How Our Behavior Affects Others

In this episode, we continue our discussion on denial by exploring one of its most damaging effects: how it blinds us to the impact our behavior has on others. When we live in denial, we can become so accustomed to our attitudes, habits, and ways of thinking that we simply dismiss them as, "That's just who I am." But what if the very behaviors we've accepted as normal are hurting the people around us and hindering our relationship with God?

We also examine the role pride plays in keeping us from seeing the truth. Pride can convince us that we don't need to change, while denial keeps us from recognizing the consequences of our actions. Yet God calls us to a life of transformation, not stagnation.

In this episode, I challenge listeners to ask an important question: Who am I following? The world offers one path, while God's Word offers another. Every day, our choices reveal whose voice we are listening to and whose example we are following. If our goal is to become more like Jesus, we must be willing to honestly examine our lives, acknowledge behaviors that do not reflect His character, and surrender them to Him.

My prayer is that this episode awakens you to areas where denial may be keeping you from growth, encourages you to embrace humility over pride, and inspires you to pursue the transformation that leads to deeper intimacy with God. Becoming more like Jesus begins with being honest about where we are and allowing Him to change us.

Transcript

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Yay! Welcome to Abundling Love Podcast with your host, Gwendolyn Malika Noah. Hey you guys, and welcome to season two, episode six of Abundling Love Podcast. And we have been talking about denial. And as I shared on several episodes before, this is not an easy topic to talk about because along with some of you, I can struggle with denial too, and had to face the areas in my life where I've been in denial. Now, sometimes when I had to face it, I had to be confronted because it was something that I did in my behavior that led to someone confronting me about it. Let me tell y'all this story, but before I get into this story, let me share the scriptures that we're gonna be using today. The topic for today is how our behavior affects others, even when we don't mean it to, even we don't mean for our behavior to affect them. Now, as you can hear in my voice, I'm a little tired of struggling with bronchitis, so my breathing is a little off, and I may cough a little bit, but I'm gonna try to catch it before uh I do. But just bear with me as you listen. I am trying, I'm giving my best with through the Holy Spirit who's working through me to do this. Um, and because I said to you guys, I'm intentional, and you guys are holding me accountable. Several of you guys have reached out to me and told me you hold me accountable basically about doing this consistently each week. So here I am. But let's get started with the scripture of Romans 12, and maybe share some more scriptures with you guys as we go along. Romans 12, verse 18. It says, and I'm using the NIV version, y'all. So reading from the NIV version, it says, if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. If it is possible as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. I wonder how does it sound in TPT, TPT version. I'm gonna look that up right now because I like that version. If you haven't checked out that version, please check it out because it is such a good version, and it makes it more personal and it can cut straight to your heart when you listen to it because that's what the word is supposed to do. It's supposed to be it's supposed to cut straight to our hearts, right? So in Romans 12 again, and in verse 18, in the TPT, that's the Passion Translation version, it says, Beloved, don't be obsessed with taking revenge, but leave that to God's righteous justice. So for the scriptures say, I think I read the wrong version. I'm saying wrong, wrong pass. Let me go back in verse 18, really. It says, Do your best to live as everybody's friend. Now, the other one in verse 19, we need to hear that too, because we're not supposed to take advantage of taking our own hands, right? But in verse 18 and TPT version says, Do your best to live as everybody's friend. Now, to live at peace with all people, whatever it is, as long as it depends on you, do your best to live at peace with all people. Now, can we do that all the time? No. But the Bible is telling us to do our best if it is possible, as it depends on you. Live at peace with everyone if it is possible. And sometimes it may not be possible, but in those times we're supposed to be using discernment to really see, and a part of denial, it blocks us from using discernment to really see our behavior in those moments, right? Let me share this next scripture with y'all in Matthew 7, Matthew chapter 7, and in verse 3 to 5, it says, Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? This is Jesus saying this, y'all. You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. I'm gonna come back to this version, but I want to go again to TPT. It says, in John, hold on, get off of there. In John, in Matthew, rather, I love the book of John, by the way, that's why it's on my mind. But in Matthew chapter 7, and in verse 3 through 5 in the TPT version, it says, Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else's life and fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? Ooh. How could you say to your friend, let me show you where you're wrong when you're guilty of even more? You're being hypocritical and a hypocrite. First acknowledge that and deal with your own blind spot, and then you'll be capable of dealing with the blind spot of your friend. Ooh, that just hit me, y'all. Hit me straight to my core. Why? Because I can struggle with being judgmental, and I know I'm not by myself. It's easy for us to look at the flaws of other people than to look at our own because then we have to take ownership. But then at the same time, we gotta be we're removing ourselves off this pedestal pedestal that we can put ourselves on. We can think more highly of ourselves than we ought to, right? And that's something that the spirit consistently tells me do not think more highly of yourself than else too, but think of yourself in sober mind and sober judgment. That's consistently forefront of my mind because I know how my pride, how my insecurity, honestly, because we can be insecure and we try to counteract the insecurity with pride or with boastfulness or with trying to be better than other people or with perfectionism, and you feel that blank in all because you don't want to acknowledge the insecurities that's there in your heart. I've done it, I've done it myself, and it took God over my years as a disciple of Jesus, I've constantly had to humble myself to really see, hold up, you're flawed. And it's okay. Because when you're religious or when you put yourself on a pedestal, it's hard for it. You don't want to see the areas of your life that you flaw, but if you don't want to see it, then you won't be able to change it, and you continue to hurt people in your life over and over again because you of your unwillingness to acknowledge or be aware of your character. And mindfulness, I said this too in one of the one of the podcasts. Mindfulness is about being aware. And as a therapist, I'm only able to do my job with my clients when they become aware. And sometimes it takes me pointing out to them for them to see, oh, that is really who I am. And I love those moments, y'all, because it's quiet moments, it's reflective moments, and then sometimes it's tearful moments because it's like a mirror coming up in front of you saying, Hey, look and see who you are. And it's okay to see it because now we can walk through and change so you can become who you want to be, who God created you to be. When we allow ourselves to remain in our insecurities, it's like us turning that mirror around, like, nope, I don't want to see it. Nope, I don't want to see it. Nope, I don't want to see it. Nope, I don't want to see it. But what happens? We continue to do the same behavior over and over again, and it affects the other people that's around us, even if they may not say it. But it does. Y'all, I want to talk about impact versus intent. Right? When we are in denial, the impact that we're making, it may push people away, even if it's not your intention to do so. But it's all because of not really seeing self, not really taking ownership of self. Going back to the scripture, it talks about. I'm going back to the NIV version, why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye? In verse three, TPT verse, why would you focus on the flaw in someone else's life and fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? When we do that, y'all, it it in our relationships. We can point out flaws in our friendships, our flaws in our friend, our flaws in our boyfriend, our flaws in our spouse. We can port those things out, and we could be nagging, we can nag on them about those flaws. But all because, but all the while though, we're missing ourselves. We're missing it. Let me tell y'all this. One of the hardest things as a therapist for me is doing couples counseling. And honestly, I don't like doing couples counseling because in it I can see the mindset of someone, of others in that position of, let's say the husband, for example, not really seeing how their behavior is affecting their wife, not really seeing how their pride or talking down to their wife or having a negative tone with them is affecting how the wife is feeling. And as they're doing it, the wife is doing what? Pulling away, pulling away, even though the intent on the other person's side may not be intended to be harmful, but that's just their character. And they can excuse it, they're excuse, but that's just who I am. But if who you are is hurting the other person that you're in a relationship with, shouldn't you change? Shouldn't you want to become different? Because when we're in denial, denial damages the relationships. It deny denial damages the trust within those relationships. Because why why would I trust you with my emotions if you're not taking care of it? That's what I've heard from so many of my clients when they're in relationships with their husbands or with their wives or whoever it may be, they pull away because they don't feel safe emotionally. Or even with single people that I'm working with in their relationships, it's hard for them to be vulnerable and be open because they're pulling, they don't see, they're not surrounded by safe people. Why? Because sometimes maybe some of those safe people have not seen themselves or dealt with