Denial: "I'm Fine"

If you've ever told yourself you're fine, not realizing the toll denial was taking on you, this episode is for you.

In this episode, I share my personal journey of ignoring the signs in a relationship, constantly saying “I’m fine” while everyone around me could see something was wrong. I talk about how walking in denial hindered my walk with God and blocked me from growing deeper in intimacy with Him.

The truth is, I either couldn’t see what was happening… or I didn’t want to see it because facing the truth meant I would have to face myself. I didn’t realize how much I was abandoning myself in that space. I had become codependent and was willing to stay in denial because I didn’t want to hurt my boyfriend at the time.

Denial is damaging, y’all. It keeps us disconnected from truth, from healing, from ourselves, and ultimately from God.

In this episode, I also share how God met me in that place of denial with grace, love, and truth—and helped me face what I couldn’t see on my own.

If you’ve been avoiding the truth or silencing the signs, I pray this episode gives you the courage to finally face it and begin healing. 💛

Follow me on this journey toward healing, truth, and deeper intimacy with God.

Email us at loveabundantlyministry@gmail.com if you have a comment or want to connect with us.  Also, invite your friends to listen.  Thank you for the support. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Hey, you guys, and welcome to Abundly Love Podcast. I am Gwendolyn Malika Miller. I am the founder of Love Abundly Ministry. And this podcast, if you are a single woman, and I'm gonna be more specific, if you are disciple of Jesus and you're single or someone who is in love with God and also wondering how to live this single life and waiting for God, you are at the right podcast. I am a single woman, been a disciple of Jesus for 28 years, and I wrote a book about it called 40 Years of Virgin, Wild Aweight, Promoting Purity in the World of Promiscuity. And I am going to be talking with you a little bit from the book, but it's all connected about the thing for this particular season. This season is all about denial. Walking in denial. Why do I want to talk about that? I want to talk about it because we, if we're walking in denial, we won't face the truth about who we are. We won't face the truth that we need to face in order for us to get towards healing that will draw us closer and deeper in intimacy with God. Because the whole goal for me as a single woman is to help my sisters and my brothers who may be listening to help you grow deeper in intimacy with God and overcome the roadblocks that's blocking you and getting there. Why? Because that has been my journey. That has been what I've had to go through in order for me to get to the place where I'm at right now in my walk with Jesus, in my walk with my father, to grow deeper in intimacy with him, in love with him. There have been things that I've had to go through, grow through in order for me to get to this space. And I'm going to be talking a little bit about that as we go along over the next episodes, right? But today I want to lay the foundation for the denial aspect as we walk on this path. Why are we talking about denial? How does this affect us? And where do we want to, how do we get through it? What are we going to do? What are we going to do in order for us to get through it? So denial, you guys, and if you don't know right now, if I haven't said this, if you haven't listened to my podcast before, I'm a licensed professional counselor in the state of Tennessee and in Mississippi. And I'm also a pastoral counselor, and I am certified in dialectical behavior therapy, which talks about acceptance a lot and mindfulness practices a lot. And I am also trained in kind of behavior therapy. My background, it helps me to really be able to use the scriptures to work with our cognitive behavior aspects, if that makes sense. So I merge the Bible with NCBT, I merged the Bible with dialectic behavior therapy and all those different things. Now, denial is a form of a defense mechanism that blocks us from really seeing who we are. It's a something that's happening in our brains that's clouding over our brains, and it's considered to be irrational thinking patterns that's stopping us from really facing what is true. In the Bible, it talks about in Romans 12, it says, be renewed by the transformation of your mind. Then you can test and prove what God's perfect will is. That's Gwendolyn Malika's version. No, no, just a little part of NIV version, right? But being transformed by the renewing of our minds, how can I be transformed in a renewing of my mind if I'm not really facing the truth about where my mind is? Let me say that again. I think y'all need to hear that. How can I be transformed by the renewing of my mind if I'm not facing the truth of where my mind is? We can't be. If I'm walking around thinking more highly of myself than I ought to, it's another scripture that talks about that, and being unwilling to really see myself or who I am because of the feelings or the emotions that would come through from that realization, then I won't ever change. Or in another way, if I'm ignoring things about my character or ignoring things about the character of someone I'm in relationship with, and choosing to remain in a relationship with this person, even though their character is a particular way, then how is that damaging me? Living in that space of denial. So for me personally, you guys, and and and this is a really big thing for me to talk about because when I became a disciple years ago, my prayer was God help me not to be in denial about who I am. Reveal to me my heart, help me to see myself because I've gone so many years in this mindset of not wanting to see myself because of fear of seeing my weaknesses, walking in pride, not wanting to see flaws, or when people point out things to me, not wanting to see it, because it'll make me feel insecure or make me feel beneath them or make me feel uncomfortable, whatever