Santa Fe

First episode of "The Butterfly Pavilion" podcast filmed and recorded in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Nikki Godwin talks with her dad about his long covid and stage IV cancer journey and how to still manage to live live with a terminal disease. 

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• Email us: butterflypavilionpod@gmail.com

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, I'm Nikki Godwin.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

And I'm Tommy Godwin. And welcome to the Black Flight Pavilion Hunt.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Wow, that was a great thing. We were synchronized.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

We were synchronized.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Synchronite.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

It's like you we're related.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Well, that's a great segue. Um, as mentioned, I'm Nikki Dum, but this is my dad. We are a father daughter do, if you couldn't tell by our lunchous red locks.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Ginger power.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Total ginger power, yes. Um, but we wanted to go ahead and explain a little bit about the reason for starting this podcast together. We truly don't care if anyone else tunes into it. This is something that my mom, thank you, mom, actually recommended very casually. Like, hey, why don't you start making videos with your dad? And I thought that was a really great idea. Um, I think in this digital day and age.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Um to date myself, we we we did something similar with with your grandma and grandpa Leela and Lyle, but I had like this you know, camcorder that was like a boombox. Um, but we we did something similar, and we still have that on VHS. It's been converted to digital. So I think it's a great idea.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah, totally. Um, and so we just wanted to take the time to sit down and talk about life and experiences and the elephant in the room. Our memories, yes, and the the elephant in the room, um, which is also another reason why I wanted to start this podcast. Um, my dad has been diagnosed with stage four cancer, and we just want to talk about it, we want to bring awareness to it to other audience members, um, but also have these videos and content to look back on um to, you know, in the next few days and the next few years, uh, just just to have these memories and these conversations. And we are both very creative people, I would say. Um, and so this is a nice fun outlet for us. So welcome to to the Butterfly Pavilion Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

Well, and thank you if if only uh one or two family members watch it, or um we're the next Joe Rogan, and um my wife and daughter get to live on uh royalties and perpetuity. That's my hope is down the road it explodes.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Um but we we are open for brand deals.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

I'm looking for that Pluvicto um uh sponsorship.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Well, and just like a little, you know, a bit more background about who we are. Um I'm 30 years old, I just turned 30. Um we're Colorado natives. Um we currently live in Denver, Colorado. Um it's a horrible place, don't move there, transplants. Um, but we love our state. Um and yeah, love Denver.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Well, and before we jump into the meat of the questions, um uh I'll point out uh that Nikki was nomading um with her boyfriend Colin, uh, meaning that she can work remotely. So she was traveling the Western US and uh got as far as the central time zone when the news hit. Um but um I didn't ask her to do this, but she you know made uh the ultimate sacrifice that a dad would any dad would love, and that was that she moved back to Denver. And again, I wouldn't have ever asked her to do that because I know she was having a great time, but uh she calls every day, she comes by at least once a week, and you know it's a big boost to you know uh my week and my days, because there's you know definitely some some uh you know uh challenging days and moments as I traverse stage four cancer.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Well, I love you, Dad, and I would have made the same decision over and over again because I love you too, and how do they make it is it is it's a good thing.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Oh, it's the young kids are doing that. Oh, the young kids are doing that. I'll have to practice.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna practice the heart motions that we're doing.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Mine looks like a police mine looks like a police badge.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

We're gonna um but no, yeah, it's well I love you too, and I'm excited that you uh that we're doing this.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

And so maybe I'll so we we thought a long time about the name Butterfly Pavilion, and uh it's uh may seem confusing from a branding standpoint because all of my socials is all about uh seeking Boston and the unicorn, of course. Um but the what's up with that? Yes, I mean I will explain. So I'm I'm the king of metaphors. Um the butterfly pavilion uh relates to a story when Nikki was a young girl, um, and her mom took her to the butterfly pavilion, and she was having a great time in her little t-shirt dress, and she decided to pick a flower because she's a little girl and she saw a pretty flower. Well, there was a teenager that came along and ripped the flower out of his hand, out of her hand, and said, uh, the flowers are the butterfly's food, and you're not supposed to do that, but I heard this story and I was irate, and I called and got a hold of the CEO of the Pilvalian. Um, and I didn't want this to happen, but they ultimately ultimately you know fired the young teenager because you don't come in contact with a young girl, but uh for me it kind of symbolizes how I protected um my daughter as a dad would do, and I think butterfly is a metamorphosis um um metaphor, but it also feels like as we're transitioning in this stage of life, Nikki's moved back to Denver. She's very involved in dad's life, and it feels like there's a bit of a role reversal where she's now protecting dad. Um so I thought it was a great uh story and metaphor for our podcast.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

Yes. No, it's been uh something that has been consistent, that story throughout our my life.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Um because I never retell a story.

SPEAKER_00 7:15

No, never. Um so yeah, we're we're excited to be here. Um, but dad, can you tell us a little bit more about how you found out about your cancer?