themselves, or taken off the mask to deal with themselves in order to be able to connect with the people that's in their lives. That's what happens when we're in denial. We're walking around with this mask, hiding behind it the whole entire time, and our behaviors are based on whatever those thought processes we may have that's underneath that mask that's leading us to see ourselves through misconstrued lenses, which affects our behavior. So, in order to overcome it, we have to be confronted. But what happens when we're confronted? The fences go up because how dare you tell me about myself, about my character, about who I am. All of that is pride, and like I said in another podcast, God detests pride, and I had to do a study on that myself because that's what I was doing. I was so prideful, and I still have to confront myself with it when I see it try to rear its little head up. Um I don't want to be prideful, I don't want to be insecure, and I don't want my pride to hurt other people, but it has over the years. Let me tell y'all a story that I want to share another story real quick. I love telling stories if y'all don't know. But let me give me some water real quick because I can feel it in my voice. Hold on, okay. Press pause. Okay, I'm back. I'm back. So years ago when I was in New York City, I moved there in 1998 at the age of 23, and go back to listen to my first season. I'd share my story about my journey, and even go on my YouTube page, y'all. I talk about my journey and I'm gonna write a book. It's gonna be in my book too. Um, I think it's in my book, 40 years of Virgin 2, this book, y'all. So plug in it, check it out, 40 years of Virgin while the way, right? But I remember I was a baby Christian, and I was so impacted by something I had read in the scriptures, and it was in Galatians, and it was talking about faith, and I forgot exactly where it was in Galatians. But we get to church on for midweek, it was daytime ministry, um, which was basically ministry for people who are performing artists or people who work night times that couldn't come go to bed with doing evening times, but I'm a performer, so I was in daytime at that time, right? And so I'm there, and I had already was I was already dealing with issues with some of the sisters there because I was I was struggling with white people, honestly, just be transparent. I was struggling with white people. I wasn't saying it on the surface, but that was what was going on. I was struggling in that time with white people that could still that could still wear its head too if I'm not conscious of it, not focus on it, right? But with this particular girl, she was leading, she was young, she was about my age, probably like 22, probably younger than me or whatever. And she was leading the ministry or being an intern in the ministry. And I think I was a little jealous, but didn't really acknowledge that I was jealous. But during this time, they chose different women to share about whatever they had learned and whatever passage it was or whatever. And I wanted to share. And I told the lady that was leading that I wanted to share, and she was like, No, you can't share because they've already chosen people to share. But in my mind, in my heart, I was feeling like, how dare you tell me? Don't you know who I am? That I've been chosen by God, that God has given me this information to talk about, and and I need to tell y'all about what he's telling me. And the denial part of me was the pride, right? It was coming up so bad, but I didn't see it at the point because pride does what? It blinds you from yourself. So after everybody shared and they were getting ready to leave, I said, wait a minute, I got something to share. Before everybody got up to leave, I said, I got something to share. And I said whatever I wanted to say and whatever, and I was okay, now that's it. And I'm like, I'm done. Afterwards, y'all, the women came up to me. One of the sisters came up to me, like the telling me the other sister felt disrespected by me doing that, or I was um being um, I was not respecting authority or whatever uh order worship in the church and stuff. And uh another one came and told me that they like what I shared, but then I could have done it differently, or then, and everyone who came to me, I wasn't listening to them. I'm like, I share what God wanted me to say, period. I'm done. It was that and I was just pushing everybody away, like I did what God wanted me to do. No, I'm done. And then one of the other my I call her like she's my spiritual mom, she pulled me to the side and was trying to talk to me about it and was like, you know, that was prideful, that was wrong. I'm like, that wasn't prideful. I was just doing what God wanted me to do. Like, no, I did it said exactly what it was. No, I was in defense mode, y'all, and I was so not seeing myself or seeing how I hurt that girl. I didn't see it at all, at all. But right after the service, just so happened, no coincidences in God, right? I had a date with a brother who was older than me, more mature than me in the faith, and everything like that. And we were going to see Shakespeare in a park, right? In Central Park. And as I was sharing it with him what happened, he he was telling me, Oh, you were wrong. I said, No, it wasn't. You know, he said, No, that wasn't right what you did. You hurt her feelings, like it could