look at it. And the fact that it's natural and they're telling you this makes that desire, I believe, even stronger. I don't understand giving overpower to a man for anything. For anything, just blindly giving. Why are you doing that? Who told you that men should lead? Men now, don't get me wrong, there's some men who are wonderful leaders, and there are some women who are wonderful leaders, but I am not calling somebody a leader based on their gender. Cause have y'all met men? Oh no. A man who wants a woman to yield to him, to submit to him is an insecure man. Here's the thing about the death of a pastor's wife is also this is not an unheard of story. How many times have we heard about pastoral abuse? Sexual and otherwise, men and women abused by pastors. Perhaps it's because everybody's looking for an answer. They want to feel secure. They want to feel seen. They want to feel less alone. They want to feel like they're prepared to go through whatever life throws at them. And guess what? You're not prepared. Life is going to throw some bullshit your way. Life is going to throw some stuff your way that you absolutely 100% don't deserve. Life is going to be unfair. It's going to be cruel at times. It's going to be scary at times. And the church is not going to stop that. But seeking the church with all of that uncertainty that life just is, I understand while people cleave to the church. I just wish they wouldn't cleave to such harm. Look at the death of the pastor's wife. A lot of y'all have died and don't even know it. She literally died. But a lot of people are sitting in their spiritual homes and they are spiritually bankrupt because of those homes. Watch the death of a pastor's wife. Let me know what you think about it. Happy Virgo season to all of the Virgos out there. It is our time. Especially a special shout out to September Virgos because our time is approaching this week. September.

unknown 23:28

Man.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

September is my favorite month of the year. Not only because it's my birthday month, but everything that I love begins in September. All the best people, I feel like, are Virgos. Famous September Virgos, Zendaya, Gnu Reeves, Beyoncé, Bernie Sanders, Pink. They both share my birthday. Idris Elba. Gloria Estefan. Gloria Estefan is a Virgo. I didn't even know that.

unknown 23:58

No wonder.

SPEAKER_00 23:59

I love Gloria Estefan. I did not know that she was a September Virgo, but now it all makes sense. Selma Hayek. Selma Hayek is a September Virgo.

unknown 24:11

I get that.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

Anyway, there are so many wonderful September Virgos out there. So I want everybody to enjoy Virgo season. Enjoy the start of September. September is transformative. This is a perfect time to make new habits, to create new goals, make lists, all the things that we Virgos love. We are like the unfuckwittable sign. We're a sign of people that will be there. We love you. We're gonna fight for you, but we're also not about the bullshit. If you are a September Virgo and you're seeing this on social media, go ahead and put a green heart down below and tell me your birthday. And happy birthday to all of the September Virgos. Ain't nothing wrong with being a Virgo. On that note, have a sweet week. Thank you for listening to the Rich Spenster Podcast. You can listen to the podcast anywhere you listen to podcasts. You can also watch the podcast in its entirety on YouTube at Rich Spenster and follow me on Instagram at Rich Spenster. I will talk to you all soon. Have a great week.