those emotions are, it'll make me feel those ways that that particular way. So I had to ask God, help me to see myself for how you see me. And then at the same time, help me to overcome whatever aspect it is that's hindering me and becoming a person I'm called to be in Jesus, because we're called to be transformed in Jesus' likeness. When we're called to be disciples, we're true Christians of His, because Christian means being Christ-like. How can I be Christ-like if I'm not understanding my own behavior that's not like Christ? And I'm not willing to face that particular behavior that's not like Christ. And then because of that, how does not seeing the people that's in my life and how their behavior is affecting me? And choosing to remain in those relationships and being in toxic relationships because of me not seeing them for who they are, how has that affecting me? Y'all, let me tell you how it has affected me over my years. Now, I want you to go, if you haven't done this yet, my all my people that's been following me from the first season, you guys have heard my book before. If you go on um Barnes and Nobles or on Amazon, you'll be able to get this book. But I wrote the book again called 40 Years of Virgin, Why the Wake, promoting purity in a will of promiscuity. And I wrote this book for you, my sisters, my baby sisters, my little sisters who are new to Christ, who are trying to figure this thing out, or some of you guys who have been Christians for many years and really trying to understand what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. I wrote this book for you. Honesty, honestly, because again, I've been a disciple of Jesus for 28 years, living this walk as a single woman, being pure and fighting my temptations and all those things, being honest and learning how to be honest about it. Right now in the book, I talk about a relationship that I was in years ago, years ago. And in that relationship, I had on blinders because I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be in love, I wanted to have a relationship with someone. But because of that desire, it led me to ignore the signs that I saw in his character and give excuses for. Literally, I'm like, hold up, wait a minute. I'm a chick from Arkansas, and I will pick up a brick and bust you inside your head. You don't know me. You got the wrong one. And I was like, Look, obviously, there's something about me that's leading you to say that. We don't need to talk no more. And I cut the relationship off. I cut off the friendship altogether. And I called some of the brothers in the ministry that he was in, got him some help, and he wrote me a letter apologizing to me. And but I didn't talk to him for two years. I stopped talking to him. But in between those two years, I had started leading all women's Bible talk group and discipling women in that group. And some of them were coming to me saying to me, Hey, I went on a date with so-and-so, and he was kind of great, you know. And my mind, like, why y'all telling me this? I don't need to know, you know. Another one would come like, he was really encouraging, and you know, he was really cool. I'm like, oh, okay, good to know that. And fast forward, I see him at a singles devotional, and he comes up to me out of nowhere and asks me, Hey, my sister's having a birthday party. Would you go on a date with me to this thing? And I said, Let me check my calendar. But in my mind, I was thinking, you going on dates with all these other sisters, why are you coming up to me asking me this question? But so I was like, okay, let me pray about it. And I went back to him and I said, Okay, I'm free during that day. But it has to be a double date because I didn't feel comfortable going by myself with him. Because I didn't know where he was at, you know. He calls me the day of the of the um the trip. We were going to go to New Jersey. So he calls me on the day of the birthday party. He tells me the couple that he had gotten backed out, and I'm like, okay, I had already said yes because my yes was my yes, so let me go. So on the way there, he started apologizing to me and telling me about how he saw the wrong and what he said, and he's working on himself and all those things. And I can see the sincerity in it, you know, and and I was like, okay, and and we get to the party, it was fun, and everything like that. So my guards have been coming down a little bit. And then on the way back, he stopped and helped someone change attire and all this other stuff. So I was like, I was seeing some shifts in him, you know. And so fast forward, we started talking on the phone again, and um, he had mentioned to me that he had been in a relationship before when he had left God and went back to the world, and um, and he was abusive in that relationship. And, you know, so I had that in the back of my mind. And then during our conversations, I was I didn't see any of that as he was building a friendship with me. I didn't see any, I just saw this gentle guy with me, you know. And I started liking him. I opened up my heart and started liking him. I was attracted to him. And by let's say this is like 2015, 2016, I don't know what year it was, but that by the January of the next year or February next year, he and I shared that we liked each other and we put some boundaries in it and not talked so much or anything like that to protect our hearts because we weren't dating at that time. And then from there by March, he had contacted some my best friends and we went to shrines in New York City, in Harlem, New York City. And as we were walking down the block to go to shrines, he stopped and he was like, Hey, I've been dating these other sisters, but every time I'm on a date with them, I always think about you. So, what do you think about making it just me and you? And I was like, hmm, let me think about it. Come on, let's go. That was that should have been a warning for me, right? But he said, Hold on, let me give you something to think about. So he pulled out of his coat pocket 10 reasons why Gwen