have hurt her, or it wasn't respectful, whatever. I don't know. I'm paraphrasing what he said, but basically was telling me I was wrong. But as he was telling me that, little chips was blocked was being chipped off of me. Imagine with ice, and with ice, you gotta chip it off, right? So I was ice in the beginning with all the women that was coming up for me, you know, like telling me, like, oh, you were wrong, you're wrong, wrong. I'm like, no, I wasn't no, but with him, he kept chipping at me, and God was using him to chip at me for me to see myself because I wasn't seeing myself, I was in denial, and I wasn't caring about how I affected the other person, honestly, because that was a part of my character. I didn't care. You hurt, I just said we got whatever, you know, but that was not pleasing to God, right? So he just kept chipping at me, chipping at the whole entire day was him discipling me about my character. Like, no, and after the day, we're walking back to the subway train. I ran into one of my other big brothers who I love to this day. His name is Vinny Adams. And then we told, I told Vinny what happened. He looked at me, he was like, You just let Satan use you. I was like, What? It was like cold water being splashed in my face. He was like, No, you just let Satan use you. I said, What you mean? He was like, Yeah, you were prideful in the moment. You didn't, you weren't supposed to do that. You didn't see how the order was, you didn't see how it impacted other people or affected the person that was in leadership thing. You're being prideful. And it took me listening to Vinny. So, but coming from one man to the other man, because God, for me, usually it takes a man to come and tell me sometimes, like, look, Gwen, you're wrong. Look, no, wake up, stop. Because sometimes I need that hard talk. Some of you may need that too. But anyway, it took him telling me that, and I was so broken at this point. It was like all the ice had melted away, and I could really see then my pride. That's what God does, y'all. He'll put in your path for people to try to chip at you, and hopefully your heart is not hardened so that you can really see yourself and see how you're damaging your relationships. And in that situation, I had to. I went back home and I remember going home because the person, my spiritual mom, was who I was staying with too. So I remember going back to the apartment and falling on my feet, I mean, falling on my knees, and before, like in her room, like just crying and bawling and and asking her to forgive me and all those things. And she told me at that point, you need to study out love. And that was the beginning of my journey of growing deeper and understanding God's love or just studying out love, what love really was according to God's word. I had never done that. And I also did a study on pride versus humility because I needed to really understand how ugly pride is, how ugly insecurity is, and how it damages relationships. Y'all, I had to apologize to the lady who was leading too. I apologize to her, she accepted my apology, but I had to settle myself, settle myself, and that's just one instance, y'all, where I was pruned, forced to see myself, forced to see my pride so that I can break out of that denial. So my impact was I wanted to share my faith. I wanted to tell people this is what I went through, this is what God taught me. That was the impact, and people were impacted by it. They they were encouraged by it, but how I did it was wrong. The intent was wrong because I did it based on pride. My intent was I wanted to share because you're not gonna tell me what I can and cannot do, but that's pride. How many of you guys can relate to that? And you think pride is cute. But go back and look at Uzziah, King Uzziah in 1 and 2 Chronicles 1 and 2. Go back and look at King Saul. I talked about him a little bit the last time. Go back and look at the Proverbs and see what God says about pride. Just do your own study on pride. And then once you study out pride, look at what humility looks like. Look at King Nebuchadnezzar in the book of Daniel. Ooh, that's a good one to look at. Because you can see how God humbled him in that way. See his behavior, how he put himself on a pedestal as God. That was his behavior. And then he was the one, I think he was the one, I may be wrong, but go back and read it for yourself. But I know that he was the one that walked around and God had warned him and said, like, look, you've been saying basically that your hands was the one that created Babylon and you were the one responsible for all the riches that came of Babylon. And God said, if you do not change and recognize who I am, you're gonna be sent off into the forest like an animal and there for seven years. He had dreams that that was gonna happen to him. And when he did not repent, what happened? That's what God did. Until on that seventh year, he looked up, lifted up his eyes, and said, God, you are truly Lord. Then maybe what it would take for some of you guys to really be to really see your pride. Maybe God is putting you in a position right now in your life to show you that you're prideful. Or maybe you're using your faith to avoid taking accountability for your pride. Haven't you seen that before? Well, I'm just walking in what God has told me to be. But that's a part of us, like going back to what it says in chapter 