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Yeah, well, uh as much as we can try to keep stage four cancer light, uh, because we want to, you know, talk about how I'm living, how we're living. Um The elephant in the room is I've got stage four cancer. And it was November of well, actually it goes back to summer of 23, and I felt something was wrong. I thought maybe I had a hernia, um, got tested for hernia. Um insurance in this country, whole nother episode because I've changed uh insurance companies so many times because I've been on disability with long COVID for four years at that point. Um so I didn't have a stable family doctor. Um, so I got a new family doctor. And now, granted, that probably didn't change things in a grand scheme of things, but it took me like four months to actually get in to a really good family doctor. He's like, Have you ever had a PSA test? And for the men in our audience, um I will defer to the American Cancer Society as to what age you start doing that, but certainly in your 40s or 50s, you should. It's a simple blood test, and that was the first step. He's like, Hey, we need to do this. Um, normal range is between one and four, and my first test came back to a 77. So they were freaked out. I was a little freaked out, but I at that point I wasn't that worried because it could be something else. Um, it could be one of two things, and the the worst outcome is cancer. So it you know wound up being a biopsy um and uh an MRI and they ultimately found I had metastasized stage four cancer, so it started in the prostate, and um prostate doesn't jump to organs, which is good, um, but it does jump to bone. Um so I've got some some rib pain and largely in the pelvic area, so heating pad is my friend.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

I can relate to that as well.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Um and um I as the Beatles say, I get by with a little help from my friends at night with a little pain medication, but it was um, you know, it's taken a long time to adjust to having stage four cancer. Uh as you can imagine, when we got the news um in the consult room with the doctor, it was my wife and I, and he had a very joking bedside manner, which I liked, um, but he was very stoke. And he said, Hey, I think you knew from your PSA test that this is not good, and it's not good. And he explained the stage four cancer and how it metastasized uh within my body. So it happened to be around Thanksgiving, and I think the toughest part was um telling everyone. You know, I had a hard time getting up the strength to tell you.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Um I remember that.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

And um my Aunt Marge was in town and called her over and had a small you know, siblings, um, two of my siblings in town and Aunt Marge and shared the story, and it was I could make eye ton contact. Um, you know, because it was obviously devastating. Um but um that was how I found out. Um how did you I know we weren't going to talk about it?

SPEAKER_00 11:11

We were like, we're not talking about it.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

We're not gonna ask Nikki how she processed it, but um was it a phone? I'm trying to remember, did you come over or was it a phone call?

SPEAKER_00 11:20

It was it was a phone call because at the time my boyfriend Colin and I were still traveling, we work remotely, we were Airbnb hopping. Right. And we were in St. Louis, um, not in a great area, but a nice Airbnb. Uh I digress. But it was right around the holidays or before Airbnb. It was right before Thanksgiving. Yeah, right before Thanksgiving. Um got that phone call, which was a lot to process and a little bit difficult hearing bad news and not being right at home. Um, but we were already planning on coming home anyways for Thanksgiving, so we quickly obviously came home after that. But I mean, as far as processing, I'm sure a lot of other families that have family members with cancer, it's a lot to process, and I think I personally am still processing what's happening even to this day. Um, it definitely has taken a while to sink in that this is reality and um life's a bitch, and it just throws curveballs that no one is expecting, and you just have to get through it. Uh the only way out is through. I don't know who that is uh quoted from, but it's so true. Um, and with cancer specifically, there's nothing that we can do, or specifically that I can do outside of just being here for my family and being supportive and asking for how I can help. I'm not a doctor. I wish there was a cure for cancer, or I had a magician magical power to make it go away, but I can't. So just kind of coming to terms with that. Um so to answer your question, I haven't really processed it.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

Well, that's I think that's a I think it's a journey. And um, you know, I think when I first got the diagnosis, I I struggle with, hey, I'm too young, and I want weddings, I want I love kids, I want grandkids. And I think that was the hardest thing for me to process. Um but I think I've uh moved on from that, um, and am now thinking more about what I can do and what experiences can I have while I'm you know still on the earth. So I I don't stress over, oh, I wanted six grandchildren, and that's not gonna happen, or whatever. So the pressure's off, by the way.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Yeah, for the record, thanks Todd for the role out in my No, but it's it's true.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