should say yes to being my girlfriend. And he started reading these 10 reasons why I should be his girlfriend, right? And I was like, Okay, yes, I'd be your girlfriend. So we go to shrines and my friends are there, and and it was a big thing, right? It was a really cool thing. But fast forward, his true color started coming out, and I ignored it. I'm like, oh, he's gonna be okay. Like, okay, he has to learn how to handle himself, you know. But mind you, here's the thing for me. I grew up in an abusive household, and he was triggering me because it reminded me of my dad. And my dad was really angry at times and would shift. He would be so loving one time, it'd be different. So with him, it was the same thing. He'll be loving at one time, then he'll shift to be something else. And I never forget one of my friends at that time saw him getting angry with me and arguing with me at the stoplight or something like that. And she was like, Gwen, I'm worried about you. But I'm in mind, I'm like, I'm not seeing anything wrong because to me, he's not hitting me, he's not doing anything. And and I'm really trying to protect him. Different ministry people were coming up to me, asking me about how's the relationship going? How are you doing? And in my mind, I'm like, we're doing fine, we're doing fine, everything is fine. But they were seeing the signs that it wasn't fine, and I couldn't see it. I couldn't see the manipulation, I couldn't see the emotional abuse, I couldn't see any of those things, the verbal abuse. I couldn't see it. Because to me, I was in denial about his behavior. I was in denial of who he was, you know. And I never forget, we were at this singles conference, and I was actually leading the worship, helping the lead worship, because you guys know I'm a singer. And so go and check out my music on Spotify and I'm Malika Miller. Check it out. Um, and I was helping to lead worship, and he would not do the song the way that I wanted to do it. And he embarrassed me, and I just sang the song, and we were in the back, and I we were in the back practicing, and I sang the song, and after I left singing the song, I went and the sisters sit wrapped around me, and I just broke down crying because of how he had just treated me. And when we walked from behind stage and I went to another sister who was leading the singles ministry at the time, and she said to me, Gwen, sometimes you gotta let things go, you gotta let people go so they can figure it out. Because that's what she had to do with her husband, let him go so he can find himself in God and figure it out. And I was like, okay, and I went on stage and I worshiped God and led worship and all that stuff. And it was, I it took a lot for me to do that, you know. But and I think prior to that, on that Saturday night, he was sitting outside. It was a big party going on, and I love dancing, y'all. It was a big party going on, and he was outside moping on the couch. I'm like, what is going on with him? So I went outside and I sat with him. He was like, I'm upset because you did this. And I looked at him like, where is this coming from? I was so confused, like, what is going on with him? It was just weird. Um, it was just really weird. Sorry, y'all, my phone was just ringing, but it was just really weird, like, what is going on here? And he just kept wanting to argue with me about pulling something out. I didn't know what he thought the argument was out. And I was like, dude, this is really stupid. I don't really understand. And I'm sitting here with trying to understand for almost an hour or so, and I'm looking back, my friends are coming out like Gwen, where are you at? And then one of them just came out with her arms crossed and just stood there, looked at me, and waited for me to come. And I said, Okay, I'm going, I'm leaving him right here, and let me go over here and check and go and dance. And so I went to the bathroom first and cried and and because I was so frustrated, and then from there went into the party and danced a little bit. Then I started feeling guilty because he was out there still moping or whatever, and I left my friends to go and check on him to see how he was doing, right? Oh, such a codependent relationship that I wasn't even aware of, but I didn't even know that that was in my nature to even do that, y'all. But that's how I grew up, that's where I came from and watched that in my household. So it was all unconsciously, I was unconsciously being my mom, and he was being my dad. And I'll come back to that in a few minutes, right? But after that, y'all, fast forward, I started praying for God to break us up because I could feel the uneasiness in the relationship. I remember one day going on a date to a couple in the Bronx and him trying to brace himself up to me. And again, like I said earlier, I'm from Arkansas and I don't play that. And him trying to brace himself up to me. I'm like, okay, what you gonna do? Because we're gonna like I'm a disciple of Jesus, but I ain't gonna let you beat my butt. That ain't gonna happen. You know what I mean? Anyway, he calmed himself down and stepped back, you know. But I prayed for God to break us up because I I felt like I couldn't do it, because I thought that if I broke us up, that it'll hurt him worse, and I felt like I could take it better. Check that. I was not loving myself in that space, thinking that I could handle it better and staying in a toxic relationship because of fear of hurting someone else. I wasn't loving me. Oh my goodness, y'all. How many of you guys can relate to this story? I didn't even finish with the story yet. Let me know if you can relate in your story too. But fast forward, we go to Jacob Jabba Center. I'm helping to lead worship at Jacob Jabit Center with 4,000 people in the congregation singing all those different things, and we have planned a date afterwards and stuff. So we go out and we sit down here. I made some sandwiches and everything, and we sit there. He hands me a card and said that it's where it's been 15 months, good 15 months for