7 in Matthew, how we can put see the we can see others look at the the plank that's in others' eyes, but not see the whole boulder is in ours. Paraphrase it. Because of pride and using our faith to tear down other people. The intent, the intent, what would be the intent behind that? I know some of you might may be doing with good intentions in your heart. Like I just want to help build, uh I just want to help this person, I just want to build them up. But the impact of how you're seeing it, how you're coming across it, the lack of vulnerability that you may have when you're talking to them, or the lack of self-acceptance or self-denial that's in you, or not lack of it, but seeing that it is in you, denying yourself. I'm sorry I said that wrong. It takes you to deny yourself to really see who you are. But when you are in denial, it's hard for you to see what you're doing in those moments, even if your intentions are good. Those of you who may be in leadership in some form or fashion, ask the people in your life, are you prideful? Where in your life do you see pride in me? That's a humble question to have. Ooh, we, ooh, that's a hard one too. But be prepared for the answer. Because God wants us to learn humility in this and not use our faith to tear others down. Now, I want to share this, y'all, because I don't know if y'all have seen The Bratsons, the Brassman's family value in the Brassins. You're like, where is she going with it after she said all of that? I've been watching the Bradsons, y'all. I love the Brass, I love Tony. I've been a fan of hers for so many years. I love Tamar. I love Tawanda. I love Tracy who passed away. I love Trina. I love their mom. I love the whole brass. It's just a really beautiful show. How they fight through, they fight through the issues in order to draw closer to each other. They just continue to fight through it. But I want to talk about Tamar real quick. Tamar, I love you so much. And I don't know if you're ever gonna listen to my podcast, but I love you so much. I think on the show, what I'm seeing from all the seasons is this aspect of denial. And I know all of us can struggle with it, not being willing to see ourselves, avoiding see ourselves and seeing ourselves. And I and as I'm looking at all of the different episodes, going back to the different seasons, and I'm seeing them going to therapy and all those different things, and I'm seeing how sometimes the sisters were unwilling to tell her anything because of her reaction, even though they would be right, but she wouldn't be able to accept it because she was in denial of her character, in denial of who she is. Some of you who are listening to this are in that space now. That you're so used to who you are, that your brain is structured, whereas this is just what it is, it's wired in that way, whereas you can't really see yourself. So nobody can come from the outside and tell you, hey, you need to change. This is what's happening and how your life is affecting and impacting others around you. At that point, you need to go to therapy. If you have in your life multiple people pulling away from you, or multiple people trying to tell you the same thing over and over again, doesn't ever let me tell y'all, if multiple people coming to you saying the same thing over again, that has to tell you something that something is wrong with you. If they're telling you the same thing over and over and over and again, they're not the ones that's wrong, it's you, but because of denial, it blocks you from hearing it and from seeing it. So I want to encourage you if you've been impacted by my podcast on denial, and if it's hitting you in a way, whereas I wonder if I'm struggling with this, or I can't see it for myself, or some people have been telling you about you for years. Seek out counseling wherever you are, so that they can walk with you and hope and be prepared to listen. Pray for God to soften your heart, to be soft clay. Can I say be soft clay? Because in Jeremiah, in Jeremiah 18, it talks about how our father, our father, is a potter, and a potter takes a clay and molds it according to what he wants it to be. And you know, as clay, clay can be the hard clay that he has to take a pound in order in the shape that he wants to be. When I read that, my prayer became like, God, I want to become a soft clay because I'm so tired of being pounded on, please. I want to be soft clay, Lord, because I don't want to be sprinkle some water on it, put pour water on it, Lord. I don't, so I can be this moldable soft clay, so you can mold me into the image of who of Jesus, right? Because that's the ultimate goal as disciples of Jesus, is to be molded into the image of Jesus. But if you are unyielding to listen, if you are unyielding to see yourself and you're comfortable with yourself, what is that saying about Jesus? What is it saying about your discipleship? What is it saying about when it's when Jesus says, Come follow me? Who are you really following? When you are stuck in where you are and being unwilling to change. I gotta say this before we wrap up because it just came to me. Spiritually, there's only two forces to follow, and I say forces because these forces impact our lives, right? There's only two forces to follow: either Jesus or Satan. But some of you may say, Well, I can do what I want to do, follow the world, follow, I'm following