I I I think that was my first reaction is well, I you know, my you know, I was still working, I was in the prime of my career and in income generation and you know, before I got long COVID, and we'll talk about that in another episode, but um my career was cut short with long COVID and and subsequently cancer, so I will never go back to work. Um, so that was a major adjustment, and you know, uh my wife and I love to travel, and you know, um you know there are days and weeks where I wake up at 10 or noon and I go to the sofa. So that um, but there are other days when I can you know grab some slice of life, even if that's sitting outside with with my wife, Franzi, holding her hand, and I try and grab what I can. Um Having said that, there are definitely dark moments, and at home at home in our bedroom, I'll be laying on my back, and there's a uh sono speaker that shines a very you know small light through our lamp and it projects this lamp on the ceiling, and that's what I stare at at night. Um when I my mind wanders to you know death, mortality, and you know, waffling between the the ugly and the scary to hey, what can I still do, you know, while I'm here.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Well, and speaking of slices of experience, we totally forgot to tell everyone where we are right now. We're in New Mexico and we decided to take a trip together as a family. We've been here for what a week now. It's not the normal setting. But I think for me, you know, all I want is experiences and time spent with my dad, and that also really is truly what life is about is living in the moment and being mindful and present of just what's happening, but also just grateful for the good pieces. Um but also understand, you know, dad through your experience. There's times of low lows that are that are true and very valid feelings. Um, but I think you've done an amazing job and the best job that you can to you know live live your life and also leverage the resources that are provided, obviously, through C U A and shoes, of course on the medical side, but also on the behavioral health side as well, because mental and physical health are equally important.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Yeah, and uh the disclaimer for uh insurance is uh this is a respite, and and I think all oncology, and in fact my oncologist um recommends uh to uh uh push yourself to have you know to continue living and having life experiences. So we we're in a great, you know, uh Airbnb that my wife found. Granted, there are most days where it resembles my days at home, where I am uh I've slept in till noon a number of days and then taken a nap in the afternoon. Uh we've had great meals here. Lots of great meals. The uh Nuggets and Avalanche have not helped us uh while we're here because Nikki Nikki is such a sports uh uh fan. But no, that that has been that has been fun, you know, just walk watching games with um uh Colin um and now uh Nikki or uh uh Keenan and Nay have have arrived.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

Yeah, it's been a great rest uh retreat, if you will, and just been it's been all nice to be in the same physical space as you. I've been meaning to share that with you, even though if you're just sleeping in the next room, the fact that I'm like near you makes me really happy.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

Or na napping on the sofa while you were working. You had headphones on, so hopefully I didn't snore too loud.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

No, no. I didn't even know you were sleeping until I popped out of my work zone and realized you were there. But again, it's like your presence.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

There's a man sleeping in uh next to my work zone.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

Not in your underwear though. No, don't do that when he's around.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Um strict rules about that.

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Obviously. But um, well, so something that everyone may not know about you is that you have a lot of parody voices in your mental roster, um, and you would, as when we were kids, well, before we go there, because I do want to do that, I'm trying to stick to the outline, Dad.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yes, we did um uh g glaze over the the whole Boston thing.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

Um Well, you you briefly touched on the pivot away for our podcast specifically, but yeah, like tell us what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Well, no, so uh just you know, for branding clarification, because my daughter talked to me about branding today.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

We did have a conversation.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

All of my socials are tied to either seeking Boston or seeking Boston Marathon because I started a blog back in what 2007 because I wanted to uh race in the Boston Marathon. And I ultimately uh qualified and raced in five Boston Marathons.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

Hell yeah, you did.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

I thought I would go on forever, but uh um ultimately age and um um you know, but regardless, I've kept those social brands and it's become an advocacy platform for both long COVID as well as um you know cancer. Um so you will see uh me referred to as uh either Ty or Dad or seeking Boston. So I wanted to clarify that. But you were giving going to voices.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Yes. Um when you when we were kids, and also unfortunately, still to this day, um, I say unfortunately because dad cracks a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

Well, no, the joke this week is that I I am the progressive uh commercial, the dad commercial dad, the the dad and the progressive commercials.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

Yes, that's uh not an exaggeration either, but yes, when we were younger, you kind of started building this library of different cartoon voices to entertain us. So why don't you go ahead and share a few?

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Well, I'll share one because just one of the things we're gonna have we're gonna have more than one podcast, I'm hoping. Um but no, it it um uh as a point in the journey, you know, um we are a blended family in that um uh got divorced when uh Nikki and Jesse were very young, and I think I doubled down as I I call myself the Disney dad in that we actually did go on a Disney cruise, but we did um I tried very hard to um invest heavily into to being a dad, and I took that to extremes of wearing a Spider-Man costume to Jesse's birthday party uh where he was quite horrified. Um but there were a lot of trips to Blockbuster renting videos for the weekend, and yes, so I developed voices and you know trying to entertain my kids. Um so I think an early one was Shrek. Um course there's a lot of scenes, but I think it's uh ogres. Um ogres or squeeze jelly from their eyes. It's actually quite good on toast. That one is sorry, I didn't I didn't practice that one, but it came to me.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

That one is said uh a lot normally around breakfast time.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Yes. Because it's quite good on toast.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Very good, very good on toast. Great movie. Um well that's that's kind of our first episode. Um must daddy have anything else you would like to do?

SPEAKER_01 22:45

No, I don't I don't think so. It it um, you know, it's a heavy topic, but um we want to see where this goes to you know e share memories that um even if it's again just for us to uh talk about camping trips or that that Disney cruise, and that could be the next episode of uh because that was a great time um at that time with just the three of us. It was pretty grand. But um, I'm excited to see where this goes and even if it's a time capsule for you know the family. Um but you know, thanks for tuning in to um the Butterfly Pavilion podcast.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

Yeah, thank you. We'll see you soon. I'm not gonna say next week. Yes.