him, and and so, but he wants to break up with me because he needs to get himself together or something like that. I don't remember what the card said, but I read the card, looks at him, looked at him, about to say something to him about okay, okay, what's going on? Where's this going and whatever? He jumps up and walks away. I had no chance to say anything about any of it, right? So I was left with no closure in that time, at that day. So I went from there, I went to my friend's house. I mean, went to my one of my friends, went out with me to lunch and let me cry and talk about it, and my other friends let me try, talk about it and whatever. And I felt so foolish. I'm like, God, what's wrong with me? Why did I stay in a relationship like this? And my eyes wasn't open to see it. You know, I'm like, everybody was warning me and trying to tell me, like, Gwen, we're seeing this, we're seeing that, but I couldn't see any of it because I was in denial about what was happening. Fast forward, me and God sat down. And when we sat down, it was like me crying out to God, like saying, like, God, why did you allow me to, this is where I was saying, why'd you allow me to be in a relationship like that that would hurt me in this way? Notice it was my choice to be in that relationship. I could have stepped out of the relationship, but I wanted to blame God for the hurt that I was feeling in that moment, right? But Jesus came and confronted me in that space. And this is what he said, y'all. First of all, I had to open up to John 21, and y'all go back and read John 21 when he reinstates Peter. And so he reinstated Peter and asking Peter, do you love me more than these? These being whatever these were for Peter. But he was asking me, Gwen, do you love me more than these? These being my desire for the relationship, my desire for money, my desire for a music career, for fame, and all those sort of things. Do you love me more than these? And I had to be honest at this point. I had to really decide to face myself. And I said, No, Lord, I don't love you more than these. Hope me to love you more than these, God. Y'all, that broke me. Help me to love to have to ask the Lord, the God who sent his only son to die for me and for Jesus to show me how much intensely he loves me by going through everything he went through for me to have to ask him to help me to love him back. Oh my goodness, that broke me. After that, he sent me to Ezekiel 16. And in Ezekiel 16, it talks about how Israel was the adulterous woman towards God. Go back and read it for yourself. He was telling me that I had committed emotional. Emotional adultery against him. I had never slept with my airs or anything like that. But in my mind, I was struggling with impure thoughts. I was imagining us sleeping together. I was imagining all these things. So I had committed adultery already, or impurities in my mind, sexual morality in my mind. I was, I couldn't focus on Jesus in my prayer sometimes. Or when I was reading my Bible, sometimes my mind would drift off to him. It was like distraction. He was telling me how I had committed emotional adultery against him. Then Jesus said, Stop living like I'm dead. I'm alive. He said it again. The same way you hurt, I hurt. Stop living like I'm dead. You're hurting me. When you forget that I'm right here, when you forget how much I love you, when you forget and you live in your sins, when you forget you're hurting me. Again, broken, y'all. Broken, broken, broken. But for me, it was taking off the veils that was on my eyes. Because that's what denial does. It places veils over your mind. So you can't really see yourself, and you can't really see the person before you. You can't see clearly the situation is happening that you're in. So Jesus was confronting me to take off those veils. I talk about it again in this book. And I give scriptures about my journey and what happened afterwards, y'all. So go back and look at the book. Now I'm in a space where I want to help other women. Face the truth about where you are. So that you can get to your healing. And understand that Jesus is living. He's right there and he sees. But he can't get close to you because he can't be where sin is. He can't. The only way to get closer to him is to wake up, to confess the sins, to speak it, to be broken, to have a contrite heart, like David said, have a contrite heart before him. And ask for forgiveness. And he's already going to forgive you because you come into him with contrite heart and repenting of this. And I had to repent. I repented. And I begin to pray like God. I want to be like David in Psalm 73. At the end, David says, Who do I have in heaven on earth besides you, God? There's no one else I desire more than you, God. I want us to all get into that space of God, I desire you more than anything else on this earth, Lord, and reveal to me anything that is in my heart that's stopping me from doing that. So, my sisters, I want to call you to walk with me on this challenge over the next several weeks, to examine yourself, to be really honest about you, and join me on Abundantly Love Circle. Let's have some conversations about it. Check, you can email me at loveabundantly ministry at gmail.com. Email me and let me know your ad your email address, and I'll forward you the Zoom link for Abundantly Love Circle so that you can come and we can meet together and have this open dialogue just to talk and I'll share some scriptures, but it'll be us really dissecting, being honest, examining who we are, and I'll be walking with you through this. I hope that this is helpful. Follow me on Abundantly Love Podcast. Download this, you guys. Follow me on my YouTube at Love Abundly Ministry. Follow my music on Malika Miller, M-E-L-I-K-A Miller music on Spotify and get my book, 40 Years of Virgin. And I'm coming out with a new book to after this one to the second book to help you guys in some form or fashion, hopefully, to know how to walk in this wall to grow deeper intimacy with God. Love you guys and many blessings. Okay. Be blessed.