individual, follow. If you're following these other individuals, following the world, who are you following? Who's the king or the prince of this world? Satan. If we choose to stay where we are and complacent in our characters and not want to repent when we are, who are we following? It's not Jesus, it's Satan. So I hope that opens up your eyes and shakes you a little bit in hopes that you decide to change, and hopes that you decide to allow someone in your life to say, Hey, I see this in your character. And I'm doing it too. The way I'm telling you to do it, I've done it too, and I'm continuing to do it. Tell me what you see. I want to change, and also at the same time, be not be kind, be compassionate, and and be graceful. Because again, going back to this, let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye. You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. When we go to someone and ask them, pray for them to have the speck removed from their eyes also so they can see you clearly. And at the same time, if someone comes to you, pray to have the speck removed from your eyes so you can see yourself clearly, so you can see them too. All of this, y'all, is about one another relationships and building up our relationships and growing God's kingdom so that we can be unified as disciples and God's work and spreading the examples in this world of what it looks to be transformed into the image of Jesus. What it looks like to be deeper in love with God and intimacy, and more we get close to Him, the more like Jesus we become. I pray that for all of us. I pray that for all of us, y'all. So to wrap up in closing, denial doesn't mean we're bad. It often means we're surviving, right? I want to call you guys to action. You can use, you can go back to listen to my episodes, take notes as you're listening to it to see where you are. But one thing right now, I want to invite you guys to pause and ask yourself: is there anything I've been avoiding, minimizing or justifying? Sit with that. Pull someone else in your life to ask that question too. How might my behavior be affecting my relationship with God or with others? Check that. And what truth might God be gently revealing to me? What is it he's trying to show you right now? Are you prideful? Are you insecure? Are you stubborn? You fill a blink in. What is it that you've been trying to avoid in your life that you're using denial to avoid seeing? Journal. Journal or have prayer time. Put someone in to pray with you too about this. I want to encourage you to take one small step. Prayer of honesty. Pray to catch this one. Pray to be humble if you see that you're struggling with pride. And God will surely answer that prayer. I'm a living testimony of it. Pray for honesty and for repentance, y'all. Pray for uh if you're having a difficult relationship, pray for God to reveal what is happening in your character to have difficulty within this relationship if it's connected to denial, right? And pray for setting boundaries too. And with boundaries, examine where in your life where there's a lack of boundaries and where they are. And I'm gonna talk, I'm gonna have an episode about that too. And I think I talked about that in the last season too. But really examine your life where are boundaries at our basic, are are you having rigid boundaries? Whereas you're blocking yourself off from allowing other people in to help you. Check that too, right? Seek accountability, do that, take down those walls, open up the gate so that people can come in and help. Name the denial, whatever comes up, put a name to it and say it out loud so that you can change and hold yourself accountable too. Like I said earlier, reach out for counseling, reach out for counseling or spiritual directors, someone spiritual in your life. Also, we have abundantly loved circles. Reach out to me. We are doing the circles on Thursday nights at seven o'clock central. Reach out to me if you want to be a part of the circle and love abundantly counseling or love abundantly ministry at gmail.com. Love abundantly ministry at gmail.com to let me know if you want to be a part of it. Remind y'all continue to seek for help. It is strength when you seek help. It's strength, it's not a sign of failure, it's strength. And it's important for you to really examine is this denial connected to trauma or is it repeating patterns that you have? But in order to examine that, you need to walk with someone. You need a therapist to help you in that. All right. So I want to end with this. If this stirred you up, if it stirred you up something stirred up something deep or uncomfortable, you don't have to walk through it alone. Again, if it stirred up something deep or uncomfortable, you don't have to walk through it alone. Reach out to me, reach out to therapists in your area to help you. All right. So remember, I want to hope you, I hope this lands in your mind and your heart right now. Remember that you are loved first. And because you are loved first, God loves you. That means God sees every aspect of who you are and still chose to love you. Then who are you not to love you? And then it's not selfish to love you. And then at the same time, let's pour that love out to other people, to people around us. Love is a change agent. Let's overcome denial so we can grow more in love. Okay. All right. I'll see you guys next time. Be blessed.